Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 28 - Hercules and the Big Games - full transcript
♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
The ancient Greeks
delighted in sports of all kinds.
They held great games to
celebrate human athletic endeavor...
The Panhellenic Games,
the Pythian Games,
and some very famous
games held every four years
in the historic city of Olympia.
Games so important
that all wars ceased,
so important that they
continue even to the modern day,
games which we can't mention
due to trademark restrictions.
But our story concerns a
less famous competition...
The bitter rivalry between
the fighting war dogs
of Spartan Military High
and the eagles of the
Athenian Prometheus Academy.
OK, OK, let's pick up
the slack, everyone.
This year we're finally
going to beat Sparta.
Athletes... Jocks... The enemy.
Don't you feel kind of
sorry for them? I mean...
They've lost 12
big games in a row.
Help me!
Hey! Maybe I could help out.
Show no pity, Hercmeister.
Jocks are our natural enemies.
Right, sugar plum?
Actually, you're
my natural enemy.
Jocks are a close second.
Eh! Who needs them?
Sure, they're more popular,
and more successful than us,
but we're the ones
with the good looks...
And the winning personalities.
Yeah, but they're the
ones with the cheerleaders.
♪ Don't dry it or wash it ♪
♪ Just grab that
plate and toss it ♪
Well, I've got a
training session with...
Ohh!
Hey, here you go.
Aah!
Oh, sorry.
Oh, never apologize
for who you are.
Who are you again?
Hercules.
Of course! The inconceivably
strong hero-in-training.
Why haven't you
tried out for the team?
Well, uh, I'm pretty busy
with my training, and, uh...
And he's not falling
for your siren song
of the jock's life, are
you, Hercaburger?
Well, I don't know. I...
You know, being on the
varsity does have its advantages.
Hi, Hercules.
I guess I could give it a try.
No! He's become one of them.
Them... them... them.
My son's going to
be in the big games?
Oh, that is great!
So, you don't think
being a jock is,
well, evil, like...
like Icarus says?
Evil? Bah.
Why, I was a pretty
good wrestler in my day.
Zeus the moose, they called me.
Sorry to interrupt, big Z.,
but you're late for the,
uh, gods' gala on Olympus.
Tell them I'll be
there in a minute.
All righty, babe.
Now tell me again
about that discus toss.
So, are you going to the
games tomorrow, brother?
You know I hate
sports, Athena...
A total waste of
the human instinct
to kill and maim.
Spoken like a true war god.
And I suppose you're going?
Oh, yes. I go every year to
cheer on my loyal Athenians.
This year we're
going to win for certain.
Sorry, cats. Zeus
is running late.
Hey, did you try
the ambrosia bars?
Bacchus manifested
them fresh today.
- They are so nutty.
- I don't like nuts.
Oh, gods. I hate these
monthly meeting Greek mixers.
I think Hades is the only
one who enjoys them.
Athena, looking
good. Nice smile.
Uh, let me borrow
your bro for a sec, OK?
Ares, babe... may
I call you babe?
Oh, war god supremo, huh?
Hey, you remember
the bronze age, huh?
Remember that...
wiping out the Minoans?
You slayed them. I buried them.
Good times, huh? Good times.
All right, Hades,
what do you want?
All right, look, OK?
Things are kind of dead
down in the underworld.
Or actually, they're
not dead enough.
Know what I'm saying?
Our soul index
is at a 2-year low.
Now for a quick boost in the
souls receivable department,
there is nothing like a war,
but we've had a total of, like,
zero wars lately. So,
like, what's up with that?
What do you mean?
There's been lots of wars...
The siege of Carthage,
uh, the occupation of Sicily,
the... the, you know...
Come on, come on. Border
skirmishes, police actions.
I mean war!
I'm thinking the big kalamada...
Sparta versus Athens.
Boom, huh? 15, 20k souls easy.
Come on! What do you say?
You know I'd love to order my
Spartans to invade my sister's turf, but...
All right! I'll tell you
what, to sweeten the deal,
I can't believe I'm doing this,
I will throw in
my patented Hadean
shield of invincibility.
Nothing can touch you
when you have this baby.
Top secret here.
