Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 26 - Hercules and the Trojan War - full transcript
The Trojan War occurs in the form of a high school rivalry between Prometheus Academy and their Trojan rivals. When a Helen, the Homecoming Queen is "kidnapped" meant as a harmless prank, ...
♪ Who put the
"glad" in Gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
Homer, Greekly
world news, reporting.
Dateline, Athens.
All right, kids, my editor says you
have a genuine front-page shocker.
Frankly, I'm skeptical.
What's this story about?
It's about shame.
It's about royalty.
It's about the shame of royalty.
And the wave of the future!
Steam power.
What say you, wet
glum guy with a crown?
It's about how we lost Helen.
Mmm, no. It's...
it's about how...
I lost Helen.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let's start at the beginning.
Well, it was homecoming week.
And everyone was working
hard to get the school ready.
Or... almost everyone.
Adonis, I was wondering,
maybe we could pitch in
with the decorating this year.
Helen, are you delirious?
No. I... I... I just
thought it might be fun
to join in with our classmates.
Oh, but, my dear Helen,
it's much more delicious
to lord power over them.
Speaking of which, my favorite
little grunt needs attending to.
Watch this. Oh, Hercules!
It's crooked.
It is not.
Helen, my dear,
it's crooked, right?
It doesn't look crook...
Of course it is!
Fix it, jerkules.
You say it's crooked.
I say it's straight.
What makes you
right and me wrong?
Oh, it's very simple.
I'm royalty.
Yeah, at home in Thrace.
But this is Athens,
which means you're just
a guy with a big mouth.
Oh, you don't know?
No one told you?
I'm also the officially
ordained homecoming king
of the Prometheus Academy.
Wha... you're royalty
of the school, too?
Oh, yes. The title's
been passed down
through my family for ages.
Sort of an heirloom, as it were.
Well I never picked
him to be my king!
Don't I get a say in who my
leaders are? In what way is this fair?
Mr. Parentheses, royalty is
founded on the very notion
that life is unfair, for
the commoner, at least.
Hmm. Considering
Athens' reputation...
Cradle of democracy
and all that...
That really is quite
a double standard.
Why not let the students
decide for themselves
who'll be their homecoming king?
Sounds like a smashing idea!
But a logistical nightmare.
It's a ridiculous idea!
Ho ho ho! Who'd be fool
enough to run against me?
Well, call me a fool.
"Vote Adonis because
he deserves it."
Huh. Why bother?
"Vote Hercules because
Adonis doesn't deserve it"!
OK!
All right! I'm am
votin' for Her...
Wait. What's his name again?
Looks like years of bein' a jerk
have caught up
with ya, Adonis, huh?
They were very good years.
I wouldn't change a thing.
O mighty lord of the school,
you are my liege and
I your humble servant.
Eh, psst! Woman, get down on
your knee before the imperious one!
You'd think this sort of stuff would
get less embarrassing with time.
It doesn't.
Icarus, get up.
But, sire, you're
my mighty king.
I'm your homecoming
king. It's not that big a deal.
Hi, Hercules.
So on Friday, when will
you pick me up, 7:00?
- Huh?
- The homecoming?
You're the king,
and I'm the queen?
She ran unopposed.
The dangers of a
one-party system.
Um, there was one
vote for someone named,
Uh... Feta cheeks.
You were my write-in vote.
Hey!
Oh, w-w-wait.
You're my date to
the homecoming ball?
Why, yes, silly.
Oh, I've never
gone without Adonis.
This will be fun for us both.
No doubt!
All right, all right, all right!
Stop this at once!
Your rags-to-royalty journey has
been quite the heartwarming tale.
But you'll soon learn the weight
of that crown is a heavy one.
Helen, attend me.
He's so cute when he's needy.
Bye, Hercules. See ya Friday!
Well, I believe you were saying
your royal title is no big deal?
I take it back.
Being the homecoming king rules!
And now, fellow Trojans,
we strike a blow
for stallion pride!
The Trojans shall
pay with body parts!
This is an outrage!
Oh! This is disgraceful, sire!
