High Maintenance (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Derech - full transcript
[HBO] HD. 'Derech.' (Season Two) A Hasidic man explores the world outside his sect; a club performer has a wild night out.
- (CRUNCHING)
- (SILVERWARE CLINKS)
(ACTION MOVIE PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
MAN (IN MOVIE): Hunting
season... is over.
(GRENADE CLICKS)
(GRENADE EXPLODES)
(TURNS OFF DEVICE)
(CARS HONKING OUTSIDE)
(MAN SPEAKING YIDDISH)
All right.
(SPEAKS YIDDISH)
Okay?
(LAUGHS)
(URINE SPLASHING)
- Yeah.
- Bullshit.
Way, way out of my league.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Okay? Trust me.
(BAG ZIPS)
(SPEAKS YIDDISH)
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)
(SIGHS)
- WOMAN (ON COMPUTER): Oh! Yeah.
- MAN (ON COMPUTER): Yeah.
- (BOTH MOANING)
- WOMAN: Harder.
(SNAKE HISSING ON COMPUTER)
(WOMAN GASPS)
(PHONE CHIMES)
(GRUNTS)
(SIREN BLARES)
Yes!
- ♪
♪
- (BUZZING)
♪ ♪
♪ With his face along mine ♪
♪ I need you to be strong ♪
♪ Strong ♪
- (CAR APPROACHES)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh, fuck a duck.
- MAN: She started screaming at me because I...
I got a shared ride? God damn it.
- MAN: ... stop being a whore?
- (SIGHS)
And she's screaming at me
because I left a cup in my room?
That's crazy. I swear to God.
- Hi.
- Who was there?
- I was there. Exactly.
- Sorry, I didn't realize it was...
I swear to God, I'm getting
crazy. I'm turning into...
Damn. You gonna tell me you
couldn't put that in the trunk?
- Like, este tipo...
- Sorry.
... they swear to God that
they own the entire fucking car.
I swear to God.
I'm really feeling some
type of way about this.
And no, you can't bring her either,
because she wasn't
appreciative of the fact
that I was telling her that
her titty was out that day.
She was walking around
with her head up her ass,
and she's unappreciative
of my friendship.
And if you aren't
appreciative of my friendship,
then you can't fuck
with me. Simple as that.
Simple as that. Honestly.
(SNEEZES)
Ah!
Well, bless me, I guess. Damn!
Nah, because este tipo, I swear to God!
(CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
♪ ♪
♪ Every single thing ♪
♪ That I shouldn't do... ♪
- Yo.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Thanks.
- How's it going?
- Uh, fine. You?
Really good, actually. I just
started writing for Vice.
Oh, mazel tov.
- That's great.
- It's so funny you say that.
I'm, like, literally writing a
story about ultra-Orthodox Jews
- who have defected from their community.
- Cool.
Do they know you're
doing a story about 'em?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Just joking.
- Ha.
- So, I don't have any more pens left,
- but I have all of the other stuff.
- All right.
Cool.
I actually went to this thing
last night called a Chulent.
It's like this weekly
meeting for ex-Hasids
who have, like, defected from
the community. Super fascinating.
Let me just grab that. I'm just gonna...
- Yeah. Sorry.
- It's okay.
Yeah, they're like on the
fringes of the fringes of society.
Like, their families have
completely severed ties with them,
they have no secular education, and
barely speak English when they leave.
It's super sad.
Yeah, that's rough. You
gonna take those two?
- Yup, these two.
- All right, that's $100 coming my way.
Let me just get my wallet.
MAN (SHOUTS): Hey, Sarah! Sarah!
(LAUGHS)
(CLATTERS)
What?
No.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (DOOR OPENS)
- ALL: Hi!
Oh! Oh!
Shabbos!
I like that dude with that shirt.
- Hey. Stop it.
- What's up, Baruch?
(EXCITED CHATTERING)
Shabbos! Shabbos!
What's up?
(LIVELY CHATTERING)
(WOMAN SINGING IN YIDDISH)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Hi.
- Hey. Hey.
- Come in, come in.
- Yeah.
Hi, guys. We have... Anja.
- Hey.
- Anja, this is everyone.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll just... sit...
I'll get you a chair.
I'll get you a chair.
- Yeah, everybody.
- Hi.
Hey. Anja.
- Hi.
- Good Shabbos.
I don't touch women. I'm kidding.
- Oh. Okay. (LAUGHS)
- Shabbos.
(SINGING IN YIDDISH)
Woo!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I think we got a little carried away.
- Abdullah?
- Yeah, that's me, man. Hop in.
How's it going, man?
I got gum, mints, Snickers,
Milky Ways if you don't do peanuts,
waters and Capri Suns. Help yourself.
Wow, man. You're giving a little extra.
Hey, man. Anything worth doing
is worth doing well, right?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Oh, hey, man, what's up?
