Have I Got News for You (1990–…): Season 62, Episode 2 - Episode #62.2 - full transcript
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong.
In the news this week:
At daybreak in Marbella, after
a night of passion with a local
waitress, one guilty husband races
to get him before his wife wakes up.
LAUGHTER
As his tenure as justice Secretary
gets under way, there by safety
concerns over Dominic Raab's
alternative to the ankle tag.
The first is a warner,
and then it'll give you a shot.
HE SCREAMS
LAUGHTER
And after his sacking
for incompetence last month,
Gavin Williamson is spotted doing
some casual labour in the Caribbean.
LAUGHTER
CHAINSAW
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
who has done five front line
tours entertaining the troops
in Afghanistan. Though I'm guessing
he's cancelled this year's
Kabul Christmas special.
Please welcome Geoff Norcott.
Thank you very much. Thank you,
thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a
journafist
who has presented the News at Six,
News at Ten, Weekend News, World
News and World News Today.
Seems busy. Hope she's had time to
keep up with the news.
Please welcome Mishal Husain.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, we begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
Paul and Mishal. Yes. Have a look at
this. Oh.
Northern Ireland protocol. The
sausages should start flowing again,
because the EU has made an offer
that should end the sausage wars.
It should also help
things like the supply of medicines,
but we all know that sausages are
far more important. Yes. Obviously.
Who's not happy with
the Northern Ireland protocol?.
You don't look happy. No.
Is it Billy Bremner?
Former Leeds United captain?
Not on this occasion. Lord Frost.
Lord Frost is right to be unhappy
because this Northern Ireland
protocol was negotiated by some
idiot called Lord Frost.
LAUGHTER
And he's now got to sort it out,
so thank goodness he's there,
because otherwise we'd have this
hopeless deal
that was negotiated... by him.
LAUGHTER
But sausages are the main thing.
Yes. Cumberland sausages.
Why particularly sausages?
Because they're chilled meats.
They're chilled meats.
The EU has very strict rules on
health and safety
and animal welfare. They're
constantly stopping and checking
chilled meat imports.
Mince, sausages,
all of that, as they arrive.
Because, according to Reuters:
LAUGHTER
But that was illegal in Northern
Ireland until quite recently.
What has been the consequence
of this renewed sausage vigilance?
Checks on the border which, again,
was something that was
always thought to be a problem
at the time,
but the government told us not to
worry about,
but it turns out they are a problem.
Who knew?
Do you know what a sausage has to
be in order to be a sausage?
Yeah. It has to come from a pig.
They have to contain 32% meat or,
if it is a pork sausage, 42% meat.
Different rules. If it's down my
local caff, 14% meat.
Shall we play...
Yeah, I don't even know what it is,
but I want to play it.
...a fun game of Not In My Sausage?
Not in my sausage.
Not in my sausage.
I will give you a list of items
which may or may not
count as meat in a British sausage.
You have to tell me
which items are not allowed. OK. OK.
Sausages on buzzers. Yeah.
Allowed or not allowed. Teeth?
BUZZER
Paul? Allowed.
Allowed, yes. Teeth.
Because otherwise you wouldn't be
able to eat them. Feet.
BELL
Yes, Ian. Yes,
definitely allowed.
Not allowed, no.
Not allowed, don't be ridiculous!
The sausages would run away!
And start biting people
individually.
APPLAUSE
No good.
Eyeball. Yes, Geoff.
I hope so.
Yes. They're allowed.
Eyeballs are allowed. Lungs.
BUZZER
Mishal.
I think almost certainly allowed.
Not allowed.
Rectum.
Beg your pardon.
BUZZER
Rectum.
That's a town in North Wales.
Allowed or not allowed? Not allowed.
Not allowed, no. Quite right.
Rectum, not allowed. Not allowed, of
course it's not.
What do you think about intestines?
What do I think about intestines?
I think they're overrated.
What do you mean,
"What do I think about intestines?"
Is this a new game show
you're trying to plug?
Trying hard, yep. Skinless?
Curiously, intestines are not
allowed in the sausage.
The worst thing about this is none
of this information
has put me off sausages.
No. I'm still thinking
I'd still really like a sausage.
Where is Christmas currently stuck?
Fe lixstowe . Fe lixstowe .
Absolutely right. Yes, it is full.
There are not enough drivers to take
the containers away.
There they all are. And who won't
helping out with the HGV?
Billy Bremner. He won't.
Keir Starmer,
who had gathered driving an HGV not
very successfully.
That's right, his HGV PR stunt he
took part in this week
went slightly wrong.
Here is
Keir Starmer reversing a lorry.
I think he's an all right bloke.
I think he's a decent bloke,
but he's just... He seems like
the first bloke that your mum dates
after she gets divorced,
do you know what I mean?
You're at a family do, you are
all in the room going, "You know
"what, he makes her happy,
he treats her well.
"Yes, is a bit of a melt
but, you know..."
"Let's just stick by him
while she rebuilds her self—esteem."
What did Keir Starmer let
slip this week?
We learned something about him.
The dogs of war.
Special K.
So, he was at a cereal factory
and they said, "Your name's Keir."
And he went, "Yes, special
Keir..."
And he fumbled the joke completely
while
simultaneously comparing himself
to no—one's favourite cereal.
