Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 51 - Hercules and the Big Show - full transcript
Hercules and friends are the guests on a griffin's show.
♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ah, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
Live from the
celebrity amphitheater
on the corner of
Olive and Grapevine,
It's The Merv Griffin
Show, starring Merv Griffin.
Hey, thank you.
Well, we have a very
special guest for you today...
Extraordinary young man.
Stirring quite a buzz over
the whole Hellenic World.
He's a student, son of Zeus,
or son of a Zeus, and
one heck of a nice kid.
Put your hands
together for Hercules.
Well, welcome.
Good to see you again.
Oh, thanks, Merv.
It's great to be back.
You've been here before,
and it always intrigues me,
Your life as a demigod.
Oh, well, uh, I'm half-god
and half-mortal, so, uh,
sometimes I'm
stuck in the middle.
Fascinating. Well, let's hear
more about the real Hercules,
The boy behind the armor,
if you will. What's your story?
As you know, Merv, I
was born on Olympus,
but I was raised by my mortal
parents on a farm in Arcadia.
Go get 'em, son!
Hey, Ma. Hey, Pop.
It's a long way from
farm boy to wonder boy.
And guess what, folks,
we have some highlights of Hercules'
early career to view here tonight.
OK, uh, that's me.
That's me getting
ready to raise my sword.
Uh, sword's a little higher now.
Uh, Hercules, this is
only a half-hour show.
Oh, well, uh, if you want to speed
things up, I know just the guy.
Herc, babe, I am on the job.
Merv, you are such a
cat, and I mean that, man.
OK, let's get this scroll
rolling at a fast clip.
Clip? Hey, that's a
good name for this.
♪ Doesn't have what it takes ♪
♪ But maybe he'll get it ♪
♪ Maybe someday till
then those are the breaks ♪
♪ So why should he sweat it? ♪
♪ We'll try to tell him that ♪
♪ He's got to learn to
wait till the time is right ♪
♪ He's got to know his heart
before he starts to fight ♪
♪ And if anyone
could pull it off ♪
♪ Hercules might ♪
♪ So call him half a man ♪
♪ He's growin' day and night ♪
♪ Just give him half a chance
He's gonna do all right ♪
♪ Could anyone
do more than that? ♪
♪ Well, maybe he'll
do more than that ♪
♪ If anyone could pull it off ♪
♪ Hercules might ♪
So, you were saying.
Oh, right, uh... So, this is
my coach Phil and Pegasus.
A flying horse. Amazing.
Yeah. Phil's always taught me
that the secret to being a true
hero is to remember my hero rules.
Blech. Oh, man!
Hero rule number 72.
Number 33.
Number 88.
186.
Number 147.
Fee-fie-fo-fum.
Hero rule nine, giants are dumb.
Well, sometimes I don't
exactly remember them
as well as I should.
Ooh! That had to hurt.
Ouch.
Look out.
Ooh. This looks more like
low lights than highlights.
Yeah.
Uh, Hermes, maybe we could
skip over this part, you know?
Can the bloopers.
Got you covered.
Ah. There we go. That's better.
Now, what's the best part about
going to the elite Prometheus Academy?
The best part? Uh, gosh, I have to
say the friends that I've met there.
None better than
my best pal Icarus.
Hey, Icarus, you out there?
Hang on! I'm going
to be there in a jiffy.
Ow!
Yow! Mayday, mayday!
Ladies and gentlemen, you know him
as the kid who flew too close to the sun,
Icarus!
I think everybody wants to
know why wax for the wings?
And why the
fascination with the sun?
You really cut me
to the quick, Merv.
You want to break me, don't ya?
Playing with my head, trying to
make me cry like a big fat baby.
Well, I'm not going to fall for your
ratings-grabbing talk show tricks.
Oh, man! I'm a freak, Merv!
- He's your best friend really?
- Uh, yeah.
Icarus and I have been
through a lot together.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
The guy with the thing...
- The thing, yeah, and it was too, uh...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't want to interrupt, but
what are you talking about?
Sorry. I just have some
stuff of Icarus and me, too.
Uncle Hermes, you
want to roll that stuff?
That depends. Do
I have to watch it?
Ha ha! "Do I have to
watch it?" You are killing...
Shut up!
