Hart of Dixie (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - Should've Been a Cowboy - full transcript

You thought
I was gonna propose?

This isn't an ultimatum.
I just need to know we're on the same path.

Sometimes I think
I never should've let you go.

Hey, Lynly. You up for another

mani-pedi party?

Y'all are hanging out?

With you saving BlueBell

and Tansy broken up
with Scooter...

You broke up with Scooter?

Guess the fact that I
burned Tansy's hair off

means I'm still kind of
damaged myself.



I'll call Lavon from Houston.

Good-bye, Lynly Hayes.

We're renting a house!

No, we're not.

Termite house is
for rent or for sale.

We're buying a house.

Seriously?
All in.

(upbeat hip-hop playing)

All right, last set, you guys!

Let's do this!

Now I want you to move it,
hips side to side.

Here we go.

Okay, let's metabolize
that sugar into pyruvate!

Pritchett sisters,
I don't want you



to let that lactic acid
build up!

I thought we were supposed
to be getting funky.

What is she even talking about?
This is not funky!

This Health and Wellness Month
is an inspired idea.

The town really
needed this. I mean,

look at all the participation!

See? Yeah. I know.

BlueBell, we are set
to meet our goal

of losing 500
collective pounds.

I think this is the greatest
accomplishment I've had

as this town's physician.
Plus, all this working out,

it's really good stress relief
from the big move.

All right, we can stop.
We can stop.

I'm so happy for you and Joel.

This is such a big step.
Yeah, thanks.

I can't wait for the house to be
ready to have you guys over.

(chuckles)

All right, BlueBell, well done!

Remember, two days
until the final weigh-in,

all right?
We got Bollywood Boogie

at the Rammer
Jammer at 3:00,

and then right here
at 4:30, we got Pilates.

Meatball, I am looking at you.
No way.

A rock-hard core
would sully my brand.

JOEL:
Okay, so,

tell me what you thought.

Don't worry.
I take criticism very well.

Let me preface this

by saying that I am,
without a doubt,

the number one
Joel Stephens fan in the world.

Nay, the universe.

And I am so honored
that you would

let me read the first
six chapters.

They were amazing,

thoughtful, riveting.

Wow. Thank you very much.

The only thing is...

Oh. The motivation gets a little
muddled in chapter four...

Your main character
makes no sense. (chuckles)

Well, uh...

Well, he-he is...
he's purposely enigmatic.

You know,
he's a Southern erdass,

um, a lone wolf.

Yeah. That's-that's
what's so confusing.

You see, for a cowboy,
he spends a lot of time

whining about getting
his sneakers dirty.

(chuckles)
And, uh,

I-I don't think
badasses use words

like, uh... "ennui."

Well, he happens to be a highly
educated Southern badass.

Maybe... you should change
the character

into someone
you get a little...

better, and leave

the cowboy writing
to actual cowboys.

Thank you for your feedback.

This is good stuff. I appreciate
it. So, I'm just gonna take that

and, uh, I'm gonna let it, um...

Uh...

(sighs)
Artists. So sensitive.

(gasps)

A.B., there you are.

Huge news.

Jackson finally proposed
last night.

Isn't she a beauty?

Jackson proposed?

Wow.

I'm so happy for y'all.

Now, I know you're no longer
a Belle, but still...

will you be a bridesmaid?

It just wouldn't be the same
without you and Lemon there,

and she already said yes.

That sounds great!

Yay.

Bridesmaid, of course.

Oh, great. Well, I got to run.

I'm deciding between Bali
and Brazil for the honeymoon.

(chuckles)
Ta!

Damn health week!

My kingdom for a cruller.

(indistinct chatter)

One veggie lovers omelet

(quietly): and some bacon I
got on the black market.

(quietly):
Score. Thank you.

Nope. You're on
the stupid diet

with the rest of us, Tucker.
No special privileges

just 'cause the waitress wants
to ask you out.

