High Maintenance (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

So, how are we today?

- Good?
- I'm all right, yeah.

You like some water?
Yeah, sure, that'd be nice.

Can we get Guy water?

So, what can we do for you today,
Mr. Man?

You know, the usual?

You don't seem so sure.

Yeah, I do. I'm sure.

Here you go.

- What are you doing here?
- I work here.

Oh, hell yeah!


[clippers buzzing]

[funky music playing]


[humming along]

Okay. I think it's time we scrap it,
boss man.

Wait, why can't I move my hands?

[echoing] Just relax, please.

Wait a second,
you don't need to use those.

[distorted] Don't use those.
I don't need that.

All right.
[buzzing stops]

[gasps] [laughs]

[laughing continues] [screams]

[scream echoes]

[machinery beeping outside]

Oh, weird.

That was so weird.

[Beth moans]

Weird dream.

[Beth groans]

- Dude, it was like...
- No, no, no, no.

I like you, but...

your worst quality
is your dream sharing.

What? Are you fucking kidding me?

Your ayahuasca trip sharing

is something I'd like
to nominate as much worse.

Oh, look! The envelope
just came in.

Oh! And the award

for the worst quality goes to you,

for your fucking night farting.

[groans] Oh my God.

You heard that, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I heard it.

It was super fucking loud.

I was asleep and you woke me

when your asshole was
just coughing up a lung.

I think this was like,
uh, last year's Oscars

and there must've been a mixup.

- You must've...
- I'll be Faye Dunaway.

It must've been...

- Oh, I'm the Warren Beatty.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd like to accept this award
on behalf of all the children

who never had a chance to night fart.

I mean, also I'd like
to thank my colon

- who's always been behind me.
- Oh, shit.

- Something bad happened.
- What?

Fuck. No.

[phone pings, vibrates]

[phone pinging, vibrating]

I think I'm gonna go to work early.

Yeah, that makes sense.

[phone continues pinging] Jesus.


[distant siren wailing]

[cumbia pop song playing]

♪ Money, money, money,
money, money... Yeah! ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money,
money... Yeah! ♪

♪ Hey! Don't call me, boy boy! ♪

[song continuing in Spanish]

[phone rings]

[song continuing in Spanish]


♪ ♪


[song continuing in Spanish]

♪ Money, money, money,
it's all you ever think about! ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ Money, money, money,
it's all you ever think about! ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money,
money... Yeah! ♪

♪ Money, money, money,
money, money... Yeah! ♪

♪ Money, money, money, money,
money... Yeah! ♪

[doorbell buzzes]

Oh, thank God you're working,

'cause I woke up
to an email that was like,

"Hey, Brian, we really
need you to come in today."

And I was like,
"Did you read the fucking news?"

It's like a phantasmagoria
of despair out there.

Let me get my wallet.

Yeah, it's fucking terrible, man.

You know my roommate.

- Hey, man.
- Hey, man.

Oh, holy shit.

I didn't even recognize you, man.

Yeah, I, uh, I lost some weight.

Yeah, it's great.
How'd you do that?

Exercise, and I, like, changed
my whole relationship with food.

I've been spinning,
running, weight lifting.

Okay. I've been eating a lot of salads.

Which sucks, but you know,

at least I won't be
the fat guy anymore.

I'm terrified to even go outside now.

Is that crazy?

No, it's not so bad
out there, though, man.

I mean, everyone's being
really nice to each other.

It's kind of like post-9/11,

"We're all in this together" vibe.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

It's pretty cool.
It's peaceful.

Okay, well, I'm not able to be

"in this together" with anyone
until I calm the fuck down.

Okay. I got you. What do you have
that's good for turning my brain off?

All right, man, I have to go.
It was great seeing you.

See ya, man. Good job.

Uh, God's Gift.
That'll put you right down.

And, uh, Northern Lights.
That'll do it too.

All right. Hey, Cody,
you want in on this?

No, thanks, man, I'm cool.
That shit just makes me hungry.

♪ ♪



♪ ♪


♪ ♪

Churros? Churros!

One dollar.




[chuckles] Fucking monster.

Can you believe this?

No. I can't. It's crazy.


[door opens, closes]

Class is about to start.
I can't. I'm sorry.

Can't even can't without can, honey!

Hey, y'all!

How are you? It's a great day!

I'm Charles!
[Loud booming bass music playing]

You've already done
the hardest part: Getting here.

