Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 30 - Hercules and the Falling Stars - full transcript

♪ Who put the
glad in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor Hercules ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪



♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪



Wait and see!

Hercules and the falling stars.

From time immemorial,

humankind has been awed
and inspired by the glittering stars.

The ancient Greeks gazed upon
a seeming chaos of the night sky

and saw majestic constellations:

Scorpio the mighty scorpion,

Aries the ram, Taurus
the bull, Leo the lion,

and, of course,
Orion the great hunter.

Earth and sky were
in cosmic balance...

until a certain
hero-in-training came along.

Kid, archery is not
your strong suit.

Maybe we ought to
skip to your next lesson.

No, no. Wait.

One... last... shot.

OK, that does it!

Take as many shots
as you want, kid.

I'm taking cover.

I can do this.

Sorry, Pegasus.

I hate the bow and arrow.

Give me a club any day.

Don't even say that!

Huh? Who... Where is that...

You know what I'd give to swap
this bloody club for a bow and arrow?

Wow! Orion!

The greatest hunter ever!

I-I-I'm, like, a huge fan!

I've been, uh... admiring
your archery technique.

Oh, uh, yeah...
I'm not very good.

You're terrible!

I could probably teach
you a trick or two, though.

Really? That'd be great.

Wouldn't it.

But I can't. I've got
no arrows up here.

Greatest archer ever,
and what do I get?

A club, a shield, and a
permanent view of the Pleiades.

Not that they're bad-lookin' lassies,
but do you know how long eternity is?

You can't ever
move or come down?

Not until the heavens are torn
apart and the stars fall from the sky,

or some such twaddle.

Hey, if I could get you down,
would you teach me archery?

Oh, sure thing, laddie, but how?

Oh, this is great! Orion's
gonna teach me archery.

I may not be much of
an archer, but I'm strong.

One torn-apart sky comin' up!

Arrrgghh!

Oh, sweet baby Hermes! Freedom!

Oh, yeah... That feels good!

Oh. Ho ho ho ho!

Come on, laddie.
Let's go hunting.

I know a valley on Crete where
you can shoot centaurs six at a time!

Wh-what about
the archery lesson?

All right, lad.

Ever hear of the...
Orion Cluster?

Ha ha... You're gonna
love this, Phil. Watch.

Hang on a sec.

OK, I'm watching.

The Orion Cluster?

I haven't seen that since...

Kid, oh, you can't
use that move.

Why not? I'm hitting
the target, right?

Don't you know? The Cluster's
banned in 12 city-states.

The only guy who ever
used it was... Orion.

Where do you think I learned it?

Phil, meet my archery
tutor, Orion. Orion, Phil.

Orion? Ah, Phillip!
It's a great pleasure!

Oh, good thing I came along.

You were only
teaching the wee sprout

to be a threat to
humanity with this thing.

No-look... Good!

Backhand... Perfect!

Look, kid... I don't want you
learning from this palooka.

What? Why not?

Orion Cluster.

He's from a different time, kid... A
brutal time. Like that Orion Cluster...

It's effective,
but it's barbaric.

So he's a little rough
around the edges.

He's the greatest hunter ever.

Herc, lad, it's been an Iron
Age since I've been to Athens.

Show me around a little.

Let's revel!

Cool, but I... I, um,
gotta go to school first.

School? What in chaos is that?

Oh, uh, that's where
we learn stuff, study.

You know, molding
young minds and all that.

And why, exactly, would
you want a moldy mind?

Billions upon billions of stars,

and here, at the very center
of the universe, the Earth.

But why? Why are we here?

I'm here to get my chart read!

Hey, Mr. Ptolemy! Are my eternal
schnookums and I compatible?

This is astronomy,
Icarus, not astrology.

Modern astronomy, Icarus,
examines the harmony of the universe,

what we Greeks call "Cosmos"...

A place for all
things, and all things...

in their place.

All right, then...
Starry eyes...

Teach me something
I don't already know.

Wow. You know, Herc meets
the most interesting people.

Bah! No wonder
your mind's moldy.

That chart's at least a
millennium out of date.

Orion!

Ahem... Hercules, may
I see you after class?

This is extremely
dangerous, Hercules.

The balance of the Cosmos
is a very fragile thing.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Ptolemy.

Orion's a nice
guy. He'll be fine.

Come on, laddie! Let's do lunch!

Eh, heh heh. Why don't
we go to the cafeterium?

Oh, my lucky stars.

It's Mutton Tettrazinni day!

Hey, guys. This is my friend Orion.
You know, the, uh, constellation.

Ooh! The... the conste...? Well,
no wonder you're so darn big!

You know, you are my
favorite heavenly body.

Uh, present company excepted.

