Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 31 - Hercules and the Golden Touch - full transcript

♪ Who put the
glad in gladiator ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theatre ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet ♪

♪ Our favorite flavor Hercules ♪

♪ What a guy ♪

♪ Ask his friends ♪

♪ Honey they won't lie ♪



♪ Oh Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one a zero zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪



Wait and see.

Ah, what a glorious night!

Sometimes when I
look up at the stars,

I imagine that one day I'll
become such a great hero,

they'll name a
constellation for me.

That's kind of
dumb, huh, Icarus?

Icarus?

Hi-yah!

Whoever you are, I must
warn you I'm a hero in training.

Yah!

Yah!

Yah!

Excellent. Super.

Well done, Hercules.

Whoa, w-what just happened?

This was a test.

I'm pleased to
report you passed.

But those silent attackers...

They work for me.

What?! You guys eat fish raw?!

Come on!

Why are you testing me?

To find out if you have
what it takes to be a hero.

Ha, you're kidding?

I was born to be
a hero, literally.

That's what I was
hoping you'd say.

Epsilon, Athens
Intelligence Agency.

I never heard of it.

That's because it's a secret.

Hercules, we are looking
for a new kind of hero

for a new kind of mission.

The future of
Athens is at stake.

Ah, all right!

Wait till Phil hears about this.

You must not tell anyone.

Your mission is
secret... Top-secret.

Well, I don't understand.

Hero rule number 89 says
heroes are open and forthright.

Then the Athens Intelligence
Agency doesn't need a hero

for this mission.

We need more of an agent.

Well, I'm a hero, not an agent.

A secret agent.

Secret agent? Oh, cool.

And your target is King Midas,

the man with the golden touch.

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the golden touch ♪

♪ He lusted for gold
a little too much ♪

♪ His wish was
gratefully granted ♪

♪ For helping a friend in need ♪

♪ But fate can be heavy-handed ♪

♪ And made him
the king of greed ♪

♪ Steer fearfully clear of his ♪

♪ Fatal clutch ♪

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the golden touch ♪

So anything this Midas
guy touches turns to gold?

Precisely.

Bacchus granted him
one wish and that was it,

but our information suggests
he's getting carried away.

Consider this retriever.

- Golden.
- Quite.

You can see what this means.

Well, sure, I mean, uh,
who, uh, who couldn't?

What does it mean again?

It means Midas is operating

without any decent
human restraint.

He can amass enough
wealth to literally buy Athens.

Oh, right, yeah.

So, uh, what do
you want me to do?

Midas is King of Phrygia, which
lies across the Aegean Sea.

Your mission... go to
Phrygia and stop Midas.

How?

Any way you can.

All of Athens is
counting on you.

Well, I won't let you down, sir.

Of course, if you're captured,

we will deny any
knowledge of your action.

That doesn't seem fair.

Okay then, forget the
last part. Just get to it.

Agent Hercules
is on the case, sir!

Sheesh!

Oh, right. Sorry.
Secret, got it.

Welcome, Agent Hercules,

to the latest in
high-tech spy tech.

Why am I talking like this?

I have no idea.

Check this out.
It's Daedalus' latest.

He calls it... the saw.

Oh, man, this'll never cut it.

Icarus, I really don't think

I need any of your
father's inventions.

Well, that's where you're wrong!

Oh, man, Daedalus has come
up with some really neato stuff.

Thanks, but, uh, no.

Consider if you will this
seemingly ordinary chiton clasp.

You close the clasp
by turning it 90 degrees.

However, if you
turn it 91 degrees,

it will unleash a spray
of aged goat milk...

A stench so vile your
attacker will beg for mercy.

Yeah, he's sure
to raise a stink.

Come on, don't mock.
No one likes a mocker.

I'm sorry. I-I got a feeling
that's how secret agents talk.

Yes, yes. Drone.

Moving right along.

Here, one size fits all. Try it.

Thanks, but, uh...
Would you just try it?!

Now, pull back the buckle.

And I would use this for what?

Daedalus is an inventor,
not a marketing...

Aaahh!

Whoa!

Now, this is no ordinary
saddle, my covert friend.

Pull here and you release
a virgin olive oil slick

that will bring your
enemy to a slippery end.

Or it also makes a really
tasty salad dressing.

Okay, uh, thanks,
yeah. I-I've gotta go.

Remember, don't tell a soul.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mum's the word, buddy.

If anybody asks, I
never heard of you.

Okay, good luck with the spying!

Stay close.

Enjoy, folks.

Good evening.

Hold up, there, Junior.

Admission is by
invitation only, sweetheart.

R.S.V.P. me, baby.

Enjoy, folks. Try the scampi.

Show me the gold, baby.

Oh, gee, I must have
left it in my other chiton.

Well, I'm sure you can
overlook it this time, no?

Sorry, pally. No
can do, sweetheart.

Now beat it. Scram, scaboo.

The chariot's double-parked.

It's all right. He's with me.

Whoa, beg your pardon.
I didn't know, sweetheart.

Shall we?

Uh, sure.

Thank you so much
for the save back there.

Do you mind if I ask why?

I know everyone in
Phrygia. They're all boring.

You, on the other
hand, intrigue me.

Do you play knucklebones?

Um, a-ha, knucklebones.
Of course, yes.

Love it. Love the game.

Uhh!

Ha ha ha ha.

Something to drink, sir?

Uh, grape juice, please...

crushed, not strained.

Your throw, crusher.

Ah!

Ha ha. Ah, clumsy me.

You haven't told me
your name yet, stranger.

Lees, Hercu Lees.

And you are?

Utterly charmed, but
you can call me Marigold.

Marigold.

Nice... aah!

Mr. Lees?

Agent Hercules,
need I remind you

that you are here to remedy
the problem of King Midas,

not to get a date
for Saturday night.

Oh, right, sir. Yeah.

Well, aren't you
the mysterious one?

I'm interested in King Midas.

Do you know anything about him?

Oh, and I thought you
were interested in me.

I am... absolutely.

Is it true what they
say about Midas...

That he has the golden touch?

See for yourself.

Now that is an entrance
fit for a king! Ha ha ha ha!

Remember, everyone,
all that glitters is not gold,

except here...
Where, of course, it is.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ooh, I'm feeling a bit parched.

Drats!

Mine! Gimme, gimme!

Hello, Princess.

Princess?

Hi, Daddy. This is Mr. Lees.

Bup, bup, bup, don't
touch. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You going to drink that?

Knock yourself out.

Drats!

Tell me, Mr. Lees, how
do you like our fair land?

I hear the streets
are paved with gold.

You have quite a way
with words, Mr. Lees.

Marigold, my dear,

make sure that our amusing
visitor feels most welcome.

You heard the King. Let
me give you the grand tour.

Precisely according to my plan.

Always the hiding.

Would you come out
where I can see you?!

Sorry, your excellency.

Do you think Hercules suspects

that you have
betrayed him, Epsilon?

On the contrary.

I think Hercules is
precisely the clueless dupe

we anticipated.

Well, that is all well and good,

but your scheme
is taking too long!

Patience, my liege.

Very soon you
will have more gold

than anyone could possibly want.

Hmm, don't be so sure, Epsilon.

I want a lot!

Gold, gold, gold. I simply cannot
get enough of this shiny stuff.

A touch here, a poke there.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

Aah!

Let's try this again.

Aah!

Oh!

I am able to satisfy
my incredible greed,

but I can't eat a lousy apple.

Well, any fool can
have a delicious apple.

Only I can have a
golden delicious apple.

Ah ha ha! Ooh hoo hoo!

Hoo, let's see. I need
more things to touch.

He he he! Hoo hoo hoo!

I hope you are planning
a long visit to Phrygia.

It depends on how long it takes
me to conclude my business.

Speaking of which, I, um, uh,

I'm supposed to meet
someone inside... now.

See ya!

Hmm?

Wow!

Sparta, Corinth.

Ah, perfect. It took Phrygia's finest
minds, but the device is now complete.

Is, uh, something
wrong, your highness?

Something is wrong...
Horribly wrong!

There, all better.

An intruder! Seize him!

Take him alive.

Get back here! Stop! Halt!

- Stop!
- Halt!

Ha ha!

Don't let him get away!

Huh?

- Get him!
- This way!

Ooh, sorry. Ooh, excuse me!

Mr. Lees?

Can't talk now, Princess! Sorry!

Come on.

Don't let him get away!

Thank you, Icarus.

Get him!

What?

Gotcha, baby!

Magic chains,
Mr. Lees... Unbreakable.

They cost me a
great deal of gold.

Fortunately there's a great
deal more where that came from.

You amuse me, Mr. Lees,

but that won't save you
from a golden overcoat

and a one-way trip to the
bottom of Lake Phrygia.

Ha ha. I've gotten out of worse.

Sure, kid, sure!

I did mention it's
a very heavy coat?

What's going on here?

Ask your father what
he's really up to, Princess.

