Hart of Dixie (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Help Me Make It Through the Night - full transcript

Lemon Breeland, I hereby accuse you
of behavior unbecoming a Belle.

- Interesting.
- I already know what you're gonna say.

Friends that treat friends like
that aren't even friends at all.

Maybe.

I don't have any
interest in being part

of an organization that would ask
me to remove gum from the sidewalk.

I remember every bad review.
You hated The Cicada's Lament.

- Well, surely you didn't hate the book.
- He gave it one star.

See, I wouldn't have been that
harsh if I didn't really hate it.

I moved back here
to be BlueBell's doctor.

I'm back in BlueBell,
and I can't practice.



I am gonna hire somebody...
not a partner,

somebody who could maybe
work their way up.

You wouldn't know anybody who'd be
interested in that position, would you?

(Wade speaking quietly)

(woman laughing)

WADE:
You ready to go again?

(woman laughing)

Well, that was fun.

But I got to shower
and get to work.

(quietly):
My kind of gal.

(pounding on door)

(pounding continues)

- Could I help you?
- Yeah.

I heard my girlfriend left
the Rammer Jammer last night



with a guy named
Wade Kinsella.

- You Wade Kinsella?
- No, sir, I am not.

No, uh, no, Wade Kinsella
hasn't lived here for years.

Yeah, well,
if you see him...

- You tell him Randall's looking for him.
- Will do.

Best of luck
to you, pal.

WANDA:
Dash? Oh, Dash?

Where should I put the
beakers with the green glop?

Uh, I'll take them.
Thank you.

Now, remember, folks,
my show starts properly at 7, tomorrow.

My monster does not
take kindly to latecomers.

(growls)

(laughs) (chuckles):
Oh, my God.

I have to send this to my friend
Justin at the Paris Review.

He is going to flip out.
Also, we must go.

It's four hours long,
the third act is in German,

and Dash plays all the parts.

I'm camping out
in line.

Hey. There's A.B. and Lavon.
Let's go join them.

Wait, no, no, no,
no, no. Mm-mm.

Okay, look, I know that you and Lavon
got off on the wrong foot, but...

It's really important for you to make
friends here, and Lavon's the best.

Zoe, I know you love him,
but the only thing

that Lavon and I have in
common is a mutual aversion.

You're wrong.

Together, we will bridge
the athlete/mathlete divide.

Hey there. Mind if Joel and I
join you guys?

Sorry, finishing up.
Sounds great!

- Lavon!
- Lavon!

Look, Z, I-I'm sure your
new Beau is amazing,

but he and I have
nothing in common.

You do, too... me,
your best friend.

And we will hang.

- Alone. Call me.
- Uh...

(groans)

(sighs): So... Roll Tide and I
heading out to a poetry reading?

Shut up.

And what is a hairy eyeball?

It's that look you're
giving Crickett right now.

What gives, Lemon?

I quit the Belles,
so she had me blacklisted.

From the Junior League
Halloween Masquerade party.

That's a crime
against humanity.

Listen, I have to get into that party,

or I will have no hope of dating
a decent man in this state.

Okay, fine. I'm going...
you can be my plus-one.

Hey, you guys could go as that married
couple (laughs) that never got married.

What? That was funny.

Listen, George, this isn't
a social event for me, okay?

This is damage control.

I just think that walking in
with my ex-fiancé

just wouldn't send
the right message.

Fair enough.

Well, then it looks to me that
you only got one choice left.

Fine. I'll keep my gag reflex in check,
and I'll just go talk to Crickett.

No. Calling your grandmother.

The Don Corleone
of the Alabama social scene.

Are you out of your mind?

Calling Grandma Bettie
is like inviting

a great white shark
to your pool party.

Do you not remember the toast
that she gave at our rehearsal dinner?

Not the exact words, but I do remember
about a dozen people bursting into tears.

Yes. Which is why
I'm gonna go do this.

Good luck.

(sighs)

(exhales heavily)

Crickett, listen,

I know that we've had
our differences,

but out of respect for our past,
and the fact that karma is real,

I was hoping you could
get me back on the list

for the Halloween
Masquerade Ball.

Crickett?

Did you hear me?

I am so sorry, Lemon...

but in deference to my Belle sisters,
I will not fall prey to your manipulation.

Are you reading that?

Did Tara Jane tell you what to say
in case I asked for help?

Crickett Belinda Watts, I have been
your friend since third grade,

since before
you were even pretty.

In deference
to my Belle sisters,

I will not pray...

Fall prey...

The answer is no!

(quietly):
Oh, God...

