Hello Ladies (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Date - full transcript

****.

****.

Breathe here.

Inhale, cobra, pause.

( sighs )
What are you doing after this?

Moving in with my fiancé.

Are you really?
Yeah, well, wear the ring, then,

'cause you're wasting everyone's
time at the moment, love.

Stop.

Who exactly is calling me
the creepy crawler?

Oh, a lot of girls in the class.



Maybe even all of them.

Well, I'm not gonna apologize
for trying to meet someone.

Stuart, you keep hitting on
beautiful models and actresses.

I'm sorry,
but we're not gonna date you.

Hey, Stuart.
Top of the morning to ya.

Heh, well, I appreciate the effort,

um, Annie, but that's actually...
that's more of an Irish saying

and I'm actually English.

Yeah, okay.
Walk up again.

Um, can I get a strawberry
smoothie, please?

Cheerio, Stuart.

Well, closer, but you'd actually
say cheerio when you were leaving.

How long for that smoothie 'cause
I kind of have a lot to do today.

She has nothing to do today.



- Carrot juice for you.
- Please.

She's flirting outrageously with you.

You should ask her out.

No, I come here all the time.

I'm not shitting on my own doorstep.

I think you're scared because
this one might actually say yes.

I'm not scared.

- Is she flirting?
- Yes, ask her out.

A smoothie, a carrot juice.

Oh, Annie, sorry.

Could I...

ask you a question, a quick question?

Uh-huh.

Which is, um...

Stupid, stupid, that was silly.

That was... firstly,
how much are they?

And would you like to
go out sometime with me?

Yeah.
Yeah, that would be fun.

- Yeah? Oh, cool.
- Yeah, that would be fun.

Great, all right, excellent.

Have you been to
that new place, Vouloir?

I haven't but I've heard
that it is très bien.

Well, I'll tidy that up

and you put
your phone number in there.

Okay.

( whispers )
Absolute master.

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ In the all-night city

♪ Living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ And though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ He's the only one
and only one ♪

♪ He's ever gonna need

♪ Absolutely,
he's in definite need ♪

♪ Ooh, maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely ♪

♪ Maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely. ♪

( gasping )

The thing about me, Rory,
is I can read women.

But I wasn't always a player.

This is gonna surprise you,

but I used to be considered
something of a nerd.

( chuckles )
Yeah.

I didn't lose my virginity
until I was 23.

Whoa, I lost mine when I was 17.

- It's not a competition.
- Sorry.

So, you gonna...
when are you gonna call her?

Rule one... you've gotta seem
like you're too busy to call.

- Text only.
- What do you text?

Well, here's what I'm gonna send.

"Annie, when you're done
squeezing oranges..."

knowledge of job...

"could you squeeze
me in..." wordplay...

"for dinner at Vouloir..."
restaurant she mentioned...

"toodle-oo..." a little cheeky
reference to my Britishness.

- ( laughs )
- All right?

- Send that and that's job done.
- That's job done.

Now, she probably won't
reply for a couple of hours,

but you can't sweat it.
That's just the rules of the game.

- Might as well relax.
- You've just gotta relax 'cause...

( phone chimes )

Methinks we may be
dealing with an amateur.

Yeah, methinks.

Yeah, no, it is her.

"Gor, blimey governor.
That sounds fun.

How about Sunday?"

Get me a reservation,
please, at Vouloir.

One reservation at "Var."

( doorbell rings )

Oh, hello, mate.
How you doing?

Almost died this morning.

What do you mean you almost died?
What are you talking about?

I slipped in the shower.

- Look at this.
- Wow, that sounds bad.

Well, this idiot
fell inside a refrigerator.

That could've been
a lot worse, all right?

I could've... there was glass.

I could've had to pay for something.

You all right?

You know,
it freaked me out a little bit.

I was laying there.
Could've been unconscious.

I mean, when I was
living with Marion,

she would've found me eventually.

If you hadn't heard from me,

how long until you would
have came looking for me?

I don't know. It depends if
we'd made plans or something.

- A couple of hours, six hours.
- I would've been dead.

Well, you wouldn't
be dead, would you?

We need to implement a system.

From now on, I am texting
you AG every three hours.

Right, and what does AG mean?

- All good.
- All good.