Oh, it lacks any sense
of artistic of éclat.
"Stallion Pride"?
Wh-why would they do this?
I wouldn't dig too deep
for a hidden meaning.
An impish homecoming prank!
I.e. Trojans strike again.
Designed to deflate the
morale of the opposition.
Ipso Facto: Us.
They never would have
dared such an atrocity
when I was in power.
What are you
going to do about it?
Yeah! Yeah! What are
you gonna do about it?
Well, uh... I guess I could
get a bucket of soapy water
and a... and a scrub brush.
I think I could
get that paint off.
Ooh! A brush and soapy water.
Well, that is a bold move!
That'll teach
those wily Trojans.
I-if I could have a word
with my, uh, royal advisors.
We can't strike
back! It's not nice!
Ooh! It's not nice!
Come on. It's all just good-natured
fun. Homecoming tradition.
They expect us to
retaliate, your worship.
Look, if we do something,
then... then they'll do
something else back.
Yes, sir! That's it, baby!
Stir the pot.
That's how things
get out of hand!
Cassandra, you
agree with me, right?
I don't know!
I'd say yes, but something
is holding me back.
A weird feeling
of... School spirit?
Eww! Sweet Zeus!
What have I become?
Reclaim the honor of
our alma mater, Hercules.
Well, a prank isn't really...
Or give back that crown!
Uh, OK. Uh...
Eagle pride forever!
Eagle pride! Eagle
pride! Eagle pride...
I can't believe it.
Look at this place.
Ugh. I know. It's all so Trojan.
That's not what I was
getting at. Look around.
It looks just like the
Prometheus Academy.
Uh, yeah, right!
Next you're gonna tell me
that the Trojans aren't
so different from us.
Your majesty, can we please
dispense with the open-mindedness?
You have a royal responsibility.
Right. Gotta keep my focus.
This is all about school spirit.
There! That's our target.
OK. The coast is clear.
Commence operation payback.
Ha ha ha! Really.
What I did to that statue
was an improvement.
The Prometheus
Academy should thank me.
Uh... Paris? Our
statue is movin'.
Whatever are you
blabbering about?
- Whoa.
- Who's that?
- What's he doin'?
- Wow.
- Dude is strong!
- How can he lift that?
What the... I say! Excuse me!
Just what do you
think you're doing?
Hey! You messed with our statue.
Now we're messin' with yours!
Ho! Yee-hah! Yessir!
Eagle pride! Caw caw!
That's right! We got you, buddy!
Look, Promethean...
That's a very special
statue you're holding.
And I wouldn't want you...
What? Are the big
bad Trojans worried
about a little prank
with their statue?
Aw... whoop! Whoopsy-daisy!
Ooh! Whoa-oh-oh! Whoopsy-daisy!
No! No! Please!
Put it down... please?
Oh! You guys are
such babies. It's just fun.
I'm just playin'... oops.
What have you done?
This was a gift
from... Hephaestus!
A present upon the
founding of this academy!
Fathers and mothers
bring their children here
to see the glorious marvel
that is the pride of Troy!
And you... broke it!
Flee, your majesty! Flee!
It's supposed to be
good-natured fun!
How'd you get elected
homecoming king, anyway?
What? You voted for me!
No! I voted against Adonis!
You know there's,
like, a whole difference!
You have cast us all in the
dirt-dark shadow of shame!
Whoa. That's dark.
Damage control time.
We've got to put a positive
spin on this disaster.
I'll just be honest.
You're new at
politics, aren't you?
Look, guys, I'm sorry.
Things just sorta
got outta hand.
Indeed! Out of your clumsy hand.
Now, let's nip this
power-to-the-people folly in the bud, 'k?
Shall we?
All rise for our
elected royalty!
There's a
contradiction in terms.
Our lovely queen Helen...
And our strapping, but
woefully clumsy King Hercules!
Oh, don't feel bad.
Your prank got a
little out of hand,
but I'm sure the Trojans
took it all in good fun.
No prisoners!
Oh, my! They
seem a little touchy.
