Hello Ladies (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Long Beach - full transcript

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ In the all-night city

♪ Living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ And though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ He's the only one
and only one ♪

♪ He's ever gonna need

♪ Absolutely,
he's in definite need ♪

♪ Ooh, maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely ♪

♪ Maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want
to be lonely. ♪



Oh, Stuart, get off me.

What are you doing?

(groans) What's going on?

Your head was on my chest.
Gross.

(sighs) Yeah, well,
count your blessings

'cause I normally
wake up with an erection,

but you've put an end to that.

This is crazy. You should be
paying for me to stay in a hotel.

I'm not putting you in a hotel.

I'm already paying for a new
roof for the guesthouse,

which it doesn't need.

Mike!

D-boy!

Lopez, you wankers!



Where me homies at?
In the backyard.

Do you need anything?

- No, we're good. Thank you!
- Nope.

All right, boys.

Jessica: Stuart, why are you
trying to be friends with them?

You have to. Guys like
this, working-class dudes,

if they smell that you're not one
of them, they will fleece you.

Really? And how exactly
do you win them over?

Easy, just talk to them about
stuff that they relate to.

You know, like cars,
you know, or shagging.

Football, whatever.

Name three
American football teams.

(sighs) Miami Dolphins,

Chicago Bulls,
Detroit Tigers. Done.

You just named a football team,

a basketball team,
and a baseball team.

Well, how am I
supposed to remember?

I mean, every fucking
American sports team's

just a bloody city and some
arbitrary animal stuck together.

(laughs) Oh, look at me, I'm a
fan of the Chicago Squids.

- (laughs)
- What does it even mean?

(exhales) Hello, lads.

Mike, hut-hut.

Hut-hut.

Oh, touchdown!

Yeah.

How's it going? Need anything?
Fancy a beer?

No, it's, like,
10:00 in the morning.

What, too early
for you lads, is it?

Yeah, I'm normally sipping a
cold one at this time of day.

A little bit of an alcoholic.

But there you are.

What are you using here?
Wood?

- Plywood.
- Plywood.

Yeah, wood's a good idea
for any kind of construction.

Did I tell you that my uncle used
to be in the building trade? ions.

- Yeah, a couple times.
- Yeah, good guy.

Sadly, went up a ladder once,
fell off, killed himself.

Not intentionally.

Slipped or something.
Broke his spine.

So be careful up there, yeah?

Where are you gangsters from?

- Long Beach.
- Greatest city in the world.

Yeah, we don't care if you're a stranger.
We'll fucking die for you.

- Sounds like where I'm from.
- Oh, yeah? Where's that?

Just outside Chipping Norton.

Although I actually spent a lot of
time growing up in Wiveliscombe.

Are you happy with the glass?

What's that for, the skylight?

- Mike: Yeah.
- Let's take a look at this.

Yeah, I wouldn't touch that, man.
That's sharp.

Yeah, it's all cool, dude.

- Lopez: You all right?
- Yep.

All right, well,
better get back to it.

This... yeah,
it's all good.

See ya, boys.

- Ah! Ah!
- Oh, man up.

- You man up.
- (Doorbell rings)

Oh, can you get that for me,
please, 'cause of the...

Who is gonna stay
and wax your vagina?

Vulgar.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Coffee and bagels.
- Oh, great.

What do you need, mate?
'Cause I'm not feeling 100%.

He's not here to see you.

He's here for me.
Come on.

- What's this about?
- Marion.

Of course it is.

Wade:
All right, so Marion said

she didn't want to have
contact with me for 30 days.

- Mm-hmm.
- And today the 30 days are up.

So, you know,
I want to do something

to basically save my marriage.

Did you get any cream cheese?

Should be in the bag.

- Well, I only see butter.
- Stuart, can you shut up?

Can you not be mean, please?

Hey, Stuart, I just bought the
domain name "Stuartisms."

- So I got that if you need it.
- That's a good idea.

- I wish I could celebrate, mate, but look at that.
- Whoa.

So, well, what are you
thinking about doing?

Well, I thought I would...

write a really, really
romantic e-m

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

I think you should do
something more exciting.

- Well, I mean, I'm way ahead of you there.
- Okay.

I'm gonna also include
a link to the song

"Up Where We Belong"
from her favorite movie,

"Officer and a Gentleman."

Well, there you go.

You should do something
like the end of that movie.

You know, I've never seen it.

What? You've never seen
"An Officer and a G"?

The chemistry between
Gere and Winger is insane.

Wonder if anything
ever happened offscreen.

