Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Pizza Parlor - full transcript
To get an Italian officer to defect, the Heroes use pizza to tempt him.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Mmm, mmm!
Smells delicious.
Crepe Suzettes, but
not quite ready yet.
You know, since the war,
the service here
has been terrible.
I know, it's very...
Boy, it sure has.
All right, all right.
Tomorrow night I'm going
to serve a gourmet dinner:
pâté de foie gras,
poulet rôti de jardinière,
and fraises du bois.
Good. I think I'll eat in.
Well, all I have to
do is steal a chicken,
a goose and four pounds
of wild strawberries.
Achtung!
Come on, Schultz!
How many times have
I told you to knock first?
His Achtung made
me bruise the batter.
All right, Schultz, Schultz,
I honestly think
you owe LeBeau an apology.
LeBeau, I didn't mean it.
What are you cooking?
Crepe Suzettes.
And if you're real
nice, I'll give you one.
I'm a very nice
fellow for a guard.
Okay, okay.
Here it is.
Mmm, it smells good.
Mmm!
Delicious!
LeBeau and I are going
to open a little beer garden
after the war.
Hmm. What am I saying?
Kommandant Klink is going to
be here any minute for inspection.
Oh, don't tell me
Berlin is sending more officers
to study Stalag 13!
I know nothing, nothing!
Where is Kinchloe?
Well, he'll be back.
He's in Hamilburg
shopping for dinner.
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan!
Look, is it my fault Klink
always has open house
for the Berlin brass?
Colonel Hogan,
one of these days,
Kommandant Klink
is going to come here
and make a thorough roll call.
And you know what's going
to happen with Schultz?
Right to the Russian Front!
Don't tell me you're
afraid of a bunch of guys
who dance sitting down?
Newkirk, what are you doing?
Cleaning your gun.
You see, Newkirk
has the proper spirit.
He's cleaning my gun...
My gun!
You stole my gun!
Klink's coming.
Achtung!
Everything is in order,
Herr Kommandant!
As it should be.
I understand we
have another visitor
coming to Stalag 13 tomorrow.
That's right.
Another prison camp commander
coming to take a course
under the great Professor Klink?
Colonel Hogan,
Berlin considers this
the perfect prison camp,
and with all due modesty,
considers me the
perfect commandant.
Schultz, I want a close
watch kept on those men
until the arrival
of Major Bonacelli.
Bonacelli.
Italian.
That's right.
He is being sent
here from Capezio
to study my
methods of discipline,
organization and security.
Do you give away your
secrets to a foreigner?
Colonel Hogan, may I remind you
that the Italians
are our allies.
Don't remind me, remind them.
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Come in.
Well, nice to hear
from you, Goldilocks.
Been trying to get in touch
with you since Monday.
We've been on a three day
pass and couldn't get to a phone.
Never mind the sarcasm.
Anything to report?
No, we've had to lay low.
Things are kind
of hot around here.
Commandant Klink is
training POW commanders,
sort of an earn while
you learn program.
Is it clear now?
Can we resume getting
the prisoners out?
Can't do it yet.
We've got a new
trainee arriving,
an Italian major from Capezio.
Capezio? The Allies are going
to be making a
landing there soon.
Good, it'll be
easier for you now.
They'll be one Italian short.
G-2 reports growing friction
between the Italians
and the Germans.
Maybe you can get
some information
regarding the defenses
at Capezio, huh?
We'll give it the
old college try.
But his being a prison
camp commander means
he'll be a rough,
tough character.
You will do exactly
as I say, Corporale.
The road to the prison
camp is straight ahead.
We are not going
to the prison camp.
We are going to Switzerland.
Schweinehund!
You're a deserter.
That's right.
Now, get driving.
No. You can shoot me first.
Why you want me to shoot you?
Come on, we go to Lake Lugano,
we forget about the war, eh?
No.
All right, Lake Lucerne.
But remember, the food
is not so good as Lugano.
Don't move, I shoot you!
I warn you, stay away.
I warn you.
A raid, a raid!
Major Bonacelli.
Si, Corporale.
We are your escort
from Stalag 13.
Grazie, grazie.
Really I don't need an escort
because I have a
wonderful sense of direction.
Where's your driver?
He ran away.
He got frightened...
The air raid.
He was very young,
just a bambino.
We will follow you.
But, really, I don't need...
We have our orders. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Hi, Schultz.
Hi.
Why don't you get into the game?
Jolly joker.
Come on, the exercise
will do you good, Schultz.
You're getting a
little pudgy there.
Old German saying:
"Man with fat waistline
never catch pretty fraulein."
Well, I catch pretty fraulein.
