Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 23 - Hercules and the Phil Factor - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪
- ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪
- ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪



- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

- ♪ And the nicest guy ♪
- ♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero ♪

♪ Give him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!



The landscape of ancient Greece

was fairly bursting
with heroes...

The adventurous Jason...

the courageous Theseus...

the wise and
knowledgeable Philoctetes...

Eh, you better
check yourself, Bob.

Phil? A hero?

You must be mistaken, honey.

Unh! Sorry, horn boy,
this is the hall of heroes.

Phil was a hero.

Um, how'd you do that?

A powerful speaking
voice can move mountains.

Mmm, turn it out, baby.

We are listenin'.

Ahem. Our story
begins inauspiciously...

at the hub of the
Athenian social whirl...

Speedy Pita.

Ahh!

You gonna eat that, kid?

Um, no, Phil. Here.

- Delish!
- A hero?

You're 100% on this, Bob?

Shh! Let's not pull
everyone out of the story.

Whoa, I wonder
what the excitement is.

How'd he get out
of the underworld?

The question is, how do
you get him back there?

Remember, kid, watch his tail!

As a hero-in-training,

I must ask you to return to
the shores of the River Styx

from which you escaped.

And why is that?

Um... Because you're a monster?

Oh! You eat a few hundred
people, and you're labeled for life?

Oh, come on!
They were just kids!

Hyah!

Aah!

Stop splashin' me, boy!

Memnon!

Vile lackey of Hades!

Chiron!

Hard-nosed,
hero-training horse-haunch!

Putrid spawn of the underworld.

Ooh, that's good.

Can you write that in my copy?

Ohh ho ho, sure!

To the putrid Memnon,
keep on terrorizin'.

Your good foe, Chiron.

One of my best foes writes
a scroll, I have to have one.

Oh, thanks, and one more for
my daughter, Memnona with an "a."

You're a peach!

Ooh, let me know what you
think of our fight in chapter XII.

Can't wait. The way
you laid me out... wow!

You know, I'm
still on light duty.

Hey, look me up the next time

you're in the bowels of the
abyss. I promise I'll eat ya.

Just kidding! See you in
the underworld! Ha ha ha ha!

Ohh... You OK, kid?

Philoctetes!

And Hercules...

the little hero who
couldn't! Heh heh ha!

Hey, lay off the kid.

Mark my words, he's
gonna be the greatest!

Hah! That's what you've said about
every one of your hero wannabes.

Someday they're gonna
be writing scrolls about Phil,

the greatest trainer
there ever was.

Oh, sure. I'll look for it
under fiction. Heh heh heh!

Did you ever rescue a damsel?

- Well, no.
- Slay a dragon?

- No, but, I, uh...
- Blind a cyclops?

- Not as such.
- Teased a titan?

Ooh! Shut up!

Face it, Phil, if you've
never been a hero,

how can you teach a hero?

Which I discuss in chapter VI...

"Those who can, do...

Those who can't do... teach!"

Yeah? Well...

- You teach.
- From experience.

Listen, bucko,
I've got gut instinct!

You've got the gut.

That much is true.

Unh! Ah! Unh!

Ohh!

Ha! Not this time.

Oof!

Phil, you're supposed
to be coaching me.

You're doin' fine.

This is fine?

Vision-deprivation
training is not for wimps.

Come on, Phil, what's wrong?

Ooh, that... that... that
oat-eater thinks he's so great!

Oy, this is one of
those midlife crises.

Phil, come on.

Don't let him get your
goat, uh, so to speak.

OK, yeah, Chiron
was a world-class hero,

and now he's a really
famous hero trainer,

and, sure, technically,

none of your guys
ever went the distance.

But it's not your fault.

No one knows more
about being a hero than you.

Hey.

You know, you're right, rookie.

I am? I mean, yeah!
You're darn... darn tootin'.

Ha ha ha. Maybe we
oughta switch, you know.

I'll be the coach,
and you be the hero.

You know, with everything
I know, I could be a hero.

Hmm? Uh, it was a joke, Phil.

No, no, no. It's
time I do somethin'

instead of talk about it. I
just gotta find some action.

And I know the
best place to start.

The want ads!

"Wood nymph seeks satyr
for conversation and fun.

No smokers."

Hmm. For later.

"Hero wanted to stop cyclops
from eating city council in Thebes."

Hmm.

It was a joke, Phil.

- Really.
- Ooh, lookie here.

"Atlantis City seeks hero

to sink sea serpent
with mile of living gullet."