The rest is just pumping to the beat!

All right, everyone,
I hope you're clipped in!

Starting, booties in our seats!

Hands, position one!

Who's feeling themselves today?

I know I am!

Think of me as your therapist.

You are going to work out
those issues in here today!

Push! Push!
Tell your body what it needs.

Give it to it!
Give it to it!

If you aren't hitting your target
RPM's, you're not doing it right.

And what's the point of being here
if you're not gonna do it right?

Am I right, ladies, or am I right?

I'm always right.
Come on, come on!


Hit it hard! Go in!

In! In!

I know, but I mean,

I gotta think at some point,

there's gonna be some violence.

Well, all this going to the gym

will have been for something then.

Yeah, you're right.
Yo, but for real,

after today,

I think I finally understand
the struggle, man.

- Struggle?
- Yeah.

What you talking 'bout Lewis?

- It's "Willis" dude.
- Oh, right.

[camera clicks]
Different Strokes, right?

Yeah, Different Strokes.

I like that show.

Yeah, it's pretty good.

You watch black shows?


No, it doesn't matter what you say,
nothing's going to change.

You understand me?

Look at this!

Look at this bullshit!

[horns honk]


♪ ♪

You know what I'm saying?
This will not stand, man!

You understand me? Like,
you think I'm scared of going to jail?

Yo, I'm more scared of...
[continues indistinctly]


[distant sirens wailing]


♪ ♪

I'll put this right here.
Anything else?

No. This is great, thanks.

You're lucky though, I mean...

you've got a British passport.

Yeah, but Brexit.

What's happening here,
like, where... where is safe?

Where in the world is safe
and sane anymore?

I don't even know.
I really don't even know.

Ooh! Mussels!
I love mussels.

Can I have some?

- Um...
- Um...

Sure, yeah, let me just...

Okay, no, we'll put...
Um, oh!

Been a while.
Excuse me! Sir.

You... you absolutely
can't do that.

Excuse me. I am so sorry.
Let me get you...

They said I could have some!

We did say he could have some.

It's crazy, okay?

Excuse me. Everything's
upside down now.

It is. I mean, the market's
so much more volatile.

It is and that's why,
if you have like 5...

[speaking German]




Saying she's too devastated
to see patients today.

- Excuse me, miss.
- That's fucked. She's a therapist.

Guys, excuse me,
are you done with this?

Yeah. I didn't know
they were truffle fries.

So, yeah.

If you're not available when
shit's bad, how the fuck...


[both speaking Spanish]



[chef speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

Hey, pick up!


[speaks Spanish]


[elevator dings]

I'll bring your towels now.

Oh, okay.

Okay, let me do the one next
door and then I come back.

Be right there!

- Cool, thanks a lot, man.
- There you go.



- Housekeeping!
- Oh, shit!

Do you think we're getting busted?

I don't know, maybe.

Uh, yeah?

Who is it?

Oh no, we're good, thanks.


Dude, my phone is dead.
Do you have a charger?

I don't. Mine is dead, too.

But we do have that nice 2012 charger

if you've got, like,
an i4 on you or anything.

- Totally not helpful.
- No?

Completely not helpful.

So, uh, last night
was pretty fun, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, that was hot.

I mean, I'm sure I'm not the first

woman at a party that you've
spilled wine on. [Laughs]

You know, you could've
just asked for my number.

- You didn't have to ruin my jacket.
- I promise I really haven't.

I feel really bad about that.

I will get that cleaned for you.
I have never...

I have never done that before.

Well, I promise I have
never done this before.


You did, um...

You did seem to really
enjoy all the, uh...

the stimulation.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, and there was plenty
of stimulation.

You know, I think I could go

for a couple more hours
of stimulation.

[both laugh]

- Yeah?
- Mmhmm.

I bet we could make that happen.

[toilet flushes] Yo, Justin.

What time they say
we have to be back tonight?

Client said we had
to be back by 9:00,

but I gotta get back
to our apartment, man.

Fuckin' Fernando yelled at me
last night for a dirty shirt.

Dude, fuck that.
We're not going home.

I'll just iron your shirt
here for you.

Wait a... wait a second.

So you live together
and you work together?

Well, you're a regular Bert and Ernie.

[Monica, Chris laughing]

Yeah, yeah, except
I never saw Bert and Ernie

do an Eiffel Tower with Maria.

