Have I Got News for You (1990–…): Season 58, Episode 1 - Episode #58.1 - full transcript
Martin Clunes hosts as the satirical, topical panel show returns. Team captains Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are joined by Liberal Democrat MP Layla Moran and comedian Sara Pascoe.
This programme contains
some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Good evening, welcome
to Have I Got News
For You.
I'm Martin Clunes.
In the news this week, in Dorset
the Government launches its new
range of Brexit action figures.
Boris Johnson visits the factory
making the heads for the Sajid
Javid model.
At the recent Liberal Democrat
conference, Tim Farron
enthusiastically
joins in the applause
as the speaker calls
for
even stronger support
for gay rights.
And in preparation for Brexit, the
Government demonstrate their new
smart technology for identifying
illegal immigrants
sneaking in at Dover.
On Ian's team tonight is that rarest
of things - a Liberal
Democrat MP who has been
a Liberal Democrat MP
for more than three months!
Please become Layla Moran MP.
And with Paul tonight
is a comedienne who
once said she wanted
to be Prime Minister -
well, give it six months I think
we'll all have a go!
Welcome Sarah Pascoe.
Round one will not be the usual
video montage round.
For round one this
week, we are go play
Boris's Brexit Balls-ups!
The randomiser is going to select
a picture and I want you to identify
the image and explain the balls-up.
Fingers on buzzers
here's your first one.
Boris and Angela Merkel
had a phone call,
where she said, it seems unlikely
that this Brexit negotiation is
going to go any further and No 10
leaked the details of this.
I heard the BBC news
say this week say it
looks increasingly unlikely -
I'm not quite sure
when it looked likely -
that we were going to have
having a Brexit deal.
The conversation was leaked to
the Spectator by a source no No 10.
And I read in this week's Spectator,
it's believed to be Dominic Cumming.
No way.
And you thought, you're
the Spectator, you know!
Dominic Cumming's wife
is the commissioning
editor of the Spectator.
She knows!
With that kind of thing,
because obviously you
work in journalism...
That's very flattering.
Is that because...
Is that the kind of thing you can
kind of do and hint at to
make it look like it
isn't the person it is,
or are you heavily hinting
this is the person?
No, I think the giveaway
with Dominic Cummings'
version is it that it was mad.
So if you were thinking,
"Who is the source
for that," you'd read it and think,
"It's mad, that's Dominic Cummings."
But anyway they were furious,
because you're meant to have these
phone calls and it's not meant to be
leaked, it's meant to be a
negotiation.
According to a leak
of the conversation, Angela Merkel
said:
Ooh!
What did Donald Tusk
accuse Boris of?
The blame game.
He said, "You're trying
to win the blame game."
Which is one of the few ITV quiz
games that never quite made
it past the pilot scheme.
He actually called it
a stupid blame game,
which might get aired on ITV!
You have a series on ITV!
That's very bold of you.
I used to have a series on...
He said:
He said, blamingly.
What's been good news
for Ireland this week?
Rugby.
Not rugby, no.
You won't get this.
The good news, a bran
flake replica of
Ireland has been valued
at £1,000 on eBay.
That's amazing.
OK, give us a clue - which is which?
I can't tell.
If you nibble off the top,
then that's what the DUP wants.
Oh, yes, nothing like
bran flakes for easing
that tricky backstop.
So getting back to
Boris for a second.
He has been in training
his whole life to
become Prime Minister, but how's
he gone down with the public?
Let's have a look at
a little montage here.
You should be
in Brussels negotiating.
We have been negotiating.
You are not.
Please leave my town!
I will do.
You're in Boris Johnson's
constituency.
Don't mention that
name in front of me -
that filthy piece of toe-rag!
And that's his mother!
Yes, this is the news
that we are now in the very
final strait of Brexit,
during the phone call
to Angela Merkel, Boris Johnson said
he needed her to help
us get the boat off the rocks.
That's not the first time he's made
an early morning call to lady asking
for a little tug.
Fingers on your buzzers teams,
here's another one.
That's Hilary Benn,
who brought the act
in Parliament saying
that
Britain won't accept a no deal
and Boris has to write a letter
getting an extension if we don't
have a deal
by October.
And Boris keeps being asked,
"Are you going to obey the law
and actually obey this thing?"
And he always says
he will obey the law,
but he won't say whether he's
going to write this letter.
But what if he did disobey
that law, what might
happen to him?
Well, again he would be breaking
the law and then he'd go
back presumably, maybe not
to the Supreme Court,
because they've had enough of him,
but he'd go to some
court and say, "I'm entitled
to break the law, because I'm Boris
Johnson."
Which is not in the constituency.
What would Parliament down?
The main thing is to avoid no deal,
that letter must be
sent and the extension
must be granted.
And then he goes to jail.
Right, then you'd have to get
in a new Government,
a new acting Prime Minister.
Layla, why won't the Liberal
Democrats let Jeremy Corbyn
be Prime Minister?
That's not fair.
Let him have a go.
Be nice for him.
Before he dies.
You know how we were
talking about...
Like taking your granny sky diving.
Strap him on the back of a commando!
Even if we did let him
have a go, it's not up
to us.
It's got to be about does
he have the numbers and we've got
Philip Hammond who said he would
rather boil his head in a bag than
have Jeremy Corbyn
anywhere near No 10.
He's got to have people like
Amber Rudd, Anna Soubry, there just
isn't the numbers.
So let's move on.
