Have I Got News for You (1990–…): Season 64, Episode 4 - Episode #64.1 - full transcript

Just a few words for level, please,
Jess. Hello, everybody.

I'm looking forward to being
completely out of date

and the Chancellor having
resigned before this airs.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Typical Labour,
such low expectation.

The Prime Minister will resign!
Oh, yes, sorry, yeah!

This programme
contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Adil Ray.
In the news this week...

At a B&Q in Wembley,
staff applaud a woman who has just



spent three hours listening to her
husband list the pros and cons

of their entire range of lawnmowers.

A new series of Total Wipeout
is rumoured to be in the works

after presenter Richard Hammond
is spotted trying out the obstacles.

And at Dover Castle,
a seagull spots a dropped chip

at the worst possible moment.

Cannon, fire!

LAUGHTER, AUDIENCE GASPS

On Ian's team tonight
is a writer and broadcaster

who recently quit Pointless,
a long-running and popular show

which will now replace him
with a series of guest presenters.

That'll never work.

Please welcome Richard Osman.
APPLAUSE

On Paul's team tonight is a Labour
MP and opponent of Liz Truss's



economic policies who recently
complained about the toilets

in Westminster leaking
into her office.

So, no wonder she's against
"trickle-down" theory.

Please welcome Jess Phillips.

APPLAUSE

We begin with the bigger news
stories of the week.

Ian and Richard,
take a look at this.

That's the Prime Minister,
at time of recording.

That's the pound on its way
to see the dollar.

Yep, not doing a U-turn.

Kwasi will be in the anti-growth
coalition by Friday morning.

Yeah, he's there now.

And that's...

Oh!

It's not going very well,
she's had another very bad week.

The economy has tanked
and a lot of people,

I mean, obviously not me, have said
it's because her and her Chancellor

are useless.

In fact, it's the fault of a number
of other people,

it's the OBR and the IRA...and...

ELO. ELO!

I'm going to have to stick
up for her, I think -

she said she would get
things done quickly...

JESS LAUGHS

Didn't waste any time, did she?

If she can tank
the economy in seven days,

think what she can do in two years.

There's so many cliff-hangers.
It's moving so quickly.

It could turn into a murder mystery,
Richard.

Argh, no money in it.

"No money in it"
is Liz Truss's watchword.

Nearly everything announced in the
mini Budget isn't going to happen,

so all the pain and turbulence
will be for nothing. Yeah.

It is about confidence,
and if the markets,

which, you know... I know you don't,

but the Conservative Party
believes in the markets,

if you ask the markets what they
think and they say,

"You're useless,"
then you have to think again.

It's interesting that the markets
themselves have become part of

the anti-growth coalition.
JESS: Yeah!

They are famously quite pro-growth,
aren't they?

And you know who's joined now?
Oh, no, I... The entire Tory party.

Do you think she's got a plan, Ian?

Is there something that we've
overlooked here that she may have?

No.

The fact that you guys are 90,000
points ahead in the polls... Yeah.

Does that not scare them?
They don't seem to have noticed!

It scares me!

We're all scared!

On current polling, there would be,
like, three Tories left. Yeah...

Iain, Duncan, Smith.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Despite the economic crisis,
the pound crashing,

and immense poverty on the way,
she isn't panicking.

She's all calm.
She posted this video on Instagram.

SOULFUL MUSIC

I think, actually, she's releasing
things in slow motion

in the hope that her premiership
lasts a little bit longer.

So her right-hand man, I guess,
is Kwasi Kwarteng at the moment.

What has he been doing this week?

He's met the IMF. Yeah.
Met the IMF, yeah.

He's dissed the OBR. Did you hear
his speech in the Commons?

Did you see how many times he
mentioned the OBR?
I was there, yeah.

For somebody who doesn't
want to meet the OBR,

he mentions them a lot.
Let's have a look.

As far as I'm concerned, and I speak
to investors regularly about this,

the OBR...

..the OBR...

..the OBR...

..the OBR...

..the OBR...

But I notice in that clip the man to
his left seemed to be operating him

with his pen on his nose.

