Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 22 - Hercules and the Drama Festival - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Hang onto your flame, boss.

You are in for a big surprise.

Welcome to the Underworld.

Research and
Development department.

Après vous.

Mm-hmm.

So why wasn't I
told about this place?

Plausible deniability, sir.

Ta-da! What we have here

will blow the lid off
the whole god squad.

A box. Pandora's?

Ba-da-bing.

And... what?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

It's a... well, it's a... Rock!

You dragged me
into your secret lab

to look at a lump.

Check it out!

Oy. Uh... Hello.
What's goin' on?

I didn't order decaf.
What happened? Hello!

OK. That got my attention.

I'm down but I'm up. Ba-da-bing.

You know what I
mean? What is it?

The Kronos Stone!

♪ Back when kronos
was King of the universe ♪

♪ He hocked up a rock
And gave it a curse ♪

♪ And now any god
That gives it a peek ♪

♪ Slips into a
permanent Beauty sleep ♪

♪ Yeah, they drift away
To the great unknown ♪

♪ When they take a little
peeky At the Kronos Stone ♪

♪ Don't need to
count no sheep there ♪

♪ It's a sleepy zone ♪

♪ When you sneak a little
peeky At the Kronos Stone ♪

That's fine. Good.

♪ You feel a little freaky
By the Kronos Stone ♪

♪ Are your knees a little weaky
Round the Kronos Stone? ♪

I got it!

Enough with the song and dance.

Thank you. Very nice.

Not sure how to use it, exactly,

but it's got potential.

Yes, OK, good. Boys, boys...

You're gonna find a
little something extra

in your paycheck this week.

- Hoo-hoo!
- Yeah!

Uh, have you ever
gotten a paycheck?

I think I'm on direct deposit.

Next up, Artemis, our beloved
goddess of the wild things,

proposes that we
restrict temple offerings

to fruits and vegetables.

Hey, she could do
whatever she wants

in the temple of touchy-feely,

but I'm stickin' with
chop and rump roast.

Can't fight a war on
celery sticks and tofu.

We'll come back to that one.

Hermes, anything
left on the agenda?

Uh, just a kinky little thing

called the festival
of Mnemosyne,

AKA the Mnemmys?

Oh, not another festival.

I'm getting tribute fatigue.

Uh, FYI, your supremeness,

it's a drama festival dedicated to
Mnemosyne, the mother of the muses.

A drama festival?

Ho ho! Why didn't you say so?

These plays honor a certain
group of immortal cats we all know.

Lemme see that!

Uh...

Yeah, right. Well,
good. That's right.

Every god except for the one
who's got a real story to tell,

Namely... hello!
Yours truly. Hello!

Hah! A play about you, Hades?

Oh, that's rich! Ha!

Ha ha. I fail to see the humor.

Come on, now, little brother.

We all know the lord of the
underworld Is not exactly Mr. Popularity.

No offense.

None taken. Ho ho ho.

Son of Kronos.

So, Hermes, who's putting
on this little extravaganza?

The Athenians?

Eggheads! All talk, no action.

Actually, home base
for our supertroopers

is the Prometheus Academy.

A school play? Snore!

It just so happens
my boy goes to pro-ac!

I'll bet he's the star!

Right you are, sir.

The New Zeus Revue
starring Hercules.

And I think we have a clip.

Dynamite! Hah!

Roll it.

I am sure it's of no use...

To incur the wrath of Zeus.

As I... as I am
just and I am fair...

Evildoers must beware.

If I find your ho...
Your homage lacking...

You're sure to get
a monstro whacking.

So do pay heed before too long.

Six million Greeks
can't all be wrong.

Yes. Well, well, you
know... Fantastic!

Unbelievable!

Bro, look, that's
just a rehearsal.

You gotta factor in
lights, music, costumes!

I smell it! I smell...
A smasharoo!

Really? You think?

Trust me.

The critics thumbs
will be, like, stuck up!

We're talkin' must-see Hercules.

No god would dare
miss it. Am I right?

Outstanding! Hah!

So, I will see you all there?

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, sure, sure. We'll be there.

Yeah. Sure, mm-hmm.

Looking forward to it.