And I'd nominate Ian.
Don't you think.
Yeah!
Wow, are we at the start
of something here Ian?
I think so.
I think so.
I think you could command
the will of the House, don't you?
Are you drunk?
It is really undermining.
I mean, is it true that
the Liberal Democrats will take
anyone so long as they don't...
Absolutely not.
David Cameron?
Oh, God, no!
No, because you were in
coalition with them!
No.
That would be unthinkable.
How about Jeremy,
what if Jeremy just
shipped out, had enough.
Jeremy Corbyn?
Yeah and said, "I'm
a Liberal Democrat!"
Well, he does have an allotment.
Also this week the Independent
Group's Heidi Allen
became the seventh MP to join the
Liberal Democrats, alongside former
Conservative and ex-Labour MPs,
making the Liberal Democrats the
What other secret documents have
been unearthed this week?
What, generally?
Yes, The Evening Standard
discovered that in
2015, Boris Johnson wrote:
Yeah.
Wow!
This is so exciting.
Yeah.
He had the idea it
was going to be like
an archaeologist for
the younger woman, wasn't it?
Going around and it was rejected.
Johnson said that the male lead:
Should be played by:
And should this Clooney Eastwood,
Connery type have messy blonde hair?
Clunesy!
I'll do it.
Yes, this is the Benn Act that
Boris Johnson is thought to be
planning to disobey, ignore
or somehow
weasel his way out of.
The current constitutional
crisis means the
Queen may be put in
the awkward position
of having to choose
the
next Government.
Which she will decide
based on who can bring
economic stability and who will stop
Andrew being extradited to the
United States.
Johnson has insisted
on referring Benn Act as the
Surrender Act.
While divisive terms
like betrayal and treachery have
conjured up images of World War Two,
though of course the big difference
between Brexit and World War two,
is that World War Two
only lasted six years!
Also this week it was revealed that
Boris Johnson has written
a screenplay for an action film
set in the Middle East.
Presumably in the story,
our hero charges into
Iran, finds a British woman
being held hostage against her will
and gets her sentence increased!
Who wants another
Brexit Boris balls-up?
Fingers on buzzers.
Jennifer Arcuri.
Yeah.
Who is definitely not a close
pole-dancing friend of Boris and
definitely there is no conflict
of interest at all in anything that
Boris ever did with
her companies ever.
They have admitted that they have
obviously been lovers?
Sorry?
No?
Haven't they?
No, no.
OK, different What's app group!
OK, what I mean is no
one knows and...
He took her round some of the sights
of London apparently.
Oh, I see.
Up the Gherkin.
She went on the the Piers Morgan
show, she was given
a chance to deny it,
six times she didn't deny it.
She said, "I'm not going
to weaponise this by giving an
answer."
Whereas she could have ended it
if she'd said, "No, we
didn't."
But whether they romantically
involved in whatever
capacity isn't the problem,
it's the business side.
So which get kind of carried
away with the saucy bit.
No, but he...
No, no, no, it's more
if you are having an affair with
someone and you pay them £126,000
of public money, that becomes very,
very reprehensible.
And if you put them
on trade missions and also
write letters suggesting that they
get jobs, which they're not
qualified for, again the fact that
you're having an affair
with them is important.
So sex, obviously, we are not
interested in, but we are in
this case.
I see!
He had signed an agreement
when he was mayor of
London, that he, any friends,
any conflict of interest, he
would declare.
There has been nothing
ever declared about her.
But is she's definitely gone
on these trade trips.
You have to sign something saying
I'll tell you if I make a friend?
If you make a friend
and gave them money.
I think that's fair, don't you?
It's taxpayers' money.
I see loads of friends...
Oh, yeah, taxpayers' money!
OK.
She gave a number of
reasons for the visit.
Mainly
how to turn off that
"find my phone" tracker.
She also said:
A bit
of a giveaway calling it
a "fucking" flat!
But we must make it clear,
mustn't we, Ian, that
Jennifer Arcuri denies that she had
any favourable treatment.
Yes, she said it was
perfectly reasonable for
her to be included in his trade
missions after all the officials had
said, "Why are you inviting
her, she has no right
to be on this mission?"
And then Boris said, "I want her
anyway on the trade mission."
And then she went on.
Which is all perfectly,
normal except it isn't ever!
And how did she express her ability
to control men like Boris
Johnson?
Doesn't she sound fun?
I like the sound of those men!
This is Jennifer Arcuri, the
American business woman defending
herself from accusations of an
affair with Johnson, Jennifer Arcuri
told one newspaper:
In Boris's case it was
because he turned up
with his
trousers already round his ankles.
Time now for round two, which
unusually is the VT montage round.
Paul and Sarah,
what's going on here?
OK, this is the
Extinction Rebellion.
Coffin for our future.
There's a metaphor there.
There's the mysterious
crow people of Orkney!
And there's an unfortunately
genetically-sized is rabbit who is
part of the march.
And the policeman's
having a bit of a laugh!
Isn't he?
He is having a big laugh,
he knows he is walking next to a big
rabbit and he's on camera
and he's having a laugh.
Wait till he finds out that he's
on Have I Got News For You!
He'll be over the moon.
He mightn't even be a policeman.
That maybe a real rabbit,
but a fake policeman.
We don't know.
Is that right?
Yes.
What was the first thing?
Extinction Rebellion.
Yes that's right.
What have they been doing?
To make their point?
Gluing each other to the street.