Check out the
brochure. You like it?
Ooh. Oh, that looks neat-o.
Invincibility, huh?
Absolutely guaranteed
to protect your Spartans
from dismemberment, death,
and a variety of boo-boos.
It's a deal.
You'll need a new sack-of-Athens
wing just to hold all my victims.
Ha ha.
New wing, huh?
Ooh, I like it.
Ares, you the god.
No such thing as a Hadean
shield of invincibility, is there?
Yeah, right. Hello?
Helmet on too tight today?
Sounded good, though,
didn't that, though?
Hey, Bacchus, what is
that, rack of Minotaur? Nice.
Your city-state's
going down, Athena.
I've got the Hadean
shield of invincibility.
Oh, don't be absurd.
There is no such thing.
Is so. I have a brochure.
My Sparta's invading your
Athens tomorrow, baby.
Oh, no, you're not.
Tomorrow's the big games,
Prometheus Academy
versus Spartan Military,
and my boy is
playing for Athens.
Oh, come on. There's a war on.
I'm going to wipe
Athens off the map.
Put a sock in it.
We'd mop up the
Parthenon with you.
Yeah? You and whose navy?
The Athenian navy, you dolt.
Silence! I am sick and
tired of you two bickering
like a couple of 2000-year-olds.
I will not allow your
Athens-Sparta war
to ruin the Athens-Sparta games.
Say, war... games...
Athens... Sparta...
Now that is a godly idea.
We'll decide the war on
the athletic field. Ha ha.
What? My armies won't
fit on an athletic field.
No, no.
Hermes, take down a decree.
Here for you, babe.
Instead of war, human
athletic endeavor
shall decide whose
city-state is superior.
You are so wise.
Whichever high school wins
the most laurel wreaths
in tomorrow's games
shall win permanent
bragging rights
for their city-state forever.
Signed Zeus, ruler of
the cosmos, et cetera.
What does all that mean?
Our high school teams
will decide the war
instead of armies. I like it.
No! I am the God
of War, and I... Aah!
Will support them
in light competition.
Dig the new luxury boxes, babe.
Hah! Corporate sponsors...
You've got to love them.
And 5 and 6 and 7 and
8, and work those abs.
Everybody get in touch
with your inner winner.
Is that guy training
them for the game
or getting them ready
for bikini season?
Well, that's Physoedipus.
He... He's my coach.
- Herc, hey!
- Hercules!
Hey, hey, hey, I'm your
coach, and don't you forget it.
Hey, guys.
I'm glad you guys
came out to cheer me on.
These Spartans look tough.
We came to make one last effort
to keep you on
the side of the few,
The proud, the geeky.
O... OK, kid, let
me get this straight.
You throw this spear at who?
It's a javelin. I'm not
aiming it at anyone.
If I throw it farther
than the other guy, I win.
Oh, you win. You win what?
Well, a laurel wreath.
A bunch of leaves on a stick.
And the cheerleaders
will think I'm a hero.
Look, kid, I know
you're excited,
but there's more to being
a hero than that stuff.
- Kid...
- The games are starting!
Sparta! Sparta! Sparta!
Your muscle-bound
muttonheads don't stand a chance.
Oh, yeah? A 2-eon supply
of nectar says otherwise.
- You're on, brother.
- Psst, Ares, you got a minute?
Hey, what kind of
war god are you?
I've got construction workers
starting on my sack-of-Athens wing,
and you're making
book with Athena.
Hello? What happened to our war?
Sorry, Hades, deal's off.
- What?
- You get copied on the decree?
Hey, decree... no
decree is set in stone.
"Human endeavor...
bragging rights forever..."
OK, well, this
one's set in stone.
Leave it to Zeus to chisel me out
of 20,000 souls before breakfast.
Games... no blood, no bodies.
Who cares?
Some turnout, huh?
Every living Spartan and
Athenian soul must be in here.
Hey, what a minute. Living...
Hah! That could change.
Uh, I've got to
see an old friend.
Hi. Is your mommy home?
Mom...
The Lord of the
Dead's here to see you.
Oh, Hades, what a surprise.
Echidna, you look great.
The horns were
polished, were they?