The man there in the right-hand
corner, watch, here we go.

See? Look...!

Oh, yes...!

APPLAUSE

Jacob Rees-Mogg, he's been quite
loyal throughout this, hasn't he?

But he wasn't happy
with the BBC this week.

I think he was very, very upset,
as a lot of us were,

that Richie got voted off
Strictly Come Dancing.

Was Rishi on Strictly Come Dancing?

He can't stay in anything, can he?

Yes, he accused the broadcaster
of breaking impartiality rules,

after they stated that...

The Business Secretary went
on to suggest that the fault

was with the Bank of England.

Now, here's Gillian Tett, the
US editor of the Financial Times,

giving a nuanced response
to Rees-Mogg's claims

in an interview with Channel 4 News.

Can you just give us
your verdict on that?

Well, to use a nontechnical term,
that's pretty much bollocks.

APPLAUSE

I mean, accusing the BBC
of being impartial.

Nadine Dorries came out
and said this Government

is lurching to the right.

That's the equivalent of being
attacked by Attila the Hun.

Have a look at this sinister bit
of political censorship

on the BBC this week.
This was extraordinary.

Talking of pushing the boundaries
with the BBC,

it's something you guys do
week in, week out,

on Have I Got News for You.

Are you surprised with what you can
get away with sometimes?

INAUDIBLE

GARBLED: I...

INAUDIBLE

APPLAUSE

What were you saying?
I was saying...

HE VOCALISES GIBBERISH

There are a number of rebels making
trouble for Liz Truss.

Who would you say at the moment is
the most prominent rebel?

Gove. Yeah.

Surely got to be Govey. Yeah.

Govey? Govey. Ah, little Govey.

Yes, one unnamed Tory
said about Michael Gove...

That makes me like him so much more.

It makes it sound like he's
been on A Place In The Sun.

Like he's tried to, you know,
find a flat in Malaga.

You talk about Nadine Dorries, she's
been writing in the Mail.

What has she been writing about?

Boris Johnson. Yeah.

She's always on about Boris Johnson.
It's always...

What are you suggesting?

I'm suggesting she
loves Boris Johnson.

How much?

Loads.

Nadine Dorries has been writing
in the Mail wishing for

"a Boris comeback", although it's
extremely unlikely, she said.

It's going so fast,
genuinely someone the other day

mentioned Sue Gray to me, and
I went, oh, yes, I remember that.

It's like it was from the '40s.

Boris has been taking part in some
other activities, though.

We don't need to know.
Adil, come on.

We've got pictures and everything.
Come on.

If this is a picture of a Boris
comeback, I don't want to see it.

Is it cricket? It is cricket.

According to Nadine Dorries...

Nadine, he was trying to keep
you away, love.

Or maybe not, according to
Jess Phillips, I don't know.

And...

..he was also spotted taking up
golf. Let's have a look.

The ball's clearly gone into
the mouth of the bloke

standing behind him with the tie.

It looks like it's
gone into his mouth

and now it's coming out of his arse.
He's clenching his...

APPLAUSE

I'm sure he's very busy
doing his surgeries

and talking about
the problems in Uxbridge.

I'm sure his constituents are being
incredibly well served by him.

Yes, absolutely.
CROWD MEMBER: No, we're not!

JESS LAUGHS
APPLAUSE

Keir's putting his top
team on election footing.

Have you had the phone call from
Mr Starmer? Not about that, no.

Not this week.
No, I've not had a call. OK.

Have you had
a call about something else?

I mean, occasionally he calls me.
What does he say?

I mean, that's private between me
and Keir Starmer. Hello!

Oh, I see what she did there!

Pointed towards someone else,
Boris and Nadine. Ah!

Back to energy, then. Yeah.

There's already been some ingenious
schemes to save electricity.

Have you heard what the
Royal Oak in Hackney has been

doing along with several other pubs
to try and save energy?

Have they closed? No.
That would probably help, yeah.

Something they're encouraging
others to do,

which people have been doing
a lot of in the last...