[laughs] Yeah, bro.

♪ ♪

[passionate moaning]

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

[passionate moaning] Oh, yeah, fuck.

How you doin' over there?

Fucking amazing.

Yo, get in on these feet, bro.

[laughs] You don't
have to tell me twice.


♪ Even though I love the cemetery ♪

♪ No regrets and lies ♪

♪ I got no control ♪

♪ So I wanna roll ♪

[laughs] Now, that is food porn.

[both laugh]

Oh, don't feel left out.

There you go.

♪ ♪

I was wondering if you, by any chance,

had any iPhone chargers?

Oh! Awesome. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Bye.

They're sending it up.

Problem solved.
It's happening.

[Monica moaning loudly]

Oh my God. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

♪ ♪


It's all right.

- Thanks a lot, man.
- No problem.

Have a blessed day, my brother.

You too, man.

[phone chimes]


♪ ♪

[knocking at door]

[rhythmic knocking] Oh, fuck.

The weed guy.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

How you doing?
Good. How you doing?

You know, I'm okay.

- Oh, sorry.
- What's up, dude?

Hey. What's going on?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, this was on the door.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Oh, sweet, phone chargers.


So obviously, it's a pretty
fucking crazy time,

so I don't have everything.

Wednesdays big days for you?

No. It's just been crazy.

So all I got left are Green Crack.

I got Chem Dog.

I got Sour D.


I'm gonna go with the Green Crack.

All right.

Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Looks like you guys
made the best of a shitty day.

[phone dings] Uh, yeah, we, uh...

kind of had ourselves
a little party, I guess.

It just kind of happened.
[Justin chuckles]

Yeah, man, I get it.

It's like,
you only live once. YOLO.

Oh fuck, I don't have papers.
[phone dings]

I got you, man.
Oh, you're the man.

Chris, charger.

Thank you. Dude, what
the fuck is going on?

I've got like 22 text messages.
[phone dinging]

Oh. You guys don't know.

No. What's going on?

- What the fuck?!
- Yeah.

Oh, fuck.


I know, Mom.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Thanks, bro.

[TV plays indistinctly]

Yeah, I talked to Jenny.
We're still gonna come up

this weekend just like we planned.

Yeah. No, I don't
have train tickets yet.

I mean, if only lighting a candle
could fucking change anything.


I know this for a fact.

I am not going to forget
tonight any time soon.

Yeah, it's, uh, definitely the
weirdest ending to a threesome ever.

- Right?
- Yeah.


It'll be fine. I'll get
tickets in the morning.

Yes, the... The trains
will still be running.

Because I know, Mom.

They're not gonna
stop running the train.

I mean, there are just some fucking
evil human beings in the world, right?

I mean, how else do you
explain something like this?

Fucking horrible, man.

I love you, too.

Yeah, here's Justin.

- Mom wants to talk to you.
- Oh, fuck.

- Hey, Mom!
- Thank you.

No, no, no, we're fine, we're fine.

Calm down.
No, we're with this nice lady.

We... we met her at work.

- She's taking care of us.
- Oh, shit.

Will you hold that?
Thank you.

God. Our mom talks a lot,
I'm sorry.

[lighter clicks]

Oh, fuck.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

Worst birthday ever.

This is fucking depressing.
I'm leaving.

- Sorry.
- Here's what's gonna happen.

The middle class and the poor,
they're fucked.

Fuck 'em.

Super rich, the Warren Buffet rich,

they're jumping out with Elon Musk,

drinking kids' blood smoothies,

becoming immortal,
living on Mars with Peter Thiel.

You are being so dramatic.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah!

Were the people
who left Germany being dramatic

when the Nazis came to power?

Oh, I know you did not just compare
our relationship to Nazi Germany.

- No, that's not what I'm saying.
- Ah, cheers.

[woman arguing indistinctly]

- Mm. Thanks, Ma.
- I don't think it's gonna be that bad.

You know what I mean? 'Cause it's
gonna push creativity so far,

comedy's gonna be great
for the next few years.

TV shows are gonna
have so much to write about.

- I'm out.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.

- You can't leave.
- No.

I... Neil kept me
four extra hours today.

- I have to go.
- Yeah, all right.

You do a shot with me
and I'll let you leave.

What are we "cheersing" to, stud?

Uh, I got it.

The future is female.