Listen, I'm sorry
to drop in like this,
but I know how you love to eat.
I've found this great joint...
Had to tell you
about it right away.
Oh, really? Well, come in.
I am talking a huge spread
of bite-sized human morsels...
Sort of an
all-you-can-eat buffet.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, and here's one of Typhon
and I on rampage in Naxos last year.
We ate the nicest little
couple from Corinth.
Uh, look, Echidna...
And by the way, did I mention
you look positively
nauseating today?
Hades, you old
smoothie, talk to me.
Well, I'm in kind of a rush, so
here's the deal, broad-strokes,
there's a special
on sitting ducks
at Speedy Pita Park today.
I'm thinking this...
You get a nice meal,
I get 100,000 souls
and a couple of
vacant city-states.
What do you say, huh, deal?
Oh, I'd love to, Hades,
really, but 100,000?
I can't eat like that anymore.
Hey, big order. I know.
That's why I came to
you, mother of all monsters.
I thought maybe you could
hit up some of your relatives...
You know, like, subcontract.
Oh, a family outing.
What fun!
I'm sure Chimera will go
and my little Cyclops here,
if you've done your
homework, you stinkpot.
Ladon, of course.
Oh, Gegeneis, he loves Athenian
with a little olive oil
and myrrh, don't you?
Oh, I just got hungry.
Nice.
While Hades and Echidna
prepared to go big-games hunting,
the games themselves were
well underway with a new star.
Hello, sports fans, and
welcome to sports centaur.
I'm Dan Fetlock.
It's half time here
at Speedy Pita Park.
We've got a story as big
as Olympus... Hercules.
This kid has come
out of nowhere,
and he's producing laurel
branches like an overfertilized tree.
Let's go to the highlights.
He dominates the triple jump,
- but also the long jump...
- Good!
- The high jump...
- Good!
- The pole vault, even without a pole.
- Good!
How did he do in the
world's fastest man footrace?
The record for the
100 meters crumbles,
and so does the
stadium's east wall.
The bottom line is,
the fighting war dogs
roll over and play dead while
Hercules and the eagles soar
to a
20-laurel-wreath-to-nothing lead.
Ares is just getting
humiliated in this sibling rivalry.
20 to zip... even
if my Spartans win
every event from now
on, we can't catch up.
We are actually
going to win this year.
Oh. Oh, rah.
Ha! Sorry, Ares, but
my little Demigodling
is kicking your
keister. Ha ha ha.
What a gas! You know, I just love
these human athletic endeavor thingies.
Nectar, get your nectar here.
Yo, nectar.
Immortals only. ID, please.
ID? Of course I'm immortal.
Only immortals are
allowed in this section,
you... you speck of a human.
Human? Human athletic
endeavor. Ha ha ha.
Oh, that's it!
♪ Give me an "H,"
give me an "E" ♪
♪ Give me an R-C-U ♪
♪ Give me an "L,"
give me an "E" ♪
♪ Give me a final "S" ♪
♪ What's that spell? ♪
Uh, uh... Is that a silent "E"?
Hercules.
- Oh, OK, now we get it.
- Yeah, of course!
Hercules!
- Way to go, Herc.
- You're the best.
Way to go, Herc.
Ha ha. This is great.
I am finally a hero!
Correction, kid.
You're a sports hero...
Not the same thing.
OK, OK, a sports
hero, but still...
We really gave 110% and kicked
us some Spartan tail out there.
- You know?
- It's happened. He's speaking jock.
Oh!
I see blood,
Hercules, your blood.
Blood, sweat, tears... Whatever
it takes to win, you know?
Excuse me, Hercules?
Please, please. Come
on, no autographs.
- We're from PHAAA.
- Wow! You're from far? How far?
I mean, I live a couple
of leagues away myself.
No, we're from the P-H-AAA...
Panhellenic Amateur
Athletic Association.
And according to our guidelines,
we need to do a blood test.
Bingo.
A... A blood test?
This will only take a second.
You were right, almighty Ares.
The boy's DG-positive.
Ares, what are you... I'm what?
Demigod-positive,
Mr. Son of Zeus.
I... I...