Hey, fellas, let
Schultz in, huh?
All right.
Oh, no, no, no...
Come on, come on.
No, I-I cannot do it.
It's against regulations.
I'll hold your gun.
Go, go.
Let's see you go.
Come on, Schultzy, head it up!
Oh!
Colonel Hogan.
Oh, Colonel Klink.
This is Major Bonacelli
of the Italian Army.
Colonel Hogan, our ranking
American officer here.
Oh.
Always nice to meet
one of our Allies.
They're our Allies.
I keep forgetting.
Colonel Klink,
you Germans run your
prison camps differently
than we Italians.
Oh, um, how is that?
Well, in our camps,
we have one firm rule.
No prisoner is
allowed to carry a gun.
That is an excellent rule. It...
Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
Are you crazy?
Allowing a prisoner
to hold your gun?
There is no danger,
Herr Kommandant.
The gun is not loaded.
That's our second rule.
All guards must
carry loaded guns.
Schultz, load your gun
and report to my office
immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Uh, Schultz.
You forgot the gun.
Major, don't judge the rest
of Colonel Klink's
men by Schultz.
The other guards have
bullets and everything.
Have they?
Hogan, you do not have to
give me a vote of confidence.
I'm sure that Major Bonacelli
is very impressed by Stalag 13.
Oh, this is a rough camp.
And you know how
tough the Germans can be.
Look at the way
Hitler treats Mussolini.
Hogan!
Come on, admit it, Colonel.
You know he pushes him around.
Ever see a picture of
the two of them together?
Benito is always to the back.
But not for long.
You know you can
push a people so far.
One day, we Italiani, go...
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Major, first shall we
inspect the guard towers?
Oh.
Herr Kommandant,
Herr Kommandant!
Yes, Langenscheidt, what is it?
The Mess sergeant
would like to know
what you and your guest
would like for dinner.
Antipasto, minestrone,
a pasta al dente...
Langenscheidt!
We will have potato
soup, boiled potatoes,
potato pancakes,
sauerkraut and sauerbraten.
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
Bon appetite.
I think we can get to Bonacelli.
How are you going to do that?
We'll work on his weaknesses.
Italians are very sentimental.
Yeah, they love music.
Well, anybody know the words
to "Santa Lucia?"
Food is the clincher.
LeBeau, how are you on pizza?
Pizza?!
You would ask a Frenchman
to cook a piece of
cardboard with tomato sauce?
We swear not to tell anybody.
Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes.
To climb a barbed wire, yes.
But to make a pizza, no.
We all have to make sacrifices.
Okay. You'll have
to get me a recipe.
All right, anybody here know
how to make a pizza?
Hey, my father got a
pizza parlor in Newark.
Oh, great, Garlotti.
Give LeBeau the recipe.
I don't know it, but I'd be glad
to write to him and get it.
Forget it. We don't
have that much time.
Look, everybody scatter.
Check every prisoner,
and don't come back
without a recipe for pizza.
All right, sir.
Newkirk, do you have
a recipe for pizza?
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Goldilocks calling
Momma Bear. Come in.
Colonel, you mean to tell
me, in this whole prison camp
you couldn't find
a recipe for pizza?
No. I got a recipe
for shish kabob,
egg foo yong, enchiladas,
Yorkshire pudding
and matzo balls.
You want to get through
to Garlotti's Pizzeria
in Newark?
That's right.
May I ask what for?
We'd like to make reservations
for dinner tonight.
There'll be 103 at 7:30.
You know, Hogan,
if you weren't one
of their prisoners,
you'd be one of ours.
Look, we're trying to
get some information
out of that Italian
major I told you about.
We need a recipe for pizza.
Maybe you'd like to
have us send you over
a couple of bottles of red wine.
You don't have to bother.
We already made
that this afternoon.
All right, we'll call London.
Stand by, Goldilocks.
Momma Bear calling Poppa Bear.
Momma Bear calling Poppa Bear.
This is Poppa Bear.
Go ahead, Momma Bear.
We want to get in touch
with Garlotti's
Pizzeria in Newark.
Right.
Stand by, Momma Bear.
Captain Henderson?
Yes, Sergeant?
I just got a call
from Momma Bear
wanting to be put in touch
with a Garlotti's
Pizzeria in Newark.
Garlotti's Pizzeria?
Shall we alert G-2?
Perhaps we ought to send over
a man to decode this message.
We haven't got any
pizzerias in our code.
Try again.
Momma Bear, this is Poppa Bear.
Repeat, please.
We want to get in touch
with Garlotti's
Pizzeria in Newark.
Is that really you, Momma Bear?
It's really me.
Now, get us through
to the pizzeria.