He basically admitted that his
nickname is Special K.
And it has been pointed out
subsequently that special K
is a nickname for ketamine. Yeah.
A tranquilliser which puts
horses to sleep.
And Keir Starmer works on humans,
too.
In other news, what else will we be
short of
according to the scaremongers?
Toys. Absolutely right. Yes. What is
wrong with pants? What, no pants?
No, cotton prices are at a ten-year
high thanks to a shortage
because of bad weather which wiped
out the American cotton crops.
So pants, uh-uh.
Yes, but that won't affect the pants
that we already have.
No, that's true. I mean.
We're not going to live in a world
without pants.
So I should have said "new pants."
Yes, you should have said new pants,
but you didn't, did you?
I didn't, no.
Finally, they asked a local
expert on the news what to do
if there aren't any
turkiss... turkeys.
Turkiss? That as well!
What's that? A cross between a
turkey and a circus?
I'd go. I wouldn't.
Here's our local expert, here he is.
If there are no turkeys you can
always get a big chicken.
There you are. This is the latest
row with the EU supply shortages.
With the government failing to get
a grip on shortages, the Grocer
Magazine reported one in three
shoppers have already started
to stock up on Christmas food.
In fact, the nation's fridges are
so full there isn't even
one for Boris to hide in.
Meanwhile, at an HGV testing centre,
Ken Starmer reversed a truck
and crashed it into a
brightly-coloured bollard.
To be fair, he thought he'd spotted
Angela Rayner in the rear-view
mirror.
Also this week,
President Macron is leading
a push for French to replace
English as the dominant language
of the European Union,
with one official stating:
What is the French for, "Oh, fuck
off?"
Ian and Geoff, take a look at this.
That's the Select Committee report
and that's Jeremy Hunt.
He used to be Health Secretary,
now he criticises the
Government's health policy.
Here are the experts.
Professor Van-Tam. Professor Whitty.
He could have left the door
open for him, couldn't he?
There's
another expert on health issues.
Getting injected with
charisma there.
Well,
the Select Committee was asked to
look into the handling of Covid,
and the response was that it was
Probably."
"| don't know... not very good."
And they actually said that it was
the worst public health
crisis in British history.
That's right.
So the government's Covid
response is up there with
the Black Death.
I'm not exaggerating,
I'm trying to be balanced.
So what did the report find?
It concluded:
No.
I mean, Gavin Williamson would
call that an A—star performance.
The report was severely critical
of the £38 billion Test and Trace
system, calling it...
Dido Harding was unavailable
for comment. I say unavailable.
No-one could track her down.
The report did say as well
that we should have challenged
"the science" before.
Well, that's right.
Because I thought
"the science" was this one thing
that everyone agreed with. Turns out
there are lots of sciences
and they don't always agree but
I would say that the British public,
we challenge the science a lot.
I mean, in my family WhatsApp group,
everyone was a virologist,
you know what I mean? Yeah.
We all know who Stephen Barclay is,
don't we? Steve Barclay, here he is.
He looks like Alan Pardew.
I was going to say,
are you sure that's not Alan Pardew?
Near enough, near enough.
He's replaced Michael Gove
as the Chancellor of
the Duchy of Lancaster.
Are you sure that's not Alan Pardew?
That is Alan Pardew!
It's a bit like Steve Barclay!
Oh, right. It will do.
Is that the joke?
Well, it was, yes. ls there
a joke in this? Yeah, it was a joke.
Oh. Was it? Yeah, it was a joke.
You baffled me, I'll tell you that.
It's a joke...
Who was that? Alan Pardew,
he used to be manager of...
Was it Crystal Palace?
Cheltenham. Cheltenham.
Well, that makes it clear.
There was a really disgruntled bloke
over there that went, "West Ham."
They always leave out the Hammers,
don't they?
Steve Barclay was grilled about
the report, refused to apologise,
in fact more than ten times
he refused to apologise for
the government mistakes that
led, as he was reminded,
to the loss of thousands of lives.
What else did Barclay admit
to not doing?
Not resembling
Alan Pardew in any way.
APPLAUSE
He admitted to Sky News
that he had actually...
He was still only halfway through
the new Sally Rooney.
Oh, who would like to see
Jeremy Hunt with the hair of
German football legend
Franz Beckenbauer? Yes.
Personally I would
find that distasteful.
Yeah, go on, then.
Go on, let's have it.
That's Art Garfunkel!
It is like Art Garfunkel!
What's going on? Doesn't anybody
look like they used to?
I tell you who does...
Why have you shown us that?
Someone did it on Twitter for
no apparent reason. It just looks...
It suits him. All of this
has obviously been going on.
What has Boris been up to this week?
On holiday. On holiday.
Been on holiday.
Doing a bit of painting.
Yes, that's right,
he's flown to Marbella.
There we are. Look at that.
Doesn't look like it's going
very well, does it?
We've even got a special exclusive
glimpse of what he's working on.
APPLAUSE
In other news, why did Dominic Raab
lose his rag this week?
Was the misogyny thing this week?
No, that was last week.
That was last week.
No, that was last week.
A minister told the Guardian
that whilst at the conference,
two people addressed him
as Deputy Prime Minister and...
I'll bet the two people were
Priti Patel and Michael Gove.