- Ooh! Hey, you got to...
- Watch where you're going!

got to signal before
you turn like that.

Uh, okay, I'm... I'm sorry.
I just got a flat up the road...

Okay, do I look like Triple-A?

Hmm?

I know what
you're thinking.

What if she were
Triple-A, right?

- What can I do you for?
- I got a sidewall flat down the road.

- Is there an auto shop nearby?
- Yeah, what you're gonna do is...

(quietly): I'll tell you what,
I can do you one better,

I'll take you there myself.
Oh. Come on.

WADE: I'll drop you up the road.
We'll take my car.

LAVON: So, I was thinking we might
skip that show tomorrow night.

ANNABETH: Of course! With
Lynly visiting her parents,

- ...we have your house to ourselves.
- Okay.

Not that I don't
miss her terribly.

Now, you may not remember,
but tomorrow night

is the one-year anniversary
of our first date.

The night that we pretended
to be a couple?

Oh, I don't
consider that... as...

Our anniversary!

- It is!
- Yeah.

And... I have something special
planned, just for the two of us.

Mmm, sounds romantic.
What are we doing?

- I can't tell you; it's a surprise.
- At least give me a hint.

Okay, all I can tell you is that...

There will be champagne.

Mmm, I love the bubbly.

Oh, oh, and my
homemade pumpkin pie.

- Oh! That's my favorite.
- And...

One other thing that I promise will make
this a night you will remember forever.

BRICK:
So, you take care, now.

Oh, Dr. Hart, how is that
inventory checklist coming?

722 cotton balls,

243 alcohol swabs,
and 43 lollipops.

Oh. Actually, 42.

ANNABETH:
Hi, everybody!

Oh, don't you
just love Halloween?

(laughs): So full
of surprises...

Yeah, 42 stomachaches and 16
allergic reactions, just last year.

Maybe the office should hand out
Pepto-Bismol instead of candy tonight.

Or will that cut into
the day-after business?

Oh, thank you, Jerry Seinfeld.

Oh, and, AnnaBeth, don't forget,
you have your insurance physical today.

Oh, can Zoe do it?

I have some girl things I really,
really need to discuss with her.

Yes! A patient who needs
a doctor who is me.

(sighs) Well, fine.

Then, Dr. Hart, you need
to recount those tongue depressors.

ZOE: So, it's your one-year
anniversary of your first date

and there's
gonna be champagne

and your favorite dessert...
and one other thing?

He promised it would be
a night I'd remember forever.

Oh, my God!
Are you thinking

the "one other thing"
is what I'm thinking it is?

I don't know, because I'm trying
not to get ahead of myself,

because we haven't
been together that long,

but out of curiosity,
what are you thinking?

Uh, that you're gonna have
a super fun night,

and maybe you should
get a manicure.

So my hand looks beautiful
in case...

Huh.

What?

I just, I feel
a growth on your ovary.

I-It's probably nothing,
but I'm gonna

send you to Mobile tomorrow
for some tests.

Tests? Like...
multiple-choice tests,

or, like, "I need to get my parents
back from their retirement cruise

and auction off
my shoe collection" tests?

Well, no, a growth
can, um, signify...

a number of things.

You know, of which 90%
are absolutely benign.

Like a cyst or a small fibroid.

But there's still a ten percent
chance it could be...

Something else?

Well, that's why
I'm ordering the tests.

Hey, I'll go with you.

And we'll get that manicure
on the way back.

Look, A.B., I know it's hard,
but try not to worry.

Right.

It'll be a piece of cake.

- LEMON: Daddy!
- Lemonade!

Oh, you are so...

Handsome and sweet
and understanding.

Oh, God,
what do you need?

Due to recent missteps
not to be rehashed,

my social life is
at a code red,

and the only way to fix it
is to call on Grandma.

Absolutely not!

Do I need to remind you
of the one silver lining

in the disaster that was
your near-wedding day?

But she was so humiliated, she's
refused to set foot in BlueBell since.

And what a gloriously
peaceful 18 months

and, oh, 14 days
it has been.

Well, see, the thing is, Daddy...

This was an emergency.

You already called her.

- Oh, Lordy, bring me the defibrillator.
- I'm sorry.

But maybe she has
softened with age.

Rumor has it that you've rehired
that carpetbaggin' she-doctor.

How is that a
good decision?

Mother! We are
so happy to see you.

(laughs) As you should be.

Last time I set foot in BlueBell,
your daughter had been abandoned

at the altar like a lame horse
on derby day.

Now she can't even secure
a simple party invitation.

Well, if you are speaking
of the Halloween Masquerade,

- ...those invitations are very hard...
- Bertram...