- ABDULLAH: Oh shit. It's you.
- Whoa!
- Oh my God. I thought I recognized your voice.
I didn't even notice on the app.
Your, uh... you cut your hair, man.
Yeah, man. I cut my hair,
cleaned up a little bit,
got this button-down
shirt, got this car,
MP3 player, got this
air-freshener thingy.
It's a whole new me, man. How about you?
I'm okay. Someone locked
their bike to mine,
- so I can't get my bike.
- Ah.
I should be taking
the subway or walking,
but I thought I'd
treat myself this time.
Yeah, man. You gotta
treat yourself, dude.
- The world is crazy.
- Yeah, it really is.
Really fucking nuts.
You know, some dude I
just picked up from JFK,
he sincerely just asked me if
ISIS had tried to recruit me.
- Ooh! Are you serious?
- Do you believe that?
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- What he doesn't know
is that ISIS would be lucky to have you.
You're the guy who's looking
out for the nut allergy.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, man.
One of those crazy fucks is bound
to have a nut allergy, right?
Most definitely.
(LAUGHS)
Oh shit.
- You wanna get down on this, man?
- Yeah.
(SINGING IN YIDDISH)
(PHONE CLICKS)
No, don't take any photos.
Don't take any photos.
- No?
- You can't take photos. No.
Okay. Why? I thought...
I thought all these
people had already left.
No. No, no, no. A lot of
these people are still in.
One of the lesbians over
there, she's still married.
- ANJA: Okay.
- BARUCH: If her husband finds out,
you know, she'll be in a lot of trouble.
Gotcha. Yeah.
What's the deal with the
guy in the corner? Is he...
- BARUCH: That guy?
- ANJA: Yeah.
BARUCH: Yeah, he's got nine kids.
After having Shabbos dinner
with his wife and family,
he comes here to hang
out with... with friends.
Okay.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Uh, can I ask you a question?
Is it true what they say
about the hole in the sheet?
- No. No. No.
- (LAUGHS) No. Okay.
Hey, uh, would you... would you
mind taking a selfie with me?
- A selfie?
- Yeah, just the two of us.
- Yeah, sure, a selfie.
- Yeah.
Ready?
- (CLICKS)
- Thank you.
- Let's see, let's see.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- Here. (LAUGHS)
- Oh, that's nice.
(SPEAKS YIDDISH) Put the phone away.
- I know. I know. (SPEAKS YIDDISH)
- It was just the two of us.
My all due respect...
(ARGUING IN YIDDISH)
I apologize. We start over again.
- Okay.
- Hi, my name's Schmuel. How are you?
- Good.
- So I heard you're a writer?
Yeah, yeah. No, I write... I
write... I write for Vice.
Vice, Vice. You know Meshulam
Weiss? I went to yeshiva with him.
(LAUGHTER) You don't know?
No. So yeah, I'm sorry, I just...
this is an emotional thing for me.
So, just between me and
you and nobody else, listen,
how much you getting paid for this?
- (SHOUTING IN YIDDISH)
- Oh, it's...
I'm just a staff writer.
Like, I make a... I make a standard...
Staff, schmaff. But what are
you making? What are you making?
- I... I make a standard salary. It's really...
- (DODI SPEAKS YIDDISH)
(SHOUTING IN YIDDISH)
Oh, goody.
All right, go fuck yourselves.
L'chaim! L'chaim!
(CHATTING IN YIDDISH)
- You want something else to drink?
- No. You know what? I'm good. Thank you.
I actually... I brought some weed.
I don't know if you guys smoke weed.
Do we smoke weed? Well, it depends.
Is it kosher?
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Is it kosher?
I like this one already.
Let's start over. Let's start over.
(LIVELY CHATTERING)
♪ ♪
MAN: I feel like...
like a rusty basketball.
(LAUGHTER)
My God. Who the fuck made all of this?
- Me.
- You?
- Yeah.
- You, sir, are a national treasure.
Well, thank you. So are you.
Thank you so much. This is like...
- like a weird room in Nic Cage's house.
- (LAUGHTER)
Like, I'm sure Nic Cage has the
exact room in his castle somewhere.
That one definitely does look like a
Nicolas Cage costume waiting to happen.
- GUY: Yeah.
- I'm a Nicolas Cage aficionado.
I've seen almost every Nicolas
Cage film of the last 25 years.
- Bad Lieutenant.
- TYRELL: Yeah.
- I love Bad Lieutenant.
- Leaving Las Vegas.
- Hello.
- I didn't see Leaving Las Vegas.
- What?
- I never saw it.
You never saw Leaving Las Vegas?
So, Nicolas Cage, alcoholic,
down and out in Vegas,
like, falling into swimming pools.
- Yeah.
- He's a mess.
Elisabeth Shue is trying to save him.
It's the best thing she's ever done.
TYRELL: It's not her best work.
It's her best work ever.