You... You what,
didn't know demigods
aren't allowed to compete
against normal mortals?
Well, it's right here in
your daddy's decree.
These games are for, open
quotes, "Human athletic endeavor."
Close quotes, Ha ha ha.
Because Hercules is
half-human and half-god,
only half of his
victories will count,
and he is hereby disqualified
from further competition.
No.
Yes! It's comeback
time for my fighting dogs.
Flunked his blood test?
Totally... disqualified.
What a loser.
I heard the news.
Don't let it get you down, son.
It's only a games.
But I liked being an athlete.
I, I felt like a hero.
You know, all those
cheers and cheerleaders.
Is that what you think
being a hero's all about?
No, of course not,
but it was so cool.
Son, I think you may
have become an athlete
for the wrong reasons.
Athletics are valuable
for what they teach you,
not what they do
for your social life.
Don't worry, son.
Why, your chance
to be a real hero
could be waiting
just over the next rise.
Over this rise,
ladies, gentlemen,
and unidentified others.
Awaits your big chance to
become legendary monsters.
So after some quick
thanks and much ado...
And to your mother
of all monsters
for bringing you together
on such short notice...
I will just say,
eat up, everybody.
Welcome back to Sports Centaur.
The big news in the second
half is the banning of Hercules.
With the demigod
out of the lineup,
Sparta is making an
amazing comeback.
It's another wreath for Sparta,
and they've come
back to tie the score,
and the crowd is into it.
Here's a surprise
play... monsters.
There's Chimera,
fabulous 2-headed beast...
Head of a lion, body of a goat,
tail of a serpent. Talk
about a triple threat.
And there's Ladon...
Just a kid, oh,
but what potential.
And here comes Cyclops...
Ocularly challenged,
but don't let that fool you.
He had a terrific
season last year...
Just ate people alive.
This is certainly an
all-star monster lineup.
Father, what do we do?
Offhand, I'd say
we need a real hero.
Go get them, tiger.
Huh? But I can't...
Kid, what are you waiting for?
This is your big
shot. Get in there!
OK, I won't let you down, coach.
Heh heh heh.
Who would have thought it?
It's Hercules. What a comeback.
And I don't think those
officials from PHAAA
will be disqualifying
him this time,
'cause they just got devoured.
Work the body, kid!
He shoots...
he scores!
Cyclops... big, scary,
but no depth perception.
Hey, babe, no offense,
but you're not breeding
monsters like you used to.
Ah, kids today.
I guess if you want to
have something done right...
You go, girl.
Ha! Told you my boy could
handle those little creeps.
M... Mother. Aah!
Hermes, don't call for
your mommy. It's ungodly.
No, the mother of all monsters.
Oh, I see.
Hercules may be in a
little over his head here.
Hey! Get the bridge! Move 32-a!
Oy. Gods, I'm
beseeching you here.
She's going to eat my Athenians.
And my Spartans.
We can stop her
together, brother.
Together? You mean me and you?
Why not? We are, after all,
when everything's
said and done, siblings.
Well, I usually work alone,
ah, but what the Hades?
Come on!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
There's been a
last-minute substitution.
It's those gritty, gutty sibling
rivals Ares and Athena.
The monster's down...
The kick is up, and
she is going, going...
She is gone!
Oh, terrible.
Oh, great.
So much for my
sack-of-Athens wing.
Ugh... Now I've got
to fire the contractors,
and, oy, there's all that
brimstone I have to return.
I'll never get my
deposit back, bada bing,
there goes my credit rating.
Thanks for the
assist, guys, uh, gods.
And that was some
kind of hail-Hera kick
from the wise Athena,
but it was Hercules
who proved once again
you can't teach hustle.
The games have been
called on account of monsters.
It ends in a tie!
We didn't lose!
Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
♪ Adonis and the
others Are all just jocks ♪
♪ But Hercules,
Hercules, Hercules rocks ♪
Ha ha! Well done, my boy.
Ha!
See, kid, this is what it
feels like to be a real hero.
Yeah, I like it.
I foresaw that that whole
jock thing wouldn't stick.
Hey, welcome back to the fold.
High-five, baby!