When it's your turn to speak,
you will know.

I have heard your cry for
help loud and clear.

In the nick of time, too...
there's only so much scandal

that the Breeland name
should be asked to endure.

(Lemon and Bettie chuckle)

Come, Lemon,

if the Red Sea can be parted,
perhaps we can resurrect

your social standing
from the dead.

Chop-chop.

Oh, you're so right...
she has softened with age.

(car horn honks)

(seagulls calling)

(birds singing)

Season 3, Episode 6
"Help Me Make It Through the Night"

I scheduled a consult
with Dr. Blackwell.

He's gonna do an internal
ultrasound and a blood test.

And we should be home
in time for dinner.

Okay, so it's like a spa day, only...
a little more painful.

Thank you so much
for coming with me.

- Of course.
- JOEL: Hey, AnnaBeth.

Hey, babe. Hey.
(horn honks)

Happy Halloween, Doc!

Uh, excuse me. I need to check my
boyfriend for possible brain damage.

- I'll meet you at the car.
- Hey...

What-what are you doing?

Oh, uh, we're taking a trip
to a place known as Chickasaw

to pick up dry ice for Dash's Frankenstein
show tonight. It's gonna be great.

- You should come.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We'll, uh, try not to make you feel
like too much of a third wheel.

No, I'm pretty sure Chickasaw is on
my list of places to never ever go.

And even if I wanted to, which I don't,
I have to go to Mobile with a patient.

I thought AnnaBeth was a receptionist.
Is she okay?

I can't talk about that.
Can I speak to you in private?

What are you doing with him?

What? You said it was important
for me to make friends.

- I'm making friends.
- Yeah, but with Wade? Wade? Why?

H-He's cool. He's got a pickup truck.
I've never been in a pickup truck.

Sorry to interru lovebirds, but we're,
uh... we're losin' daylight.

And, what, the headlights
on his pickup truck don't work?

(chuckles) Hey.

I'll see you
at the show tonight, all right?

- You know, I might get a tattoo.
- Shut up.

Of a pickup truck.
What can you do?

Your boyfriend recognizes
cool. (chuckles)

Daddy, really?
Scotch for breakfast?

It is the only way.
She is a monster.

Listen, I agree, but drinkin'
is not the answer.

BETTIE:
There you are!

Lemon, where have you been? I
called you over an hour ago.

What did you come by,
horse and buggy?

Bertram,

are you drinking liquor
for breakfast?

(laughs) Of course not.

That was... left out
from last night. (chuckles)

Mm-hmm. Well,
luckily for you, Lemon,

I snapped my fingers,
and not only

do you have an invitation
to the party,

but the eligible
Mr. Tanner Hughes is your date.

(gasps) Thank you, Grandma.
You are a miracle worker.

(chuckling):
I hope so.

'Cause it's gonna take a miracle to fix
your hair before Tanner picks you up.

Now let's go see
if Susie can raise her game.

Oh, and just because
I'm focused on the Titanic

which is your daughter's life,

does not mean
that I have forgotten

about the Hindenburg
which is yours.

Mother, I am so pleased you
have not lost your propensity

for exaggeration
and hyperbole.

Mm-hmm.

- You're right. It's the only way.
- Yeah...

The only way.

ZOE: The good news is,
it's definitely not a tumor.

I realize how that sounds like you
just won the world's worst game show.

What about all the other things
the gynecologist hasn't ruled out yet?

Zoe...

...I've always wanted
to have children.

Wh-What if I can't?

Dr. Blackwell said the chances
of infertility are very small.

We'll know more tomorrow.
If I were you, I just...

- I wouldn't think about it until then.
- Really?

Would you be able
to stop thinking about it?

No, but I am significantly
more neurotic than you.

Oh, not today.

The weight of not knowing
is consuming me.

I can't let Lavon
propose tonight,

not with this huge unknown
hanging over my head.

Oh, crab on a cracker.

What if we get him
to put it off?

We'll say you're sick.
I'll write a note.

We'll say it's something very contagious,
like-like pinkeye. Ooh, or bird flu!

Yeah, let's not render me
totally unappealing.

Right.

How 'bout this.

Do you know
how Lavon loves Beyoncé?

Well, she is playing in New
Orleans. What would you say

if I got my mom to score you
two tickets for tonight?

- I'd say you'd be saving my life.
- Right?

They don't even teach this stuff
in medical school.

Huh.

WANDA:
Rise and shine, Frankenstein.

(growls) (chuckles)

- Hey-o.
- Oh.

Wade, a guy came
by looking for you.

- I think his name was Randall.
- Randall.

