Hart to Hart (1979–1984): Season 3, Episode 11 - Hartless Hobby - full transcript
NARRATOR: This is
my boss, Jonathan Hart,
a self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.
She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.
By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,
'cause when they
met, it was murder.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
WOMAN: No, no. That's crooked.
Can't you see?
That's better.
I think we'll display the
Henley collection over there.
What do you think?
I think you're going to have
a very profitable exhibition.
We're going to
have one, you mean.
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
MAX: Morning, Mrs.
H. Scrambled or fried?
Oh, I don't know,
Max. Surprise me.
I will.
Anything interesting?
Well, let's see. Uh,
there's one for you.
Jennifer, Jennifer.
That's a water and power bill.
Here's another one for you.
And there's, uh, telephone.
Know what this is?
What?
This is a check for that story
I did on the Golden News
in California. Oh?
Not bad.
I'll say not bad.
Little pin money.
I'd say that's a
lot of pin money.
Well, I buy a lot of pins. Hm.
What is your day like?
Well, I'm going around to see
my father's old friend,
Claude Faraday.
He's a stamp collector.
You know, he has that
gallery on Rodeo Drive.
I ran into him the other day.
He's trying to persuade me
to reactivate my old collection.
Well, that might
not be a bad idea.
You know, Claude
said that... collectibles,
like stamps and coins,
have really gone up
in the last few
years. That's true.
They're a very good investment.
Well, I'm gonna see
him this afternoon.
You're welcome to come with me.
I thought you'd never ask.
Stamp collectors are
the nicest sort of people.
You don't say.
[♪♪♪]
You wanna play Post Office?
Eat your breakfast.
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
At last. I was getting worried.
Get lost instead.
[SIGHS]
I want a drink.
Jae, Jae, Jae.
A stamp is the most
beautiful thing in the world.
Would you be
offended if I told you
that at this particular moment,
you don't remind me of a stamp?
Don't be an idiot, Simon.
I have to be back at
the gallery in an hour.
Even so.
Indulge me.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
JAE: You know,
I wouldn't do this
on my lunch hour
for anyone but you.
Has it arrived yet?
I told you. This afternoon.
[MOUTHS] Oh.
Lovely.
Much better.
That prison matron
look doesn't suit you,
besides being a rather
bad omen, don't you think?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Easy for you to joke,
when I'm taking all the risk.
What risk?
You're Claude Faraday's
right hand for two years now.
He'd sooner suspect his mother.
I almost feel sorry for him.
Oh?
Well, try thinking of a million.
That's a dollar sign, a one,
and all those
lovely little zeros.
I have.
I did say, "almost."
Here's the counterfeit.
What do you think?
JAE: Now, that is a magnificent
piece of work.
[♪♪♪]
This is it, the Faraday Gallery.
JONATHAN: Well, I
see what you mean.
Stamp collecting
isn't just for kids.
Looks like they're getting
ready for their exhibition.
Claude said that people
come from all over the world
just to buy a stamp or two.
And drop more than a
coin or two in the process,
I would imagine.
I would imagine.
But then all the best
things in life aren't free.
I hope she's not
undressing me with her eyes.
Careful, I'll have
her frisk you.
Hm. Oh, there's Claude.
My dear girl, how are you?
Well. Oh, I apologize
for the security.
My, uh, insurance
company insists.
And this must be the
lucky man, Jonathan.
No argument there. How
do you do, Mr. Faraday?
Call me Claude, please.
You must have some
very valuable stamps
on the premises, Claude.
Especially today.
The Nyanza
Vermilion just arrived.
You must have seen
the armored truck outside.
Yes, we did.
What's all this?
FARADAY: Well, we
have to be very careful
with the Vermilion
on the premises.
I usually keep it locked
up in the bank's vault,
but this, uh... This new
equipment is very reassuring.
It's our new toy.
Let me show you.
It's all right, Babs.
[ALARM RINGS]
[ALARM RINGS]
You're not carrying a
gun, are you, Claude?
[LAUGHS]
Stamp ink. It
triggers the alarm.
[ALARM RINGS] If anyone tries
to smuggle out a stamp...
Well, I hate to be suspicious,
but you know people.
Yes. We've had a few
experiences of our own.
Claude, is everything all
right? I heard the alarm.
Oh, everything's fine.
Just giving a little
demonstration for my friends.
Oh, I see. Uh, Jae...
these are the Harts.
Jae Turner, my right hand.
Hello. How do you do?
Hello. Jae will be able
to help you in the future
with your inquiries. Oh.
She's, uh, well, my
second self, aren't you, Jae?
Oh. That's sweet. [CHUCKLES]
But if you'll excuse me,
I must finish addressing
the invitations.
Very nice to meet you.
Thank you. What
a lifesaver she is.
[CHUCKLES]
Now... uh, where were we?
Oh, yes.
I have just the thing
for your nest egg.
Oh.
[♪♪♪]
There's nothing
like the real thing.
Not even a handmade imitation.
Oh, they really are beautiful.
I had no idea.
Little masterpieces.
The engraving is
incredibly detailed.
FARADAY: They really are gems.
But not all the pretty ones
are valuable, you know.
The fabulous
Magenta, for example,
is very ugly,
but it's worth
hundreds of thousands.
Rarity... and beauty.
Those are the legends.
Like the, uh, Vermilion?
Uh, I... I can't resist.
Would you like a peek?
[GASPS]
We thought you'd never ask.
[♪♪♪]
Sealed with a kiss.
[DOOR OPENS]
Private showing, Jae.
Oh, I was, uh...
Uh, just finishing up
on the invitations.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, of course. Fine.
Thank you, my dear.
There you are. This
Friday. Now, you must come.
JENNIFER: All right.
Oh, Claude. This one's
already stamped. Why waste it?
You can give us another.
JAE: Good idea, Mrs. Hart.
FARADAY: No. No, no.
Your first stamp from
the Faraday Gallery.
Ah.
That's the first time I
had a good look at it
since it arrived from the bank.
Hm.
A $1 million stamp.
That must be one
of the most valuable
stamps in the world.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God.
Something wrong?
It's a fake.
Are you sure?
It's a good one,
but it's a fake.
Well, maybe you'd
better call the police.
Do you think that's
wise, Claude?
There's more at stake
than the Vermilion, Mr. Hart.
The reputation of
the gallery to consider.
We make our living by
our clients' trust in us.
Yeah, she's right.
Why, this Friday alone,
we'll have $2 million
worth of stamps here
on loan or consignment...
from collectors who
trust us to keep them safe.
And I was careless.
I should have examined the stamp
the moment it
arrived from the bank.
Uh, excuse me,
Claude, but, uh...
can you afford
this kind of a loss?