Don't worry. I'll take care of
this. Do you want anything?
Maybe a drink or
something? I'll be right back.
So that was the
start of the hostilities?
Yiieee!
Yeah, it got pretty hostile,
but we gave as good as we got.
Eagle pride was preserved,
For what that's worth.
Because when all
was said and done,
we paid a pretty heavy price.
I guess we showed
them, huh, Helen?
Helen? Where'd
she go? What's this?
Where's helen? Did she
finally wise up and dump you?
No. It's worse than that.
The Trojans kidnapped Helen!
Given the nature of the crisis,
I've called you all here
as special advisors.
The question before us...
How do we get Helen
back from the Trojans?
I'm going on a hunger strike!
From now on, I won't
eat until Helen is returned!
So take that, Trojan swine!
Ajax, got an idea?
Excuse me. You wouldn't
happen to have a cookie, would ya?
A little snacky-wacky?
Any munchie-wunchie
will do. Come on.
Look, we can't just burst
in there and grab Helen.
Amazon warriors
cut the "T" off can't.
Tempest, the Trojan
Academy has tightened security.
They'd cream us even
before we got to the gate!
Then we will not sail
to the eternal shores
of the river Styx alone!
I'm kinda looking for a plan
that minimizes the
death angle, ya know?
Adonis, I could use your help.
My... my what? I'm sorry.
I didn't quite catch that.
What was that last part?
Help.
Oh, not so smug now,
are you, King Hercules?
Well, what would you have done?
Usually, when the
Trojans painted the statue,
I'd order my servants to
clean it before anyone saw it.
Then I would fire
off a scathing letter!
And that was that.
A letter? That's the retaliation
you were demanding?
A scathing letter!
Bursting with verbs... action
words... Really tough stuff.
Hold on! I gotta... Whoa!
Pressure drop. I
kinda stood up too fast.
OK. This may be starvation talk,
But I've got an idea.
Let me get this straight.
We sneak into the
Trojan Academy in... that?
Hah! It's so crazy,
it has to work!
It's the horseless horse my
Dadalus and I have been working on.
All the pleasures
of horse riding
without all the stinky. Hah!
You're cracked.
No, no. No, he isn't.
In fact, I don't think
it's a bad idea at all.
At... all?
OK. It's... it's... it's
not a great idea,
but it's all we've
got to save Helen.
Ho, easy there.
Let's hit the drive-through
on the way, OK? Come on!
"Dear Trojan Academy,
sorry about your
statue and stuff.
Please take this one instead.
Love, the Prometheus Academy."
Huh. Extending the olive branch.
How very Athenian.
And yet, something seems wrong.
Their letters are usually
rife with action words.
I told you so! They're onto us!
It's all over.
Good! My blade
thirsts for Trojan blood!
Tempest! I can't
emphasize strongly enough
this is not a death raid.
It seems a well-intentioned,
if crude, gesture.
I say we take it!
Absolutemente! Why
didn't I think of that?
Oh, yeah, that's
great. That's perfect.
Yeah, yeah, it seems to
be sensible enough to me.
Open the gates!
Hah! See? I told
you this would work.
Oh, man! I am so
hungry, I could eat a horse!
Hah! Which is pretty ironic
when you think about it.
- Shh!
- Oh, don't shush me!
All clear!
Uh-oh! Look natural.
Stallion Pride!
- Yeah...
- Whatever.
You bet.
She's gotta be here somewhere.
Wh-where are they holding her?
I see Helen in the
company of her captors.
I do not trust your
sorcerer's ways.
The only vision I believe
is that of my own two eyes.
She's over there.
Oh.
Now is the time!
Trojan, we demand
our queen back!
Oh! Hi, Hercules.
It's about time.
I was wondering when
you'd reveal yourself.
You... knew we were here?
I'm always wary of
geeks bearing gifts.
Trojans! Prepare to humiliate!
Oh! Very good, Paris!
But you've overlooked
one very important fact.
Herc here is a demigod.
Throw the whole
student body at him!
Ha ha! He'll just keep coming!