I told him you'd be working the bar
later during Dash's show.

You're welcome!

(Frankenstein growls)

WADE:
Hey, Tucker,

you still looking for a plus-one
to that invitation-only,

exclusive Halloween Masquera
party in Mobile tonight?

Uh... (chuckles)
no offense, Wade,

but I'm not looking to
be set up right now.

But, Tucker, you can't say no
to this person.

Why? Who is she?

She's a me.

(chuckles) Well?
What do you think?

Oh, I do believe we bought you
another year on the block.

(chuckles) Oh.

Watch the flyaways, honey.

(doorbell rings) (gasps) Oh. Oh.
(chuckles) That must be Tanner.

Grandma, I just want to let you
know how much

I appreciate everything
that you've done for me.

And should Tanner and I marry,
we will name our beautiful

and perfect children after you.

(laughs)
I should hope so.

And I want you to know

I spent a good deal
of my valuable capital

selling Tanner on you,
so don't mess this up.

TANNER: Now, where are those
beautiful Breeland ladies?

BETTIE:
Oh, Tanner Hughes,

meet my lovely
granddaughter, Lemon.

Lemon,

my goodness,
what a vision.

- Oh, likewise.
- Grandma Breeland, you did not lie.

She is a thoroughbred.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, I hope you are not offended
by my equine terminology.

I consider horses more
evolved than most people,

so that was a compliment.

(chuckles) Are you ready for
the night of your life?

- Am I ever...
- Mmm.

See y'all at the party.
And, Lemon...

...You're welcome.

(classical music playing)

Hot women in masks.

Why not just call
the party that?

They should put you
on the event committee.

Yeah, they should.

Oh, uh, Judge Perkins.

- Hey, how are you?
- Well, George Tucker,

I thought you traded in
your bar membership

for the life
of a debauched country star.

No, I assure you
that was only a vacation.

And I can assure you of that,
Your Honor. It is...

- Nice to see you!
- Hey, I'm gonna take a few laps,

Uh, check out
the talent.

Okay, well, try and stay
out of trouble.

- Hey. Save a slow dance for me, Tucker.
- (chuckles) Will do.

I can't believe Lemon secured
both an invite and Tanner Hughes.

Bett Breeland is
like the president...

But with power.

TANNER: So, the very best thing
about owning your own plane?

Owning your own plane.
(laughter)

Call me. Okay.
(chuckles)

You know, I think I could use
another glass of Chardonnay.

- You don't want another Chardonnay.
- Oh, I think I do.

(chuckles) Uh...

Uh, a glass of the 2007
Pinot gris for the lovely lady.

Trust me, that Chardonnay
that you're drinking is dreck.

White wine is not supposed
to hit the side.

Let me show you.

- Hey, honey!
- Wh... Uh, you're early.

I-I wanted everything to be
perfect before you got here.

Well, stop right there.

'Cause guess what I just got
my hands on.

Beyoncé!

Tonight! So maybe your surprise
can wait till tomorrow?

Wow, Beyoncé?

It's hard to pass
on the Queen B...

It's not hard; it's impossible.
Come on. Let's go!

But my surprise can't wait.

Another time, Sasha Fierce.

So, I'll, um...

I'll pour you some champagne
while I finish up.

Okay.
(chuckles)

(chuckles)

(organ playing)
DASH: As I now

throw the switch,
the monster shall live!

(crackling)
(audience gasps, shouts)

It's alive!

It's alive!

Ooh!
(laughs)

This is history's greatest
theatrical performance.

DASH:
They doubted me!

They said it couldn't be done,
but I did it!

- Why do you keep looking over at the bar?
- Oh, I'm looking for Wade.

If it's okay, we're gonna
grab a beer after the show.

What? No, it's not okay.

Well, it was a rhetorical question.
I wasn't asking permission.

ZOE: Just trust me, you don't
want to be friends with Wade.

I dated him... I should know.
H-He's irresponsible,

annoying and he probably
has an agenda.

What do you think we're gonna
do, repeal Obamacare?

- Invade Cuba? It's just a beer.
- (quietly): Hey, lovebirds, pipe down.

- We're trying to watch the show.
- I apologize.

We won't bother you again.
Sorry.

- Shh.
- DASH: A dead man's brain

inside of a body I created!

Now alive or dead!

(phone ringing)

What's ringing?

Why is my monster ringing?
(organ stops playing)

Whoops! I'm on call.

Don't give me any dirty looks
'cause any of you could be next.

- Just go, just go.
- Okay.

(organ resumes playing)

AnnaBeth?

(quietly): He doesn't
want to go to Beyoncé.