No.
(sputters)

Tansy and I are just...
She doesn't...

You think so?

Everybody thinks so.

Look, Tucker, it's been a month
since Lynly left.

What's the holdup?
I don't know, man.

Just, you know, Tansy and I
had a complex history.

We're both newly single.
I j... I just want it

to be the right moment,
you know?

And, plus,
things are still tense, very,

very tense,
with... Lavon!

Hey, man.

How you doing?
Alive.

It's nice weather
we're having out there.

Right?
(chuckles)

Oh. Very sunny.
Yeah.

And I-I heard
it-it might rain tomorrow.

Yes. Y-Yes, I-I hear that, too.

(chuckling):
Yeah.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm gonna go sit over there.

Bye.
Okay.

Wow. That is
tense, all right.

Told you.

Morning, Mayor.
Gluten-free pancakes

with agave syrup?

(sighs)
As much as I'm rooting

for the health of BlueBell,
I miss real food.

Tom's been running off to Mobile

to get fries
in the middle of the night.

It's not good
for the marital bed.

(chuckles)

(quietly):
You know, speaking of Tom,

there's something I want
to talk to you about.

So, Duke, we want to knock down
a few of these walls,

get more
of an open concept feel.

That's just a few
days' work, right?

Yeah. No.

We're looking
at a top-to-bottomer here.

A top-to-bottomer?

Does-does that mean
what I think it does?

Was your inspector
Cooper O'Connell?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a lazy crook.

(gasps)
Wh...

No way you meant
to put that many zeroes.

Well, you could
always cheap out.

Your bed will probably crash
through the ceiling.

Sleep well.
When can you start?

Hold on a second.
Maybe there's some stuff

around here
that I can fix myself, you know?

He's joking. He's very wry.

It's hard to tell.

No, exc...
I'll have you both know

that I earned multiple
merit badges at Camp Nageela.

(chuckles)
For what?

Explaining the cartoons
in The New Yorker?

No, for woodworking!

And whittling.
Look, Joel,

how about you do your things,
okay? Poetry,

cooking, Jenga.
Leave the man's work

to the men, all right?

Well, thanks for the advice

and the outrageous,
larcenous estimate,

but I'm gonna be remodeling
this house myself.

Suit yourself, city boy.
Uh... uh...

Joel Stephens,

you are going to be doing
a lot of things by yourself

if you don't get that man
back here pronto!

Are you kidding me?
Pronto!

Hello, beautiful.

Kale and quinoa.

Again.

Only two more days
until the final weigh-in,

and then I am
deep-frying

anything that
is not nailed down.

(laughs)

How's your day going?

Oh, it's fine.

Tried not to punch
George Tucker.

Succeeded.

Oh.
You?

Elodie and Jackson got engaged.

After only four months.

I'm gonna be a bridesmaid!

Oh, A.B.

Look, I know how this
must make you feel.

Actually, I'm fine.

Truth is, I pity her.

Huh. Well, you say that.

Are you sure that's
what you think?

Lavon, I am fine.

We've talked about this,
we've agreed.

Going back and getting
all upset again

would be crazy.

And I'm not.

So let's just enjoy
our kale lunch

and walk to spin class.

Okay?

All right.

I will not let you

break my house for
character research!

Come on, you've got
to give me a chance, here.

Look, Tom was right.

I need to-to channel
my more primal side.

You know,
my-my badassy side.

And, you know, badasses,
they build stuff.

Oh, my God!

I'm hiring Duke.

No, look, wait.

Just think of the money
that we'll save

if I do the work myself.

You know, and by the way,
it's money that

we're gonna need
because my publisher

is going to reject my book
because apparently

I don't know how
to write anymore.

I will hire him with my own money.
Really? That's interesting.

'Cause last time I checked,
you don't have any.

What is Brick paying you

to be his associate?
Two goats a month?

