Hello Ladies (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Dinner - full transcript

Why should he doubt it?
Why should I hide my regard?

No particular reason.
Only that we know...

Why are we watching this?

It was nominated for seven Oscars.

I feel I know Mr. Willoughby already.

I don't care. If one of these
women doesn't take her shirt off

in the next five minutes,
I'm switching it off.

Hang on, wait.
Pause the film, mate.

Where you off to dressed like this?

Grocery shopping?

Me and the girls are going to Hades.



I thought that was a gay club.
Why are you going to a gay club?

Attractive women prefer gay clubs

so there's not a bunch of guys there

competing to get our numbers.

There's no competition?

Give me five minutes to get changed.

- No, no, you're not coming.
- Oh, come on.

No.

Oh, I'll give you my Wi-Fi code.

You have three minutes.

What about movie night?

Well, just stay and, you know,
finish watching the film.

And, you know, whatever you want.

- Use the hot tub if you like. All right?
- Okay.



Don't heat it up, though,
'cause it honestly costs a fortune.

Thanks.

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ In the all-night city

♪ Living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ And though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ He's the only one
and only one ♪

♪ He's ever gonna need

♪ Absolutely,
he's in definite need ♪

♪ Ooh, maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely ♪

♪ Maybe we've been alone
too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely. ♪

( dance music playing )

If you need me,
I'll be on the dance floor.

Enjoy.

- Hi.
- Hello.

( giggling )

Hi.

Wow, you look so great.
I love your dress.

Oh, it's vintage.

Yeah, I thought it looked old.

And you're so tan.

Is she not the most tan?

- Oh, my goodness.
- Thanks.

Are you still walking dogs for money?

No.

No? It's a shame because I really,
really need someone.

Margo.

Amelia, hello, sweetie.

Oh, how fresh you look.
I'm seeing you Saturday, right?

Of course, of course.

Great, see you then.

I love her.
Do you know Margo?

Love her.

This woman throws the best
dinner parties in Los Angeles.

Best.

They're always packed with...

( together )
Tastemakers, groundbreakers.

Everything.

So then you're going on Saturday?

Saturday?

Yeah, I didn't see your
name on the e-mail list.

Satur...
this Saturday?

Yes.

Um, yeah, if poss.
I'm super busy.

- Girl: Who isn't?
- Yeah.

( music continues )

( yelps )

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- What are you doing?
- He was allowed to do it.

What... what are the rules?

Did you see"The Gladiator"?

( speaking softly )

Love that.
It's the feathers...

Margo?

Oh, hi.

- Everyone, this is Jessica.
- Hi.

We campaigned for Obama together.

- How are you?
- Oh, I'm really good.

Let's go.
All the girls here are stuck up.

Fuck off.
Margo...

I love, love your skirt.

- Is it one of yours?
- I wish.

Marc Jacobs loaned it to me.
I never gave it back.

Oh, my God, how I miss your stories.

I'd love to have you over
for dinner sometime.

- We could catch up.
- That sounds fun.

How about Saturday?

I can't do Saturday, honey.
Sorry.

Shoot, you know, because Saturday
is really the only day that I have.

Actually, I'm having a little
dinner at my house Saturday.

Why don't you come by?

Oh, you're having a dinner
on Saturday? Oh.

( music continues )

My goodness.

How tall are you?

Just so you know, I'm not gay,
so nothing's gonna happen there.

I wasn't hitting on you.

Sure.

Oh, my God.
There you are.

- Woman: Hi.
- Mwah.

Mwah.

Six-foot-seven.

I'm sorry?

Sorry, you asked about my height.
Six-foot-seven.

Right, right.

Sorry if I seemed a bit curt.

It's just that sometimes if I think
someone's making fun of my height,

I get a little bit...
you know what I mean?

I meant no offense.
I love how tall you are.

Oh, appreciate it.
My name's Stuart by the way.

- Andy.
- Nice to meet you.

- Justin.
- Hello.

- And these ladies are?
- Oh, these are some of our best friends.

This is Candice
and Melanie and Heidi.

- Hello, ladies.
- Melanie has the best tits ever.

Feel them.

Pardon me?

- I said, "Feel them."
- Melanie: Go ahead.

Oh, my God,
what is this that you're wearing?

Whatever this is is
so fucking offensive, I love it.

I wanna be buried in that.

Thank you, yeah.
I'm actually...

I'm inspired a lot
by the fashions of Adrien Brody.

Yeah, well, who isn't, right?

Um, sorry, you wanted me to feel...

- Gotta run.
- Bye.

Oh, where are they going?

Forget them.
They're skanks.

