Hello Ladies (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Pool Party - full transcript

Hi, I'm visiting 223.

- Hey.
- Hello.

- Come on in. You're my first visitor.
- Yeah. Oh.

Welcome to casa del wade.

Yeah, look at this.

- I know, right?
- Yeah.

It's so close to the freeway.

Yeah, I know.
You can hear it from here.

It's not as nice as my place with
marion, but, you know, I like it.

Actually, they call this
a "sterling" apartment.

Just the one dining chair?



Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if I need more, I just
let the property manager know

And he'll rustle some up
from the basement.

It's like he says, "chairs when you
need 'em, not when you don't."

Right.

Yeah, look at that. And they've got
the bed sort of in the living room.

Yeah, it kinda has
that new york loft feel.

I suppose so.

You don't tend to see a bed
that close to a kitchen,

Do you, normally?

It's so convenient.
I love that.

- Breakfast in bed.
- And dinner.

I, uh... I'll eat dinner
in there, too.

That's the dream.



You're gonna love this.

Huh? Check it out.
It leads right to the pool.

It's like I'm
living in a resort.

Sort of.

If I give 'em notice,
I can use this,

- You know, for Cassidy's birthday party...
- Wade.

...Barbecue... what?

Wade, can I borrow your
nail clippers again, please?

Yeah, sure. Can I get
them in a little bit?

Uh, I'm about to shower,
and when the nails are soft,

- They're so easy to cut.
- Yeah, I know...

Guys, I'm gonna leave you to have
this conversation in private,

But thanks for showing me around.
Yeah.

And don't forget
the big party on Saturday.

- Yes, I'll be there.
- Yeah? All right.

Be there or be square,
my friend.

You're having a party?
May I come?

Um, I'm gonna say no,

But only because
I've never met you before.

- All right.
- See you later.

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ in the all-night city

♪ living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ and though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ he's the only one
and only one ♪

♪ he's ever gonna need

♪ absolutely,
he's in definite need ♪

♪ ooh, maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ you don't want to be lonely ♪

♪ maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ you don't want
to be lonely. ♪

I love it.

I absol... it's brilliant.
I mean, it's just everything.

It's classy,
it's intriguing, it's sexy,

But it's not vulgar, which is
what the party's gonna be like.

- That's what I was going for right there.
- Yeah, I can tell.

I can tell, mate.
It's an absolute dynamite...

Jessica, look at this.

You're the first person
to receive an official invite

To my pool party
of the century.

- Gonna party like it's 1999.
- Yep.

"you are cordially invited to an exclusive
pool party in the hollywood hills."

- Yes, you are.
- Well, technically, this is not the hills.

You should put
"the base of the hills."

This is the hills, all right?

You can see the h of the
hollywood sign from here.

Yeah, if you stand on the roof.

Why are you trying
to crap on this?

You know I've always wanted
to be known as the guy

Who throws
the best parties in la.

The best parties that are byob.

- All night long.
- All night long.

- Till the break of dawn.
- Till the early morn.

Till the early morn.

People are gonna be talking about this
for years to come, you know what I mean?

They're gonna be like, "were you
at the first ever pritch party?

It was... I heard it was cool,
it was, like, epic."

- "I heard it was cool and epic."
- "Epic.

There was, like, a girl
who just stripped off naked

And just jumped in the pool
and people were like, 'what?'"

"she slipped, cracked her head.

- There was, like, blood everywhere."
- No, no, no, no.

- "so crazy."
- No, no, no.

Actually, put up
a sign that says,

"no running by the pool" because
that could be dangerous.

Can you invite,
like, um, 20 people?

No, I'm not gonna invite a
bunch of my girlfriends over

- Just so you can hit on them.
- That's not what it's about.

You can invite your dude
friends, if you want,

As long as they
are hip and trendy.

Ethnic would be great, too, 'cause I
feel like we need more diversity.

Yeah, that'd be good.

Can you drive me
to the soup kitchen, please?

Can you invite
20 people to the party?

No, I'm not doing that.