♪ Who soars like
an eagle in flight? ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
♪ Who fights for the
right with his might? ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
♪ Who thwarts any threat
without breaking a sweat ♪
♪ And looks pretty
good in his tights? ♪
♪ That's me ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
The sun is about to set,
but I will not allow
this temple to close.
I will not be moved.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Hey, that's me.
We get the idea. Right.
So, how convenient.
Ooh! Bring on the big "c," baby!
Hey, hey. Here's the time
Circe turned you into a platypus.
Oh, yeah, and a darn
nice platypus I was, too.
Oh, like it was a good thing.
At least you weren't a lemur.
Oh, and here's when we took
care of those stupid minions
who worked for Hades.
Ooh, you've tangled
with the fearsome Hades?
Now, that must have been scary.
No way. Herc eats that
big blowhard for breakfast.
Come on! Just look how
many times he's burned Hades.
The curtain was almost down!
Oh, yeah, I forgot
about that one.
Ciao, babe. Ciao.
I got to go. I got to
go shampoo my hair.
That's likely.
There goes my credit rating.
Does anybody feel
like a cup of coffee?
Oh, man, look at that jerk!
Puh-lease. He's not scaring anybody.
You know, Merv, he's
not as tough as he looks.
That's because he
looks like a nincompoop.
Ooh, that's funny. The
boss is a big nincom...
Poop.
He thinks he can make
a monkey out of me, huh?
Actually, your tenaciousness, I
think the word was "nincompoop."
I know what it was, thank you.
Come on, boys.
Merv doesn't know it,
But he's about to be canceled.
Hoo-hoo! He certainly
deserved that one.
He usually does.
Wow.
How about this one? Run
away as fast as you can.
Yes, fascinating.
Extraordinary footage,
really one-of-a-kind.
Will you cut that out?
This isn't your show. It's mine.
Correction! It's my show now.
Hades is in the house!
Hey, clear out,
cat. This is our gig.
Hey, the lounge loser and
his lingo, like, "beat it, cat."
Hey, Jercules, guess what?
News flash! You've been bumped.
You can't take my
show away like this.
That's right, mister.
You are in for a but...
Put a cork in it.
Athens, get ready, babies.
Because now I'm too hip, I can't stay.
I almost got to
go, but I'm here!
And now, dead, From the
underworld amphitheater,
on the corner of
Fire and Brimstone,
it's The Hades
Show, starring Hades!
And now here's... Hades!
All right, and
welcome to the show.
Let me just say how
great it is to be here.
I haven't had this much
fun since I helped my friend
the Cyclops shop for bifocals.
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.
Sorry about that, but Hades
tossed me off The Merv Griffin Show,
and I hope you understand. I just...
Now if only I can find some way.
To defeat Hades.
So, where do I begin to tell
the story of the magic that is me?
Oh, I don't know.
Let's just show the
clips and dive right in.
It's all going to
be just fabulous.
Why are you stuck in
this backwater water?
You are obviously
almighty material.
But I'm mighty.
There. A tidal wave just
blew out Lemnos Beach.
Splash!
Nice. But I'm talking
almighty like Zeus.
He's got Heavens and the Earth.
You, you've got
water and a big fork.
If the River Styx were to alter its course
to, say, you know, include Greece...
Now, it's crazy talk.
Unless some aqua
deity with the power
to move rivers were to intervene
to make Greece part
of the underworld,
then, of course, it would
be my call who gets Athens.
Wait a minute! I could do that!
I can't give you Athens.
The jewel of Greek
city-states. Never.
Did I pull a fast one on
fish boy and the owl lover?
And what happened?
Ba-da-bing! I was the lord of Athens.
♪ Oh, flame-top is honing ♪
♪ A plan for rezoning ♪
♪ And takin' his show ♪
♪ On the road ♪
♪ Just look at him gloating ♪
♪ While busily boating ♪
♪ That ego must be ♪
♪ Quite a load ♪
Come on, ladies,
sing along with Hades.
♪ Let me show you
girls around in my town ♪
♪ New Hades ♪
♪ It sure beats living
underground in my town ♪
♪ I got a penthouse
out on Spark Avenue ♪
♪ I'd like you to see ♪
♪ Museums and
parks, works of art ♪
♪ Are all, hey,
dedicated to me ♪
♪ We'll shop at
Doom-and-Gloomingdale's ♪
♪ In my town ♪
♪ We'll dine tonight
in toga and tails ♪
♪ In, yeah, my town ♪
♪ I'm the host
who loves to toast ♪
♪ Know the job well done ♪
- ♪ In my town ♪
- ♪ In his town ♪
- I'm number one.