Who, unbelievably, got
a new job this week?
Matt Hancock.
Absolutely right, yes,
described by Tom Tugendhat as a...
After being given the job by the UN,
helping African countries
after Covid, Matt Hancock said...
Hasn't got a great record
with long-term partners.
Finally, would
you like to see Matt Hancock with
the hair of Graeme Souness? Yes.
This is the Commons report
into the government's
handling of the pandemic.
Boris Johnson has been criticised
for going on holiday this week.
The Spanish police said...
You have to get up pretty early
in the afternoon to
get one over on the Spanish police.
In a first step towards
resurrecting his career,
Matt Hancock has been appointed UN
Special Representative for Economic
and Social Recovery inAfrica.
If there's one thing we do know
about Matt Hancock at work,
he will be very hands-on.
And so to round two. Round two!
Yes, the one-armed bandit of news.
Hurray!
CHEERING
So, fingers and buzzers, team.
Here is...
BUZZING
Thank you very much.
Mishal, was that you? No, it was me.
You said fingers on buzzers
so I did it.
Fair enough, fingers on buzzers...
BUZZING
Fingers above buzzers,
just above buzzers.
Here's your first one.
BUZZING
Yes, Paul and Mishal?
William Shatner has gone into space
or technically space, I think,
because he was going above
the Earth's atmosphere.
At the age of 90, he has gone up
for ten minutes
and he's the oldest man,
oldest person to ever do this
and he's very happy and he was quite
emotional when he came down.
Absolutely right, yes.
Who did Shatner overtake to become
the oldest person in space? Yoda.
He overtook 82-year-old Wally Funk,
who made the same trip back in July.
Is this the new policy for
social care, which is just
firing 90—year—olds
into outer space?
Here is how the Australians covered
one of the test launches.
MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra
by Strauss
There are rockets everywhere
this morning.
While outdoing his fellow
billionaires in the race to
space, Amazon boss Jeff Bezos
will blast into orbit next month.
Do you know what they call that?
A rocket. They call it Blue Origin.
Does it look a little odd to you?
Or is it just me?
GIGGLING: Joining us now for more...
Grow up! ..is US correspondent
Alison Petrowski. Ali...
Bezos' flight will officially
kick off the company's...
...space tourism business. Yes!
They're very professional,
aren't they? Yes.
My problem with William Shatner now
is that he's ruined it for all of us
because he's literally raised
the bar for what you do after
appearing on this programme,
into the stratosphere. Yes.
He did one other thing first,
though, which was
get us a writ for libel.
He said llfracombe was riddled
with prostitution, which it isn't.
So he was never invited back. You've
actually got to look quite hard.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
What did Jeff Bezos
make Shatner do after he landed?
Make an Amazon delivery?
It's rather sweet,
he made him cry. Oh, yes.
He made him cry. Why?
He was overwhelmed.
Did he increase his hours
and cut down his pay?
No, I think he was just
really overwhelmed.
Here is Shatner post-flight.
It's just...
There is Mother Earth and comfort
and there is...
ls there death?
I don't know, is that death?
Is that the way death is?
WHOOP — and it's gone!
This is why actors don't
write their own scripts.
APPLAUSE
Well, this is the news that
William Shatner has boldly gone
up beyond the Karman Line
that marks the edge of space.
Exhilarated by his flight
into space, Shatner said...
I find you can get
much the same effect by
taunting Chelsea fans in a pub.
Astronauts are fitted with nappies
so they can go to the toilet
while they work.
An idea Jeff Bezos is keen to roll
out across his Amazon warehouses.
Fingers just above your buzzers.
Here's your next one.
BELL RINGS
People have been recreating very
famous pictures inside a microchip.
Yeah, this is the news that
micro artist David A Lindon has
created works of art small enough
to fit into the eye of a needle,
that have sold for £15,000 each.
His pieces are recreations
of famous artworks,
including Van Gogh's Sunflowers,
there we are... Wow.
And look at that context there.
How does he manage to do that?
Is he tiny himself?
It takes him...
Is he two inches tall?
It takes him months to complete...
What complicates the process
for David...
Because it's small!
He's got a five—inch brush.
He says being alive is the problem.
David wrote on his website...
Blimey. And because of
the intricacy of the paintings,
David can only work at night,
as during the day
the vibration of passing cars
interferes with his strokes.
Finishing the art is fantastic,
he added...
Not much of
a gallery experience, is it?
In another design feat,
what is unique about this house?
Oh, I bet it revolves!
I can see a sort of motor there.
Does it revolve around?
Exactly right. Spins?
It's a rotating house.
It was built by Bosnian Vojin Kusic
and it rotates 360 degrees,
giving an uninterrupted view
of the landscape.
It can complete
a rotation in 22 seconds.
Why did Vojin build
a rotating house, do you think?
He was drunk.
No, it was after
numerous renovations,
he said he'd had enough of his wife
changing her mind about
the layout of the house, adding...
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week
and your four are...
Andrew Neil,
London Marathon winner Sisay Lemma,
the Kunsten Museum
of Modern Art in Denmark,
and Mr Goxx the hamster.
BUZZING
I don't know.
BELL RINGS
I think Andrew Neil was...
For a long time there was a show
called The Andrew Neil Show
but he wasn't on it.