Oh, there's a beautiful table set
with flowers and a projector.

I think he's going to show our love
in movie form before the proposal.

It's so romantic.
It's terrible.

Okay, um, I'm on my way.
Just-just stall him.

(phone beeps)

Hey. Medical emergency. We have to go.
I need your help.

Some people just ain't fit
for the theater.

Sorry.

You guys know a guy
named Wade Kinsella?

Uh, apparently
I'm not allowed.

(Dash yells onstage)

Bert! There you are.

Mother, you s... you scared
the hell out of me.

Tell me, son, how's
the social life?

Found another woman
half your age

in your impressive campaign
to treat the family name

like a spaniel would
a rhododendron?

Grandma, is it possible that there
is another Tanner Hughes out there?

Because the one that you set me
up with is an insufferable tool.

Well, of course
he is, dear.

He comes from a long and distinguished
line of insufferable tools.

- Well, then why would you...
- No, no, wrong question.

Why did you show far too much affection
for a creature named Meatball

and then walk away from the Belles?

Mother, come on now.
You put the claws back in.

Pretend you're a tree and count
your rings, dear heart.

That tool may be
the last one in the box.

(scoffs)

Now, on to the subject
of the wayward Magnolia...

Excuse me. Uh, George Tucker!
Mother, you remember

your almost-grandson-in-law
George Tucker

who abandoned Lemon
at the altar.

Y'all probably want
to catch up.

(quietly):
I'm sorry, son. Survival.

Between you and me,

I'm crashing
this party.

It is kind of boring.

Truly wish there was some way for you
and me to shake things up a bit.

- Oh, I'd say you're doing just fine.
- Who? Me?

Now, what about
your current living quarters?

A boat?

What your weekend place
gonna be, an inner tube?

I tell you, they had such
high hopes for you. (laughs)

Oh. Hey. Mrs. Breeland, you
remember Crickett, right?

The one that drove Lemon from the Belles
and blacklisted her from this party?

Enjoy yourself. (laughs)

(chuckles)

(chuckles quietly)

So then he started crying,
and he said,

"Oh, I'm two years from retirement.
Please don't fire me."

I said, "You are 67 years old."

Chardonnay?

Take it.

At least you'll get
to enjoy one thing tonight.

Why do I feel like I know you?

'Cause we met... yesterday in BlueBell
at a bar called the Rammer Jammer?

Oh, yeah,
you're the flat tire guy.

Yeah, usually I go by
Peter, but, you know,

"flat tire guy" has
a nice ring to it.

I'm Lemon Breeland.

Why are you being
so nice to me?

You're not gonna hand me a
subpoena or something, are you?

Look, I've had my fair share
of disastrous first dates,

so, no, no subpoenas.

I'm just passing through town, I got
a flat tire, I missed my flight.

Boss says, "Hey, there's
this huge party tonight."

Next thing, I have a mask,
and a chance to talk to a...

TANNER: Lemon! Lemon,
Alaskan crab cakes! Come!

A woman on a date
with an insufferable tool.

Wow! But, hey, at least
he's got a plane, right?

Yeah, and he gets
little balls of foam

in the corner of his mouth
when he talks about it, too.

Hey, I tell you what.

Why don't you tell him
that in the last month,

the resale price of the Lear jets
have gone down dramatically,

and that they say it is now the second
worst investment in the world.

- Is that true?
- I don't know.

It sounds true,
though, doesn't it?

TANNER: Lemon? Lemon! Come!
Come, come, come, come!

Come on, now!

Trick or treat!

Zoe, Joel, what
are you doing here?

I thought
there was a medical emergency.

Oh, there is.

I have an acute case
of anxiety

because my best friend and my
boyfriend refuse to be friends.

I'm not leaving until
we fix this once and for all.

(chuckles) Uh...

Where's my damn alligator
when you need him?

(laughs)

Your thing about the airplanes
totally threw him for a loop.

He's on a phone call right now
with his jet broker.

Does present a little bit of a pickle,
'cause I'm not flying commercial.

This is the most fun
I've had all night.

Here, give me some more stuff
to torture him with.

Okay. Um, let's see.
How about...

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, tell him about
the new intestinal parasites

that they just found
in French wines.

Or, no, even better.

Tell him about
the study that said

that men
that don't wear socks...

What am I paying you for, huh?

...tend to be impotent
by the age of 40.

(laughs)

Or you know what?
Here's one.

Why don't you tell him that you're leaving
with the man that you met at the bar

that you already like
20 times more than him.

No, no, I can't...
I can't leave.

My grandma would kill me.

I think I could take her.

Let's slip out the back.