- Not in my book, you ain't.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I'm honored, I'm mayor, ♪
♪ I'm chief of police in ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ♪
- ♪ His town ♪
- Yeah.
♪ The hottest spot
in all of Greece ♪
♪ Says who ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ The Parthenon,
the crowning jewel ♪
♪ Could use my flare
for urban renewal ♪
What?
I'm just kidding. I
wouldn't change a thing.
I'm serious... not!
♪ His town ♪
Yeah! In my town!
Hey, you gotta
love it, don't ya?
Keys are with the valet, thank
you very much. Good night.
♪ His town ♪
But not for long, because
Athena rules today.
Ooh, you know, I got
a soft spot for Athens,
but my life, my love and my lady,
is the underworld. Ha-cha-cha!
But, boss, I thought you wanted to dump
the underworld and take over Olympus.
Just shut up and show
your clips, all right?
We got a clip reel.
We got a clip reel.
Now, sit back and watch some
mighty morphin' minions at work!
We're looking pretty
good here, partner.
Nobody morphs better.
What is that?
Ooh, a lion.
I got to say, that's
very impressive.
Thank you, Merv. We try.
Ooh, what was that?
What? You don't remember the
time I turned into a banana slug?
All right, all right, OK. Enough
with the stupid minion tricks.
Gosh, you know, it's not easy.
Being the most beautiful
god in the universe.
Make way for a
real special guest.
Helen and I demand
to have the spotlight.
- Well, when it's our turn.
- Excuse me. You guys got a minute?
Allow me to introduce myself.
Hades, lord of the dead.
Adonis, prince of threads.
You know, I've
been watching you.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got potential.
Really.
Oh, please. Adonis, he is the
very embodiment of evil. Ugh.
That's icky.
Oh, icky is it, Helen, babe?
Can I just say you need to be
a little more open-minded, huh?
You got to beyond the flames,
the fangs, the stench of death.
And, hey, I'm a regular guy
who happens to hate Hercules.
Well, what's not to hate?
Exactly. You care to
humiliate him Publicly together?
Love to. Ba-da-bing.
But first we need to hear
some important messages.
We'll be right back.
This is my show. I get to say...
We'll be right back!
No. I'll be right back.
Hey, and we're back with Adonis.
And Helen of Troy,
and we were just talking
about what a big
old loser Hercules is.
Just look at the dope.
This is a role model?
I believe we have
another volunteer.
Over here.
Oh, and look at this
gym. I rest my case.
Your geography
projects are all lovely.
Miss Cassiopeia, if
I may demonstrate?
It's a working model.
Nice, nice. You're great.
Why haven't we
gotten together before?
You have got what it takes to
succeed in the evil business.
Thank you. You're sweet.
Inspirational,
Adonis. Alpha-plus.
What's not to lava?
Lava.
Mr. Hercules.
Oh. This is rather
unconventional.
It's a map of the world.
Oh, dear. Well, I'll
give you an incomplete.
Perhaps you could
aspire to something more...
You just wait a minute.
I like Hercules. Frankly, he's
everything you two are not.
Snookums, how can you say that?
Well, you've done a lot of not
nice things in your time, Adonis,
But joining the lord of the
dead really takes the cake.
Whoa, whoa. Am I that bad a guy?
You don't know Hercules at all.
He's brave and sincere and,
well, I just have to sing about it.
♪ You haven't always been
the model of good taste ♪
♪ No, you've never
been the poster child ♪
♪ Of grace ♪
♪ But it's natural ♪
♪ To stumble and fall ♪
♪ When you're
striving to stand tall ♪
♪ No one said you had
the greatest fashion sense ♪
♪ Maybe once or twice
you've acted kind of dense ♪
♪ But you found your way ♪
♪ Out of the dark ♪
♪ And straight into my heart ♪
♪ And I want you to know ♪
♪ You're the light of my life ♪
♪ You're my bright sunny day
and my starry, starry night ♪
♪ Because you're
honest, brave, and true ♪
♪ You're my hero ♪
♪ Sometimes you've struggled
to impress the girls you liked ♪
♪ It's never easy living
up to high school hype ♪
♪ But a demigod
has a human side ♪
♪ And a heart too big to hide ♪
♪ And I want you to know ♪
♪ You're the light of my life ♪
♪ You're my bright sunny day
and my starry, starry night ♪
♪ Because you're
honest, brave, and true ♪
♪ You're my hero ♪
Yada, yada, yada.
