Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 1, Episode 25 - Psychic Kommandant - full transcript

CBS presents this
program in color.

Yes, General Burkhalter.

Top secret?

Sir, I want you to know how
much I appreciate your trust in me.

Oh, you had no
other choice. I see.

Yes, sir, I'm alone.

General Burkhalter, I can
assure you that I am alone.

Yes, sir, I'll check
it right away.

Everything is all
right, Herr General.

No one is here.

Oh, yes, sir, that is important.



I can see that...

Hey, Kinch, what's
wrong with this thing?

I don't know.

Just when Klink was
about to spill the top secret.

Looks okay here.

Schultz is coming.

Keep him busy.

Right.

See if you can
check that out, huh?

Right.

Schultz is coming.

Barrack inspection!

All right, enough
of this rubbish.

Come along, gentlemen.



Time to make your fortunes
and minimize your losses.

What about you, LeBeau?

No, well, you already
owe me three million francs.

I don't want to play.

All right, Carter,
you have a go.

No. You're into me for $212,000.

You're a lot of dirty
money-grubbers,

that's what you are.

Now come along
gentlemen, watch this.

Does the hand deceive the eye?

Where could it possibly be?

Let's keep our eye
on it at all times.

Who'll make a wager?

All right, this one.

There it is.

Come on, now,

where could it possibly be?

Come on, anybody else?

All right, I'll try.

There it is.

It isn't, mate.

Very good, though, very good.

There it is, you see that?

Now, let's have another try.

This is the easiest
thing in the world, right?

You see it? Well, where is it?

I see it. It's right under...

No, no!

No... it is under

this one.

Schultz is right,

and you're wrong.

Very good, very good.

Let's do it again.

It's a game of chance, you know.

I'll take a chance.

Yes?

Four marks: eins,
zwei, drei, vier, ja?

Well, all right, but
I must warn you,

I've been very, very unlucky.

Yeah, you owe me
three million francs.

With me, it's strictly cash.

Oh, I wouldn't have
it any other way.

Here we go then. Right.

Which one?

That one?

No... no... no.

You want this one?
No, no, no, no, no.

Now which one do you
want? You've named them all.

That one?

Wrong!

There it is.

Achtung.

Mm-hmm. What do we have here?

It's a game, sir.

To be exact, the shell game.

I've heard of it before.

Schultz, did you see that
these men were gambling?

Never mind, Schultz.

You can't see over your stomach.

Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan?

Now, we got more company.

Stay with it, huh?

Okay.

Sir, Colonel Hogan
doesn't like to be disturbed

when he's taking a nap.

Oh, well, I wouldn't
dream of disturbing him.

Colonel Hogan!

What is it, Colonel?

You caught me right in
the middle of a great dream.

The blonde again?

No, redhead this time.

To use an American expression...

While you were
asleep at the switch,

I uncovered a fly
in the ointment.

What do you say about that?

Well, for one thing, Colonel,
you're mixing your metaphors.

Hogan, you know my
rules about gambling.

Schultz, I want these
men to be punished.

I want you to put them
on report immediately.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Gambling?!

Aw, you must be mistaken.

Were you men gambling?

Gambling? Never.

See?

Uh-huh. What do you call this?

Oh, sir, I think
you'll agree with me

that gambling is based on luck

and an element of
chance, don't you agree?

Yes. Mm-hmm.

I can guarantee, as a
gentleman and an officer,

this game is not gambling.

Hogan, I am no fool.

If this is not
gambling, what is it?

We're conducting
experiments in ESP.

ESP?

Extrasensory perception.

Hogan...

Well, actually, we're conducting
the same kind of experiments

as Professor Otto
Von Tillermaan.

Oh, what am I telling you for.

You're probably more familiar

with Von Tillermaan's
work than I am.

Well, I... I really haven't
read much of his work lately.

He uses the shell game?

That's right.

He proved that the German people

have a higher degree of
ESP than any other people.

All your great leaders had it:

Bismarck, Frederick the Great,

um, um... what's-his-name,
uh, you know...

Um...

Hitler!

Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

You probably have it, too.

Now that you mention it,

I often get, uh, vibrations...

a kind of intuition.

As you say, a lot of the Germans
have the same faculty, yes?

Say, let's see how you
do with the shell game.

Newkirk?

Oh, no, no...

Of course, one time won't
really prove anything, will it?

Have you ever
played it before, sir?