Well, they turned up
in London and said we're
going to close down Westminster
and I thought, "You're too late!"
They also had an impromptu game of
cricket outside the Supreme Court.
And a mass public
breast-feeding session.
Oh yeah...
They used to feed pigeons.
At similar protests earlier this
year, police were criticised
for being too friendly
towards the protesters,
which they have changed.
How have they changed
that this time?
Well, they've arrested more people.
But it still seems
remarkably friendly.
The Prime Minister was very cross
and he said this rebellion should be
treated with the full force
of the law.
He just doesn't get irony, does he?
They arrested over 600 people.
They got an 81-year-old
Quaker and a 43-year-old
Brazilian pole dancer,
which still remains the only pole
dancing-related arrest
in the Westminster area.
APPLAUSE.
What did Boris have to say about
the protests and the protesters?
Uncooperative crusties.
That's right, yes.
What we used to call
the House of Lords.
He said it was time for them to
leave their hemp-smelling bivouacs.
How did Extinction Rebellion
attempt to kick off
the fortnight of protests?
They attempted to use a fire hose
with red sort of blood
water all over the...
..was it the Treasury?
Yeah, it was.
Here's a clip.
There you go.
A good point well made.
I thought it was marvellous.
Someone being completely useless
outside the Treasury instead of in.
Did anybody know what Vladimir Putin
had to say about Greta Thunberg?
Probably something not very nice.
Watch out for the doorknob.
Oh, yes - very bad tase.
Oh, I get it.
He is not that taken with her.
During a recent speech he said,
"I don't share the excitement
about Greta Thunberg."
Going on to describe her
as a "poorly-informed teenager."
And speaking of Putin, where did
he unexpectedly turn up recently?
Walthamstow dog track.
He came out of trap
six and won by a head.
In the meat section
of an Aldi in Croydon.
Let's have a look.
That's uncanny, isn't it?
This is Extinction Rebellion,
which has descended on Westminster
to paralyse the capital.
Although if they really wanted
to provoke a reaction
from Londoners, they could have just
gone into the Underground
and stood on the left-hand
side of the escalators.
Ian and Layla, take a look at this.
Oh, it's a mask I could wear
to look more like Trump.
Oh, what's that?
You're very young!
This is the President
of the United States
at the moment, clapping himself.
He is about to be impeached
for trying to influence foreign
governments to interfere in US
elections, which is illegal.
And the evidence for
it is he admitted it.
In a phone call.
And then repeated it publicly.
And said not only should Ukraine
interfere but China should as well.
I mean, I don't know if he's
read any history, but...
No!
No, he's a moron.
APPLAUSE.
In the end, he didn't really think
that what he had done was wrong.
So therefore he produced
his own evidence.
He's self-impeaching.
I mean, I wouldn't say
he talks out of his arse
but every time he sits
down his voice is muffled.
APPLAUSE.
But he is prepared to calmly
and rationally answer
questions on the phone call.
Let's have a little
look at the clip.
The question was what did you want
President Zelensky to do
about Vice President Biden
and his son, Hunter.
Are you talking to me?
All of what I just asked you, sir.
Are you ready?
We have the President of Finland.
Ask him a question.
I have one for him.
I just wanted to follow up
on the one I asked you.
Did you hear me?
Ask him a question.
I will.
I've given you a long answer.
Ask this gentleman a question.
Don't be rude.
Don't be rude(!) What has Trump done
to try and distract attention
from the impeachment?
Oh, he started a war.
Elaborate...
Well, he had a phone call
with another sort of dictator
from Turkey and obviously I don't
think he thinks much
and the other guy said,
do you mind if I invade Syria
and attack the Kurds?
And Trump went, no,
go for it, good idea.
And then got off the phone
and then it happened.
And everybody else in America,
all the people said,
they're our allies.
They just won the war for this.
Don't do it.
But he had a justification,
didn't he?
What was that?
He said the other day, he said,
well, you know, the Kurds,
where were they in World War II?
They didn't help us at Normandy.
Because, well, they
don't live in Europe.
They also kept mighty quiet
about the gunpowder plot, so...
He tweeted a warning to Turkey not
to take things too far, saying...
So that's cleared that up.
So that's cleared that up.
This is the news that America has
finally come round to the idea
of impeaching Donald Trump.
Donald Trump has defended his
foreign policy in the Middle East,
saying, "The Kurds didn't help
us with D-Day.
Using that logic, it's bad
news for Showaddywaddy
sure as they didn't lift
a finger in Vietnam.
Following the invasion of northern
Syria, President Trump has
threatened Turkey with economic
ruin, which many assume means
he's going to buy it.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
It's just one between
you, this week.
Your four are...
Edward De Vere.
David Cameron.
Helena Bonham Carter.
And Michael Owen.
It feels to me about books
because Michael Owen has got
in trouble with Newcastle
because of the things he said
about the city in his recent book.
David Cameron recently
had a book come out.
Yes, he did.
It was too long?
He offended the Queen.
He also offended the Queen.
He offended, yeah...
And Helena Bonham Carter is playing
Princess Margaret and also offended
the palace because she said
they liked it or something...
She said Princess Margaret
from beyond the grave liked it.
So they've all offended royalty
apart from Michael Owen,
who offended Newcastle?
They've all embarrassed themselves
in front of royalty.
Yes, quite right.
Except for Helena Bonham Carter,
who claims Princess Margaret
told her from beyond the grave
that she could play
her in The Crown.
