Hello Ladies (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Limo - full transcript

Wade hires a stretch limousine in an effort to win back his estranged wife Marion. Stuart seizes the opportunity to travel around LA in limo style, with Wade and Kives in tow, and picks up ...

What a lovely party, Mother.

I guess my invitation
got lost in the mail.

You shouldn't be out of bed, dear.

Dr. Goldstein here said
you need your rest.

But I want to join the party.

Or do I embarrass you

in front of all your
fancy society friends?

( stammers )
Why would you embarrass me?

Because of this?

Because of my little accident.

( laughs )



Oh, cut!

Come on, that was my best take.

You can't keep laughing.

- Sorry, but it's funny.
- No, it's not funny.

One out of 12 teenage girls
tries to kill themselves.

Is that funny to you?

No, but you playing
a teenage girl is.

Let's go again.

Oh, can we make this the last take?

Marion's gonna be home soon.

Okay, quick as we can, everyone.

Wade's ex-wife will be home soon.

We're not divorced.
We're just separated.

And not for long. Guess what this
Casanova's got planned later?



He's taking her out
in a bloody limousine.

Am I right? I wish I was his ex-wife.

- We're just separated.
- Yeah.

- I hope it goes well, okay.
- It will.

Let's pick this up, okay?
Are you still rolling?

( woman clears throat )

Action.

Because of my little accident?

( laughs )
Sorry, sorry.

You should think about
making this into a comedy.

We're starting over.
Get back. Go.

♪ Just a little boy lost
looking for a lamb ♪

♪ In the all-night city

♪ Living in
his lonely limousine ♪

♪ And though
he never has to worry ♪

♪ He's the only one
and only one ♪

♪ He's ever gonna need

♪ Absolutely,
he's in definite need ♪

♪ Ooh, maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely ♪

♪ Maybe we've been
alone too long ♪

♪ You don't want to be lonely. ♪

Hello.

Hello, Marion.

You look... you look well.

Thank you.
Can I talk to you for a second?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

- Wade, are you coming with us, or...
- Yeah, just a second.

Yeah, okay.

I don't want to come off
like I'm being difficult,

but you said you'd be gone by 3:00.

I mean, you gave us permission
to be here, so I thought...

The whole point of being separated
is that we give each other space.

Yeah, I know.

I just... I don't understand,
like, what the problem is.

The problem is that I don't
know who I am except your wife.

Why is that a problem?

I don't... I'm not my own person.

- Okay, that's it for me...
- Ooh, I... we should...

- 'cause we have got to... haven't we?
- yeah, we're running late.

- Mm-hmm.
- We've gotta hit the streets.

We've gotta beat the bloody traffic,

- so, we're out of your hair.
- Yeah, okay.

- Good to see ya. Good to see ya.
- Yeah.

Okay, I don't want
to talk about this.

Oh, I know you don't,
and that's one of the problems,

but I have to talk about
how I feel or I'll go crazy.

Just... what do you feel?
What do you wanna say?

Wade, sometimes I wonder
what it would be like...

if we'd never met.

Marion, sorry.
Your car's blocking me in.

Any chance I could move it?

Uh, yeah, fine.

Did you know I bought a sex toy?

Keys.
Forgot the keys.

- Yes, they're...
- Have them. I'm off.

We can fix it.

- No, we just... we need a fresh start.
- ( car alarm blaring )

- ( sighs )
- That is all we need, okay?

- And I was gonna... listen.
- No, it's...

I was gonna surprise you
tonight, all right,

but I'm picking you up for dinner...

Sorry, um, which one is it
to switch off the alarm?

It's the middle one.

- You have to press it twice.
- You gotta press it twice.

Middle one.
Gotta press it twice.

( car alarm chirps )

I was gonna surprise you tonight.

I'm picking you up,
we're going to dinner,

and I rented a stretch limousine.

- It's all planned out.
- No, I'm not going on a date with you, Wade.

I've been thinking, and I don't think

we should see each other for a month.

Me again.

We cannot figure out where
the emergency brake is on the car.

Is it one of those sort of that's,
you know, or is it the kind of...

Oh, pop out yourself.
Makes sense.

How did that go?

She doesn't want to see
or talk to me for a month.