Oh, heavens to Betsy.
That would be a
problem, wouldn't it, hmm?
That is, if we didn't
have our new...
exchange student.
Cousin Otus?
Arrrrgh...
Correct. Otus is
a son of Poseidon.
So that makes him...
Eh, let me see now...
Hmm... Oh. A demigod.
I say, Otus,
how about a good sound thrashing
for our Prometheus
Academy friend, hmm?
Hercules, I have an idea.
Next year, don't run for king.
Deal.
Abort mission!
They're savages! Savages, I say!
Get 'em! Get 'em!
Wake up! Wake up, my liege!
Talk to me, buddy!
What happened?
You know, for a demigod,
you've got a glass jaw.
Better to die on our feet
than live on our knees!
What?
Surrender is
perfectly reasonable
and much less messy
than death. Watch.
Hello! Hello?
We surrender!
Ouch! Ooh! Ah!
OK. I'm open to
other suggestions.
Hah! Boiler's ready, baby!
Icarus, wh-what are ya doin'?
Well, I'm an
inventor's son, buddy,
and this cart's got
a few surprises.
Witness the awesome
glory of steam power!
Whoa. It moves.
Barely.
Hooo-whee! Eat my dust, Troy!
Whoo!
Icarus, c-can't
we go any faster?
Whoo... well, no. Come on.
We're centuries ahead
of ourselves as it is.
Just calm down.
As dreadfully exciting
as this chase is,
I think I shall put an
end to it before I grow old.
Ready the Augean stable cheese!
Yeah! Right here!
Aye, aye, sir!
Yes, sir! You got it!
Let them have it!
Who wants the cheese?
Take that!
Take that!
How do ya like that?
Wow! That is ripe!
D-ooh! There's the stinky!
Hey! We're pickin' up speed.
We're gonna make it!
Uh, not to do my usual
raining on the parade,
uh, but we're
headed for a cliff.
A cliff?
Icarus, can't you stop us?
Not to worry, my liege.
Hah! This thing still has a
few tricks up its wooden sleeve.
That's right!
Wings!
Icarus! We're not flying!
Well, yeah, but the winds
will cut the impact
of the crash by 10%.
See? Those wings really
did the trick, huh? Huh?
Have a nice swim
home, Hercules. Heh heh.
I'll give your best
to Helen! Heh heh!
Stallion pride! Stallion pride!
Stallion pride...
So what have you
learned from all this?
Honor is kept only by the sword.
Perhaps the horseless
horse needs a little fine-tuning.
School spirit should be
left to girls with pompoms.
Democracy reeks.
Being a leader is tough?
Don't be swayed by the crowd?
Pranks can get outta hand?
I... I don't know!
Look, what I do know
is that I'm not giving up.
We've gotta find a
way to save Helen!
Save me?
Hercules, whatever
are you talking about?
Helen! You escaped! How?
Escaped?
You were the Trojans'
prisoner, my darling.
Oh, you sillies.
I was their guest.
You see, I thought this
whole homecoming rivalry
had gotten out of hand, so
I decided to do something.
I went straight to Troy
and talked to that Paris.
And you know what? Hmmm.
He's not so bad after all.
Wait! You weren't a prisoner?
No!
But I am going to be Paris' date
for their homecoming dance.
Aah!
I'm just glad you're safe.
Hoo hoo! Now the
healing can begin!
Come on! Group hug!
Or not.
OK. How about hanging
out at the speedy pita?
OK, cool. Let's go.
Yeah. Heh. I'm starving.
- Sure.
- OK. Yeah.
Well, I suppose I could do that.
Who's paying?
So she wasn't even kidnapped.
I gotta spice
this story up a bit.
Forget this high
school rivalry stuff.
We need a war!
A 10-year war
between city-states,
started by Helen, whose
face could launch a hundred...
No. Make that a thousand ships.
I'll throw in Achilles,
give it a tragic angle.
Now we're cookin'! Yowzah!