Yeah.
And De Vere, he was flatulent,
I believe, in front of the Queen.
And in those days, it
wasn't a one-to-one
with the Prime Minister.
You can do what you like now.
But he was sacked and exiled
and removed from court.
Yes, quite right.
Edward De Vere, the 17th Earl
of Oxford, is said to have farted
in front of Queen Elizabeth I.
At the time, court etiquette
dictated that you quickly cover
the smell by burning a Catholic.
Do you know what Princess Margaret
specifically from beyond the grave
asked Helena Bonham Carter to focus
on in her performance?
She said you had to get
the smoking right.
Is it difficult to get
the smoking wrong?
The wrong way round.
If you had the lit
side in your mouth...
Oh, right, yeah.
In your ear or something.
What has David Cameron admitted
to doing when he was in
the presence of the Queen?
He swore.
But he also revealed
their private conversations.
Which you shouldn't do.
The palace was furious.
He kept saying that he'd
asked her to help over the Scottish
referendum and they take a dim
view of this.
Quite right.
How did Michael Owen get what he
calls bollocked by the Queen?
Ian?
I've no idea.
According to his autobiography,
he took his hat off when the Queen
walked into the royal lift,
to which the Queen said...
"If you put your hat back on,
we might all fit in."
Michael also said...
"To this day, I have absolutely no
idea if she was joking."
Did she think they could
all fit into the hat?
In other royal news, what have Harry
and Meghan had enough of?
The media.
They are very upset and she is suing
The Mail on Sunday and he is suing
The Mirror and The Sun.
For separate things, yes.
And Harry released a long statement.
Saying he didn't want to be
criticised in the press.
And that it was two-faced to be nice
to him one minute and then the next
minute not to be nice.
I think it was probably
not very well-advised,
is what you always say.
I think that statement, and maybe
that's how you perceived it,
but I thought it was much more
about the extremes
that they're going to.
It's not that they do print
stories, that lies get...
Obviously, papers are sold
with gossip and tittle tattle
and we all enjoy it,
but watching what happened
to his mother, it crosses a line
and what has happened with Meghan
is bullying and racism
and it's every day.
But it's also legitimate criticism
of the fact that, you know,
the British public pay very large
amounts of money to upkeep this
couple and if they don't
like what they're doing,
for example lecturing them on eco
issues and then flying off to an eco
summit in a private jet...
If they don't like that,
the press is allowed to comment.
I mean, it's a free press.
No one ever said it's
pretty but it is free.
If you want positive royal coverage,
the Saudi Royal family gets really
good coverage at home.
Turkey?
Yeah!
The president, they like
what he does ir they die.
I mean, trust me, I know this stuff
- I've won so many of these cases.
So, all these people have
embarrassed themselves
in front of royalty
except for Helena Bonham Carter,
who claims that Princess Margaret
told her from beyond the grave
she could play her in The Crown.
David Cameron has revealed
that his daughter once asked him,
"Daddy, is it true you were actually
the Prime Minister?"
To which he shouted through a hole
in the shower, "You can buy
the bloody book like everyone else!"
Arch Tory Eurosceptic Marc Francois
said he wouldn't be buying
Cameron's memoirs because...
"I went to the index,
I went down to "F" and look
for my name and it wasn't there."
Should have looked under "C", mate.
APPLAUSE.
So, it's time now for
the Missing Words round,
which this week features
as its guest publication
the newsletter of the British
Beekeepers' Association.
And we start with...
Alan Titchmarsh is
the new face of what?
The Lib Dems.
Is it Dignitas?
Is it?
Because he has that effect
on me, I can tell you.
It's Adidas.
What?
What?!
There he is.
His children look nice.
Why is he mowing artificial turf?
Alan Titchmarsh is featuring
in adverts for Adidas'
new gardening training shoe.
Garish, knobbly and
with a synthetic sole,
Alan Titchmarsh is 70 years old.
Next...
Nigeria's oldest what dies
at the age of 344?
Liar.
APPLAUSE.
It's got to be tortoise
because what else lives to be 344?
It could be a plant, I suppose.
It was a tortoise.
This is the news that Alagba,
the oldest tortoise
in Nigeria, has died.
According to The Mail Online,
the 340-year-old tortoise
died after suffering
from a brief illness.
She survived 15 kings,
nine queens and one Rolling Stone.
Next...
The good thing about holding
the National Honey Show
near London is what?
Access to the M20 "hive".
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
If your other half isn't really
into beekeeping, there are plenty
of other attractions nearby.
And finally...
Mexican Mayor upsets town
by using what at event?
Trump's speech writer.
It's a cardboard cutout of himself.
Yes!
He didn't bother turning up
so he had just a cardboard cutout.
He sure did.
This is the Mayor of Chiapas
in Mexico, who couldn't attend
an event so he sent a cutout
of himself instead.
Here he is at the event.
If that wasn't bad enough,
the last cardboard mayor fell foul
of a drugs cartel and was cut
into pieces and found
in a recycling bin.
The final scores are...
Paul and Sara, six.
And Ian and Layla lagging
behind with four.
Oh, we did it!
Well done to you!
And I leave you with
news that the latest
Labour National Executive Committee
considers a resolution
to have toffees that
aren't so chewy next time.
At Horse Guards Parade,
organisers realise it was a mistake
to let the Duke of Edinburgh drive
himself to the event.
