Hercules (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 12 - Hercules and the Living Legend - full transcript

♪ Who put the
"glad" in Gladiator? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Whose daring deeds
are great theater? ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Is he bold? ♪

♪ No one braver ♪

♪ Is he sweet? ♪

♪ Our favorite
flavor, Hercules ♪

- ♪ What a guy ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Ask his friends ♪
- ♪ Hercules ♪

♪ Honey, they won't lie ♪



- ♪ Hercules ♪
- ♪ Ahh, Hercules ♪

♪ Hercules ♪

- ♪ Come on ♪
- ♪ No one's fool ♪

♪ Now the boy's in school ♪

♪ He's in trainin' ♪

♪ Sun is shinin' ♪

♪ And the nicest guy ♪

♪ No complainin' ♪

♪ He was a no one ♪

♪ Zero, zero, give
him a quick deed ♪

♪ He's our hero ♪

♪ He's the most
likely to succeed ♪

♪ From zero to hero ♪

♪ Herc is a hero ♪



♪ He'll be a hero ♪

Wait and see!

Stay on your toes, kid.

A dragon has a
wide turning radius.

Easy enough.

Blech, oh, man!

Hero rule number 72:

Assess the situation.

Situation assessed.

I'm battling a dragon
that breathes vegetables.

Rookie, a tomato is a fruit.

Where would you be without me?

How is it possible
that this Demiclod

could defeat moi.

Hey, we were watching that!

Pardon me?

Oh, uh, sorry, no,
uh... What is the deal?

I mean, the kid can't
even tie his own sandals.

Unless the goat-man
talks him through it.

The goat-man... Philoctetes...

Trainer of heroes.

He's showing Hercules the ropes.

He's teaching him
the tricks of the trade,

filling his head with all
those pithy hero rules.

You're making
some big leaps here.

And we're just not keeping up.

Boys, boys,

if we promote Phil
to the big leagues,

why, he'll dump the chump.

I don't know. That old
goat is very sentimental.

Yes, I know.

Phil's Achilles heel.

Welcome to the
Arcadia County fair.

Unfortunately, the
two-headed pig from Macedonia

cancelled on us.

However, we do
have a famous hero,

live and in person.

The one and only... Achilles!

I know. It was short notice.

That's right, folks,
here I am, Achilles, eh?

I wanted the two-headed pig.

How about an autograph, chief?

OK.

You could sign it,
"To my biggest fan..."

- Sure.
- "...From the two-headed pig."

Hey, crybaby, do
you know who I am?

Um, yeah, you're Achilles,

the guy who used
to be a big shot hero

and was invincible
everywhere except your heel,

and then you got nailed in the
heel and you became a big fat loser.

Uh... Is "Two-headed"
hyphenated?

So I'm not the guy I used to be?

Huh? Eh?

Oh, Achilles!

Can we have your autograph, huh?

Wow. Just like the
old days, huh, Achilles?

Who are you? Hades, Lord of
the Dead. How you doing? Nice gut.

Is it my time?

No, no, no, you got
lots of time... Six years.

Anyway... ahem...
I am actually here

because I'm a huge, huge fan.

Of me?

No, of the two-headed
pig, you Yutz.

Of course you!
You're a living legend.

You were huge!

Huge!

You're still pretty huge,
different context, mind you.

Anyway, look, Achilles, babe,

you could have gone all the way.

But what happened?
You got benched.

That tender tendon.

Hey, everybody's
got a weak spot, huh?

An Achilles heel, if you will.

Hey, look, pal, what happened
happened, OK? Can't change the past.

Too true. Too true.

But what about the
future, your future?

What if you could
have it all over again,

and this time, for keeps?

But what about,
uh, oh, my problem?

What problem?

I am here for you.

But I do need one
eensie-teensie,

tiny, little, insignificant,

little nitcon of a favor.

Name it!

That's my boy.

Oh, Phil, I need these sandals.

Kid, all you need is a good
old-fashioned workout sandal.

Brown? Everybody's
gonna think I'm a dweeb.

Heroes don't worry
about their image.

They worry about helping people.

Yo, you!

Do you have these in a 10?

Those are the same
old slabs of leather

you used to push off on me.

Holy Toledo! It can't be!

Come here, Mr. Fur
Pants, come here.

Kid, you know who this is?

Uh, no.

Ah, this here's the greatest
hero of our time... Achilles.

Achilles? The Achilles?

Today's your lucky day, junior.

You just disappeared
after the heel incident.

What happened?

Forget about it. Nothin',
nothin'. That is the past, Philly.

I focus on the future.

Here you go, Mr. Memnon.

Thanks, junior.

Mmm!

Ow! That is good Joe.

