Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 47 - Hercules and the Yearbook - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

After striving his whole
life to return to Olympus,

Hercules turned down immortality
in favor of a mortal life on Earth.

With the woman he loved, Megara.

Uh, Bobby, baby, aren't you
getting a little ahead of yourself?

Our show is about Hercules
in his teenage years.

Bear with me, ladies,
please, just this once.

All right, Bob, but there better
be some teen shenanigans in this.

Yes, yes, we'll be getting
jiggy with the boy, I assure you.

Hercules and Megara
lived happily ever after,

but what happens
after "ever after"?

Well, they settled
down in Thebes.

Actually, it was a
suburb of Thebes.

Thebes proper was no
place to raise a family.

Oh, yeah, that one goes
up there with the others.

Uh, you know what? Allow me.

Ah. There.

Gee, that's real... subtle.

Oh, yeah? You like it?

I thought we could use some of my hero
mementos to, you know, decorate the place.

Herc, you've, um, managed to
erect a hero monument in every room.

I'm sorry, honey. I just, you
know, want you to be proud of me.

You big ox, I don't need statues
to remind me how great you are.

I've got the real thing.

Where do you all want this one?

Oops.

Huh. What is this stuff? It
says "Prometheus Acad..."

Oh, no!

Hermes.

Yo, babe.

Take this back to
Phil's island, will you?

Hey, isn't this, uh... Now.

Whoo. Touchy.

Epsilon Haul-It moving
company won't be held responsible

for any items lost due
to divine intervention.

Oh, yeah, no problem.
That's, uh, uh, that's great.

Ah, well, let's get back to...

Not so fast, bicep
boy. What's in the jar?

In the uh... Nothing.

Fine. I'll just catch up with
Hermes And see for myself.

No, no, wait, uh, I'll tell you.

It's just filled with some dumb
stuff from... high school, that's all.

High school? I have got to...

Oh, no, no. No, no. I mean, we,
uh, we got so much left to unpack.

So, you know, let's forget
all about the high school stuff

and, and get back to work
'cause... you know, hon?

What are you hiding, wonder boy?

Hey, Meg, I'm going to
need your opinion here.

Aw, come on.

You're not mad just because I
wouldn't let you look at that stupid urn?

Pegasus! No, she wouldn't.

She couldn't.

She did.

Tell me you're not
taking the scenic route.

Looking for something, sister?

When Hermes showed up with this,
I figured you wouldn't be far behind.

Score one for the satyr.

I don't get it, Phil.
What's the big secret?

Well, high school wasn't exactly
the most graceful period of Herc's life.

He's kind of
embarrassed about it.

Aw, how bad could it have been?

Bad.

D'oh!

Oy! He was a one-man hurricane.

A-ha!

Here it is, the Prometheus
Academy yearbook.

Now let's see,
Hercules, Hercules...

Hey, give the kid a break. They
took that on his first day of school.

So, Phil, what was it
like raising a wonder boy?

What was it like? Sisyphus
got off easy compared to me.

Oh, come on. Herc's been
a boy scout his whole life.

He couldn't have
been that much trouble.

Oh, no? What would you say
if I told you he sank this island?

I'd say tell me more.

Well, as I remember it...

Bye-bye.

I was out of town for the weekend and
Herc got it in his head to have a party.

The whole island to myself!

So, uh, what do
you want to do first?

Of course, he
couldn't pull it off

without a little
divine intervention.

Bacchus, uh, wait.

If you're not too busy tonight,
could you liven up my party?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know, make it
more of a bacchanal.

The son of Zeus?
Are you kidding?

I'm there. It's party time.

Lend me your ears.

♪ Here's an open invitation ♪

♪ To the finest
feast in Greece ♪

♪ It's an awesome celebration ♪

♪ Guaranteed to
disturb the peace ♪

♪ It's a jamming extravaganza ♪

♪ With a hot
cucaracha beat, whoo ♪

♪ You don't need
to ask directions ♪

♪ No, no, just follow
your dancing feet ♪

♪ At the bacchanal
It's a non-stop party ♪

Oh, look at me. I'm dancing!

♪ The biggest smash that
Bacchus has ever thrown ♪

Whoo!

♪ People wall to wall ♪

♪ Gonna party hardy ♪

Hey!

♪ We'll boogie to the beat
till the sheep come home ♪

♪ Grapes juice you'll snatch
up straight from the fountain ♪

♪ Shake it up and slide
down the mountain ♪

♪ Strike a pose so
everyone knows you're cool ♪

♪ Grip those hips and
move to the conga ♪

♪ Steal a kiss,
scream "cowabunga!" ♪

♪ Mosh pit meltdown ♪

Everyone in the pool! Me first.

♪ At the bacchanal
It's a non-stop party ♪

Boom! Boom!