"glad" in Gladiator? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Is he bold? ♪
♪ No one braver ♪
♪ Is he sweet? ♪
♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪
- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪
♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪
♪ Now the boy's in school ♪
♪ He's in trainin' ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' ♪
♪ And the nicest guy ♪
♪ No complainin' ♪
♪ He was a no one ♪
♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪
♪ From zero to hero ♪
♪ Herc is a hero ♪
♪ He'll be a hero ♪
Wait and see!
Homer, Greekly
world news, reporting.
Dateline, Athens.
All right, kids, my editor says you
have a genuine front-page shocker.
Frankly, I'm skeptical.
What's this story about?
It's about shame.
It's about royalty.
It's about the shame of royalty.
And the wave of the future!
Steam power.
What say you, wet
glum guy with a crown?
It's about how we lost Helen.
Mmm, no. It's...
it's about how...
I lost Helen.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let's start at the beginning.
Well, it was homecoming week.
And everyone was working
hard to get the school ready.
Or... almost everyone.
Adonis, I was wondering,
maybe we could pitch in
with the decorating this year.
Helen, are you delirious?
No. I... I... I just
thought it might be fun
to join in with our classmates.
Oh, but, my dear Helen,
it's much more delicious
to lord power over them.
Speaking of which, my favorite
little grunt needs attending to.
Watch this. Oh, Hercules!
It's crooked.
It is not.
Helen, my dear,
it's crooked, right?
It doesn't look crook...
Of course it is!
Fix it, jerkules.
You say it's crooked.
I say it's straight.
What makes you
right and me wrong?
Oh, it's very simple.
I'm royalty.
Yeah, at home in Thrace.
But this is Athens,
which means you're just
a guy with a big mouth.
Oh, you don't know?
No one told you?
I'm also the officially
ordained homecoming king
of the Prometheus Academy.
Wha... you're royalty
of the school, too?
Oh, yes. The title's
been passed down
through my family for ages.
Sort of an heirloom, as it were.
Well I never picked
him to be my king!
Don't I get a say in who my
leaders are? In what way is this fair?
Mr. Parentheses, royalty is
founded on the very notion
that life is unfair, for
the commoner, at least.
Hmm. Considering
Athens' reputation...
Cradle of democracy
and all that...
That really is quite
a double standard.
Why not let the students
decide for themselves
who'll be their homecoming king?
Sounds like a smashing idea!
But a logistical nightmare.
It's a ridiculous idea!
Ho ho ho! Who'd be fool
enough to run against me?
Well, call me a fool.
"Vote Adonis because
he deserves it."
Huh. Why bother?
"Vote Hercules because
Adonis doesn't deserve it"!
OK!
All right! I'm am
votin' for Her...
Wait. What's his name again?
Looks like years of bein' a jerk
have caught up
with ya, Adonis, huh?
They were very good years.
I wouldn't change a thing.
O mighty lord of the school,
you are my liege and
I your humble servant.
Eh, psst! Woman, get down on
your knee before the imperious one!
You'd think this sort of stuff would
get less embarrassing with time.
It doesn't.
Icarus, get up.
But, sire, you're
my mighty king.
I'm your homecoming
king. It's not that big a deal.
Hi, Hercules.
So on Friday, when will
you pick me up, 7:00?
- Huh?
- The homecoming?
You're the king,
and I'm the queen?
She ran unopposed.
The dangers of a
one-party system.
Um, there was one
vote for someone named,
Uh... Feta cheeks.
You were my write-in vote.
Hey!
Oh, w-w-wait.
You're my date to
the homecoming ball?
Why, yes, silly.
Oh, I've never
gone without Adonis.
This will be fun for us both.
No doubt!
All right, all right, all right!
Stop this at once!
Your rags-to-royalty journey has
been quite the heartwarming tale.
But you'll soon learn the weight
of that crown is a heavy one.
Helen, attend me.
He's so cute when he's needy.
Bye, Hercules. See ya Friday!
Well, I believe you were saying
your royal title is no big deal?
I take it back.
Being the homecoming king rules!
And now, fellow Trojans,
we strike a blow
for stallion pride!