Oh, to work from the pub. Yes.

So instead of going into a cafe
and drinking coffee and working,

you go into a pub
and get thoroughly drunk all day.

Like the House of Commons.

I was once in a pub in Hackney
and I asked for a lager and lime.

A young woman behind the bar,
about 21.

She gave me
a pint of lager with half a lime

floating in the top of it.

I was like, I meant lime cordial.

It's London, love. I know! She was
like, I don't know what you mean.

Fuck off, I don't do cordials.

LAUGHTER

You're getting it there, pass it on,
pass it round.

There, if you look.

Now, you'd think people might
appreciate some Government advice

on how to save energy.
Why won't there be any?

Because there's no Government?

That's one half of it, yeah.
There was a U-turn.

There was going to be, wasn't there?

Liz Truss blocked a Government
ad campaign masterminded by

Jacob Rees-Mogg to advise people
on how to cut energy use

on the grounds that it would be...

I'm struggling with the phrase
"masterminded by Jacob Rees-Mogg".

But people thought it'd be
patronising, didn't they?

Well, it's nanny state, isn't it?

I think they also have mooted like
this week saying it's fine to

smoke in cars with your kids
because of the nanny state.

It's funny, because Jacob has
a nanny personally.

So why the rest of us shouldn't get
one on the state is just beyond me.

Absolutely.

I mean, this thing about Government
advice, do you think

we should go as far as having
public information films right now?

I used to love them. I loved them!

I mean, I've never climbed
an electricity pylon...

LAUGHTER

..and it'd be easier
for me than most people.

Would you like to see a public
information film? I certainly would.

Let's have a look at this one.

This Christmas, with less energy
available, we must provide

for essential services and hospitals
who will be at risk.

We can save most by
heating one room only.

So, cut down at Christmas.

Ho-ho-ho!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you remember much about this?
What did you have to do?

I mean, Ian would've
gone through it,

one of the wings of his castle
would've been completely...dark.

Make sure you don't
fall in the moat.

"Where's the drawbridge, Daddy?"

Now, did anyone go to the
Festival of Brexit? Oh, yes.

Did you go? Three times. Yes.

No, of course I didn't go to the
Festival of... Well, why not?

He was an exhibit.

Can anybody tell us a little bit
more about the Festival of Brexit?

Is it the thing that
was at Weston-super-Mare?

Yes, let's have a look.
It was an oil rig. There we go.

Nobody went,
and it lost a huge amount of money.

They projected an audience of
66 million, total attendance,

238,000.

You know, my nan used to
go on a charabanc to Weston.

They should've put on coaches,
shouldn't they, or something,

so people could've got there.

Couldn't find any drivers. Oh, yeah!

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Nicola Sturgeon,
she keeps banging on about

another independence referendum.

Oh, come on... Let it go, Nicola.
But why is she in trouble this week?

She said she "despises the Tories."

Yeah. She said...

That's a terrible thing to say,
Jess, isn't it?

You wouldn't say that, would you?
I don't detest them ALL.

I detest some of them. What about
Therese Coffey-ey-ey-ey...?

Do you know, they all call
Therese Coffey "Tiz". "Tiz"?

Tory women all have these shortened
versions of their names,

like, "Mims" and "Flick"
and "Tiz",

and so, when I realised this,
I was like, "Oh, I want one,"

but mine would be "Jizz".
RICHARD: Oh...

So I thought better of that.

This programme's taken a turn,
hasn't it?

I knew we shouldn't have had her on.
Is it like this on Question Time?

I'm on that next week. Oh, well.
Tune in.

LAUGHTER

Now, would you like to see a rather
lazy Channel 4 reporter

searching for supporters of
Scottish independence?

Yes! Yes, I thought you might.
Thank you, Paul. Let's have a look.

Among the devotees,
there's not much doubt.

Do you think there's going to be a
referendum next year? There will be.

Referendum next year?
Aye, go for it.

But all that's in the hands of
the Supreme Court. The Scottish

and UK governments go head-to-head
tomorrow in a historic case

over who holds the power
to call a vote.