♪ The biggest bash that
Bacchus has ever thrown... ♪

Herc's bacchanal was a big hit.

Unfortunately for Herc,
Poseidon likes his beauty rest.

♪ You're sure to have
a ball at the bacchanal ♪

Oh, poor Herc. He must have
felt like the king of the dorks.

Oh, no, no, no.

That honor went to
his best friend Icarus.

Oh, uh, Herc told me about him.

He's the kid who flew
too close to the sun, right?

Bingo.

Yeah, he looks a little geeky, but
he at least had a girlfriend, right?

Icarus thought
he had a girlfriend.

Cassandra didn't
quite see it that way.

Ah!

Any last requests?

Yes, I request the opportunity

to recite a love poem I wrote
for my sweet Cassandra.

I request you gag
him immediately.

Your gallows humor.

So apropos to this moment.

Hey, the Argonauts
of the Aegean ride!

Come, my sweet.

Let us set sail with
the wildest crew

that ever sought a
sacred shag. Yar!

Wait. Is this that underground
boat ride in the dark?

Really dark. Give you any ideas?

Yeah, nobody will see me
push you overboard. Let's go.

The ladies go wild for
sardine and onion breath.

Isn't that right, honey?

Oh, loveykins, you ever see a guy bring
up a whole date smoothie through his nose?

Please, watch.

Ta-da!

You know, baby, if you ever
wanted me out of your life,

I love you enough that
I would get right out.

- Get out.
- Like a bat out of the underworld,

- you could color me gone.
- Leave. Get out. Go.

I mean, if you love
something, you set it free, right?

Icarus was one odd kid.

So what ever happened to him?

He went into manufacturing
with his dad and made a fortune.

You've probably seen his
ads, "Icarus the wax wing king."

And Cassandra?

She got recruited by the
Oracle friends network.

Now they call her the
psychic cynic to the stars.

Whoa! I had
forgotten all about this.

What?

No, I don't think so. I've
shown you too much already.

Come on, Phil. It
can't be that bad.

Oh, no. This is different.

If the kid knew I
showed you this...

Right. What could be more
embarrassing than sinking your island?

Well, how about... No!

This.

Herc, so glad you could make it.

So, are we going to have story time
or do I have to shear your little pal?

It's not my fault. She made me do
it. I take no responsibility, and... Uh...

I'm out of here.

Oh, Meg, how could you?

Oh, can you blame a girl

for wanting to know what her man
was like in his wonder boy years?

All right. You win. But I
warn you, it isn't pretty.

It was intern week and I thought I
landed the coolest job ever at Gyro Wurld.

And, finally, Hercules, spawn of
Zeus, Shall report to Gyro Wurld.

Yes! I get to work
at hero world.

Not "hero," "Gyro Wurld,"
home of the tasty lamb sandwich.

Where our slogan is...

Make mine mutton.

Yes! You're a natural.

Oh, mutton boy?

Oops.

Ah! I can't take
this anymore. I quit.

- Oh, don't quit.
- That would be bad.

My father backed me up 100%.

He even got me a better
job, driving Apollo's chariot.

If it makes you happy,

I'll assume full
responsibility for his actions.

Apollo, you have
nothing to worry about.

Whoa! See you later.

Of course, I couldn't
resist showing off.

- Whoo-hoo! Adonis!
- What?

How's this for a job?

That's when Hades made his move.

Target acquired and vectored in.

Oh, no.

How should I know
where the sun is?

You think I'm
omniscient or something?

Yes.

I don't want to say, you know,
that you're falling down on the job,

but, hey, timber!

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if
these guys call for a no-confidence vote

and put some, you
know, deserving god up

as a replacement for you,
you know, some guy, like, uh...

A replacement? Forget it, Hades.

I'm Zeus, lord of Olympus,

and my fellow gods would
never vote to unseat me, right?

All right, enough chitchat.
Let's rock the vote.

Herc, you got to
get out of there.

You can't have
more than 10 seconds

before the whole thing
blows sky-high, baby.

Things looked
pretty dark for a while,

but it all worked
out in the end.

Hey, but wasn't this an interesting
experiment in democracy?

Really, folks, huh?

Zeus, come on, baby.
No, don't do anything rash

'cause I'm, you know,
I'm your baby brother.

I'm your little kid brother.

Remember those
games we used to play?

How about this one? Run
away as fast as you can.

Lost suns, sinking islands,

wow, your teen years
made for a real shindig, Herc.

Yeah, there was always some
disaster around the corner.

So, this is the real reason you
didn't want me to see this stuff.

Uh-oh. Well, her
name was Galatea.

Oh, she's beautiful, perfect.

Beautiful? Yes. Perfect? No.

You see, the Aphrodisia
Dance was coming up

and I... I couldn't get a date.