The Trojans shall
pay with body parts!
This is an outrage!
Oh! This is disgraceful, sire!
Oh, it lacks any sense
of artistic of éclat.
"Stallion Pride"?
Wh-why would they do this?
I wouldn't dig too deep
for a hidden meaning.
An impish homecoming prank!
I.e. Trojans strike again.
Designed to deflate the
morale of the opposition.
Ipso Facto: Us.
They never would have
dared such an atrocity
when I was in power.
What are you
going to do about it?
Yeah! Yeah! What are
you gonna do about it?
Well, uh... I guess I could
get a bucket of soapy water
and a... and a scrub brush.
I think I could
get that paint off.
Ooh! A brush and soapy water.
Well, that is a bold move!
That'll teach
those wily Trojans.
I-if I could have a word
with my, uh, royal advisors.
We can't strike
back! It's not nice!
Ooh! It's not nice!
Come on. It's all just good-natured
fun. Homecoming tradition.
They expect us to
retaliate, your worship.
Look, if we do something,
then... then they'll do
something else back.
Yes, sir! That's it, baby!
Stir the pot.
That's how things
get out of hand!
Cassandra, you
agree with me, right?
I don't know!
I'd say yes, but something
is holding me back.
A weird feeling
of... School spirit?
Eww! Sweet Zeus!
What have I become?
Reclaim the honor of
our alma mater, Hercules.
Well, a prank isn't really...
Or give back that crown!
Uh, OK. Uh...
Eagle pride forever!
Eagle pride! Eagle
pride! Eagle pride...
I can't believe it.
Look at this place.
Ugh. I know. It's all so Trojan.
That's not what I was
getting at. Look around.
It looks just like the
Prometheus Academy.
Uh, yeah, right!
Next you're gonna tell me
that the Trojans aren't
so different from us.
Your majesty, can we please
dispense with the open-mindedness?
You have a royal responsibility.
Right. Gotta keep my focus.
This is all about school spirit.
There! That's our target.
OK. The coast is clear.
Commence operation payback.
Ha ha ha! Really.
What I did to that statue
was an improvement.
The Prometheus
Academy should thank me.
Uh... Paris? Our
statue is movin'.
Whatever are you
blabbering about?
- Whoa.
- Who's that?
- What's he doin'?
- Wow.
- Dude is strong!
- How can he lift that?
What the... I say! Excuse me!
Just what do you
think you're doing?
Hey! You messed with our statue.
Now we're messin' with yours!
Ho! Yee-hah! Yessir!
Eagle pride! Caw caw!
That's right! We got you, buddy!
Look, Promethean...
That's a very special
statue you're holding.
And I wouldn't want you...
What? Are the big
bad Trojans worried
about a little prank
with their statue?
Aw... whoop! Whoopsy-daisy!
Ooh! Whoa-oh-oh! Whoopsy-daisy!
No! No! Please!
Put it down... please?
Oh! You guys are
such babies. It's just fun.
I'm just playin'... oops.
What have you done?
This was a gift
from... Hephaestus!
A present upon the
founding of this academy!
Fathers and mothers
bring their children here
to see the glorious marvel
that is the pride of Troy!
And you... broke it!
Flee, your majesty! Flee!
It's supposed to be
good-natured fun!
How'd you get elected
homecoming king, anyway?
What? You voted for me!
No! I voted against Adonis!
You know there's,
like, a whole difference!
You have cast us all in the
dirt-dark shadow of shame!
Whoa. That's dark.
Damage control time.
We've got to put a positive
spin on this disaster.
I'll just be honest.
You're new at
politics, aren't you?
Look, guys, I'm sorry.
Things just sorta
got outta hand.
Indeed! Out of your clumsy hand.
Now, let's nip this
power-to-the-people folly in the bud, 'k?
Shall we?
All rise for our
elected royalty!
There's a
contradiction in terms.
Our lovely queen Helen...
And our strapping, but
woefully clumsy King Hercules!
Oh, don't feel bad.
Your prank got a
little out of hand,
but I'm sure the Trojans
took it all in good fun.