He was just shopping in TK Maxx,
wasn't he?

I'd love it if people came back
and went round again.

So, this is another volatile week
for Liz Truss's Government

with more screeching U-turns. Liz
Truss warned the public this week...

There will be one, Liz,
come the next election.

After Trade Minister Conor Burns
was sacked

because of his alleged groping of
a younger man, he was replaced by...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, it was either him
or Bob Arsetickler.

According to the Mail, the Prime
Minister got a mixed reception

as she tried to rally MPs behind
her plans in a private meeting.

One attendee said...

You laugh now, but come December,

it's how we'll be cooking
our Christmas potato.

Paul and Jess, take a look at this.

Oh, yes, that's Katie Boyle back in
the '60s Eurovision Song Contest.

Ukraine are the winners, United
Kingdom came second last year,

so they were very happy.

There's the Chancellor
of the Exchequer.

That's the people of Liverpool,

very pleased they've won the chance
to host the Eurovision Song Contest.

Ukraine won the Eurovision
Song Contest earlier this year,

but for various reasons
that are obvious,

they won't be holding the event
next year, so Liverpool have won.

How did we find out
that Liverpool were the hosts?

It was announced.
Yes, it was announced...

APPLAUSE

Some of us watch TV, some of us read
it in the papers. Exactly, yeah.

Perhaps on the internet. I think
different for different people.

We're now going to go
through the entire audience -

yes, mate, how did you find out?

I've just found out this minute!

It was announced by Graham Norton
on The One Show. Here he is.

But some eagle-eyed viewers

pointed out that Norton
had ruined the surprise

as the card he was holding during
the reveal had this written on it.

I mean, I'd rather Ukraine were
hosting it, but given they're not,

it's exciting we're hosting it.

Do you think we'll get Sam Ryder
back to do our song this year?

Oh, yes...

LAUGHTER

Richard, have you seen
this programme before?

He's never heard of Vera Lynn!

The last time we had the Eurovision
Song contest, it was in Birmingham.

And I remember it was
at the same time

that it was the G7,

and I remember going into town and
there were loads of snipers

on the roofs. And I was like,

they're taking the Eurovision Song
Contest really seriously.

But it turned out it
was for Bill Clinton,

who they put in The Swallow Hotel.

Oh...

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

You're determined to be
Prime Minister, aren't you?

I did the UK votes once for
Eurovision... JESS: Oh, my God!

..the single best thing I've ever
done in television. You've made it.

"Our 12 points...

"..go to Georgia."

Was she singing?

Now, who's set to benefit from
Liverpool hosting the contest?

Oh, there was a story about people,

hotels and B&Bs and stuff, putting
up their prices enormously, hugely.

One tourist complained
that his original £200 booking

for an apartment was cancelled
and then relisted

for £22,000. Whew! Whoa.

It was either the Eurovision
announcement that triggered it

or their fixed rate mortgage has
just come up for renewal.

On the subject of Ukraine... Yes.

Now, it was Vladimir Putin's
70th birthday last week.

He doesn't look 70, does he?
He looks good, doesn't he?

I wouldn't say "good"...

On Saturday, an explosion on
the Kerch Bridge that connects

Russia to the illegally annexed
Crimea caused it to collapse.

Now, although the Ukrainian
government haven't officially

taken responsibility for the attack,

there were a few clues that
they may have been behind it.

What were they? I gather
they've been on Twitter.

The Ukrainian National Security
Secretary posted footage

of the explosion,
alongside a clip of...

The Ukrainian government tweeted,
"Sick burn."

And they also released
a commemorative stamp

with this design.

Why else wasn't it a very fun
birthday for Vladimir?

Did he want Glasgow
to win Eurovision?

He had to call off his
official birthday celebration,

but luckily for Putin,
his friends cheered him up

with a few messages and gifts.

What did Putin get from the Belarus

He got a tractor.
He did, yes. He got a...

Here it is!

And that is the entire Belarus army.

What was his gift from
the president of Tajikistan...?

BUZZER

I'm the only one who took
an interest in this. Yeah, go on.