They will fuck anything that moves.

Will they?

If you're into models,
talk to this guy.

He runs a modeling agency.

You run an agency?

- Okay, I'm ready to go.
- Fuck off.

You run a modeling agency?

I'm sorry, I love that dress.

Your tits look amazing in it.

- Thank you.
- Can I feel them?

- Let him feel them.
- Okay.

Do you sort of own the agency?

Or is it like...
you own it.

Andy, Andy.
These are better than I imagined.

- You've gotta feel them.
- Oh, here I come.

Here we go...
ooh!

Stuart, feel them.

Sure.
All right.

So you...

- We should get going, Andy.
- Oh, already?

- Great meeting you guys.
- Yeah.

Bye, everyone.

What's the name of the agency?

Bye, everyone.
Margo, Saturday.

See you then, sweetie.

Yeah, see you Saturday, Margo.

What's happening on Saturday?

I'm going to leave the price on

so they know how much we've spent.

No, we're not doing that again.

- Yes, I spent 12.99 on it.
- No, we're not doing that.

Also, you better be on
your best behavior tonight because

this party is going to be
filled with tastemakers

and groundbreakers.

Oh, wow, are there going to be
trailblazers or trendsetters there?

Okay, you are disinvited.

- Really, that's it? Happens that quickly?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Happens fast.
- Yeah?

You know what, though?
Seriously, don't...

don't push it tonight.
Don't try too hard.

You don't need to teach me
lessons, love, all right?

I know how to charm gay people.

I got a lot of gay friends.

- Oh, you do?
- Yeah.

Huh. Name three.

Andy.

The guy you met at the club
is your friend?

I wouldn't say a good friend, but I'd
certainly consider him a pal, yeah.

Okay, a second?

I think my aunt might be a lesbian.

- Your aunt?
- Yeah. She certainly dresses like one.

Cool. And then a third one?

The woman that my aunt's been
living with for the last 20 years.

"Auntie Maureen."

Oh, great.
Give me that wine.

I'm gonna put it in a gift bag.

( doorbell rings )

- What did you do, order a cab?
- No.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Look, someone dressed up
for movie night.

Oh, wait.

I'm sorry, man. I comp...
I completely forgot about movie night.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I'm sorry, I've got...
we're going to a dinner party.

Can you get out of it?

I can't miss it, mate. There's a guy
there and he runs a modeling agency.

If I get in with him,
he can fix me up with models.

You know that's one of my dreams.

So I... I woulda made other plans.
That's all.

- I know...
- You've done this to me two times in a row.

I know, I know, I know.
But why don't you... look,

why don't you stay here, man? You can
watch the movies on the big-screen TV.

Just chill out. Put the surround
sound on and everything.

It's gotta be better
than the motel, right?

No, it is, it is.
You're right.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.

I'm sorry, man.

- Okay, gotta go.
- All right.

- See you later.
- Have fun.

And if you get hungry,
there's some Chinese food in the fridge.

- Great.
- Don't eat it, obviously,

'cause I'm gonna have that tomorrow,

but the number is on
the side of the place,

so just give 'em a ring.
They'll deliver. All right?

See you, man.

( music, voices talking within )

Ah, hello.

- Welcome.
- Hi. I brought you some wine.

- Oh, how sweet...
- We did. It was from both of us.

Yeah, this is my good friend Stuart.

- Hello, Stuart.
- Hello.

- What a beautiful place you have.
- Thank you.

Thank you. Everyone,
I'd like you to meet Stuart and Jessica.

You made it.

I was invited.

Andy, Stuart.

Yes, yes, from the club.

Good to see you.
Oh... hey. Oh.

Oh, do you...

Good to see you again.

Sorry, what's your name again?

Oh, this is Armand, my boyfriend.

Good to meet you.

Jessica, come here.
Lovely gay couple here.

- Oh, hello. Hi.
- Hi.

- And this chap here as well.
- Hi.

Well, I think it's time
for a toast. A toast, everyone.

To Margo.
Thank you for welcoming us to your home.

And to an evening of good
conversation and better friends.

Guests:
Aww.

And a world where people
of all shapes and sizes,

colors, creeds, persuasions

can live in harmony.

- Guests: Cheers.
- Wait, hang on.

Without fear

of discrimination

or religious intolerance
towards those

who do not choose who they love...

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I passed a billboard with Channing
Tatum on it and I had to pull over.

( laughter )

Yep, not quite the time
for humor, though,

'cause we're just
in the middle of a toast.

- Oh, sorry.
- Yeah.

To...

uh...

an end of prejudice.

- Cheers.
- Guests: Cheers.