Herky-jerky is a hero.
Bore me. Sit down.
You can make fun of me, But
don't you be mean to Hercules.
He can always be counted on to
come through when it matters most.
And that is correct, Helen.
Great. Spoilsport is back.
Hades, I demand
you release Mr. Griffin
and relinquish your evil
stranglehold on this quality show.
You want your spotlight back?
Come on. Come over here and take it.
That's just what I intend to do.
Oh, now, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. We are not barbarians here.
A talk show is no
place for fighting...
Unless it's my show
we're fighting for!
I think your show
biz days are over.
Hey! Nobody shuts me
up and gets away with it!
Well, Hades, it's
just you and me.
I must warn you, I have a
powerful weapon in my corner.
Oh, really, you do? What would that
be? Your uncle's stupid wingdings?
No, just, uh, something
from my father.
I'm sorry, wait a
minute. Did you say...
Father?
Hello, Hades.
You know, I think my son's old enough
to try his hand at the family business.
Smiting the wicked.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, Herc.
You know, I was just
kidding around here, huh?
I mean, you don't
want to toss that thing.
You know you
might hurt somebody.
Like, like me.
One, two... Three! OK!
Ladies and gentlemen,
can you beli...
Hercules and his father,
the king of the gods, Zeus.
Wow, what a show, And it just
keeps getting better and better.
Zeus, sir, would
you mind joining us?
Ha! I'd be glad to.
I always had a little
itch to get into show biz.
Well, there's so much I'd like to
ask you, but let's start with this.
You are the all-knowing
master of the universe.
Just what is the
meaning of life?
Oh, it's quite
simple, really, Merv.
You see, the
meaning of life is...
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. That
music means we are all out of time.
My thanks to Hercules,
Icarus, Helen of Troy, and Zeus!
We'll see y'all tomorrow.
Good night, everybody!
Guests of The Merv Griffin Show
stay at the luxurious Procrustean
Inn in the heart of midtown Athens.
Spend a night, not
an arm and a leg,
at the Procrustean Inn.
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ah, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
Live from the
celebrity amphitheater
on the corner of
Olive and Grapevine,
It's The Merv Griffin
Show, starring Merv Griffin.
Hey, thank you.
Well, we have a very
special guest for you today...
Extraordinary young man.
Stirring quite a buzz over
the whole Hellenic World.
He's a student, son of Zeus,
or son of a Zeus, and
one heck of a nice kid.
Put your hands
together for Hercules.
Well, welcome.
Good to see you again.
Oh, thanks, Merv.
It's great to be back.
You've been here before,
and it always intrigues me,
Your life as a demigod.
Oh, well, uh, I'm half-god
and half-mortal, so, uh,
sometimes I'm
stuck in the middle.
Fascinating. Well, let's hear
more about the real Hercules,
The boy behind the armor,
if you will. What's your story?
As you know, Merv, I
was born on Olympus,
but I was raised by my mortal
parents on a farm in Arcadia.
Go get 'em, son!
Hey, Ma. Hey, Pop.
It's a long way from
farm boy to wonder boy.
And guess what, folks,
we have some highlights of Hercules'
early career to view here tonight.
OK, uh, that's me.
That's me getting
ready to raise my sword.
Uh, sword's a little higher now.
Uh, Hercules, this is
only a half-hour show.
Oh, well, uh, if you want to speed
things up, I know just the guy.
Herc, babe, I am on the job.
Merv, you are such a
cat, and I mean that, man.
OK, let's get this scroll
rolling at a fast clip.
Clip? Hey, that's a
good name for this.
♪ Doesn't have what it takes ♪
♪ But maybe he'll get it ♪
♪ Maybe someday till
then those are the breaks ♪
♪ So why should he sweat it? ♪
♪ We'll try to tell him that ♪
♪ He's got to learn to
wait till the time is right ♪
♪ He's got to know his heart
before he starts to fight ♪
♪ And if anyone
could pull it off ♪
♪ Hercules might ♪
♪ So call him half a man ♪
♪ He's growin' day and night ♪
♪ Just give him half a chance
He's gonna do all right ♪
♪ Could anyone
do more than that? ♪
♪ Well, maybe he'll
do more than that ♪
♪ If anyone could pull it off ♪
♪ Hercules might ♪
So, you were saying.
