Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 44 - Hercules and the Arabian Night - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

I'm a hero in training.

Brrr!

Make a left, boom.
Hercules cuts me off.

I fake right, bam!
He intercepts.

What do I gotta do to get
this mutt out of my face?

Uh, pardon us, oh, scheming one.

What?

We're having some
difficulty with a new arrival.

He doesn't quite
"fit in," shall we say?

They sent another
live one? What?

No, no. This is different.

Yeah! Oh! This one
gives us the willies!

Ay! Chicken minions. All right.

OK, so... What's
the riff on the stiff?

He was right there!

Yeah! A real complainer!

OK. What did he look like?

Tall, uh, dark, um...
W-well-dressed.

And his beard was
so, uh... Twisted?

I'm assuming that was
just a lucky guess, right?

Behind you.

Aah! Aah!

Are you in charge here?

Hades, lord of the
underworld. How you doing?

Your host with the ghosts.

Charmed. You see, there's
been a grievous error.

Clerical!

Oh, of course! I'm sorry!
It's a mistake, of course.

Tell me a new one. Face it. Come
on. You are, to put it gently, dead.

OK? Wrong side of the grass.

Let's start focusing on the
quality-of-the-afterlife thing.

So why don't you take a
dip in the ol' River Styx here

- and sayonara, babe. OK?
- This is an outrage.

I am Jafar, the
scourge of Agrabah,

once the most powerful
sorcerer in the world!

Good for you, you big
scary boogerhead, you.

Whoo! Booga, booga, booga!

Get him out of
here, will you, boys?

Right! Come on, troublemaker!

What is this?

Trying to overthrow someone
else's kingdom, hmm?

Yeah, Mount Olympus,
actually. It's, uh, uh... Excuse me.

I, myself, endeavored to
seize the throne of Agrabah.

I was even an all-powerful,
immortal genie...

briefly.

Something must've gone
way wrong, don't you think, pal?

An impudent young street
rat named Aladdin interfered

and unraveled all my carefully
laid plans of deceit and conquest.

Really? Hmm?

You don't say?

Hey, uh, do you like ambrosia?

So Jercules actually carries the
sun out of here, and Zeus wins again.

This kid is driving me meshuga.

This foe actually
lifted the sun?

Yeah, lousy demigod strength, huh? If
he had a brain, then he'd be dangerous.

Well, after Aladdin
and his trickery,

a muscle-bound ox like
Hercules will be child's play.

Oh, really? You care
to back that up, you stiff?

In a heartbeat, which I don't
have insofar as I am dead.

Of course, you
could remedy that.

Eh, what do I got
to lose? OK, my bro!

You're back with a vengeance!

Badda-bing!

Yes. Yes! I am alive again!

And ready to exact my
revenge upon Aladdin!

Yah! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah! Hoo hoo! Ha ha ha!

What is that? A bronchial thing?

As long as you hold that
staff, you are flesh and blood,

Emboldened, empowered with
incredible magic... Yada! Yada!

Yah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yah! Ha ha ha!

Hello. Priorities, babe?

First, you take
care of Jercules,

then, you're free to skitter off
and have your stinky little revenge.

You got it?

Oh, yes. Of course.
Forgive my eagerness.

OK. No problem.

Now, go, get down, get
funky, get nasty, babe.

Not too bad, huh?

Took 'em all out
with hardly a scratch.

All of them?

That's what happens when you
just barrel your way through, rookie.

You got a good head
on your shoulders.

Start using it or you'll get
in real trouble some day.

OK, Phil. I get the point.

Don't look at me.
I didn't do this.

But I did! Allow me
to introduce myself.

I am Jafar, the greatest sorcerer
the world has ever known!

I'm just getting warmed up.

Whoa! Ooh!

Not particularly agile, are you?

No, but... I hang in there!

Use your noodle, rookie!

No helping, goatie!

Stop him, you fools!

No!

Heh! All right!
How was that, Phil?

I said, "use your head,"

not my house!!

Kid packed some punch, huh?

I was ill-prepared.

I never had to worry about
strength like that dealing with mortals.

Wait a minute.
Hold on. "Mortals"?

This Aladdin yutz you've been going
on and on about is a mere mortal?

Well... yes. But
a very clever one.

Ooh! A clever mortal! Mommy,
hold my hand! I'm scared!

Hey, Jafar, babe, face it. Your
boy is strictly amateur hour.

Insolent cur!

In battle, Aladdin would
shame and humiliate you!

OK, number one, this is my home.

I'm the one that does the
voice raising here, OK?

And number two, just 'cause
it'll be worth a chuckle or two,

I'll take on your boy,
Aladdin, all right?

- And what's more, I will beat him.
- Doubtful.

Oh, yeah. You just
keep thinking that, OK?

In the meantime, Jaffy,
may I call you "Jaffy," babe?

Let me show you how you're
missing the villain boat here, OK?