He was given a pyramid of melons.

Well, let's have a look.

JESS: Aw...!

I mean, that's why
you'd rather have a voucher.

This is the announcement
that the Eurovision Song Contest

will be held on behalf of
Ukraine in the city of Liverpool.

The bridge linking Russia to Crimea
was wrecked by an explosion

the day after Putin's 70th birthday.

According to the Mirror...

And try as he might, the birthday
boy couldn't blow them out.

And so to round two -
The Jigsaw of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams. Yeah!

BUZZER

We have got a new king. Say what?

Yes, but what's the story
specifically?

There's going to be a coronation.

The coronation of the King next May,

but essentially, they're not
coinciding with the FA Cup final.

Yes, this is the devastating news
that King Charles's coronation

might not be an extra bank holiday.

Oh! It will take place on the
6th May, that's a Saturday.

Some noted this could
be in order to...

King Charles must have thought,

"It's going to be a tough
month or so for me.

"I'm following up someone
who was extraordinary."

When he meets Liz Truss,
he must say, "Thank fuck for you!"

He actually said something...

..not quite as an expletive,
but pretty much as good.

Have you got the footage?
Yes, we have...

The Prime Minister, Your Majesty.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He said, "You're back again,"

presuming that after a week,
she would've gone!

I think, in everyone's defence, I
think he's saying, "Dear, oh, dear"

cos they're on TV, and he's like,
"This is a bit weird, isn't it?"

Yeah... I think is what he's saying.

Sir Richard Osman will be back.

At the coronation, what does
Charles want at his ceremony?

What did he ask for? Is it me?
Oh, my goodness. Is it me?

Wow! I think he's just going
to have a voucher.

According to the Mail,
Charles has an...

Do you get those kind
of aversions, Paul?

No, I've managed to fight them
off over the years.

And what might this date
cause issues for?

It does clash with something.
It's not the football any more,

it's something else.
The attendance of the Sussexes

is in doubt as its Archie's
fourth birthday.

But they all get on so well,
they'll sort it out.

There's a row about the crown.
Oh, there IS a row about the crown.

Tell us about the row the crown.

Well, I think it's gone
downhill in season four!

The Koh-I-Noor Diamond. Yeah...

The Koh-I-Noor Diamond.
What's the row about?

It's only on the crown that
Camilla's going to wear.

It's something you could
probably get rid of

and most people would be happy.
And various other governments say

it's theirs - the Indian government,
the Iranian government.

There's a whole lot of other people,
due to its history, say,

"This isn't even British." Yeah...

So, in fact she's wearing
a crown from a Christmas cracker...

Now, what has Charles left off
his newly minted coins?

Is it the value of the money, just
in case it...?

What has he left off?

He's left off -
his Latin name, Carolus,

will be replaced with Charles III
in order to make the coins...

What is he adding to his coins?

A picture of a kitten?

That'd boost the economy, right?

Well, what he's adding to his coins
is a bit more hair.

Here's a recent photo of him
for reference, OK.

So that's what we know
King Charles looks like.

And here's a picture of his coin.

Oh!

They've given it away by writing
a red circle around it.

LAUGHTER

What BBC show is Prince Charles set
to appear on? The Repair Shop. Yes.

The Repair Shop - he's taking
in Prince Andrew's reputation

to see what they can do about it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

MIMICS KING CHARLES: It's...been
in the family for years.

The items he's
bringing for repair are...

..and...

Oh... Oh, gosh...

He's not had it that very long,
has he?!

This is the news that Charles and
Camilla have decided on the date

set for their coronation.
Also this week,

an antique chair sold for
a world-record £14.4 million.

But it's still safer
than most Conservative seats.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.
Here comes the next one.

BUZZER

There was a robot turned up at the,
was it House of Commons?

House of Lords.
House of Lords select committee.

And showed how human it
was by falling asleep. Yep.

Ayda or something like that, yeah.
Yeah, it's Ai-Da.

This is the news historic
first signs of intelligence have

been spotted in Parliament.