[SIGHS]
Well, I can for a few days.
I'll call in the
insurance people,
along with the police,
but after the exhibition.
I can't lose the Vermilion
and my reputation.
When would something
like this happen?
Could have been
switched at the bank
or on the armored truck.
If we can possibly do
anything to help, Claude,
please don't
hesitate to call us.
FARADAY: Thank you.
Bye. Bye-bye.
[ALARM RINGS] Oh. Never mind.
Do...? It's just that stamp.
Why don't I take that?
All right.
Wait a minute. Oh.
I'd better take the invitation.
Oh. Uh, th... This
one's all bent.
Why don't you let me
get you a fresh one?
Oh, that doesn't matter.
We're practically family
anyway, aren't we?
You will let us in
with a bent invitation?
Heh. Of course.
Well... we'll see
you Friday then.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Claude.
And, uh, relax.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: This says it's
the most valuable stamp...
in the world.
Sold to Claude
Faraday early last year
in Paris for a little
under a million dollars.
Poor Claude.
JONATHAN: It's from
French-African Nyanza,
a short-lived colony around
the turn of the century.
And it's rumored to bring
bad luck to the possessor.
Like the Hope Diamond.
Uh, speaking of hope,
how much longer?
Fifty-eight, 59...
Now, it's a good thing
I'm a soul of patience.
98, 99, a hundred.
Well... [INHALES, SIGHS]
what do you think?
Oh, big difference.
[SCOFFS]
[♪♪♪]
You should've locked the
office door during the switch.
It would've looked suspicious.
Is it better to look
stupid, incompetent,
and a million dollars
down the hole?
All right, let me think.
I've been doing
a little research
on Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Hart
of Willow Palm Drive, Bel Air.
And...?
McCoy... you'll have
to search the house first.
Now, there's a houseman
and a dog to take care of.
You think he can he handle it?
And if it's not in the house...
Mrs. Hart probably
has it in her purse.
I think McCoy can, uh...
charm her out of it.
[CHUCKLES] Don't make me laugh.
I don't plan to.
McCoy has quite a
way with the ladies.
A real heartbreaker,
if you'll forgive the pun.
I think Mrs. Hart may
find that out rather soon.
[PATS ON ARM]
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: Darling,
better start getting ready.
The bank opens in an hour.
[MOANS] Uh-huh.
Oh. You smell so good.
Oh. Thank you. Mm-hm.
Did you say the bank
doesn't open for an hour?
Yeah, that's the point.
It's easy to keep
things unofficial...
outside of business hours.
Mm. Then it doesn't hurt matters
that the bank manager's
your old golfing buddy.
Now, let me tell you
something about Bill Rather.
He is no Arnold
Palmer, but, uh...
he does run his bank up to par.
I just can't imagine
them switching
the stamps at the bank.
[SIGHS]
I love to watch you shave.
Well... you better
start getting ready.
Mm-hm.
After all, we are
going to see a banker.
And we don't want
our credit rating to fall.
Your credit rating
will never fall.
Will you cut that
out? [CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
JENNIFER: It's
awfully nice of you
to bend the
rules like this, Bill.
No, it's a pleasure, Jennifer.
Now, Claude is sure it's a fake?
Absolutely, don't you think?
Mm-hm.
The stamp arrived...
from Claude's, uh,
Paris bank on Monday.
JENNIFER: Two days ago. Right.
See?
Now, there's Claude's signature.
He examined the stamp in
the vault the day it arrived.
And he didn't examine it
when it arrived at
the gallery yesterday?
Jonathan, are you thinking that
the switch may have occurred
during the two days
that the stamp was here?
Hm. That's exactly
what I'm thinking, Bill.
BILL: It is a possibility.
It's a very remote possibility.
But, uh, I don't think so.
Stamp was genuine
when it left us
yesterday afternoon.
What about the truck?
The armored truck?
Could the switch
have taken place then?
No, I don't think so, Jennifer.
We've... We've been using
the Burke Security System
for 20 years. I'll
call over there,
but they routinely
polygraph their men
if there's any problem
on a shipment.
You will keep this confidential?
All in the family.
Ah. Thanks. Darling.
We appreciate it
very much. Prove it.
Next time we play golf,
you miss a putt or two.
[CHUCKLES]
Bye-bye, Bill. Bye, Jennifer.
Bye, Jonathan.
The only way to find out
when the switch occurred...
is to trace the Vermilion
through its journey yesterday.
From the bank to
the armored truck?
Well, Bill will
take care of that.
But let's suppose that
the genuine Vermilion
reached the gallery. Then what?
Well, then the
driver of the truck
gave it to Claude.
Or to Jae, or to one
of the gallery guards.
There's no one above suspicion?
Only you are above suspicion.
Oh. Well, thank you very much.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE STARTS]
Miss Turner?
Oh.
Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
What brings you here?
Well, uh, we wanted to
ask you who the guard was
that was on duty yesterday
when the Vermilion
was delivered.
Um, they work a split shift.
The same one that
was on duty last night
will be here this evening. Why?
Well, we were just at the bank,
and there's a good chance that
the genuine Vermilion
was delivered here.
And with, uh,
Claude's permission,
we'd like to talk to the guard
and ask him some questions.
Claude's not here.
He's in the hospital.
In the hospital? What for?
[SIGHS] This whole business
has upset him terribly.
His heart's not very
strong, you know.
His heart?
Which hospital is it?
County General Hospital.
Wh... When did this
all...? All this happen?
This morning.
He started to have chest
pains, so I called an ambulance.
Well, we'll go by and
see him this afternoon.
Oh, that would be very nice.
But, please, don't
bring up the Vermilion.
[SIGHS] It would only
make things worse.
We won't. Um...
thanks very much.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Goodbye.
[DOOR OPENS]
[PHONE LINE RINGS]
Room 314, please.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
JAE: Hello, Simon.
The Harts were just here.
They're going to see Claude.
Aren't they sweet?
They've been to the bank.
They suspect the
stamp was genuine
when it arrived at the gallery.
Well, maybe they'll think
some guard switched it...
or a safecracking customer.
But I'm the only one who knew
which drawer it
was in in the safe.
If Claude hears the switch
occurred in the gallery,
he'll know who did it.
Then make sure he
doesn't hear about it.
Me?
Why do I have to
do all the dirty work?
Because you're
making all the mistakes.
If the Harts hadn't gotten
their hands on that invitation,
we'd be in Rio right now.
As it is, you'll have
to send Claude
on a little trip instead.
[PHONE LINE CLICKS DEAD]
[♪♪♪]
[CAR STARTS]
[FREEWAY BARKING]
[FREEWAY WHIMPERING]
[BARKING]
Hi there, pooch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heh.