( sighing )

Does that mean
that limousine's going to waste?

It's supposed to be here by now.

Probably dropping off some big shot.

Well, you know what the company's
called... Superstar Limos.

- Wade: Really?
- Yeah.

I think that's the one
that the Hollywood pros use.

I've never seen people
so excited about a limo before.

Who doesn't get excited
about a limousine?

It's the glamour, isn't it?
The sophistication.

Who's behind the darkened windows?

Is it George Clooney?
Is it Jennifer Lopez?

Is it someone going to a funeral?
You don't know.

Don't disrespect the limo.

Hey, what's with
the French film bollocks?

I never said you could change my art.

I said you could have
a few friends over.

Well, I wanted to create
a sort of ambiance.

- Yeah?
- I wanted to host more of a salon.

- A salon?
- Yes.

A place where my friends and I

can talk about art...

- Right.
- and culture, philosophy, or politics.

So you and the other struggling
actresses are gonna be sat around

discussing Wittgenstein
and North Korea?

- Yes, that might come up.
- ( jazz music playing )

- That could come up?
- Yeah.

Okay, wow.

Oh, and the sound track for
tonight will be jazz, I noticed.

- Oh, I love jazz.
- You love jazz?

- Yes.
- Name three key jazz musicians.

( scoffs )

- Miles Davis.
- Number one, yeah.

Lance Armstrong.

The trumpet player, Lance Armstrong?

- Yes.
- Okay, and number three?

The Loneliest Monk.

The Loneliest Monk?

- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?

'Cause I've heard of the guy called
Thelonious Monk. You're not thinking of him?

- Yeah, yeah. That's what I said.
- That's what you said.

- Yeah, he's great.
- Sure, sure, sure, sure.

He's great.

You clearly are a jazz aficionado.

- My apologies.
- I am.

- It's here! The limo's here!
- Is the limo here?

- Come and see it.
- Limo's here!

- ( door opens )
- I've seen a long car before.

- Yeah.
- Look at that.

Oh.
( laughs )

- Dang, look at that.
- Look at this.

That's a nice ride right there.

- Cool, isn't it?
- It is cool. Look at that.

I know.

- How you feeling?
- Feeling great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, why?

Just after that thing with Marion,

I just thought you might be a bit,
you know...

- so, ruining it.
- Hey, don't worry about me.

Yeah, we're spending 30 days apart.

Life's gotta be lived.

Ooh, that's a nice
little ride right there.

Look at that.
Dang.

What's, like, the most amount of
people you could have in here?

Well, the max is 12.

What about the least?

Just me.

You got a nickname for the limo?

Nope.

I'd probably call it
My Best Black Buddy.

Oh.

I've never told anyone this before,

but I've actually got a fantasy

of one day driving back
to my hometown in a limo

with my beautiful wife, who's a model

with a PhD in
philosophy... smart lady...

and we drive in and everyone
I ever went to school with

and all the girls that wouldn't
ever go on dates with me,

they come out, they see the limo,
they're like, "Who's that?"

"It's Stuart Pritchard! Why did
we let him slip through our fingers?"

- You know what I mean?
- Oh.

And I'll tell you who else will
be there... Mike Moffat, all right?

And he'll be eating
his fucking words,

let me tell you that for nothing.

Who is Mike Moffat?

Hey, why'd you invite him?

So, yeah, I got
my extensions out last week

- and this is all my real hair.
- Oh, hello, ladies.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Woman #3: Hi.

Sorry, you must think
I'm a terrible show-off.

You've caught me
admiring my limousine.

( laughs )
I need the legroom.

No, I'm... I don't normally drive
'round in a limo.

I, um... I actually
drive a vintage BMW.

From 1994.

Hey, I'm Kives.
Pleasure.

Yeah, um, ladies, can I just
ask you a very quick question?

Hey, guys. I don't know what
you've got planned tonight,

but we're just gonna be
hitting some clubs,

just maxing, relaxing in the limo,
so you're welcome to join if you...

Thank you, but we already
have a fun night in store.

- Woman: Okay. Yay, wine.
- All right.

- Jessica: Okay, let's go.
- ( engine starts )

Stuart: Ladies!