But, no, seriously though,
let's just see some

footage of a politically engaged
ultra-realistic android.

Yeah.

Here is the actual robot
answering questions.

What is the role of technology
in creating art in the future?

The role of technology
in creating art

will continue to grow,

as artists find new ways to use
technology to express themselves.

She's nearly as good as
Keir Starmer.

A bit animated, though.
Have to tell her to tone it down.

Oh, dear...

How did Ai-Da end up in Parliament?

She was selected fairly.

They needed a stunt. Mmm.
A stunt? Really?

I don't think it's a really serious
examination of the role

of artificial intelligence. Do you?

It looks like a mannequin.

It was two steps up from writing
"BOOBIES" on a calculator.

The Daily Mail described it as...

How was Ai-Da able to answer
the questions so well?

Well, someone had told her what the
questions were and someone had

typed it on a keyboard, I think.

I don't have the exact interface
details, but I don't think

she heard the question and was like,
that's a good one, um...

Creator Aidan Meller revealed that
Ai-Da's answers were...

It doesn't always work.
Let's see it in action here.

And do you have an issue about
remortgaging?

Well, I...

You've been in front of those select
committees, haven't you?

I have, and we weren't given
the questions in advance.

Though they were mostly
"Who are you?"

But can they ask anyone? Yeah.
Do you want to come? No...

But for example, I'm not saying you
would, you could call Jason Donovan?

Yeah. Call him for what?

If you just want to have a chat
with him. PAUL: Yeah.

Call him to the agriculture
and fisheries select committee,

and just say,
"Do you still text Kylie?"

This is Ai-Da the robot, who spoke
at a Parliamentary committee.

The robot was at the House of Lords.

It has a sleep mode,
as indeed does the robot.

Fingers on buzzers, teams,
here comes the next one.

BUZZER

This is the full English breakfast,

which an academic this week
has said isn't very English

and most of the constituents in it
don't come from England.

And that's what they study
now at university.

Why is someone not doing a study
into the fact that people might have

sourdough toast with a fry-up, which
is the worst thing in the world?

What's wrong with sourdough toast?
Oh, just because it rips

your mouth apart and it's
not as good as real toast.

What is your problem with anybody
else having sourdough toast?

Yeah, fascist!

Yes, I will take that.
I will take that...

Where exactly is the
English breakfast from, then?

A Cambridge academic,
Dr Ha-Joon Chang,

claims in a new book
that the breakfast can't

be labelled "English" because...

PAUL: Yes...
RICHARD: Yeah.

..and the eggs could be
from anywhere!

Well, they're from chickens,
probably.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got more bad news.

Dr Chang says that fish and chips
is not English either.

According to him, that dish came
to Britain from Spain or Portugal.

Yeah, but it doesn't come
there every day, does it?

What about Welsh rarebit?
Scotch egg?

Irish stew. Lancashire hot pot.
Lancashire hot pot!

Where's that from? The Lebanon?!

And what about the traditional
Christmas dinner?

What does he say about that? This
bloke's a right miserable sod...

Chang told the Radio Times...

Cor!

No, they're not...

And the gravy's from the moon.
Who's listening...

What are we listening
to this bloke for?

Also, it isn't the individual parts,

it's the ensemble. Exactly!

For God's sake, man! To use a good
English word! Yeah, exactly!

PAUL MERTON: The British ensemble.

I'd go round his house and stick a
Cumberland sausage up his letterbox.

Where's that come from, mate?

OK, sticking with breakfast,

what new and exciting condiment
has recently been released?

Could you release condiments?

Yes. Go, the world is yours.

It is...

Urgh. Oh, yes.

Here it is.

AUDIENCE GROANS

"Squeezable runny egg yolk."

IAN: Urgh!

How has this section of
the show been the most traumatic?

Let's have a look at Eggchup
on a sandwich. Look at that.

THEY ALL GROAN

No, no, no.
Look at that, it's lovely!

At least it's not sourdough.

That's not a yolk colour.

Yeah, that looks kind of red-y.

No, you're looking at the wrong bit.