Yes. He was in France.
I reckon there is...
Kunsten means art and I reckon
maybe there isn't any art in there.
That hamster is a fraud...
He's not investing
your money safely.
I think he is probably quite
reckless and promising maybe
7, 8%, which I think
at the moment is unrealistic.
So I would be in favour of
arresting the hamster. OK.
I'm going to tell you.
They have all lost money
apart from the hamster, Mr Goxx,
who's been making money
hand over fist.
He's already made 20% since June.
He's done what?
Doing investments based on
what he selects with his wheel.
I told you he was making over 8%
and that is...
He basically invests...
Mr Goxx is an investment mechanism.
We can see him at work.
Here we go, we have his wheel.
He goes round his wheel.
This selects which currency, which
of the cryptocurrencies he's going
to invest in. Oh, look, there's
buy and sell, and some cucumber.
There, he's in sell.
God, this is how
Jacob Rees-Mogg works.
And he started in June
and he has already set up
his original investment,
then, he's made 20% on that since.
Here's his performance against
some of his human rivals.
Look at that.
Andrew Neil lost money, he turned
down an offer from Rupert Murdoch
to be a presenter on
his new TV News UK channel. Yes.
How did Andrew describe
his time at GB News?
Don't know, you couldn't
hear it or see it.
He told the Daily Mail it was...
Mishal,
were you ever worried about GB News?
Did you ever think
this could be dangerous?
Um...
Um, I always thought it was a risky
thing for them to be doing.
Your colleagues who went
to join GB News,
did you think, "that's ill—advised"?
Brave decision. Brave decision.
In a further embarrassment to
the channel, newsreaders were
often pranked into reading out
fake viewer names, such as...
...which led to Simon McCoy getting
a little bit peeved. Here he is.
I'm just going to say something
because if you've seen
the papers, if you've seen Twitter,
some people think it's really
funny to send in texts and messages
on the basis that
if we read them out, we've been...
...we've been had. You're still
doing it and I'm watching them
and it doesn't help anybody.
We're just not going to
read surnames from now on.
Well... To the person
who's just messaged...
Grow up, you know?
We're a new company,
we're a new broadcaster,
there are systems that
we're putting in place
that would stop idiots like you
getting through.
They're getting through
at the moment but please, you know,
we've got other things
to worry about. Come on.
Mind you, if you can hear us,
that's an improvement.
GEOFF: Looks like they're outside
one of those airport restaurants.
Yes, it does.
So the runner, Sisay Lemma... Yes.
Do we know how he lost money?
IAN: He won the London Marathon.
He did, yes.
And then he stopped to
talk to the crowd or wave
or say hello. He waved to the
ground. So he didn't get his record.
Oh. I know. Terribly nice of him.
He waved to the crowd,
meaning he missed out on a bonus
if he had finished in
under two hours four minutes.
He missed it by two seconds,
which is what... I didn't know that.
Yes, the Kunsten Museum of
Modern Art in Aalborg in Denmark,
that lost money recently
because they lent artist
Jens Haaning £65,000
to create an artwork for them
that was intended to be displayed
as piles of cash in frames
to represent the average national
salary in Denmark and Austria,
but Haaning instead sent them this.
Haaning called the piece...
APPLAUSE
He told the press...
Bad news for Jens Haaning is
the gallery has now commissioned
a new work called Artist With
Broken Legs by Frankie the Knuckles.
Time now for the Missing Words
round, and we start with...
MISHAL: I can only think
he hated the film of Cats.
PAUL: Oh, the Cats film.
But what would he have bought?
IAN: He bought himself a dog.
That's absolutely true.
He hated the Cats movie so much,
he bought himself a dog.
APPLAUSE
Andrew Lloyd Webber has revealed
that the movie version of
his musical Cats
caused him so much distress,
he bought himself a therapy dog.
The new puppy is very affectionate
but still can't quite bring himself
to lick Andrew Lloyd Webber's face.
Next...
Is it Van Gogh painting?
No.
World's largest version
of a composer, in fact.
It's Beethoven's head.
Here is the head.
That's Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The sculpture of Beethoven
did not impress
Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries,
who complained it looked
nothing like the dog in the film.
Next...
GEOFF: Husband left 29 years ago?
PAUL: It's a wedding video,
you know somebody's taped over it,
haven't they? You know, they've
taped The Bailiffs Are Coming.
"George says it's not his Labrador
"and he's got the receipt
to prove it!"
That's exactly...
I'm going to give you that. What do
you mean, it's exactly right?
Her husband had taped over it
with a police show.
Here is the special moment,
with a bit of wedding beforehand.
So the final scores are...
Ian and Geoff have four but
Paul and Mishal have ten.
What? Really? Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just time for
the caption competition.
Auditions held for new team
captains on Have I Got News For You.
That's how we got the job
in the first place.
I don't know what the crime was but
it's a hell of an identity parade.
And I leave you with news that
after his brief flight into space,
William Shatner returns to Earth
with only minor side-effects.
To mark Angela Merkel's
stepping down after 16 years
as German Chancellor, the Christian
Democrats throw a wild party.
And there is an awkward moment
at Chester Zoo
as one of the animals notices
that a visitor has sat
on a Werther's Original.
Goodnight.
strong language and adult humour
Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
I'm Alexander Armstrong.