- What about Karate Kid?
- Adventures in Babysitting.
- Adventures in Babysitting.
- Yes!
I wonder what... ?
You know what? I'm gonna find out.
What are you up to, Elisabeth Shue?
- ♪ What are you up to ♪
- PHONE: Here's what I found...
- ♪ Elisabeth Shue? ♪
- on the web for...
- (PHONE BEEPS)
- ♪ What are you up to ♪
- ♪ Elisabeth Shue? ♪
- (LAUGHS)
♪ What are you up to, Elisabeth Shue? ♪
♪ What are you up to, Elisabeth Shue? ♪
- (FUNK MUSIC PLAYS)
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- Hey.
- What's up, man?
- How was that?
- Pretty good, man. Pretty good.
I think we're really
getting our system down.
Yeah, our very own System of a Down.
Okay, hey, sorry, I didn't
request a ride share.
Oh. Nah, it's all good, man.
- This is just my homie.
- Hey. What's up?
Okay, this is fucked up.
Yo! "Fucked up"?
Dude, chill out, man. Grab
another Capri Sun, huh?
Yeah, they're delicious.
Uh, how strong was
that gummy you gave me?
I don't know. Like, 40
milligrams, maybe 50.
Ooh. I'm feeling it.
The dudes that I get
those from have all kinds
of banging edibles and like a whole
bunch of different concentrates.
I could probably get you a good
price on some of that stuff, too, man.
You know what? I'm gonna call corporate.
This is, like, totally unprofessional.
Dude, after taking a second Capri Sun?
- That's cold, man.
- MAN: Well, I'm sorry about the Capri Sun,
- but I signed up for a individual ride.
- No, my dude.
No. I'm sorry about the Capri Sun.
Yeah, we're all sorry
about the Capri Sun.
- Yeah, man.
- This is bullshit.
I'm just saying if you don't
give a shit about America,
then don't fucking vote.
That's all I'm saying.
DODI: Okay, I understand
what you're saying, okay?
He's a real estate guy,
he understands business,
and he's gonna make sure that real
estate people like me are happy, okay?
Yeah. No, I... you're totally right.
Like, I... I guess like racist,
sexist, pussy-grabbing assholes
- just gotta stick together.
- (SIGHS)
(SCHMUEL SPEAKS YIDDISH)
Oh, shut up, Schmuel. You're a chazzer.
- (MUTTERS)
- All right, let's change the subject, okay?
SCHMUEL: Besides... besides,
how can we be racist?
Jews and blacks, we both
suffer. We're the same thing,
around here in Brooklyn, especially.
What? I'm sorry. Yeah.
Black people in Crown Heights,
they don't have a police
and ambulance force.
- MAN: So what?
- So maybe not the same.
- Not the same.
- (SPEAKS YIDDISH)
ANJA: Yeah.
Not the same thing.
ANJA: I understood that part.
No, no, I'm telling him
how your liberal perspective
- will add so much to the conversation.
- Yeah.
You, my friend, are gonna have a
great career ahead of on Gawker.
- Good luck.
- Uh, Gawker doesn't exist anymore, dude.
- (SCHMUEL MUTTERING)
- Good night!
(MEN SPEAKING YIDDISH)
All right.
Hey, you wanna get outta here?
Yeah.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Sure.
- (LAUGHS)
(DANCE FUNK SONG PLAYING)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hey! Hey! Oh! Yeah.
- Wanna smoke?
- No.
- No?
- No, no, no.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
- I'm gonna run outside.
- Okay.
You can find me outside.
- Huh? Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
(MUSIC FADES)
THE GUY: Yeah, man, that was pretty fun.
- Thank you so much.
- Thanks, dude.
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Nice.
I especially like how the customers
kinda just like come in and out
- of the back seat, you know?
- Yeah.
It's like that Seinfeld
where Kramer gets
the game show set in his living room.
- The Merv Griffin Show.
- The Merv Griffin Show.
- Yes! Yes, dude.
- He finds it in the trash can.
Yeah, and he sets it
up in his apartment.
- And he got that suit.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah, exactly.
- That is a deep cut, man.
- Yeah.
It was... it was pretty fun, man.
I'm really fucking stoned.
I think I'm too stoned, actually.
Yeah, that tends to happen
when you hang out with me.
- But it's fun.
- Well, I'm saying, dude,
I'm just driving around
all night anyways,
so if you ever need any help,
- just holla.
- I will. You know what sounds so good right now
- is challah French toast.
- Oh my God.
- I am so hungry. Holy shit.
- Oh man.
Yeah. You should get something.
I can't eat French toast
while driving though.
- You should take a break.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Take it easy, dude.
- Later, man.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
Oh.
It's okay. Hakuna matata, baby.
- (BRAKES SQUEAK) (CAR HONKS)
- Oof!
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Shit.