I'll have Brick
make me partner again,

I'll make triple
what I'm making now.

Problem solved.

Well, that's definitely
gonna happen.

Until...
Oh, my...!

Until then, I will
start on the cabinets.

I will kill you if you
touch another cabinet.

Fine. I'll start on the closets.
Same goes for the closets!

Fine, I'll start on
the... bookshelves.

I just need to go
and get some tools.

Oh!

All right.
You got your Phillips head,

got your flat head,

got your combination square,

and that pretty little
lady I call Big Mama.

Ah! Geez!
(laughs)

Did you see that?

I almost gave
myself a stigmata.

Damn it, Zoe's right.

I can't remodel a house.

I... you know, I'm not even sure
I can carry that tool box.

Look, man, it's easy,
all right?

Literally all you do

is point

and shoot.

That easy.

You just drilled a hole--
in your wall.

Yeah, it's no biggie.
I'll hang something over it.

(Wade chuckles)

You are a very manly man.

And you are a very creepy one.

No, I mean, like,
you're a badass. Really.

You know... you know what
you're exactly like?

Wiley Kincaid,

the protagonist of my new book.

Small favor?

You mean beyond
borrowing my tools?

Let me follow you
around for a month.

Six weeks, tops.

No. No.

That's not happening.

Please.

I need to get inside
this character.

I'm in real trouble, man.

You know, my book,
my relationship,

my sanity...
they're all at stake.

All right, fine.

I'll let you follow me today,

for one day only.

And none of this
acting weird crap, okay? Hmm?

What, me?

I resent the implication.

Prepare yourself, my friend.

There's an 80% chance
you'll be dead by sundown.

Oh...

(car horn honks)

(seagulls calling)

Promise you'll put this up?

There's no problem, Crickett.

Just try to breathe a little.

Okay. Right.
Hey, Crickett.

Don't yell at me!

She seem tenser than ever?

Well, it's hard
to say with Crickett.

Anyway, Brick, I have brought
you some yummy spelt bread.

Five grams of protein a slice.

Five!

Wow. Thanks.

And I was hoping that you'd
make me partner again.

May I remind you

that you gave me
the practice back?

And since you've returned

as an associate,
I'm making more money,

working less, and I get
to boss you around.

Now, why on earth
would I change that?

Because A:
you still owe me

from the whole cabaret debacle.

And B: I deserve it.
I'm a great worker.

This whole Health
and Wellness Month?

My idea.

And we have already almost lost
our 500 collective pounds.

You said it couldn't
be done, not without

a lot of amputations.
It can't, Zoe, bec...

Oh, why? Because
it wasn't your idea?

No, if you would just
listen to me, I'll explain

why it can't happen.

Ugh. Men so stubborn
and impossible.

You know what?

Let's make a wager.

I get the town
to their goal weight,

you give me my half
of the practice back.

And if you lose, you work
every weekend for six months.

You're on.

Knock yourself out, kid.

(chuckles)

(blender whirrs)

Hey, Maybelline,
is that a new apron?

'Cause my goodness,
it brings out your eyes.

Well, good morning,
you big flirt.

"And as our hero
goes about his day,

he stops
for a nutritious snack."

I made you something special.

WADE: Oh, my goodness,
you are the best.

Do you mind
putting this on my tab?

Course.
My pleasure, darlin'.

Thanks, sweetheart.
You have a good day.

Wait, you have a tab
at the Butterstick?

The best kind of tab, too.

The kind they
don't make me pay.

(chuckles)

Oh, well...

if it isn't the bride-to-be.

Hello, Elodie, ladies.
(chuckles)

More big news.

Jackson and I have decided
to have a Mardi Gras wedding,

so we're getting married
next month.

Bridesmaid dress shopping
Monday.

Next month. Wow!

Are you okay?

Maybe it was insensitive of me

to ask you to be a part
of my wedding party

when you're still waiting on
your own beau to propose.