In the news this week:
At daybreak in Marbella, after
a night of passion with a local
waitress, one guilty husband races
to get him before his wife wakes up.
LAUGHTER
As his tenure as justice Secretary
gets under way, there by safety
concerns over Dominic Raab's
alternative to the ankle tag.
The first is a warner,
and then it'll give you a shot.
HE SCREAMS
LAUGHTER
And after his sacking
for incompetence last month,
Gavin Williamson is spotted doing
some casual labour in the Caribbean.
LAUGHTER
CHAINSAW
LAUGHTER
On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
who has done five front line
tours entertaining the troops
in Afghanistan. Though I'm guessing
he's cancelled this year's
Kabul Christmas special.
Please welcome Geoff Norcott.
Thank you very much. Thank you,
thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On Paul's team tonight is a
journafist
who has presented the News at Six,
News at Ten, Weekend News, World
News and World News Today.
Seems busy. Hope she's had time to
keep up with the news.
Please welcome Mishal Husain.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, we begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.
Paul and Mishal. Yes. Have a look at
this. Oh.
Northern Ireland protocol. The
sausages should start flowing again,
because the EU has made an offer
that should end the sausage wars.
It should also help
things like the supply of medicines,
but we all know that sausages are
far more important. Yes. Obviously.
Who's not happy with
the Northern Ireland protocol?.
You don't look happy. No.
Is it Billy Bremner?
Former Leeds United captain?
Not on this occasion. Lord Frost.
Lord Frost is right to be unhappy
because this Northern Ireland
protocol was negotiated by some
idiot called Lord Frost.
LAUGHTER
And he's now got to sort it out,
so thank goodness he's there,
because otherwise we'd have this
hopeless deal
that was negotiated... by him.
LAUGHTER
But sausages are the main thing.
Yes. Cumberland sausages.
Why particularly sausages?
Because they're chilled meats.
They're chilled meats.
The EU has very strict rules on
health and safety
and animal welfare. They're
constantly stopping and checking
chilled meat imports.
Mince, sausages,
all of that, as they arrive.
Because, according to Reuters:
LAUGHTER
But that was illegal in Northern
Ireland until quite recently.
What has been the consequence
of this renewed sausage vigilance?
Checks on the border which, again,
was something that was
always thought to be a problem
at the time,
but the government told us not to
worry about,
but it turns out they are a problem.
Who knew?
Do you know what a sausage has to
be in order to be a sausage?
Yeah. It has to come from a pig.
They have to contain 32% meat or,
if it is a pork sausage, 42% meat.
Different rules. If it's down my
local caff, 14% meat.
Shall we play...
Yeah, I don't even know what it is,
but I want to play it.
...a fun game of Not In My Sausage?
Not in my sausage.
Not in my sausage.
I will give you a list of items
which may or may not
count as meat in a British sausage.
You have to tell me
which items are not allowed. OK. OK.
Sausages on buzzers. Yeah.
Allowed or not allowed. Teeth?
BUZZER
Paul? Allowed.
Allowed, yes. Teeth.
Because otherwise you wouldn't be
able to eat them. Feet.
BELL
Yes, Ian. Yes,
definitely allowed.
Not allowed, no.
Not allowed, don't be ridiculous!
The sausages would run away!
And start biting people
individually.
APPLAUSE
No good.
Eyeball. Yes, Geoff.
I hope so.
Yes. They're allowed.
Eyeballs are allowed. Lungs.
BUZZER
Mishal.
I think almost certainly allowed.
Not allowed.
Rectum.
Beg your pardon.
BUZZER
Rectum.
That's a town in North Wales.
Allowed or not allowed? Not allowed.
Not allowed, no. Quite right.
Rectum, not allowed. Not allowed, of
course it's not.
What do you think about intestines?
What do I think about intestines?
I think they're overrated.
What do you mean,
"What do I think about intestines?"
Is this a new game show
you're trying to plug?
Trying hard, yep. Skinless?
Curiously, intestines are not
allowed in the sausage.
The worst thing about this is none
of this information
has put me off sausages.
No. I'm still thinking
I'd still really like a sausage.
Where is Christmas currently stuck?
Fe lixstowe . Fe lixstowe .
Absolutely right. Yes, it is full.
There are not enough drivers to take
the containers away.
There they all are. And who won't
helping out with the HGV?
Billy Bremner. He won't.
Keir Starmer,
who had gathered driving an HGV not
very successfully.
That's right, his HGV PR stunt he
took part in this week
went slightly wrong.
Here is
Keir Starmer reversing a lorry.
I think he's an all right bloke.
I think he's a decent bloke,
but he's just... He seems like
the first bloke that your mum dates
after she gets divorced,
do you know what I mean?
You're at a family do, you are
all in the room going, "You know
"what, he makes her happy,
he treats her well.
"Yes, is a bit of a melt
but, you know..."
"Let's just stick by him
while she rebuilds her self—esteem."
What did Keir Starmer let
slip this week?
We learned something about him.
The dogs of war.
Special K.
So, he was at a cereal factory
and they said, "Your name's Keir."
And he went, "Yes, special
Keir..."
And he fumbled the joke completely
while
simultaneously comparing himself
to no—one's favourite cereal.