You shitters taking off?

Yeah, we should be done
by the end of the week.

Yeah, no sweat.

Good to have some real men in
the neighborhood for a change.

Aside from myself, obviously.

Yeah, most of the guys around
here wouldn't know the difference

between a fucking claw hammer

and a regular,
you know, everyday...

sort of house hammer.

Yeah, so why you
live here, then?

What can I say?
Chicks dig the crib.

Yeah, bet this house keeps you
balls-deep in pussy, man.

Yeah, I gets me oats.

Yeah... That chick you're ban,
she's pretty hot.

The one who slept
in my bed last night?

Yeah, she's pretty smoking,

but, uh, I'm not actually
banging her at the moment.

She would love me to,
is the truth,

but I have actually
got a little, sort of

"will they, won't they" thing going
on with this little cupcake.

- All: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
- Yeah. Damn. Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- She's draining your nuts? For real?

I wouldn't say she was
draining my nuts, per se.

So, how far you got with her?

Like, oral or what?

Not oral sex, but we
spoke on the phone.

- (laughs)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Shit, man, that's it?
- What are you talking about?

You got hot chicks coming out your
ass, you ain't fucking none of 'em?

- Eh, fuck off.
- What's wrong with you?

Hold on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What the fuck are you talking about?
- What?

You couldn't get laid
for six months.

Oh, couldn't get laid
for six months.

And you ended up
fucking Sharon Marino.

- Oh!
- Fucking Sharon Marino.

What are you talking about?
She was just my slump-buster.

- Slump-buster.
- All right?

Slump-buster, my ass.

What's a slump-buster?

It's just a chick you bang
to end a dry spell, man.

Maybe that's what I need. As if.

Well, you should
come to Long Beach, man.

- Yeah? - The girls aren't all stuck
up and shit like in LA.

- Really?
- They'll have sex for days.

Ooh, for days.
Right?

You don't gotta eat
their pussy or nothing.

That's...
a refreshing change.

Down-to-earth.
That's what I like.

Well, look, why don't you
come down sometime

and we'll find you
a slump-buster, all right?

Yeah, maybe I will.

What are you fuckheads doing
tonight, just out of interest?

Getting drunk,
getting our dicks wet,

- Long Beach style.
- Oh.

LBC wet dick posse.

Oh, sopping wet dicks.
Yes, please.

Give you a holler later.

(movie score playing)

Oh, this is so romantic.

Yeah, why...
why is it?

Because he's being spontaneous.

He's being assertive.

What do they make
at this factory?

Jessica: You should
do this for Marion.

If a guy surprised me
at work like that,

I would be totally blown away.

They probably make something
for the local Navy base.

But what?

Wade, I think you should
do this for Marion tonight.

Yeah, I think you should
go to her work, surprise her,

take her to
her favorite restaurant,

and then just see
where the night takes you.

If you did that to me, whew,
I'd be putty in your hands.

- Really?
- Real... you've already got my heart.

- (laughs)
- I think you should go for it.

Shoot, I can't.
I have Cassidy tonight.

Well, I could watch her
for you, if you want.

- Really?
- Yeah, if it's just for a few hours.

I think you should do it.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

Man, if I had a girl, I'd carry
her like that every day.

And I'd get one
of those suits, too.

(car approaching)

(music playing)

Give us your wallet
or lick my fucking balls.

Sir, if I lick your balls, can I
definitely keep my wallet, please?

(laughing)

(laughs nervously)

You're a funny fucker, dude.

As soon as I saw the tinted windows,
I thought, "It's those fuckers."

And it was, and I thought,
"I'll screw with them."

- And, you know...
- Get in.

♪ What you think
'bout throwin' with a twist? ♪

♪ Got the Playboy bitches
on my hit list... ♪

(tires screeching)

(laughing)

- I'm Stuart, by the way.
- Pube.

- Pube?
- Yeah.

Your name is Pube?

Yeah. Have some
pimp juice, fool.

All:
Yeah!

Take that shit.
Take it. Take a swig.

- What is in this?
- You don't wanna fucking know.

(all laughing)

- Drink that.
- (All cheer)

Oh, that's an interesting
combination of flavors.

- (laughing)
- What is in there?

It feels like it's
behind my eyes, burning.

Okay, great.
I can help you with that.

Can I get your account
number, please?

- (music playing on phone)
- Great.

♪ Love lift us up where
we belong... ♪

Great.
Pulling that up now.

Oh, fuck!
Oh, uh...

I'm so sorry. Yes.
I have your account here.

