Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 27 - Hercules and the Dream Date - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ah, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Aphrodite, the goddess of love.

Her beauty and grace were
renowned throughout the ancient world.

And each year, the Aphrodesia
Dance was held to honor her...

To honor love...
To, uh... You know.

Honey, you OK?

You don't know much
about love, do you, darling?

Well...

You just sit back
and soak it up, baby.

♪ They're hanging
the last decorations ♪

♪ The punch bowl
is filled to the brim ♪

♪ The teachers are
manning their stations ♪

♪ The band is about to begin ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Everybody's
gonna party tonight ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Are you ready for
the time of your life? ♪

♪ Tonight is the night ♪

♪ Cupid's in flight ♪

♪ Aimin' his arrows of love ♪

♪ It's everyone's chance
to find new romance ♪

♪ Under the heavens above ♪

♪ Makin' your move while
the music is groovin' ♪

Excuse me. I don't mean to pry.

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Everybody's
gonna party tonight ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Are you ready for
the time of your life? ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ It's a party starring
the goddess of love ♪

♪ Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Gonna boogie ♪

♪ At the Aphrodesia Dance ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

No, I don't have a date yet.

Is that a problem?

Herc, this dance will
forever seal your place

in the social order
of the cosmos!

That's a little drastic,
don't you think?

For the fool who
wants to fit in.

It'll make or break you.

Then again, I
went stag last year,

and it didn't seem
to hurt my rep.

Better get a date.

Whoa!

Sorry, sonny.

That's the night I pluck
the hair out of my mole.

What's wrong with me?

Oh, Herc, some people have
animal magnetism, i.e. me,

and some don't.

Ipso facto you, buddy.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe girls just don't
find me attractive.

Stations, people.

We have art to create.

Oh, snookie bottom,
forgot your lunchie-wunchie.

Come here.

Who's that?

What? Oh, that's Mrs. Pygmalion.

Mrs. Pygmalion?

How did old man Pygmalion
land a vision like that?

Well, the word on the street is

that he made her out of clay.

Get out!

True story.

He sculpted himself a perfect woman,
invoked Aphrodite, and bamo, baby!

Love connection!

She... must... be... perfect.

Clay, the basic elements
of earth and water

taking form under
my masterful hands.

Plus, it's squishy!

Finished!

Oh.

Oh, hey. Interesting
creative choice there.

You were going for a Gorgon?

Uh, well, Aphrodite
will get the idea.

Aphrodite, goddess
of love and passion,

hear my plea!

You have reached
the Aphrodite helpline.

Your beseechment is
important to us. Please hold.

Thank you for holding.

We realize you have your choice of
deities and appreciate your patronage.

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

Greetings, mortal.

I am Aphrodite, goddess
of... Oh, hey, wait.

You're, like, Zeus' son, right?

Uh yeah.

Oh, what a relief.

All day I have been swamped by
goons who can't get dates for my dance.

So what can I do for you?

Uh... Could you bring
her to life, please?

I, uh, need a
date for the dance.

- Wait, you couldn't get a date?
- I tried!

Fighting monsters is easy.

Getting a date is hard.

So you want the easy way out?

OK.

Ew.

All right, I'm
thinking makeover.

Good.

Yeah, good, but?

Hmm, but I... I
really like tall girls.

How's that?

A little taller?

OK, good.

Um, curvy?

A little more curvy?

OK, that's curvy enough
for you, young man.

That's it. She's perfect.

Oh, thank you, Aphrodite.

OK.

Um, aren't you
forgetting something?

Uh, dance, me, beautiful date.

The corsage!

Hello! Her personality.

Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

Uh, just make her,
uh, crazy about me.

Oh, OK. So beautiful
and crazy about you.

Good. Digging deep, huh?

OK, here's your dream date.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh! My babies! Oh!

Hercules, meet Galatea.

She's everything
you've asked for.

Uh, hi.

Hi.

Oh, yeah. She's a keeper.

So, what is it that you
dragged me here to see?

Close your eyes!

No.

OK, enough suspense.