I can't believe they just
barged in here like this.

Whoa, Whoa!
What are you doing?

I was going
to offer our guests some pie.

Mm-mm. Guests are people
you invite over,

not people who show up on
your special night unannounced.

These are home invaders.
They can get their pie to go.

I thought Halloween in New York
was crazy, but this is crazy.

This is beyond,
beyond, beyond crazy.

I realize that it's not one of my
five best moments in life, but...

How is it not okay for me
to grab a beer with Wade,

yet it's perfectly fine
for you to drag me here

under the guise
of a medical emergency

- ...to hang out with Lavon?!
- That is an excellent question.

One that I can't answer in a way
that puts me in a good light.

Look, okay, I realize
that I overstepped.

I can't explain, but I can promise
that it was for a good reason.

Joel, would you like
some pie?

- Yeah, all right.
- Oh, great. Go ahead, sit down.

Thank you for coming,
but this is obviously useless.

I mean, Joel is irritated,

and what's to stop Lavon from
proposing as soon as you leave?

A.B., you underestimate the powers
of a Johns Hopkins education.

Everybody, think of 40 names
and put them in a jar.

We are playing
Celebrity!

- That's 160 names.
- That'll take forever.

We are playing
Celebrity!

We are playing Celebrity, and
no one's leaving until we have fun!

(laughs)

I'll make us some drinks.

LEMON: So, I had a list made of the 20
most eligible bachelors in Alabama.

I dated seven of them.

Uh, two of them
were unbearable,

four of them vanished as soon as
they heard that I ran a bar.

And, oh, one of them proposed to me
before we even ordered our entrees,

and then cried in his French
onion soup when I refused.

My reputation
took a hit.

Oh, another hit.

It already had suffered
when I got left at the altar

for having an affair
with the mayor.

Wow. You know, for a sleepy little
town, BlueBell's got a lot going on.

I think I'm still trying
to prove to everyone

that I can succeed
on my own two feet.

Which is why I had Grandma arrange
a date with Tanner Hughes.

- Oh.
- And his foamy mouth.

Yeah, that makes
perfect sense.

(laughs)

You must think that I'm a snob. You know
what? You're right, I probably am.

Well, I don't even like
listening to me right now.

Well, I do.

And besides, I don't
think a snob would run

that amazing establishment
that I met you at yesterday.

I mean, the
Rammer Jammer.

But, hey, you know what I really
did like about that place?

The jukebox.
The way the music was organized.

It wasn't by, like, song
title or singer or genre.

It was like someone
organized it by... emotion.

That was me.
I did that last week.

Break-up songs, I-miss-you songs,
I-want-you songs,

I-hate-you songs,
dance-with-me songs,

I-need-a-drink songs.

That's pretty much every song
worth listening to.

That's not a
snob's jukebox.

Well, you're nice.

Hey, you want
to grab a drink?

Yes.

As long as it's not Pinot gris.

Hey, Judge Perkins.
Everything okay?

I've been trying to leave
this place for 45 minutes,

and it seems that
I've misplaced my wife.

Have you seen her?

Um, I have not, actually.

Uh, yes, I have.
I have seen her.

I saw her. She was in the
garden, which is out back.

Oh, Lord, I'm gonna have to pin one
of them GPS thingamabobs on her.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you should do that.

You should... Oh!

- Okay, Casanova, it's time to go.
- Oh, what's the rush?

- I was just getting my trick-or-treat on.
- Yeah, with Judge Perkins' wife!

She's married to
that old geezer?

No wonder she was looking
for a little sidebar action.

(mutters) Go!

Bertram, there you are.

And this time,
you're not escaping.

- We must discuss your...
- TANNER: (clears throat) Excuse me.

I am sorry to
interrupt, but

Mrs. Breeland,
would you check

to see if Lemon is okay
in the ladies' room?

She said she had a cinder
in her eye almost an hour ago.

I haven't seen
her since.

I'm gonna go check
the garden... again.

Well, I'm sure that...

No one's had a cinder in
their eye since Atlanta burned.

Your daughter walked out
on her date. Find her.

(sighs)

So, if your car hadn't
have broken down in Mobile

and you wouldn't have gone to the party,
where would you be right now?

I would be
on a flight to Scotland.

- Scotland?
- Yeah.

Really?
What, a bagpipe convention?

Or a-a haggis-eating contest.

(both laugh)

You know, sadly,
you're not too far off.

So, I'm a news producer,
and we're covering

the vandalizing
of a beloved statue in Glasgow.

- Ah.
- Yeah.

I do a lot of cutting-edge
journalism like that.

Yeah, well,
at least you get to travel.