And as EU officials convene
at a hotel for marathon Brexit
talks, there's a narrow escape
as Jean-Claude Juncker
walks by in his Speedos.
Goodnight!
some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
Good evening, welcome
to Have I Got News
For You.
I'm Martin Clunes.
In the news this week, in Dorset
the Government launches its new
range of Brexit action figures.
Boris Johnson visits the factory
making the heads for the Sajid
Javid model.
At the recent Liberal Democrat
conference, Tim Farron
enthusiastically
joins in the applause
as the speaker calls
for
even stronger support
for gay rights.
And in preparation for Brexit, the
Government demonstrate their new
smart technology for identifying
illegal immigrants
sneaking in at Dover.
On Ian's team tonight is that rarest
of things - a Liberal
Democrat MP who has been
a Liberal Democrat MP
for more than three months!
Please become Layla Moran MP.
And with Paul tonight
is a comedienne who
once said she wanted
to be Prime Minister -
well, give it six months I think
we'll all have a go!
Welcome Sarah Pascoe.
Round one will not be the usual
video montage round.
For round one this
week, we are go play
Boris's Brexit Balls-ups!
The randomiser is going to select
a picture and I want you to identify
the image and explain the balls-up.
Fingers on buzzers
here's your first one.
Boris and Angela Merkel
had a phone call,
where she said, it seems unlikely
that this Brexit negotiation is
going to go any further and No 10
leaked the details of this.
I heard the BBC news
say this week say it
looks increasingly unlikely -
I'm not quite sure
when it looked likely -
that we were going to have
having a Brexit deal.
The conversation was leaked to
the Spectator by a source no No 10.
And I read in this week's Spectator,
it's believed to be Dominic Cumming.
No way.
And you thought, you're
the Spectator, you know!
Dominic Cumming's wife
is the commissioning
editor of the Spectator.
She knows!
With that kind of thing,
because obviously you
work in journalism...
That's very flattering.
Is that because...
Is that the kind of thing you can
kind of do and hint at to
make it look like it
isn't the person it is,
or are you heavily hinting
this is the person?
No, I think the giveaway
with Dominic Cummings'
version is it that it was mad.
So if you were thinking,
"Who is the source
for that," you'd read it and think,
"It's mad, that's Dominic Cummings."
But anyway they were furious,
because you're meant to have these
phone calls and it's not meant to be
leaked, it's meant to be a
negotiation.
According to a leak
of the conversation, Angela Merkel
said:
Ooh!
What did Donald Tusk
accuse Boris of?
The blame game.
He said, "You're trying
to win the blame game."
Which is one of the few ITV quiz
games that never quite made
it past the pilot scheme.
He actually called it
a stupid blame game,
which might get aired on ITV!
You have a series on ITV!
That's very bold of you.
I used to have a series on...
He said:
He said, blamingly.
What's been good news
for Ireland this week?
Rugby.
Not rugby, no.
You won't get this.
The good news, a bran
flake replica of
Ireland has been valued
at £1,000 on eBay.
That's amazing.
OK, give us a clue - which is which?
I can't tell.
If you nibble off the top,
then that's what the DUP wants.
Oh, yes, nothing like
bran flakes for easing
that tricky backstop.
So getting back to
Boris for a second.
He has been in training
his whole life to
become Prime Minister, but how's
he gone down with the public?
Let's have a look at
a little montage here.
You should be
in Brussels negotiating.
We have been negotiating.
You are not.
Please leave my town!
I will do.
You're in Boris Johnson's
constituency.
Don't mention that
name in front of me -
that filthy piece of toe-rag!
And that's his mother!
Yes, this is the news
that we are now in the very
final strait of Brexit,
during the phone call
to Angela Merkel, Boris Johnson said
he needed her to help
us get the boat off the rocks.
That's not the first time he's made
an early morning call to lady asking
for a little tug.
Fingers on your buzzers teams,
here's another one.
That's Hilary Benn,
who brought the act
in Parliament saying
that
Britain won't accept a no deal
and Boris has to write a letter
getting an extension if we don't
have a deal
by October.
And Boris keeps being asked,
"Are you going to obey the law
and actually obey this thing?"
And he always says
he will obey the law,
but he won't say whether he's
going to write this letter.
But what if he did disobey
that law, what might
happen to him?
Well, again he would be breaking
the law and then he'd go
back presumably, maybe not
to the Supreme Court,
because they've had enough of him,
but he'd go to some
court and say, "I'm entitled
to break the law, because I'm Boris
Johnson."
Which is not in the constituency.
What would Parliament down?
The main thing is to avoid no deal,
that letter must be
sent and the extension
must be granted.
And then he goes to jail.
Right, then you'd have to get
in a new Government,
a new acting Prime Minister.
Layla, why won't the Liberal
Democrats let Jeremy Corbyn
be Prime Minister?
That's not fair.
Let him have a go.
Be nice for him.
Before he dies.
You know how we were
talking about...
Like taking your granny sky diving.
Strap him on the back of a commando!
Even if we did let him
have a go, it's not up
to us.
It's got to be about does
he have the numbers and we've got
Philip Hammond who said he would
rather boil his head in a bag than
have Jeremy Corbyn
anywhere near No 10.
He's got to have people like
Amber Rudd, Anna Soubry, there just
isn't the numbers.
So let's move on.
And I'd nominate Ian.
Don't you think.
Yeah!
Wow, are we at the start
of something here Ian?
I think so.
I think so.
I think you could command
the will of the House, don't you?