Oh, right, uh... So, this is
my coach Phil and Pegasus.
A flying horse. Amazing.
Yeah. Phil's always taught me
that the secret to being a true
hero is to remember my hero rules.
Blech. Oh, man!
Hero rule number 72.
Number 33.
Number 88.
186.
Number 147.
Fee-fie-fo-fum.
Hero rule nine, giants are dumb.
Well, sometimes I don't
exactly remember them
as well as I should.
Ooh! That had to hurt.
Ouch.
Look out.
Ooh. This looks more like
low lights than highlights.
Yeah.
Uh, Hermes, maybe we could
skip over this part, you know?
Can the bloopers.
Got you covered.
Ah. There we go. That's better.
Now, what's the best part about
going to the elite Prometheus Academy?
The best part? Uh, gosh, I have to
say the friends that I've met there.
None better than
my best pal Icarus.
Hey, Icarus, you out there?
Hang on! I'm going
to be there in a jiffy.
Ow!
Yow! Mayday, mayday!
Ladies and gentlemen, you know him
as the kid who flew too close to the sun,
Icarus!
I think everybody wants to
know why wax for the wings?
And why the
fascination with the sun?
You really cut me
to the quick, Merv.
You want to break me, don't ya?
Playing with my head, trying to
make me cry like a big fat baby.
Well, I'm not going to fall for your
ratings-grabbing talk show tricks.
Oh, man! I'm a freak, Merv!
- He's your best friend really?
- Uh, yeah.
Icarus and I have been
through a lot together.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
The guy with the thing...
- The thing, yeah, and it was too, uh...
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I don't want to interrupt, but
what are you talking about?
Sorry. I just have some
stuff of Icarus and me, too.
Uncle Hermes, you
want to roll that stuff?
That depends. Do
I have to watch it?
Ha ha! "Do I have to
watch it?" You are killing...
Shut up!
♪ Who soars like
an eagle in flight? ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
♪ Who fights for the
right with his might? ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
♪ Who thwarts any threat
without breaking a sweat ♪
♪ And looks pretty
good in his tights? ♪
♪ That's me ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
♪ Icarus ♪
The sun is about to set,
but I will not allow
this temple to close.
I will not be moved.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Hey, that's me.
We get the idea. Right.
So, how convenient.
Ooh! Bring on the big "c," baby!
Hey, hey. Here's the time
Circe turned you into a platypus.
Oh, yeah, and a darn
nice platypus I was, too.
Oh, like it was a good thing.
At least you weren't a lemur.
Oh, and here's when we took
care of those stupid minions
who worked for Hades.
Ooh, you've tangled
with the fearsome Hades?
Now, that must have been scary.
No way. Herc eats that
big blowhard for breakfast.
Come on! Just look how
many times he's burned Hades.
The curtain was almost down!
Oh, yeah, I forgot
about that one.
Ciao, babe. Ciao.
I got to go. I got to
go shampoo my hair.
That's likely.
There goes my credit rating.
Does anybody feel
like a cup of coffee?
Oh, man, look at that jerk!
Puh-lease. He's not scaring anybody.
You know, Merv, he's
not as tough as he looks.
That's because he
looks like a nincompoop.
Ooh, that's funny. The
boss is a big nincom...
Poop.
He thinks he can make
a monkey out of me, huh?
Actually, your tenaciousness, I
think the word was "nincompoop."
I know what it was, thank you.
Come on, boys.
Merv doesn't know it,
But he's about to be canceled.
Hoo-hoo! He certainly
deserved that one.
He usually does.
Wow.
How about this one? Run
away as fast as you can.
Yes, fascinating.
Extraordinary footage,
really one-of-a-kind.
Will you cut that out?
This isn't your show. It's mine.
Correction! It's my show now.
Hades is in the house!
Hey, clear out,
cat. This is our gig.
Hey, the lounge loser and
his lingo, like, "beat it, cat."
Hey, Jercules, guess what?
News flash! You've been bumped.
You can't take my
show away like this.
That's right, mister.
You are in for a but...
Put a cork in it.
Athens, get ready, babies.
Because now I'm too hip, I can't stay.
I almost got to
go, but I'm here!
And now, dead, From the
underworld amphitheater,
on the corner of
Fire and Brimstone,
it's The Hades
Show, starring Hades!