He basically admitted that his
nickname is Special K.
And it has been pointed out
subsequently that special K
is a nickname for ketamine. Yeah.
A tranquilliser which puts
horses to sleep.
And Keir Starmer works on humans,
too.
In other news, what else will we be
short of
according to the scaremongers?
Toys. Absolutely right. Yes. What is
wrong with pants? What, no pants?
No, cotton prices are at a ten-year
high thanks to a shortage
because of bad weather which wiped
out the American cotton crops.
So pants, uh-uh.
Yes, but that won't affect the pants
that we already have.
No, that's true. I mean.
We're not going to live in a world
without pants.
So I should have said "new pants."
Yes, you should have said new pants,
but you didn't, did you?
I didn't, no.
Finally, they asked a local
expert on the news what to do
if there aren't any
turkiss... turkeys.
Turkiss? That as well!
What's that? A cross between a
turkey and a circus?
I'd go. I wouldn't.
Here's our local expert, here he is.
If there are no turkeys you can
always get a big chicken.
There you are. This is the latest
row with the EU supply shortages.
With the government failing to get
a grip on shortages, the Grocer
Magazine reported one in three
shoppers have already started
to stock up on Christmas food.
In fact, the nation's fridges are
so full there isn't even
one for Boris to hide in.
Meanwhile, at an HGV testing centre,
Ken Starmer reversed a truck
and crashed it into a
brightly-coloured bollard.
To be fair, he thought he'd spotted
Angela Rayner in the rear-view
mirror.
Also this week,
President Macron is leading
a push for French to replace
English as the dominant language
of the European Union,
with one official stating:
What is the French for, "Oh, fuck
off?"
Ian and Geoff, take a look at this.
That's the Select Committee report
and that's Jeremy Hunt.
He used to be Health Secretary,
now he criticises the
Government's health policy.
Here are the experts.
Professor Van-Tam. Professor Whitty.
He could have left the door
open for him, couldn't he?
There's
another expert on health issues.
Getting injected with
charisma there.
Well,
the Select Committee was asked to
look into the handling of Covid,
and the response was that it was
Probably."
"| don't know... not very good."
And they actually said that it was
the worst public health
crisis in British history.
That's right.
So the government's Covid
response is up there with
the Black Death.
I'm not exaggerating,
I'm trying to be balanced.
So what did the report find?
It concluded:
No.
I mean, Gavin Williamson would
call that an A—star performance.
The report was severely critical
of the £38 billion Test and Trace
system, calling it...
Dido Harding was unavailable
for comment. I say unavailable.
No-one could track her down.
The report did say as well
that we should have challenged
"the science" before.
Well, that's right.
Because I thought
"the science" was this one thing
that everyone agreed with. Turns out
there are lots of sciences
and they don't always agree but
I would say that the British public,
we challenge the science a lot.
I mean, in my family WhatsApp group,
everyone was a virologist,
you know what I mean? Yeah.
We all know who Stephen Barclay is,
don't we? Steve Barclay, here he is.
He looks like Alan Pardew.
I was going to say,
are you sure that's not Alan Pardew?
Near enough, near enough.
He's replaced Michael Gove
as the Chancellor of
the Duchy of Lancaster.
Are you sure that's not Alan Pardew?
That is Alan Pardew!
It's a bit like Steve Barclay!
Oh, right. It will do.
Is that the joke?
Well, it was, yes. ls there
a joke in this? Yeah, it was a joke.
Oh. Was it? Yeah, it was a joke.
You baffled me, I'll tell you that.
It's a joke...
Who was that? Alan Pardew,
he used to be manager of...
Was it Crystal Palace?
Cheltenham. Cheltenham.
Well, that makes it clear.
There was a really disgruntled bloke
over there that went, "West Ham."
They always leave out the Hammers,
don't they?
Steve Barclay was grilled about
the report, refused to apologise,
in fact more than ten times
he refused to apologise for
the government mistakes that
led, as he was reminded,
to the loss of thousands of lives.
What else did Barclay admit
to not doing?
Not resembling
Alan Pardew in any way.
APPLAUSE
He admitted to Sky News
that he had actually...
He was still only halfway through
the new Sally Rooney.
Oh, who would like to see
Jeremy Hunt with the hair of
German football legend
Franz Beckenbauer? Yes.
Personally I would
find that distasteful.
Yeah, go on, then.
Go on, let's have it.
That's Art Garfunkel!
It is like Art Garfunkel!
What's going on? Doesn't anybody
look like they used to?
I tell you who does...
Why have you shown us that?
Someone did it on Twitter for
no apparent reason. It just looks...
It suits him. All of this
has obviously been going on.
What has Boris been up to this week?
On holiday. On holiday.
Been on holiday.
Doing a bit of painting.
Yes, that's right,
he's flown to Marbella.
There we are. Look at that.
Doesn't look like it's going
very well, does it?
We've even got a special exclusive
glimpse of what he's working on.
APPLAUSE
In other news, why did Dominic Raab
lose his rag this week?
Was the misogyny thing this week?
No, that was last week.
That was last week.
No, that was last week.
A minister told the Guardian
that whilst at the conference,
two people addressed him
as Deputy Prime Minister and...
I'll bet the two people were
Priti Patel and Michael Gove.
Who, unbelievably, got
a new job this week?