♪ ♪
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(FLUSHES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(RUSTLING)
(WHISTLES)
(WHIRRING)
(LIVELY CHATTERING)
Oh, hey. I... I got you a drink.
Thanks.
♪ ♪
You dance like a wild man.
Is that bad?
(CHUCKLES) No. Not bad.
You seem free.
Thank you.
- So, where are you from?
- Moscow.
- You?
- Not far from here.
South Williamsburg.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.
Oh, I was wondering what this was.
- How do they keep it so curly?
- Twist it around your finger.
Sometimes I use hair gel.
I thought they used a curling iron.
No.
So, uh...
you're very elegant.
Elegant?
Yeah, you're wearing... all black.
Yeah. It's New York.
Everyone wears black.
What did you wear when
you were in Moscow?
(LAUGHS)
Black.
Yeah, I wear a lot of black too.
Black's the fucking best. (LAUGHS)
(MAN SHOUTS) Last call!
- Uh, what's your name?
- Marina.
Marina, I'm Baruch. Well,
people call me Baruch.
BaRuk, Baruch. (CHUCKLES)
- Baruch.
- Yeah.
- Are you hungry?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Oh!
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Oh! Feels so good to be free!
Oh. It's so gross in there.
Okay, okay, what are
we gonna do for afters?
- Oh! I'm totally DTF for afters.
- Yes! Okay.
Members Only. Let's go. What time is it?
- No. What?
- Girl!
Members Only has been closed
forever. What are you talking about?
Does anyone have contact solution?
- TERRENCE: I'll get an Uber.
- (TERRENCE AND TYRELL LAUGH)
I'm not Mary Poppins, girl.
What are you talking about?
Well, you got that big-ass bag, bitch.
TYRELL: Okay, hold on, hold
on. We have to go somewhere.
We have to go somewhere
good, 'cause I took a pill
- and I don't want to go to bed.
- Okay. Let me get a car.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
All right, I'm not chasing any dragons.
- Fine. Mwah. Gorgeous.
- Mwah.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, my eyes are literally dissolving.
- Bye.
- See you later.
Be safe. Don't get attacked.
- Baby. Baby.
- TERRENCE: Oh, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
There you go.
- Couldn't wait, huh?
- Mmm.
Who can resist a tuna bagel?
MARINA: I probably could.
Hey, do you have contact solution?
- MAN: Yes, I'll be right there.
- Okay.
(MUMBLING): Marina, the best
fucking tuna bagel... (CHOKING)
(COUGHING)
Hey. Are you okay? Baruch?
- Oh.
- (CHOKING)
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) Baruch!
Help!
Help! He's choking!
MAN: You call the ambulance?
- What happened?
- He was choking...
- I'm a doctor.
- ... and he hit his head.
Hey, buddy. Can you hear me?
- What's his name?
- Baruch.
Baruch, can you hear me?
- MAN: He almost dead.
- MAN 2: Hold on, hold on.
His airway's blocked. Shit.
Get me a knife and a straw,
rubbing alcohol, first aid kit,
whatever you have back there.
MAN 2: Did he just ask for a knife?
- Like this?
- Smaller knife.
Whatever you have back there.
Here.
- Better yet, give me that pen.
- MAN: Yo. No shit.
He says he's a doctor. I don't know.
- (CLATTERS)
- MAN 2: About 25.
White. Yeah.
Hold this.
(GASPS) Oh my God.
MAN 2: Oh shit.
(GASPS)
Ah. (MUMBLES)
(WHIMPERS)
Oh fuck.
- (MARINA SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
- MAN: Oh shit, man. Ooh!
- MAN 3: God.
- (GAGS)
Pen.
Oh damn. Oh God.
(PEOPLE GAG)
MAN 2: Yo.
- (AIR HISSING)
- He's breathing.
- Whoa.
- MAN 2: That's crazy.
He's breathing. He's gonna be fine.
Phew.
(SIREN APPROACHING)
(GURGLING, BREATHING)
Can I have that contact solution?
♪ My ♪
♪ Shabop Shalom Baby ♪
♪ Won't you Shabop Shalom with me ♪
♪ Under the old banana tree? ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh, my ♪
♪ Sweet Tel-Avivian lamb's bread ♪
♪ My heart will act as an emollient ♪
♪ And you'll never, ever say ♪
- ♪ "Get Bent!" ♪
- ♪ No, no, no ♪
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Oh, when ♪
♪ I'm ever in a foul mood ♪
♪ I gotta see you in your Talmud ♪
♪ And so happy it makes me ♪
♪ You wanna know who ♪
♪ Who wrote the Book of Job? ♪
♪ She wants to know, "Who ♪
♪ Who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls?" ♪
♪ I did, I did, mm-hmm ♪
♪ I did, I did ♪
♪ I'm ascending ♪
♪ I'm ascending ♪
♪ Tonight with you ♪
♪
- (SILVERWARE CLINKS)
(ACTION MOVIE PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)
MAN (IN MOVIE): Hunting
season... is over.