Look! I made 'em in art class!

Oh, aren't they precious?

Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo!

More weirdness.

What are they?

Oh, Cassandra,
they're our babies!

Never mention you, me, and
offspring in the same sentence.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait.

There's more, and you
do not want to miss it.

Curse my morbid
sense of curiosity.

Naturally, Helen and I will be elected
king and queen of the Aphrodesia Dance.

Who else even stands the
slightest chance? I mean, really.

I'm speaking here.

Why is no one listening?

Hello!

Hey! How's it going?

Hey, girls. Hey, how you doing?

Who is that?

Please. Could she
have worn a tighter tunic?

Hey, guys.

You did the Pygmalion
thing, didn't you?

Not everybody needs to know it.

Cassandra, I'd like you to meet
my date for the dance, Galatea.

Cassandra, Icarus' girlfriend.

That's a geek myth.

Then whose girlfriend are you?

Nobody's.

Are you looking?

No.

Good.

Oh, Hercules, I don't know
where I'd be without you.

Maybe in a bucket
in the art class?

Adonis, who's that
new girl with Hercules?

They make such a cute couple.
I'm going to go introduce myself.

OK. Get me one, too.

Um, Hercules.

I just had to come over
and meet your friend.

I'm Helen.

- Galatea.
- Super!

Galatea, let me tell you,
Hercules is so kind and cute.

He's a total doll.

So, you like Hercules?

Oh, I adore the
beans out of him.

Helen, can you show me
where the powder room is?

Absotively.

Hmm. Let me ask you,

which word best describes
your whole create-a-date scheme,

stupid or demented?

So I wished for a beautiful
girl who's crazy about me.

Crazy about you?

Excuse me. Have you met Icarus?

OK, I'll call you
Cassandra Junior.

And you Cassie, and you
Cassandy, and you Cassandyra.

Well... nah.

Galatea's perfect. She's
already making friends with Helen.

Look at Hercules again, and
I will rip out your vocal cords.

Okey-dokey.

It was really nice to
meet you. Bye-bye.

I'm back. Miss me?

You bet. Hey, where's Helen?

Powder room fixing her face.

But I'm here.

And when we're together, it's
like Mount Olympus on Earth.

It is, isn't it?

"Cast your vote for king and
queen of the Aphrodesia Dance."

What do I do?

You write in the couple
who you think should win.

Oh, vote for us!

OK.

Oh, wouldn't it
be neat if we won?

Yeah.

Hey, there's Icarus
and Cassandra.

So, where's your
claymate of the month?

Right behind me. Be nice, OK?

All sweetness and light.

I'm back! Miss me?

So, Galatea, how do
you like our school?

Love it!

- What classes are you taking?
- None.

None? What are you gonna do all
day, obsessively follow Hercules?

Pretty much.

Yeah.

Really, I... I can handle
this one on my own.

Galatea, I appreciate all the
attention, but can we cool it down?

- Whatever.
- Oh, good.

Whatever you say.

No, see, I know you mean well,
but I think you get carried away.

Attention! Attention, please!

Thank you.

The king and queen of the
upcoming Aphrodesia Dance are,

by unanimous vote,
Hercules and Galatea!

You didn't do this, did you?

You did.

And where is our
happy royal couple?

We do have a schedule.

Ah, here they are now.

Oh, gosh, I can't
believe we won!

That's uncle Hercules up there.

Yes, it is.

Would you switch
seats with me, please?

Oh, wow!

I-I really can't believe we won.

I didn't expect
to win, but I just...

I want to thank the boy who took
me in his arms and shaped me.

Hercules.

I, uh... This is a great honor, and
I'd love to be the king of the dance...

Yes, yes. Sorry, out of time.
Really must keep it moving.

Wait. I don't deserve this.

Ah, humility. Admirable quality.

It couldn't have been unanimous.

I know that I voted for myself.

Yes, yes. I'm sure.

If you have a complaint, as you often do,
you may lodge it with the student council.

They're powerless anyway.

But the king of the Aphrodesia
Dance is my birthright.