"glad" in gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
The ancient Greeks
delighted in sports of all kinds.
They held great games to
celebrate human athletic endeavor...
The Panhellenic Games,
the Pythian Games,
and some very famous
games held every four years
in the historic city of Olympia.
Games so important
that all wars ceased,
so important that they
continue even to the modern day,
games which we can't mention
due to trademark restrictions.
But our story concerns a
less famous competition...
The bitter rivalry between
the fighting war dogs
of Spartan Military High
and the eagles of the
Athenian Prometheus Academy.
OK, OK, let's pick up
the slack, everyone.
This year we're finally
going to beat Sparta.
Athletes... Jocks... The enemy.
Don't you feel kind of
sorry for them? I mean...
They've lost 12
big games in a row.
Help me!
Hey! Maybe I could help out.
Show no pity, Hercmeister.
Jocks are our natural enemies.
Right, sugar plum?
Actually, you're
my natural enemy.
Jocks are a close second.
Eh! Who needs them?
Sure, they're more popular,
and more successful than us,
but we're the ones
with the good looks...
And the winning personalities.
Yeah, but they're the
ones with the cheerleaders.
♪ Don't dry it or wash it ♪
♪ Just grab that
plate and toss it ♪
Well, I've got a
training session with...
Ohh!
Hey, here you go.
Aah!
Oh, sorry.
Oh, never apologize
for who you are.
Who are you again?
Hercules.
Of course! The inconceivably
strong hero-in-training.
Why haven't you
tried out for the team?
Well, uh, I'm pretty busy
with my training, and, uh...
And he's not falling
for your siren song
of the jock's life, are
you, Hercaburger?
Well, I don't know. I...
You know, being on the
varsity does have its advantages.
Hi, Hercules.
I guess I could give it a try.
No! He's become one of them.
Them... them... them.
My son's going to
be in the big games?
Oh, that is great!
So, you don't think
being a jock is,
well, evil, like...
like Icarus says?
Evil? Bah.
Why, I was a pretty
good wrestler in my day.
Zeus the moose, they called me.
Sorry to interrupt, big Z.,
but you're late for the,
uh, gods' gala on Olympus.
Tell them I'll be
there in a minute.
All righty, babe.
Now tell me again
about that discus toss.
So, are you going to the
games tomorrow, brother?
You know I hate
sports, Athena...
A total waste of
the human instinct
to kill and maim.
Spoken like a true war god.
And I suppose you're going?
Oh, yes. I go every year to
cheer on my loyal Athenians.
This year we're
going to win for certain.
Sorry, cats. Zeus
is running late.
Hey, did you try
the ambrosia bars?
Bacchus manifested
them fresh today.
- They are so nutty.
- I don't like nuts.
Oh, gods. I hate these
monthly meeting Greek mixers.
I think Hades is the only
one who enjoys them.
Athena, looking
good. Nice smile.
Uh, let me borrow
your bro for a sec, OK?
Ares, babe... may
I call you babe?
Oh, war god supremo, huh?
Hey, you remember
the bronze age, huh?
Remember that...
wiping out the Minoans?
You slayed them. I buried them.
Good times, huh? Good times.
All right, Hades,
what do you want?
All right, look, OK?
Things are kind of dead
down in the underworld.
Or actually, they're
not dead enough.
Know what I'm saying?
Our soul index
is at a 2-year low.
Now for a quick boost in the
souls receivable department,
there is nothing like a war,
but we've had a total of, like,
zero wars lately. So,
like, what's up with that?
What do you mean?
There's been lots of wars...
The siege of Carthage,
uh, the occupation of Sicily,
the... the, you know...
Come on, come on. Border
skirmishes, police actions.
I mean war!
I'm thinking the big kalamada...
Sparta versus Athens.
Boom, huh? 15, 20k souls easy.
Come on! What do you say?
You know I'd love to order my
Spartans to invade my sister's turf, but...
All right! I'll tell you
what, to sweeten the deal,
I can't believe I'm doing this,
I will throw in
my patented Hadean
shield of invincibility.
Nothing can touch you
when you have this baby.
Top secret here.
Check out the
brochure. You like it?