Yeah. Looking forward to it.

Sold out! S.R.O.!

Perfect.

Yeah! Lovely
rehearsal, Hercules,

in a grueling, amateur way.

Now, let's see now.
Next is, uh, Icarus,

Perennial Also-ran.

Ha! OK! All right.

Sure, I've entered the Mnemmys
every year since I was five,

Mr. Parentheses.

Sure, I've lost every time,

and sure, a lesser
man might lose hope,

but like the great
flaming phoenix,

I will rise! OK.

Very, very inspiring...

to someone somewhere, no doubt.

So what play are you gonna do?

Still conceptualizing.

Icarus, you're
running out of time.

Well, I'm working it
out. Gonna be good.

OK, well, good luck.

Don't need it.

Don't worry about me, buddy.

Ohh! Muses of the arts,

I, oh, so humbly turn
to you for inspiration.

Please...

Please guide me to a play
that'll win me the Mnemmy!

I'd be really grateful!

Really, really... aah!

Whoa.

You're not a muse.

Name's Hades, lord of the dead,

and I'm here to help.

Hades? Oh, well,
that's just great!

Oh, fate is a cruel jester.

Now on the verge of
my greatest triumph,

you have come to shuffle
me off this mortal coil.

Help, you say?

Look, you need to play a god.

I wanna have my story told.

It's a match made
in... Well, you know.

Yeah. Well, it's just that nobody's
really ever done a play about you.

I mean, you're not
exactly Mr. Popularity.

Oversharing. Ha ha ha.

Yeah, I know. My ears
are always burning.

But, hey, the point is,

it's the rule breakers,

it's the avant
garde, if you will,

who always win those awards.

Hmm. Well, villains
are the juiciest roles.

But I'm an actor.

I will need to get
inside your head,

learn what you're about,
how you feel, what you eat.

I mean, I'm talking
total access here, buddy.

Hey, my afterlife's an open
book, you know what I mean?

Come on, let's blow this
peanut stand. What do you say?

He distinctly said,
"Good job, guys."

Yeah.

Like he cares.

Welcome back, boss! Oh...

We just kept right
on doing our good job

while you were gone, sir.

So when do we get to use
the you know what on... Oww!

Pain?

A little.

Say hello to our guest.

Hiya!

He doesn't look very,
uh, um, you know.

Deceased.

Far from it, boys. Far from it!

This promising young
thespian is Icarus.

At the drama festival,

he'll be playing
the role of... ha ha.

Ahem... me.

That's right. Ick's my
name, schtick's, my game.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

Ooh! How was that,
huh? Suitably sleazy?

Hey, little acorn, you're
gonna be a heck of an oak!

Oh, mama, I can taste my Mnemmy!

So what are we waiting for?

Time to make you a star!

Aarrgh!

Now, see, when
you're roasting minions,

you gotta really lose yourself.

Your arms extended,
head thrown back,

a lot of booga booga, you know?

Then you just flame on.
Watch this. They love this.

Like so. OK, ready?

Aaarrgh!

OK, boom, poof! Here's the deal.

The underworld's
the pits, right?

But I'm like up the river
styx without a paddle,

You know what I'm sayin'?

I mean, give me a flamin' break!

Dead souls check in,
but they don't check out.

I got the concept!

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom,
ba-da-bing, ba-da-bing!

I'm still working on it.

OK, good. Acting school's out.

Take him back, boys.

Ba-da-bing... what a...
Do I sound like that?

I don't get it.

Yeah. What about
all of our good work?

Don't panic, Panic, OK?

You can't just walk
up to Zeus and say,

"Hey, here's the Kronos Stone.

Take a big nap." You can't?

Try to stay with me here.

Because Zeus' precious little
Jerkules is in this drama festival,

Hey, all the other
gods will be there, OK?

OK.

OK, so, actors wear
masks onstage, huh?

Yeah, uh-huh.

You see where I'm
going with this, right?

Yeah!

No. OK, fine. Oy.

Look, you carve the
stone into a mask.

That pain in my flame kid
wears the mask onstage.

As my play unfolds,

all the gods go sleepy-bye!

OK? You got it?

- Yeah!
- Oh, yes!

