Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 21 - The Great Impersonation - full transcript
Sergeant Schultz impersonates Klink in a scheme to get some of his men free from the Gestapo.
CBS presents this
program in color.
Easy now. Hold it...
Here it comes.
On the count of three...
One, two,
three!
Hey, that was a lulu!
Oh, very nice, indeed.
Oh, great timing, Newkirk.
You did very well, Newkirk.
Thank you very much, chaps.
For my next number, I
shall do a request explosion.
Did you see it go off?
Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.
Right, right, let's go.
Hey, Carter, which
way back to camp?
Well, I don't know.
What?!
I beg your pardon?
Well, I was afraid
to tell you guys.
I don't know where we are.
I guess I must have
dropped the compass.
How stupid can you get?
You ruddy fool!
Not very bright.
Well, if I had any brains,
would I be a prisoner of war?
How do we get back to camp?
Maybe we could ask somebody?
Who do we ask, a
German soldier or...?
All right, all right.
Take it easy. Hold it!
Let's not lose our heads.
Look, I'll go climb
a tree up topside,
take a look around,
see if I can get a
fix on our position.
I'll go with you, Kinch.
Carter! Hey, stay here.
You'll end up breaking his leg.
I'm sorry, fellas.
Ah, forget it.
We'll make out somehow.
Well, I don't know why
they ever drafted me.
I don't know anything about war.
And if I hadn't
been up in the tree,
they'd have grabbed me, too.
That's a break, anyway.
By now, the
Gestapo's got the boys.
Yeah, that's swell.
Well, at least they
got their fake dog tags.
Yeah, and the detonators
and the walkie-talkie
and a few extra
sticks of dynamite.
It's a cinch the
krauts won't think
they were selling
magazine subscriptions.
We gotta spring 'em, Colonel.
First thing we got to do
is find out where
they've taken the boys.
Look, tomorrow
I'll keep Klink busy.
Tap into his phone
and call Gestapo
headquarters in Gluckenheim.
Call the Gestapo?
Tell 'em you're a general...
General... Kinchmeyer,
Gestapo Headquarters, Berlin.
Push 'em around.
You know the bit.
Sure.
Hello.
This is General
Kinchmeyer speaking.
Why have you not reported
the three men you had captured?
Where are they?
Schnell!
That's very convincing.
You know, I'm not
so sure about you.
So...
You are Antonio Calvelli, hmm?
Yes, sir.
That's funny. You
don't look like a Calvelli.
Well, I've always
been fond of pizza.
Pizza? You are a liar!
Antipasto? Shut up.
And you...
little one...
you are... "Jock McPherson"?
Yes, sir. Hoot mon.
Obviously, a Frenchman.
On my mother's side.
We'll see.
And you...
you are Heinrich Hilgenbecker?
That's right, sir. Or
jawohl, if you prefer.
A very German name
wearing a very British uniform.
Yes, sir. Hands across
the sea and all that.
So, the faces don't
match the names,
the names don't
match the accents,
and the uniforms don't
match anything at all.
It is a bit of a
mess, ain't it, sir?
Quiet. I could have
the three of you shot
for spies and
saboteurs right now.
Begging your pardon, sir, but
we were captured in uniform.
We have identified ourselves;
name, rank and serial number.
And according to the
Geneva Convention,
I could...
I am not interested.
We will find out all
about you in our own way,
soon enough, I assure you.
Sergeant?
Take them to Stalag Four
until I communicate with Berlin.
You will be kept in
solitary confinement
pending the
disposition of your case.
Sir? Ja?
What is it, Calvelli?
I suppose it
wouldn't do any good
to ask for the American Consul?
Good luck, General Kinchmeyer.
Now, let me
understand this, Hogan.
Your men are volunteering?
Yes, sir. They'll help
with camp maintenance,
if you'll allow us to
ask the Red Cross
for movies to be
shown in the Rec Hall.
They want to work?
War does strange
things to people.
What do you say, Colonel?
Movies, huh?
I'll have to call Berlin and
ask policy on this matter.
A man like you has to telephone?
There are rules, you know.
For the commandant of the
toughest POW camp in Germany?
I thought you made
your own rules.
Well, I make a few
and Berlin makes a few.
That way we get
a nice assortment.
Hogan, there is something
behind this request.