Matt Hancock.
Absolutely right, yes,
described by Tom Tugendhat as a...
After being given the job by the UN,
helping African countries
after Covid, Matt Hancock said...
Hasn't got a great record
with long-term partners.
Finally, would
you like to see Matt Hancock with
the hair of Graeme Souness? Yes.
This is the Commons report
into the government's
handling of the pandemic.
Boris Johnson has been criticised
for going on holiday this week.
The Spanish police said...
You have to get up pretty early
in the afternoon to
get one over on the Spanish police.
In a first step towards
resurrecting his career,
Matt Hancock has been appointed UN
Special Representative for Economic
and Social Recovery inAfrica.
If there's one thing we do know
about Matt Hancock at work,
he will be very hands-on.
And so to round two. Round two!
Yes, the one-armed bandit of news.
Hurray!
CHEERING
So, fingers and buzzers, team.
Here is...
BUZZING
Thank you very much.
Mishal, was that you? No, it was me.
You said fingers on buzzers
so I did it.
Fair enough, fingers on buzzers...
BUZZING
Fingers above buzzers,
just above buzzers.
Here's your first one.
BUZZING
Yes, Paul and Mishal?
William Shatner has gone into space
or technically space, I think,
because he was going above
the Earth's atmosphere.
At the age of 90, he has gone up
for ten minutes
and he's the oldest man,
oldest person to ever do this
and he's very happy and he was quite
emotional when he came down.
Absolutely right, yes.
Who did Shatner overtake to become
the oldest person in space? Yoda.
He overtook 82-year-old Wally Funk,
who made the same trip back in July.
Is this the new policy for
social care, which is just
firing 90—year—olds
into outer space?
Here is how the Australians covered
one of the test launches.
MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra
by Strauss
There are rockets everywhere
this morning.
While outdoing his fellow
billionaires in the race to
space, Amazon boss Jeff Bezos
will blast into orbit next month.
Do you know what they call that?
A rocket. They call it Blue Origin.
Does it look a little odd to you?
Or is it just me?
GIGGLING: Joining us now for more...
Grow up! ..is US correspondent
Alison Petrowski. Ali...
Bezos' flight will officially
kick off the company's...
...space tourism business. Yes!
They're very professional,
aren't they? Yes.
My problem with William Shatner now
is that he's ruined it for all of us
because he's literally raised
the bar for what you do after
appearing on this programme,
into the stratosphere. Yes.
He did one other thing first,
though, which was
get us a writ for libel.
He said llfracombe was riddled
with prostitution, which it isn't.
So he was never invited back. You've
actually got to look quite hard.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
What did Jeff Bezos
make Shatner do after he landed?
Make an Amazon delivery?
It's rather sweet,
he made him cry. Oh, yes.
He made him cry. Why?
He was overwhelmed.
Did he increase his hours
and cut down his pay?
No, I think he was just
really overwhelmed.
Here is Shatner post-flight.
It's just...
There is Mother Earth and comfort
and there is...
ls there death?
I don't know, is that death?
Is that the way death is?
WHOOP — and it's gone!
This is why actors don't
write their own scripts.
APPLAUSE
Well, this is the news that
William Shatner has boldly gone
up beyond the Karman Line
that marks the edge of space.
Exhilarated by his flight
into space, Shatner said...
I find you can get
much the same effect by
taunting Chelsea fans in a pub.
Astronauts are fitted with nappies
so they can go to the toilet
while they work.
An idea Jeff Bezos is keen to roll
out across his Amazon warehouses.
Fingers just above your buzzers.
Here's your next one.
BELL RINGS
People have been recreating very
famous pictures inside a microchip.
Yeah, this is the news that
micro artist David A Lindon has
created works of art small enough
to fit into the eye of a needle,
that have sold for £15,000 each.
His pieces are recreations
of famous artworks,
including Van Gogh's Sunflowers,
there we are... Wow.
And look at that context there.
How does he manage to do that?
Is he tiny himself?
It takes him...
Is he two inches tall?
It takes him months to complete...
What complicates the process
for David...
Because it's small!
He's got a five—inch brush.
He says being alive is the problem.
David wrote on his website...
Blimey. And because of
the intricacy of the paintings,
David can only work at night,
as during the day
the vibration of passing cars
interferes with his strokes.
Finishing the art is fantastic,
he added...
Not much of
a gallery experience, is it?
In another design feat,
what is unique about this house?
Oh, I bet it revolves!
I can see a sort of motor there.
Does it revolve around?
Exactly right. Spins?
It's a rotating house.
It was built by Bosnian Vojin Kusic
and it rotates 360 degrees,
giving an uninterrupted view
of the landscape.
It can complete
a rotation in 22 seconds.
Why did Vojin build
a rotating house, do you think?
He was drunk.
No, it was after
numerous renovations,
he said he'd had enough of his wife
changing her mind about
the layout of the house, adding...
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
Just one between you this week
and your four are...
Andrew Neil,
London Marathon winner Sisay Lemma,
the Kunsten Museum
of Modern Art in Denmark,
and Mr Goxx the hamster.
BUZZING
I don't know.
BELL RINGS
I think Andrew Neil was...
For a long time there was a show
called The Andrew Neil Show
but he wasn't on it.