Yeah, that's a
nice little doggie.
Come here. Come here, poochie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me talk to you.
Come here. There's a nice doggy.
[CHUCKLES]
Let's see. Let's
find a little place
for you to sit, huh?
All right, just a second.
How about in here?
Yeah. How about right in there?
Stay right there, okay?
That's a good dog.
[FREEWAY BARKS]
[CAR DOORS CLOSE]
Max? Freeway?
Oh, they must
have gone shopping.
Do you think Claude's
gonna like these?
Of course.
There's nothing like
an American Beauty.
You don't have to convince me.
Ah. I'll be right back. Heh-heh.
I just have to get my sweater.
I'll call the hospital and check
on the visiting hours.
[DIALING]
[♪♪♪]
[DOOR OPENS]
Darling?
We're right on schedule.
Visiting hours in 15 minutes.
Coming.
What are you doing with that?
I just wanted to leave
it here by the door
so we don't forget to take it.
[FREEWAY WHIMPERING]
What's that?
[WHIMPERING]
It sounds like Freeway.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Freeway.
[WHIMPERING]
Freeway. Hello, baby.
How did you get in there?
Or better yet... how
did he close the door?
Idiot.
The world's most valuable stamp,
and I'm dealing with idiots.
Why didn't you just take it?
Well, I would've had
to kill the two of them.
Both.
Your grasp of numbers amazes me.
Well, we've got work.
What about that guard
they wanted to question?
Walker? He's on duty tonight.
Good. Call the Harts,
make sure they know
he's available for questioning.
And you, my friend. I want
you to pull yourself together...
because I want that stamp.
I'm not interested
in a body count.
And you and the Harts
had better hope that
Jennifer brings her purse.
[♪♪♪]
The alarm was turned off,
and the lock was picked.
But nothing is missing
as far as I can tell.
But I'd sure like to get
my hands on the creep
that locked up
Freeway like that.
Yeah. So would we, Max.
Come on, Freeway.
I'll get you some dinner.
Well, darling, let's get
back down to the gallery.
We can question that guard.
Jae said he'd be back
on duty around 10.
Let's go.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
There he is.
Uh, Mr. Walker.
JENNIFER: Mr. Walker, we're
the Harts, friends of Mr. Far...
[GASPS] Are you all right?
Yeah.
Seems like someone
doesn't want us to be involved.
Then why would he
want to take my purse?
[♪♪♪]
Don't even think of
holding out on me, McCoy.
I'm not, boss. I
saw her put it in.
You two are a comedy of errors.
The joke's gone stale.
Look, Simon. At least
they don't know they have it.
They wouldn't take such chances
with the stamp if they knew.
Yes, well after the masked
marauder's performance tonight,
I think it might
occur to them that
they got something
somebody wants.
Well, what if we...?
Never mind "what if."
What if we lie low, hm?
Just make sure the
police aren't called in
and that the Harts attend
that exhibition tomorrow.
And you...
why don't you get
out of my sight?
I... I could check
the house again.
As your last act here on earth.
I'll get the invitation when
they come to the exhibition.
But I'll handle it, understand?
My way.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: No, Jae, we're fine.
Thanks very much
for your concern.
Yes, uh, we'll
remember to bring it.
See you tonight.
Bye.
She's concerned that
last night's jamboree
might prevent us from
attending the reception.
Oh. That was very nice
of her to call, wasn't it?
Well, I'm not so sure.
She's the only one that knew
that we would be at
the gallery last night.
You don't think
she's in on it, do you?
Well, let's just say that
her chances for winning
the employee of the
month award are a little dim.
Yes, but the guard said
that he personally escorted
Claude and the
stamp to the safe.
So the switch couldn't
have been made there.
Mm-hm.
But if she did
switch the stamps,
then why is she still
hanging around town?
And how did she get the
stamps out of the gallery
and past the electronic sensors?
Hm. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
I have the Harper
contracts, Mr. Hart.
JONATHAN: Oh, thanks
very much, Stanley.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Hart.
Hello, Stanley.
Well, darling, maybe
we ought to retire
the Jennifer Hart
stamp collection.
Mrs. Hart, I didn't know
you were a fellow enthusiast?
Yes. Are you a
collector, Stanley?
Oh, yes, Mrs. Hart.
Philately is my passion.
You know, Stanley, you
might be able to help us out.
We need a little background
on the stamp scene
in Los Angeles.
Do you know the Faraday Gallery?
Yes, I couldn't believe
what I read in the papers.
I've been a customer of
Mr. Faraday's for years.
What about, uh, Jae Turner?
I don't know much about her.
It's funny, she
always seems so busy
whenever I come into the shop.
Mr. Faraday said
she was his right hand.
She was. She was
the only one he trusted
with the combination
to the safe.
That's funny.
She told us that
she couldn't open it.
Maybe he changed
the combination.
Maybe. Well,
thanks a lot, Stanley.
We'd better get home and
get ready for the exhibition.
Uh, you're going too? It...
It... It's my very first one.
It's very exclusive. Mm.
Well, then you'd better
knock off early, Stanley.
You don't want to be late.
Gee, thanks, Mr. Hart,
but duty before
philately, I always say.
This should be fun,
swapping stamp
stories with you all night.
[♪♪♪]
[FREEWAY WHIMPERING]
How can I turn down that face?
Okay, Freeway.
I'm ready for my walk.
[DOOR CLOSES]
How would you like to
play a game with me?
Jonathan.
Let's say...
that Jae switched the
stamp in the gallery.
All right.
And she managed
to smuggle it out.
All right.
And now... somebody is after us
because they
think that we have it.
How could we have it?
What did we take out
of the gallery that day?
Nothing. Except the invitation.
Exactly. That's what struck
me about Stanley's invitation.
Why does ours have such a
large stamp in the corner. Hm?
Well, I don't know.
Let's go take a look at it.
Jonathan.
It's gone.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. H.
Hi, Max. Max... We
took care of the mail.
Max, what happened to the
card that was on that tray?
Well, I guess it got mixed up
with the letters
and I mailed it.
Well, then it's in the
mailbox at the gate. Oh.
No, I got lucky.
Made the 3:00 pickup
at the mailbox on the corner.
Excuse us, Max.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, there's a pickup at 5.
[♪♪♪]
Jonathan.
We'll make it.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[HORN HONKS]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[HONKING]
[HONKS]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Don.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
Gee, you scared me.
Did I do something wrong?
Oh, no, no, no.
No. No, no, nothing.
Uh, it's just that, you
see, we were mailing
some letters, and
in among the letters
was a... A card that I,
heh... I failed to address.
Do you mind if I
look for it in your bag?
Oh, sure, sure,
sure. Go right ahead.