Oh, Colonel, I assure you...
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Your
men are working already.
Of course. They're doing their
best to beautify the old alma mater.
But I haven't agreed
to your proposal yet.
Let's just say it's an act of
faith... in our commandant.
You trust me that much?
Oh, please, don't embarrass
me by asking emotional questions.
I understand.
I knew you would.
In view of your
expression of confidence,
I will settle the matter
at once in your favor.
Hello, get me Berli... Hello?
Who's on the line?
General Kinchmeyer?!
Uh, were you calling me, sir?
Who am I?
I am Colonel Wilhelm Klink,
Stalag 13, at your service, sir.
Oh, you weren't?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
The lines must be
crossed. I'll get off at once.
Yes, sir.
Wh-wh-what's that?
Yes, Heil Hitler.
General Kinchmeyer...
I don't know any
General Kinchmeyer. I...
Hogan, what's the
matter with you?
You don't look well at all.
It's the old ticker.
Skips a beat once in awhile.
Twelve.
It can't be.
Three men missing?
I have to count again.
Eins, zwei, drei...
Forget it, Schultz, there
are three men missing.
And Klink will be
here in a minute.
I wish there would
be four missing.
Why four?
Including me.
Oh, I have to
report this at once.
He'll blame you.
You're in charge.
I can explain the
three men, Schultz.
Report everyone present.
Tell the commandant a lie?
Of course.
Why don't I ever
think of those things?
They are in Stalag Four now?
Mm-hmm. That's right.
Why did they leave?
I thought they were happy here.
Was there something I said?
No, no, they got restless
and decided to take a walk,
and the Gestapo grabbed them.
The Gestapo!
Mm-hmm.
That's the situation.
I'll report this to
Commandant Klink,
and he will get them back.
You mean, before they talk?
Yes, before they talk.
Talk about what?
You see, that's the problem.
The boys are sure
to be questioned.
They'll talk about Stalag
13, and they'll mention you.
So?
Well, I mean,
what if you do take
an occasional
bribe of cigarettes?
Or give a little information
in exchange for
a few candy bars?
Or lie to Klink, your
superior officer?
That was your idea.
In this world, you want
to be Mr. Nice Guy,
you have to pay the price.
They could send me
to the Russian Front.
Or shoot you.
Or both.
That's impossible.
You can't shoot a man
and send him to
the Russian Front.
No, they could do it.
Eh, I'm sorry, Schultz.
Sorry don't help.
We have to get them back
before they talk about me.
Please, Colonel
Hogan, do something.
All right, there's
only one thing to do.
An officer from
Stalag 13 has to go
to Stalag Four and get the boys.
Why, that is a
brilliant idea, Colonel.
Thank you, Kinch.
Fine, but who is the officer?
Who can we trust?
You.
Me?
You.
You are both nuts.
Me, an officer?
Come on, Schultz!
Nobody at Stalag Four
knows what Klink looks like.
We'll make you a
beautiful uniform.
You simply walk right in and
demand the three prisoners.
I cannot pose as an officer.
Forget it. We have to
think of something else.
Eh, not we... you.
That's right, Schultz.
It's your funeral.
Ooh! I wish you
hadn't put it that way.
Oh, I'm sorry, Schultz.
No, I cannot do it.
That's final.
Pose as an officer!
Well, so much for that idea.
Kinch, my boy, sometimes
you've got to have confidence.
Five, four, three, two, one...
Oh, Colonel Hogan!
Achtung!
At your service,
Commandant Klink!
Neck...
19 and a half.
Neck...
19 and a half.
Boy...
this one may have to be
continued on the next tape measure.
You call yourself a tailor.
Don't do that.
Waist: 52.
Waist: 52.
Sure that's not wrapped
around both of you?
Very funny.
Don't forget the hips
and chest measurements.
The same as my waist.
Well, saves time.
No, Colonel Hogan, no, I
cannot go through with it.
All right, Schultz.
We leave the
boys at Stalag Four,
and the Gestapo questions them.
For you, that's the fastest
way to the Russian Front!
I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan,
but I-I haven't got the courage.
No guts, Schultz?
That I never had, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid we lost him.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Look, we don't have
any choice in the matter.
We've got a good organization.
LeBeau, Carter and
Newkirk, they're a part of it.
Without them, we fold up.