Ooh, sounds beautifully risky.

Look, if you're gonna
do this, start small.

Uh, this is a good one.

"Cockatrice terrorizing Eleusis.

We're being egged to death."

Come on, it's just a chicken.

Ah! There are no small
foes, just small heroes.

Rule 186!

You're right, kid!

Eleusis it is!

"Hero Depot... Your
Carnage Superstore."

Ooh, look at this!

One-stop hero shopping!

What's this do? Ooh!

Teaches you not to touch.

Let's get one.

Hmm.

Not enough range.

Nah. Too flimsy.

Handle's not centered.

Oh, look at this one! Cool!

Always check the safety.

Shield, 29.95.

Bludgeon buddy, 13.99.

Mmm. Hmm...

Price check on the
Spartan army knife!

While we're waiting, I'll need
to see your hero's license.

License?!

Welcome to the Department
of Slaughter and Power,

how can I be of
civil service today?

What's this nonsense
about a hero license?

New city ordinance.

Too many do-it-yourself
heroes are getting hurt.

We can't be responsible.

Hey, I'm not just
some yahoo, pal!

I'm Philoctetes,
trainer of heroes.

Then you'll have no trouble
passing the license test.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm, good, good.

Good. Oh, yes, very good.

Wow! Most people miss that.

Mm-hmm. Wow! A perfect score!

You could teach this stuff.

Tell me about it.

You are now licensed.

And this is also good for a
20% discount at Hero Depot.

Now you tell me?!

So... how do I look?

Mmm... Mmm... You
look, uh... her-heroic.

Thanks. Say, I got an itch

in the middle of my
back. Do you mind?

Ooh, that's good.

You know, Phil,

you don't have to
go through with this.

Pfft! Piece of
baklava. It's a chicken!

That's a big chicken.

OK, you distract her,

and I'll come up from behind.

Kid, this is something
I have to do myself.

But, Phil, this isn't
your average chicken.

Buk ah ha ha!

Like I said.

I mean it. No help from you.

Promise?

But... Promise.

Incoming!

Bob, um, you sure this is
the story where Phil's a hero?

Uh... let me check my notes.

Yes, this is it.

Honey, I don't see anything
but pain and heartbreak.

Hold on, ladies. There's
more where that came from.

Ow! Ow! Yeow!

Ow! Ooh!

I think you did
really, really well.

I mean, you analyzed the
situation, created a game plan,

followed through,
and almost beat him.

I might as well admit it.

I don't belong in
the hero business.

I'm gettin' out while
I still got my horns.

Ohh... thank Dad.

Let's go home and
get back to training.

Didn't you hear me?

I'm giving the whole thing up!

I'm resigning as your trainer.

What? But why?

'Cause it's finally
clear to me, kid.

It was never my
students who failed me.

I failed them.

You never failed me, Phil.

Not yet, but you could wind up as
just one more of my could've-beens.

Get yourself a real trainer.

But where will you
go? What will you do?

My uncle runs a spear company.

He's always begging me
to join the family business.

Uh, I'm begging you to stay.

Look, kid, I hate
long good-byes,

so let's just make
this short and sweet.

Go out there and make me proud.

You were my best.

Phil, what will I
do without you?

OK. Maintain your footing.

Keep your head in balance.

Juggle those swords.
You got it, big guy!

Looking good, baby!

What does it say next?

Oh, this guy
Chiron, he's tricky.

He says... ahem.

"Don't you look stupid?

A hero never
follows advice blindly.

A hero thinks for himself.

Thus, you will never be a hero."

Ow! Ooh! Unh!

Ow! Quit kiddin' around, Icarus.

It doesn't say that.

Oh, well, it sure does!

It's right here in chapter six

of the Why You'll Never Be
As Great As Me workbook.

Oh, what's the use?

Hey, slow down!

You're leaping ahead
to chapter seven...

"Defeat. Get used to it!"

That book isn't gonna work.

I need a real trainer.

Hey, come on!

We're gettin' there, buddy.
You're making progress.

You see, you're
here at "worthless."

You wanna work your way
up all the way over here to...

"mediocre."

Hello, ma'am.

I represent the Satyr
Spear Company,

servicing the Tri-City State
area since the Bronze Age.

Could I interest you
in some weaponry?

No!

You know, uh...

A comely minx like you needs
to be able to protect herself.

I can! Go away!

Aah! Aah!

Grrr!

Please, ma'am, just a quick
demo, and I'll be on my way.

What a lovely
home you have here.

It's a sty! Don't snow me!