Well, then, good luck
getting to the kitchen.

- Ooh.
- Burn.

- It's a burn, baby.
- While we're partying.

Party, party.

Organizing a party.

- Too low, too low.
- Ow!

- Watch your head.
- Got it, got it, yeah.

Hi, ron.
How ya doing?

There you go.

Hello, jackie.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

Hi.

You're new here, aren't you?

My name's jessica.
What's your name?

- It's heaven.
- Oh, heaven.

- That's a very pretty name.
- Thanks.

Bye, guys.

Hello again.

Do you have a place to sleep?

No.

I know you don't know me,

But if you need a bed,
I have an air mattress.

When you're
photographing the party,

Stylistically,
I'm thinking reportage.

How do you feel
about black and white?

I don't mind black and white

Providing it's not pretentious.

- Preaching to the choir.
- This is glenn.

Hey, glenn, it's stuart
on speakerphone

With my assistant, rory.

Who?

- Rory?
- No, who are you?

Stuart.

Pritchard.

- Chicken wings?
- Chicken wings.

What's going on, buddy?

I'll tell you what's up, mate.

I am having, at the weekend,
an epic pool party.

It's gonna be a sort of
playboy mansion vibe.

Who'd you hire for bartenders?

I don't know. I'm not
really thinking bartenders.

I was thinking
just keep it sort of DIY,

Bring your own alcohol.

You know, like most of the
hip parties are doing now.

No, you should use
runway waiters.

Smoking hot models
serving drinks.

My buddy runs the place.

Do you think
I could get a discount?

- I don't think so.
- No?

I'm just gonna go into conference.
What do you think of that?

I like it, I just don't want to treat
the models like they're objects.

- Definitely not. No, no, no.
- Dehumanize, you know what I mean?

No, no, no. Not at all,
not at all, not at all.

But hire the sexiest one
you can find.

You got it.

Glenn, it's Pritch, I'm back.

Listen, mate, could you
invite the sort of people

That you'd expect to see on, say,
a yacht party thrown by p. Diddy?

But, like,
when he was relevant?

'cause I'm gonna be
pretty fixed for nerds.

Sure.

Glenn, I'm gonna have
to call you back, mate,

'cause, um...

There's a vagrant
in my backyard.

Go away.

This is private property.

You're not welcome here.

This is called a mobile phone.

I will call the police.

Okay, relax, tough guy.
She's with me.

Do you wanna just
go up to my guesthouse?

Hey, angelina jolie.

A little word here.
What's going on?

- Who's this?
- She's just my friend.

- Just your friend? Really?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.

Did you meet her
at the soup kitchen?

She has nowhere else to go.

What, you invited her?
She's not staying.

- Well...
- What are you, a maniac?

She's probably a crackhead
or a hooker or something.

No, she's not. She is a very
sweet girl who just needs...

- Really?
- Yes, she is.

She just needs someone
to be kind to her

For once in her life.

Haven't you ever felt the need

To help someone
less fortunate than you?

Yes, it's why I let you
live in my guesthouse.

Oh, come on.

I really want
to help this girl.

- Do you?
- Yes.

All right, well, she can stay.

But you'd better invite at least
20 cool people to my party.

Fine.

Hiya.

Hi, uh...

I brought you some rosé

Just to say sorry again for what
happened at Margot's dinner.

Thank you.
That's very nice.

I feel like maybe
I should apologize

To some of the other people
that were at the dinner?

I don't know if you've got their numbers.
I could give them a call.

Margot, your boyfriend,
the black guy...

- Armand.
- Armand.

Um, and I feel like there was...
was there a blonde lady,

Attractive,
who showed up at the end?

Kimberly, yes.
She's one of my models.

Is she a model?

Hello?

- Hi, is that kimberly?
- This is her.

- Hi, this is stuart.
- Who?

Stuart Pritchard.
I'm a dear friend of Andy's.

We met very briefly
at Margot's dinner.

Oh, yeah,
the very, very tall man.

The tall guy, yeah.

That's a good memory,
good memory.