(GRENADE CLICKS)
(GRENADE EXPLODES)
(TURNS OFF DEVICE)
(CARS HONKING OUTSIDE)
(MAN SPEAKING YIDDISH)
All right.
(SPEAKS YIDDISH)
Okay?
(LAUGHS)
(URINE SPLASHING)
- Yeah.
- Bullshit.
Way, way out of my league.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Okay? Trust me.
(BAG ZIPS)
(SPEAKS YIDDISH)
(DISTANT SIREN WAILING)
(SIGHS)
- WOMAN (ON COMPUTER): Oh! Yeah.
- MAN (ON COMPUTER): Yeah.
- (BOTH MOANING)
- WOMAN: Harder.
(SNAKE HISSING ON COMPUTER)
(WOMAN GASPS)
(PHONE CHIMES)
(GRUNTS)
(SIREN BLARES)
Yes!
- ♪
♪
- (BUZZING)
♪ ♪
♪ With his face along mine ♪
♪ I need you to be strong ♪
♪ Strong ♪
- (CAR APPROACHES)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh, fuck a duck.
- MAN: She started screaming at me because I...
I got a shared ride? God damn it.
- MAN: ... stop being a whore?
- (SIGHS)
And she's screaming at me
because I left a cup in my room?
That's crazy. I swear to God.
- Hi.
- Who was there?
- I was there. Exactly.
- Sorry, I didn't realize it was...
I swear to God, I'm getting
crazy. I'm turning into...
Damn. You gonna tell me you
couldn't put that in the trunk?
- Like, este tipo...
- Sorry.
... they swear to God that
they own the entire fucking car.
I swear to God.
I'm really feeling some
type of way about this.
And no, you can't bring her either,
because she wasn't
appreciative of the fact
that I was telling her that
her titty was out that day.
She was walking around
with her head up her ass,
and she's unappreciative
of my friendship.
And if you aren't
appreciative of my friendship,
then you can't fuck
with me. Simple as that.
Simple as that. Honestly.
(SNEEZES)
Ah!
Well, bless me, I guess. Damn!
Nah, because este tipo, I swear to God!
(CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
♪ ♪
♪ Every single thing ♪
♪ That I shouldn't do... ♪
- Yo.
- Hi.
Come on in.
Thanks.
- How's it going?
- Uh, fine. You?
Really good, actually. I just
started writing for Vice.
Oh, mazel tov.
- That's great.
- It's so funny you say that.
I'm, like, literally writing a
story about ultra-Orthodox Jews
- who have defected from their community.
- Cool.
Do they know you're
doing a story about 'em?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Just joking.
- Ha.
- So, I don't have any more pens left,
- but I have all of the other stuff.
- All right.
Cool.
I actually went to this thing
last night called a Chulent.
It's like this weekly
meeting for ex-Hasids
who have, like, defected from
the community. Super fascinating.
Let me just grab that. I'm just gonna...
- Yeah. Sorry.
- It's okay.
Yeah, they're like on the
fringes of the fringes of society.
Like, their families have
completely severed ties with them,
they have no secular education, and
barely speak English when they leave.
It's super sad.
Yeah, that's rough. You
gonna take those two?
- Yup, these two.
- All right, that's $100 coming my way.
Let me just get my wallet.
MAN (SHOUTS): Hey, Sarah! Sarah!
(LAUGHS)
(CLATTERS)
What?
No.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (DOOR OPENS)
- ALL: Hi!
Oh! Oh!
Shabbos!
I like that dude with that shirt.
- Hey. Stop it.
- What's up, Baruch?
(EXCITED CHATTERING)
Shabbos! Shabbos!
What's up?
(LIVELY CHATTERING)
(WOMAN SINGING IN YIDDISH)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- Hi.
- Hey. Hey.
- Come in, come in.
- Yeah.
Hi, guys. We have... Anja.
- Hey.
- Anja, this is everyone.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll just... sit...
I'll get you a chair.
I'll get you a chair.
- Yeah, everybody.
- Hi.
Hey. Anja.
- Hi.
- Good Shabbos.
I don't touch women. I'm kidding.
- Oh. Okay. (LAUGHS)
- Shabbos.
(SINGING IN YIDDISH)
Woo!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I think we got a little carried away.
- Abdullah?
- Yeah, that's me, man. Hop in.
How's it going, man?
I got gum, mints, Snickers,
Milky Ways if you don't do peanuts,
waters and Capri Suns. Help yourself.
Wow, man. You're giving a little extra.
Hey, man. Anything worth doing
is worth doing well, right?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
- Oh, hey, man, what's up?
- ABDULLAH: Oh shit. It's you.
- Whoa!
- Oh my God. I thought I recognized your voice.
I didn't even notice on the app.
