Hercules (1998–1999): Season 2, Episode 1 - Hercules and the First Day of School - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪
- ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪
- ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪



- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no
one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

The mighty Hercules.



The legendary hero of heroes.

Tested by dangers that
no mere mortal could brave.

The thousand headed Hyburgh.
The fearsome Nemian Lion.

And perhaps the
greatest challenge of all...

High school!

E-e-excuse me.

High school, honey.
That's the tough stuff.

Well, that's not on my list.

Darling, we are the muses.

We know what it
was and what it is!

And we got the dish on
how Hercules hit the big time.

You tell 'em, girl.

If I could get back
to my narration.

Take five.

We feel... inspired.

♪ Now young Herc ♪

♪ As a teen ♪

♪ Was a lot like the rest ♪

♪ With a heroic dream ♪

♪ And no hair on his chest ♪

♪ He was working with Phil ♪

♪ On his physical best ♪

♪ When his dad intervened ♪

♪ With this simple request ♪

Child, what did he say?

♪ You've got to send ♪

♪ Send my boy ♪

- ♪ Send my boy ♪
- ♪ Send my boy ♪

- ♪ You've got to send ♪
- ♪ My boy to school ♪

♪ Fill his hollow head ♪

♪ With a fountain of knowledge ♪

♪ Every mortal mind needs fuel ♪

♪ He's got to learn
the difference ♪

♪ Between right and wrong ♪

♪ And someday soon he'll
Need a date for the prom ♪

♪ Don't want him growing up ♪

♪ To be no fool ♪

♪ You've got to send
my boy to school ♪

Unh! Hermes.

Hermes, my paper. Now.

Today's top story,

The fabulous Prometheus
Academy welcomes

the oh-so-happening Hercules.

Really? Let me see.

Ah, didn't make
the Valley Edition.

But on Mount Olympus,

all the Gods and Goddesses

are like, heh, hyped, man, heh.

Ah, breakfast.

Most important meal of the day.

Ay-yi-i forgot the bananas.

Thanks.

Oy.

Hey, you're not
nervous, are you?

No. Don't think so.

Should I be?

Nice work, wing tips.

Kid, the first day of
school is just like any other.

But what if nobody likes me?

Oy. This is one of
those peer pressure,

teen angst crises.

Herc, two words.

Re-lax.

By the way, did I mention

that the school barge was
waiting when I got here?

No way!

I can't be late
for my first day.

Wait up!

Huh?

What?

Where's our new student?

I am Parenthesis, your
guidance counselor.

This is your student i.d.

It signifies that you are a
student at Prometheus Academy,

The most prestigious
school in Greece.

And it's 10 drachmas to
replace if lost or stolen.

It won't leave my sight, sir.

Here's your campus
map, recently revised,

cafeterium menu,
I like the mutton,

and your locker number,
memorize and destroy.

X-I, X-I... Oh, X-I.

No, not this one!

This is Pandora's locker.
She's got some issues.

No, get off, get off!

Sorry, I'm new.

OK, obvious. I'm Icarus.

Hercules. Call me Herc.

Herc, as a newbie,

you need a guy
that's plugged in.

Someone who can
put you at the epicenter

of the Academy's
chic Greek elite.

Thanks. Th-that would be great.

Yeah, wouldn't it?

I'm not that guy.

Honey, what's scarier than
giving Medusa a makeover?

Girl, the first day
in a new school.

♪ Show him facts and figures ♪

♪ Bring him books to read ♪

♪ Give him all the tools
And learning skills ♪

♪ He'll need to succeed ♪

♪ As a shiny gene pool jewel ♪

♪ You've got to send my boy ♪

♪ He's my pride and joy ♪

♪ You've got to send ♪

♪ My boy ♪

♪ To school ♪

Oh, I had no idea high
school would be so tough.

Well, take heart, my new
friend, for it is lunch time,

a respite from
academic adversity.

Welcome to the cafeterium.

Bad food in large quantities.

Goat milk?

Sorry, Ajax. He's the new guy.

Herc, try not to act
like the new guy.

You got it, Icarus.

Good example.

This is the kind of thing that
can get you labeled for life.

Something like "cornu-dope-ia,"

or... "herky jerky
with the fruity booties."

OK, OK, I get the point.

Well, I'm just saying,
kids can be cruel.

Thanks, Icky.

Some more than others.

He can't do that.

There you go, acting new again.

Why should we let
him get away with that?

Because he's Adonis.

He's a prince.

If you wanna survive high
school, you gotta know the score.

- What's the score?
- We're losing!

You and me... losers.

This is Cassandra.

She is sweeter than
ambrosia and she is all mine.

Icarus.

Yeah, baby?

The hands?

Move them or lose them.

Our relationship is in flux.

Honey, I want you
to meet Hercules.

This is his first day here,

so make him feel welcome
while I go back for firsts.