Is it the moat round
the bap castle?

Yes, it's the moat.

What the hell is that stuff then?
What's that then, yeah?

That's Beanchup.

Oh! I don't care what it's been,
what is it now?!

This is the news that a sausage
manufacturer in Yorkshire

has released some new flavoured
ketchups, including Eggchup,

described as...

Very handy, you can just pick it up
and squirt it

directly onto your shirt.

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Just one between you this week.
Your four are...

Diane Abbott,
Worcestershire County Council,

Wigan Athletic Football Club,

and Spinal Tap's Nigel Tufnel.

Nigel Tufnel famously has an amp

that goes up to 11.

Diane Abbott, there was some
mocking accounting nonsense.

Worcestershire County Council,

there's "count" in that.
Is it something to do...?

He's right.

It's got the word "count" in it.
Yeah, he's got there.

That's one of the worst answers
we've ever had.

Thank you very much.

Worcestershire County Council have
failed to count something.

They've failed in something.
What have they failed at?

There's 11 players on a
football team. Yes, that's right.

So that's 11.
Is it something to do with that?

Did they miscount to 11?
It's a good guess though, isn't it?

It's not. Let me tell you.

It's not.

They've all made a mathematical
miscalculation

except for
Worcestershire County Council

who have made a spelling error.

We hope it's "Worcestershire"
and not "County". Yeah.

Oh, no. Can we see?

It wasn't "County". They misspelt
Worcestershire? They must've done.

No. "Council" is the only other word
that mentioned in that three.

Worcestershire County Council
don't just go around

just only writing down the words.

Oh, I see! I misunderstood.

There are other words available
for use by Worcestershire

County Council.
So it's... Inside knowledge.

I'm going to go for Birmingham.
Did they spell that wrong?

I think Jess might have hit
the bull's-eye.

Oh! On a new road sign on the A448

they made this obvious error.

Let's have a look.

Oh, my God!

This is not a new sort of
positive campaign.

From now on it's "Brimingham".

It's "Brimingham".

Despite the error, local papers
reported that many drivers...

Because the speed limit sign had
been misprinted as 200

instead of 20.

Former Shadow Home Secretary Diane
Abbott famously miscalculated

police salaries in the run-up
to the 2017 election,

but what miscalculation put
Wigan Athletic in trouble this week?

Did they put 12 players
on the pitch? No.

Did they put 13 players
on the pitch? No.

Were the goals the wrong size?

The goals were the wrong size.

Yes, exactly that.

They were hosting a game
against Cardiff City

in which it turns out
the crossbar of one goal

was two inches too tall.

But they lost the match with
Cardiff scoring two

in the illegal goal,
including one that...

That can't be right, because it
would've bounced off the crossbar

if it wasn't too tall, well...

The crossbar was lower,
so the ball was higher...

No, I think the crossbar...
I don't care!

Just leave me alone!

How did Spinal Tap guitarist
Nigel Tufnel

once make a catastrophic
mathematical error?

With Stonehenge.
Yes, what did he do?

He put inches instead
of feet on the stage design,

so when Spinal Tap turned up,
Stonehenge was this big.

Time now for the Missing Words Round

which this week features as its
guest publication

Irish Naturist Association
Newsletter.

I'd buy it for the craic.

And we start with...

Is it "presents Pointless"?

"Keeps telling me
to spend more money."

"Keeps making sourdough."

"Keeps telling him
to turn the thermostat up."

Wow. That's bad.

Perhaps he's just reminding him
it's on.

JESS LAUGHS

"UK Gold, Porridge, 7:30."

When the clock strikes 12...

Is it from the Irish Naturist thing
and is it "the crack of dawn"?

Oh, yeah...

It's not "the crack of dawn", but
that would've been a good one.

When the clock strikes 12, the place
to be is the Ring of Kerry.

There you are. When the clock
strikes 12, the place to be is...

ALL: Oh!

Nudists love a New Year's Eve
firework display.

For a few minutes, it solves that
embarrassing question of

where to look.

Is up the anti-growth coalition?