No, Newkirk.

Well, just watch
the little pill there, sir.

The object, of course, is to try

and find out which one it is.

You see it?

Well, where is it?

Right on the nose!

Try it again, try it again.

I'll do it much
faster this time.

Let's keep our eye
on it at all times.

Now, we'll have
another little try.

This man's in
league with the devil.

Professor Von Tillermaan
would be proud of you.

Oh, it was nothing.

Let's try a tough one now.

I'll write a number
from one to ten,

you try to guess it, all right?

The number... is eight.

Eight, all right.

No, no, no, wait, wait.

It is nine.

Hogan, how far off am I?

This is amazing.

It's the greatest
thing I've ever seen.

Look at that!

Ah!

I wrote the eight,

crossed it out,
and wrote the nine.

You have the best
ESP I've ever seen.

Well, I can't explain it.

Either you've got
it or you haven't.

Schultz, what are you doing?

Oh, I put the men on
report for gambling.

For gambling?

Schultz, you're an idiot.

Why put these men
on report for gambling,

when they are conducting
Von Tillermaan's experiments.

At ease, gentlemen.

Hey, we did all right? Eh?

Herr Kommandant...

Wait, Helga.

No... no, no, no, no, no.

You cannot have
the afternoon off.

That's what you were
going to ask me, wasn't it?

No, I was just going to tell
you that Colonel Hogan is here.

Oh... but you did
want the afternoon off

at some time, didn't you?

Yes, about two weeks ago.

I thought so.

Don't try to keep
any secrets from me.

Now go and send
in Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan!

Hogan, what happened?

I just told her a joke.

You did?

I would like to hear it.

You wouldn't like it.

Yes I would. Go on.

All right.

Goebbels and Goring
were having lunch one day

with, uh, what's-his-name, uh...

Hitler.

That's the fella.

Goering said,
"Fuehrer, do you know

what you'd look like
without that mustache?"

Never mind, never mind.

Told you, you wouldn't like it.

You wanted to see
me for something?

Yes, Colonel Hogan.

For the next two days, I
want you and your men

to be confined to the barracks.

I don't want anyone to leave
for any reason whatsoever.

Is that understood?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You told me there'd
be no punishment.

It's not punishment.

It's for security reason.

Top secret.

Oh, I see.

Never mind about the desk.

There's nothing there of value.

You have a very
suspicious nature.

I am too clever for you, Hogan.

I also happen to have
extrasensory perception.

Yes, I know.

I think I created
a Frankenstein.

Helga, you know about the
security, top secret business

for the next couple of days?

Yes, I know, the
Kommandant told me.

Good, we wouldn't want anybody

to find out about,
uh, well, you know.

No, I don't know.

The Kommandant won't
tell anyone what it is.

I see.

What's that?

Oh, it's a book that
Kommandant Klink ordered.

Let me see.

Might give us a clue
as to what's going on.

Intuition and ESP In
Psychology by Von Tillermaan.

There is somebody by that name.

Holy Toledo.

What's the matter?

I just found out I got ESP, too.

Find out what was
wrong and fix it?

Uh-huh and uh-uh.

What does that mean?

Well, uh-huh, the
wires are all burned out,

and uh-uh, I can't fix it

unless I can run a
new line to Klink's office.

And we're confined to
quarters, so that's out.

Burkhalter is going
in to see Klink.

If I could only
be in that office.

Or if we could just plant
a walkie-talkie in there.

Good idea.

But we can't leave the barracks,

so how are we going
put the walkie-talkie?

We don't put.

We have somebody put for us.

This is indeed a great honor

to have you here,
General Burkhalter.

Let me remind you, Klink,
this is not a social visit.

It's official business.

Of course, and may I offer you

some official
brandy and a cigar?

Very well.

Have you taken all the
security measures I mentioned?

Every one.

There's nothing to worry about.

I run a tight camp.

Ah, French brandy.

There is nothing like it.

Yes, sir, but it's much
too good for the French.

Well, as I was saying, I
have this certain ability

to anticipate trouble,
a kind of sixth sense.

ESP.

So, there is nothing
to be alarmed about.

I'll be as alarmed as I like.

Yes, sir, whatever
gives you pleasure.

Now, how about
some Polish sausage,

uh, some Norwegian
sardines, some Danish cheese?

Ugh.

I'm sorry. It's a German cigar.

We should have taken Cuba.

How many K's in Klink, sir?

Two. One on each end.

Here comes Schultz.

He's three minutes early.

Hurry it up, huh?

Right, sir.

There we are; it's finished.

All right, good.

Carter, give me a hand
with this thing, huh?

Okay. Let's go, quick.

All right, get that away.

Barracks inspection!

Hey, Carter, smile, will you?

I can't start this thing
every day if you don't...

Your mouth was
together, remember?

Now, smile.

Someone might be
paying for this, I tell you.

You don't want me to do it.

Colonel Hogan, what is this?

I don't know, Schultz.

Never saw it before in my life.

Did you, fellas?

No. Never, sir.

This is Kommandant
Klink's briefcase.

It is?

What's he keeping it here for?

He's not very neat, is he?

Oh, I overlook a lot of things,

but to steal Kommandant
Klink's briefcase!

Oh, I have to report this.

Schultz, couldn't
you just put it back

in Klink's office and forget it?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I have to report this at once.

Schultz, can I tell you a story?

What story? LeBeau.

You had a mother, didn't you?

Ja.

Naturally, you loved her.

I loved my mother, too.

She was a widow and she was left

with eight children
to take care of.

I was the oldest, so
I had to go to work,

and I was only five at the time.

Every morning,
just before sunup,

I'd leave our little
home in Beverly Hills,

and I'd deliver the
morning papers.

Then I'd rush home with
the few pennies I earned,

and put them in
my mother's hand.

Then this skinny
little five-year-old kid

would go on to his next job,

washing dishes in a restaurant.

With the food they gave me,

I took it home to
the other children.

At night, I gave piano lessons
and studied watch repairing.

Then came the
sad news: the baby,

little Herman... unser
Herman... Needed an operation.

We had no money
in the house, no food.

We were behind in the rent.

Stop it.

Sorry, Schultz.

It's all right.

I'm not going to report you.

Thank you, Schultz.

Little Herman.

Did he have the operation?

Yes. Today, Herman
walks as well as anyone.

Where did you get the money?

We took it out of the bank.

I'm glad.

General Burkhalter, I
want to know all of the...

Schultz! Please.

No disturbance.

I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.

We are very busy. Please!

All right, General Burkhalter.

What did you have in mind?

The High Command
of the Luftwaffe

will be here tomorrow
for a demonstration

of the new aircraft.

Aha!

Now, when does this
airplane arrive here...

The new aircraft?

This afternoon.

The designer is
flying it here himself.

If it does all he claims,

it will make a big difference
in the course of the war.

We might even win.

General Burkhalter,

I cannot tell you how
personally proud I am

that you've selected my
camp for this demonstration.

It has nothing to do with you.

Oh.

This camp was picked

because with a
top-secret project like this,

we couldn't use
a regular airfield.

And also, the Luftwaffe High
Command feels much safer here.

They do? Yes.

They know the Allies won't bomb

a prisoner-of-war camp.

Yes?

Very well.

An airplane is
circling for a landing.

That must be Kintzler.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Hey, there is a plane circling.

Looks like any
other plane to me.

Yeah, I don't see
anything different about it.

It's not what you
see, it's what you hear.

But I don't hear anything.

That's just it... you don't.

A silent plane.

Uh-huh.

Wow!

It could give the Allies

a lot of grief.

We have a little bomb
left from the last bridge.

Why don't I put it
under the plane?

Eh, that's no good.

They'd just build another one.

We've got to get
this information

to the Allies in London.

Why don't we swipe the
plane and fly it to London?

Well, they'd have
interceptors up

from every airfield
within five minutes.

Hey, Colonel, what if we...

Wait a minute.

Brilliant idea, sir.

You haven't heard it yet.

I like it, too.

Whenever you smile like that,

you've got something
good cooking.

When do we go?

No rush. We'll
wait till after dark.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Don't make any mistakes

with those
measurements, Newkirk.

Won't do the Air Force

any good if they're
not accurate.

I'm double-checking
everything, sir.

Good.

Here you go.

Well, there's the big
secrets of the silent engine.

What is it?

The gas is vaporized in a
series of baffle chambers.

What does that do?

It's the same as stuffing
your ears with cotton.

I'm surprised you
didn't know that, Carter.

Well, my girlfriend
says she hasn't got

a recent picture of me.

Herr Kintzler, I cannot tell you

how impressed I
am with your plane.

Hah!

