Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 14 - Hercules and the Owl of Athens - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Is he bold? ♪
- ♪ No one braver ♪

- ♪ Is he sweet? ♪
- ♪ Our favorite flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪

- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪



- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now, the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Smart and shy ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no
one, a zero, zero ♪

♪ He'll never quit
till he's a hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪

♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see.

Mount Olympus,
home office of the Gods,



A somber, sober domain where
weighty matters are contemplated daily.

Oh... Ahh...

Oh! My Dogs of War!

Who did this to you, my
fearsome battle hounds?

You!

Athena, you shaved
my Dogs of War?

Oh, silly, Aries,

I am the goddess of wisdom.

Why would I do a
stupid thing like that?

Heed my words!

This is the last time you'll make
a God out of the Fool of War!

Gah!

You know what I meant.

Oh, I think one of your
pups needs his walkie.

Oops. Too late.

Ew.

Oh!

Seeking revenge, Aries
turns to his two mighty sons,

Fear and Terror.

Fear, Terror, my
two mighty sons!

OK, in the category
"Good Gods,".

The question is...

Who is the God of the place
where three roads meet?

Wait. I know this.

I'm gonna guess... ha ha ha...

I've forgotten my guess.

Eh heh. State your surrender.

Oh... It's all... Hello!

With the mask of tragedy.

It's all Greek to me.

Yes! Move back a space!

I can't go back from start.

OK, my turn. Hit me.

OK. Who is the God of War?

Fear! Terror!

Dad! Ever knock?

Yeah. Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Rude Dad.

Have you two been playing
that stupid game all day again?

It's All Greek To Me is
more than just a game, Dad.

It's kinda...

Like... A really,
really good game.

Say, Sad, OK, who
is the God of War?

Me! You idiot!

Ha ha! The answer
is me, you idiot!

Pericles, is that you, boy?

Your aunt Athena
shaved my Dogs of War.

Can you believe
how childish she is?

Now, how are we
going to get her back?

Uh... Shave her Dogs of War!

Athena doesn't have
any Dogs of War.

All she's holding is that
gooney Owl of Wisdom.

That's it, boys.

You two steal her
Owl, and then...

We'll shave the owl!

Ha ha ha ha!

Um... Can we
finish our game first?

Ooh!

Meanwhile, in the realm
of Man, it's a different story.

Because weightier
matters are left to the Gods,

mortal life is
blissful and carefree.

Everyone has read the
chapter on the Persian conflict

in their text scrolls.

Let's review.

I don't get History class.

I mean, what good are all these
names and dates and facts?

Herc, someday a historical
factoid could help you save the day.

I really don't see
that happening.

Miltiades was one of the
richest and most advanced...

Rawwrr!

Arr!

Rawwrr!

Rawwrr!

Rawwrr!

- Rawwrr! Rawwrr!
- Aah!

Ooh!

Question... What was the
strategy used by Miltiades

at the Battle of Marathon?

Hercules, answer?

Uh, oh, uh... The answer, uh...

Um... Eh heh...

What was the question
again, Mr. Herodotus?

Miltiades made expert use of...

the surprise attack!

Ah!

Are you not turned
on by history, Hercules,

is it whack?

Uh, er, uh... whack?

Well, perhaps this
will get the attention

of you and your flunkard homies.

An exam comes in
the middle of the term.

I call it... The midterm exam!

- Aah! Aah!
- Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ho ho! Mr. Herodotus,

You might not be aware of this,

but we always have
exams at the end of the term.

FYI.

Not anymore.

I'm rewriting history class.

If you don't pass the midterm,

you don't pass the class,

and you all have
Mr. Hercules here to thank for it.

Oh.

He calls it a midterm,
so, you know...

mighty Athena...

Anything you can
do wisdom wise...

OK, then.

Thanks for listening.

- Hercules.
- Aah!

I've been looking all over
for you. I need a favor.

You need a favor?

I have reason to believe
that my brother Aries

if plotting to snatch
my beloved owl Ibid...

- No!
- And shave him.

Huh?

Why would he do a
stupid thing like that?

I'm sure I wouldn't know.

The important thing is,
I wish for you, Hercules,

to guard Ibid and
keep him from harm.

I, uh...

I would be honored to
guard your strigiform pet.

Whoa!

Strigiform? Where
did that come from?

Ah... Heh heh heh...

Strigiform is the scientific
name of the owl family.

I did not know that.

Of course you didn't.

Ibid's a magical bird.

He fills your head
with knowledge.

Uh... Really?

Just... just...
just... just like that?

Ahh, studying the
Persian conflict.

Dicey time, that was.

Hmm. Let's see.

What was the nickname
of King Darius I of Persia?

Darius was known as the huckster, for
he looked to make a gain in everything.

Ha ha ha ha!

This is so cool!

Uh, OK, then, yeah.

Yeah. I'll take
good care of Ibid.

See ya.