Your, uh... you cut your hair, man.
Yeah, man. I cut my hair,
cleaned up a little bit,
got this button-down
shirt, got this car,
MP3 player, got this
air-freshener thingy.
It's a whole new me, man. How about you?
I'm okay. Someone locked
their bike to mine,
- so I can't get my bike.
- Ah.
I should be taking
the subway or walking,
but I thought I'd
treat myself this time.
Yeah, man. You gotta
treat yourself, dude.
- The world is crazy.
- Yeah, it really is.
Really fucking nuts.
You know, some dude I
just picked up from JFK,
he sincerely just asked me if
ISIS had tried to recruit me.
- Ooh! Are you serious?
- Do you believe that?
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- What he doesn't know
is that ISIS would be lucky to have you.
You're the guy who's looking
out for the nut allergy.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, man.
One of those crazy fucks is bound
to have a nut allergy, right?
Most definitely.
(LAUGHS)
Oh shit.
- You wanna get down on this, man?
- Yeah.
(SINGING IN YIDDISH)
(PHONE CLICKS)
No, don't take any photos.
Don't take any photos.
- No?
- You can't take photos. No.
Okay. Why? I thought...
I thought all these
people had already left.
No. No, no, no. A lot of
these people are still in.
One of the lesbians over
there, she's still married.
- ANJA: Okay.
- BARUCH: If her husband finds out,
you know, she'll be in a lot of trouble.
Gotcha. Yeah.
What's the deal with the
guy in the corner? Is he...
- BARUCH: That guy?
- ANJA: Yeah.
BARUCH: Yeah, he's got nine kids.
After having Shabbos dinner
with his wife and family,
he comes here to hang
out with... with friends.
Okay.
(SINGING CONTINUES)
Uh, can I ask you a question?
Is it true what they say
about the hole in the sheet?
- No. No. No.
- (LAUGHS) No. Okay.
Hey, uh, would you... would you
mind taking a selfie with me?
- A selfie?
- Yeah, just the two of us.
- Yeah, sure, a selfie.
- Yeah.
Ready?
- (CLICKS)
- Thank you.
- Let's see, let's see.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- Here. (LAUGHS)
- Oh, that's nice.
(SPEAKS YIDDISH) Put the phone away.
- I know. I know. (SPEAKS YIDDISH)
- It was just the two of us.
My all due respect...
(ARGUING IN YIDDISH)
I apologize. We start over again.
- Okay.
- Hi, my name's Schmuel. How are you?
- Good.
- So I heard you're a writer?
Yeah, yeah. No, I write... I
write... I write for Vice.
Vice, Vice. You know Meshulam
Weiss? I went to yeshiva with him.
(LAUGHTER) You don't know?
No. So yeah, I'm sorry, I just...
this is an emotional thing for me.
So, just between me and
you and nobody else, listen,
how much you getting paid for this?
- (SHOUTING IN YIDDISH)
- Oh, it's...
I'm just a staff writer.
Like, I make a... I make a standard...
Staff, schmaff. But what are
you making? What are you making?
- I... I make a standard salary. It's really...
- (DODI SPEAKS YIDDISH)
(SHOUTING IN YIDDISH)
Oh, goody.
All right, go fuck yourselves.
L'chaim! L'chaim!
(CHATTING IN YIDDISH)
- You want something else to drink?
- No. You know what? I'm good. Thank you.
I actually... I brought some weed.
I don't know if you guys smoke weed.
Do we smoke weed? Well, it depends.
Is it kosher?
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Is it kosher?
I like this one already.
Let's start over. Let's start over.
(LIVELY CHATTERING)
♪ ♪
MAN: I feel like...
like a rusty basketball.
(LAUGHTER)
My God. Who the fuck made all of this?
- Me.
- You?
- Yeah.
- You, sir, are a national treasure.
Well, thank you. So are you.
Thank you so much. This is like...
- like a weird room in Nic Cage's house.
- (LAUGHTER)
Like, I'm sure Nic Cage has the
exact room in his castle somewhere.
That one definitely does look like a
Nicolas Cage costume waiting to happen.
- GUY: Yeah.
- I'm a Nicolas Cage aficionado.
I've seen almost every Nicolas
Cage film of the last 25 years.
- Bad Lieutenant.
- TYRELL: Yeah.
- I love Bad Lieutenant.
- Leaving Las Vegas.
- Hello.
- I didn't see Leaving Las Vegas.
- What?
- I never saw it.
You never saw Leaving Las Vegas?
So, Nicolas Cage, alcoholic,
down and out in Vegas,
like, falling into swimming pools.
- Yeah.
- He's a mess.
Elisabeth Shue is trying to save him.
It's the best thing she's ever done.
TYRELL: It's not her best work.
It's her best work ever.
- What about Karate Kid?
- Adventures in Babysitting.
- Adventures in Babysitting.
- Yes!