Are you drunk?
It is really undermining.
I mean, is it true that
the Liberal Democrats will take
anyone so long as they don't...
Absolutely not.
David Cameron?
Oh, God, no!
No, because you were in
coalition with them!
No.
That would be unthinkable.
How about Jeremy,
what if Jeremy just
shipped out, had enough.
Jeremy Corbyn?
Yeah and said, "I'm
a Liberal Democrat!"
Well, he does have an allotment.
Also this week the Independent
Group's Heidi Allen
became the seventh MP to join the
Liberal Democrats, alongside former
Conservative and ex-Labour MPs,
making the Liberal Democrats the
What other secret documents have
been unearthed this week?
What, generally?
Yes, The Evening Standard
discovered that in
2015, Boris Johnson wrote:
Yeah.
Wow!
This is so exciting.
Yeah.
He had the idea it
was going to be like
an archaeologist for
the younger woman, wasn't it?
Going around and it was rejected.
Johnson said that the male lead:
Should be played by:
And should this Clooney Eastwood,
Connery type have messy blonde hair?
Clunesy!
I'll do it.
Yes, this is the Benn Act that
Boris Johnson is thought to be
planning to disobey, ignore
or somehow
weasel his way out of.
The current constitutional
crisis means the
Queen may be put in
the awkward position
of having to choose
the
next Government.
Which she will decide
based on who can bring
economic stability and who will stop
Andrew being extradited to the
United States.
Johnson has insisted
on referring Benn Act as the
Surrender Act.
While divisive terms
like betrayal and treachery have
conjured up images of World War Two,
though of course the big difference
between Brexit and World War two,
is that World War Two
only lasted six years!
Also this week it was revealed that
Boris Johnson has written
a screenplay for an action film
set in the Middle East.
Presumably in the story,
our hero charges into
Iran, finds a British woman
being held hostage against her will
and gets her sentence increased!
Who wants another
Brexit Boris balls-up?
Fingers on buzzers.
Jennifer Arcuri.
Yeah.
Who is definitely not a close
pole-dancing friend of Boris and
definitely there is no conflict
of interest at all in anything that
Boris ever did with
her companies ever.
They have admitted that they have
obviously been lovers?
Sorry?
No?
Haven't they?
No, no.
OK, different What's app group!
OK, what I mean is no
one knows and...
He took her round some of the sights
of London apparently.
Oh, I see.
Up the Gherkin.
She went on the the Piers Morgan
show, she was given
a chance to deny it,
six times she didn't deny it.
She said, "I'm not going
to weaponise this by giving an
answer."
Whereas she could have ended it
if she'd said, "No, we
didn't."
But whether they romantically
involved in whatever
capacity isn't the problem,
it's the business side.
So which get kind of carried
away with the saucy bit.
No, but he...
No, no, no, it's more
if you are having an affair with
someone and you pay them £126,000
of public money, that becomes very,
very reprehensible.
And if you put them
on trade missions and also
write letters suggesting that they
get jobs, which they're not
qualified for, again the fact that
you're having an affair
with them is important.
So sex, obviously, we are not
interested in, but we are in
this case.
I see!
He had signed an agreement
when he was mayor of
London, that he, any friends,
any conflict of interest, he
would declare.
There has been nothing
ever declared about her.
But is she's definitely gone
on these trade trips.
You have to sign something saying
I'll tell you if I make a friend?
If you make a friend
and gave them money.
I think that's fair, don't you?
It's taxpayers' money.
I see loads of friends...
Oh, yeah, taxpayers' money!
OK.
She gave a number of
reasons for the visit.
Mainly
how to turn off that
"find my phone" tracker.
She also said:
A bit
of a giveaway calling it
a "fucking" flat!
But we must make it clear,
mustn't we, Ian, that
Jennifer Arcuri denies that she had
any favourable treatment.
Yes, she said it was
perfectly reasonable for
her to be included in his trade
missions after all the officials had
said, "Why are you inviting
her, she has no right
to be on this mission?"
And then Boris said, "I want her
anyway on the trade mission."
And then she went on.
Which is all perfectly,
normal except it isn't ever!
And how did she express her ability
to control men like Boris
Johnson?
Doesn't she sound fun?
I like the sound of those men!
This is Jennifer Arcuri, the
American business woman defending
herself from accusations of an
affair with Johnson, Jennifer Arcuri
told one newspaper:
In Boris's case it was
because he turned up
with his
trousers already round his ankles.
Time now for round two, which
unusually is the VT montage round.
Paul and Sarah,
what's going on here?
OK, this is the
Extinction Rebellion.
Coffin for our future.
There's a metaphor there.
There's the mysterious
crow people of Orkney!
And there's an unfortunately
genetically-sized is rabbit who is
part of the march.
And the policeman's
having a bit of a laugh!
Isn't he?
He is having a big laugh,
he knows he is walking next to a big
rabbit and he's on camera
and he's having a laugh.
Wait till he finds out that he's
on Have I Got News For You!
He'll be over the moon.
He mightn't even be a policeman.
That maybe a real rabbit,
but a fake policeman.
We don't know.
Is that right?
Yes.
What was the first thing?
Extinction Rebellion.
Yes that's right.
What have they been doing?
To make their point?
Gluing each other to the street.
Well, they turned up
in London and said we're
going to close down Westminster
and I thought, "You're too late!"
They also had an impromptu game of
cricket outside the Supreme Court.