I'm fine!

I am just wondering how
we're gonna fit in

all these festivities
in one short month.

Oh, we will.

Though, Crickett says
she's too busy

to plan my bachelorette party.

You know what?

I'll throw it!

Because I am just

so excited to be
in this wedding!

Y'all free tonight?

I will clear my schedule, A.B.

You are a darling.

I am.

Y'all better get to the bank
and get some singles.

For the strippers.

You put 'em in... Never mind.

Hello, friends.

I'm Don Todd, and this is
my Monster Golf Safari.

This man is a god.

George, I've come
to engage your services.

What are your legal needs?

The mayor has denied my request

to house exotic animals
on my property.

So I need you to appeal it.
Or sue or something.

Not again with
the wolverines, Tom.

Oh-ho-ho, I wish.

Now, three alpacas.

Okay, that's actually not crazy.

Not crazy like a fox.

It's me and Wanda's dream
to have our own alpaca farm.

I've been saving for
months for the pen.

And I've walked Delma's cats,

I've weeded,
Sergeant Jeffries' garden.

I've taken nearly
every odd job in town.

Which explains the sign.

All I need is another
$372 and a license

and for you to take
my case pro bono.

Talk to Lavon for me.

All right,
I will go talk to him.

Oh, awesome!

You are gonna love these
alpacas, G.T.

So soft. (chuckles)

Hey, we'll give you
the first sweater.

Oh.

Oh! That's...

completely not necessary, Tom!

So...

our hero gets ready for work.

What does that entail?

Well, dirty shirt comes off,
clean one goes on.

But don't tell anybody that.
That's a trade secret. (laughs)

Oh, I noticed earlier that, uh,
your socks don't match.

Is that some kind of
antiestablishment gesture?

The gesture is... one hand goes
in the sock drawer,

two socks come out.

Two socks come out.
This is gold.

(knocking)

Hey, Wade.
Come here, you.

My goodness, you look pretty today.
Well, thank you.

You better pay that cable bill.

This one's pink.

Yikes. Roger that.

Oh, hey, uh, I got these, uh...

these speakers
that I got to return.

Now, I got a return address,
but I don't have a box or tape.

No problem.
I mean, you are sweeter

than a box of jelly donuts.

Get out of here
before I eat you up.

(chuckles)
All right, bye, now.

Your...

postal carrier
personally picks up

and packs your packages?

Yeah. How do you mail yours?

I go to the post office.

They still have those?

Yeah.

And two and three and down.

One and two and three and down.

One. That's it,
Sergeant Jeffries.

More swivel.
Good job.

Yeah, I've been
working on my form.

BRICK: Oh, it's a fun class.
Dr. Hart!

My hips are loving this.

You know, the Health
and Wellnessneonth

was a great idea.

I'm just sorry in advance
you're gonna

lose that bet.

Zoe, good news.

I found a new way
into my protagonist.

I am modeling Wiley after Wade.

He's letting me
follow him around for research.

Aw, man.
I was gonna read that book.

Yeah, I'm waiting for the movie.

ZOE: Well, good luck
with that, Joel.

Meanwhile, I'm going to be
full-fledged partner again.

So, boom!

Brick caved?
That does not seem like him.

Well, not exactly.
But he bet me

that I couldn't get the town
to meet their target weight.

He's so gullible.
I set the goal super easy

just to help morale.
Yes! I'm back!

Yeah, you're not gonna win
that bet.

I gotta agree with Wade
on this one. Sorry.

(chuckles)
What?

Wait-- that sign is wrong.
Cake Fest isn't for two weeks!

No, the Belles
have been going around town

putting up new signs all day.

Crickett changed the date.

Obviously, Brick knew.

Beautiful day, Dr. Hart.
Sort of the icing

on a beautiful week,
don't you think?

I'll kill him.
I'll kill him!

Easy, easy.

What's the big deal?