I wonder what... ?
You know what? I'm gonna find out.
What are you up to, Elisabeth Shue?
- ♪ What are you up to ♪
- PHONE: Here's what I found...
- ♪ Elisabeth Shue? ♪
- on the web for...
- (PHONE BEEPS)
- ♪ What are you up to ♪
- ♪ Elisabeth Shue? ♪
- (LAUGHS)
♪ What are you up to, Elisabeth Shue? ♪
♪ What are you up to, Elisabeth Shue? ♪
- (FUNK MUSIC PLAYS)
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- Hey.
- What's up, man?
- How was that?
- Pretty good, man. Pretty good.
I think we're really
getting our system down.
Yeah, our very own System of a Down.
Okay, hey, sorry, I didn't
request a ride share.
Oh. Nah, it's all good, man.
- This is just my homie.
- Hey. What's up?
Okay, this is fucked up.
Yo! "Fucked up"?
Dude, chill out, man. Grab
another Capri Sun, huh?
Yeah, they're delicious.
Uh, how strong was
that gummy you gave me?
I don't know. Like, 40
milligrams, maybe 50.
Ooh. I'm feeling it.
The dudes that I get
those from have all kinds
of banging edibles and like a whole
bunch of different concentrates.
I could probably get you a good
price on some of that stuff, too, man.
You know what? I'm gonna call corporate.
This is, like, totally unprofessional.
Dude, after taking a second Capri Sun?
- That's cold, man.
- MAN: Well, I'm sorry about the Capri Sun,
- but I signed up for a individual ride.
- No, my dude.
No. I'm sorry about the Capri Sun.
Yeah, we're all sorry
about the Capri Sun.
- Yeah, man.
- This is bullshit.
I'm just saying if you don't
give a shit about America,
then don't fucking vote.
That's all I'm saying.
DODI: Okay, I understand
what you're saying, okay?
He's a real estate guy,
he understands business,
and he's gonna make sure that real
estate people like me are happy, okay?
Yeah. No, I... you're totally right.
Like, I... I guess like racist,
sexist, pussy-grabbing assholes
- just gotta stick together.
- (SIGHS)
(SCHMUEL SPEAKS YIDDISH)
Oh, shut up, Schmuel. You're a chazzer.
- (MUTTERS)
- All right, let's change the subject, okay?
SCHMUEL: Besides... besides,
how can we be racist?
Jews and blacks, we both
suffer. We're the same thing,
around here in Brooklyn, especially.
What? I'm sorry. Yeah.
Black people in Crown Heights,
they don't have a police
and ambulance force.
- MAN: So what?
- So maybe not the same.
- Not the same.
- (SPEAKS YIDDISH)
ANJA: Yeah.
Not the same thing.
ANJA: I understood that part.
No, no, I'm telling him
how your liberal perspective
- will add so much to the conversation.
- Yeah.
You, my friend, are gonna have a
great career ahead of on Gawker.
- Good luck.
- Uh, Gawker doesn't exist anymore, dude.
- (SCHMUEL MUTTERING)
- Good night!
(MEN SPEAKING YIDDISH)
All right.
Hey, you wanna get outta here?
Yeah.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
- Sure.
- (LAUGHS)
(DANCE FUNK SONG PLAYING)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Hey! Hey! Oh! Yeah.
- Wanna smoke?
- No.
- No?
- No, no, no.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
- I'm gonna run outside.
- Okay.
You can find me outside.
- Huh? Yeah, okay.
- Okay.
(MUSIC FADES)
THE GUY: Yeah, man, that was pretty fun.
- Thank you so much.
- Thanks, dude.
- Thank you. Yeah.
- Nice.
I especially like how the customers
kinda just like come in and out
- of the back seat, you know?
- Yeah.
It's like that Seinfeld
where Kramer gets
the game show set in his living room.
- The Merv Griffin Show.
- The Merv Griffin Show.
- Yes! Yes, dude.
- He finds it in the trash can.
Yeah, and he sets it
up in his apartment.
- And he got that suit.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah, exactly.
- That is a deep cut, man.
- Yeah.
It was... it was pretty fun, man.
I'm really fucking stoned.
I think I'm too stoned, actually.
Yeah, that tends to happen
when you hang out with me.
- But it's fun.
- Well, I'm saying, dude,
I'm just driving around
all night anyways,
so if you ever need any help,
- just holla.
- I will. You know what sounds so good right now
- is challah French toast.
- Oh my God.
- I am so hungry. Holy shit.
- Oh man.
Yeah. You should get something.
I can't eat French toast
while driving though.
- You should take a break.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Take it easy, dude.
- Later, man.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
Oh.
It's okay. Hakuna matata, baby.
- (BRAKES SQUEAK) (CAR HONKS)
- Oof!
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Shit.