And a mass public
breast-feeding session.
Oh yeah...
They used to feed pigeons.
At similar protests earlier this
year, police were criticised
for being too friendly
towards the protesters,
which they have changed.
How have they changed
that this time?
Well, they've arrested more people.
But it still seems
remarkably friendly.
The Prime Minister was very cross
and he said this rebellion should be
treated with the full force
of the law.
He just doesn't get irony, does he?
They arrested over 600 people.
They got an 81-year-old
Quaker and a 43-year-old
Brazilian pole dancer,
which still remains the only pole
dancing-related arrest
in the Westminster area.
APPLAUSE.
What did Boris have to say about
the protests and the protesters?
Uncooperative crusties.
That's right, yes.
What we used to call
the House of Lords.
He said it was time for them to
leave their hemp-smelling bivouacs.
How did Extinction Rebellion
attempt to kick off
the fortnight of protests?
They attempted to use a fire hose
with red sort of blood
water all over the...
..was it the Treasury?
Yeah, it was.
Here's a clip.
There you go.
A good point well made.
I thought it was marvellous.
Someone being completely useless
outside the Treasury instead of in.
Did anybody know what Vladimir Putin
had to say about Greta Thunberg?
Probably something not very nice.
Watch out for the doorknob.
Oh, yes - very bad tase.
Oh, I get it.
He is not that taken with her.
During a recent speech he said,
"I don't share the excitement
about Greta Thunberg."
Going on to describe her
as a "poorly-informed teenager."
And speaking of Putin, where did
he unexpectedly turn up recently?
Walthamstow dog track.
He came out of trap
six and won by a head.
In the meat section
of an Aldi in Croydon.
Let's have a look.
That's uncanny, isn't it?
This is Extinction Rebellion,
which has descended on Westminster
to paralyse the capital.
Although if they really wanted
to provoke a reaction
from Londoners, they could have just
gone into the Underground
and stood on the left-hand
side of the escalators.
Ian and Layla, take a look at this.
Oh, it's a mask I could wear
to look more like Trump.
Oh, what's that?
You're very young!
This is the President
of the United States
at the moment, clapping himself.
He is about to be impeached
for trying to influence foreign
governments to interfere in US
elections, which is illegal.
And the evidence for
it is he admitted it.
In a phone call.
And then repeated it publicly.
And said not only should Ukraine
interfere but China should as well.
I mean, I don't know if he's
read any history, but...
No!
No, he's a moron.
APPLAUSE.
In the end, he didn't really think
that what he had done was wrong.
So therefore he produced
his own evidence.
He's self-impeaching.
I mean, I wouldn't say
he talks out of his arse
but every time he sits
down his voice is muffled.
APPLAUSE.
But he is prepared to calmly
and rationally answer
questions on the phone call.
Let's have a little
look at the clip.
The question was what did you want
President Zelensky to do
about Vice President Biden
and his son, Hunter.
Are you talking to me?
All of what I just asked you, sir.
Are you ready?
We have the President of Finland.
Ask him a question.
I have one for him.
I just wanted to follow up
on the one I asked you.
Did you hear me?
Ask him a question.
I will.
I've given you a long answer.
Ask this gentleman a question.
Don't be rude.
Don't be rude(!) What has Trump done
to try and distract attention
from the impeachment?
Oh, he started a war.
Elaborate...
Well, he had a phone call
with another sort of dictator
from Turkey and obviously I don't
think he thinks much
and the other guy said,
do you mind if I invade Syria
and attack the Kurds?
And Trump went, no,
go for it, good idea.
And then got off the phone
and then it happened.
And everybody else in America,
all the people said,
they're our allies.
They just won the war for this.
Don't do it.
But he had a justification,
didn't he?
What was that?
He said the other day, he said,
well, you know, the Kurds,
where were they in World War II?
They didn't help us at Normandy.
Because, well, they
don't live in Europe.
They also kept mighty quiet
about the gunpowder plot, so...
He tweeted a warning to Turkey not
to take things too far, saying...
So that's cleared that up.
So that's cleared that up.
This is the news that America has
finally come round to the idea
of impeaching Donald Trump.
Donald Trump has defended his
foreign policy in the Middle East,
saying, "The Kurds didn't help
us with D-Day.
Using that logic, it's bad
news for Showaddywaddy
sure as they didn't lift
a finger in Vietnam.
Following the invasion of northern
Syria, President Trump has
threatened Turkey with economic
ruin, which many assume means
he's going to buy it.
Time now for the Odd One Out round.
It's just one between
you, this week.
Your four are...
Edward De Vere.
David Cameron.
Helena Bonham Carter.
And Michael Owen.
It feels to me about books
because Michael Owen has got
in trouble with Newcastle
because of the things he said
about the city in his recent book.
David Cameron recently
had a book come out.
Yes, he did.
It was too long?
He offended the Queen.
He also offended the Queen.
He offended, yeah...
And Helena Bonham Carter is playing
Princess Margaret and also offended
the palace because she said
they liked it or something...
She said Princess Margaret
from beyond the grave liked it.
So they've all offended royalty
apart from Michael Owen,
who offended Newcastle?
They've all embarrassed themselves
in front of royalty.
Yes, quite right.
Except for Helena Bonham Carter,
who claims Princess Margaret
told her from beyond the grave
that she could play
her in The Crown.
Yeah.
And De Vere, he was flatulent,
I believe, in front of the Queen.