You don't have to sell me.
What about Schultz?
All right, tomorrow we
put the pressure on him.
How much material will you
need to make him a uniform?
Well, let's put it this way:
How many inches in an acre?
Kind of cold, huh, Schultz?
Ja, very cold.
Care for a cigarette?
Oh. Well, thank you...
Well, here, here,
keep the whole pack.
No, no, no, no, I can't.
No, no, no, no, no, no...
Here. Oh, come on, Schultz...
It's against regulations.
Keep the whole pack.
Please, I... Ah, come on.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, Schultzie, here's
that can of sardines
I promised you, old buddy.
Sardines? Yeah.
Oh, no, I c-can't...
Oh, come on.
Here, go on, take them, here.
And I'll bring you
the chocolate bars
as soon as I get my
Red Cross package.
Chocolate! Ja!
Please! I like choc...
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Cigarettes?
Sardines?
Chocolate bars?
You live better than Goring,
and you're twice as big.
Yes, Herr Kommandant, but...
It is against regulations
to fraternize with the prisoners
or take things from them
for any reason whatsoever.
Yes...
Put yourself on report.
What happened?
Fraternizing... You
heard what he said.
Oh, that's nothing.
He'll give me some extra duty,
and then the whole
thing is forgotten.
I don't think so, Schultz.
It becomes part of your record,
and when the Gestapo adds
that to what the boys tell them...
I was standing here
minding my own business...
Here he comes.
All right, start the hat.
Now, remember
how much you put in
so you can get it back.
All right, fellas,
let's all give.
Remember, it's for a good cause.
Dig, dig, come on!
Try to forget that the man
we're collecting for
wears a German uniform.
He's been more
than an enemy to us.
Oh, hi, Schultz.
Wha-What is this for?
Oh, this? Oh, we're collecting
for somebody's widow.
I mean, wife! You said widow.
Well, she's not a widow yet.
We just want to
be ready in case.
Aw, this is nice.
You all got it right in here.
Thanks, Schultz.
Wife?
Widow?
Just in case?
Just in case it is me.
All right.
Back with the money.
Back, back, back, back,
back, back with the money.
Back with the money...
All set? Let's try it.
Now, remember, I'm your captain.
Kinch is Major Bernsdorf,
Kommandant of Stalag 4.
All set?
Here we go.
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
Ah, Colonel Klink,
welcome to Stalag 4.
Heil Hitler!
Morning, Major.
Nice to meet you.
No, no, Schultz,
that's all wrong.
Listen,
to be a German officer,
you have to be mean
and nasty and-and arrogant.
Right.
Arrogance is what
makes a German officer.
L-Let's do it again.
Please, quickly.
All right. Look, look, look.
Maybe with a riding crop.
That's what Klink has, huh?
Stand over there,
watch me do it.
Major Bernsdorf, you are
holding three of my prisoners.
I demand their release at once!
Sir,
without proper authority,
I must deny your request.
You dare to deny my request?
I shall have you
court-martialed!
Jawohl!
Okay?
Ja, ja.
Let's try it.
From the top.
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
Major Bernsdorf, you
have three of my prisoners.
I demand that you
release them at once!
Ooh... ooh...
I hurt myself.
Come on, Schultz,
concentrate, will you?
Major Bernsdorf, you
have three of my prisoners.
I demand that you
release them at once!
Sir, I deny that request.
Okay. If you say no,
then it is no.
Major Bernsdorf, I
demand that you release...
Schultz, Schultz.
I'm over here.
I can't help it.
I-I... I can't see through.
Schultz, open the other eye.
Attention! I am Colonel Klink.
I want you to stand at attention
when I talk to
you, or I send you
to the Russian Front.
Do you understand?!
I tell you and
you and you and...
Ooh, and you, too.
Achtung!
Attention!
You understand if I
talk to you attention?
Oh, my goodness.
Attention!
All set.
I fixed the back
window in Klink's office.
You'll be able
to open it tonight.
Good.
Now, remember, give
us a two-hour start.
When the boys in the
barracks start the diversion,
you get into Klink's
office and make the call.
Don't worry, I'll be there.
Did you talk to Schultz?
Yeah, he'll have a truck
out of the motor pool.
He'll meet you
there right after dark.
Fine. Then we'll
be off and running.