I could never be accused
of prejudice.

As we all know,
I went down on a Samoan bartender once.

( laughter )

Good for you.
Good for you, mate.

Margo has all of this
made from scratch.

Woman:
Oh!

Thank you.

So, ladies, what do
you do for a living?

- I am an actress.
- Ah.

- I'm an actor.
- Ah.

What about you?

Runs a modeling agency.

Well remembered.

And Armand works at "Vanity Fair."

He's one of the editors
of the "Vanities" section.

- Oh, really?
- I love that section.

Now, what is the "Vanities" section?
'Cause that sounds fascinating.

I write profiles on
up-and-coming actresses.

Andy: He discovered Annie
Hathaway when she was nobody.

Rachel McAdams when she was nobody.

Amy Adams when she was nobody.

Well, I'm a nobody.
Can I be in it?

( laughter )

Oh, I'm serious.
Put me in it.

Well, I'm more of
a nobody than she is.

Oh, definitely not.

Armand, so, "Vanity Fair."

That must be a great job.

Yes, it's kinda like my dream gig.

I think it's great that you're
living your dream. Can I say that?

'Cause so many people,
you know, like you guys,

never get the chance.

There was a young chap
when I was at school, um,

and he was bullied mercilessly.

Constantly. We used to break
his bike and push him over

and steal his little hat
and throw it back and stuff.

And when he was 15 years old,

he took an overdose of pills.

Killed himself.

And I'm pretty certain it's
'cause we all thought he was gay.

I'm sorry, I thought I was
invited to a dinner, not a wake.

( laughter )

Although that waiter is giving me
rigor mortis in the crotch, so...

( laughter )

Margo:
I cannot control him.

Margo, where's the bathroom, please?

- Oh, down the hall to the right.
- Thank you.

Wow, look at this place.

The Pritch parlor is super swank.

Yeah. So what movie
you want to watch?

I got "Lincoln Lawyer," I got "Perfect
Murder," I got loads of 'em. I got...

Listen, Wade, we could watch a movie,

but we could also teach
Stuart a little lesson

for leaving you in the lurch. Again.

Yeah, but, you know, Kives,
he's got his reasons. It's fine.

I'm not talking about anything crazy.

No, I don't wanna.

It's a little mischief.

Show him he can't treat
you this way. Right?

I mean, I guess if
it's only mischief.

Excellent.
Where's his bedroom? Down here?

Yeah.

Kives:
Jesus.

Jessica, how long
have you been acting?

Oh, um, ten years.

And have we seen you in anything?

Yes, I was actually the female lead of
an action film called "White Venom Two."

With Willem Dafoe.

( guests murmur )

And guess who was in
"White Venom" One? Hello.

Actually, it's funny.
That's how we met.

We were both auditioning for
"White Venom" and I got the part,

and the movie made a ton of money,

and then...
so they wanted to make a sequel

and they asked me to do it,

but they wanted me to do nudity

and I felt that it was
a bit exploitative, but Jess,

no such qualms. She just jumped straight in,
whipped it out. There she was. She did it.

Yeah, well, most of
the nudity did get cut out

- after the test screenings.
- Yeah.

I just wish it had gotten
a theatrical release.

Oh, it did. Number one film
in Korea for six weeks.

Yes, in Korea.
Uh, North or South?

( laughing )

( silent )

Join us for some
coffee in the lounge.

Hey, hey, hey.

I think I've been
judging the mood wrong.

Oh, you think?

Okay, there's no need for sarcasm.

What I've realized is,

the gay fellas,
they love the outrageous jokes.

So listen, I've been looking
a few up in the bathroom, okay.

I just need you
at some point to just say,

"Oh, you know, Stuart's
a hilarious gag man."

- And I'll rattle a few off.
- Don't do jokes. You're not funny.

- What are you talking about? I'm funny.
- You are not funny, okay?

- I am funnier than you.
- When have you ever said a funny thing?

- I'm funny all the time.
- Come on, I gave you my Wi-Fi code.

- Ugh. Okay, fine.
- Thank you.

You need to help
me out with something

because Amelia is all over Armand,

trying to weasel her way
into "Vanity Fair."

You haven't been doing that yourself?

- No.
- No? Okay.

I mean, if he wants to put
me in the "Vanities" section,

- then that's his prerogative.
- Sure.

I just need you to,
sort of, compliment me.

Just talk about my work.

- Well, you better laugh at my jokes.
- Okay, yeah, I will.

Well, my agent always tells me
that you can't look at Twitter.

Guys, do you mind if I
interrupt for one second?