It's not like anybody
in this town likes pastries.

(laughs)

I'm sorry.
You know what?

Why don't you just follow him
into the Gulf and keep walking?

Noted.

Hey, Crickett! How are you?

Great. Never better.
How are you?

Well, I'm a little confused.

Why did you choose
to move up Cake Fest?

Don't you know that Health and
Wellness Month has one day left?

The past 29 days, this
town has worked tirelessly

on moderation and
mindful consumption.

And you want to have a party

where the main theme is cake?!

Yes, I realize
the timing is unfortunate.

And I am sorry,
Dr. Hart, but there are

things a Belle leader must do

that a common layperson
like yourself

just wouldn't understand.

Yeah. I'm just asking you
to move it back a week.

Dr. Hart does have a point.
Maybe we should just...

Tut! Sadie, if the world
fell off its axis

and you somehow found yourself
in charge of the Belles,

you can make decisions.

But last time I checked,
I hold the glitter gavel.

So what I say goes.

Cake Fest is tomorrow.

But... Damn it, that
cake smells amazing.

(coughs)

Your hovering is hampering
my enjoyment of this cardboard.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hover.

I'm actually here on business.

Of what nature?
Well, I would like to formally

petition the mayor's office
on behalf of Tom and Wanda Long

to reconsider the decision

regarding their exotic animal
application.

No.
Seriously?

Lavon, alpacas,

they're harmless.
They don't even have any teeth.

Lavon Hayes is mayor.
Application redenied.

LUCY:
Wade Kinsella,

as my favorite customer,
I've got a bonus

for you today.
Oh, yeah?

Zac Brown Band.

You should take
your new sweetheart.

Hey, Vivian's gonna love these.

You, Lucy, are a gem.

Chuck's a fool
for not seeing that.

That's what I told him, honey.

(chuckles)

Do you have any idea
how hard it is

to get Zac Brown Band tickets?

Zoe's mom couldn't
even get us some.

Well, I mean, they're not even
front row, so...

Have you slept with every woman
we've met today?

I mean... not all of 'em.

Most.

Yes, yes,

Joel, my young friend,
I have lived,

and I have lived well.

That's all behind me now,
you know?

I got a serious girlfriend,
a real job.

You want a story,
you should have

followed me around
a couple years ago.

Man, that would've been a book.

But now?

I'm all domesticated and stuff.

Pretty boring.

(men arguing)

Oh, man, are you serious? Again?

MAN: You go there?
You went there!

If you think you can just spoil
The Sopranos like that for me,

well, you got another
thing coming!

Sopranos has been off
the air for years!

You can't call spoilers!

I know it's been off
the air for years!

What? You think I'm ignorant?
I know you are.

Hey, hey!
Break it up, all right?

This is a respectable
establishment.

And I know y'all
ain't gonna make me

drag out my speech on civility.

No, no, no need for that.
Come on. We're good, I swear.

Hey, that's what I thought.

We all know how The Sopranos
ends, fools. (laughs)

You call that boring?

Are you kidding?
You're a cowboy, Wade.

You-You are a real cowboy.

Well... maybe I am.

(chuckles)

What do you mean, all your male
entertainers are booked tonight?

You listen to me, Miguel.

I expect more from a place
called "The Booty Revue."

Now, so help me, I will come
down there and shove one

of those banana hammocks
right up your... What?

Oh, no, sir,
you are being uncalled for!

A.B., what's going on
in here?

I'm, uh...

concerned.

Just...
trying to find a stripper

'cause I am throwing Elodie
a bachelorette party tonight!

All right, well,
that's nice of you.

But I can't find
a male entertainer

or a decent venue.

And it just means that this
bachelorette party's

gonna be, like, the worst ever!

Sweetheart, now, if there's
anyone that can put

this thing together, it's you.

Oh, thank you.

Also, Lavon...

darling, have you ever...?

AnnaBeth, Lavon Hayes

is a man of repute, a mayor.