Sorry I had to take off
early that night.

I actually volunteer
at a soup kitchen, so...

- Are you a chef?
- I'm not a chef, no.

Um, although cooking
is one of my passions.

I also like theater
and socializing with friends.

I actually make my money
owning and operating

A successful
web design business.

Oh, hey, mention that we're making big
strides in CSS framework integration.

Shh. We're actually currently
making big strides

In CSS framework integration.

Oh, that's nice.

Listen, I don't know
what you're doing Saturday,

But I am having an epic
pool party in the hills.

I love parties.

I went to this insane
party last night.

The dj was amazing.
You should hire him.

He played the best dubstep.

This is weird 'cause
you could literally

Be describing
my party back to me.

Write down "drubstep."

I love "drubstep."

So, do you think you might be
able to make it to the party?

Um, yeah.

Can I bring a few people?

Yeah, no, of course, yeah.

Why don't I put you down
for, say, you know, plus 30?

Okay, sounds good.

See ya, bye.

Bye.

Oh, bit of bad news.

- She's coming.
- Oh.

Put that in the bank savings.

- Put that in the bank.
- For savings.

And see the interest
accumulate.

Cha-ching, cha-ching,
cha-ching. Oh, yes.

Oh, you have to hire a dj asap.

Done.
Now, for cleanup,

Do we want regular maids
or fantasy french maids?

Oui, oui.

We don't need maids.
You'll do the cleanup.

Earth to stuart,
we need cleaners.

If only half the people come
we've invited,

We'll have, like,
250 people in here.

This place is gonna
be decimated.

You know what I
suddenly realized?

Why am I selfishly
having a party at my place

To celebrate nothing

When we should be
having a party here

To celebrate
your beautiful new home?

Yeah, I don't know.

This is gonna be the party
of the century. Honestly.

We can just rent out
the pool downstairs.

We're gonna have
the super cool dudes here.

We're gonna have
the beautiful women.

Yeah, no, I can't
be hanging out

With beautiful
women every night.

I mean, what's
marion gonna say?

This is what you want. You want
marion worrying about this.

We'll take some pictures.
We'll put them on facebook.

- Marion will be all jealous.
- Jealous, she'll be begging for you back.

Yeah, you know, but a party
takes so much organization.

Don't worry about it.
I got my best man on it.

I got it. I've been reading
a lot of books on parties.

- And I got a spreadsheet.
- I don't know.

- Come on.
- Please?

Come on, wade.

- I'll do it.
- He's in!

Yeah, party committee!

- Party committee!
- The party committee!

- In full effect.
- Yeah.

- And I got illegal fireworks.
- Fireworks. He's got fireworks.

- No fireworks.
- No fireworks. We're not doing fireworks. Come on.

How long have you lived here?

Uh, about a year and a half.

This place seems small
for someone your age.

You don't even have a kitchen.

Oh, no, I have a kitchen.

Look.

Ta-da.

That's not a kitchen.

That's a microwave
behind a sheet.

Oh, well, I don't really...

I don't cook that much.

Do you have any weed or pills?

Why do you need drugs?

I just need something
to take the edge off.

Take the edge off of what?

You're not really
doing anything.

Hey, how about we sit together

And work on your resume?

Nah, I don't wanna do that.

You know, I could help you
get a job, if you'd let me.

You sound like
my fucking mother.

Can you turn
that shitty music off?

No, this is...
this is beautiful music,

And it inspires me.

Well, I'm trying to take a nap.

Okay, sure, yeah.
We'll just...

That's a lot of booze.

'course it is, mate. Gonna
be a lot of people here.

Here he is,
beat master general.

Keeping the beats fresh, yeah?

If you've got any
white label stuff or demos,

Don't be afraid
to throw them in.

You know, that guy
sometimes plays outside vegas.

- No.
- Yeah, at a little club.

- Hey, what is this?
- What is this, indeed. The vip section, all right?

You can only get in here if you've
got one of these bracelets.

- Oh.
- Take a bunch.

And we're only giving these
out to the cream of the crop.