Then you text me AG back
so I know you're AG.

Hey, can I get in on this?

- Absolutely.
- Appreciate it.

Jessica, you should get in on this.

- Uh, I'm AG.
- Really?

Single woman living alone, mid-30s.

Mid-30s?
No, I'm mid-20s.

Yeah, he bumped his head.
He's not a fucking moron.

Stuart?

- Yeah, emails.
- Oh.

Oh, what?
Good, hello.

- Hi.
- Oh.

Ah!
( laughs )

- How are you doing?
- Yeah, good, thank you.

- How are you?
- Good.

- Just sit here.
- Okay.

- I like your shirt.
- Thank you, thank you.

I like your head... hair.

I like your... I like
the hair on your head.

Thank you.

Welcome to Vouloir.

I'll give you a minute
to acquaint yourselves

with the menus and the wine list.

Let me know if you
have any questions.

Great.

- This menu looks fantastic.
- Yeah, definitely.

Some wine this evening?

- Oh.
- Hmm, do you want wine, or...

This Chilean Sancerre
is supposed to be fantastic.

Really?

- It's 70 bucks.
- It's how much, sorry?

- It's $70.
- $70?

Can I suggest
the New Zealand Sancerre?

It's only $10 more,
but it's twice as good.

Oh, great.
Let's do that.

- ( chuckles )
- Yep, thank you for that suggestion.

What are you thinking about
for entrees?

I do not know at the...

sorry, can you excuse me
for a second?

I just need to pop to the, um...

- Go ahead.
- Yeah, all right, okay.

- Excuse me, excuse me?
- Yes?

That wine that you just
recommended is way too expensive,

so I'm gonna need you to come
out to the table in a few minutes

and just say, "Oh, sorry,
that wine's no longer available."

- Does that make sense?
- Okay.

- Okay, great. Thank you very much indeed.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm thinking about steak.

That's, I'm sure, the only way to go.

I'm so sorry, but we are out
of the New Zealand Sancerre.

Oh, come on.
You just recommended it.

What are you doing?
If you don't have it, don't recommend it

'cause we were all excited about it.

I'm so sorry, sir.

I can bring the $70 bottle
that the lady chose originally.

Perfect.

- Have you got that one?
- Yes, we do.

- We have that one. I'll bring it.
- All right, good.

- Yep.
- Okay.

Wait, so where in England
are you from?

Do you know what I forgot to do?

- I forgot to tip the bathroom attendant.
- Oh.

- So, will you excuse me for one second?
- Yeah, okay.

Excuse me.
Um, that wine is also too expensive.

How much are you
looking to spend, sir?

I don't know.
Somewhere between, say, you know,

$18 and $15... $14.

Right.

Excuse me again.

I'm afraid we don't
have any Sancerre left.

- I'm so sorry.
- Are you kidding me?

Young man, I am this close
to walking out.

Honestly, because we'd heard nothing
but great things about this place.

- It's...
- No, I'm sorry, but it's like...

we're gonna spend
a lot of money here.

I just tipped the bathroom
attendant 20 bucks.

We don't have a bathroom attendant.

Well, there was someone
in there taking money,

so you just wanna... you might
want to investigate that.

Do you know what? Why don't we just
get a bottle of the house white,

which I'm assuming
you've got some of,

and we'll just make do with that.

You know, we should just order,
and let's see if they have food.

- Good luck with that. We shall see.
- ( laughs )

Um, I'll have the Caesar
salad as an entree.

And you'll have...

Well, it says that
that the Kobe steak

has seasonal truffles when available.

But are they in season right now?

They are...
for an additional $40.

Goody.
You've got them?

You've definitely
got that, the truffles?

We absolutely have them.

All right, I'm gonna ask you
that question again

and I want you to think really hard.

Do you have those seasonal truffles?

Yes.

Then rush 'em out because
this lady's getting hungry.

- All right?
- Sure.

- So, where are you from?
- I'm gonna be right back.

Okay.

( people chatting )

Jessica!

Hey.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hi, oh.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How are you?
- I'm really good, thank you.

I haven't seen you
in class for a while.

No, well, I've been
stuck in fucking Melbourne

on this Leonardo DiCaprio movie.

Have you?

What have you been up to?

Oh, I actually am
writing and directing

my very own Web series.