- Bravo!
- Nice plan!

Love it!

Hey, see?

By the time the reviews
are in, I'll be movin' on up!

Huh! Finally gettin'
my piece of the sky.

Isn't today lima beans?

All vegetables were offered
to the gods this morning.

Mutton loaf?

Yeah. Um, thanks just the same.

Hey, um, cassandra,

Have you noticed anything
different about Icarus?

A comprehensive
list could take weeks.

Sweetheart, you
look fantabulous.

What are you, some
kind of cheerleader?

Nice. Name's
Icarus, lord of the...

Well, nothing currently,

But I'm in a training program.

Hmm. I honor you with
my august presence,

and you give me mutton loaf?

Memo to me, pox on
all food service workers.

No, I mean, something
more different than usual.

Baby doll! How'd you like
to flirt with danger, huh?

I have been a very bad boy.

Eww!

See what I mean?

And I thought he
was creepy before.

Remember, it not only
has to look like Hades,

It's gotta capture
the, the, the, the...

The inner essence of Hades.

What do you think, huh?

Hmm...

Keep chiseling.

Icarus, I'm worried about you.

I mean, I know you're doing
Hades in the play and all,

But you don't have
to be like him...

24/7? It's called
acting, Jerkules.

That's what I mean. You never
called me "Jerkules" before.

Oh, I'm sorry, boo-boo.

No, that's not me talking.

That's my character.

Yeah, well, your character's
gonna get socked in the jaw.

Hey, hey, can I help it if my
mimicry skills are dead on?

Or undead, as the
case may be, huh?

Hey, wait a minute.

How are you mimicking Hades?

I infer. I imagine. I speculate.

Oh, plus, he's had me down

to the big basement
to watch him in action.

What? Icarus, we're
talking about Hades!

He's evil!

Actors don't judge.

We observe. We
internalize. We emote.

Then I guess I'm no actor.

Well, your previews
have been a little tepid.

Ah... Hades must
be up to something.

Wait a minute!

You're playing Zeus, right?

Yeah, so?

Whoa! I get it!

Oh, you're tricky!
You're tricky, man!

You're getting into
character, right?

Zeus always wants
Hades to lose, huh?

Good job!

We'll make an
actor out of you yet.

Icarus, wait. I'm not acting.

I think something's wrong.

Sure thing, Zeus.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I got business in
the underworld.

Boom! Later, big bro.

Ahhh!

Ah, the kid with the sunstroke

is playing the role perfectly!

Ah. He's gonna slay
'em on opening night.

Ooh! Nice!

You boys are on a roll.

Aw, thanks, boss.

Time to see this
puppy in action.

Nectar here! Get your nectar!

Who's ready? Nectar!

Things go better with nectar!

Get your ice-cold nectar!

Yo, nectar!

Pass it on up!

'Scuse me, folks.

Supreme beings coming through.

'Scuse me. Pardon me.

Enjoy the show, folks.

Thank you, Hermes.

Hey, where's Hades?

I thought we all had to be here.

Aw, that big baby's
probably still upset

that nobody's doing his story.

You know, sometimes things
look better from the cheap seats.

Way, way up here.

Adonis, you're an 11-time
Mnemmy award winner.

How does it feel?

Of course it's an honor
just to be nominated,

But as you know, Homer,

with me, it's always
about the work.

Any recognition
I get is just gravy.

But I do like gravy.

Please! Please,
everyone! Settle down!

I'll do the
panicking, thank you.

Now, where is that Icarus?

He's the opening act.

Wh-where's Hades? I mean,
he's gonna be here, right?

He'd love to, but
you know how he is.

The lord of the dead's
work is never done,

but he sent this
gift for good luck.

Oh, man! I'm, like,
all choked up here.

Hey, what's this made of?

Funny you should ask.

Uh-oh.

We don't know.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

Ladies and gentlemen,

dwellers of the nether regions,

Hades is in the house!

How's my hair?

Uh, we better go.

Knock 'em dead.

Figure of speech, of course.

Yeah. Send 'em all into an
eternal, deathless slumber.

More figures of speech.

Ah, Icarus! You're due to go on!

Sadly for us all.

The kid's going on.
It won't be long now.