Oh. How's the family?
Great. Great. Good.
Did you get my note?
What note was that?
I delivered it myself.
Thank-you note
for the turkey you gave
us for Thanksgiving.
Oh, yes. Yes.
JONATHAN: Find it, darling?
Here it is. You see?
Ha. No address.
Right. Well, thanks
an awful lot, Don.
Sure. Sure.
It was really good. What?
The turkey. JENNIFER: Oh, good.
Yeah. We had about
four meals out of it.
JONATHAN: Give
our best to the family.
Will do. Will do.
Maybe we can get
together. [ENGINE STARTS]
Real soon.
Gee, she's pretty.
What if we're wrong?
Then you lost a
purse for nothing.
Be careful.
JENNIFER: Voilà.
The million-dollar Vermilion.
I think they put a little
too much postage on it.
A million dollars too much.
[♪♪♪]
There's no way we can
prove that Jae stole that stamp.
She'll have to
blow her own cover.
And I'll bet she'll do that
when she steams this stamp off
and finds out that we've
been there before her.
So, we'll hand this
million-dollar murder motive
to her security consultants...
and I will keep the real
Vermilion with me, hm?
I've never been to a
stamp exhibition before.
Which one should I wear?
The red.
Then I'll have, uh...
two Vermilions to my credit.
So I'm competing with
an 80-year-old stamp?
But beautifully.
Tsk.
[♪♪♪]
You understand the game?
Yeah. I understand.
Yes, well, we live in hope.
There's money in
the account for you
if you don't foul up.
And you can meet me in Rio
next month. [DOOR OPENS]
You know where. Meet us in Rio.
SIMON: Darling, you look lovely.
Thank you.
I was telling McCoy
to shoot straight.
Yeah. Right through the Harts.
Tsk.
That's very good, McCoy.
Come on. You can
change at the gallery.
We'll see you there, Simon.
SIMON: Mm-hm.
Very amusing.
I shall miss you...
both.
[♪♪♪]
[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
What a charming bunch
we stamp collectors are.
I'll be glad when it's over.
I wonder. Hm?
I wonder, hadn't you
better go to the door?
We don't want to miss
our friends, do we?
All right.
Oh, there she is.
Look at that glint in her eye.
Maybe an attack
of hostess nerves.
Ah. Your invitation, Mr. Hart?
Good evening. I'll
take your invitation.
Uh, Jonathan. The invitation.
Don't you have the invitation?
Me? Well, no.
Well, where would I put it?
Now, that's a point.
Maybe it's in the car.
Oh, we'll be happy to have
your car brought around,
if necessary.
Oh. I've got it.
Jonathan always knows
where to lay his hands on things.
Thank you, sir. Oh.
Look at that. I
never noticed that.
Isn't that a pretty stamp?
JONATHAN: Yes, that is pretty.
Would you mind if
I keep this stamp?
I collect commemorative stamps.
Well, why don't you just
let me get you a fresh one?
Jae... will you
come here, please?
Oh. Uh, excuse me.
I'll be back in a moment.
Well, darling.
Shall we go look at
some pretty stamps?
I think we better.
Oh, excuse me. Would you
check this for me, please?
Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
Oh, hi, Stanley. Oh, Stanley.
Hazel, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
How do you do?
[DITSY VOICE] A
pleasure, I'm sure.
Thank you very much.
Nice to meet you.
Uh, we were gonna
drop by Hazel's later on
to look at her topicals.
Her topicals?
Uh, stamps, darling.
Right. Stamps.
Well, I guess we better
be moving on. Heh.
Heh.
Well, nice to have met you.
A pleasure, I'm sure.
That was kind of typical, huh?
Of Stanley or the topicals?
Oh, aren't these lovely?
SIMON: At last.
Get them in here.
Look at this.
A bargain at 75,000.
Excuse me for interrupting,
but I'd like a word
with you, if I may.
We can talk in the office.
Maybe our friend Jae has
been doing some steaming.
I'd like to come to terms.
We have a few of
our own. Name them.
Well, first, we'd
like to have the truth.
Who did you steal
that stamp for?
And what do I get in return?
Well, we might
be able to make it
a little easier for you
with the district attorney
than what you deserve.
All right.
But I'll go you one better.
I'll show you who I did it for.
[♪♪♪]
It's naughty to
eavesdrop. Forgive me.
My name is, uh, Ritchardson.
Simon Ritchardson.
And... I want my stamp.
Badly enough to kill people?
Badly enough to kill
any number of people.
Well, I think that'd
be a little difficult.
I mean there are
guards downstairs.
Not to mention the guests.
Uh, Jae.
[KNOCKS]
Now, you may not recognize him
without nylon stretched across
his pretty features.
My congratulations to
your boxing instructor.
But that was a good idea about
the, uh, witnesses downstairs.
McCoy.
So...
I'll say it once more.
I want my stamp.
JONATHAN: You don't really think
you're going to get
away with this, do you?
With all the guests
downstairs, the guards,
the electric sensors.
You'll never make it.
Yes, well, people
tend to disregard...
annoying little buzzers
when there's a fire going on.
Especially, uh,
stamp collectors.
We hate fires.
No, no, no. Not you,
dear. Over there.
What? You... Why
take a stamp half-price
when I can get it for free?
McCoy... You miserable creep.
Take care of Miss Greed too.
And now for my big performance.
[ALARM RINGING] No!
[GRUNTING]
Run!
Fire! [SCREAMS]
Everybody out!
Hurry now.
Gotta see a man about a fire.
[DOOR OPENS]
Come on, folks. Hurry now.
Move, move, move.
[♪♪♪]
Uh, Mr. Hart, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
But I think next time,
we ought to stick to
stocks and bonds, Stanley.
Oh. Well, now that's
what I call a pair
of million-dollar legs.
[♪♪♪]
Well, darling... here's to us.
To us. After all
we've been through,
we deserve it.
Well... we did get
the Vermilion back.
Mm. But they
still took my purse.
Your purse? Mm-hm.
Well, you can buy a new one.
Oh, I know that.
But... it wasn't
actually the purse.
It was what was
inside the purse.
What was inside of it?
My pledge for the
Easter Seal fund.
Oh. Believe me,
you're good for it.
They know that, just like I do.
A pledge is forever.
Hm.
You're very reassuring.
Oh. Thanks.
You know, um...
the world of stamps
is not all that bad.
No. Not if you don't mind...
robberies, burglaries
and muggings.
Look on the bright side.
What bright side?
There's always a friendly game
of Post Office.
Did you ever think of that?
No, I never did think of that.
Mwah.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
my boss, Jonathan Hart,
a self-made millionaire.
He's quite a guy.
This is Mrs. H. She's gorgeous.