Mr. Memnon,
you're on in 50... ooh!

Aah!

Oh, uh... What's my motivation?

My face in your face.

Ohh! Uhh!

Now, get up there, go a
few rounds with the big "A,"

and take a fall.

And you're on in
five, four, three...

What's going on?

Athens, Your streets
shall run red with... Line!

Blood. Blood.

I'm ready, Phil. Just say when.

Yeah, uh, sorry, little buddy,

but I think this puppy's
out of your league.

Look, listen, and learn, rookie.

Halt! Or I shall thrash thee!

You, thrasheth me?

Ohh!

And you are?

So, big man, picking
on a helpless kid now.

Helpless?

Whoa! Ohh!

Hey!

Rat!

Achilles has still got it.

That wasn't so good, was it?

Are you kidding?
Achilles was sensational.

I was talking about me.

I give you Memnon,
master monster!

Super job! You're...
you're the best.

Too kind, thanks for
the gig. Let's do lunch.

Hey, no problem. What
was up with this guy, huh?

Was he stinking up
the joint enough? Jeez.

"Thrasheth"?

Who... Who talketh like that?

Excellent!

Achilles! Achilles!

Should we headline
this a comeback?

Only if I could
get my old trainer.

Philoctetes to
come back with me.

And what say you, sir?

Well, uh, it's
very flattering, uh,

Uh, well, you know, I
already have a trainee and all.

You know, this is very sudden.

I wouldn't be what I
am today if not for this,

may I say, beautiful goat-man.

Jeez, kill.

I'm blushing.

I've always said this
guy here's a winner.

Ah, you know, I guess I
can coach two heroes, right?

Wow! Wow!

OK, boys, here's the scoop.

Hercules is, like, basically
dangling at the end of his rope.

Wait, I'm sorry. Let
me just visualize that.

Ahh!

OK, now let's
really burn him up.

We got the Heroes
Illustrated vase shoot at 2:00,

and then at 4:00, they're dedicating
another statue at Achilles park.

Hey, there's a fire at Arcadia.

All right, let's suit up!

Arcadia? Forget about it.

There's nothing out there
but farmers and sheep.

And besides, I got
that statue thing.

What? Those... Those
people need our help.

Not to mention the sheep.

Phil, we got a good
thing here. We're on top!

If we chase every little
two drachmas calamity,

ah, you know, people are
gonna say we're amateurs.

OK, you stay here and I'll go.

We'll be back in
three days tops.

Whoa! If the kid wants to go,

give him a merit badge.

I need you here.

Phil, come on!

Make a choice, coach.
Who's it gonna be?

The second-stringer
or the superstar, huh?

You've been waiting
for this all you life,

the fame, the
fortune, the nymphs.

You've got Phil all wrong.

He's the one who taught me that
heroes don't care about that stuff.

Heroes help people.

Come on, Phil.

Kid, I...

Achilles and me, we got
a lot of history, you know.

I'm finally getting a
taste of the big time.

You understand, right?

Yeah, sure.

My mistake.

I thought you actually
believed all that hero stuff

you taught me.

Hello! Break out the
ambrosia, my minions.

I believe have just
dissolved the partnership.

Fire!

OK, hero rule number 72:

Assess the situation.

Big, out-of-control fire.

Situation assessed. Hero
rule number 80, uh, something:

Use what you've got.

Hey, a river!

We're saved!

Thank, Zeus.

Ah, ha ha! Looks
like I'm a hero.

I've got this stuff
down. I don't need Phil.

Uh, anyone know
how to turn this off?

Well, al-al-almost a hero.

A h-h-hero-in-training.

Well, better... better...
Better go train so more now.

Beautiful, baby, beautiful!

Slice of Olympus.

That's it! That's it, ladies!

Pout! Pout!

Oh, the goat-man's
pouting more than the girls.

Phil, what's with you?

I thought a vase shoot

with the Heroes
Illustrated toga models

was a lifelong dream?

It was, it was, it's just...

You don't miss that kid, do you?

No, I, uh, just left a few
things back on the island...

Toothbrush,
deodorant, flea powder.

So go get 'em, coach.

Right. I'll be back.

Hey, I'll keep the girls
company until you get back,

You know what I mean? Ha ha.

Ah, there's nothing
else for me here,

not anymore.

Oof! Ow!

Hey, kid.

Oh, hi. I... I was just
using your equipment

for a little practice.

I hope you don't mind?

Nah, no problem.

But come, you got
yourself surrounded here,

so watch your back.

You're right. Thanks.

Well, uh, guess I'd
better get back to the villa.

Yeah. OK, well, uh,

I guess I'll see you around.

Kid, I'm sorry!

Phil, I can't do
this without you.