What are you doing here?

These are for you.
Come on.

No, Wade, Wade, I'm at work.

Can you turn off the music?
We're all on the phone.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Sir, I'm not getting your account number here.

Do you have a tracking number?

- Where is Cassidy?
- I got a babysitter.

- Oh. No, no, stop!
- Come on, I'm taking you to dinner.

Wade, Wade, stop! Stop!
I'm sorry.

Um, I am so sorry, sir.

Yes, it looks like that will
be to you Tuesday morning.

(whispers)
You should've called me.

I'm just... I was... I'm just
trying to be spontaneous.

Well, I have a break
in 20 minutes.

We can have a cup of coffee
in the cafeteria, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- (presses button)
- I am so sorry.

If you call back on Tuesday,

it looks like we may be able
to give you a more exact time.

(music playing)

Slump-buster central!

Cool.

What do you think about her
in the black and white dress?

Stuart:
What's her story?

Her name is Erika.
We call her Easy E

because she is a total nympho.

- She sounds nice.
- Come on.

Can you mention that I own and
operate my own web design business?

- Mike, hi!
- How you doing, baby?

So, ladies, this is
my bro, Stuart.

He is the fucking best.

He owns his own
wedding design business.

Web design, web design.

And he will take a bullet

through the fucking
dick for you.

Oh, Michael,
you're making me blush.

But I would.

- I love your accent.
- I like your accent.

- Thanks.
- I like your nose ring as well.

- It's cool.
- Yo.

- Where are you from?
- I'm from here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Let's go, let's go!
Come on.

What?
What's happening?

We're gonna go fuck someone up.

All right, well,
good luck with that.

- We need you.
- No, let's go.

Are you sure
it's not better for me

to just stay here with the girls,
like, save a place at the bar?

No, let's go, come on.

We're gonna go fuck someone up.

Ooh, I really like
your picture.

Thank you.

- Purple girl?
- Purple girl.

- (giggles)
- (Phone chiming)

- Hey.
- Hey.

Do you wanna hang?
I can be there in five minutes.

Yeah, sure.

Well, I'm babysitting,
so Cassidy will be here.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, I'm just
wrapping up some stuff.

Probably be wrapping up around the
time you're done babysitting.

When will that be,
do you think?

Um, just, like,
a couple hours or so?

Oh, just text me
when you're done. Bye.

Cassidy:
Who was that?

That was Glenn.

Is he your boyfriend?

(chuckles) It's complicated.

- Do you kiss him?
- Sometimes.

Then why isn't he your boyfriend?
You're pretty.

Well, maybe I don't
want a boyfriend.

Does he want to
be your boyfriend?

I don't know what
he's thinking exactly.

Why don't you ask him?

Well, I can't ask him.
I'll seem clingy.

What the heck is clingy?

It means that I like him,

but I don't want to tell him

because then
he'll use it against me.

I have two boyfriends.

Good for you.

♪ Fuck 'em if you're
doing your thing ♪

♪ They run, point a finger ♪

♪ Figure they got it
figured out ♪

♪ This whole life
is a contradiction ♪

♪ You're who? Hell, naw,
I won't listen ♪

♪ Blow the universe
into submission ♪

♪ Fuck 'em if you're
doing your thing ♪

♪ They run,
point a finger... ♪

What's up, bitch?

Oh, what's up, Mike,
you fucking pussy?

(chuckling)

You got something to say
to my fucking face?

I ain't got shit
to say to you, dawg.

Mike:
Really?

Why you talking all that shit
behind my back, then?

Man: I didn't say fuck
about you, homey.

Be a man and admit it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, man, I didn't say
fucking shit to you.

I ain't scared of you, dawg.

You need to get your
fucking facts straight.

Mike: Oh, so now you're gonna
call my cousin a liar?

No, I said check
the facts, dawg.

Why don't you just be a man
and say it to my face?

I will say it to your face. I ain't
scared to say shit to your face.

You had a whole lot of shit to
say Tuesday night, all right?

Fuck you, Mike.
Oh, shit!

Hey, get off!

Damn, man.
Shit.

Look, I didn't say
shit, all right?

But if I did, I'm sorry.

- Fuck it.
- Right? Cool.

All right, man.

Hey, we're gonna have
a party tonight at my house.

- Yeah?
- You all are invited.

- All right. We'll see you tonight.
- Yeah.

We're gonna have some sushi and shit.
It's gonna be good.

(laughs) Holla.

They almost got
their asses kicked.

- Woman: Yeah.
- Right?