Look here, Momma
Bear, you'll just have to eat
the same rations
as the rest of us.
We don't want the pizzas.
We just want the recipe.
I think you've been
under water too long.
I suggest you surface.
The recipe is not for
us. It's for Goldilocks.
Oh. I should have known.
Garlotti's Pizzeria.
Garlotti speaking.
London calling?
Yes, this is Captain Henderson,
Supreme Allied Headquarters.
No, Mr. Garlotti,
your son is fine.
Yes, he's still in
the prison camp,
but he's in good
health and good spirits.
Oh, thank you,
thank you very much.
What? You want
my recipe for pizza?
Sure. Well, first...
you take two cloves of garlic,
a half a pound
of Italian sausage,
two tablespoons oregano
and a pinch more garlic...
Half cup mushroom
ends and pieces...
A half a cup mushroom
ends and pieces.
One can of tomato paste...
three tablespoons
of parmesan cheese,
uh, grated...
Two tablespoons of shortening,
one cup of flour,
teaspoon of olive oil.
Got it. Now, ask him if he
knows the words to "Santa Lucia".
"Santa Lucia"?
"Santa Lucia"?
"Santa Lucia"?
♪ Santa Lucia ♪
♪ Santa... Lucia. ♪
Major, did you
enjoy your dinner?
I couldn't eat.
For some reason,
I wasn't hungry.
Too bad.
It has been a long time
since I had potato soup,
boiled potatoes,
potato pancakes,
sauerkraut and sauerbraten.
They're playing our song.
Yeah, our prisoners
are very happy.
Mamma mia. Pizza.
Smells good.
Yes. Seems to be coming
from those barracks over there.
Yeah. S-Sergeant,
I think I'm going to
inspect those barracks...
Yeah. Alone.
Here he comes.
Everybody in position.
Signori...
Oh, hi, Major. Bona sera.
What can we do for you?
Uh... I know this sounds absurd,
but I thought I
smelled... pizza.
Pizza?
Oh, oh, really?
And as a matter of fact,
it smells just like the pizza...
Mama used to make.
One of the regrets of my life
is I wasn't shot
down over Italy.
Now, listen, I know there's
a pizza in these barracks.
If it's a matter of money...
Money?
I'll bet even the
Germans in Capezio
eat a lot of pizzas, don't they?
Oh, yes, they do.
Yes, they do.
Now, offhand, how many pizzas
would you say the
German soldiers eat a day,
figuring two per soldier?
Well, that's a secret.
Oh, uh... t-t-two
pizzas, one soldier, uh...
106,000 pizzas.
Hundred and six thousand...
Divide by two.
Sit down, Major.
Garcon! Wine steward!
Oh, garlic, like
a breath of home.
Wait till you taste
the wine. Oh?
It's a vintage wine,
aged almost two weeks.
Never I think I'm going to
find something like this here.
We have a master chef.
Oh, I can't take all the credit.
We got a recipe from his father.
My father owns
Garlotti's Pizzeria
in Newark. Oh, good.
You give me the address...
I'm going to look him up, uh,
right away I get
to America, huh?
Oh, you plan on going to
the States after the war?
What after? During!
Wait a minute.
You're not going back to Italy?
And fight for the
Germans? Never.
Uh, why don't you fight for us?
Join your army?
No, no, no. Go back to
Capezio and be an agent for us.
I could be shot for being a spy.
Well, you're not really
a spy. You're in uniform.
In uniform, they're going to
shoot me for being a traitor.
Please, not while I'm eating.
Just think what you could
be doing for your country.
You could help
shorten the war in Italy.
Could also shorten my life.
Men.
Think of the children
laughing and playing again
in the streets of Milano.
The donkey carts
once more clattering
along the cobblestones
in Portofino.
And the pigeons returning
to the Piazza San Marco.
And your mama mia standing
in the doorway, holding a pizza.
You had to say that, huh?
It's for your country
as well as ours.
All right, I gonna do it.
You'll be our contact.
Si, but on one
condition. What's that?
That your papa give my mama
the recipe for this pizza. Oh!
♪ Santa Lucia! ♪
Thank you, Colonel Klink,
for the kindness you've
extended to me during my visit.
Major Bonacelli, I
hope that your stay here
has been both
informative and pleasant.
And now you know how a
prison camp should be run.
Of course, I could never hope
to be a commander such as you.
That's true. There
is only one Klink.
Well, I'm on to Germany.
I may as well get started.
Arrivederci. Traitor! Deserter!
This man obviously
needs medical attention.
I'm sure you want
to get on with it. Ciao.
Just a minute! Corporal,
what is the meaning of this?
What's going on?