Hercules, don't you
need your history text?

Not anymore. Thanks,
Athena! You rule!

Whoa! Now, Dad said to
take the owl from Athena, right?

- Right.
- Well, now that Hercules guy has it.

He didn't say anything
about takin' it from him.

No?

So... Hey, wanna just go
home and play our game?

OK.

Happy midterm day, Herc!

Whoa!

- What's with the extra-cool hat?
- Shh!

His name is Ibid. He's gonna
help me ace the history exam.

Oh... Well, buddy,
whatever works for ya.

No, no, no. Really. Try it.

Well... I'm not really into...

Plato once said, "Poets
utter great and wise things

which they themselves
do not understand."

Wow!

What was Plato gettin' at?

The genius effect
wears off fast.

Dang!

It's All Greek to Me.

Where's the owl, huh?

Dad!

It goes like this...

Where is it? Where are you
hidin' the little swivel head?

Auntie gave him
to this Hercules guy.

Yeah, after that, it
seemed a lot like work.

Thank you for knocking, Dad.

OK, Terror, and
your category is...

- Unh! Ah! Unh!
- Dad!

Go to Athens... Get the owl.

OK, we will.

After our game.

Now!

See you in summer
school, flunkard.

Next!

Let's see.

Hercules.

Ahem.

Hat?

Uh, yes, it is, sir.

I mean remove it.

I find that a warm head
keeps the thoughts all, uh, fresh

and, uh, toasty.

Put it by the door.

- How about if I... if I...
- Door!

Unh!

Good. Now... Sit.

No. Sit here.

Leave hat there.

You sit here!

Yes, sir.

Now, if you're done
jiving the teacher,

we'll get on with the
midterm examination!

First question...
"The Persian Wars,

Darius and his Persian army
were halted by what's city's forces,

led by whom, and
where was the battle?"

Uh, Darius. Uh, uh...
Darius the huckster.

Yes. Ahem.

Yeah. Could you rephrase
the question, please?

The imperial forces
of Darius of Persia

were defeated by
whom, with what army...

And where?

Ahh!

Miltiades led the
Athenian army to victory,

defeating the Persians
at the Battle of Marathon.

It was a surprise attack!

Well, aren't we funky fresh?

Now, onto the
difficult material.

Whoa!

Oh. Yeah, uh, OK...

So, um... Hercules, hi.

I'm Fear.

And I'm Terror.

Aries' two mighty sons!

Test postponed.

Um, so we're here for the owl?

Ohh!

Oh, no. Ibid.

Fear, that hat is kinda scaring.

Oh... You know,
it's more like a scoot.

Athena's owl is in this hat.

- How do you know?
- My proximity to the magical bird

has radically increased
my intelligence.

You try it.

Heh heh. I like its big eyes.

Oh! That's... Heh...

I am experiencing a curious
tingling in my medulla oblongata.

I think we would be well advised

to return at once to the
comfortable confines of our domicile.

Huh?

Oh, now your intention
is clear, dear brother.

- You wish to go home.
- Yeah. Um...

OK. Yeah!

- Sounds good!
- Oh, no.

Athena's gonna kill me.

Oh... Athena... You
who are wise and, uh...

And merciful. Heh
heh... I hope. Ah!

Oh, hello, Hercules.

Where is my precious Ibid?

- Ibid?
- My owl.

Great. Eh heh... Same thing.

Well, uh... Ibid, your owl...

is currently...

in the clutches of Fear and
Terror, the two mighty sons of Aries.

- Oh... Ah...
- What?

Ah! Fear and Terror!

Oh, my boys!

Dad, we got owl. We got it.

Outstanding!

It's shaving time!

Ho-ha!

Uno momento, por favor.

We have debated the merits
of your shave-the-owl objective

and have concluded that your
boorish prank intrigues us not.

Terror, why is your
brother talking egghead?

Watch this, Dad.

"Who gets his
best ideas in the tub

and is known to shout, 'eureka'
when he's had a breakthrough?"

Ahh... Archimedes, renowned
thinker and mathematician.

You didn't even know who
I was in that stupid game!

But now you know some
poindexter mathlete?

Well, thanks to the
owl, I know much.

Well, I know that I want to
shave the little sucker, OK?

So fork him over.

Dad...

We took him. We decide
what to do with him.

In this household, I'm top God.

What I says, goes,

and I says fork over the owl.

No.

All right! All right! You two...
Oh, but you're in trouble.

You're way outta
line! Way outta line!

You see this?
If this is the line,

you're clear way over there, OK?

I think not.

Indeed, woe is you.

Since we're the ones who thought
ahead and got magic chains.

What magic chains?

Oh, the ones that
can bind even a God.

Oh... those.

But I'm your father!

Ha ha ha ha!

Father or not...

Your fate was sealed the
moment you opposed us.

Quit bogartin' the owl!

See previous... The owl.

Now.

What she said.