Is it rhubarb? Because it makes a
noise, doesn't it?

It creaks as it grows,
because it grows so fast. Oh!

Like me as a teenager.

Mystery humming sound...

This is the town of Holmfield,
which for two years has been plagued

with a mystery hum that cannot
be identified.

They even consulted with
an independent noise consultant.

But all he could say was "hmm..."

Woman spots what in her curry?

RICHARD: Judy Murray?

JESS LAUGHS

It's going to be a face of somebody.
Virgin Mary.

IAN HISLOP: Elvis.

The face of Charlton Heston.

Paddington. You're more in the same
area with Paddington. Oh, really?

Rupert Bear. Rupert Bear, yeah.
Yeah, you're in...

Rupert Murdoch. Winnie-the-Pooh.

Michael Gove. Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Shrek. Yes!

APPLAUSE

This week, Lisa from Enfield
found the face of Shrek

in her plate of Hariyali
green curry.

Here it is.

LAUGHTER

Lisa keeps seeing faces in her food.

She looked at the curry's
accompanying bread

and all she could see was her nan.

AUDIENCE GROANS

OK, next.

It stretches everything...

Yeah, well... ..out.

Kind of in the right ballpark.

So to speak!

Someone needs to look...

I was going to say someone needs to
look into that. I'll rephrase that.

No.

Claiming he was testing his eyes?

Man gets out of driving
ban by taking his clothes off.

That's good. Yeah.

This is a motorist from Cumbria
who told magistrates he was

doing 53mph on a 30mph zone

because he was getting rid of wasps.

He's been allowed to keep
his licence

but been told to avoid B roads.

Arrested by police in Wigan.

No. Ruins pizza.

That's not that impressive. People
dress entirely up as a pineapple.

What you mean it's not impressive?
Oh, was it not glued on?

Oh, he was balancing. That is more
impressive. Sorry, I take it back.

Moshe Lederfien of Israel has now
completed more than 11 marathons

while balancing
a pineapple on his head.

Let's have a look at him in action.

That is impressive.
I take it back entirely.

I'm not sure there's not some
adhesive going on there. Come on.

You know what I mean? No.

Which is proof that you can do
anything you set your mind to,

as long as you practise,
try hard, and have literally

nothing else going on in your life.

Man mistakes bra for tea cosies and
uses it to keep warm two teapots?

Bowls? Yes.

Oh, is that right? Yes.

How could he mistake it for a bowl?

While on holiday with her family,
Emily Vogel found that her

dad filled the bra cups from her
swimming costume with pretzels.

Here they are.

That's easily done.
Sorry, I'm with you now.

Wait till she finds out he used her
G-string to slice the cheese.

And finally,
the most important thing...

Make sure that you're wearing
clothes. You're almost there.

That can't be right. Yes.

I've seen weirder things in Cork...
Have you?

..than people doing a pub quiz
naked.

I'm trying to think of anything
weirder than doing a pub quiz naked.

And I'm trying to think of a format
I can sell to the BBC.

APPLAUSE

Yes, you could call it Pantless.

LAUGHTER

So, the final scores are...

Ian and Richard, five.

Paul and Jess, six.

Oh, well done. Yes!
We surged in the final third.

But before we go, there's just time
for the Caption Competition.

I've got a SAW head!

On which note we say thank you
to our panellists...

You see, there's two words.
Sore, S-O-R-E...

LAUGHTER

..and saw, S-A-W -
hence the legitimacy of the pun.

LAUGHTER

Don't encourage him,
he'll do it again.

..it's a SAW head.

I asked for a buzz cut.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

That's the one!

On which note we say thank you to
our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Richard Osman,
Paul Merton and Jess Phillips.

And I leave you with news that
Downing Street confirms that

over the next few months,
Liz Truss hopes to meet

all the major world leaders
in person.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

In Norfolk, as energy prices
continue to rise,

locals move to a new residence

to ensure a regular supply
of warm gas.

And at Jacob Rees-Mogg's
townhouse in London,

the hunt continues after his
youngest member of staff

goes missing.

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING