Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 45 - Hercules and the Aetolian Amphora - full transcript

♪ Who put the
glad in gladiator ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold ♪

♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ What a guy ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Ask his friends ♪



♪ Honey they won't lie ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ The boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one zero zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ Zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪



Wait and see.

Ancient Greece...
land of heroes,

hotbed of mythology,

and a great place to
lease or buy an amphora.

Honey, what are you doin'?

Why, narrating, of course.

I am, after all, the narrator.

Not today, baby. Didn't
you get the memo?

"Guest Narrator sittin' in."

Oh, well, that's just great.

I give this show the
best years of my life,

and this is the thanks I get,

shoved aside by some hack?

It's Hercules.

Don't you think I know
what show this is?

Of all the outrageous...

The narrator is Hercules.

This is my boo. He's
got a special story to tell.

Well, shut my mouth.

And... and... and when Ajax
slipped on the olive oil, ha!

It was hilarious!

Icarus laughed so hard, grape
juice came out of his nose.

Ha ha! You should've
been there, Cassandra. Ha!

Imagine my disappointment.

Whoa! Ha ha!

It's hard to believe
that just yesterday

I was your typical carefree
teenage demigod hero-in-training.

All that changed when
she walked into my life.

But this story
begins before her.

It starts with him.

Shocked, shocked, I tell you.

Steal my amphora.

Ugh. Unbelievable. Well?

Well... it's a lovely day.

If it, uh, doesn't rain.

Heh heh heh heh. Come on.

- He got away.
- That's it, huh? Good.

That's all you have to
say about the crime wave

that's sweeping the
underworld, that's fine.

So a guy sneaked in and
stole some lethe water.

It's not such a big deal, Boss.

Very true, sir.

The Pool of Forgetfulness
is deep and bountiful and...

Aah!

What were we just talkin' about?

Ugh. Ok, look. Ugh.

Page one... I am a
God with a reputation.

If I let one little thief get
away, hey, my rep's shot,

word gets out...
"Hades, he's losin' it.

Forget about him"...

Dead souls flee back
to the land of the living,

Minions get uppity, total chaos!

So here's what you're gonna do.

Find the lethe water.

You want to take notes on this?

Bring it back, and 3:
Make someone pay!

Or I'm gonna make an
example of you two insects.

¿Comprendeis, bandidos?

Uh, excuse me. Who are you?

Heh heh. We'll
get right on it, chief.

Oh, yeah. It's all
coming back to me now.

Aah!

So, that happened,

and then she
walked into my life.

Wait. Oh, you know
what? I almost forgot.

Th-there's one other thing
that's important to this story, too.

2 things, actually...

Fear and Terror,
the sons of Aries.

Yeah!

Whoo!

They're not exactly the
sharpest spears in the bunch.

Check it out!

2 tickets, Spartan
Amphitheater, Friday night!

The never look back tour.

We're goin' to see Orpheus!

Ok, please remain attentive
throughout the following.

These incredibly hard-to-score
tickets will remain there,

safe and untouched
until the magical moment

we leave for the show.

I gotta hold 'em!

Come here! Hey, come on!

- Hey, they're mi...
- Hey!

Fear! Terror!

Dad.

There's a word called privacy.

Do you get the definition of it?

Uh... could you
use it in a sentence?

Privacy? Ha!

As long as you're
living in my temple,

you'll do what I
say when I say it.

I think Dad's bringing his
work home with him again.

I go out to kick off
a couple of wars,

and I come home to this.

Frutacles! Hydesco!

Lookin' large!

When I left, these dogs of war

were lean, mean
mauling machines,

and now look at them.

You fed them table
scraps, didn't you?

Yeah, and couch scraps and
chair scraps and curtain scraps

and, um... scrapple
scraps. Anyway, scraps.

And cow.

I've levelled entire
city-states for less than this.

What am I going
to do with you two?

I've got it. You're grounded!

I'm afraid not, Dad.