♪ Get your motor running

( both )
♪ Head out on the highway

♪ Looking for adventure

♪ In whatever comes our way ♪

♪ Born to be wild

♪ Born to be wild.

It's gonna take too long.
It's gonna take too long.

- It's gonna take too long.
- Are you... you're going down?

Stuart: Just come down.

Wade:
Ow, you gotta move your leg.

Wade, there's snacks in here, mate.

No, there's not.

- Are the snacks free?
- Chauffeur: Uh, no, sir.

- What about the booze?
- Nope.

- What about the water?
- Yeah, water's fine.

- Did you hear that?
- I'll have one of those later...

if I get thirsty.

- ( window whirrs )
- Look at that.

Bloody hell.

Now that is the sort of lady
that's at home in a limousine.

Am I right?

Where do women like that hang out?

Oh, I don't know, Soho House,
Ambassador Room, my dick.

Don't cheapen this...

although the Ambassador Room's
not a bad idea.

Driver, to the Ambassador Room.

Actually, I don't think you're gonna
get in there without a reservation.

( scoffs )
This is a reservation right here.

What's the ZIP code down there?

- 310, baby.
- That's an area code.

Still works.

Did you guys know that
Gwyneth Paltrow's doctor

banned her from eating eggs,
shellfish, deepwater fish,

wheat, meat, and coffee
for three weeks?

It worked 'cause she looks amazing.

Have you guys tried
any of her gluten-free recipes?

You know, I haven't, but I want to.

- I want to.
- Yeah, I want to, too.

What do people think
about North Korea?

Well, I'm definitely not an expert,

but I just feel like we should
nuke them before they nuke us.

You guys, it's Saturday night.

- Can we not talk about this? It's depressing.
- Yeah.

Well, I just thought
that it might be kinda cool

to talk about something
a little bit different tonight,

like art or culture,

or politics, philosophy.

Why?

Don't you guys feel like
we're in a bit of a rut?

- Yeah.
- We go out, we party,

see the same people,
talk about the same stuff.

Aren't you guys bored of that?

Do you ever wonder, like,
what are we doing here?

To be in TV and movies.

No, I don't mean, like, in L.A.

I mean, like, in the whole...

Hey, can you change the music?

It's kinda weird.

Oh, you don't like jazz?

It's Saturday night.
Maybe something with words?

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, I can... sure.
- Yeah.

Paparazzo: Over here, please.
Big smile.

Thank you so much.

Right here, right here.

Oh, look at the bloody paparazzi.

Scum, aren't they?

All right, wait here, gentlemen.

Woman:
Oh, I'm dying to see him.

Hey.
( kisses )

Woman #2:
I can't believe he said that to her.

Hiya, I just want to
pop in for a quick drink.

Um, just wondering, where should
I have my driver park my limo?

What is the name on
the reservation, please?

Um, I'm actually coming in
tonight without a reservation.

I can't let you in
without a reservation.

- All right.
- ( horns honking )

I'm not sure you're following.
I just pulled up in a limousine.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- I gotta move the car.
- Hang on a minute.

Are you going in?

- Yeah.
- No.

- They're not going in?
- No.

Why are you talking to her?
Ask me if you got a question.

( horns continue honking )

- Sorry, what was your name?
- Jane.

Jane, I'm gonna need to speak
to your manager, I'm afraid.

He is gonna tell you
the exact same thing.

- All right, we shall see.
- Okay.

Richard to the front
entrance, please.

Richard to the front.

Look, I gotta move here.
I can't stay here.

Just hang on.

You have to move.
He's blocking everything.

What's he blocking, your view
of Kim Kardashian's vagina?

I'm just gonna drive
around the block.

No, don't go round the block 'cause
I need the manager to see the... just...

What?

Pull in here.
Come in this alleyway. Just pull in there.

- ( door closes )
- Good evening.

- Hello, you the manager?
- I am.

Hi, yeah, I was just talking to...

- Jane.
- Jane...

and she seems to think I can't
pop in for a quick drink.

Really? Do you have a reservation?

Nope, he just walked up.

I didn't just walk up.

I was actually just
chauffeured up in that.

- In a town car?
- No, that's a limousine, you...

Does anyone in your limousine
have a reservation?