Ooh. Oh, that looks neat-o.
Invincibility, huh?
Absolutely guaranteed
to protect your Spartans
from dismemberment, death,
and a variety of boo-boos.
It's a deal.
You'll need a new sack-of-Athens
wing just to hold all my victims.
Ha ha.
New wing, huh?
Ooh, I like it.
Ares, you the god.
No such thing as a Hadean
shield of invincibility, is there?
Yeah, right. Hello?
Helmet on too tight today?
Sounded good, though,
didn't that, though?
Hey, Bacchus, what is
that, rack of Minotaur? Nice.
Your city-state's
going down, Athena.
I've got the Hadean
shield of invincibility.
Oh, don't be absurd.
There is no such thing.
Is so. I have a brochure.
My Sparta's invading your
Athens tomorrow, baby.
Oh, no, you're not.
Tomorrow's the big games,
Prometheus Academy
versus Spartan Military,
and my boy is
playing for Athens.
Oh, come on. There's a war on.
I'm going to wipe
Athens off the map.
Put a sock in it.
We'd mop up the
Parthenon with you.
Yeah? You and whose navy?
The Athenian navy, you dolt.
Silence! I am sick and
tired of you two bickering
like a couple of 2000-year-olds.
I will not allow your
Athens-Sparta war
to ruin the Athens-Sparta games.
Say, war... games...
Athens... Sparta...
Now that is a godly idea.
We'll decide the war on
the athletic field. Ha ha.
What? My armies won't
fit on an athletic field.
No, no.
Hermes, take down a decree.
Here for you, babe.
Instead of war, human
athletic endeavor
shall decide whose
city-state is superior.
You are so wise.
Whichever high school wins
the most laurel wreaths
in tomorrow's games
shall win permanent
bragging rights
for their city-state forever.
Signed Zeus, ruler of
the cosmos, et cetera.
What does all that mean?
Our high school teams
will decide the war
instead of armies. I like it.
No! I am the God
of War, and I... Aah!
Will support them
in light competition.
Dig the new luxury boxes, babe.
Hah! Corporate sponsors...
You've got to love them.
And 5 and 6 and 7 and
8, and work those abs.
Everybody get in touch
with your inner winner.
Is that guy training
them for the game
or getting them ready
for bikini season?
Well, that's Physoedipus.
He... He's my coach.
- Herc, hey!
- Hercules!
Hey, hey, hey, I'm your
coach, and don't you forget it.
Hey, guys.
I'm glad you guys
came out to cheer me on.
These Spartans look tough.
We came to make one last effort
to keep you on
the side of the few,
The proud, the geeky.
O... OK, kid, let
me get this straight.
You throw this spear at who?
It's a javelin. I'm not
aiming it at anyone.
If I throw it farther
than the other guy, I win.
Oh, you win. You win what?
Well, a laurel wreath.
A bunch of leaves on a stick.
And the cheerleaders
will think I'm a hero.
Look, kid, I know
you're excited,
but there's more to being
a hero than that stuff.
- Kid...
- The games are starting!
Sparta! Sparta! Sparta!
Your muscle-bound
muttonheads don't stand a chance.
Oh, yeah? A 2-eon supply
of nectar says otherwise.
- You're on, brother.
- Psst, Ares, you got a minute?
Hey, what kind of
war god are you?
I've got construction workers
starting on my sack-of-Athens wing,
and you're making
book with Athena.
Hello? What happened to our war?
Sorry, Hades, deal's off.
- What?
- You get copied on the decree?
Hey, decree... no
decree is set in stone.
"Human endeavor...
bragging rights forever..."
OK, well, this
one's set in stone.
Leave it to Zeus to chisel me out
of 20,000 souls before breakfast.
Games... no blood, no bodies.
Who cares?
Some turnout, huh?
Every living Spartan and
Athenian soul must be in here.
Hey, what a minute. Living...
Hah! That could change.
Uh, I've got to
see an old friend.
Hi. Is your mommy home?
Mom...
The Lord of the
Dead's here to see you.
Oh, Hades, what a surprise.
Echidna, you look great.
The horns were
polished, were they?