And now here's... Hades!
All right, and
welcome to the show.
Let me just say how
great it is to be here.
I haven't had this much
fun since I helped my friend
the Cyclops shop for bifocals.
Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.
Sorry about that, but Hades
tossed me off The Merv Griffin Show,
and I hope you understand. I just...
Now if only I can find some way.
To defeat Hades.
So, where do I begin to tell
the story of the magic that is me?
Oh, I don't know.
Let's just show the
clips and dive right in.
It's all going to
be just fabulous.
Why are you stuck in
this backwater water?
You are obviously
almighty material.
But I'm mighty.
There. A tidal wave just
blew out Lemnos Beach.
Splash!
Nice. But I'm talking
almighty like Zeus.
He's got Heavens and the Earth.
You, you've got
water and a big fork.
If the River Styx were to alter its course
to, say, you know, include Greece...
Now, it's crazy talk.
Unless some aqua
deity with the power
to move rivers were to intervene
to make Greece part
of the underworld,
then, of course, it would
be my call who gets Athens.
Wait a minute! I could do that!
I can't give you Athens.
The jewel of Greek
city-states. Never.
Did I pull a fast one on
fish boy and the owl lover?
And what happened?
Ba-da-bing! I was the lord of Athens.
♪ Oh, flame-top is honing ♪
♪ A plan for rezoning ♪
♪ And takin' his show ♪
♪ On the road ♪
♪ Just look at him gloating ♪
♪ While busily boating ♪
♪ That ego must be ♪
♪ Quite a load ♪
Come on, ladies,
sing along with Hades.
♪ Let me show you
girls around in my town ♪
♪ New Hades ♪
♪ It sure beats living
underground in my town ♪
♪ I got a penthouse
out on Spark Avenue ♪
♪ I'd like you to see ♪
♪ Museums and
parks, works of art ♪
♪ Are all, hey,
dedicated to me ♪
♪ We'll shop at
Doom-and-Gloomingdale's ♪
♪ In my town ♪
♪ We'll dine tonight
in toga and tails ♪
♪ In, yeah, my town ♪
♪ I'm the host
who loves to toast ♪
♪ Know the job well done ♪
- ♪ In my town ♪
- ♪ In his town ♪
- I'm number one.
- Not in my book, you ain't.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I'm honored, I'm mayor, ♪
♪ I'm chief of police in ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ♪
- ♪ His town ♪
- Yeah.
♪ The hottest spot
in all of Greece ♪
♪ Says who ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ The Parthenon,
the crowning jewel ♪
♪ Could use my flare
for urban renewal ♪
What?
I'm just kidding. I
wouldn't change a thing.
I'm serious... not!
♪ His town ♪
Yeah! In my town!
Hey, you gotta
love it, don't ya?
Keys are with the valet, thank
you very much. Good night.
♪ His town ♪
But not for long, because
Athena rules today.
Ooh, you know, I got
a soft spot for Athens,
but my life, my love and my lady,
is the underworld. Ha-cha-cha!
But, boss, I thought you wanted to dump
the underworld and take over Olympus.
Just shut up and show
your clips, all right?
We got a clip reel.
We got a clip reel.
Now, sit back and watch some
mighty morphin' minions at work!
We're looking pretty
good here, partner.
Nobody morphs better.
What is that?
Ooh, a lion.
I got to say, that's
very impressive.
Thank you, Merv. We try.
Ooh, what was that?
What? You don't remember the
time I turned into a banana slug?
All right, all right, OK. Enough
with the stupid minion tricks.
Gosh, you know, it's not easy.
Being the most beautiful
god in the universe.
Make way for a
real special guest.
Helen and I demand
to have the spotlight.
- Well, when it's our turn.
- Excuse me. You guys got a minute?
Allow me to introduce myself.
Hades, lord of the dead.
Adonis, prince of threads.
You know, I've
been watching you.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got potential.
Really.
Oh, please. Adonis, he is the
very embodiment of evil. Ugh.
That's icky.
Oh, icky is it, Helen, babe?
Can I just say you need to be
a little more open-minded, huh?
You got to beyond the flames,
the fangs, the stench of death.
And, hey, I'm a regular guy
who happens to hate Hercules.
Well, what's not to hate?
Exactly. You care to
humiliate him Publicly together?
Love to. Ba-da-bing.
But first we need to hear
some important messages.