Our friend
Bonacelli's in trouble.
This coward was trying
to desert to Switzerland.
He thought I was
killed in the air raid.
Arrest that man!
Would you believe a
man with a head wound?
Of course. He's
a German soldier.
Take him to the cooler.
Well, there goes
our man in Capezio.
You think there's a chance
Bonacelli can clear himself?
No chance. It's his
word against the German.
Let's try and get
him out to the sub.
That's a possibility, but he's
more valuable to us in Italy.
But he can't go back
to his camp in Italy.
They think he's a
traitor. That's the point.
We've got to convince
Klink that he's a loyal officer.
Colonel, why don't
we reopen tunnel five?
I could go out under
the wire in the fence,
and then we could
get Bonacelli...
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
That's not it, Carter,
but you're warm.
Oh... Colonel Hogan.
Shh! Follow me.
We escaping?
Temporarily. You'll
be coming back.
Coming back? You must be crazy.
There's going to
be a big escape,
and you're going to capture us.
I'm going to make you
a big hero in Germany.
I'd rather be a little
coward in Switzerland.
Come on.
Yes, Herr General, we
suspect the Italian major
of attempting desertion.
Mm-hmm. Good, sir.
I shall give you
a complete report
as soon as I finish
my investigation.
Yes, sir. Yes.
Herr Kommandant, Herr
Komm... Shh! Schultz,
I'm talking to Berlin
on the telephone.
Yes, Herr General, it was
all done in the line of duty.
Herr Kommandant! Shh! Schultz!
I, uh, hope you will
mention this to Headquarters
the next time they
discuss promotions.
Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.
Thank you, Herr
General, thank you.
Now, Schultz, what is it?
Herr Kommandant, there...
has been an escape!
What?
I don't know how it happened.
Do you know what that
means to my reputation
if one of my prisoners escapes?
It was not one, Herr Kommandant.
You mean two of my
prisoners escaped?
Ten.
Ten prisoners escaped?
Eleven, if you count
the Italian major.
Do you know what happens
when Berlin finds out about this?
They will make me a prisoner!
Hey, buddy, where you been?
What took you so
long? Where's Bonacelli?
Well, he should be here.
He was the first one out.
Well, he's not here. I
hate to say this, Colonel,
but I think we might've made
a mistake about Bonacelli.
He's probably on his
way to Switzerland.
But he promised.
You can't win a
man over with a pizza
and eight bars of
"Santa Lucia"! Bonacelli!
Am I glad to see you
fellows. Are you all right?
Uh, just let me sit
down, rest a minute.
You can't sit down... you
got to march us back to camp.
I'll never make it.
You've got to make it.
The whole woods's crawling
with krauts looking for us.
I can't move another step.
Kinch, Newkirk, pick him
up, carry him back, come on.
Well, Langenscheidt?
No sign of the prisoners,
Herr Kommandant.
And you call yourself
a German Shepherd?
He's doing the best he
can, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm. He couldn't
find a can of dog food.
Mm! Put him on report!
Take him away.
Schultz, I can't believe it.
My men cannot find even one
of the ten escaped prisoners.
Eleven, if you include
the Italian major.
Schultz, always a big mouth.
Uh, Herr Kommandant,
maybe I go out and look.
You couldn't find your
way back to the camp.
Hold up.
Major Bonacelli
returning your prisoners.
I really have to hand it to
you, Klink... you outsmarted me.
I did? Yeah, staging
that phony arrest
so we'd think the
major was on our side.
They make the mistake of
thinking I was a traitor to the Fuhrer.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Schultz!
These men are to be
thrown in the cooler,
and Colonel Hogan will
be confined to the barracks.
I will show you that no
one escapes from Stalag 13.
We should've known better.
We couldn't even escape
from your star pupil.
What chance have we
got against the old master?
All right, men,
forward, hut!
You sent for me, Colonel?
Mm-hmm. I have a
letter here from Italy.
Thanks. I don't save stamps.
I think Kinch does.
It's from Major Bonacelli.
Bonacelli? Oh, yeah,
yeah, your star pupil.
Hey, is there going
to be a class reunion?
I think you will be very
interested in what he has to say.
Well, if it's military secrets,
I don't want to hear it.
You know what a
big mouth I have.
He has asked me to tell you
that all his American prisoners
are working 16 hours a day.
What kind of work are
the prisoners forced to do?
Making pizzas.
Pizzas?
And he insisted
that I read you this:
"Last week,
"my prisoners made
110,000 pizzas,
and next week, we will
push them to 120,000 pizzas."
You see, Hogan, never
underestimate your enemy.
Some people think the Italians
aren't with you all the way.
program in color.