I do apologize, but, um,

I would feel bad if I didn't
take this opportunity

just to flag up to you, Armand,

that you really should
put Jessica in your magazine

'cause she is a great actress.

Oh, Stuart, you're embarrassing me.

I know, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but...

Stuart, tell us a joke.
He's hilarious.

Ah, what do you call
two gay Irishmen?

Patrick Fitzmichael,
and Michael Fitzpatrick.

It's good to have a bit of a laugh.

Have some fun.

I like you guys 'cause you
got a great sense of humor.

That's what I love about you dudes.

You know what I mean?

Did you... sorry,
I'm trying to remember.

When we were in the club,
did you mention something about

fixing me up with a model?
Do you remember?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, the club.
- Oh.

We were just talking 'cause you were

in the agency and, you know,
I'm tall, they're tall.

There you go.

I should set...
I will set you up.

- How about that?
- Thank you, I appreciate it.

- Okay.
- Thank you, thank you.

Maybe now.

- Huh?
- Huh? I'm just saying,

maybe we could do it now.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Hey, Wade...

Hope I didn't blink.

Oh, yeah.

Just a little delicious hand soap.

( snickers )

No. no.

No.

Would you go ethnic?

It's a good question.
Um...

I think in the right
circumstances, I would, yeah.

- Okay.
- Who've you got in mind?

Well, I have a gorgeous
Vietnamese here.

Keep talking.

Oh, me love her long ti...

that's a lovely looking girl.
Don't you think?

- Yep. Sweet. Very sweet face.
- Andy: Yeah?

I was there for months doing
"West Side Story" actually,

and it took every
little bit of willpower

to not go in there and
just shove my face full...

Okay, wait a minute,
you were in "West Side Story"?

But you were the understudy, right?

That is correct.
I was the understudy in London, and then

on Broadway, I was the lead.

Listen, I saw this model
on a billboard

on Hollywood Boulevard and she's

rather, sort of won my heart.

Justin:
Oh, my God, that's Kimberly.

Andy, text her right now,
see what she's doing.

- I'm on it.
- She loves tall men.

Oh, okay.
All right.

Okay, "Hey, Kim,

just met a great guy..."

- Andy.
- Hang on, he's busy.

- What is it?
- No, stay focused. Come on.

- Amelia was in "West Side Story."
- It's...

- Cool.
- Make her sing.

No, I'm not going to sing.

It'll make me look like
the biggest show-off in the world.

- Yeah.
- No, it won't.

Or will it?

I would love to hear something.

So would I, but let's get this
bloody message sent, shall we?

Okay, fine,
I'll sing one song, but one.

Nice.

Sent.

♪ Hold my hand
and I'll take you there ♪

♪ Somehow

♪ Someday

♪ Some...

♪ Where.

Sorry, I get emotional.

Fantastic.

Thank you.

- Amazing. Amazing.
- Margo: Just fabulous.

Thank you.

Please... oh, I'm sorry,
I sat right on you.

Yeah, you did.

- Armand: Gorgeous.
- Thank you.

- That was wonderful.
- Thank you.

I didn't realize we were doing
our party pieces tonight.

Should I do mine?

Do you sing?

No, I am actually more of a dancer.

Oh, what kind of dance?

Tap.

Did you bring your tap shoes
to this party tonight?

No. No.
But I can make some.

Okay. It's been a little while,

so please be kind.

( chuckles )

( chuckles )

Ow.

Could you come down?

Oh, no, it's good.

It's a good height.

Please, come down.

Fine.

Ruiner.

- Oh, Kimberly says she's coming over.
- Really?

Tell her she better hurry up
or she's going to miss Sammy Davis, Jr.

( snickers )

( panting )

Thank you.

Well done.
That was very brave.

Yeah, thank you.

Well, you know, I normally...
I perform with music.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

It was...
it was very memorable.

This party is entirely too clothed.

Margo, can we go in the hot tub?

Margo:
Tub time.

Bathing suits in the bathroom
down the hall. Right this way.

- Yes.
- Getting naked.

Stuart.

What the hell was that?

Yeah, that... that didn't really go
as well as I thought that it would.

You think?

Yeah, and you know I got
Amelia breathing down my neck.

Of course.

Would you invite Armand and everyone
over to our house for dinner?

And that way,
I could get him one-on-one.

I could impress him a little easier.

How am I just going to
invite everyone to our house?

Casually bring it up.

But, I mean, don't come off
like you're trying too hard.

- Ask casually.
- No, no, I wouldn't try too hard.

That would be the worst thing
to do in this situation.

I will do this for you because
I have a date with a model.

- Great, yeah, cool. Yeah, do it.
- Okay, all right.