We'll be right back.
This is my show. I get to say...
We'll be right back!
No. I'll be right back.
Hey, and we're back with Adonis.
And Helen of Troy,
and we were just talking
about what a big
old loser Hercules is.
Just look at the dope.
This is a role model?
I believe we have
another volunteer.
Over here.
Oh, and look at this
gym. I rest my case.
Your geography
projects are all lovely.
Miss Cassiopeia, if
I may demonstrate?
It's a working model.
Nice, nice. You're great.
Why haven't we
gotten together before?
You have got what it takes to
succeed in the evil business.
Thank you. You're sweet.
Inspirational,
Adonis. Alpha-plus.
What's not to lava?
Lava.
Mr. Hercules.
Oh. This is rather
unconventional.
It's a map of the world.
Oh, dear. Well, I'll
give you an incomplete.
Perhaps you could
aspire to something more...
You just wait a minute.
I like Hercules. Frankly, he's
everything you two are not.
Snookums, how can you say that?
Well, you've done a lot of not
nice things in your time, Adonis,
But joining the lord of the
dead really takes the cake.
Whoa, whoa. Am I that bad a guy?
You don't know Hercules at all.
He's brave and sincere and,
well, I just have to sing about it.
♪ You haven't always been
the model of good taste ♪
♪ No, you've never
been the poster child ♪
♪ Of grace ♪
♪ But it's natural ♪
♪ To stumble and fall ♪
♪ When you're
striving to stand tall ♪
♪ No one said you had
the greatest fashion sense ♪
♪ Maybe once or twice
you've acted kind of dense ♪
♪ But you found your way ♪
♪ Out of the dark ♪
♪ And straight into my heart ♪
♪ And I want you to know ♪
♪ You're the light of my life ♪
♪ You're my bright sunny day
and my starry, starry night ♪
♪ Because you're
honest, brave, and true ♪
♪ You're my hero ♪
♪ Sometimes you've struggled
to impress the girls you liked ♪
♪ It's never easy living
up to high school hype ♪
♪ But a demigod
has a human side ♪
♪ And a heart too big to hide ♪
♪ And I want you to know ♪
♪ You're the light of my life ♪
♪ You're my bright sunny day
and my starry, starry night ♪
♪ Because you're
honest, brave, and true ♪
♪ You're my hero ♪
Yada, yada, yada.
Herky-jerky is a hero.
Bore me. Sit down.
You can make fun of me, But
don't you be mean to Hercules.
He can always be counted on to
come through when it matters most.
And that is correct, Helen.
Great. Spoilsport is back.
Hades, I demand
you release Mr. Griffin
and relinquish your evil
stranglehold on this quality show.
You want your spotlight back?
Come on. Come over here and take it.
That's just what I intend to do.
Oh, now, wait a minute. Wait a
minute. We are not barbarians here.
A talk show is no
place for fighting...
Unless it's my show
we're fighting for!
I think your show
biz days are over.
Hey! Nobody shuts me
up and gets away with it!
Well, Hades, it's
just you and me.
I must warn you, I have a
powerful weapon in my corner.
Oh, really, you do? What would that
be? Your uncle's stupid wingdings?
No, just, uh, something
from my father.
I'm sorry, wait a
minute. Did you say...
Father?
Hello, Hades.
You know, I think my son's old enough
to try his hand at the family business.
Smiting the wicked.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, Herc.
You know, I was just
kidding around here, huh?
I mean, you don't
want to toss that thing.
You know you
might hurt somebody.
Like, like me.
One, two... Three! OK!
Ladies and gentlemen,
can you beli...
Hercules and his father,
the king of the gods, Zeus.
Wow, what a show, And it just
keeps getting better and better.
Zeus, sir, would
you mind joining us?
Ha! I'd be glad to.
I always had a little
itch to get into show biz.
Well, there's so much I'd like to
ask you, but let's start with this.
You are the all-knowing
master of the universe.
Just what is the
meaning of life?
Oh, it's quite
simple, really, Merv.
You see, the
meaning of life is...
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. That
music means we are all out of time.
My thanks to Hercules,
Icarus, Helen of Troy, and Zeus!
We'll see y'all tomorrow.
Good night, everybody!
Guests of The Merv Griffin Show
stay at the luxurious Procrustean
Inn in the heart of midtown Athens.
Spend a night, not
an arm and a leg,
at the Procrustean Inn.