Hey, wider orbit, buddy.

- Hooky-kooky, what's for lunch?
- Try the fruit from the cornucopia.

It replenishes itself.

Not bad.

I'm having a vision. I see
the sky... falling, falling.

Oh, love it when you do
the "chicken little" thing,

my little chicken... guhh!

Wait! You can't go up there!

And so I said, "let
them eat baklava!"

Ha ha! You should've seen
that grotesque peasant's face.

You're hysterical,
funny, Adonis!

Well, what do we have here?

This balcony's only
for important people.

Oh, and Adonis.

Hmm. A very large and rather
smelly person on our balcony.

May I see your royal
credentials, please?

Royal credentials?

Well, let's see now.
I've got a red carpet here.

Whoaaaaaaaa!

I will not tolerate this!

I am a prince and will
be treated with dignity!

Ohh! Uhh!

I dream of embarrassing
Adonis like that! You just... do it.

No fear. No apologies. No regrets.
That is the creed of the hunter.

No fear. No
apologies. No regrets.

Oh... he is dreamy.

So manly.

And so hairy.

In a good way. In a good way.

Ugh, let's get out of here. I
can feel my mind molding.

Oh, yeah... Ah, ha
ha ha! Yeah, me, too.

Hey, later, I'll show
you the Agoura.

This is Athens?
It's all built up.

In my day, it was strictly a
one horse-and-chariot town.

Look out!

Look, you can't just
cross the street like that.

We've got traffic laws.

Hey, you seem to turn up everywhere
that mayhem and disorder abound.

- You know this creep?
- You can't give him a ticket.

He's Orion, the world's
greatest hunter, like, ever.

Sorry. No one's above the
law, not even a constellation.

Sign here.

"I hereby promise to appear at
the Temple of Moving Vehicles..."

Ah, I don't have time for this.

- Hey!
- Hooky-kooky, I'm starving.

That fruit went
right through me.

Orion, you can't... Uh, sorry.

Wait!

Constellation on the loose at
Third and Pan-Hellenic Highway!

Requesting immediate back-up!

Hi. I'll have the double
Colossus with extra Tahini.

Orion, look, I don't know what it
was like when you were last on Earth...

Ah! Meat on a spit!
Now we're talkin'!

Hey! That's my shwarma spit!

Orion! You can't just take that!

Why not?

No fear, no
apologies, no regrets.

Aah! The sky is falling!

No!

The Cosmos! Ruined!
And it's all your fault!

I am so sorry.

Hey! No apologies, remember?

We'll just hunt those
little beasties down.

Hunt? Them?!

No fear. Come on! Ha ha ha ha!

Fear's not the problem.

It's the no regrets part
that I'm a little worried about.

But while our hunters hunted,

the Goddess of the Wilds
made a big discovery.

Well, what do ya think, gang?

I know. Ain't exactly
hospitable, is it?

But it's got potential.

A nice high canopy there,
maybe a floor of pine needles here.

And plenty of hollow
tree trunks for you!

Yep, it'll be cozy enough by
the time ol' Artemis is done with it.

Well, might as
well get manifestin'.

Well, I'll be. That
is one big dipper.

Make that the Big Dipper.

Only one person
coulda done this.

My good ol' buddy
Orion, my darlin's.

The swamp redecorating's
gonna have to wait!

Leo went this way, and
Scorpio went towards Sparta.

Wow! You're good!

They don't call me the great
hunter for nothing, laddie!

I've been wanting to track
these babies for a long time.

Come on! I'll show you
how to bag a giant scorpion!

Awesome!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hut! Hut! Hut...

Yeow! Hut! Hut!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Oh, my gosh! OK! Now, let's
see. Uh, hero rule number eight...

Um, assess the environs
before initiating action.

There's only one rule in my book,
laddie... Take the problem by the tail.

Hah! One down, three to go.

Uh, I know that property damage
happens, you know, when you're a hero,

but we just destroyed
their whole city-state.

Ah, they can rebuild.

Trust me. They're grateful.

And so it was that Orion
and Hercules ravaged...

Uh, rescued the other
city-states, beginning with Corinth.

Why don't you take
this one, chicky-chops?

Remember... take
the problem by the tail.

Or in this case, take
the bull... by the horns!

Heh. Hyah! Hah! Yee-hoo!

They'll... rebuild?

Ah! Now you're
gettin' it, laddie.

Hercules' bloody reign of
rescue continued in Thessaly...

and finally... the Techno-Greeks
of Abacus Valley...

found themselves
with a rare problem.

Too much ram.

Ahhh! Brilliant.

World saved and still time to catch
happy hour at that Gyro World Place.

Maybe we ought
to try Speedy Pita.