Which is the best part
of the job.

I'm not one to stay
in any place too long.

Is it because
your work makes you happy?

Yeah, happy enough.

- What about you?
- Oh, no.

No, you've already heard
more about me

than I'd ever imagine telling
a perfect stranger, so...

Oh, see,
that's what makes it fun.

So, come on.

If you could do anything in the world,
what would it be?

Um... I like being
a business owner.

Although, I spend way too much
time sorting fish than I'd like.

I still think that I don't know
what I want to be when I grow up.

- Is that crazy?
- No. That's endearing.

Okay. Um, hmm.

Oh, uh, this lady... she might
be on a reality TV show...

Sonia Sotomayor.

Joel, I don't think the Supreme Court
justice is on a reality TV show!

He didn't mean...

I didn't mean to imply that
you thought she was on...

- I'm not that dumb!
- I didn't say you were dumb.

- Nuh-uh.
- It's just, you know, sometimes,

in the heat of competition,
you know, you mix people up.

- ZOE: Yes.
- You know, like Henry Hill and Harold Hill.

- Goodfellas, Music Man.
- It's a very common mistake.

ANNABETH: And time's up!
Okay, our turn.

- Zoe, go.
- Okay.

(whooping) Let's go.

- All right, all right.
- I didn't... I'm sorry.

Reality TV show,
Supreme Court justice?

Yeah, it means... Okay.
(Zoe whoops)

- A.B., I'm ready.
- Okay.

All right, it's a Greek word.
It could be a yogurt.

Acidophilus?
Agamemnon? Yoplait?

JOEL and LAVON:
Daenerys from Game of Thrones!

- It is A.B.'s turn to guess!
- Are you a Game of Thrones fan?

- LAVON: Yeah.
- Hey.

Oh, he's obsessed! He's seen
every episode, read every book.

Joel loves that, too!

Lavon, didn't you say you that you had
a signed edition of the first book?

- Really? Can I see it?
- Yeah, sure.

- It's wrapped, you can't touch the cover.
- Well, goes without saying.

Okay.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, finally
some trick-or-treaters.

Who wants to help me
hand out cavities?

Come on, Kendall, don't be shy,
say "Trick or treat."

Trick or treat.

Oh, my, she's...

She's so...

ZOE:
Oh.

I'm sorry, she just gets
a little emotional around candy.

Happy Halloween.

Bye.

(crying softly)

A.B., you okay?

Wh-What just happened here?

I-I'm not sure.

Uh, yeah, yeah,
it was, uh, it was me.

- I, um... kind of insulted AnnaBeth.
- What?

What'd you say?

Uh, well, you know, I may...
I may have accidentally,

um, implied that she
had, uh, big feet.

I'm so sorry, man. I have horrible
impulse control, I'm sorry.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?!

I definitely think
I'm growing on him.

Here's your house, Wade.

(sighs)

Did you fall down, Wade?

Did you... did you hit your head?
Are-are you seeing things?

For the millionth time,
Tucker, all right,

I didn't know it was
Judge Perkins' wife.

Well, you knew she
was somebody's wife.

You had to see the big honking
ring right on her finger!

Oh, crap.

- That is a large gentleman.
- Yes, it is.

You're Wade Kinsella!

- Now drive.
- Oh, oh.

(horn honks)

Hey.
(crying)

I'm sorry I dragged
you and Joel into this.

Are you okay?

I have dreamed of Lavon proposing
since the first time he kissed me,

and I've dreamed
how I'd say yes

and how I'd cry

and how I would tell him
I can't wait to be his wife

and have 19
babies with him.

(sniffles)

I mean, what
if I can't?

You two
will figure it out.

I want babies,
Zoe, with Lavon,

big... football-
playing babies.

I know.

I want that for you, too,
a whole team of 'em.

(laughs)

I really don't want
to have to hurt Joel,

so, Zoe, can you
please take him home?

Maybe AnnaBeth and I can salvage
what's left of this crazy night.

Actually, uh, my head is feeling
like it's busting open, so

I'm going to have
Zoe ta me home, too.

- Um... we'll talk tomorrow.
- Yeah.

(horn honking in distance)

(whoops)

- You lost him.
- Damn right I did!

'Cause I didn't want to
get my brains smashed in

next to your stupid
moron brains!

Seriously, Wade, what the
hell is wrong with you, man?

What?

Waiting for you
to slow-dance with me,

- ...I started getting lonely.
- Wade, seriously...

What's wrong with you?

I mean, you're-you're
sleeping with married women.

You're sleeping with girls who got
boyfriends the size of refrigerators.