That's not actually a joke.

That's so fucking phony
and manipulative of you to say.

All right, I'm gonna take it 'cause
you are super hot and I want this.

[sighs] All right, cunts.

Who's next?

Oh, man.

Hey, creepy eyes.

Oh, the better to creep on you with.

[grunts] I saw you checking
yourself out there.

I know. Should I
shave this beard?

No, don't shave it.

Just encourage a little growth up
here, and then it'll all be even.

Oh, man. Are you okay? [Clattering]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

- Do you want something to drink?
- I'd love a beer.

Uh, we don't do beers anymore.

I invented this thing

where you just drink pure
alcohol out of a tiny glass.

- Ah, shots.
- I hate shots.

I know. Don't puss out on me, man.

It is end times.

Well, to end times then.

To end times.
[glasses clink]

Oh God, that's so gross.
Can I have a beer, please?

- This is fucking...
- Shh! Please!

- Looks like, Wolf Blitzer...
- Oh my God! Would you please, please!

I'm sorry.

Oh my fucking God.

Hey guys, I'm leaving.

Where's home, Luiz?
You live in Brooklyn?

Yes. East New York.

East New York.
What train is that?

Oh, it's fucking far from here.

Yeah, it's pretty late, too.

Speaking of which, are you almost done?
Let's get out of here.

Fucking turn into a pumpkin...
[shouts in Spanish]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[Luiz snickers]

Dude, we made some very fat
stacks tonight, brother.

Yeah, I made a shitload
of money today, too.

People were acting
like they were stocking up

for the apocalypse or some shit.

I mean, it fucking feels
like the apocalypse.

Is it bad that I don't
feel bad about it?

Because I think I just
made my rent in one shift.

Luiz, thank you so much for your
hard work, my fellow immigrant.

It is proof again that our labor

is the backbone of this great country.

You don't have to look
at me when you say that.

- I was looking at the flag behind you.
- Oh, I see.

Yeah, thank you.

Hey, you wanna smoke a joint with us?

No, it's okay.
I gotta go home.

Oh, no, no, no. We've gotta
stick together, us immigrants.

- No.
- We do!

'Cause this shit is fucked up.
We need to chill out.

I don't know if you
need a joint right now.

You're kind of...

Excuse me, straight,
white, cisgendered man.

I do fucking want that.

Could you roll me
a fucking spliff, please?

I do need it. I'm panicked.

He's panicked, and his panic
is that he's Hispanic.


Okay, and then she said a weird thing.

Everybody, she said a weird thing.

- All right.
- Oh my God!

- Good night, Luiz.
- Thank you, buddy. Take care.

Did I... did I offend you?

No, not at all.
Good night, sweetie.

♪ ♪

[train rattling]

[brakes squeak]

♪ ♪

[door chimes]

[door buzzes]


Hey. How are you?

[speaking Spanish quietly]

Shh, shh, shh.
It's okay, it's okay.

[conversing in Spanish]

[boy and Luiz laughing]

[Luiz speaking in Spanish]

[speaking in Spanish]

[Luiz speaking Spanish]
[Luca giggling]

[both giggling]

[Luiz and Luca conversing in Spanish]

- That's for you.
- Yay!

Take it.

This for me?
[Luiz speaks Spanish]

[Luiz laughs]

It's right here.
[speaks Spanish]


[speaks Spanish] Thank you.

Thank... thank you.

[speaks Spanish]

Oh! [Laughs]

Sorry for that.


[both laughing] [speaks Spanish]

Bye, globo.

[Luiz speaks Spanish] Bye.


[Luiz speaking Spanish]
[Luca giggling]

[speaks Spanish]

[giggles] I got it.

[man laughing]

[speaks Spanish]

[Luiz and Luca converse in Spanish]


♪ ♪



- Whoa!
- Good job.


♪ When I was just a kid ♪

♪ They said, "Kid, don't you cry" ♪

♪ I am older now ♪

♪ I say ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ Every tear rollin' down is a ♪

♪ Lesson learned ♪

♪ Are you too old to turn ♪

♪ Are you too young to burn ♪

♪ Too young ♪

♪ Too young to burn ♪

♪ Too young, too young ♪

♪ Too young to burn ♪

♪ Too young, too young ♪


♪ Too young to burn ♪

♪ Too young, too young ♪

♪ Too young to burn ♪

♪ Too young, too young ♪