Ha, nice to meet you, Cassandra.

I doubt it, but it's
polite of you to say so.

Icarus is a... he's a great guy.

I-i-is he your boyfriend?

Try stalker.

Stalker?

He thinks he's my boyfriend.

He flew too close to the sun.

Oh, he's that Icarus?

Huh. I wondered about his hair.

It goes deeper.
Like, to his brain.

Heh. Well, he's, uh, happy.

Happy's good, right?

It's not for everybody.

On the other hand, living in
a deluded fantasy is probably

the only way to survive
this Underworld on Earth.

Yeah, heh. What?

High school.

Oh, oh, I got you.

The Underworld
thing was a metaphor.

Right, right.

We covered that in
epic poetry class today.

Ah, I should know this stuff.

Cassandra, are you OK?

Whoa, did I miss it?

- What?
- A Cassandra Vision.

Watch.

Vision?

She sees horrible stuff that's
gonna happen in the future.

It is her curse.

One of the many things I
find irresistible about her.

I see disaster
in the cafeterium.

The roof is falling.

I see the new guy.
I see the roof falling

- on the new guy.
- Huh?

That can't happen, can it?

I mean, this place
is built to last, right?

Don't worry about it.

She made this wild prediction

that I would make a
fool of myself in public.

Ha! But I don't care,

Because I am hopelessly devoted

to her. Oh, I love her so much.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. What
are you looking at?

The ceiling's falling!

Oh, Icky.

Destiny calls.

- You can't do this.
- Yes I can. Refills are free.

I'm going to talk to
Adonis about this.

It's... it's just not fair.

Life got fair?
Why wasn't I told?

Hmm...

Hey, I think you dropped this.

Mm-hmm.

You may rejoin
the underclass now.

This is empty!

Refills are free. Help yourself.

Don't be ridiculous.

I never do anything for myself.

For example, I'm inclined
to humiliate you now.

Humiliate him now.

Whoa!

Ow!

Hey, I think you dropped this.

I've seen gorgons with better
pictures than that. Ha ha ha.

Oh, sure, his
pride is destroyed.

His reputation annihilated.

But the roof did not fall.

I think I could have
handled the roof.

OK, rookie, show
me what you got.

How did I do?

You seem distracted.

Huh?

You seem distracted.

Phil, what was
school like for you?

I learned what I
know on the streets.

The school of hard knocks.

And since I took you on,

I feel like I'm doing
my post-graduate work.

Sorry, Phil. It's just that...

Everybody at school
thinks I'm a loser.

Yeah, yeah,

Achilles went through the same
thing with them orthopedic sandals.

What do you think you are?

I'm not so sure sometimes.

Kid, forget everybody else.

Figure out what you think.

Oh, I believe this
belongs to you.

Oh, sorry.

Phil's right.

It shouldn't matter what
everybody else thinks.

But it does matter... a lot.

How do I prove to everybody
at school I'm not a loser?

A fight?

That jerk Adonis,
I'd love to... nah.

It's against school rules.

Oh, fight the monster.

Pegasus, you're a genius.

Tonight, I'm going to
prove that I'm a hero.

We're going to the
Realm... of Monsters.

And so in the Realm of Monsters,

Hercules sought a worthy
foe to prove himself a hero.

Honey, that's not Hercules.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Speedy Pita delivery guy.

You're dinner's here.

You know, I'm not big on pitas.

No, I'm more of a people person.

Aah!

Heh heh.

Huh?

Tremble before mighty Echidna!

The mother of all monsters?

I'm putting in for a new route.

Orthos, your blood feast

is the most important
meal of the day.

And what do you eat?

Junk food.

Unh!

Aah!

But, Ma...

Shut your pie
hole, little mister.

Mother.

That goes double for you.

Oh, where did I go wrong?

Your brothers and sisters
are out there night and day.

They're eviscerating armies.

Leveling city-states
to eat only the best.

But what do you do?

You stuff your faces
with pita delivery boys.

We ate that musaca guy once.

What have I always told you?

You can't be a somebody
if you eat a nobody.

That's right. So starting
tonight, you are on a strict diet.

You are to gorge only
upon the upper crust.

Like a king or a prince
or at least a hero.

And so in the Realm
of Monsters, Hercules...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We all got the beat now.

This is the domain of Echidna.

- Huh?
- The mother of all monsters.

Do you even know
where you're going?

No, but I do know we have
to eat somebody important

or mother's going to eat us.

- She wouldn't.
- I think she would.

The last couple of family
reunions had some empty seats.

There was talk.

Here's how I see it.
I defeat a monster.

Word spreads at
school, "Herc's a hero!"

Life is fair again.

OK, that was fast.

Nothing personal, but I'm going
to have to defeat you in battle.

And who exactly are you?

The name's Hercules.

Never heard of you.