Come on, Happy Feet.

Kives, "To do list."
Look, "Finish coding."

- "Don't finish coding."
- Ha ha.

I love it. I love it.

- Hey, you know what?
- What?

Maybe we shouldn't be
on his computer.

That seems like a violation.

Listen to me, Wade,
you're a great guy, okay?

But you're too nice, man.

I think we're going easy on him.

Wait a minute, look.
Dude, come here. Come here.

Look at Pritch before
he lost his looks.

( laughing )

Wow, he's almost as tall
as the Eiffel Tower there.

Look at that.
Hey, "Harry Potter," Hermione called.

Let's check this out.

What is this?

"Stuart Pritchard's
hopes and dreams."

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

"Learn saxophone to superb level.

Have a threesome.
Me plus two women."

Well, thank you for clarifying that.

"Learn to relax during a lap dance."

"If gray hair happens, make it work."

"Find the right underwear
for body type."

"Get sister's teeth fixed."

What shape are her fucking teeth in?

"Date a model.
Take her to school reunion.

Make Trudy regret her decision.

Experience love.
Reciprocate it.

Wife. Kids.
Happiness, question mark.

Don't die alone."

- I'm gonna close this.
- Yeah.

You know, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna erase that.

Now, everybody, please keep
your hands where I can't see them.

Talking of hands, what do you call
a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single.

Where do you get these jokes from?

I know, isn't he delightful?

We're roommates,
so I'm laughing 24-7.

Kimberly is gonna love you.
She loves to laugh.

Oh, well, I hope so.

And thank you again for, you know,
making the introductions.

In fact,
I would love to invite you gentlemen,

in fact, everyone...
welcome

to come over our place sometime.

When she's not tap-dancing,
she's a tremendous cook.

I am.

- Thank you, that sounds lovely.
- Great.

We need some fun new friends.

We're always hanging out
with the same boring people.

Boring?
How dare you?

I too am hilarious.

What is the definition of confusion?

20 blind lesbians in a fish market.

Did you hear about the gay rock star?

He drank a bottle of scotch
and then tidied his hotel room.

What do you call a gay man
from the South?

A "homo-sex-y'all."

( laughter )

When does...
when does a gay man become a faggot?

When he leaves the room.

That's really offensive.

No, it's not.
Why?

It's homophobic.

No, no, you weren't listening.
No, it's about hypocrisy, if anything.

Listen again.

When does a gay man become a faggot?

When he leaves the room.
Do you hear what I'm saying?

It's saying that straight people
call you faggots behind your back.

- Which we do.
- But we shouldn't.

But we shouldn't.
No, I mean, we don't.

But, you know, some people do.

Please stop saying "faggot."

It wasn't even originally
about gay people.

- I changed the words.
- Yeah, see.

Yeah, originally it was "When
does a black man become a ni..."

Gosh, I don't remember what it was.

I think you should leave.

No, I honestly don't think
you're listening to my point.

Please go.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

♪ On a morning
from a Bogart movie ♪

♪ In a country where
they turn back time ♪

♪ You go strolling through
the crowd like Peter Lorre ♪

♪ Contemplating a crime

♪ She comes out of the sun
in a silk dress ♪

♪ Running like a watercolor
in the rain ♪

♪ Don't bother asking
for explanations ♪

♪ She'll just tell you
that she came ♪

♪ In the year of the cat... ♪

Sorry about the...

you know, getting thrown out
of the hot tub and everything.

Well, I'm sorry
about the tap dancing.

( laughs )

Why haven't I seen it before?

- I was just saving it up.
- Wow.

Mm-hmm.
The secret weapon.

( chuckling )

- Objection, Your Honor!
- Sustained!

Hey.

- How was dinner?
- What's he doing here?

I deliberately live up a hill with a flight
of steps to the top to stop him visiting.

You're right, Pritch,
sorry about that.

I totally should have
checked before I came over.

Yeah, don't worry about it.
Just call next time.

Understood.

'Night, buddy.

You know, I'm going to get going too.

Thanks for letting me stay tonight.

Yeah, sorry again for...

- See ya.
- Yeah.

- Stuart: Good night.
- Good night.

♪ Well, morning comes
and you're still with her ♪

♪ And the bus
and the tourists are gone ♪

♪ And you've thrown away
your choice and lost your ticket ♪

♪ So you have to stay on

♪ But the drumbeat strains
of the night remain ♪

♪ In the rhythm of
the newborn day ♪

♪ You know sometime
you're bound to leave her ♪

♪ But for now
you're going to stay ♪

♪ In the year of the cat

♪ Mm, the year of the cat.