- Oh, wow. That's so great.
- Yeah, it is.

And have you gotten any paid work?

You know, can I be honest?

That the satisfaction I get
from writing is payment enough.

Hmm, 'cause I got worried for a sec.

I hadn't seen you in anything
for so long and I was like...

( gasps )
"Oh, no, did she quit?"

I just decided that I wasn't
gonna audition for anything

unless a really wonderful
script came through the door.

Yeah, well, you could show
a lot of the young actors

that you don't need
to whore yourself out for money

if you're, you know,
happy to live in an outhouse.

It's a guesthouse.

- Oh, no, what did I say?
- You said outhouse.

No.
( laughs )

- That's wrong.
- You're right, it's very wrong.

Because you don't even have a toilet.

- No, I have a toilet.
- Oh, it does.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, well, that's great.

Yeah, it's like...
it's a regular toilet.

Yes, we have mini golf in England,

but why would I play
a game called mini golf?

- I'm a giant.
- ( laughs )

It wouldn't make sense, would it?

Um, this was really nice.

Yes, I... yeah, it was good.

We should do it again sometime.

I agree.

Should I kick your ass at
mini golf next weekend maybe?

That's fighting talk,
but I accept the challenge.

All right, good night.

Sleep well.

- Cheerio.
- Cheerio.

Correct use.

Wade: We're just... we're
both in the same boat.

Marion's gone.
You're in that big house all alone.

If you happen to have a fall,

Roger's not there to find you,

may he rest in peace.

Let me get this.

You know, think about AG.

Let me know if you
want to get on board.

Hey, Doug.

Doug, you still divorced?

"Hey, Stuart, thanks for a fun date.

Hope you're practicing
for mini golf."

Oh, yes!

Well, what are you gonna text back?

"Already practicing my strokes"...

sexualizing.

"Where and when?" Logistics.

That's... that's why
you're the master.

And the master
is saving that in drafts.

You wondering why?

I was gonna ask you,
but I didn't know

if it was appropriate
for me to ask you.

The reason I'm saving it in drafts

is I'm not sending that
until lunchtime.

Oh, that's how they do it.

You gotta make 'em sweat.

- Make her think.
- Make her think, "Is it..."

- "Is it on?"
- "Is he... is it on?"

- "Is he interested?"
- "Is... interested."

- You know what I mean?
- ... I mean?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Send her in.

- Hey, babe. This is an unexpected treat.
- Hi.

We're gonna have to
make this quick, though,

- 'cause I have a meeting at 2:30, okay?
- No.

Why did Amelia Gordon just get back

from shooting a movie
with Leonardo DiCaprio

and I haven't worked in eight months?

I don't know.

This is a tricky phase for you.

Look, speaking as your friend,
I think you're super sexy.

I have a boner as we speak.

I want to bend you
over this desk right now.

- Thanks.
- But as your agent,

I don't know what to put you up for.

You're not a young ingénue,

you're not a character actress.

You know what I think
you'd be great as?

A host of one of those shows
where people renovate their house.

No, I want an audition

or you're gonna lose me
as a friend and as a client.

Well, I don't want to
lose this friendship.

Lisa, what do we have at the moment

for actresses, age range 30 to 40?

30 to 40?
I can play mid-20s.

Mid-20s?
Upwards?

How about a tampon commercial?

No, I am a serious actress.

I want a movie, okay?
I'm not a fucking whore.

If it goes national,
it could be 50 grand.

I'll read the script
and see if I can find an angle.

- What time do you make it?
- It's 5:45.

- And what time did I text Annie?
- 1:00.

Well, why hasn't she written back?

You know, I'm glad
it's bothering you, too,

'cause I feel like I'm, like,

pulling my hair out over here.

- Yeah.
- Chicks, man.

They're one of life's
greatest mysteries.

Them and plants.

I'll just send her another message.

The master. That's how you
play the game right there, man.

You know it.

Well, how many times
did you text her?

Like, once.

All right.

And then just a, you know,
quick follow-up one

just to check that she got the first.

Whoa, stalker.

- No.
- See, that's where you blew it.

Didn't blow it 'cause
I sent her a third one saying,

"Ignore the second.
I'm sure you got the first."

Three texts.
What, are you a fucking amateur?

- No, I'm not an amateur.
- Jesus.