Sure hope this works.
If it doesn't, I'll just
keep right on running.
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
Hei...
Hei...
Colonel Klink, Heil Hitler.
It's a pleasure. We're honored.
Y-You-You are?
Naturally!
Can't get any decent
monocles nowadays.
May I offer you
some refreshment?
Ja. How about a little sandwich,
some liverwurst with a
little bratwurst on the side.
Colonel, may I remind you,
our time is limited.
Yes, uh, of course.
Thank you, Colonel.
Colonel?
Oh, uh, he wants to be one.
Makes him happy.
I see.
Prosit...!
Prosit!
Now, what can I do for you?
You have three of my prisoners.
I would like you to
release them at once.
Captain, give him their names.
Jawohl, Kommandant.
Antonio Calvelli,
Jock McPherson,
Heinrich Hilgenbecker.
But these men were
brought here by the Gestapo.
I don't care about the Gestapo.
It's very brave
of you to say that.
Maybe I'm too brave.
I don't seem to have
any written authority
to release the men.
Written authority?!
Nobody told me
anything about that.
Commandant, it's hard to believe
your word is not enough.
I know what you mean.
I wish I didn't, but I do.
I demand that you release
the three prisoners at once!
I must deny your request.
Is that so?!
Well...
if you say no, then it's no.
Let's go.
Uh, sir, may I
remind you that, uh...
Major Bernsdorf.
Who?
Kinchmeyer.
General Kinchmeyer, Gestapo.
Has, uh, Colonel
Klink arrived yet?
Yes, he's here now.
Good. You will release
the three prisoners to him...
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
But, General Kinchmeyer,
I have no written authority
to release these men.
You dare to question the
word of a Gestapo General?
Release the three
prisoners at once,
or you will suffer
the consequences.
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler, General.
I have received orders to
deliver these men to you.
I will do so at once.
I'm glad you see it my way.
Oh, boy, am I glad.
Halt!
Here are your three prisoners.
Danke.
Put the prisoners
into the truck at once.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
Inside!
Hey, look... isn't that that
terrible Colonel Schultz
from Stalag 13?
No, that's the
terrible Colonel Klink
from Stalag 13.
Don't send us back
there, sir, please.
No, it's inhuman.
We were happy here.
We even had a tunnel started.
All right, raus!
Inside the truck!
You heard the order!
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
There you are, sir.
Three prisoners.
Very good.
If you don't mind my saying so,
it's a highly irregular way of
conducting military business.
Who do you think
you're talking to?
But...
I will tell you who
you are talking to.
I am the famous Colonel Klink!
The Iron Colonel.
Now he comes to life.
Arrest this man.
But, sir...
Have him shot and
sent to the Russian Front.
And believe me, I can do it.
And what is more...
Uh, sir, Sergeant Schultz
is waiting for you.
I am a very big
man with Sergeant...
Schultz?
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.
You, uh, must come
to visit us sometime.
Hey, Schultz, you were terrific.
Yeah, you really
told that major;
send him to the Russian Front.
You gave him what
for, right and proper.
Hey, Schultzy, where
did you get the...?
Hey, Schultz, what's the matter?
Colonel, he's fainted.
Blimey, so he has.
There's one
thing in our favor...
He was sitting down
when it happened.
I told you, sir, that
they are not here.
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
There has never
been an escape from Stalag 13.
Then I suggest
that someone is making
a fool of you, Colonel.
Impossible.
What's done is done.
The fact remains that an officer
calling himself Colonel
Klink came to Stalag 4
and took those men.
Now, I was here all last night
in my quarters
listening to the BBC.
I mean, the BBC Symphony.
I have them on records.
The man was over six feet tall,
weighed 300 pounds, with very...
military bearing.
Well, that certainly is not me.
And we have no such
officer in our camp.
Very well.
But I assure you,
the investigation
will be continued.
The nerve of him!
You know, sir,
the description he
gave fits Schultz.
Coming here and...
Schultz?
Our Schultz, an officer?
That's ridiculous.
Schultz an officer.
Colonel Hogan, what happened?
They're looking
for a man, Schultz,
over six feet tall, weight 300.
Do you think there's a chance
they might find him?
No, but just to be
on the safe side,
why don't you go on a diet?
Colonel.
All right, men, fall out.
program in color.