♪ ♪
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(FLUSHES)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(RUSTLING)
(WHISTLES)
(WHIRRING)
(LIVELY CHATTERING)
Oh, hey. I... I got you a drink.
Thanks.
♪ ♪
You dance like a wild man.
Is that bad?
(CHUCKLES) No. Not bad.
You seem free.
Thank you.
- So, where are you from?
- Moscow.
- You?
- Not far from here.
South Williamsburg.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.
Oh, I was wondering what this was.
- How do they keep it so curly?
- Twist it around your finger.
Sometimes I use hair gel.
I thought they used a curling iron.
No.
So, uh...
you're very elegant.
Elegant?
Yeah, you're wearing... all black.
Yeah. It's New York.
Everyone wears black.
What did you wear when
you were in Moscow?
(LAUGHS)
Black.
Yeah, I wear a lot of black too.
Black's the fucking best. (LAUGHS)
(MAN SHOUTS) Last call!
- Uh, what's your name?
- Marina.
Marina, I'm Baruch. Well,
people call me Baruch.
BaRuk, Baruch. (CHUCKLES)
- Baruch.
- Yeah.
- Are you hungry?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Oh!
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Oh! Feels so good to be free!
Oh. It's so gross in there.
Okay, okay, what are
we gonna do for afters?
- Oh! I'm totally DTF for afters.
- Yes! Okay.
Members Only. Let's go. What time is it?
- No. What?
- Girl!
Members Only has been closed
forever. What are you talking about?
Does anyone have contact solution?
- TERRENCE: I'll get an Uber.
- (TERRENCE AND TYRELL LAUGH)
I'm not Mary Poppins, girl.
What are you talking about?
Well, you got that big-ass bag, bitch.
TYRELL: Okay, hold on, hold
on. We have to go somewhere.
We have to go somewhere
good, 'cause I took a pill
- and I don't want to go to bed.
- Okay. Let me get a car.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
All right, I'm not chasing any dragons.
- Fine. Mwah. Gorgeous.
- Mwah.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, my eyes are literally dissolving.
- Bye.
- See you later.
Be safe. Don't get attacked.
- Baby. Baby.
- TERRENCE: Oh, sorry.
(LAUGHTER)
There you go.
- Couldn't wait, huh?
- Mmm.
Who can resist a tuna bagel?
MARINA: I probably could.
Hey, do you have contact solution?
- MAN: Yes, I'll be right there.
- Okay.
(MUMBLING): Marina, the best
fucking tuna bagel... (CHOKING)
(COUGHING)
Hey. Are you okay? Baruch?
- Oh.
- (CHOKING)
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN) Baruch!
Help!
Help! He's choking!
MAN: You call the ambulance?
- What happened?
- He was choking...
- I'm a doctor.
- ... and he hit his head.
Hey, buddy. Can you hear me?
- What's his name?
- Baruch.
Baruch, can you hear me?
- MAN: He almost dead.
- MAN 2: Hold on, hold on.
His airway's blocked. Shit.
Get me a knife and a straw,
rubbing alcohol, first aid kit,
whatever you have back there.
MAN 2: Did he just ask for a knife?
- Like this?
- Smaller knife.
Whatever you have back there.
Here.
- Better yet, give me that pen.
- MAN: Yo. No shit.
He says he's a doctor. I don't know.
- (CLATTERS)
- MAN 2: About 25.
White. Yeah.
Hold this.
(GASPS) Oh my God.
MAN 2: Oh shit.
(GASPS)
Ah. (MUMBLES)
(WHIMPERS)
Oh fuck.
- (MARINA SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
- MAN: Oh shit, man. Ooh!
- MAN 3: God.
- (GAGS)
Pen.
Oh damn. Oh God.
(PEOPLE GAG)
MAN 2: Yo.
- (AIR HISSING)
- He's breathing.
- Whoa.
- MAN 2: That's crazy.
He's breathing. He's gonna be fine.
Phew.
(SIREN APPROACHING)
(GURGLING, BREATHING)
Can I have that contact solution?
♪ My ♪
♪ Shabop Shalom Baby ♪
♪ Won't you Shabop Shalom with me ♪
♪ Under the old banana tree? ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh, my ♪
♪ Sweet Tel-Avivian lamb's bread ♪
♪ My heart will act as an emollient ♪
♪ And you'll never, ever say ♪
- ♪ "Get Bent!" ♪
- ♪ No, no, no ♪
(VOCALIZING)
♪ Oh, when ♪
♪ I'm ever in a foul mood ♪
♪ I gotta see you in your Talmud ♪
♪ And so happy it makes me ♪
♪ You wanna know who ♪
♪ Who wrote the Book of Job? ♪
♪ She wants to know, "Who ♪
♪ Who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls?" ♪
♪ I did, I did, mm-hmm ♪
♪ I did, I did ♪
♪ I'm ascending ♪
♪ I'm ascending ♪
♪ Tonight with you ♪
♪