She's one lady who knows
how to take care of herself.
By the way, my name is Max.
I take care of both of
them, which ain't easy,
'cause when they
met, it was murder.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
WOMAN: No, no. That's crooked.
Can't you see?
That's better.
I think we'll display the
Henley collection over there.
What do you think?
I think you're going to have
a very profitable exhibition.
We're going to
have one, you mean.
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
MAX: Morning, Mrs.
H. Scrambled or fried?
Oh, I don't know,
Max. Surprise me.
I will.
Anything interesting?
Well, let's see. Uh,
there's one for you.
Jennifer, Jennifer.
That's a water and power bill.
Here's another one for you.
And there's, uh, telephone.
Know what this is?
What?
This is a check for that story
I did on the Golden News
in California. Oh?
Not bad.
I'll say not bad.
Little pin money.
I'd say that's a
lot of pin money.
Well, I buy a lot of pins. Hm.
What is your day like?
Well, I'm going around to see
my father's old friend,
Claude Faraday.
He's a stamp collector.
You know, he has that
gallery on Rodeo Drive.
I ran into him the other day.
He's trying to persuade me
to reactivate my old collection.
Well, that might
not be a bad idea.
You know, Claude
said that... collectibles,
like stamps and coins,
have really gone up
in the last few
years. That's true.
They're a very good investment.
Well, I'm gonna see
him this afternoon.
You're welcome to come with me.
I thought you'd never ask.
Stamp collectors are
the nicest sort of people.
You don't say.
[♪♪♪]
You wanna play Post Office?
Eat your breakfast.
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
At last. I was getting worried.
Get lost instead.
[SIGHS]
I want a drink.
Jae, Jae, Jae.
A stamp is the most
beautiful thing in the world.
Would you be
offended if I told you
that at this particular moment,
you don't remind me of a stamp?
Don't be an idiot, Simon.
I have to be back at
the gallery in an hour.
Even so.
Indulge me.
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
JAE: You know,
I wouldn't do this
on my lunch hour
for anyone but you.
Has it arrived yet?
I told you. This afternoon.
[MOUTHS] Oh.
Lovely.
Much better.
That prison matron
look doesn't suit you,
besides being a rather
bad omen, don't you think?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Easy for you to joke,
when I'm taking all the risk.
What risk?
You're Claude Faraday's
right hand for two years now.
He'd sooner suspect his mother.
I almost feel sorry for him.
Oh?
Well, try thinking of a million.
That's a dollar sign, a one,
and all those
lovely little zeros.
I have.
I did say, "almost."
Here's the counterfeit.
What do you think?
JAE: Now, that is a magnificent
piece of work.
[♪♪♪]
This is it, the Faraday Gallery.
JONATHAN: Well, I
see what you mean.
Stamp collecting
isn't just for kids.
Looks like they're getting
ready for their exhibition.
Claude said that people
come from all over the world
just to buy a stamp or two.
And drop more than a
coin or two in the process,
I would imagine.
I would imagine.
But then all the best
things in life aren't free.
I hope she's not
undressing me with her eyes.
Careful, I'll have
her frisk you.
Hm. Oh, there's Claude.
My dear girl, how are you?
Well. Oh, I apologize
for the security.
My, uh, insurance
company insists.
And this must be the
lucky man, Jonathan.
No argument there. How
do you do, Mr. Faraday?
Call me Claude, please.
You must have some
very valuable stamps
on the premises, Claude.
Especially today.
The Nyanza
Vermilion just arrived.
You must have seen
the armored truck outside.
Yes, we did.
What's all this?
FARADAY: Well, we
have to be very careful
with the Vermilion
on the premises.
I usually keep it locked
up in the bank's vault,
but this, uh... This new
equipment is very reassuring.
It's our new toy.
Let me show you.
It's all right, Babs.
[ALARM RINGS]
[ALARM RINGS]
You're not carrying a
gun, are you, Claude?
[LAUGHS]
Stamp ink. It
triggers the alarm.
[ALARM RINGS] If anyone tries
to smuggle out a stamp...
Well, I hate to be suspicious,
but you know people.
Yes. We've had a few
experiences of our own.
Claude, is everything all
right? I heard the alarm.
Oh, everything's fine.
Just giving a little
demonstration for my friends.
Oh, I see. Uh, Jae...
these are the Harts.
Jae Turner, my right hand.
Hello. How do you do?
Hello. Jae will be able
to help you in the future
with your inquiries. Oh.
She's, uh, well, my
second self, aren't you, Jae?
Oh. That's sweet. [CHUCKLES]
But if you'll excuse me,
I must finish addressing
the invitations.
Very nice to meet you.
Thank you. What
a lifesaver she is.
[CHUCKLES]
Now... uh, where were we?
Oh, yes.
I have just the thing
for your nest egg.
Oh.
[♪♪♪]
There's nothing
like the real thing.
Not even a handmade imitation.
Oh, they really are beautiful.
I had no idea.
Little masterpieces.
The engraving is
incredibly detailed.
FARADAY: They really are gems.
But not all the pretty ones
are valuable, you know.
The fabulous
Magenta, for example,
is very ugly,
but it's worth
hundreds of thousands.
Rarity... and beauty.
Those are the legends.
Like the, uh, Vermilion?
Uh, I... I can't resist.
Would you like a peek?
[GASPS]
We thought you'd never ask.
[♪♪♪]
Sealed with a kiss.
[DOOR OPENS]
Private showing, Jae.
Oh, I was, uh...
Uh, just finishing up
on the invitations.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, of course. Fine.
Thank you, my dear.
There you are. This
Friday. Now, you must come.
JENNIFER: All right.
Oh, Claude. This one's
already stamped. Why waste it?
You can give us another.
JAE: Good idea, Mrs. Hart.
FARADAY: No. No, no.
Your first stamp from
the Faraday Gallery.
Ah.
That's the first time I
had a good look at it
since it arrived from the bank.
Hm.
A $1 million stamp.
That must be one
of the most valuable
stamps in the world.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, my God.
Something wrong?
It's a fake.
Are you sure?
It's a good one,
but it's a fake.
Well, maybe you'd
better call the police.
Do you think that's
wise, Claude?
There's more at stake
than the Vermilion, Mr. Hart.
The reputation of
the gallery to consider.
We make our living by
our clients' trust in us.
Yeah, she's right.
Why, this Friday alone,
we'll have $2 million
worth of stamps here
on loan or consignment...
from collectors who
trust us to keep them safe.
And I was careless.
I should have examined the stamp
the moment it
arrived from the bank.
Uh, excuse me,
Claude, but, uh...
can you afford
this kind of a loss?
[SIGHS]
Well, I can for a few days.