First of all, you the man.
You know what I'm saying?

A big, bad dude. You
got to use a minion or two.

I had a minion, a
treacherous parrot!

Not a pet, a minion.
Pain, Panic, come here.

Coming!

Nice, huh? Now, I give them some
kind of boilerplate instructions, right?

Bow before me, spread my evil,

eliminate Aladdin with extreme
prejudice, blah, blah, blah.

Got it, boys?

None shall avert us from your
dark intentions, your salaciousness.

Oh!

Not the best examples, but, hey,

I never get my hands dirty, and
they're housebroken... usually.

Now, feast your peepers on this.

- What do they call these again?
- Pants.

I like! No drafts!

Oh, forget it. They'll
never catch on.

Now, come on! We got
to find this Aladdin kid!

Let's see. According to his rap
sheet, Aladdin also answers to...

"Al."

He wears a vest, no
shirt, and a rakish fez.

That's got to be our man!

We have you now, Aladdin!

Huh?

Well, he matches
the description.

But he doesn't look very heroic.

Looks can be deceiving.

I'm Aladdin.

I think you have our monkey.

That's Aladdin?

Hmph. We'll have to
update the database.

Aladdin!

Thanks, Jasmine.

This will keep you under wraps.

- Ow!
- Ow!

What is this thing?

I've never seen
anything like it.

What?

This time we really got ya!

OK, OK. You guys win, all right?

Look, do whatever you want to
me, just don't take what's in my lamp.

Why? What's in the lamp?

Must be something très cool!

Give it! Give it!

Sorry. Too slow.

Come here! Come here! Come on!

Give it!

Come on!

Come on, give it! Give it!

Let go!

Ow! Ow!

A-ha!

Now, we'll just see what special
goodies you've got in here.

Stop!

You have no idea what's
contained within that lamp!

What do you take us for?

A couple of rubes
fresh off the olive cart?

Well, that was indeed
worth a chuckle.

But I couldn't help but
notice that Aladdin is still alive!

You win. The kid is
trickier than I thought.

All right. Let's see. Where
to put the hydra? Hmm.

That's it?

Aladdin humiliated you!
Don't you want your revenge?

Uh, yeah, sure, OK.

How about I rule
the cosmos first?

And then I'll take it,
OK? Priorities, Jafar, OK?

Eyes on the prize, babe.

Bah! The only prize I
value is Aladdin's head.

But I just can't
defeat that boy!

Hmm.

Maybe I don't
have to defeat him.

Tell me, Hades,

What happens when one
hero fights another hero?

Mayhem, uh, chaos, uh,
collateral damage, nice.

But, uh, how would that start?

Well, what if
Aladdin and Hercules

were to have some sort
of terrible misunderstanding

with the proper motivation?

Oh, they would fight until
they destroyed each other!

I like it.

Ha ha! Yes! Yes! I
shall have my revenge!

What's with the laughing?

What is that? Who
does that help?

Well, it punctuates my evil.

It's a flourish.

You are such a freak.

Oh, boy!

Whoa! Mama!

Banana!

Whoa! This is my lucky day!

Oh, man!

I am gonna be sitting
pretty in bananas!

Potassium gold, baby!

Aah!

I don't know what your sicko game
is, but I'll tell you what I do know!

My pal, Herc,
will not quit until...

Whoa! Monkey!

Cool!

This is Hercules' best friend?

Hey, at least he doesn't spend
his days picking fleas out of his fur.

That's true, as far as you know.

Anyway! Herc will not quit

until he's rescued me from
your vile clutches, buddy!

Aladdin too!

Oh, we're counting on your
friends rushing off to the rescue.

Isn't that right, Hades?

At last! Revenge will be mine!

Look, why don't you
just hold that till we win,

then, you can dance around
the end zone and just whoop it up!

Where could Icarus
be? He's never late.

"Icarus," did you say, boy?

I believe that was the name
of the lad that got kidnapped.

Kidnapped?

Yes, whisked away on a
flying carpet to Agrabah.

A young rogue named
Aladdin did the deed.

Well, I don't know who this Aladdin is,
but he picked the wrong guy to kidnap!

Show no mercy, boy!

What is this? A budget cut?

Hey, if you need some
petty cash, just ask, OK?

Give me that!

It's up to your
miserable minions now.

Hey, trust me.
Deceit they can do.

Abu's got to be here somewhere,
but I just don't see him.

Commence operation...
Hero versus hero.

Forget ever seeing your
monkey pal again, Aladdin!

I, Hercules, the scourge
of Athens, took him!

What?

He's gonna make
a nice throw rug!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I think he went that
way! Carpet, let's move!

How was that?

Oh, man. You nailed that voice.

We got to find
this Aladdin creep.

But where do we start? Oh!

Whoa!

Maybe he'll find us!

Hercules!

It takes a lot of nerve to
kidnap someone's best friend!