Easy now. Hold it...
Here it comes.
On the count of three...
One, two,
three!
Hey, that was a lulu!
Oh, very nice, indeed.
Oh, great timing, Newkirk.
You did very well, Newkirk.
Thank you very much, chaps.
For my next number, I
shall do a request explosion.
Did you see it go off?
Come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.
Right, right, let's go.
Hey, Carter, which
way back to camp?
Well, I don't know.
What?!
I beg your pardon?
Well, I was afraid
to tell you guys.
I don't know where we are.
I guess I must have
dropped the compass.
How stupid can you get?
You ruddy fool!
Not very bright.
Well, if I had any brains,
would I be a prisoner of war?
How do we get back to camp?
Maybe we could ask somebody?
Who do we ask, a
German soldier or...?
All right, all right.
Take it easy. Hold it!
Let's not lose our heads.
Look, I'll go climb
a tree up topside,
take a look around,
see if I can get a
fix on our position.
I'll go with you, Kinch.
Carter! Hey, stay here.
You'll end up breaking his leg.
I'm sorry, fellas.
Ah, forget it.
We'll make out somehow.
Well, I don't know why
they ever drafted me.
I don't know anything about war.
And if I hadn't
been up in the tree,
they'd have grabbed me, too.
That's a break, anyway.
By now, the
Gestapo's got the boys.
Yeah, that's swell.
Well, at least they
got their fake dog tags.
Yeah, and the detonators
and the walkie-talkie
and a few extra
sticks of dynamite.
It's a cinch the
krauts won't think
they were selling
magazine subscriptions.
We gotta spring 'em, Colonel.
First thing we got to do
is find out where
they've taken the boys.
Look, tomorrow
I'll keep Klink busy.
Tap into his phone
and call Gestapo
headquarters in Gluckenheim.
Call the Gestapo?
Tell 'em you're a general...
General... Kinchmeyer,
Gestapo Headquarters, Berlin.
Push 'em around.
You know the bit.
Sure.
Hello.
This is General
Kinchmeyer speaking.
Why have you not reported
the three men you had captured?
Where are they?
Schnell!
That's very convincing.
You know, I'm not
so sure about you.
So...
You are Antonio Calvelli, hmm?
Yes, sir.
That's funny. You
don't look like a Calvelli.
Well, I've always
been fond of pizza.
Pizza? You are a liar!
Antipasto? Shut up.
And you...
little one...
you are... "Jock McPherson"?
Yes, sir. Hoot mon.
Obviously, a Frenchman.
On my mother's side.
We'll see.
And you...
you are Heinrich Hilgenbecker?
That's right, sir. Or
jawohl, if you prefer.
A very German name
wearing a very British uniform.
Yes, sir. Hands across
the sea and all that.
So, the faces don't
match the names,
the names don't
match the accents,
and the uniforms don't
match anything at all.
It is a bit of a
mess, ain't it, sir?
Quiet. I could have
the three of you shot
for spies and
saboteurs right now.
Begging your pardon, sir, but
we were captured in uniform.
We have identified ourselves;
name, rank and serial number.
And according to the
Geneva Convention,
I could...
I am not interested.
We will find out all
about you in our own way,
soon enough, I assure you.
Sergeant?
Take them to Stalag Four
until I communicate with Berlin.
You will be kept in
solitary confinement
pending the
disposition of your case.
Sir? Ja?
What is it, Calvelli?
I suppose it
wouldn't do any good
to ask for the American Consul?
Good luck, General Kinchmeyer.
Now, let me
understand this, Hogan.
Your men are volunteering?
Yes, sir. They'll help
with camp maintenance,
if you'll allow us to
ask the Red Cross
for movies to be
shown in the Rec Hall.
They want to work?
War does strange
things to people.
What do you say, Colonel?
Movies, huh?
I'll have to call Berlin and
ask policy on this matter.
A man like you has to telephone?
There are rules, you know.
For the commandant of the
toughest POW camp in Germany?
I thought you made
your own rules.
Well, I make a few
and Berlin makes a few.
That way we get
a nice assortment.
Hogan, there is something
behind this request.
Oh, Colonel, I assure you...
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Your
men are working already.
Of course. They're doing their
best to beautify the old alma mater.
But I haven't agreed
to your proposal yet.