I'll call in the
insurance people,
along with the police,
but after the exhibition.
I can't lose the Vermilion
and my reputation.
When would something
like this happen?
Could have been
switched at the bank
or on the armored truck.
If we can possibly do
anything to help, Claude,
please don't
hesitate to call us.
FARADAY: Thank you.
Bye. Bye-bye.
[ALARM RINGS] Oh. Never mind.
Do...? It's just that stamp.
Why don't I take that?
All right.
Wait a minute. Oh.
I'd better take the invitation.
Oh. Uh, th... This
one's all bent.
Why don't you let me
get you a fresh one?
Oh, that doesn't matter.
We're practically family
anyway, aren't we?
You will let us in
with a bent invitation?
Heh. Of course.
Well... we'll see
you Friday then.
Bye-bye.
Bye, Claude.
And, uh, relax.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: This says it's
the most valuable stamp...
in the world.
Sold to Claude
Faraday early last year
in Paris for a little
under a million dollars.
Poor Claude.
JONATHAN: It's from
French-African Nyanza,
a short-lived colony around
the turn of the century.
And it's rumored to bring
bad luck to the possessor.
Like the Hope Diamond.
Uh, speaking of hope,
how much longer?
Fifty-eight, 59...
Now, it's a good thing
I'm a soul of patience.
98, 99, a hundred.
Well... [INHALES, SIGHS]
what do you think?
Oh, big difference.
[SCOFFS]
[♪♪♪]
You should've locked the
office door during the switch.
It would've looked suspicious.
Is it better to look
stupid, incompetent,
and a million dollars
down the hole?
All right, let me think.
I've been doing
a little research
on Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Hart
of Willow Palm Drive, Bel Air.
And...?
McCoy... you'll have
to search the house first.
Now, there's a houseman
and a dog to take care of.
You think he can he handle it?
And if it's not in the house...
Mrs. Hart probably
has it in her purse.
I think McCoy can, uh...
charm her out of it.
[CHUCKLES] Don't make me laugh.
I don't plan to.
McCoy has quite a
way with the ladies.
A real heartbreaker,
if you'll forgive the pun.
I think Mrs. Hart may
find that out rather soon.
[PATS ON ARM]
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: Darling,
better start getting ready.
The bank opens in an hour.
[MOANS] Uh-huh.
Oh. You smell so good.
Oh. Thank you. Mm-hm.
Did you say the bank
doesn't open for an hour?
Yeah, that's the point.
It's easy to keep
things unofficial...
outside of business hours.
Mm. Then it doesn't hurt matters
that the bank manager's
your old golfing buddy.
Now, let me tell you
something about Bill Rather.
He is no Arnold
Palmer, but, uh...
he does run his bank up to par.
I just can't imagine
them switching
the stamps at the bank.
[SIGHS]
I love to watch you shave.
Well... you better
start getting ready.
Mm-hm.
After all, we are
going to see a banker.
And we don't want
our credit rating to fall.
Your credit rating
will never fall.
Will you cut that
out? [CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
JENNIFER: It's
awfully nice of you
to bend the
rules like this, Bill.
No, it's a pleasure, Jennifer.
Now, Claude is sure it's a fake?
Absolutely, don't you think?
Mm-hm.
The stamp arrived...
from Claude's, uh,
Paris bank on Monday.
JENNIFER: Two days ago. Right.
See?
Now, there's Claude's signature.
He examined the stamp in
the vault the day it arrived.
And he didn't examine it
when it arrived at
the gallery yesterday?
Jonathan, are you thinking that
the switch may have occurred
during the two days
that the stamp was here?
Hm. That's exactly
what I'm thinking, Bill.
BILL: It is a possibility.
It's a very remote possibility.
But, uh, I don't think so.
Stamp was genuine
when it left us
yesterday afternoon.
What about the truck?
The armored truck?
Could the switch
have taken place then?
No, I don't think so, Jennifer.
We've... We've been using
the Burke Security System
for 20 years. I'll
call over there,
but they routinely
polygraph their men
if there's any problem
on a shipment.
You will keep this confidential?
All in the family.
Ah. Thanks. Darling.
We appreciate it
very much. Prove it.
Next time we play golf,
you miss a putt or two.
[CHUCKLES]
Bye-bye, Bill. Bye, Jennifer.
Bye, Jonathan.
The only way to find out
when the switch occurred...
is to trace the Vermilion
through its journey yesterday.
From the bank to
the armored truck?
Well, Bill will
take care of that.
But let's suppose that
the genuine Vermilion
reached the gallery. Then what?
Well, then the
driver of the truck
gave it to Claude.
Or to Jae, or to one
of the gallery guards.
There's no one above suspicion?
Only you are above suspicion.
Oh. Well, thank you very much.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
[ENGINE STARTS]
Miss Turner?
Oh.
Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
What brings you here?
Well, uh, we wanted to
ask you who the guard was
that was on duty yesterday
when the Vermilion
was delivered.
Um, they work a split shift.
The same one that
was on duty last night
will be here this evening. Why?
Well, we were just at the bank,
and there's a good chance that
the genuine Vermilion
was delivered here.
And with, uh,
Claude's permission,
we'd like to talk to the guard
and ask him some questions.
Claude's not here.
He's in the hospital.
In the hospital? What for?
[SIGHS] This whole business
has upset him terribly.
His heart's not very
strong, you know.
His heart?
Which hospital is it?
County General Hospital.
Wh... When did this
all...? All this happen?
This morning.
He started to have chest
pains, so I called an ambulance.
Well, we'll go by and
see him this afternoon.
Oh, that would be very nice.
But, please, don't
bring up the Vermilion.
[SIGHS] It would only
make things worse.
We won't. Um...
thanks very much.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Goodbye.
[DOOR OPENS]
[PHONE LINE RINGS]
Room 314, please.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
JAE: Hello, Simon.
The Harts were just here.
They're going to see Claude.
Aren't they sweet?
They've been to the bank.
They suspect the
stamp was genuine
when it arrived at the gallery.
Well, maybe they'll think
some guard switched it...
or a safecracking customer.
But I'm the only one who knew
which drawer it
was in in the safe.
If Claude hears the switch
occurred in the gallery,
he'll know who did it.
Then make sure he
doesn't hear about it.
Me?
Why do I have to
do all the dirty work?
Because you're
making all the mistakes.
If the Harts hadn't gotten
their hands on that invitation,
we'd be in Rio right now.
As it is, you'll have
to send Claude
on a little trip instead.
[PHONE LINE CLICKS DEAD]
[♪♪♪]
[CAR STARTS]
[FREEWAY BARKING]
[FREEWAY WHIMPERING]
[BARKING]
Hi there, pooch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heh.