Did you know Styrofoam
is a brand name?

I didn't, no.

Yeah, it's like Kleenex.

Oh, yeah.

This is just not how
I planned for tonight to go.

No, it... it was
a really sweet gesture.

Yeah, thanks.

So...

is there a chance that
the door's still open for us?

We'll see.

Yeah.

(music playing)

Hey, where you guys been?

We just ordered shots.

Oh, yes. That's what
I'm talking about.

- Yes.
- Cheers.

Salud.

What happened to your shirt?

Oh, just a, you know,
rumble in the LBC.

- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm good, yeah.

There was one player who was
giving me the evil eye,

and I almost gave her...
gave him a beatdown,

but I didn't need to
in the end, which is good.

Just looking to get back to the
hot tub now and chill out.

- You have a hot tub?
- I got a hot tub, yeah.

- So fucking cool.
- Well, you know.

- Yo, Stuart.
- Yeah?

- Wanna do a bump?
- Sure.

No, no, no,
a bump of coke, man.

- Cocaine?
- Yeah.

Uh, I'm good for coke, thanks.

- Is that Jesse's shit?
- Yeah.

- No, it's really good shit. You should do it.
- Is it?

- Yeah.
- No, I'm cool, I'm cool.

- Come on, pussy.
- Don't be a pussy.

Come on. Just a
little bit of coke.

All right, I'll just do a gram.

- A gram?
- Yeah.

That's a fuckload of coke.

It's... yeah, in England,
a gram is a smaller,

but appropriate amount of coke.

So...

let's just do
some bloody cocaine.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Come on, pussy.
- Give me a shot.

(whispering)
Was she any trouble?

No, no. She does ask a lot
of questions, though.

- Yeah, she does.
- Yeah.

- Hey. Hey.
- Hi.

So, how did it go with Marion?

- It went great.
- Oh, good.

Yeah, she really
appreciated the gesture.

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you for the advice.

You're welcome.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay.

- Romance is not dead.
- See ya.

Man, I been thinking about
sucking your tits all day.

Hmm.

(music playing faintly)

(snorts)

- (knock on door)
- Bouncer: Come out here.

- Fuck.
- Relax.

- (pounds on door)
- Hey, did you hear me? I said get out here.

Yo, hold the fuck on, man.

I'm on an H-1B visa.

If they throw me out of
the country, I'm fucked.

I can't work again.

It'll be okay.
Just chill out.

- Well, what's our excuse?
- We don't need an excuse.

We can't just walk out
and say nothing.

Yes, we can.
Come on.

'Sup?

What were you guys
doing in there?

- Nothing.
- I was sucking his cock.

What... what he said.

Probably don't need
to mention what happened

or what was said or what you
thought was said, you know...

Yo, you won't believe
what just fucking happened.

Where are we going now?

Did you say something?

'Cause I couldn't hear because
of the dick in your mouth.

(all laugh)

That's fucking cold.

But where are we going,
though? Just...

We're going
to Ronnie's party, man.

Fuck, yeah.

You know what, lads?
I've had a lovely night.

But I think
it's bedtime for me,

so if you could just
drop me at the train station,

that'd be...
that'd be super.

No, you're coming
for a drink, bitch.

(all laugh)

Lopez, Lopez, are you
sat on my seat belt?

- I can't seem to find it.
- That's the bitch seat, man.

- No seat belt.
- Bitch go through the window!

All: Bitch go
through the window!

Bitch go through the window!

This bitch go
through the window!

- Say what?
- Bitch go through the window!

- I can't hear y'all!
- Bitch go through the window.

Oh.

What's up?

Do you ever wonder
what this is?

This is two people having fun.

Yeah, but... you know, I
was talking to my friend,

and she was like,
"Is he your boyfriend?"

and I was like,
"I don't know."

- Mm-hmm.
- Are we just fuck buddies?

'Cause honestly, I don't...
I don't know if I want that.

First of all, thank you
for bringing this up.

I hear everything you're
saying and I understand,

but I think it's dangerous
to try to define it.

We have to let this go
where it wants to go,

you know what I mean?

Kind of.

I mean, I don't want
to be your girlfriend today

or anything like that.
I just...

I'm wondering if it's something
that you might want down the road.

I hope it could be.

But you or I might be in a
different space in six months

and not want whatever
this is now then,

do you know what I mean?

I think so.

But if you're not happy
with what this is now

or what this could be then,

I totally get it
and I'll just go.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no.
Stay. You should stay.

I just thought that we should
have the conversation.