Mmm, mmm!
Smells delicious.
Crepe Suzettes, but
not quite ready yet.
You know, since the war,
the service here
has been terrible.
I know, it's very...
Boy, it sure has.
All right, all right.
Tomorrow night I'm going
to serve a gourmet dinner:
pâté de foie gras,
poulet rôti de jardinière,
and fraises du bois.
Good. I think I'll eat in.
Well, all I have to
do is steal a chicken,
a goose and four pounds
of wild strawberries.
Achtung!
Come on, Schultz!
How many times have
I told you to knock first?
His Achtung made
me bruise the batter.
All right, Schultz, Schultz,
I honestly think
you owe LeBeau an apology.
LeBeau, I didn't mean it.
What are you cooking?
Crepe Suzettes.
And if you're real
nice, I'll give you one.
I'm a very nice
fellow for a guard.
Okay, okay.
Here it is.
Mmm, it smells good.
Mmm!
Delicious!
LeBeau and I are going
to open a little beer garden
after the war.
Hmm. What am I saying?
Kommandant Klink is going to
be here any minute for inspection.
Oh, don't tell me
Berlin is sending more officers
to study Stalag 13!
I know nothing, nothing!
Where is Kinchloe?
Well, he'll be back.
He's in Hamilburg
shopping for dinner.
Oh, please, Colonel Hogan!
Look, is it my fault Klink
always has open house
for the Berlin brass?
Colonel Hogan,
one of these days,
Kommandant Klink
is going to come here
and make a thorough roll call.
And you know what's going
to happen with Schultz?
Right to the Russian Front!
Don't tell me you're
afraid of a bunch of guys
who dance sitting down?
Newkirk, what are you doing?
Cleaning your gun.
You see, Newkirk
has the proper spirit.
He's cleaning my gun...
My gun!
You stole my gun!
Klink's coming.
Achtung!
Everything is in order,
Herr Kommandant!
As it should be.
I understand we
have another visitor
coming to Stalag 13 tomorrow.
That's right.
Another prison camp commander
coming to take a course
under the great Professor Klink?
Colonel Hogan,
Berlin considers this
the perfect prison camp,
and with all due modesty,
considers me the
perfect commandant.
Schultz, I want a close
watch kept on those men
until the arrival
of Major Bonacelli.
Bonacelli.
Italian.
That's right.
He is being sent
here from Capezio
to study my
methods of discipline,
organization and security.
Do you give away your
secrets to a foreigner?
Colonel Hogan, may I remind you
that the Italians
are our allies.
Don't remind me, remind them.
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Come in.
Well, nice to hear
from you, Goldilocks.
Been trying to get in touch
with you since Monday.
We've been on a three day
pass and couldn't get to a phone.
Never mind the sarcasm.
Anything to report?
No, we've had to lay low.
Things are kind
of hot around here.
Commandant Klink is
training POW commanders,
sort of an earn while
you learn program.
Is it clear now?
Can we resume getting
the prisoners out?
Can't do it yet.
We've got a new
trainee arriving,
an Italian major from Capezio.
Capezio? The Allies are going
to be making a
landing there soon.
Good, it'll be
easier for you now.
They'll be one Italian short.
G-2 reports growing friction
between the Italians
and the Germans.
Maybe you can get
some information
regarding the defenses
at Capezio, huh?
We'll give it the
old college try.
But his being a prison
camp commander means
he'll be a rough,
tough character.
You will do exactly
as I say, Corporale.
The road to the prison
camp is straight ahead.
We are not going
to the prison camp.
We are going to Switzerland.
Schweinehund!
You're a deserter.
That's right.
Now, get driving.
No. You can shoot me first.
Why you want me to shoot you?
Come on, we go to Lake Lugano,
we forget about the war, eh?
No.
All right, Lake Lucerne.
But remember, the food
is not so good as Lugano.
Don't move, I shoot you!
I warn you, stay away.
I warn you.
A raid, a raid!
Major Bonacelli.
Si, Corporale.
We are your escort
from Stalag 13.
Grazie, grazie.
Really I don't need an escort
because I have a
wonderful sense of direction.
Where's your driver?
He ran away.
He got frightened...
The air raid.
He was very young,
just a bambino.
We will follow you.
But, really, I don't need...
We have our orders. Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Hi, Schultz.
Hi.
Why don't you get into the game?
Jolly joker.
Come on, the exercise
will do you good, Schultz.
You're getting a
little pudgy there.
Old German saying:
"Man with fat waistline
never catch pretty fraulein."
Well, I catch pretty fraulein.
Hey, fellas, let
Schultz in, huh?
All right.
Oh, no, no, no...
Come on, come on.
No, I-I cannot do it.
It's against regulations.
I'll hold your gun.
Go, go.
Let's see you go.
Come on, Schultzy, head it up!
Oh!
Colonel Hogan.
Oh, Colonel Klink.
This is Major Bonacelli
of the Italian Army.
Colonel Hogan, our ranking
American officer here.
Oh.
Always nice to meet
one of our Allies.
They're our Allies.
I keep forgetting.
Colonel Klink,
you Germans run your
prison camps differently
than we Italians.
Oh, um, how is that?
Well, in our camps,
we have one firm rule.
No prisoner is
allowed to carry a gun.
That is an excellent rule. It...
Schultz!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
Are you crazy?
Allowing a prisoner
to hold your gun?
There is no danger,
Herr Kommandant.
The gun is not loaded.
That's our second rule.
All guards must
carry loaded guns.
Schultz, load your gun
and report to my office
immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Uh, Schultz.
You forgot the gun.
Major, don't judge the rest
of Colonel Klink's
men by Schultz.
The other guards have
bullets and everything.
Have they?
Hogan, you do not have to
give me a vote of confidence.
I'm sure that Major Bonacelli
is very impressed by Stalag 13.
Oh, this is a rough camp.
And you know how
tough the Germans can be.
Look at the way
Hitler treats Mussolini.
Hogan!
Come on, admit it, Colonel.
You know he pushes him around.
Ever see a picture of
the two of them together?
Benito is always to the back.
But not for long.
You know you can
push a people so far.
One day, we Italiani, go...
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Major, first shall we
inspect the guard towers?
Oh.
Herr Kommandant,
Herr Kommandant!
Yes, Langenscheidt, what is it?
The Mess sergeant
would like to know
what you and your guest
would like for dinner.
Antipasto, minestrone,
a pasta al dente...
Langenscheidt!
We will have potato
soup, boiled potatoes,
potato pancakes,
sauerkraut and sauerbraten.
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
Bon appetite.
I think we can get to Bonacelli.
How are you going to do that?
We'll work on his weaknesses.
Italians are very sentimental.
Yeah, they love music.
Well, anybody know the words
to "Santa Lucia?"
Food is the clincher.
LeBeau, how are you on pizza?
Pizza?!
You would ask a Frenchman
to cook a piece of
cardboard with tomato sauce?
We swear not to tell anybody.
Ask me to dig a tunnel, yes.
To climb a barbed wire, yes.
But to make a pizza, no.
We all have to make sacrifices.
Okay. You'll have
to get me a recipe.
All right, anybody here know
how to make a pizza?
Hey, my father got a
pizza parlor in Newark.
Oh, great, Garlotti.
Give LeBeau the recipe.
I don't know it, but I'd be glad
to write to him and get it.
Forget it. We don't
have that much time.
Look, everybody scatter.
Check every prisoner,
and don't come back
without a recipe for pizza.
All right, sir.
Newkirk, do you have
a recipe for pizza?
Goldilocks calling Momma Bear.
Goldilocks calling
Momma Bear. Come in.
Colonel, you mean to tell
me, in this whole prison camp
you couldn't find
a recipe for pizza?
No. I got a recipe
for shish kabob,
egg foo yong, enchiladas,
Yorkshire pudding
and matzo balls.
You want to get through
to Garlotti's Pizzeria
in Newark?
That's right.
May I ask what for?
We'd like to make reservations
for dinner tonight.
There'll be 103 at 7:30.
You know, Hogan,
if you weren't one
of their prisoners,
you'd be one of ours.
Look, we're trying to
get some information
out of that Italian
major I told you about.
We need a recipe for pizza.
Maybe you'd like to
have us send you over
a couple of bottles of red wine.
You don't have to bother.
We already made
that this afternoon.
All right, we'll call London.
Stand by, Goldilocks.
Momma Bear calling Poppa Bear.
Momma Bear calling Poppa Bear.
This is Poppa Bear.
Go ahead, Momma Bear.
We want to get in touch
with Garlotti's
Pizzeria in Newark.
Right.
Stand by, Momma Bear.
Captain Henderson?
Yes, Sergeant?
I just got a call
from Momma Bear
wanting to be put in touch
with a Garlotti's
Pizzeria in Newark.
Garlotti's Pizzeria?
Shall we alert G-2?
Perhaps we ought to send over
a man to decode this message.
We haven't got any
pizzerias in our code.
Try again.
Momma Bear, this is Poppa Bear.
Repeat, please.
We want to get in touch
with Garlotti's
Pizzeria in Newark.
Is that really you, Momma Bear?
It's really me.
Now, get us through
to the pizzeria.
Look here, Momma
Bear, you'll just have to eat
the same rations
as the rest of us.
We don't want the pizzas.
We just want the recipe.
I think you've been
under water too long.
I suggest you surface.
The recipe is not for
us. It's for Goldilocks.
Oh. I should have known.
Garlotti's Pizzeria.
Garlotti speaking.
London calling?
Yes, this is Captain Henderson,
Supreme Allied Headquarters.
No, Mr. Garlotti,
your son is fine.
Yes, he's still in
the prison camp,
but he's in good
health and good spirits.
Oh, thank you,
thank you very much.
What? You want
my recipe for pizza?
Sure. Well, first...
you take two cloves of garlic,
a half a pound
of Italian sausage,
two tablespoons oregano
and a pinch more garlic...
Half cup mushroom
ends and pieces...
A half a cup mushroom
ends and pieces.
One can of tomato paste...
three tablespoons
of parmesan cheese,
uh, grated...
Two tablespoons of shortening,
one cup of flour,
teaspoon of olive oil.
Got it. Now, ask him if he
knows the words to "Santa Lucia".
"Santa Lucia"?
"Santa Lucia"?
"Santa Lucia"?
♪ Santa Lucia ♪
♪ Santa... Lucia. ♪
Major, did you
enjoy your dinner?
I couldn't eat.
For some reason,
I wasn't hungry.
Too bad.
It has been a long time
since I had potato soup,
boiled potatoes,
potato pancakes,
sauerkraut and sauerbraten.
They're playing our song.
Yeah, our prisoners
are very happy.
Mamma mia. Pizza.
Smells good.
Yes. Seems to be coming
from those barracks over there.
Yeah. S-Sergeant,
I think I'm going to
inspect those barracks...
Yeah. Alone.
Here he comes.
Everybody in position.
Signori...
Oh, hi, Major. Bona sera.
What can we do for you?
Uh... I know this sounds absurd,
but I thought I
smelled... pizza.
Pizza?
Oh, oh, really?
And as a matter of fact,
it smells just like the pizza...
Mama used to make.
One of the regrets of my life
is I wasn't shot
down over Italy.
Now, listen, I know there's
a pizza in these barracks.
If it's a matter of money...
Money?
I'll bet even the
Germans in Capezio
eat a lot of pizzas, don't they?
Oh, yes, they do.
Yes, they do.
Now, offhand, how many pizzas
would you say the
German soldiers eat a day,
figuring two per soldier?
Well, that's a secret.
Oh, uh... t-t-two
pizzas, one soldier, uh...
106,000 pizzas.
Hundred and six thousand...
Divide by two.
Sit down, Major.
Garcon! Wine steward!
Oh, garlic, like
a breath of home.
Wait till you taste
the wine. Oh?
It's a vintage wine,
aged almost two weeks.
Never I think I'm going to
find something like this here.
We have a master chef.
Oh, I can't take all the credit.
We got a recipe from his father.
My father owns
Garlotti's Pizzeria
in Newark. Oh, good.
You give me the address...
I'm going to look him up, uh,
right away I get
to America, huh?
Oh, you plan on going to
the States after the war?
What after? During!
Wait a minute.
You're not going back to Italy?
And fight for the
Germans? Never.
Uh, why don't you fight for us?
Join your army?
No, no, no. Go back to
Capezio and be an agent for us.
I could be shot for being a spy.
Well, you're not really
a spy. You're in uniform.
In uniform, they're going to
shoot me for being a traitor.
Please, not while I'm eating.
Just think what you could
be doing for your country.
You could help
shorten the war in Italy.
Could also shorten my life.
Men.
Think of the children
laughing and playing again
in the streets of Milano.
The donkey carts
once more clattering
along the cobblestones
in Portofino.
And the pigeons returning
to the Piazza San Marco.
And your mama mia standing
in the doorway, holding a pizza.
You had to say that, huh?
It's for your country
as well as ours.
All right, I gonna do it.
You'll be our contact.
Si, but on one
condition. What's that?
That your papa give my mama
the recipe for this pizza. Oh!
♪ Santa Lucia! ♪
Thank you, Colonel Klink,
for the kindness you've
extended to me during my visit.
Major Bonacelli, I
hope that your stay here
has been both
informative and pleasant.
And now you know how a
prison camp should be run.
Of course, I could never hope
to be a commander such as you.
That's true. There
is only one Klink.
Well, I'm on to Germany.
I may as well get started.
Arrivederci. Traitor! Deserter!
This man obviously
needs medical attention.
I'm sure you want
to get on with it. Ciao.
Just a minute! Corporal,
what is the meaning of this?
What's going on?