Gah! Does anybody
knock anymore or what?

Just hand over Ibid, and
there won't be any trouble.

Whoa!

Oomph! Ooh.

If that's the way
you want it, fine.

You'll know the meaning of Fear and Terror
when Hercules gets here, you two yaps.

Yeah. That kid has
gumption. And he won't quit.

Hello!

Are you listening to us?

All right! You advance
four spaces. OK, it's my turn.

Owl me.

Could you guys keep
it down over there?

Boys, boys, boys...

Do you think when I
named you Fear and Terror

this is what I had in mind?

Oh, please.

Would you like us to
be fierce and terrible,

leaping about shouting,
"booga!, booga"?

How pedestrian.

Well, it would be a start.

OK, Greekography...

"Why did travel by sea
become so popular?"

The rocky cliffs and mountains
of the Greek mainland

make travel by land
tedious and difficult.

Zing!

Move ahead.

Man, we have never gotten
this far ahead in the game before.

Which seems
impossible to imagine,

but... ha ha ha...
there you have it.

Who's there?

Smooth!

Throw 'em off with
courtesy, then... Wham!

Boy, I like that.

Hercules, I do not normally
encourage violence,

but pulverize them!

Now, serving brother number two.

Mmm... I think not.

Given the intensity of your
punch and current wind conditions,

I estimate that my
brother will return...

now.

Oh! Aah! Oh!

Fear, he hit me.

May I suggest that you
engage Hercules in battle?

Uh... You mean
hammer him, right?

Indeed!

Sure.

Uh, OK.

And so the battle began,

Hercules vs. Terror...
One night only.

Unh!

Ah! Oh!

Ah!

Unh!

Whoa!

Ooh! Ah!

And as it turned out,

One Night Only was about
all that Sparta could take.

- Oh... Man!
- Ah!

We trashed Sparta.

Well... Yeah.

Look, uh...

I'm sorry about the
damage and all...

but, uh, you know, you have
two Gods and an owl held captive,

and as a hero in training,

I cannot rest
until they are free.

Hercules, may I offer
a nonviolent solution?

Like you'll release
Athena, Aries, and the owl?

Perhaps. Yes.
Perhaps I... might.

If you defeat us in
a little game called...

It Is All Greek to Me.

You're on.

OK, um...

"Who punished
prom-eth-ius..." Right...

"by having him chained to a rock
where an eagle would peck out his liver?"

My dad.

Let's ask the judges.

Can we accept that?

Well, the answer is Zeus,

who, technically, is his father.

Ha! Yes!

OK... Fear.

Your turn.

Not yet! Not yet!

I don't have the owl yet.

Fire away.

Hey, that's... that's cheating!

Interesting accusation

from one who tried to owl his
way through an examination.

Um... Just take your turn.

Well done, Hercules.

Thanks to such
categories as "Good Gods,".

"Hooray for Heroes,"

and "A Menagerie of Monsters,".

You are one space
away from victory.

And it's my turn.

But we're right behind
you. Booga! Booga!

You can do it, Hercules.

Just do it fast! I've
got a Charlie horse!

OK.

Hey, I can't read it.

Oh... Cool.

OK.

Ooh. Heh heh...
The category is...

"History Mystery...

"What was the winning strategy

used by Mil-ti-ades...

to win the Battle of Marathon?"

Oh, uh... Wait! Oh! I know this.

As if.

Well, I should know this.

We went over it in
history class. Um...

Maybe if a certain flunkard had
not been daydreaming in class.

I know. I know. I know.

Oh, uh, the Persian Conflict...

It was on the midterm. Um...

This is it, Herc!

A historic fact that is going
to help you save the day!

Oh, man!

- Did I call it or what?
- Icarus, be quiet!

Who's he talking to?

No doubt the pressure
of his impending failure

has driven him to
seeing spectral visions.

Oh... Yeah.

Right.

History's not da bomb...

Nobody cares about history.

Enough! I don't need somebody
to make a mosaic for me.

I get the picture.

History is important!

Hey, I think I remember. Uh...

Miltiades won the
battle of marathon with...

A surprise attack!

- Oh, man!
- Oh, man!

- Jolly good show!
- Bravo, Hercules!

Hurrah! Bravo!

Very well done. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Herc!

Hey, where's the fire, Nero?

Oh, hey, I gotta
go. History calls.

Ah! Time for that
makeup midterm.

I already took it.
I got a beta-plus.

Really?

Beta-plus, huh?

Well, which got knocked
down to a beta-minus

when I confessed to
Mr. Herodotus about the owl scam.

Oh, man, I gotta race. Can't
keep my study buddies waiting.

See ya!

Study buddies?

Hey!

Where's that
extra-cool hat, baby?

- Hey, sorry I'm late.
- Oh, that's cool.

It gave us a chance to
look over the answers.

You weren't supposed
to tell him that.

OK, guys... hit me
with a history question.