Then Icarus and I had an idea.

Finished.

Hey, you were
going for a gorgon?

Uh, well, Aphrodite
will get the idea.

We made a woman out of
clay and summoned Aphrodite.

♪ Aphrodite ♪

So what can I do for you?

Uh, ha ha, could you
bring her to life, please?

I, uh, need a
date for the dance.

Ooh. All right, I'm
thinking makeover.

OK, good. A... A
little more curvy?

Uh, OK, that's curvy
enough for you, young man.

That's it. She's perfect.

Oh, thank you, Aphrodite.

Aren't you forgetting something?

The corsage!

Hello? Her personality?

Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

Uh, just make her,
uh, crazy about me.

Digging deep, huh? OK,
here's your dream date.

Hercules, meet Galatea.

She's everything
you've asked for.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

She made Galatea exactly
what I wanted her to be.

Oh, yeah, she's a keeper.

And that's where
it all went wrong.

Galatea, let me tell you.
Hercules is so kind and cute.

He's a total doll.

She's already making
friends with Helen.

Look at Hercules again and
I will rip out your vocal cords.

Okey-dokey.

It's an insult to the gods to
award this honor to Jercules.

I won't have you talking
to Hercules like that.

Galatea, put Adonis down.

I don't want you to hurt him.

You don't? Well, OK, then.

Oh, I would never, ever do
anything to displease you.

Galatea, we've got to talk.

You're a nice girl,

perfect, even, in some ways,

but I don't think
this is working out.

Is it me? 'Cause
I... I can change.

Would you like
me taller? Shorter?

Something more exotic?

I'm sorry, Galatea,
but it's over.

It can't be over!

No, I won't let you go.
Don't you understand?

I'm crazy about you.

Come with me,
if you want to live.

I'm back! Miss me?

Hercules, you...
me... dance... now.

Sorry, Galatea, but
I'm sitting this one out.

Please, please, don't
panic. Get out of my way.

Don't play hard-to-get.

Galatea!

Oh!

Fortunately, Aphrodite
fixed everything, sort of.

Trouble with the
little lady, Hercules?

Galatea deserved better. She
deserved to be her own person.

Galatea, I'm sorry.
May I have this dance?

Oh, Hercules, that
would be wonderful

if I felt that way about you,
which I don't, and I'm sorry,

but you know what?
It's not you, it's me.

You made a woman out of clay?

I... I was a teenage boy.

It seemed like a
really good idea.

But, you know, as
disastrous as that was,

that was nothing
compared to graduation day.

And so as you head
out into the world,

your hearts are filled with
dreams and expectations,

mostly because you're woefully
ignorant of the dismal job market.

Everyone was gathered for
the commencement ceremony,

everyone except me.

I'm going to be
late for graduation.

I'm going to be
late for graduation.

Oh, man, I can't be
late for graduation.

But I finally made
it just in time.

And so your high school education
comes to a glorious conclusion,

except for Adonis, who is one credit short
and will have to attend summer school.

I now pronounce you all
Prometheus Academy graduates.

Yahoo!

Oops.

I, uh, bet you don't get invited
back for alumni weekends.

See? This is why I didn't
want you to see any of this stuff.

Now you're going to think
of me as that geeky loser.

I want you to think of
me as I am now, a hero.

Oh, you big lug. So you went
through an awkward phase.

You know what? It made
you the hero you are today.

♪ You were awkward
in high school ♪

♪ A little unsure ♪

♪ Had a case of the
clumsies that needed a cure ♪

♪ But the most precious gems
have their roots in the rough ♪

♪ Just like my hero ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ Made a number of
blunders But haven't we all? ♪

♪ Still you always
worked wonders ♪

♪ With your back to the wall ♪

♪ Though I'm duly impressed ♪

♪ With this fisticuff stuff ♪

♪ It's just a small part of ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ There have been
hits, a few misses ♪

♪ One or two in-betweens ♪

♪ A couple of kisses ♪

♪ And some devilish dreams ♪

♪ You've fought
monstrous battles ♪

♪ Made some narrow escapes ♪

♪ But I'm much more in
awe of your character traits ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
gentle and kind ♪

♪ And you never give up ♪

♪ This is what makes you ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

♪ I thank Zeus for this gift ♪

♪ From Olympus above ♪

♪ My number one hero ♪

♪ The man that I love ♪

Special delivery.

What's that?

Well, when I figured
out what you were up to,

I sent Hermes on a
special mission to retrieve...

your high school yearbook.

No, you wouldn't.

Aw, come on, Meg.

There can't be anything
embarrassing in your past, can there?

Oh, well, lookie here.

Our little Megara
was a... A cheerleader!

Give me that.

- Ha! Look at your hair.
- That was the style of the time.

Uh, you were in the Glee Club?