We're going to the
Orpheus concert Friday night.

Not anymore. Ha ha ha ha!

Bummer.

I don't care what Dad says.

I'm goin'.

You think Dad's going to just
forget that he grounded us?

I wish he'd just
forget the whole thing.

Aha.

Ok, Ok. Back to the real story.

I went out for a snack,

but what I got was a
crash course in love

in the temple of hard knocks...

courtesy of her.

Huh?

I, uh, hear you're a hero.

Want to prove it?

Oh, well, I... I... I...
yeah. Sure. Uh...

I-I-I-in training,
but of course, yeah.

Are you always this articulate?

Oh, heh heh heh.
Not... not... not...

Not sometimes.

I'll interpret for him.

Hi, I'm Hercules.
Nice to meet you.

Heh. Heh heh. Uh-huh.

Likewise, I'm sure.

- My name's...
- Megera!

So, you came all the way
to Athens just to see me.

How charming.

Of course, who could blame you?

There's so much to see.

Get over yourself, Prince.
I'm here for the hero.

Jerkules? How droll.

Accept the truth.
You're under my spell.

But, uh... Ta-ta, Megera.

Ugh.

You seem to know
Adonis pretty well.

Ugh. I went on one
blind date with the jerk.

Frankly, I'd like to
forget the whole thing.

Great! I mean... I mean, uh,

it's great that you're
tryin' to get past it.

So, uh, how can I help you?

My grandma's prize
amphora was stolen.

It's been in the
family for generations.

It was all she had,
and now it's gone.

It would be my privilege
to help you, miss.

Please, it's Meg.

Meg.

I can't pay you much.

Actually, I can't
pay you anything.

I would never accept
payment for an act of heroism.

To do so would violate
hero rule number 26...

A hero never accepts
payment for an act of heroism.

Is wonder boy for real?

So real, he's surreal.

Let's get started.

Uh, where should we start?

I'll, uh, tell you on the way.

I should've told her no.

I should've gone
straight home to bed,

but that's not how it
works when you're a hero...

in training.

See, Meg told me

we were looking for her
grandmother's amphora,

but that wasn't exactly true.

In fact, it was a big, fat lie.

It was Hades' amphora
filled with lethe water,

and Meg paid a
centaur to get it.

She was just using me to make
sure he didn't try anything funny.

Of course, I didn't
know that at the time.

It turns out there
were a lot of things

I didn't know then...

not that I'm some kind of
know-it-all now, mind you,

but at least I know, uh... uh...

what was I saying?

Now, there's a guy inside

who could have some
information on my amphora.

And you want me to
ask him some questions.

No. I don't want you to say
a thing if you don't have to.

You're the muscle
in this operation.

Hey, what?

Shh. Come on.

Evenin', ladies.

Lookin' lovely as
always, sweetheart.

Ha ha ha ha!

Enjoy, girls.

Try the gumbo. It's marvellous.

Whoa, whoa.

Hold it, Juniors. Nice try.

Why don't you come back
when you're all grown up?

But we have to get inside.

It's a matter of great urgency.

Here's a drachma, baby.

Go call someone
who cares. All right?

Let me guess.

Beneath those muscles,
you're a big softie, right?

A girl can tell.

I got feelings.

Well, tonight is
our anniversary.

One month ago, we met in here,

and it was love at first sight.

We mean everything
to each other,

right, honey lamb?

Wha?

Oh, oh, uh, yeah, yeah. Ahem.

Yes, we... we... we do.

So, how about it?

You kids make a nice couple,

but you're not
goin' in, sweetheart.

Now beat it. Scram. Skaboo.

- Listen, you.
- Ok. Here we go.

We'll just, uh, step right...

Right this... right
this... Back here.

Ugh!

That was, uh, some story.

Imagine us as a couple.

I mean, not that I can
imagine, of course.

I mean, you seem like
a very nice, uh, person.

Focus, wonder boy. The
idea is for us to get inside.

Oh, I know this
place. We'll get in.