Here, laddie. I got
something for ya.

That wee dress you're wearing
doesn't suit hunters like us.

Whoa! A lion skin? Cool! Thanks.

Here's to the life of the
hunter... No fear, no apologies...

And no regrets!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Anybody in here seen these two?

Uh, hi, Phil. What's, uh, up?

Is this what you're learnin'
from this big lummox?!

Hey, we vanquished the monsters.

You trashed four
city-states in three hours.

You think that's heroic?

Well, yeah... I mean,
we got the job done.

That's all that matters, right, Orion,
huh? I mean, come on, back me up here.

Ya got that right, laddie.

Those wee beasties won't
be darkening our doors again.

OK, so we caused some
minor structural damage.

- Whaa?!
- Ooh!

- Aaah!
- Aaah!

The important thing
is, Athens is safe.

Ahh! You got it, laddie. No
fear, no apologies, no regrets.

That's the way a
real man gets respect.

There you are!

You owe me 750 drachma
for a shwarma spit, you ruffian!

Plus damages.

All right. Either you deal
with this jaywalking rap,

or I charge you with felony
disturbing the Cosmos.

You leveled our Sparta!

- And our Corinth!
- And our Thessaly!

Thessaly was nearly
leveled already.

We were hunting monsters.

Your city-states just
sort of got in the way.

So this is respect. Who knew?

But you can all rebuild!

Does your chart show anything
about invading monsters?

No! There are no monsters.

Haven't you heard
what Herc's been saying?

Th-the monsters are vanquished,
a-a-and Athens is safe!

And sound?

Oh, no! What do we do?

This is a job for
the Orion Cluster.

Orion!

Lay down your weapon!

Artemis. Of all the seedy falafel
joints in all the ancient world,

you have to
manifest in this one.

Spare me, darlin'.

Well, well, if it
isn't Hercules.

Oh, uh, hi... heh...
o mighty Artemis.

Tsk tsk tsk.

Leave it to a demigod
to tear the sky apart.

You have unleashed an extremely
dangerous mess o' stars, young man.

Oh. Heh. Orion
will take care of 'em.

Honey, I'm not worried
about those critters.

You unleashed 'em, I
reckon you can put 'em back.

It's my huntaholic ex-boyfriend
here who's the problem.

Huh?! You two...
know each other?

Oh, we were an item
way back. We were young.

Biggest mistake I ever made.

He nearly killed off
every critter on Earth

with that Orion Cluster of his.

Zeus wanted to smite
him, but I saved his hide.

Got him a nice cushy
gig in the heavens.

But the deal was
you had to stay there!

I was bored!

Being a constellation's an
honor, you stubborn ol' coot!

Honor?! Rats! You always thought
you knew what was best for me! Well...

I hate to interrupt the little
romp down memory lane,

but does anybody plan on
saving our city-state here?!

That's what demigods are for.

Hercules, you better
shake your tail, darlin'.

Oh, right!

Use the Cluster, laddie.

Tonight's new moon brings conflicts.
Aries gives you a needed boost.

Huh?

That was needed?

Oh! Unh! Ah!

Grab the problem by the tail.

Aah! Ooh!

Financial affairs take
a turn for the worse.

- Retreat, kid!
- Tuesday brings romance!

Use the cluster!

Just be yourself!

Be myself.

Whoa!

No!

Don't worry!

I'm using the barbaric Orion Cluster,
but in a modern, Hercules kinda way!

- Atta way, kid! Atta way!
- Now, that's the Hercules I know.

And to think he should
have stayed in bed today.

OK, lover boy, you're goin'
right back where you belong.

Right ascension 55 hours, five
minutes. Declination 8 degrees north.

- Hey! What about our city-states?!
- Ah, what about 'em? Rebuild.

Aaah! Do the words personal
responsibility mean anything at all to you?

You're gonna rebuild, or I'll put
you back in the sky so far south,

your famous belt will freeze
to your dang bellybutton!

OK, OK!

I did my share of the
damage. I'll help you out.

I foresee a touching
moment coming.

Tell me when it's over.

I'm sorry Artemis
won't let you stay.

Ah, I'm ready to go back. Earth
isn't as much fun as it used to be.

Everyone's just too nice
to each other nowadays.

- Here's your lion skin back.
- Keep it, laddie. It's you.

Aw, thanks!

You'll make a great hero, lad.

Who knows? Maybe someday
you'll get to be a constellation.

Hello, ladies.

Well, actually, Herc,
there is available space

between Ophiuchus
and the Corona Borealis.

Well! I mean, woof!

This says you will go on a
long, long trip far, far away.

Yes, sir! To the stars, baby!

Me and you! I fly, you ride!

Come on! What do ya say?