Listen, I'm sorry
to drop in like this,
but I know how you love to eat.
I've found this great joint...
Had to tell you
about it right away.
Oh, really? Well, come in.
I am talking a huge spread
of bite-sized human morsels...
Sort of an
all-you-can-eat buffet.
Ha ha ha.
Oh, and here's one of Typhon
and I on rampage in Naxos last year.
We ate the nicest little
couple from Corinth.
Uh, look, Echidna...
And by the way, did I mention
you look positively
nauseating today?
Hades, you old
smoothie, talk to me.
Well, I'm in kind of a rush, so
here's the deal, broad-strokes,
there's a special
on sitting ducks
at Speedy Pita Park today.
I'm thinking this...
You get a nice meal,
I get 100,000 souls
and a couple of
vacant city-states.
What do you say, huh, deal?
Oh, I'd love to, Hades,
really, but 100,000?
I can't eat like that anymore.
Hey, big order. I know.
That's why I came to
you, mother of all monsters.
I thought maybe you could
hit up some of your relatives...
You know, like, subcontract.
Oh, a family outing.
What fun!
I'm sure Chimera will go
and my little Cyclops here,
if you've done your
homework, you stinkpot.
Ladon, of course.
Oh, Gegeneis, he loves Athenian
with a little olive oil
and myrrh, don't you?
Oh, I just got hungry.
Nice.
While Hades and Echidna
prepared to go big-games hunting,
the games themselves were
well underway with a new star.
Hello, sports fans, and
welcome to sports centaur.
I'm Dan Fetlock.
It's half time here
at Speedy Pita Park.
We've got a story as big
as Olympus... Hercules.
This kid has come
out of nowhere,
and he's producing laurel
branches like an overfertilized tree.
Let's go to the highlights.
He dominates the triple jump,
- but also the long jump...
- Good!
- The high jump...
- Good!
- The pole vault, even without a pole.
- Good!
How did he do in the
world's fastest man footrace?
The record for the
100 meters crumbles,
and so does the
stadium's east wall.
The bottom line is,
the fighting war dogs
roll over and play dead while
Hercules and the eagles soar
to a
20-laurel-wreath-to-nothing lead.
Ares is just getting
humiliated in this sibling rivalry.
20 to zip... even
if my Spartans win
every event from now
on, we can't catch up.
We are actually
going to win this year.
Oh. Oh, rah.
Ha! Sorry, Ares, but
my little Demigodling
is kicking your
keister. Ha ha ha.
What a gas! You know, I just love
these human athletic endeavor thingies.
Nectar, get your nectar here.
Yo, nectar.
Immortals only. ID, please.
ID? Of course I'm immortal.
Only immortals are
allowed in this section,
you... you speck of a human.
Human? Human athletic
endeavor. Ha ha ha.
Oh, that's it!
♪ Give me an "H,"
give me an "E" ♪
♪ Give me an R-C-U ♪
♪ Give me an "L,"
give me an "E" ♪
♪ Give me a final "S" ♪
♪ What's that spell? ♪
Uh, uh... Is that a silent "E"?
Hercules.
- Oh, OK, now we get it.
- Yeah, of course!
Hercules!
- Way to go, Herc.
- You're the best.
Way to go, Herc.
Ha ha. This is great.
I am finally a hero!
Correction, kid.
You're a sports hero...
Not the same thing.
OK, OK, a sports
hero, but still...
We really gave 110% and kicked
us some Spartan tail out there.
- You know?
- It's happened. He's speaking jock.
Oh!
I see blood,
Hercules, your blood.
Blood, sweat, tears... Whatever
it takes to win, you know?
Excuse me, Hercules?
Please, please. Come
on, no autographs.
- We're from PHAAA.
- Wow! You're from far? How far?
I mean, I live a couple
of leagues away myself.
No, we're from the P-H-AAA...
Panhellenic Amateur
Athletic Association.
And according to our guidelines,
we need to do a blood test.
Bingo.
A... A blood test?
This will only take a second.
You were right, almighty Ares.
The boy's DG-positive.
Ares, what are you... I'm what?
Demigod-positive,
Mr. Son of Zeus.
I... I...