Right, um...

didn't want to have to mention this,

but maybe I'm quite
well-known in the UK.

Want me to Google him?

There's no Googling.
There's no need to Google.

You're famous in England?

Ahem. Eh.

Sure, well,
we have a number of British employees.

If I were to bring one down,
they would know who you are?

Eh.

Neville, please report...

Let's just keep Neville out of it,
all right?

Do you know what?
I'm not gonna jump through your hoops.

I'd like you to notify your owner

that you just turned away
Stuart Pritchard.

- Sorry, Stuart...
- Pritchard.

- I'm Googling him.
- Why are you getting involved?

It's nothing to do with you.

Just remember that face

'cause you'll be
apologizing to it later.

Nothing on Google.

It's nothing to do with you, is it?

Pathetic.

You're pathetic, if anyone is.

Just drive the car, please.

Yeah, I can't see the street.
You're gonna have to guide me out.

You're a professional driver.
Just reverse.

I can't go into the traffic
'cause I can't see anything.

Get out of the way.
Out of the way.

Sir, I told you you can't come in.

I'm not coming back in, am I?

I'm moving the limousine.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

- ( horns honking )
- Hang on a minute.

Just hang on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

( horns continue honking )

What's the point of honking?

I've got a limousine.
There's no point honking.

Why you taking pictures?
Who you gonna sell them to?

It's for my private collection.

You can honk all you like.
There's a limousine here.

It was a limo.

Remember this face, mate, all right?
Remember it.

- Open the door!
- Oh, my God.

( honking continues )

It's definitely about hormones,

and they change every seven
years in a seven-year cycle,

so I used to have to wash
my hair every three days.

Now I have to wash it every day.

Wow. They say you're only
supposed to do it every other day.

Hey, who wants to watch a film?

Oh, my God, you know what I watched
the other night and it's still great?

- What?
- "10 Things I Hate About You."

- Oh, Heath Ledger. You guys.
- I know.

Well, actually, I had a film in mind.

"Battleship Potemkin."

Hmm?

Oh, is that the one with Rihanna?

Oh, no.
You're thinking of "Battleship."

Uh, this is "Battleship Potemkin."

Apparently, it is "one of
the most important films of all time."

Who's in it?

Uh...

Mikhail Gomorov,

Vladimir Uralsky,

and, oh... Aleksanteri Ahola-Valo.

♪ 'Cause we clubbin'
and we buzzin' ♪

♪ Yes, we gonna get it here
till the nightfall ♪

♪ There's nothing else...

Hello, ladies.
Where the party at?

Up your ass.

Just... don't talk like that
in front of ladies.

What, you want to fucking stop me?

No.

( laughs )

This is so much fun.

We should rent a limo every week.

Hey, ladies.
Where you heading?

We don't know.
We're from St. Louis.

We're here to party.

- ( all cheer )
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is the best party
in L.A. right in here.

Just three dudes having fun.
Nothing weird.

We're not getting in there.

Oh, come on.
We've got free booze!

Well, no, the booze is not free.

They're actually
charging us for the booze,

but you can still have some.

All right, stop, stop, stop.

Listen, I guarantee you one
of you was just complaining

about having to walk
in those heels, right?

This water's free, though.

Okay, wait, wait. How do we know
you're not just gonna attack us?

- Yeah.
- Please, definitely not.

We're harmless.
We are not going to attack you.

We're nice guys.
I'm disabled...

- Yeah.
- and this guy's got no upper body strength.

None whatsoever.
I'm pathetic.

I don't know.
Come on.

Listen, you're on vacation.

Have an adventure.

Come on, don't make me beg.

( pants )

( laughing )

- Hold on.
- We are disabled.

If you've got any CDs,
there's a CD player in here as well.

Okay, one drink.

- Whoo!
- Oh, all right.

Come on in.

♪ It's going down 'cause
we clubbin' and we buzzin' ♪

♪ Yes, we gonna get it here
till the nightfall ♪

♪ If nothing else, lose
yourself, get outta control ♪

♪ A lotta cruisin'
with music and alcohol... ♪

( violin music playing )

I think I'm gonna get some more wine.

Yeah, I need a refill, too.