Yeah, that's a
nice little doggie.
Come here. Come here, poochie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me talk to you.
Come here. There's a nice doggy.
[CHUCKLES]
Let's see. Let's
find a little place
for you to sit, huh?
All right, just a second.
How about in here?
Yeah. How about right in there?
Stay right there, okay?
That's a good dog.
[FREEWAY BARKS]
[CAR DOORS CLOSE]
Max? Freeway?
Oh, they must
have gone shopping.
Do you think Claude's
gonna like these?
Of course.
There's nothing like
an American Beauty.
You don't have to convince me.
Ah. I'll be right back. Heh-heh.
I just have to get my sweater.
I'll call the hospital and check
on the visiting hours.
[DIALING]
[♪♪♪]
[DOOR OPENS]
Darling?
We're right on schedule.
Visiting hours in 15 minutes.
Coming.
What are you doing with that?
I just wanted to leave
it here by the door
so we don't forget to take it.
[FREEWAY WHIMPERING]
What's that?
[WHIMPERING]
It sounds like Freeway.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[DOOR OPENS]
Freeway.
[WHIMPERING]
Freeway. Hello, baby.
How did you get in there?
Or better yet... how
did he close the door?
Idiot.
The world's most valuable stamp,
and I'm dealing with idiots.
Why didn't you just take it?
Well, I would've had
to kill the two of them.
Both.
Your grasp of numbers amazes me.
Well, we've got work.
What about that guard
they wanted to question?
Walker? He's on duty tonight.
Good. Call the Harts,
make sure they know
he's available for questioning.
And you, my friend. I want
you to pull yourself together...
because I want that stamp.
I'm not interested
in a body count.
And you and the Harts
had better hope that
Jennifer brings her purse.
[♪♪♪]
The alarm was turned off,
and the lock was picked.
But nothing is missing
as far as I can tell.
But I'd sure like to get
my hands on the creep
that locked up
Freeway like that.
Yeah. So would we, Max.
Come on, Freeway.
I'll get you some dinner.
Well, darling, let's get
back down to the gallery.
We can question that guard.
Jae said he'd be back
on duty around 10.
Let's go.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTS]
There he is.
Uh, Mr. Walker.
JENNIFER: Mr. Walker, we're
the Harts, friends of Mr. Far...
[GASPS] Are you all right?
Yeah.
Seems like someone
doesn't want us to be involved.
Then why would he
want to take my purse?
[♪♪♪]
Don't even think of
holding out on me, McCoy.
I'm not, boss. I
saw her put it in.
You two are a comedy of errors.
The joke's gone stale.
Look, Simon. At least
they don't know they have it.
They wouldn't take such chances
with the stamp if they knew.
Yes, well after the masked
marauder's performance tonight,
I think it might
occur to them that
they got something
somebody wants.
Well, what if we...?
Never mind "what if."
What if we lie low, hm?
Just make sure the
police aren't called in
and that the Harts attend
that exhibition tomorrow.
And you...
why don't you get
out of my sight?
I... I could check
the house again.
As your last act here on earth.
I'll get the invitation when
they come to the exhibition.
But I'll handle it, understand?
My way.
[♪♪♪]
JONATHAN: No, Jae, we're fine.
Thanks very much
for your concern.
Yes, uh, we'll
remember to bring it.
See you tonight.
Bye.
She's concerned that
last night's jamboree
might prevent us from
attending the reception.
Oh. That was very nice
of her to call, wasn't it?
Well, I'm not so sure.
She's the only one that knew
that we would be at
the gallery last night.
You don't think
she's in on it, do you?
Well, let's just say that
her chances for winning
the employee of the
month award are a little dim.
Yes, but the guard said
that he personally escorted
Claude and the
stamp to the safe.
So the switch couldn't
have been made there.
Mm-hm.
But if she did
switch the stamps,
then why is she still
hanging around town?
And how did she get the
stamps out of the gallery
and past the electronic sensors?
Hm. [KNOCK ON DOOR]
I have the Harper
contracts, Mr. Hart.
JONATHAN: Oh, thanks
very much, Stanley.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Hart.
Hello, Stanley.
Well, darling, maybe
we ought to retire
the Jennifer Hart
stamp collection.
Mrs. Hart, I didn't know
you were a fellow enthusiast?
Yes. Are you a
collector, Stanley?
Oh, yes, Mrs. Hart.
Philately is my passion.
You know, Stanley, you
might be able to help us out.
We need a little background
on the stamp scene
in Los Angeles.
Do you know the Faraday Gallery?
Yes, I couldn't believe
what I read in the papers.
I've been a customer of
Mr. Faraday's for years.
What about, uh, Jae Turner?
I don't know much about her.
It's funny, she
always seems so busy
whenever I come into the shop.
Mr. Faraday said
she was his right hand.
She was. She was
the only one he trusted
with the combination
to the safe.
That's funny.
She told us that
she couldn't open it.
Maybe he changed
the combination.
Maybe. Well,
thanks a lot, Stanley.
We'd better get home and
get ready for the exhibition.
Uh, you're going too? It...
It... It's my very first one.
It's very exclusive. Mm.
Well, then you'd better
knock off early, Stanley.
You don't want to be late.
Gee, thanks, Mr. Hart,
but duty before
philately, I always say.
This should be fun,
swapping stamp
stories with you all night.
[♪♪♪]
[FREEWAY WHIMPERING]
How can I turn down that face?
Okay, Freeway.
I'm ready for my walk.
[DOOR CLOSES]
How would you like to
play a game with me?
Jonathan.
Let's say...
that Jae switched the
stamp in the gallery.
All right.
And she managed
to smuggle it out.
All right.
And now... somebody is after us
because they
think that we have it.
How could we have it?
What did we take out
of the gallery that day?
Nothing. Except the invitation.
Exactly. That's what struck
me about Stanley's invitation.
Why does ours have such a
large stamp in the corner. Hm?
Well, I don't know.
Let's go take a look at it.
Jonathan.
It's gone.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. H.
Hi, Max. Max... We
took care of the mail.
Max, what happened to the
card that was on that tray?
Well, I guess it got mixed up
with the letters
and I mailed it.
Well, then it's in the
mailbox at the gate. Oh.
No, I got lucky.
Made the 3:00 pickup
at the mailbox on the corner.
Excuse us, Max.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, there's a pickup at 5.
[♪♪♪]
Jonathan.
We'll make it.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[HORN HONKS]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[HONKING]
[HONKS]
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Don.
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
Gee, you scared me.
Did I do something wrong?
Oh, no, no, no.
No. No, no, nothing.
Uh, it's just that, you
see, we were mailing
some letters, and
in among the letters
was a... A card that I,
heh... I failed to address.