You... You what,
didn't know demigods
aren't allowed to compete
against normal mortals?
Well, it's right here in
your daddy's decree.
These games are for, open
quotes, "Human athletic endeavor."
Close quotes, Ha ha ha.
Because Hercules is
half-human and half-god,
only half of his
victories will count,
and he is hereby disqualified
from further competition.
No.
Yes! It's comeback
time for my fighting dogs.
Flunked his blood test?
Totally... disqualified.
What a loser.
I heard the news.
Don't let it get you down, son.
It's only a games.
But I liked being an athlete.
I, I felt like a hero.
You know, all those
cheers and cheerleaders.
Is that what you think
being a hero's all about?
No, of course not,
but it was so cool.
Son, I think you may
have become an athlete
for the wrong reasons.
Athletics are valuable
for what they teach you,
not what they do
for your social life.
Don't worry, son.
Why, your chance
to be a real hero
could be waiting
just over the next rise.
Over this rise,
ladies, gentlemen,
and unidentified others.
Awaits your big chance to
become legendary monsters.
So after some quick
thanks and much ado...
And to your mother
of all monsters
for bringing you together
on such short notice...
I will just say,
eat up, everybody.
Welcome back to Sports Centaur.
The big news in the second
half is the banning of Hercules.
With the demigod
out of the lineup,
Sparta is making an
amazing comeback.
It's another wreath for Sparta,
and they've come
back to tie the score,
and the crowd is into it.
Here's a surprise
play... monsters.
There's Chimera,
fabulous 2-headed beast...
Head of a lion, body of a goat,
tail of a serpent. Talk
about a triple threat.
And there's Ladon...
Just a kid, oh,
but what potential.
And here comes Cyclops...
Ocularly challenged,
but don't let that fool you.
He had a terrific
season last year...
Just ate people alive.
This is certainly an
all-star monster lineup.
Father, what do we do?
Offhand, I'd say
we need a real hero.
Go get them, tiger.
Huh? But I can't...
Kid, what are you waiting for?
This is your big
shot. Get in there!
OK, I won't let you down, coach.
Heh heh heh.
Who would have thought it?
It's Hercules. What a comeback.
And I don't think those
officials from PHAAA
will be disqualifying
him this time,
'cause they just got devoured.
Work the body, kid!
He shoots...
he scores!
Cyclops... big, scary,
but no depth perception.
Hey, babe, no offense,
but you're not breeding
monsters like you used to.
Ah, kids today.
I guess if you want to
have something done right...
You go, girl.
Ha! Told you my boy could
handle those little creeps.
M... Mother. Aah!
Hermes, don't call for
your mommy. It's ungodly.
No, the mother of all monsters.
Oh, I see.
Hercules may be in a
little over his head here.
Hey! Get the bridge! Move 32-a!
Oy. Gods, I'm
beseeching you here.
She's going to eat my Athenians.
And my Spartans.
We can stop her
together, brother.
Together? You mean me and you?
Why not? We are, after all,
when everything's
said and done, siblings.
Well, I usually work alone,
ah, but what the Hades?
Come on!
Whoa. Wait a minute.
There's been a
last-minute substitution.
It's those gritty, gutty sibling
rivals Ares and Athena.
The monster's down...
The kick is up, and
she is going, going...
She is gone!
Oh, terrible.
Oh, great.
So much for my
sack-of-Athens wing.
Ugh... Now I've got
to fire the contractors,
and, oy, there's all that
brimstone I have to return.
I'll never get my
deposit back, bada bing,
there goes my credit rating.
Thanks for the
assist, guys, uh, gods.
And that was some
kind of hail-Hera kick
from the wise Athena,
but it was Hercules
who proved once again
you can't teach hustle.
The games have been
called on account of monsters.
It ends in a tie!
We didn't lose!
Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
♪ Adonis and the
others Are all just jocks ♪
♪ But Hercules,
Hercules, Hercules rocks ♪
Ha ha! Well done, my boy.
Ha!
See, kid, this is what it
feels like to be a real hero.
Yeah, I like it.
I foresaw that that whole
jock thing wouldn't stick.
Hey, welcome back to the fold.
High-five, baby!