People with the "it" factor. I'm
talking actresses, models, natch.

Musicians, any kind of
local businessmen.

- Cool.
- Better sign this.

What's going on here?
I booked the pool.

Oi, kid.
Who's in charge here?

Hello.

Who organized
this little shindig?

Is there anybody in there?

Are you a little bit simple?

You just roam
the land unsupervised?

- Can I help you?
- Possibly, yeah.

I actually booked
the pool from 3:00.

It's now 3:15

- And you've got the young 'uns at play.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

The only problem is that I'm having
quite a "adults only" party.

And I'm just concerned
about the kids

Seeing some of the shit
that's gonna go down.

I don't see any guests.

You don't see any guests
at the moment, no.

You don't at the moment,
but they are on the way,

And we are talking actresses,
we're talking models,

We're talking
actors and musicians,

So, as I say, it could be
a little bit x-rated,

- If you catch my drift.
- Oh, I do.

I promise we'll get out
when your guests arrive.

- How's that?
- Okay, that seems reasonable.

- Good? Okay. All right.
- All right.

She is being
completely unreasonable

And refusing to get
out of the pool.

What are the rules,
you know what I mean?

- Right.
- Like, if we don't have a system in place,

- Society collapses, right?
- Uh-huh, sure.

You know what I mean?
And I don't know

If there's a way you could
maybe have a word with her.

Yeah, I could chat with her.

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, no, I don't blame you at all,

But could you not
let anyone into the party

Who doesn't have one of
these official invites?

- Okay.
- All right?

So unless they're
carrying one of those,

Please just don't let them in.

You guys put on sunblock?

Yeah, I put on two layers.

Pardon me, excuse me.
Can I have a quick word?

Yeah, yeah.

- Who's this lot?
- What? They're other residents.

They're not really the sort of people
we're after, mate, at this party.

They're sort of
lowering the tone a bit.

What... no,
they're good guys.

I mean, Barry's also separated.
Clive's a widower.

A widower?

I don't want him droning on to
some model about his dead wife.

He never talks about her.
No one does.

You should check
with me before...

- Oi.
- Yeah?

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How's it going?
- Good.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm from runway waiters.

Of course you are.

- Rory?
- Yeah?

This gentleman says
he's from runway waiters.

Yep, you asked me
to hire someone.

Yes, I did. I asked you
to hire someone, yeah.

And what made you think that
I'd want a man, not a woman?

You didn't specify a gender.

Why would I want a better-looking
bloke than me here?

Because he's the eye candy!

Eye candy for who?
We should be the eye candy.

For everybody.
Are you kidding?

Look at this guy. He's
like a slice of heaven.

Yeah, he's
a good-looking blo...

I don't want... delete that.
I don't want a picture of him.

I don't want a picture
of me with him.

And you, put a bloody shirt on.
Come on.

I think I have one in my car.

What do you mean,
you think you have one...

Who comes out without a shirt?

Thanks for putting the pants on.
That was nice of you.

Can you stop
doing that, please?

You need to relax.
You're so uptight.

What? Sorry.

You live here, do ya?

Yeah? Wade invite ya?
Good, welcome.

- Let me get you guys.
- Don't take a... I don't want a picture with them.

- Just delete that.
- Okay, my bad.

Have you had any
emails or anything?

Texts? People just
confirming the address?

- No.
- No?

We were told there were
gonna be hot girls here.

The hot girls will be here, mate.
Don't worry.

Just so you know, if they
don't show, I might take off.

Well, let's hope
that doesn't happen.

Right out the gate, all right?
You're not coming back.

Through the gate, guys.

I'm just working
this middle-age gay party...

It's not
a middle-age gay party.

Where are you
getting that from?

Well, I just thought, uh...

It's all dudes, and you
have a giant ice dick.

I've got giant
ice tits as well,

So your whole theory's
shot, isn't it?

Seriously, you told on us?

I did tell on you, yes,
because I told you

I booked the pool from 3:00.
I told you that.

Will you stop pointing at me?

Unbelievable.