I know. Nobody has.

N-no offense, peewee,

but our mother has
us on a strict diet.

Royalty and heroes only.

Well, I'm a hero-in-training.

Does that count?

Maybe not as an
entree, but as a snack.

Unh!

Ow! Cut it out.

He's stale.

Well, just check for
an expiration date.

Mm-hmm. It's usually on
the bottom right here, right?

Ah, forget him. He's
stale, and he's a nobody.

Unh. Ow.

I'm not a nobody.

Unh!

Living in denial.

I am somebody.
Somebody important.

Prove it.

Uh, uh...

I am a student at the
Prometheus Academy.

Hey! Whoa.

Aye, what a ghastly likeness.

Ever hear of a comb?

Actually, I've heard of this
school. Quite prestigious.

So they've gotta have some very
important upper crusty people there.

We could check it out.

You mean that?

Brother, let's go.

Hey! That costs 10
drachma if lost or stolen.

Got 10 drachma I can borrow?

♪ Herc's most
dangerous lesson's ♪

♪ About to begin ♪

♪ Cassandra's
predicted his doom ♪

- ♪ Shoo-wop ♪
- ♪ Shoo-wop ♪

♪ On top of our hero ♪

♪ The roof is gonna fall ♪

♪ You don't want to miss it ♪

♪ Stay tuned ♪

How late am I?

- Rome fell.
- What?

Kidding. That won't
happen for centuries.

You only missed geometry.

Mr. Euclid didn't
even take attendance.

What with the
rampaging cyclops and all.

A cyclops? How many heads?

Two, I think. Could
be a new student.

Ah, somebody
said he's got an i.d.

I heard the picture
on it is hideous.

My i.d.

All royalty and important
people line up to the left.

Everyone else is excused.

Cooperate and
no one will be hurt.

Except they will get eaten.

Well, that's a given.

They never make it easy.

I'll make it easy for you.

Leave now and there
won't be any trouble.

Hey, it's the stale nobody kid.

Thanks for the hot tip.

Yeah. Dynamite buffet.

There's been a
change in the menu.

No flesh this day, instead
you shall taste my blade.

Here. Make him taste my blade.

Hey, you've got
something back there.

- Did I get it? Higher.
- W-where?

- To the left.
- Wait. Here? Are you mirroring me,

Or are you just...

- A little more.
- Did I get it!

Bingo.

Adonis, this is my fight.

I'm sure you mean
well, stale nobody kid.

Look, like we told you before,
We can't waste our time on you.

I am a hero-in-training.

And thus you may be
a somebody someday.

But right now, you are a nobody.

Well, he's got you there.

I, on the other
hand, am a prince.

Right now, at this very moment,

a bona fide prince.

- No!
- Hey! Aah!

We shall dine like royalty.

Or on royalty, as
the case may be.

Wait!

You can't eat him!

Can, too.

Mom said we could eat princes.

But how are you going
to prove to your mom

that he was a prince?

We'll save some bones.

Everybody's the
same under their skin.

That is not true.

I mean, right.

We are all brothers
under the skin.

Aah!

We gotta show Mom
that we made good.

Uh, should we wrap him to go?

No. We can have our
prince and eat him, too.

Smile.

Very well.

I'm not used to working
under hostage conditions.

Not that you care. I
mean, you are a rather odd,

Hideous looking two-eyed...

Well, one-eyed,
two-headed thing.

When I say thing,
I mean cyclops.

And I... that's me... am not...

Just take the picture!

Unh!

Say feta cheese.

Oh, uh, that actually hurt.

OK, stale nobody
kid, prepare for pain.

The name is Hercules.

Aah!

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Wow. Two heads. Oh!

You could eat and
think at the same time.

- Huh?
- Huh?

He was to be the best
man at our wedding.

Oh, I was on the
cusp of an emotion,

And you just made
that impossible.

Cassandra, good
call on the roof.

I foretold you so.

But you didn't see that I'd
beat the two-headed cyclops.

Well, I guess Adonis
didn't see it that way either.

I guess you could say 'twas
beauty that killed the beast.

Play along. I'll make
it worth your while.

Everybody thinks
he saved the day.

Oh, two-fist him.

Well, it worked on the bi-clops.

Ah, forget it. It
doesn't matter.

Is this abject defeat
or newfound maturity?

Who cares what
everybody else thinks?

You know what's important?

What I think.

And I think I'm... I'm doing OK.

Maturity.

Perhaps the greatest foe of all.

♪ So ends this tale ♪

♪ Of a humble beginning ♪

♪ The hero won't always ♪

♪ Get glory for winning ♪

♪ But that's how it goes ♪

♪ I suppose that it shows ♪

♪ You need two fists to fight ♪

♪ When your foe's ♪

♪ Got more ♪

♪ Than one nose ♪

♪ Yeah ♪