Ah, you betcha you can't do
it without him, you little Yutz.

Ah, nice work, Achilles.

Ah, I am on top of
the world... ohh! Uhh!

Reverse that. You know, I
thought you might like to take a look

at a little something
I whipped up.

Tartarus vision...
"TV" for short.

Oh, uh, hey, uh, look at that.

Phil and... and the kid
are back together, huh?

Yeah, and you're back to
opening for the two-headed pig.

Oh, no! Hey...
hey, come on, man!

Give me another chance, huh?

Hey... hey, did anyone ever
tell you how great you look?

Come on, let me be
a hero again, please?

You are not a hero!

Wait!

All right, so the
heel flamed out.

The basic idea is still good.

What to do about my
Herc/Phil conundrum?

Hades, remember me? Hey,
buddy, I'm your go-to guy.

Please, please,
please, please, please?

OK, everybody needs their break.

This is yours.

There's the kid and the Satyr.

I need to see, minimally,
mind you, one of them dead.

Anything you say, big daddy.

Uh, which one?

Hey, monster's choice.

Surprise me.

There you go!
Yeah, yeah, nice jab.

Dropped your guard!

Good workout, kid.

Uh... Phil, thanks
for sticking with me,

Even if I am a second-stringer.

Kid, you may not have the villa
or the endorsement deals or...

The toga models...

I was going somewhere with that.

But that's not what
being a hero is all about?

Right, right.
Right, right, right.

Saving people,
fighting monsters...

OK, ready for some
on-the-job training?

Protect the noodle!

Huh? Aah!

Nice! Now, watch your left!

Ow!

Yeah, yeah! All right!

Come on, clock him!

Yes! Yeah, now,
that's a good hit.

Give me some of that popcorn.

What, no hammy lines?

Grrr! I'm not acting this time.

Acting?

Cut the chatter! Concentrate!

Yeah!

Hades wanted me to
make Achilles look good,

but when Achilles
couldn't split you two up,

Hades sent me in to kill you,

or the goat-guy. Doesn't matter.

Why do they do that?

They got to spill every
little detail of the scheme?

Let me get this straight.

Achilles was working for Hades?

Whoa, you didn't think that loser could
beat me without Hades help, did you?

That is rich.

They've verbal diarrhea.

Oh, he was working for Hades?

Forget about Achilles,
kid! Concentrate!

Hey, Phil, we did it!

You and me together,
we beat this thing!

Yeah, yeah, great, kid. Just
make sure and keep your guard up.

Consider my guard up... whoa!

Oh, no! Herc?

Oh, yes! My man!

You da man! Ooh!

Go for the kill!

Wake up! Wake up!

Or you ain't gonna have
the chance to wake up again.

The hero or the hero trainer?

How about a twofer?

Oh, man! And I thought
your scripted dialog stunk.

Excuse me, but I thought
you got fired from this project?

Yeah, well, consider
me a free agent.

Whoa, Achilles, you really let
yourself go in the past few hours.

Get that kid out of here, Phil.

I don't know if I can keep that
monster down much longer.

But that thing
will pulverize you.

All my life I wanted to be a
hero for all the wrong reasons.

I didn't get it.
This kid, he gets it.

Let me do this, Phil.

Let me go out a true hero.

A coach doesn't
quit on his players.

Now, get in there. And
remember hero rule number 72:

Assess the situation.

And watch your heel!

Ohh! All right, Mr. Big stuff,

You want some of this?

Keep your head up! Watch
your left! No, your other left!

Am I still fighting?

No, but he is.

Is that Achilles? Oh,
how long have I been out?

Thanks, Achilles.

Now I can get Hades to
pay me for killing three guys.

Achilles, hero rule number
81: Use what you got.

Use your gut?

Mama.

Whatever works.

Whoa!

I got ya!

Thanks, Hercules. Nice hands.

I just... I hate this!

This is just... it's too much.

I got... I wanna
rip their heads out.

I gotta just blast something.

Pain, panic, could you
come here a minute?

Get over here! Ha ha ha

I love these two
guys. Come here.

Oh, what a team you two make.

Bing, bang, boom!

Nothing is gonna stop
us from the big time.

Uh, to tell you the truth,
Phil, I think I'm gonna pass.

You're gonna pass? Huh, what are
you talking about, you're gonna pass?

Come on, I had my shot.

Now it's someone else's turn.

Besides, let's face
it. Hitting the big time

is not what being
a hero's about.

Is he kidding me?

I don't think so, Phil.

Guess I'll head Arcadia way.

I hear there's some
flood victims there

who just might need a hero.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, real...
real shame about that...

That, uh, that flood thing.

Take care of that heel!

Take care of that kid, huh?