Why, what should he have written?

Always the same thing.
Text one, "Spread your legs and say ah."

- Text two, dick pic.
- Ugh.

- Anything?
- Nothing.

- What? Is she serious?
- Honestly, I don't know what's going on.

Maybe I'm not getting my texts.

Do messages ever just
get lost in the system?

You know, is she trying to
text and I'm not getting them?

- Okay, just let me see your phone.
- Mm-hmm.

What do you think the problem is?

I mean, maybe
she's just not into you,

- or maybe she doesn't...
- I mean, what's the problem with the phone?

Get the manager.

( phone chimes )

Ah!

Fuck.

"That's why I use
new discreet Tampax Radiant

featuring their best ever
leak guard protection."

- Jessica?
- Mm-hmm.

Miss Jessica?
Sorry to interrupt, ma'am.

It's just, um, he's emailing her

and I think maybe it could
use a female's perspective.

Subject line, "How dare you?"

Change that to,
"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Okay, now write this...

"Dear Miss Palmer,

what kind of a sociopath
invites a man to play mini golf

when they have no fucking
intention of doing so?"

( scoffs )
You can't send that.

Oh, I can and I will.

What are the rules?
What are the bloody rules?

Somebody makes a plan with you,
they should stick to it.

You know what the rules are.

She's not texting you
because she's playing it cool.

Oh, you know what?
I'm sick of these little people

with their little fucking text games.

- All right, send it.
- Mm-mm.

- Send it.
- I won't let you do that to yourself.

- All right, I'll send it myself.
- No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

- No...
- Stop it.

( phone chimes )

Oh, it's her.

What does it say?

"Sorry for late reply.

Some personal stuff came up.

Mini golf Friday?"

Hey-oh.

Hey-oh.
Yeah!

That's my guy, Stuart.
Back up in it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Back up in the game.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- What are you gonna write back?

That's what I'm talking about.
What are you gonna tell her?

Um, write this.
Write, "Didn't even notice.

Been swamped myself.

Friday, cool.
Lol."

When are you gonna send that?

Probably send it around midnight

so she thinks I've just
come in from a hot date.

Oh.

You've learned nothing, have you?

No, 'cause, hey,
you can't teach the master.

You can't teach the master.

He is.

Please, may I... may I have...

may I have your attention?

- Good night.
- 'Night, Dave.

You got any plans for this weekend?

- Barbecue with the in-laws.
- Oh. And you know what?

You should probably keep
a fire extinguisher handy.

Nothing tasty about a trip
to the emergency room.

'Cause they don't make tents
for people of my size.

- I imagine.
- And, uh... so, I'm in this tent...

and I hear this noise
in the middle of the night.

And I'm wondering, what is it?

- Is it, uh... is it a bear?
- Mm-hmm.

And then I'm thinking,
what's the rule?

Like, if it's a brown bear,
you curl up in a ball.

And if you... is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, totally.

- Let me run to the bathroom.
- Sure.

I'll be right back.

( phone chimes )

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you here for
the Martin Scorsese movie

or the tampon commercial?

I'm here for the tampon commercial.

Oh, okay.
Just go ahead and sign in.

There's a Scorsese project today?

Yeah.

Well, I'd be willing
to read for that, too,

as I'm here.

I'm sure the scripts are similar.

Plenty of blood in both.

- ( phone vibrates )
- Okay.

Hi, I can't talk.
I'm at an audition.

I'm on this date with Annie

and she's texting
some guy called Alex

all the way through it.

Do you think she's
seeing someone else?

She's probably just, I don't know,

talking to a friend or something.

I'm sure it's nothing
to be worried about.

Just have fun.
Don't be paranoid.

Okay, thank you.

Good luck pretending
to be on your period.

- Thank you.
- All right, bye.

- Hi.
- Receptionist: Hi.

- I'm Amelia Gordon.
- Sign in.

Thank you.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.

You look so healthy.
Have you been lifting weights?

No.

Are you here for Scorsese
or are you here for tampons?

( laughing )

Jessica, they're ready for you.

- Right now?
- Mm-hmm.

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Ooh, are you keeping them waiting?

Nope.
Here I go.

By Mario or...

I am so sorry.

Oh, excuse me.
I'm just...

May I help you?