When?

Wait for it.

Get back here, Pony Boy.

After you.

So, I met his fist
with my hoof, right?

It was fist, hoof, fist, hoof,

like this. Bam! Kick!

It's a pretty tough
crowd in here,

so you better let
me handle it, Meg.

Meg? Meg!

Oh!

- You're spookin' me. Beat it.
- Huh?

Hey, Horse Lips.

Where is it?

Oh, well. If it
isn't the little girl.

How'd you find me?

Easy. I just followed the smell.

- Ha ha ha!
- Ha ha ha!

Look, we had a deal.
Where's the amphora?

Excuse me. How
much for that amphora?

All you've got.

Deal.

Let's just say I
got a better offer.

So then where's my money?

Let's just say it's
tied up right now.

I have a very
diversified portfolio.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You want to make
somethin' of it?

Let's just say I'll make
something of it for her.

I must warn you, though,
I'm a hero-in-training.

Easy, wonder boy.

Hey, I don't want
to fight... fair.

One chump, corner pocket.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

My jaw hurt, and I
wasn't seein' too clearly.

Little did I know that
before the night was through,

I'd get hurt
worse... a lot worse.

They say that only fools rush in

where heroes fear to tread,

but what happens when
you're a hero and a fool?

I was about to find out.

I told you to let me handle it.

It's time to try things my way.

We've talked to
almost every lowlife

in the tri-city-state area...

and no word on Hades' amphora.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Where is that amphora?

- Jerkules here?
- And he's asking about the amphora.

Let's get a closer look.

Easy, pal. I don't have it.

I sent a Grecian parcel
service to the highest bidder.

Can I help you?

No, no, no, not at all.

Where'd you send it?

To the Temple of
Aries... in Sparta.

I don't think you
want to go there.

Don't think. It
doesn't suit you.

Come on, wonder boy.

Let's go. They're getting away.

Relax.

We know where they're goin'.
Try a chicken wing. They're free.

Free, you say. Mmm. Spicy.

The Temple of Aries,

about the last place on
Earth you'd pick for a first date.

Not that I view a heroic
mission as a date, of course,

but there was
somethin' about Meg.

I couldn't take
my eyes off of her.

- What?
- Nothing.

Well, uh, I was just wondering

why would you pay that centaur

to give back something he
stole from your grandmother?

Oh, it's, uh, ahem,
simple, really.

I, uh... he, uh... Look!

Yeah, please sign
here, Mr. Terror,

and here and initial
here, and we're good.

Fear and Terror!

- Who?
- Aries' sons.

They're not too bright.

Wait here.

How's that?

Straighten it a little.

- What about now?
- Perfect-a-doodle-doo.

Now we call Dad.

- Yeah.
- He comes runnin'.

Yeah.

And when he opens the door...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What?

Uh, the lethe
water falls on him,

and he forgets we're
grounded, right?

Oh, right. Right. Ha! Good one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok. Ready?

- Oh, say, Dad!
- Oh, uh, Dad.

- Hey, Dad.
- Dad.

Hey, check this out over here!

Would you like to come
over here for a while?

- Shh. Shh.
- Hee hee.

I thought I said
wait back there.

Yeah. You said wait. I said no.

Shh. All right.
That's their room.

Open the door already, Dad.

Wider. Come on. Really push it.

Huh. That's not Dad.

Uh-oh.

It didn't spill.

There's something inside?

Uh, yeah. It's lethe water.

Duh, duh. Our lethe water.

Hold it right there.

Lethe water from the
underworld that makes you forget?

Yeah.

When were you gonna tell me?

Do you think we could discuss
this later somewhere else?

Um, excuse me. Can we move now?

Yeah, 'cause we really
need to beat you up

and get that amphora back.

Let us out!

Unh! Uhh!

Meg, help me get this.

I'm sorry, wonder
boy. Truly I am.

I didn't get it at first.

Then it hit me like
a ton of marble.