Nobody knows that
better than you, Aladdin!

Who-o-a!

It's look, then leap. How
hard is that? Look, leap.

Ouch.

Ugh!

I'll say this once.

I'm in no mood to play games!

Whoa!

He's too strong to fight
head-on. I'll lead him away!

Come on, Hercules!
Catch me if you can!

Hey, let me go, I... I'd
like to introduce myself.

Philoctetes, trainer
of... I'm married.

Oh, sorry, ma'am.

That's the guy who took
Icarus! We've got to stop him!

Maybe a run through the
city will wear him down.

Let's see how he does in
the ally of a thousand sheets.

Whoa!

Ha! I knew that would work!

Aw! He walked right into that!

Don't just muscle through, kid!

Your noodle! Use
your noodle! Oy!

OK. New plan.
Head for that scaffold!

I'm getting so tired of this!

Ugh!

Uh-oh.

Not gonna try that again.

This guy is strong!

Really strong!

Hey, maybe we could use that.

Ha! Hiding?

No. Just waiting
for you to catch up.

Ugh. When I get my hands on you!

Ha ha! If you get
your hands on me...

Jercules.

You know, everybody thinks they're
being clever when they call me that.

But it's not... that... funny!

Maybe, but it so suits you.

- Catch!
- Huh?

Oh!

I can get you out of this if
you tell me where Abu is.

Uh, I-I don't know what
you're talking about!

Well, then you think about
it under a ton of rubble. Bye.

I don't care about me,
but let my friend, Icarus, go!

Your friend?

Uh-oh. I think there's
been a big mistake.

Aladdin!

Oh, no.

Herc.

Hey, this is kind of fun. Yeah, I
like it. It's like, uh, it's cleansing.

Aw, kid.

Thanks.

Aladdin!

Jasmine, I don't think
Hercules kidnapped Abu.

And I'm pretty sure
Aladdin didn't grab Icarus.

So... This was a setup?

But who would
want you two to fight?

I don't know.
Maybe that Jafar guy.

Jafar?

- No! It can't be.
- Jafar is dead.

Well, he sure seemed
alive when he attacked me.

Oh, no! Maybe he
hooked up with...

Hades, lord of the dead!

Oh, boy. They're
your kidnappers.

They must've thought
we'd crush each other.

Let's try this
again. I'm Aladdin.

Hey, I'm Hercules.
Good to meet you.

So, where do we
find our friends?

They got to be
in the underworld.

But we go in there, they'll
throw everything they got at us.

It's worth the risk to
save Abu. Let's go!

Hold on!

I wanna save my buddy, too,

But maybe there's a smarter
way than just barreling in.

He can be taught!

Oh, monkey! My
buddy, Herc, is gone.

All is lost!

Hey, what are you doing?

Shh!

Oh! Right!

Escape plan! Yes, monkey, yes!

I'll keep it on the QT.

Or as you might say, "eek, eek."

Oh, brother!

Than a gorgon hits
them from the side,

bring in the river
guardian and badda-bing!

Olympus is mine! Oh, yes!

Delightful.

And then perhaps we could
turn our attention toward Agrabah.

Small potatoes. What? Agrabah?

What? You want to be a
sultan when you could be a god?

Jafar, lord of the dead.

Huh? What do you
think? Do you like that?

Hmm. Intriguing.
May I redecorate?

Yeah, sure. What do I
care? Throw up some drapes.

Hercules and Aladdin are here!

And they're alive!

What?

OK. Don't panic. Heroes
burst in all the time down here.

So, hey, why don't you take care of
a little, you know, on-the-job training?

- What do you say, OK?
- My pleasure.

Hello, Aladdin!

Remember me? Just
another blast from your past!

Oy. Puns.

Now here's something
even you can't outwit!

And so ends the street rat.

Don't think I've forgotten
about you, my friend!

Rocks! Whoa!

Your clumsiness will be
your undoing, Hercules.

This nimble scorpion
should make my point!

That might work, Jafar...

if I were Hercules.

But I'm not!

What?

And I'm not Aladdin!

I'll take that!

Herc, care to do the honors?

Gladly!

No!! It can't be!

No!

Good plan, Herc.
Phil will be proud.

That's just fine, you know? I mean,
I knew that Jafar guy was a jerk!

I mean, what could be
more aggravating than this?

Take that you
underworld boss, huh?

I tell you what, OK?

Drop it right now,
and I won't make you...

permanent residents!

OK.

Oh, yes!

Me and the monkey
kicked a little underworld tail!

Yes!

♪ Go, monkey! Go,
monkey! Go, monkey! ♪

Thanks, a lot, Hercules.
You're gonna be one great hero.

Aw, thanks a lot. And coming
from you, that means a lot.

If you're ever in
Agrabah, look us up.

Herc, can we get a monkey?

No.

Come on! A monkey?

No, Icarus.

What? Are you kidding me?