I beg your pardon?

I said "hah"!

I'm sure that the Luftwaffe

will be impressed tomorrow.

They won't.

They like noise.

They like noise.

That's funny, very funny.

It's not funny.

I'm going to bed.

I assume you have set up
a strong guard for the plane?

Yes, Herr General.

I've doubled the tower
guards, the searchlights.

You can depend on me.

I've seen to it
personally. Personally.

In that case, I'd
better check it myself.

Oh, I'll go with
you, Herr General.

There is nothing to
worry about, Herr General.

I gave orders to shoot anyone

who comes near the plane.

Shoot first and
ask questions later.

That's what I said.

Shoot anyone?

Anyone!

Don't you think you'd better

recall that order before
we go near that plane?

What?

Yes, sir!

Where does this part go?

Put it anywhere.

You've done jigsaw puzzles.

It doesn't fit.

Yes, it does.

I think you forced it.

It's a German plane.

All it understands is force.

Kinch. Mmm-hmm.

Get those pictures
developed. Get them out

through the
underground connections

with Newkirk's notes. Right.

Look, the rest of you,
let's get this engine

back in the plane
before they find it's gone.

Right, Colonel.

We wouldn't want them to think

we're ordinary crooks, huh?

Everything seems to
be in order, Herr General.

Let me make up
my own mind, Klink.

Yes, sir. Of course,
I'm a man who takes

his responsibilities
very seriously,

and when this
plane is in my camp,

it becomes my responsibility.

You are so right.

Now, when you
ask me for security,

that's what you'll
get... Airtight security.

What did you say, Klink?

Me, me, me, say?

Nothing, what, what would I say?

Klink!

Pull yourself together,
you're falling apart.

Yes, sir. I will do
that right away.

Yes, sir!

Wish I could help you, Colonel.

Hogan, airplane
engines don't have

a habit of walking
away by themselves.

Well, sometimes they fly away.

When did the, uh,
engine disappear?

Now, you know very
well when. Today.

Well, then I have
a perfect alibi.

We were confined to barracks.

You gave the order yourself.

That's true.

Mm-hmm.

The guards would
have seen you come out.

Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel Hogan.

Ah! General Burkhalter!

It's he. He's testing me.

The old ESP is working
for you again, sir.

Of course!

He wants to know
how resourceful I am.

Ah, ha-ha.

All you have to do is figure out

where he hid it, go get
it, and you will be a hero.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I see it in the bushes...

In the bushes.

Hidden under a tarpaulin.

Under a tarpaulin.

What color is the tarpaulin?

Black. Black, black.

Uh, what about white?

White? White. White.

It's there.

It's there.

I know the spot.
You know the spot.

Oh, Hogan, I've
found the engine!

I know exactly where it is.

The engine, the engine is...

The engine is right here!

Oh, that's too bad.

Look, let's
reconstruct the crime.

Now, where exactly was
the engine when it got mislaid.

Where was it?!

Where any engine

is supposed to be!

Right here

in the plane, that's where.

Be kinda crowded
in there if we put

another engine in, wouldn't it?

Colonel Hogan, what
are you doing here?

I gave strict orders

you were to be
confined to the barracks.

After years of experimenting,

I have finally developed an
absolutely noiseless engine.

What this will mean
for the Luftwaffe

you can easily imagine.

It's really quite
remarkable, isn't it?

Now, for the first time in
history, a noiseless engine.

This engine will put us
years ahead of the Allies.

I call that a noiseless engine.

Maybe he's using cheap gas.

By George, I don't
think he's got it.

So you call yourself
soldiers, eh?

No, sir, we're prisoners of war.

What's up, Colonel?

I called this
formation to tell you

that your confinement is over.

We're back on regular schedule.

Good.

Say, I heard that
noiseless motor.

I guess it's not really
noiseless, if you can hear it.

It was a failure from the
start, just as I predicted.

I had a sixth sense about it.

Is that right?

My father had it, too.

You know this Von Tillermaan

has a very interesting
theory about ESP

being very strong
in certain families.

Is that Von Tillermaan's book?

That's right. Yeah, it must

be a collector's item.

A collector's item?

I imagine it's worth a
lot of money right now.

It's probably the
only copy left.

Oh, it must be very valuable.

I wonder what
makes it so scarce.

Well, the Nazis are burning

all of Von Tillermaan's
books in Berlin.

Dismissed!