And in those days, it
wasn't a one-to-one
with the Prime Minister.
You can do what you like now.
But he was sacked and exiled
and removed from court.
Yes, quite right.
Edward De Vere, the 17th Earl
of Oxford, is said to have farted
in front of Queen Elizabeth I.
At the time, court etiquette
dictated that you quickly cover
the smell by burning a Catholic.
Do you know what Princess Margaret
specifically from beyond the grave
asked Helena Bonham Carter to focus
on in her performance?
She said you had to get
the smoking right.
Is it difficult to get
the smoking wrong?
The wrong way round.
If you had the lit
side in your mouth...
Oh, right, yeah.
In your ear or something.
What has David Cameron admitted
to doing when he was in
the presence of the Queen?
He swore.
But he also revealed
their private conversations.
Which you shouldn't do.
The palace was furious.
He kept saying that he'd
asked her to help over the Scottish
referendum and they take a dim
view of this.
Quite right.
How did Michael Owen get what he
calls bollocked by the Queen?
Ian?
I've no idea.
According to his autobiography,
he took his hat off when the Queen
walked into the royal lift,
to which the Queen said...
"If you put your hat back on,
we might all fit in."
Michael also said...
"To this day, I have absolutely no
idea if she was joking."
Did she think they could
all fit into the hat?
In other royal news, what have Harry
and Meghan had enough of?
The media.
They are very upset and she is suing
The Mail on Sunday and he is suing
The Mirror and The Sun.
For separate things, yes.
And Harry released a long statement.
Saying he didn't want to be
criticised in the press.
And that it was two-faced to be nice
to him one minute and then the next
minute not to be nice.
I think it was probably
not very well-advised,
is what you always say.
I think that statement, and maybe
that's how you perceived it,
but I thought it was much more
about the extremes
that they're going to.
It's not that they do print
stories, that lies get...
Obviously, papers are sold
with gossip and tittle tattle
and we all enjoy it,
but watching what happened
to his mother, it crosses a line
and what has happened with Meghan
is bullying and racism
and it's every day.
But it's also legitimate criticism
of the fact that, you know,
the British public pay very large
amounts of money to upkeep this
couple and if they don't
like what they're doing,
for example lecturing them on eco
issues and then flying off to an eco
summit in a private jet...
If they don't like that,
the press is allowed to comment.
I mean, it's a free press.
No one ever said it's
pretty but it is free.
If you want positive royal coverage,
the Saudi Royal family gets really
good coverage at home.
Turkey?
Yeah!
The president, they like
what he does ir they die.
I mean, trust me, I know this stuff
- I've won so many of these cases.
So, all these people have
embarrassed themselves
in front of royalty
except for Helena Bonham Carter,
who claims that Princess Margaret
told her from beyond the grave
she could play her in The Crown.
David Cameron has revealed
that his daughter once asked him,
"Daddy, is it true you were actually
the Prime Minister?"
To which he shouted through a hole
in the shower, "You can buy
the bloody book like everyone else!"
Arch Tory Eurosceptic Marc Francois
said he wouldn't be buying
Cameron's memoirs because...
"I went to the index,
I went down to "F" and look
for my name and it wasn't there."
Should have looked under "C", mate.
APPLAUSE.
So, it's time now for
the Missing Words round,
which this week features
as its guest publication
the newsletter of the British
Beekeepers' Association.
And we start with...
Alan Titchmarsh is
the new face of what?
The Lib Dems.
Is it Dignitas?
Is it?
Because he has that effect
on me, I can tell you.
It's Adidas.
What?
What?!
There he is.
His children look nice.
Why is he mowing artificial turf?
Alan Titchmarsh is featuring
in adverts for Adidas'
new gardening training shoe.
Garish, knobbly and
with a synthetic sole,
Alan Titchmarsh is 70 years old.
Next...
Nigeria's oldest what dies
at the age of 344?
Liar.
APPLAUSE.
It's got to be tortoise
because what else lives to be 344?
It could be a plant, I suppose.
It was a tortoise.
This is the news that Alagba,
the oldest tortoise
in Nigeria, has died.
According to The Mail Online,
the 340-year-old tortoise
died after suffering
from a brief illness.
She survived 15 kings,
nine queens and one Rolling Stone.
Next...
The good thing about holding
the National Honey Show
near London is what?
Access to the M20 "hive".
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.
If your other half isn't really
into beekeeping, there are plenty
of other attractions nearby.
And finally...
Mexican Mayor upsets town
by using what at event?
Trump's speech writer.
It's a cardboard cutout of himself.
Yes!
He didn't bother turning up
so he had just a cardboard cutout.
He sure did.
This is the Mayor of Chiapas
in Mexico, who couldn't attend
an event so he sent a cutout
of himself instead.
Here he is at the event.
If that wasn't bad enough,
the last cardboard mayor fell foul
of a drugs cartel and was cut
into pieces and found
in a recycling bin.
The final scores are...
Paul and Sara, six.
And Ian and Layla lagging
behind with four.
Oh, we did it!
Well done to you!
And I leave you with
news that the latest
Labour National Executive Committee
considers a resolution
to have toffees that
aren't so chewy next time.
At Horse Guards Parade,
organisers realise it was a mistake
to let the Duke of Edinburgh drive
himself to the event.
And as EU officials convene
at a hotel for marathon Brexit
talks, there's a narrow escape
as Jean-Claude Juncker
walks by in his Speedos.
Goodnight!