It's not my finest two days,
I will admit.

(sighs)

You know what
I think it is, man?

I think you are getting with
every unavailable woman you can

because the one unavailable
girl you want, you can't have.

Oh, wow, that is...
that is deep, Dr. Freud,

but y-you're wrong...
so, so wrong.

So... let's go 'cause I'm sleeping
at your place tonight.

(clicks tongue)

I should make you
sleep in the truck.

That's what
I should do.

PETER: This is me. You know,
it's not as crummy as it looks.

They have a breakfast buffet.
(chuckles)

- I had a wonderful night.
- Yeah, me, too.

So, um, do you have any plans
to be near BlueBell any time soon?

It's hard to say.

Let's see,
after Glasgow, Vancouver,

then Naples sadly... Italy.

I mean, if it was Florida, I would
swing by here in a heartbeat.

(chuckles)

Well...

I guess it's good-bye.

I got to admit that, uh,

for the first time
in a long while, I...

I wish I could stay
at a crummy hotel longer.

You know, their breakfast buffet claims
to have the best grits in Alabama.

- You, uh... you like grits?
- Is that an invitation?

IS A FRESH FEAST OF FLAVOR.

(sighs)

Breakfast buffet.

(door opens)

I actually wanted
to leave a note, too.

Uh...
(laughs)

I just... I-I didn't know
what to write

and then I, uh, I eventually
just told mylf, you know, hey,

a breakfast, uh, is worth
a thousand words, so...

Aren't you gonna
miss your flight?

Eh, Europe's been
there for a while.

It can wait a couple
more hours for me.

Okay, yeah, thank you,
thank you so much.

So?

It's a small cyst
on your ovary...

totally common and
totally treatable.

You're fine and ready to have
19 little football stars...

- ...running backs, quarterbacks.
- Yay! A pitcher! Who cares?!

(both laugh)

BRICK: There you are.
Two creams, no sugar.

Still no word, huh?

At this point,
the best we can hope for

is that Lemon's fallen
down a well.

- Now, Mother, Lemon...
- LEMON: Hello.

Morning, Daddy.

- Hey.
- Grandma.

Is that all you can say?

No.

Also this.

Thank you.

I just had the most...

wonderful night.

And it was exactly,
exactly what I needed,

and it's all
because of you.

Well... who's hungry?

Thank you for helping with
the A.B. situation last night.

- I owe you.
- You do, and...

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Maybe you could start by letting
me choose my own friends?

Okay. Wade, though? I mean,
does it have to be Wade?

And this is what I mean.

Oh, hey, Wade.

Kendra, hey.

So, Randall had to
go visit his mama.

Want to come
over tonight?

Uh...

Yeah... no.

You know, I kind of like
having my teeth,

so thanks
for the offer.

(scoffs)

Hey, pal, I'm, uh, I'm heading down
to Pascagoula to pick up some meat.

- You want to come?
- Pascagoula?

See, it sounds made up
and yet I know it's real.

- Yeah, what could be better?
- All right.

- You guys, you know, have fun.
- All right.

ANNABETH: Anyways, I'm sorry
I got so upset last night.

It had nothing to do with Joel. I was
going through something personal.

- Are you okay?
- I am. Very.

Very, very, very okay.

So I was thinking maybe you could
do your special surprise tonight,

and then, after, we can
celebrate my okayness.

Oh, uh, yeah, I'm sorry, but
the special surprise is off.

What?

How can it be on one
night and then off? Why?

Y-You can't show Night of
the Living Dead in November.

What?

- That was your special surprise?
- Yeah, got you, right?

See, you don't think I pay
attention, but I remember

you saying how you'd never seen
a horror movie before,

so I rented the original film version
and I set it up with a projector

upstairs on a big
20-foot screen.

Uh-huh.

Zoe!

You know what Lavon's special
surprise was last night?

That we'd watch
Night of the Living Dead.

(chuckles)
On a big 20-foot screen.

That was what was gonna be the night
that she was gonna remember forever?

Oh, it's an excellent movie; and
it'd be killer on a 20-foot screen.

Yeah.

ANNABETH and ZOE:
Men!

- ANNABETH: Can you believe that?
- Night of the Living Dead.

Do you have any idea
what just happened here?

No clue.

Hey, Shakespeare,
you ready to go?

Oh, hey, uh, Lavon,

Wade and I are,
uh, road-tripping

up to a place
called Pascagoula.

You want to come? Might stop at
an old fishing hole, dig for crawdads.

- That's not how you get crawdads.
- Well, sometimes.

LAVON: Hell yeah. Count me in.
Let's hit it.

All right...