I trust my father.

My question is, what
are you up to, Hercules?

Okay, the truth is I'm Hercules,

hero in training,
Demigod, son of Zeus.

Preposterous!

However, if your story is true,

I suggest you get
someone down here quickly

who can vouch for you.

And when I say
quickly, I mean fast-like.

Quickly, quickly, Uh... Hermes!

Hermes! I really need your help.

Herc, babe, you beseeched?

Ooh, are those magic chains?

Yeah, listen, tell
King Midas who I am.

That will not be necessary.

Hermes, you will please
remove your sandals.

You know, I told Bacchus
the whole golden touch thing

was a little too out there.

Daddy, this isn't like you.

Mind your own
business, Marigold!

And I mean that
lovingly, of course.

Hermes, sandals off.

Whoa! Wait!

It would be a pity if they
flew away after all that effort.

Epsilon. Thank goodness.

Get us out of these chains, huh?

No, I don't think so.

Epsilon works for me. Ha ha ha!

Allow me to explain.

You see, I approached
Agent Hercules

about a secret
mission here in Phrygia.

But the whole thing was just
a set-up to get Hermes here.

Quite.

What are you after, King Midas?

Why, the world, my boy.

In case you haven't noticed,
I am not a patient man.

And with Hermes' flying
sandals, zip, zip, zip,

the whole world will
be my golden nugget!

Just that easy, just that quick.

Daddy, you're talking crazy!

Crazy?! Crazy, you say?!

If making the world my
own shiny plaything is crazy...

Okay, I'll admit, it's
a bit unorthodox...

We are ready to
proceed, your highness.

Don't ever interrupt
me when I'm ranting!

But I... Ah, silence is golden.

That is one gone cat.

Good guy... heart of gold...

liver, spleen, and kidneys,
too. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ohh!

Sorry, King M.

You sure you don't want
something in a roomy gym sandal?

How about a strapless
wedgie, baby?

By the Gods, how can an
immortal have such small feet?

My mother was petite.

Where shall we set the
machine for, your highness?

Ha ha. Ow!

That heel of Achilles was
nothing compared to this.

The map setting, your highness?

Target Athens.

Oh, I'm going to
have so much gold!

People will have no choice
but to look at me and say,

"Oh, he has so much gold!"

Open it!

You know, he's got the sandals.
What's with the nutty machine?

One does not take over the
world without a doomsday device.

It's simply not done.

Begin the countdown!

Herc, babe, this might be a
good time to make with the heroics.

Yeah, but how? I can't
get out of these chains.

Hey, you know what? I can
use this clasp from my chiton

to pick the lock on the chains.

So you brought
some secret devices.

Clever, but not
nearly clever enough.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo
hoo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Blast off! Ha ha!

Aaahh!

Now, about that clasp.

Aaahh!

Oh, my eyes!

That gets your
goat, eh, Epsilon?

You were right. Daddy
has to be stopped.

Excuse me, has anyone
noticed that Hercules is free?!

Get him!

Get after him, baby!

Get him!

Oh, no!

We've gotta go after Midas.

Take me. I think I can
talk some sense into him.

She does have that whole
daddy's little girl vibe happening.

Okay. Pegasus!

We'll come back for you, Hermes!

Oh! Aah! Oh!

There he is.

Fly in a straight
line, you cruel shoes!

Down there!

Ooh! Ow! Ee!

What's all that racket?

Get up and have a look already!

Aah!

Aah!

Ooh! Ah! Ooh! Ee! Ah!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ee! Ee!

It's all over, Midas.

Oh, no, it's not.

You forget, I have
the winged shoes.

All I must do is dust myself off

and then reach out
and touch something.

- Daddy, don't do this.
- Shh!

- But...
- Hush!

Marigold! Nooo!

Marigold?

Sweetums?

Oh, good, sweet Zeus.
What have I done?

What have I become?

Help me, Hercules.

How can I undo this?

Well, Bacchus granted your
wish. Only he can undo the spell.

Yes. Yes, I'll beg. I'll grovel.

I'll offer him his
weight in gold.

Uh, maybe you should
stick to grovelling.

Point well taken.

Oh, great Bacchus,

I humbly ask you to
remove my golden touch

and make everything
as it once was.

Hey. Whoa!

Marigold, I've been
a king-sized fool.

I only wish I could
make it up to you.

Thank you, Hercules.

Oh, it was nothing.

It's just what we open
and forthright heroes do.

What an ending. Pure gold, baby.

Agent Hercules will return
in "From Sparta With Love."