I am a prince.

It's an insult to the gods to
award this honor to jerkules.

Galatea!

Won't have you talking
to Hercules like that.

Galatea, put Adonis down.
I don't want you to hurt him.

You don't? Well, OK then.

Oh, I would never ever do
anything to displease you.

Uh! Me either.

So, handsome, what
should we do now?

Galatea, we've got to talk.

You're a nice girl.

Perfect even... in some ways,
but I don't think this is working out.

Is it me? 'Cause I can change.

Would you like
me taller, shorter,

something more exotic?

No, no, no. That's
not the problem.

I want you to be
your own person.

OK, then I'll be my own person.

You can't because I
didn't make you that way.

Look, what is that?

The sun?

And if I say it's the moon?

Did I say sun? I meant moon.

See what I mean?

I'm sorry, Galatea,
but it's over.

But... but it can't be over!

I won't let you go!

Don't you understand?
I'm crazy about you!

Come with me if
you want to live.

Cassandra, how did you
know I'd be in trouble?

Duh. You had a vision, right?

I have extensive experience
with obsessive affection.

Icarus, now!

Attack, my potties! Attack!

What? Ow!

Galatea, I hope
we can be friends.

You'll find someone
else soon, I'm sure.

It's not you, it's me.

I promise it won't hurt
as much tomorrow.

I have some growing up to do.

Aah! Ooh!

I'm just not ready for
this sort of commitment.

I feel bad about doing that,
but she left me no choice.

I mean, she was dangerous.

Galatea could not
be here tonight,

due to the revelation that
she's a mutating clay monster,

so we've been forced to
choose a new king and queen.

Please welcome Helen and Adonis,

whose father has just made a
sizeable donation to the academy.

Um, Adonis, he made it sound
like you bought the election.

And surprisingly
affordable it was.

Yes, it's me.

Oh, no.

Did I tell the sitter
to read a story?

Because Cassie won't
sleep without a story.

Any chance we can
leave Icarus on that island?

I'm sure Galatea
could use the company.

Don't remind me.
This is all wrong.

I can't just leave Galatea
in the middle of the Aegean.

Uh, that's not an issue anymore.

I'm back! Miss me?

Watch it! Duck!

Hercules...

You, me, dance now.

Sorry, Galatea, but
I'm sitting this one out.

Ga-ah!

- Fire!
- Aah!

Please, please! Don't
panic! Get out of my way!

Don't play hard to get.

Oh!

Help me!

Galatea!

Hurry, man.

The heat from those flames
is gonna bake her like clay,

which I guess she is.

Oh!

Herc...

Oh, no.

Galatea.

You... will... be... mine.

♪ Aphrodite ♪

♪ The goddess of love ♪

It's one dance after another.
Where am I now? Athens?

Oh, what? Oh, I'm a little
late, and you start a riot?

I'm sorry, but this is a
busy time of year for me.

Uh-oh.

Trouble with the
little lady, Hercules?

I was stupid.

And selfish.

- And shallow.
- And sexist.

OK, all true. Thank you.

Galatea deserved better. She
deserved to be her own person.

Oh, look at you. You've
had a growing moment.

Wow. All right.

Well, let's make her a person.

So, maybe a little free
will, mind of her own.

Galatea, I'm sorry.

May I have this dance?

Oh, Hercules,
that'd be wonderful...

If I felt that way about
you, which I don't.

And I'm sorry, but you know
what? It's not you, it's me.

I have some growing up to do. It
won't hurt as much tomorrow. I promise.

I hope we can still be friends.
Where'd that hunky Ajax go?

You know, baby, if you ever
wanted me out of your life,

I love you enough that
I would get right out.

Get out.

Like a bat out of the
underworld, color me gone.

Leave. Get out. Go.

I mean, if you love
something, you set it free, right?

Sorry it worked
out like that, kid.

Yeah. I guess you
made a better wish, huh?

Nope. The wife's as
loony as they come.

But look at her. Look at me.

I ain't complaining.

So long, suckers!

All right, not everyone
gets the lesson.