No prisoners!
Oh, my! They
seem a little touchy.
Don't worry. I'll take care of
this. Do you want anything?
Maybe a drink or
something? I'll be right back.
So that was the
start of the hostilities?
Yiieee!
Yeah, it got pretty hostile,
but we gave as good as we got.
Eagle pride was preserved,
For what that's worth.
Because when all
was said and done,
we paid a pretty heavy price.
I guess we showed
them, huh, Helen?
Helen? Where'd
she go? What's this?
Where's helen? Did she
finally wise up and dump you?
No. It's worse than that.
The Trojans kidnapped Helen!
Given the nature of the crisis,
I've called you all here
as special advisors.
The question before us...
How do we get Helen
back from the Trojans?
I'm going on a hunger strike!
From now on, I won't
eat until Helen is returned!
So take that, Trojan swine!
Ajax, got an idea?
Excuse me. You wouldn't
happen to have a cookie, would ya?
A little snacky-wacky?
Any munchie-wunchie
will do. Come on.
Look, we can't just burst
in there and grab Helen.
Amazon warriors
cut the "T" off can't.
Tempest, the Trojan
Academy has tightened security.
They'd cream us even
before we got to the gate!
Then we will not sail
to the eternal shores
of the river Styx alone!
I'm kinda looking for a plan
that minimizes the
death angle, ya know?
Adonis, I could use your help.
My... my what? I'm sorry.
I didn't quite catch that.
What was that last part?
Help.
Oh, not so smug now,
are you, King Hercules?
Well, what would you have done?
Usually, when the
Trojans painted the statue,
I'd order my servants to
clean it before anyone saw it.
Then I would fire
off a scathing letter!
And that was that.
A letter? That's the retaliation
you were demanding?
A scathing letter!
Bursting with verbs... action
words... Really tough stuff.
Hold on! I gotta... Whoa!
Pressure drop. I
kinda stood up too fast.
OK. This may be starvation talk,
But I've got an idea.
Let me get this straight.
We sneak into the
Trojan Academy in... that?
Hah! It's so crazy,
it has to work!
It's the horseless horse my
Dadalus and I have been working on.
All the pleasures
of horse riding
without all the stinky. Hah!
You're cracked.
No, no. No, he isn't.
In fact, I don't think
it's a bad idea at all.
At... all?
OK. It's... it's... it's
not a great idea,
but it's all we've
got to save Helen.
Ho, easy there.
Let's hit the drive-through
on the way, OK? Come on!
"Dear Trojan Academy,
sorry about your
statue and stuff.
Please take this one instead.
Love, the Prometheus Academy."
Huh. Extending the olive branch.
How very Athenian.
And yet, something seems wrong.
Their letters are usually
rife with action words.
I told you so! They're onto us!
It's all over.
Good! My blade
thirsts for Trojan blood!
Tempest! I can't
emphasize strongly enough
this is not a death raid.
It seems a well-intentioned,
if crude, gesture.
I say we take it!
Absolutemente! Why
didn't I think of that?
Oh, yeah, that's
great. That's perfect.
Yeah, yeah, it seems to
be sensible enough to me.
Open the gates!
Hah! See? I told
you this would work.
Oh, man! I am so
hungry, I could eat a horse!
Hah! Which is pretty ironic
when you think about it.
- Shh!
- Oh, don't shush me!
All clear!
Uh-oh! Look natural.
Stallion Pride!
- Yeah...
- Whatever.
You bet.
She's gotta be here somewhere.
Wh-where are they holding her?
I see Helen in the
company of her captors.
I do not trust your
sorcerer's ways.
The only vision I believe
is that of my own two eyes.
She's over there.
Oh.
Now is the time!
Trojan, we demand
our queen back!
Oh! Hi, Hercules.
It's about time.
I was wondering when
you'd reveal yourself.
You... knew we were here?
I'm always wary of
geeks bearing gifts.
Trojans! Prepare to humiliate!
Oh! Very good, Paris!
But you've overlooked
one very important fact.