Yes. He was in France.
I reckon there is...
Kunsten means art and I reckon
maybe there isn't any art in there.
That hamster is a fraud...
He's not investing
your money safely.
I think he is probably quite
reckless and promising maybe
7, 8%, which I think
at the moment is unrealistic.
So I would be in favour of
arresting the hamster. OK.
I'm going to tell you.
They have all lost money
apart from the hamster, Mr Goxx,
who's been making money
hand over fist.
He's already made 20% since June.
He's done what?
Doing investments based on
what he selects with his wheel.
I told you he was making over 8%
and that is...
He basically invests...
Mr Goxx is an investment mechanism.
We can see him at work.
Here we go, we have his wheel.
He goes round his wheel.
This selects which currency, which
of the cryptocurrencies he's going
to invest in. Oh, look, there's
buy and sell, and some cucumber.
There, he's in sell.
God, this is how
Jacob Rees-Mogg works.
And he started in June
and he has already set up
his original investment,
then, he's made 20% on that since.
Here's his performance against
some of his human rivals.
Look at that.
Andrew Neil lost money, he turned
down an offer from Rupert Murdoch
to be a presenter on
his new TV News UK channel. Yes.
How did Andrew describe
his time at GB News?
Don't know, you couldn't
hear it or see it.
He told the Daily Mail it was...
Mishal,
were you ever worried about GB News?
Did you ever think
this could be dangerous?
Um...
Um, I always thought it was a risky
thing for them to be doing.
Your colleagues who went
to join GB News,
did you think, "that's ill—advised"?
Brave decision. Brave decision.
In a further embarrassment to
the channel, newsreaders were
often pranked into reading out
fake viewer names, such as...
...which led to Simon McCoy getting
a little bit peeved. Here he is.
I'm just going to say something
because if you've seen
the papers, if you've seen Twitter,
some people think it's really
funny to send in texts and messages
on the basis that
if we read them out, we've been...
...we've been had. You're still
doing it and I'm watching them
and it doesn't help anybody.
We're just not going to
read surnames from now on.
Well... To the person
who's just messaged...
Grow up, you know?
We're a new company,
we're a new broadcaster,
there are systems that
we're putting in place
that would stop idiots like you
getting through.
They're getting through
at the moment but please, you know,
we've got other things
to worry about. Come on.
Mind you, if you can hear us,
that's an improvement.
GEOFF: Looks like they're outside
one of those airport restaurants.
Yes, it does.
So the runner, Sisay Lemma... Yes.
Do we know how he lost money?
IAN: He won the London Marathon.
He did, yes.
And then he stopped to
talk to the crowd or wave
or say hello. He waved to the
ground. So he didn't get his record.
Oh. I know. Terribly nice of him.
He waved to the crowd,
meaning he missed out on a bonus
if he had finished in
under two hours four minutes.
He missed it by two seconds,
which is what... I didn't know that.
Yes, the Kunsten Museum of
Modern Art in Aalborg in Denmark,
that lost money recently
because they lent artist
Jens Haaning £65,000
to create an artwork for them
that was intended to be displayed
as piles of cash in frames
to represent the average national
salary in Denmark and Austria,
but Haaning instead sent them this.
Haaning called the piece...
APPLAUSE
He told the press...
Bad news for Jens Haaning is
the gallery has now commissioned
a new work called Artist With
Broken Legs by Frankie the Knuckles.
Time now for the Missing Words
round, and we start with...
MISHAL: I can only think
he hated the film of Cats.
PAUL: Oh, the Cats film.
But what would he have bought?
IAN: He bought himself a dog.
That's absolutely true.
He hated the Cats movie so much,
he bought himself a dog.
APPLAUSE
Andrew Lloyd Webber has revealed
that the movie version of
his musical Cats
caused him so much distress,
he bought himself a therapy dog.
The new puppy is very affectionate
but still can't quite bring himself
to lick Andrew Lloyd Webber's face.
Next...
Is it Van Gogh painting?
No.
World's largest version
of a composer, in fact.
It's Beethoven's head.
Here is the head.
That's Andrew Lloyd Webber.
The sculpture of Beethoven
did not impress
Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries,
who complained it looked
nothing like the dog in the film.
Next...
GEOFF: Husband left 29 years ago?
PAUL: It's a wedding video,
you know somebody's taped over it,
haven't they? You know, they've
taped The Bailiffs Are Coming.
"George says it's not his Labrador
"and he's got the receipt
to prove it!"
That's exactly...
I'm going to give you that. What do
you mean, it's exactly right?
Her husband had taped over it
with a police show.
Here is the special moment,
with a bit of wedding beforehand.
So the final scores are...
Ian and Geoff have four but
Paul and Mishal have ten.
What? Really? Yeah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just time for
the caption competition.
Auditions held for new team
captains on Have I Got News For You.
That's how we got the job
in the first place.
I don't know what the crime was but
it's a hell of an identity parade.
And I leave you with news that
after his brief flight into space,
William Shatner returns to Earth
with only minor side-effects.
To mark Angela Merkel's
stepping down after 16 years
as German Chancellor, the Christian
Democrats throw a wild party.
And there is an awkward moment
at Chester Zoo
as one of the animals notices
that a visitor has sat
on a Werther's Original.
Goodnight.