( wine pours )

( women laughing )

Hey, should I...
should I pause the movie?

We were talking, and, um...

it's Saturday night,
and we were thinking

maybe we should just go out.

Okay, yeah.
I know the movie was kind of heavy.

- No, it was amazing.
- I really like the movie.

I definitely want to rent it again.

I just didn't like it tonight.

Woman #3:
Russia looks beautiful.

Oh.
( chuckles )

So, what do you guys
want to do instead?

- Bottoms up? Hey!
- Whoa!

- Ah!
- Oh.

You guys.

Hey, let's get a photograph
of this happy moment.

- Woman: Oh, just us?
- Stuart: Yeah, yeah.

- Oh!
- ( shutter clicks )

Oh, I didn't...
that one didn't come out,

so we better do that one again.

No, uh, no.
Get another couple of these.

Yeah, you're... she's
wise to my little plan.

- The party has begun.
- Oh, yeah, more.

Is it true what they say
about men with big feet?

Yes, it is.
It is.

We have great trouble
finding shoes that fit.

- That's not what I meant.
- I know exactly what you meant, madam.

Let me try one on.

You are trying to get me undressed,
methinks.

Yes, well, you found out my secret.

- ( phone rings )
- ( laughs )

Hang on a minute.
Sorry, excuse me.

Keep it quick.
What do you want?

The salon is over.

We had a very stimulating time,

but we were wondering

if we could come
join you in the limo.

What, you or your friends?

Both.

But definitely your friends.

Yes.

Tell the girls I'm on my way.

It's nice, but I'm afraid it could
get stuck on there and then drop it.

- Good news.
- ( all cheer )

Ladies, your chariot awaits.

Ooh.

Thank you so much.
You're so cool.

You're so cool.
Get in there, you.

Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

( sighs )

( all cheering )

How much fun is this?

How much fun are we having, huh?

Cheers.
Cheers.

- Cheers, cheers.
- Cheers.

You may have noticed,

I've actually got
a hot tub at my place.

We could always pop back
later and tub it up.

- Wade, am I wrong?
- Wade: No, he's right.

- Yeah, see?
- He's right. How much fun are we having tonight?

So, is this, like,
a typical Saturday night in Hollywood?

You know, renting a limo?

Or is this a special occasion?

Well, I... actually I hired
this for me and my wife,

but, um... but, yeah,
she couldn't make it, so...

- Oh.
- Yeah.

She lets you party without her, huh?

- Your wife rocks.
- Yeah. Yeah, she does.

Kives:
I'm gonna make another toast.

- Hollywood nights!
- Whoo, yeah!

Wade:
You know, I, um...

I'm... actually, I think I'm gonna
go sit up front for a little bit.

I'm... I'm feeling carsick.

- Oh.
- Yeah, could you pull over just for a second?

- Thanks so much.
- Really?

Oh, you can go.

Oh, could you put the divider up?

Oh, sure.

( sighs )

( sobbing )

Well, that was weird.

( laughs )

That's never happened before.

Mm.

( groans )
Boy, traffic.

I know.

Everybody's out tonight.

- Sure seems like it, right?
- It does.

Oh, yes, it's...

Have you... you been to London?

- No.
- Never been?

It's great.
I've been twice.

- Yeah, it is.
- The closest I got

was I spent a summer in Ireland
doing this horror movie.

Oh, wow, really?
Where in Ireland?

Dublin.

- Whereabouts in Dublin?
- Blackrock.

- Blackrock, really? What street?
- Leeson Street.

- Leeson Street?
- Yeah, do you know it?

No, I've never been to Dublin.

But I've always wanted to go.

- I've been to Ireland.
- Good for you.

Isn't it weird that you spent
all that time in Ireland

and I'm from England
and they're sort of neighbors?

It's quite a weird coincidence.

My grandmother was born in London.

How's that for a coincidence?

Um...

So, tell me more
about this horror movie.

Um, Maxine's at the Prada
party at Ambassador Room.

- We should go.
- Amazing.

I love the Ambassador Room.
I was there earlier.

( whispers ) I just don't think
that we can get everyone in.

Listen, why don't
the four of us go in

and we'll leave the limo with
the tourists and the disabled guy?

Sure.
Yeah, that's cool.

Um, okay.

- Hey, there she is.
- It's tight in here.

It is tight, it is tight,
it is tight.

- Bye.
- Bye, guys.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Should we come in?

Uh, no, um, unfortunately,
it's guest list only,

but, uh... enjoy the rest of your trip.
Nice to meet you.

Bye, cheers.

- I'll hold down the fort. Buh-bye.
- ( scoffs )

Oh, you look so cute.
Come on in.

- You look skinny.
- Jane: You guys look adorable.

Oh, this schmuck again.

Sir, I told you,
you can't come in without a reservation.

Uh, no, I don't have a reservation,

but I'm actually with these ladies
and they do have a reservation.

- Ladies, I'm with you, right?
- Yeah, he's with us.

All right?

Who's the schmuck now?

Hey, why are you
ditching the teachers?

- 'Cause I really like Nikki.
- Yeah.

I know I say this a lot,
but I've been talking to her

and I think she's got a real
kind of emotional intelligence,

and I felt like we connected
on quite a sort of...

I don't know, quite a profound level.
You know what I mean?

You know she has a boyfriend, right?

- What about Ashley?
- She has a fiancé.

- Lisa?
- She wants you to stop staring at her chest.

Well, then, she should
wear a bra that fits.

Why didn't you give me
this intel before?

I had a sure thing in the limo.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Out of the way!

Oh, I love this fucking idiot.

Wait! Wait, Kives, stop!

Listen.

Hello.
( panting )

I was at this other party,
and I thought,

"What am I doing here?
This is where the party's at."

So I'm back.

What were you talking about? The
time that you guys kissed in college?

- Woman: Oh, no, no.
- Kives: Do you wanna kiss now?

- No!
- We're gonna need some more champagne.

So, how long were you in London for?

- Fuck off.
- Yep.

( chatter )

Hey, Wade. You sure
you don't want to join us?

No, no, I'm beat.

All right. Good night, buddy.
I'll call you tomorrow.

Be safe, all right?

- After party!
- ( laughing )

Woman:
St. Louis!

St. Louis!

( chatter )

Why do they have to have the party here?
It's always so crowded.

Yeah, they should've had it
at Bootsy Bellows.

( gasps )
Oh, have you been to Pour Vous?

It's the same guys that do Bootsy's.

No, no, no.
You're thinking of Shore Club.

Pour Vous is the same
guys as Harvard & Stone.

I haven't been to Harvard & Stone.
Should I go?

Yeah, it's good on Wednesdays.

Maybe I'll check it out.

Yeah, you know, actually,
it's pretty good.

You might like it, you might not.

Hey, you guys.
I think I'm gonna go.

- Oh, why?
- Wait, no.

Yeah, I'm tired.

All right, well, see you later, mate.

I can't go 30 days
without talking to Marion.

It's gonna be hard.

Well, you made it through
today, no problem, didn't ya?

Actually, I had to go up
front and cry for a while.

- Did you? Oh.
- Yeah.

Well, thanks for doing it up front
and not in front of the women.

Well, yeah, I... you know,
I thought it might ruin the mood.

- Definitely would've.
- Yeah.

I appreciate that, thanks.

But, uh, listen.
You know, if you need to talk,

- I'm here for ya.
- Thank you.

Unless there's women around,
in which case, obviously...

- Of course.
- keep quiet.

No, I wouldn't.
I wouldn't.

- Okay. Come here.
- Okay. Oh! There he goes.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Come here.
- Oh.

- Thank you.
- Give him one as well.

- All right. See ya.
- I'll see ya.

All right.

Home, Jeeves.

♪ I heard you caught
a falling star ♪

♪ Down on Sunset Boulevard ♪

♪ What a souvenir

♪ It only sparkled
for the night ♪

♪ And when you held it
in the light ♪

♪ The glitter disappeared

♪ Look who's lonely now

♪ Welcome to the other side ♪

( phone chimes )

♪ Look who's lonely now

♪ You know my arms
are open wide ♪

♪ There's a lot of fun uptown ♪

♪ That sophisticated crowd

♪ Took you for a ride

♪ When they finally
let you down ♪

♪ There was no one else around ♪

♪ Who could sympathize