Hi, yes, I'm Jessica Vanderhoff.

I'm here for the commercial audition.

I just got really turned around here.

It's like a labyrinth.
It's confusing.

Should I just come in through...
I mean, I'm here, right?

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Oh, thank you.
- You are welcome.

Oh.

Hi, hello.

Hi, it's Wade Bailey from upstairs.

I forgot my access card.

Hel... hello?

- ( groans )
- ( knocks )

Help!

Isn't the last scene in "Braveheart"

a mini golf tournament?

I think you might be right.

- Look at that. Oh, come on!
- Oh!

- Oh.
- Look at that. Am I right?

- Very good.
- Hole in one.

Excuse me.

... which helps keeps my period
from becoming a question

I don't want to have to answer.

Thank you.
We'll let you know.

Okay.

Well, back out the window I go.

I'd rather you use the door.

Okay.

Didn't you go in the door
for the movie?

Yep.

And you're coming out
of the tampon door.

- Yeah.
- I'm so confused.

Why are you coming out of that door?

Oh, you know, I know them,

so I just popped in
to say hi afterwards.

Excuse me, you forgot these.

Lucy, we're ready for you now.

I am on my period.

Big box.

Well, it is horrific down there.

Break a leg.

Oh, thank you.

( sighs )

And I thought I knew
what being hungover was,

but I did not know
what being hungover was.

And I, like, was craving greasy food.

- Then I...
- Sorry, I've not missed your turn, have I?

Oh, actually, could you
do me a huge favor

and drop me off at my friend's place?

- Yeah, yeah. Of course.
- Thank you.

- This the one?
- Yeah.

( ratchets brake )

This was fun.

See you later.

- See ya.
- All right.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Annie: He seems really
open to the idea.

Again, I don't know how I feel about it,
but it's not my decision.

But I think it helps, definitely,
that you're so supportive.

- Totally.
- ( phone ringing )

- Annie: Stuart?
- Hiya.

- What are you doing?
- Could I just get this?

- Hello?
- Hey, it's Rory.

I haven't had an AG
from Wade in hours.

I'm freaking out over here.

Now's not a great time,
mate, to be honest.

I'm just in the middle of something.

Let me give you a call back.

Rory: Okay, yeah, that's no problem.

Sorry about that.
What were you saying?

Were you spying on me?

Can I be honest?

I've been a bit suspicious

'cause all night you were
texting someone called Alex.

You looked at my phone?

Yeah, I did look...
a little bit, yeah.

- Yeah, no, uh...
- Let me explain. Let me explain.

That's okay.
I don't need it.

Please, Annie.
Give me 10 seconds to... Annie, please.

- I don't really...
- Please just let me explain quickly.

10 seconds to explain, please.

( groans )

What?

- I thought we had, like, a fun date...
- Mm-hmm.

and then you didn't
reply to my messages

and then it was...

I'm not a psychopath,
but I started getting paranoid

that maybe you were
seeing someone else,

so I, you know... that's why
I looked at your phone, and...

but come back with one more date...

come on one more date
with me, and I swear...

I'll prove to you that
I'm not crazy and that...

and we'll have fun
and just... we'll dance

or whatever you want to do.

Salsa or whatever.

Just one more date.

Okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna bring her
in case you are a psychopath.

Sure, that seems fair.

( panting )

I'll give you a call, yeah?

- Sure.
- Good to meet you, Alex.

- Joanne.
- Pardon?

My name's Joanne.

Ah, I knew it.
So, who's Alex?

- Who's Alex?
- My brother.

Oh, your brother, really?
You're texting your brother, are you,

all the way through a fucking date?
That's not weird.

My brother was just
diagnosed with leukemia.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Honestly, you know, modern medicine.

They can work wonders.

You know what we should do?

Take him out mini golfing,
cheer him up.

- Fuck off.
- Yeah.

Cheerio.

( laughs )

Victor, Victor!

Thank you.

Oh, I'm so thirsty.

♪ Moving though the crowd
and the midnight heat ♪

♪ The traffic crawls,
the sirens scream ♪

♪ You look at the faces,
it's just like a dream ♪

♪ Nobody knows
where you're going ♪

♪ Nobody cares
where you've been ♪

♪ 'Cause you belong to the city ♪

♪ You belong to the night ♪