Do you mind if I
look for it in your bag?
Oh, sure, sure,
sure. Go right ahead.
Oh. How's the family?
Great. Great. Good.
Did you get my note?
What note was that?
I delivered it myself.
Thank-you note
for the turkey you gave
us for Thanksgiving.
Oh, yes. Yes.
JONATHAN: Find it, darling?
Here it is. You see?
Ha. No address.
Right. Well, thanks
an awful lot, Don.
Sure. Sure.
It was really good. What?
The turkey. JENNIFER: Oh, good.
Yeah. We had about
four meals out of it.
JONATHAN: Give
our best to the family.
Will do. Will do.
Maybe we can get
together. [ENGINE STARTS]
Real soon.
Gee, she's pretty.
What if we're wrong?
Then you lost a
purse for nothing.
Be careful.
JENNIFER: Voilà.
The million-dollar Vermilion.
I think they put a little
too much postage on it.
A million dollars too much.
[♪♪♪]
There's no way we can
prove that Jae stole that stamp.
She'll have to
blow her own cover.
And I'll bet she'll do that
when she steams this stamp off
and finds out that we've
been there before her.
So, we'll hand this
million-dollar murder motive
to her security consultants...
and I will keep the real
Vermilion with me, hm?
I've never been to a
stamp exhibition before.
Which one should I wear?
The red.
Then I'll have, uh...
two Vermilions to my credit.
So I'm competing with
an 80-year-old stamp?
But beautifully.
Tsk.
[♪♪♪]
You understand the game?
Yeah. I understand.
Yes, well, we live in hope.
There's money in
the account for you
if you don't foul up.
And you can meet me in Rio
next month. [DOOR OPENS]
You know where. Meet us in Rio.
SIMON: Darling, you look lovely.
Thank you.
I was telling McCoy
to shoot straight.
Yeah. Right through the Harts.
Tsk.
That's very good, McCoy.
Come on. You can
change at the gallery.
We'll see you there, Simon.
SIMON: Mm-hm.
Very amusing.
I shall miss you...
both.
[♪♪♪]
[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
What a charming bunch
we stamp collectors are.
I'll be glad when it's over.
I wonder. Hm?
I wonder, hadn't you
better go to the door?
We don't want to miss
our friends, do we?
All right.
Oh, there she is.
Look at that glint in her eye.
Maybe an attack
of hostess nerves.
Ah. Your invitation, Mr. Hart?
Good evening. I'll
take your invitation.
Uh, Jonathan. The invitation.
Don't you have the invitation?
Me? Well, no.
Well, where would I put it?
Now, that's a point.
Maybe it's in the car.
Oh, we'll be happy to have
your car brought around,
if necessary.
Oh. I've got it.
Jonathan always knows
where to lay his hands on things.
Thank you, sir. Oh.
Look at that. I
never noticed that.
Isn't that a pretty stamp?
JONATHAN: Yes, that is pretty.
Would you mind if
I keep this stamp?
I collect commemorative stamps.
Well, why don't you just
let me get you a fresh one?
Jae... will you
come here, please?
Oh. Uh, excuse me.
I'll be back in a moment.
Well, darling.
Shall we go look at
some pretty stamps?
I think we better.
Oh, excuse me. Would you
check this for me, please?
Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
Oh, hi, Stanley. Oh, Stanley.
Hazel, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Hart.
How do you do?
[DITSY VOICE] A
pleasure, I'm sure.
Thank you very much.
Nice to meet you.
Uh, we were gonna
drop by Hazel's later on
to look at her topicals.
Her topicals?
Uh, stamps, darling.
Right. Stamps.
Well, I guess we better
be moving on. Heh.
Heh.
Well, nice to have met you.
A pleasure, I'm sure.
That was kind of typical, huh?
Of Stanley or the topicals?
Oh, aren't these lovely?
SIMON: At last.
Get them in here.
Look at this.
A bargain at 75,000.
Excuse me for interrupting,
but I'd like a word
with you, if I may.
We can talk in the office.
Maybe our friend Jae has
been doing some steaming.
I'd like to come to terms.
We have a few of
our own. Name them.
Well, first, we'd
like to have the truth.
Who did you steal
that stamp for?
And what do I get in return?
Well, we might
be able to make it
a little easier for you
with the district attorney
than what you deserve.
All right.
But I'll go you one better.
I'll show you who I did it for.
[♪♪♪]
It's naughty to
eavesdrop. Forgive me.
My name is, uh, Ritchardson.
Simon Ritchardson.
And... I want my stamp.
Badly enough to kill people?
Badly enough to kill
any number of people.
Well, I think that'd
be a little difficult.
I mean there are
guards downstairs.
Not to mention the guests.
Uh, Jae.
[KNOCKS]
Now, you may not recognize him
without nylon stretched across
his pretty features.
My congratulations to
your boxing instructor.
But that was a good idea about
the, uh, witnesses downstairs.
McCoy.
So...
I'll say it once more.
I want my stamp.
JONATHAN: You don't really think
you're going to get
away with this, do you?
With all the guests
downstairs, the guards,
the electric sensors.
You'll never make it.
Yes, well, people
tend to disregard...
annoying little buzzers
when there's a fire going on.
Especially, uh,
stamp collectors.
We hate fires.
No, no, no. Not you,
dear. Over there.
What? You... Why
take a stamp half-price
when I can get it for free?
McCoy... You miserable creep.
Take care of Miss Greed too.
And now for my big performance.
[ALARM RINGING] No!
[GRUNTING]
Run!
Fire! [SCREAMS]
Everybody out!
Hurry now.
Gotta see a man about a fire.
[DOOR OPENS]
Come on, folks. Hurry now.
Move, move, move.
[♪♪♪]
Uh, Mr. Hart, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
But I think next time,
we ought to stick to
stocks and bonds, Stanley.
Oh. Well, now that's
what I call a pair
of million-dollar legs.
[♪♪♪]
Well, darling... here's to us.
To us. After all
we've been through,
we deserve it.
Well... we did get
the Vermilion back.
Mm. But they
still took my purse.
Your purse? Mm-hm.
Well, you can buy a new one.
Oh, I know that.
But... it wasn't
actually the purse.
It was what was
inside the purse.
What was inside of it?
My pledge for the
Easter Seal fund.
Oh. Believe me,
you're good for it.
They know that, just like I do.
A pledge is forever.
Hm.
You're very reassuring.
Oh. Thanks.
You know, um...
the world of stamps
is not all that bad.
No. Not if you don't mind...
robberies, burglaries
and muggings.
Look on the bright side.
What bright side?
There's always a friendly game
of Post Office.
Did you ever think of that?
No, I never did think of that.
Mwah.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]