Let's just say it's an act of
faith... in our commandant.
You trust me that much?
Oh, please, don't embarrass
me by asking emotional questions.
I understand.
I knew you would.
In view of your
expression of confidence,
I will settle the matter
at once in your favor.
Hello, get me Berli... Hello?
Who's on the line?
General Kinchmeyer?!
Uh, were you calling me, sir?
Who am I?
I am Colonel Wilhelm Klink,
Stalag 13, at your service, sir.
Oh, you weren't?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
The lines must be
crossed. I'll get off at once.
Yes, sir.
Wh-wh-what's that?
Yes, Heil Hitler.
General Kinchmeyer...
I don't know any
General Kinchmeyer. I...
Hogan, what's the
matter with you?
You don't look well at all.
It's the old ticker.
Skips a beat once in awhile.
Twelve.
It can't be.
Three men missing?
I have to count again.
Eins, zwei, drei...
Forget it, Schultz, there
are three men missing.
And Klink will be
here in a minute.
I wish there would
be four missing.
Why four?
Including me.
Oh, I have to
report this at once.
He'll blame you.
You're in charge.
I can explain the
three men, Schultz.
Report everyone present.
Tell the commandant a lie?
Of course.
Why don't I ever
think of those things?
They are in Stalag Four now?
Mm-hmm. That's right.
Why did they leave?
I thought they were happy here.
Was there something I said?
No, no, they got restless
and decided to take a walk,
and the Gestapo grabbed them.
The Gestapo!
Mm-hmm.
That's the situation.
I'll report this to
Commandant Klink,
and he will get them back.
You mean, before they talk?
Yes, before they talk.
Talk about what?
You see, that's the problem.
The boys are sure
to be questioned.
They'll talk about Stalag
13, and they'll mention you.
So?
Well, I mean,
what if you do take
an occasional
bribe of cigarettes?
Or give a little information
in exchange for
a few candy bars?
Or lie to Klink, your
superior officer?
That was your idea.
In this world, you want
to be Mr. Nice Guy,
you have to pay the price.
They could send me
to the Russian Front.
Or shoot you.
Or both.
That's impossible.
You can't shoot a man
and send him to
the Russian Front.
No, they could do it.
Eh, I'm sorry, Schultz.
Sorry don't help.
We have to get them back
before they talk about me.
Please, Colonel
Hogan, do something.
All right, there's
only one thing to do.
An officer from
Stalag 13 has to go
to Stalag Four and get the boys.
Why, that is a
brilliant idea, Colonel.
Thank you, Kinch.
Fine, but who is the officer?
Who can we trust?
You.
Me?
You.
You are both nuts.
Me, an officer?
Come on, Schultz!
Nobody at Stalag Four
knows what Klink looks like.
We'll make you a
beautiful uniform.
You simply walk right in and
demand the three prisoners.
I cannot pose as an officer.
Forget it. We have to
think of something else.
Eh, not we... you.
That's right, Schultz.
It's your funeral.
Ooh! I wish you
hadn't put it that way.
Oh, I'm sorry, Schultz.
No, I cannot do it.
That's final.
Pose as an officer!
Well, so much for that idea.
Kinch, my boy, sometimes
you've got to have confidence.
Five, four, three, two, one...
Oh, Colonel Hogan!
Achtung!
At your service,
Commandant Klink!
Neck...
19 and a half.
Neck...
19 and a half.
Boy...
this one may have to be
continued on the next tape measure.
You call yourself a tailor.
Don't do that.
Waist: 52.
Waist: 52.
Sure that's not wrapped
around both of you?
Very funny.
Don't forget the hips
and chest measurements.
The same as my waist.
Well, saves time.
No, Colonel Hogan, no, I
cannot go through with it.
All right, Schultz.
We leave the
boys at Stalag Four,
and the Gestapo questions them.
For you, that's the fastest
way to the Russian Front!
I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan,
but I-I haven't got the courage.
No guts, Schultz?
That I never had, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid we lost him.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Look, we don't have
any choice in the matter.
We've got a good organization.
LeBeau, Carter and
Newkirk, they're a part of it.
Without them, we fold up.
You don't have to sell me.
What about Schultz?
All right, tomorrow we
put the pressure on him.
How much material will you
need to make him a uniform?
Well, let's put it this way:
How many inches in an acre?
Kind of cold, huh, Schultz?
Ja, very cold.
Care for a cigarette?
Oh. Well, thank you...
Well, here, here,
keep the whole pack.
No, no, no, no, I can't.
No, no, no, no, no, no...
Here. Oh, come on, Schultz...
It's against regulations.
Keep the whole pack.
Please, I... Ah, come on.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, Schultzie, here's
that can of sardines
I promised you, old buddy.
Sardines? Yeah.
Oh, no, I c-can't...
Oh, come on.
Here, go on, take them, here.
And I'll bring you
the chocolate bars
as soon as I get my
Red Cross package.
Chocolate! Ja!
Please! I like choc...
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Cigarettes?
Sardines?
Chocolate bars?
You live better than Goring,
and you're twice as big.
Yes, Herr Kommandant, but...
It is against regulations
to fraternize with the prisoners
or take things from them
for any reason whatsoever.
Yes...
Put yourself on report.
What happened?
Fraternizing... You
heard what he said.
Oh, that's nothing.
He'll give me some extra duty,
and then the whole
thing is forgotten.
I don't think so, Schultz.
It becomes part of your record,
and when the Gestapo adds
that to what the boys tell them...
I was standing here
minding my own business...
Here he comes.
All right, start the hat.
Now, remember
how much you put in
so you can get it back.
All right, fellas,
let's all give.
Remember, it's for a good cause.
Dig, dig, come on!
Try to forget that the man
we're collecting for
wears a German uniform.
He's been more
than an enemy to us.
Oh, hi, Schultz.
Wha-What is this for?
Oh, this? Oh, we're collecting
for somebody's widow.
I mean, wife! You said widow.
Well, she's not a widow yet.
We just want to
be ready in case.
Aw, this is nice.
You all got it right in here.
Thanks, Schultz.
Wife?
Widow?
Just in case?
Just in case it is me.
All right.
Back with the money.
Back, back, back, back,
back, back with the money.
Back with the money...
All set? Let's try it.
Now, remember, I'm your captain.
Kinch is Major Bernsdorf,
Kommandant of Stalag 4.
All set?
Here we go.
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
Ah, Colonel Klink,
welcome to Stalag 4.
Heil Hitler!
Morning, Major.
Nice to meet you.
No, no, Schultz,
that's all wrong.
Listen,
to be a German officer,
you have to be mean
and nasty and-and arrogant.
Right.
Arrogance is what
makes a German officer.
L-Let's do it again.
Please, quickly.
All right. Look, look, look.
Maybe with a riding crop.
That's what Klink has, huh?
Stand over there,
watch me do it.
Major Bernsdorf, you are
holding three of my prisoners.
I demand their release at once!
Sir,
without proper authority,
I must deny your request.
You dare to deny my request?
I shall have you
court-martialed!
Jawohl!
Okay?
Ja, ja.
Let's try it.
From the top.
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
Major Bernsdorf, you
have three of my prisoners.
I demand that you
release them at once!
Ooh... ooh...
I hurt myself.
Come on, Schultz,
concentrate, will you?
Major Bernsdorf, you
have three of my prisoners.
I demand that you
release them at once!
Sir, I deny that request.
Okay. If you say no,
then it is no.
Major Bernsdorf, I
demand that you release...
Schultz, Schultz.
I'm over here.
I can't help it.
I-I... I can't see through.
Schultz, open the other eye.
Attention! I am Colonel Klink.
I want you to stand at attention
when I talk to
you, or I send you
to the Russian Front.
Do you understand?!
I tell you and
you and you and...
Ooh, and you, too.
Achtung!
Attention!
You understand if I
talk to you attention?
Oh, my goodness.
Attention!
All set.
I fixed the back
window in Klink's office.
You'll be able
to open it tonight.
Good.
Now, remember, give
us a two-hour start.
When the boys in the
barracks start the diversion,
you get into Klink's
office and make the call.
Don't worry, I'll be there.
Did you talk to Schultz?
Yeah, he'll have a truck
out of the motor pool.
He'll meet you
there right after dark.
Fine. Then we'll
be off and running.
Sure hope this works.
If it doesn't, I'll just
keep right on running.
Achtung! Colonel Klink!
Hei...
Hei...
Colonel Klink, Heil Hitler.
It's a pleasure. We're honored.
Y-You-You are?
Naturally!
Can't get any decent
monocles nowadays.
May I offer you
some refreshment?
Ja. How about a little sandwich,
some liverwurst with a
little bratwurst on the side.
Colonel, may I remind you,
our time is limited.
Yes, uh, of course.
Thank you, Colonel.
Colonel?
Oh, uh, he wants to be one.
Makes him happy.
I see.
Prosit...!
Prosit!
Now, what can I do for you?
You have three of my prisoners.
I would like you to
release them at once.
Captain, give him their names.
Jawohl, Kommandant.
Antonio Calvelli,
Jock McPherson,
Heinrich Hilgenbecker.
But these men were
brought here by the Gestapo.
I don't care about the Gestapo.
It's very brave
of you to say that.
Maybe I'm too brave.
I don't seem to have
any written authority
to release the men.
Written authority?!
Nobody told me
anything about that.
Commandant, it's hard to believe
your word is not enough.
I know what you mean.
I wish I didn't, but I do.
I demand that you release
the three prisoners at once!
I must deny your request.
Is that so?!
Well...
if you say no, then it's no.
Let's go.
Uh, sir, may I
remind you that, uh...
Major Bernsdorf.
Who?
Kinchmeyer.
General Kinchmeyer, Gestapo.
Has, uh, Colonel
Klink arrived yet?
Yes, he's here now.
Good. You will release
the three prisoners to him...
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
But, General Kinchmeyer,
I have no written authority
to release these men.
You dare to question the
word of a Gestapo General?
Release the three
prisoners at once,
or you will suffer
the consequences.
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler, General.
I have received orders to
deliver these men to you.
I will do so at once.
I'm glad you see it my way.
Oh, boy, am I glad.
Halt!
Here are your three prisoners.
Danke.
Put the prisoners
into the truck at once.
Jawohl, Herr Colonel.
Inside!
Hey, look... isn't that that
terrible Colonel Schultz
from Stalag 13?
No, that's the
terrible Colonel Klink
from Stalag 13.
Don't send us back
there, sir, please.
No, it's inhuman.
We were happy here.
We even had a tunnel started.
All right, raus!
Inside the truck!
You heard the order!
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
Back, back, back,
back, back, back!
There you are, sir.
Three prisoners.
Very good.
If you don't mind my saying so,
it's a highly irregular way of
conducting military business.
Who do you think
you're talking to?
But...
I will tell you who
you are talking to.
I am the famous Colonel Klink!
The Iron Colonel.
Now he comes to life.
Arrest this man.
But, sir...
Have him shot and
sent to the Russian Front.
And believe me, I can do it.
And what is more...
Uh, sir, Sergeant Schultz
is waiting for you.
I am a very big
man with Sergeant...
Schultz?
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen, Colonel.
You, uh, must come
to visit us sometime.
Hey, Schultz, you were terrific.
Yeah, you really
told that major;
send him to the Russian Front.
You gave him what
for, right and proper.
Hey, Schultzy, where
did you get the...?
Hey, Schultz, what's the matter?
Colonel, he's fainted.
Blimey, so he has.
There's one
thing in our favor...
He was sitting down
when it happened.
I told you, sir, that
they are not here.
Calvelli, McPherson
und Hilgenbecker.
There has never
been an escape from Stalag 13.
Then I suggest
that someone is making
a fool of you, Colonel.
Impossible.
What's done is done.
The fact remains that an officer
calling himself Colonel
Klink came to Stalag 4
and took those men.
Now, I was here all last night
in my quarters
listening to the BBC.
I mean, the BBC Symphony.
I have them on records.
The man was over six feet tall,
weighed 300 pounds, with very...
military bearing.
Well, that certainly is not me.
And we have no such
officer in our camp.
Very well.
But I assure you,
the investigation
will be continued.
The nerve of him!
You know, sir,
the description he
gave fits Schultz.
Coming here and...
Schultz?
Our Schultz, an officer?
That's ridiculous.
Schultz an officer.
Colonel Hogan, what happened?
They're looking
for a man, Schultz,
over six feet tall, weight 300.
Do you think there's a chance
they might find him?
No, but just to be
on the safe side,
why don't you go on a diet?
Colonel.
All right, men, fall out.