Oh, I bet the view
from olympus is sweet.

Oof!

Ow! Hey!

Uh-oh.

What are you two doing here?

Just a couple of drama lovers.

Yeah. The, uh, play's the thing?

Good evening. Welcome, all,

to the Prometheus Academy's
Festival of Mnemosyne,

the mother of all muses.

In honor of our distinguished,

to understate wildly,
Pantheon of guests...

Please don't smite me...

I make this humble offering.

Ugh! Again with the broccoli?

Yo, pal! Make mine mutton!

Aw, is that an elbow or a knee?

I don't wanna look.

What are you up to?

I'd tell ya, but
I'd be... A lion.

Grrrr!

Grrr. Ah.

Like stop fishing
for info, Jerkules.

Huh?

Stop badgering us.

Oww!

Grrr.

Oww!

- Aah!
- Aah!

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Rats! Good one.

Icarus...

Not now, Zeussy. I'm trying
to awaken my personal demon.

I just saw Hades' personal
demons, and I'm not Zeus!

Ah.

Hey! My leg fell asleep.

Well, you oughta get
that checked, bigsy.

Now I have to
get into character.

Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing,
ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom.

I'd like to introduce our
first performer, Icarus...

in his one-man show...
Remember, no smiting...

Give him heck, Hades.

Yes! Showtime!

A play about Hades, ha.

Leave it to that kid who
flew too close to the sun.

To be evil, or not to be evil...

that is the question.

It's a no-brainer,
evil, ba-da-bing.

If I'm lying, I'm dying.

Dying! Get it?

- Oh!
- Oh! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Kid's good. Just
like my little brother.

Oy, this is worse
than I expected,

which was abysmal.

He's putting the gods to sleep.

OK, all right.

Did you hear the one
about the three dead guys

who won the lottery?

Boy, were they lucky stiffs!

Ha, stiffs!

Deh, did you get it?

No...

Ah, yes, eyes closed,
breathing shallow.

Yes! Eternal sleep, ho!

Oh... Icarus isn't that boring.

And why isn't his acting
coach in the gods' balcony?

Cue, cue, get out there.

And cue the lords of
the dancing waters.

The gods are falling asleep,

my leg fell asleep
when I got near him,

must be because I'm part god.

Ah, think. Think. What, did Pain
or Panic give him something?

The mask!

Go on, go on, get out of here.

That's just rude.

Now, as I was
saying... Hades, it is I...

Your brother Zeus.

Hey, there he is.

Uh, everybody, there's my boy.

Well, OK... Make it
snappy, Zeusaphone.

I'm connecting
with the people here.

Uh, Hades, I know that we've
had our differences in the past,

but you've really gotta
listen to me this time.

That mask you wear is
cursed, uh, little brother.

Look out at the balcony.

You're putting
the gods to sleep,

and I fear it may be one
from which they'll never wake.

Take off the mask.

Step out from behind the
mask and show the world just...

Just how big a
god you really are.

Hey, how do I know

this isn't another one of
your Olympian tricks, Zeus?

Trust me. If you win, it
means Olympus will lose,

Big time.

No! No! No!

The curse was almost down!

Su...

Attaboy, son! Ah, that's my boy!

Star of the show,
you know, ha ha ha.

And the Mnemmy goes
to... Good gracious...

Icarus and Hercules

for their daring take
on sibling rivalry.

And for saving everyone's bacon.

Oh! OK! I'd like
to thank everyone

who voted to give me this award,

but I can't accept it.

No. Acting is not about awards.

Oh, no. It's about the work.

Thank you, but no, thank you.

Who am I kidding?

Come on! This is the
happiest day of my life!

Herc, I love you, man. Mm-mwa.

Yecch.

Cassandra, come on, honey,
come on down here, be with me, OK?

Aw...

I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you.

Mm-hmm, you like me!

You really like me!
Good night, everybody!

Good night.

Hah! Bravo, son!

Ouch! That's gonna hurt.

I, uh, I hope this doesn't put a
damper on the good job we're doing.

Now, about those
paychecks... Forget it!

Uh, we're just do... forget it!

Ahem. Hello...

How about a dental
program, though?