Our friend
Bonacelli's in trouble.
This coward was trying
to desert to Switzerland.
He thought I was
killed in the air raid.
Arrest that man!
Would you believe a
man with a head wound?
Of course. He's
a German soldier.
Take him to the cooler.
Well, there goes
our man in Capezio.
You think there's a chance
Bonacelli can clear himself?
No chance. It's his
word against the German.
Let's try and get
him out to the sub.
That's a possibility, but he's
more valuable to us in Italy.
But he can't go back
to his camp in Italy.
They think he's a
traitor. That's the point.
We've got to convince
Klink that he's a loyal officer.
Colonel, why don't
we reopen tunnel five?
I could go out under
the wire in the fence,
and then we could
get Bonacelli...
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
That's not it, Carter,
but you're warm.
Oh... Colonel Hogan.
Shh! Follow me.
We escaping?
Temporarily. You'll
be coming back.
Coming back? You must be crazy.
There's going to
be a big escape,
and you're going to capture us.
I'm going to make you
a big hero in Germany.
I'd rather be a little
coward in Switzerland.
Come on.
Yes, Herr General, we
suspect the Italian major
of attempting desertion.
Mm-hmm. Good, sir.
I shall give you
a complete report
as soon as I finish
my investigation.
Yes, sir. Yes.
Herr Kommandant, Herr
Komm... Shh! Schultz,
I'm talking to Berlin
on the telephone.
Yes, Herr General, it was
all done in the line of duty.
Herr Kommandant! Shh! Schultz!
I, uh, hope you will
mention this to Headquarters
the next time they
discuss promotions.
Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.
Thank you, Herr
General, thank you.
Now, Schultz, what is it?
Herr Kommandant, there...
has been an escape!
What?
I don't know how it happened.
Do you know what that
means to my reputation
if one of my prisoners escapes?
It was not one, Herr Kommandant.
You mean two of my
prisoners escaped?
Ten.
Ten prisoners escaped?
Eleven, if you count
the Italian major.
Do you know what happens
when Berlin finds out about this?
They will make me a prisoner!
Hey, buddy, where you been?
What took you so
long? Where's Bonacelli?
Well, he should be here.
He was the first one out.
Well, he's not here. I
hate to say this, Colonel,
but I think we might've made
a mistake about Bonacelli.
He's probably on his
way to Switzerland.
But he promised.
You can't win a
man over with a pizza
and eight bars of
"Santa Lucia"! Bonacelli!
Am I glad to see you
fellows. Are you all right?
Uh, just let me sit
down, rest a minute.
You can't sit down... you
got to march us back to camp.
I'll never make it.
You've got to make it.
The whole woods's crawling
with krauts looking for us.
I can't move another step.
Kinch, Newkirk, pick him
up, carry him back, come on.
Well, Langenscheidt?
No sign of the prisoners,
Herr Kommandant.
And you call yourself
a German Shepherd?
He's doing the best he
can, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm. He couldn't
find a can of dog food.
Mm! Put him on report!
Take him away.
Schultz, I can't believe it.
My men cannot find even one
of the ten escaped prisoners.
Eleven, if you include
the Italian major.
Schultz, always a big mouth.
Uh, Herr Kommandant,
maybe I go out and look.
You couldn't find your
way back to the camp.
Hold up.
Major Bonacelli
returning your prisoners.
I really have to hand it to
you, Klink... you outsmarted me.
I did? Yeah, staging
that phony arrest
so we'd think the
major was on our side.
They make the mistake of
thinking I was a traitor to the Fuhrer.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler. Schultz!
These men are to be
thrown in the cooler,
and Colonel Hogan will
be confined to the barracks.
I will show you that no
one escapes from Stalag 13.
We should've known better.
We couldn't even escape
from your star pupil.
What chance have we
got against the old master?
All right, men,
forward, hut!
You sent for me, Colonel?
Mm-hmm. I have a
letter here from Italy.
Thanks. I don't save stamps.
I think Kinch does.
It's from Major Bonacelli.
Bonacelli? Oh, yeah,
yeah, your star pupil.
Hey, is there going
to be a class reunion?
I think you will be very
interested in what he has to say.
Well, if it's military secrets,
I don't want to hear it.
You know what a
big mouth I have.
He has asked me to tell you
that all his American prisoners
are working 16 hours a day.
What kind of work are
the prisoners forced to do?
Making pizzas.
Pizzas?
And he insisted
that I read you this:
"Last week,
"my prisoners made
110,000 pizzas,
and next week, we will
push them to 120,000 pizzas."
You see, Hogan, never
underestimate your enemy.
Some people think the Italians
aren't with you all the way.