She wasn't coming back.

She got what she wanted and ran.

This did not bode
well for a second date.

Meg!

Fear and Terror were
about to bust down the door.

To have any chance of catching
Meg, I had to act and act fast.

Come on.

Let us out. Come on.

Meg isn't so easy to catch.

Oh! Hey. Let me go.

Ugh. Who are you?

- Hades sent us.
- To get back...

- Unh!
- This.

All right. Fine. You
got what you wanted.

- Let me go.
- Sorry.

Someone has to
pay for this crime.

And you're takin'
the rap, sister.

That's not fair.

Hey, nobody ever said
the afterlife was fair.

Unh. Hey!

Meg. She used me to
get what she wanted,

and then she dumped me
like yesterday's garbage.

Sure, I went after
her, but it was no use.

She was gone like the
Mediterranean breeze.

I don't want to remember Meg,

but I know I'll
never forget her,

and that's my sad story.

I saw her.

- Excuse me?
- The girl with the amphora,

I saw her come
out of the temple.

Well, why didn't
you say something?

I got wrapped up in your story.

She got dragged away
by a couple of imps.

- What kind of imps?
- Impish imps. I don't know.

One was green, the
other kind of magenta.

About this tall?

- Uh-huh.
- Pain and Panic.

Meg's in trouble.

Say, you're not gonna help her, are
you? After the way she treated you?

Whew. You two don't
exactly come out of the story

looking like geniuses.

- Huh?
- Uh, did we miss something?

Forget it. He went that way.

All right.

Come on.

Let me go.

Knock it off.

You're only making
this worse for yourself.

You're taking me to the underworld
so Hades can punish me for all eternity.

How much worse can it get?

- She's got a point.
- Ok. We'll give you that one.

- Now come on.
- Hey!

Looking for this?

- Wonder boy?
- Go home, hero.

This is none of your business.

I'm making it my
business. Let her go.

- Don't be a sap.
- She used you.

- Forget her.
- I can't. I tried.

Why'd you do it, Meg?

I wanted to forget a guy.

He must be quite a guy for you
to need lethe water to forget him.

No, that's the worst
part. He's a jerk,

and I only went
out with him once,

but I can't get the vain,
arrogant prince out of my mind.

Wait a minute.
The guy is Adonis?

I don't get it. Maybe
if I was more like him,

I'd have better
luck with the girls.

Forget it, wonder boy. I
liked you from the beginning.

I was... I was just afraid that
if you knew the truth about me,

you wouldn't want to help.

Really? From the beginning?

Isn't that sweet?

How about a trade?

You take the
amphora, and I get Meg.

Not so fast.

We paid good money for this.

That amphora belongs to Hades.

Exactly, uh, how
much did you pay for it?

Hand it over, pal,
and nobody gets hurt.

And who's gonna make me, you?

Thanks for coming after me.

You really are a hero.

Aw. It was nothin'.

Come on, drop it!

Come on.

Oh, man. The water's all gone.

Drag. What are we gonna
do about the Orpheus concert?

Maybe I can
interest you in a refill.

For the right price. Ha ha ha!

What about Hades?

Oh, we'll think of something
to tell him, I'm sure.

What of them?

Forget 'em.

Oh, uh, let me help you, miss.

Thanks, but no,
thanks. I'm a big girl.

Excuse me, but do you
know how we got here?

Haven't a clue.

Um, can I help you get home?

Uh, I can handle it.

Well, see you around... maybe.

You never can tell.

And so Hercules and
Megera lived happily ever after.

The end.

Whoa. Hang on. They
just forgot they ever met.

What's so happy about that?

Well, it's a long story,

and we're kind of
pressed for time.

Oh, come on, Bobby,
baby. Give me a little hint.

Oh, all right. Hercules
grows up, and Hades...

Ooh, say no more,
honey. I'm happy already.

Hello, Hunkules.

That's quite enough. Thank you.

See you next time.

Wait! I want to see more.

Come on back here.