Herc here is a demigod.
Throw the whole
student body at him!
Ha ha! He'll just keep coming!
Oh, heavens to Betsy.
That would be a
problem, wouldn't it, hmm?
That is, if we didn't
have our new...
exchange student.
Cousin Otus?
Arrrrgh...
Correct. Otus is
a son of Poseidon.
So that makes him...
Eh, let me see now...
Hmm... Oh. A demigod.
I say, Otus,
how about a good sound thrashing
for our Prometheus
Academy friend, hmm?
Hercules, I have an idea.
Next year, don't run for king.
Deal.
Abort mission!
They're savages! Savages, I say!
Get 'em! Get 'em!
Wake up! Wake up, my liege!
Talk to me, buddy!
What happened?
You know, for a demigod,
you've got a glass jaw.
Better to die on our feet
than live on our knees!
What?
Surrender is
perfectly reasonable
and much less messy
than death. Watch.
Hello! Hello?
We surrender!
Ouch! Ooh! Ah!
OK. I'm open to
other suggestions.
Hah! Boiler's ready, baby!
Icarus, wh-what are ya doin'?
Well, I'm an
inventor's son, buddy,
and this cart's got
a few surprises.
Witness the awesome
glory of steam power!
Whoa. It moves.
Barely.
Hooo-whee! Eat my dust, Troy!
Whoo!
Icarus, c-can't
we go any faster?
Whoo... well, no. Come on.
We're centuries ahead
of ourselves as it is.
Just calm down.
As dreadfully exciting
as this chase is,
I think I shall put an
end to it before I grow old.
Ready the Augean stable cheese!
Yeah! Right here!
Aye, aye, sir!
Yes, sir! You got it!
Let them have it!
Who wants the cheese?
Take that!
Take that!
How do ya like that?
Wow! That is ripe!
D-ooh! There's the stinky!
Hey! We're pickin' up speed.
We're gonna make it!
Uh, not to do my usual
raining on the parade,
uh, but we're
headed for a cliff.
A cliff?
Icarus, can't you stop us?
Not to worry, my liege.
Hah! This thing still has a
few tricks up its wooden sleeve.
That's right!
Wings!
Icarus! We're not flying!
Well, yeah, but the winds
will cut the impact
of the crash by 10%.
See? Those wings really
did the trick, huh? Huh?
Have a nice swim
home, Hercules. Heh heh.
I'll give your best
to Helen! Heh heh!
Stallion pride! Stallion pride!
Stallion pride...
So what have you
learned from all this?
Honor is kept only by the sword.
Perhaps the horseless
horse needs a little fine-tuning.
School spirit should be
left to girls with pompoms.
Democracy reeks.
Being a leader is tough?
Don't be swayed by the crowd?
Pranks can get outta hand?
I... I don't know!
Look, what I do know
is that I'm not giving up.
We've gotta find a
way to save Helen!
Save me?
Hercules, whatever
are you talking about?
Helen! You escaped! How?
Escaped?
You were the Trojans'
prisoner, my darling.
Oh, you sillies.
I was their guest.
You see, I thought this
whole homecoming rivalry
had gotten out of hand, so
I decided to do something.
I went straight to Troy
and talked to that Paris.
And you know what? Hmmm.
He's not so bad after all.
Wait! You weren't a prisoner?
No!
But I am going to be Paris' date
for their homecoming dance.
Aah!
I'm just glad you're safe.
Hoo hoo! Now the
healing can begin!
Come on! Group hug!
Or not.
OK. How about hanging
out at the speedy pita?
OK, cool. Let's go.
Yeah. Heh. I'm starving.
- Sure.
- OK. Yeah.
Well, I suppose I could do that.
Who's paying?
So she wasn't even kidnapped.
I gotta spice
this story up a bit.
Forget this high
school rivalry stuff.
We need a war!
A 10-year war
between city-states,
started by Helen, whose
face could launch a hundred...
No. Make that a thousand ships.
I'll throw in Achilles,
give it a tragic angle.
Now we're cookin'! Yowzah!