And I agree, the
conversation shouldn't end.

It should be ongoing.

- (laughing)
- Oh, shit.

Ronnie: Go on, dawg,
it's a samurai.

(laughing)

Take this shit, man.

(Pube laughs)
Shit's the bomb, right?

Hey, English.

Hello.

Hey, man, why'd
you come to LA, dawg?

Um...

had to get out of England.
Some shit went down.

Yeah?
What kind of shit?

Well, there was...

some chaps

making... making trouble
in my neighborhood

and I got in one little fight

and my mum got scared

and said, "You're moving
with your auntie and uncle

in Bel Air."

In the Bel Air area.

Yep.

Unfortunately, I've got
a presentation tomorrow,

so I'm gonna have to get back.

Can I walk to the train
station from here?

(all laugh)

You can't walk in this
fucking neighborhood, dawg.

Shit, man. Why do you think
I got this samurai sword?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, you meet
any chicks tonight?

No, he blow D-boy.

Man, fuck you, Pube.
Fuck you, too.

- Fuck him.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You suck dick?

Me, dicks?
No. No, no, no.

No, I... I actually
came down here

'cause they promised me
a slump-buster.

(laughs)

- I get that.
- Yeah.

Well, then, what the fuck
are you doing in my house?

I'm asking myself
the same question.

What, you couldn't
get any girls in the LBC?

Oh, no, I could've. I
could've, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I actually... I met
a total biatch earlier

at the club called...
they call her Easy E.

And she was... man alive, she
was a complete cockmonster.

I mean, she was gagging for it.

I've lived here all my life,

and I never heard
of a girl named Easy E.

- Really?
- What's she look like?

Uh, she's all right-looking.
Kind of tanned.

She's... I think
her real name's Erika.

She got a nose ring right here?

- Nose ring, yeah.
- Yeah.

That's my fucking
half-sister, dawg.

As I say, sweet girl.

Why don't you tell me
who calls her Easy E?

No one... no one, really.
No one in particular.

I'm gonna ask you
one more time, dawg.

Who calls her Easy E?

It was Mike, D-boy,
Lopez, and Pube.

- What a bitch!
- What the fuck, guys?

You're gonna believe
this asshole?

- Why would he lie to me, man?
- No reason.

I don't know, but you need
to check your facts, son.

You need to check your facts.

And what you standing up for?

You come down here, all of
you dicks bouncing around...

(overlapping arguing)

Ronnie:
Hey, shove it up your ass.

(dog barking)

(arguing continues)

Well, I've got to get going.

I'm sorry, I gotta
wake up at 6:00.

Okay.

(exhales)

Did you change these sheets?

Yeah, I just thought
I would freshen it up.

Yep.

Cassidy: And then we could
draw whatever we wanted to,

so I drew dinosaurs

and Mrs. Wolf said that
mine was the best one!

Aw, that is so cool.

- Is it all right if I...
- Yeah.

- Hey, how are you?
- Hi.

- Do you want to see it?
- Yeah, I definitely do.

- Will you get it for me?
- Yeah.

Cool.

- She did good today.
- Yeah? Good.

Yeah. And I think she
ate all of her lunch.

Stuffed animals. Hey, you know what?
I wanted to say, too,

I am sorry about
how that date went down.

It didn't go exactly
as I planned it.

I was thinking
maybe we could, you know,

do something
a little more proper.

Maybe I could get a babysitter.

What's wrong?

- I'm sorry.
- No.

But we should get a divorce.

Daddy, look!

And this is a brontosaurus
because it's the longest one.

- Yeah.
- And this one is another brontosaurus.

I think this one
is a pterodactyl.

Hey, lads.

Good job on the guesthouse.

Cool.

- Here's the bill.
- Yeah.

Oh, no, there's
a mistake there.

No, you quoted $2,000.
You put $5,000.

These things add up.
What can I tell you?

(engine starts)

Hello, ladies.

(both laugh)

Oh, for fuck's sake.

♪ Out on the street
I was talking to a man ♪

♪ He said, "There's so much
of this love of mine ♪

♪ That I don't understand" ♪

♪ "You shouldn't worry,"
I said, "That ain't no crime ♪

♪ 'Cause if you get it wrong ♪

♪ You'll get it right
next time" ♪

♪ Next time

♪ You need direction, yeah,
you need a name ♪

♪ When you're standing
in the crossroads ♪

♪ Every highway
looks the same ♪

♪ After a while,
you can recognize the signs ♪

♪ So if you get it wrong,
you'll get it right next time ♪

♪ Next time.