Well, you're paying
for a new one.

You're paying for a new one.

Have a fun party, asshole.

Oh, really? This is the
language we're using, is it,

In front of the kids?

No wonder they're
fucking delinquents.

Are you done with this?

Oh, yeah, you can take it.

Wait, there's one more chip.

Okay.

Hey, no, no, no.

Can you not
smoke in here, please?

Mm, can you not be
a total fascist?

Here's the thing.

If it were up to me,

I would want you
to stay here forever,

But my landlord,

He said you can't
stay here anymore.

- What a fucking asshole.
- I know, right?

But I can find you
a bed at a shelter.

I don't like those places.

They smell like shit and
they're full of crazy bitches.

I want to stay here.

Yeah, no, I know,

And, honestly, I would
want you to stay here.

- Tight.
- But it is his house, so...

we should probably
pack your things.

♪ Get dirty

♪ get dirty

♪ get dirty

♪ get dirty

♪ get dirty...

Oh, hey, Pritch.
Charles manson just called.

He wants to know if he should
come over and lighten the mood.

Impossible 'cause he's in jail,

So...

♪ get dirty

♪ get dirty...

- Hello, ladies.
- Hi.

- Welcome.
- Is this Glenn's party?

No, it's my party, but
Glenn's a friend of mine,

He's a good friend,
so he'll be along later.

Um, stuart, pleasure.

- Brittany.
- Nice to meet you.

- Lexi, nice to meet you.
- Lexi. Lexi and brittany.

Brittany and lexi.

I hope you brought your bikinis

'cause it's gonna get
pretty wild in here.

Later.

Maybe a drink
from the ice luge?

- Sure, all right.
- Yeah?

What's your poison,
cock or tits?

Ladies,
I'm your bartender, tim.

- Hi.
- Pleasure.

- Hi.
- So, was this modeled off of you?

Well, if I tell you,
I'd have to kill you.

Not really a joke, but...

- Is vodka okay?
- That's my favorite.

Yeah, it is.

All right.
I'm ready for it.

I bet you are.

You know,
I can handle you both.

I bet you can.

You know what? I saw someone
earlier drinking from that

And I think they
had a cold sore.

- Ew.
- Yeah, I just remembered.

You should've
flagged that up, really.

- Why don't you get us some house cocktails...
- Yeah.

And I'll show you
around, ladies.

All right.

No more talking
to the female guests.

Isn't this dj fantastic?
He's from very near vegas.

Stop ogling.
They're not slabs of meat.

Hi, I'm Kives.

- Hi, Kives.
- Hi.

Hop on in.
The water is delicious.

- Maybe later.
- All right.

Maybe not.

Pathetic.

If you haven't brought bikinis,

There is some talk
of skinny-dipping.

Let me get you some loungers.

Excuse me.
This is vip only.

Up you come. Up you
come, quick as you can.

No, no, stay, stay.
They're fine.

Stay. Stay.
As you were.

Mm.

Thank you, boy.
You may go.

Mm, this is so good.

- Can I get the recipe?
- Sure, yeah.

- Just give me your email...
- Yeah.

Do you know what?
Can we do that in a second?

Because I need you to run along
and get a mop and a bucket

'cause someone just threw up in
the disabled toilet, all right?

- So, off you go.
- Bye.

Sorry, was he bothering you?

- No, no, no. He's totally fine.
- Okay, good.

Mm. Cheers, everyone.

You know what?
Actually, we have to go.

You just got here.

I know. We promised we'd
go to this other thing,

But thank you so much.

Let me get you
a different drink.

Or I'll tell you what,
I could change the music.

Honestly, everything's fine,
but we have to go.

What about drugs?
Are you a fan of drugs?

I could maybe rustle up
some cocaine or something?

- Is that your thing?
- No, seriously.

We have to go.

All right, then.

Oh.

Whoo-whoo!

That's the guy.
The man of the house.

Did you get any of me
with the girls?

Oh, I got a great shot of them,

And I got some of you, so I'll
just photoshop you guys together.

Easy.