This is our new
spear, the Evicelady.

Compact, stylish, deadly.

Made for today's
woman on the go.

Did ya ever see
a cut that clean?

Nice statue. Who is it?

The last salesman.

Hmm.

Huh?

Aaaiiee!

Aah!

OK. A few rounds with the chiron

easy-to-assemble training buddy

will put you back
in the spirit, huh?

Ohh! Good form, buddy!

That's, uh... nice hustle.

Let's just, uh... whoo!

Let's work on defense,
OK, buddy? Wake up.

Wake up, buddy.

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.

Hey, Achilles, allow
me to introduce you

to the ultimate in
home protection,

the spear so good it will
make even you look like a man.

Whoa!

I'll never be a hero.

Oh, come on, Herc,
it's not over yet.

Chiron her says
to, you know, it's...

Ooh, it's over.

Where's Phil when I need him?

You say you don't need a spear?

My mother could kick your...

Hey, watch what you're...

Now, that's good news.

It's a spear seller's dream.

- It's coming!
- Aah! We're doomed!

Did you turn off the
dining room candle?

Ooh! What a disaster area!

Like they say,

location, location, location.

We need a god to help us!

We are defenseless!

A spear! A spear!
My hovel for a spear!

Spears?

Did I hear "spears"?

Step right this way,
pal. I happen to have...

Good, good. How
much is this one?

The Puncture Pal
2000. A fine choice!

Comes in a set of eight, plus
a handsome carrying case.

I only want one!

But wait. There's more.

Monogramming at half-price.

I could have it back
to you in a week.

I'm under attack today!

Look, pal, I'm trying
to work with you here.

Citizens! Citizens of Corinth!

Please! Panic in
an orderly fashion.

Home fleers to the right,

looters and
pillagers to the left.

We've checked every
city-state in Phil's territory.

Where is he?

For the sake of all humanity,

somebody stop him!

Stop him!

A monster?

No. That guy!

But I didn't tell you
about our special offer!

Free home delivery!

Hey, Phil!

Great to see you, too, kid.

I want you back as
my trainer. I need you.

Kid, like I already told you...

The catoblepas is here!

What did he say?

The catoblepas!

An ugly mug,

bronze hide, and
very bad breath.

Yup. That's a catoblepas.

These people need
a hero right now.

Don't go anywhere, Phil.

I'll be right back.

Kid, you don't know
what you're up against.

That's a catoblepas!

You need a trainer.

There's no way
I'm ready for this,

but I've got to try.

Excuse me. Young
man, are you a hero?

I'm a hero in training.

Do you have a hero license?

Uh, no, but this is
kind of an emergency,

don't you think?

Tsk tsk tsk.

Deadly chaos is no
excuse for breaking the law.

I'm issuing you a
hero learner's permit.

No heroic acts after 5 p.m.

You have precisely,
in a few moments,

coming up now.

Six minutes.

Don't breathe near it, and
don't look it in the eyes.

- Why not?
- Ask that guy.

Phil!

A little help here, Phil!

Ah, the kid's right. He
needs a trainer, and I'm it.

Kid, if you're
Hades-bent on doing this,

do it right. Here.

I can't see.

That's the idea.

You gotta rely on
your other senses.

Vision deprivation
training, remember?

We never got around to that.

We're gettin' to it now!

Steady, kid!

Where is it?

Listen for it!

Let your ears be your eyes.

My ears?!

Yes, which means less mouth!

Tuck and roll!

Ears to the ground!

Get into his blind spot!

His blind spot?!

Aah!

Can't look at me now, can you?

The lake! Kid,
take him for a dip!

With that bronze hide,
he'll sink like a stone!

Gotcha!

Kid! Kid!

Ohhh!

Oh, way to go, kid!

May that beast rust in peace!

Thank you!

Oh, thank you, Hercules.

You saved us. You're my hero.

You mean we are heroes.

Ah, come on, cut it out, kid.

I'm no hero.

Yes, you are.

I couldn't have
done this without you.

That makes you my hero.

Well, thanks, but I was just getting
the hang of being a salesman.

Yeah, and one more sales pitch,

and we were going to hang you!

Uh, you heard the kid.

I'm with him.
Heroes, party of two.

Let's hear it for Phil!

Hip hip, hero!

And that's how
Philoctetes got to be a hero.

Uh, Bob, before we go,
could you do one thing?

- What's that?
- Do that statue trick again.

Sure! Why not?

We won't tell
anybody if you don't.

You kidding? I wasn't even here.