I'm gonna take off, all right?

- What?
- Yeah.

You can't leave yet. We're about
to start the jenga tournament.

That's why I am leaving.

There's not
supposed to be jenga.

It's supposed to be like a
party at the playboy mansion.

The only hot girls
have already left.

Hey, I'm sorry if we're not all

Blonde bimbos with fake tits.

That's sweet of you to say,
but it's not your fault.

I was being sarcastic.

Yeah, sure.

Sorry, apologies, all right?

I just... I had ideas about
what this party could be

And it's just...
it's not, so...

Enjoy, stay, drink, have fun.

And thanks for coming.

Hey, how come
you're not at the party?

Oh, it's full of losers.

Well, how come
you're not there?

Not tonight.

Fuck you, fucking
googly-eyed beanpole cunt.

What?

Drugs.

Uh, sorry, ladies. I'm gonna
have to stop you there.

I'm gonna need to see some id.

Kidding. I'm Kives.
Nice to meet you.

- Oh, hi.
- There are my boys. This is wade, this is rory.

- Say hi.
- Hi, guys. I'm kimberly.

- Kimberly, hi.
- Hi, this is megan.

- Megan, pleasure.
- Have you guys seen stuart anywhere?

Yeah, I think he's
in the bathroom throwing up.

Have either one of you ladies

Ever been with
another woman before?

Oh, megan, look.
It's ice tits.

Before you do that, hold on.

Would you take a picture
with wade here?

We're trying to make
his wife jealous.

Wade, get in there.

- Get in there. Gonna take a picture.
- Come on. Come on.

- Come on.
- I'm sorry.

Wade, get close, get close.
Get closer.

- That's...
- One, two, three!

- Yes!
- Oh, thank you. Thanks, girls.

You have my email address
if you ever need anything.

Like advice or whatever.

Okay.

Good luck.

Heaven?

Did you steal my iphone?

No.

Heaven...

I don't want to start
a whole thing with you

Because I know that...

Oh, whoops.

Here it is.
I'm sorry.

I never use this pocket.

You know what?
Here's $10.

Don't spend it all
on drugs, okay?

Buy some food, too.

You've got to be shitting me.

Hiya, I'm here for the party.

- Can I see your invitation?
- Oh, I haven't got an invitation.

I can't let you in
without one of these.

Yeah, I know the policy.
I made the policy.

I made the invitation
as well. It's my party.

I was here about two minutes ago.
I just left.

- Can I see your residence id?
- I haven't got a residence id.

I wouldn't live here.
I mean, I don't live here.

- A friend of mine has got a place here.
- Well, call your friend.

I can't call my friend 'cause
one of your other residents

Threw my phone in the
swimming pool earlier.

Where were you then?

I can't let you in without an
invitation or a residence id.

- I don't make the rules.
- I do make the rules, though.

I'm telling you.
What are the rules?

It's just...
just ignore the rules.

Please reverse your car.

Thanks!

♪ Who draws the crowd
and plays so loud? ♪

♪ Baby, it's the guitar man ♪

♪ who's gonna
steal the show? ♪

♪ You know, baby,
it's the guitar man ♪

♪ he can make you love

♪ he can make you cry

- ♪ he will bring...
- Wade! Kives!

- ♪ he'll get you high...
- Glenn!

♪ Something keeps him going

♪ miles and miles a day...

Please climb down
from the fence.

This is...
this is my party.

Sir, climb down
from the fence now.

No, but this is my party.
Seriously.

Last time I'm telling you.
Climb down now.

♪ Listen to the guitar man ♪

♪ then he comes to town

♪ and you see his face

♪ and you think you might ♪

♪ like to take his place ♪

♪ something
keeps him driftin' ♪

♪ miles and miles away

♪ searching
for the songs to play ♪

Whoo!

♪ He can make you love

♪ he can get you high

♪ he will bring you down

♪ and he'll make,
make you cry ♪

♪ but he never
seems to notice ♪

♪ he's just got to find
another place to play ♪

♪ either way

♪ got to play...