Not an exotic dancer.

I say no to the pole.

Hey, Shakespeare,
uh, I gotta head out.

Oh, good, let me just grab
my notebook.

Sorry, amigo, this stop
on the Wade-Along's

gotta be a solo mish.

Vivian just called.
Harley's flu broke.

And, uh, he's got a playdate
with her sister,

which means Viv and I
get a little solo time,

if you know what I mean.

Say no more.

Have fun.

I've, uh, bothered you
enough already.

I'll just call my editor
and tell her that I died.

Dude, we only had
a couple hours left. Come on.

No, really, I really should have
gotten myself a backup career,

you know, like...
like accountant.

People always need accountants.

Hey, hey, look,

you, you really want to
know what it's like to live

in the shoes of
Wade Kinsella, hmm?

Put down the pencil

and put on the shoes.

I-I couldn't.

Hey, Wanda,
Joel's tending bar tonight.

Anybody orders anything you
don't know, just Google it.

Just Google it.
Peace out, amigo.

Yeah, th-- hey, th-th-thank you
for this opportunity.

(exhales)

Oh, thanks.

Mm-hmm.
Thank you.

Huh?

(gasps)

Hello.

Yeah, I'm in here.

What's going on in here?

Oh, Elodie got engaged,

and I'm just so happy
for her that I've decided

to throw a bachelorette party.

(chuckles)

Okay, that is obviously
not true at all,

but before we address
your mental breakdown,

I need you to talk
to Crickett with me.

Oh, why?

Because she moved up Cake Fest.

I noticed that--
odd choice.

Yeah, that fat and
sugar parade is going

to ruin my Health and
Wellness Challenge,

which means I won't get
my partnership back,

which means Joel's going
to have to remodel our house,

which means Joel will probably
electrocute himself and die.

Oh, that's too bad.

I liked Joel.

You know, I do think
he gets a bad rap, though,

on the message boards
for Dash's blog.

Okay, so will you
help me talk to her?

Well, Crickett

is much more reasonable
when she's tipsy,

and luckily I just bought
a ton of booze

in hopes,
by getting people drunk,

they will not notice

the truly shoddy entertainment
I've hired tonight.

You like bachelorette parties?

Sure.

Blue Hawaiian.

Brings out
your lovely blue eyes.

Nice, that one actually made it
into the glass.

Aren't you the sweetest?

Oh!

Why, thank you.

I am gonna crush you!

Hey, I am gonna destroy you!

When I'm done with you,
you won't be able

to eat solids for a week!
You won't be able to see straight!

Hit me, I dare you!

Come on, hit me!

I dare you!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, g-gentlemen!

Take a shot!
Gentlemen, stop it!

Hey, now!
Now, uh... do we, uh...

do we have to talk
about civility?

Get out of my way, four-eyes.

Come on, man, look.

I just, uh... I don't want
to see you get hurt.

Why?

Don't you think
Little Zach Druker

can take care of himself, huh?

This guy?

How about I show you? Yeah.

Yeah, you, big-mouth four-eyes.

Me.

Showdown tomorrow
behind the Dixie Stop at noon.

Tomorrow.

(chuckles)

Come on!

Joel?

Are you really gonna
fight Little Zach?

Not a fight.

A showdown-- at high noon.

I'm a cowboy.

(indistinct chatter)

A.B., how's everything? Okay.

All right, is now
a good time to talk

about why you are throwing this
party for that horrible girl?

Nope, I got to go get ready.

We're gonna play a game called
"Pin the Junk on the Hunk."

And then I'm gonna take
that pin and slit my wrists.

Oh! Bye.

(whistling)

Hello there, sir.
Hey!

See my bar's
still in one piece.

How was your walk in my shoes?

So amazing.

Do you remember
those two guys from before?

Little Zach and Big Tom?

They got into another scuffle.

I tried to break it up.
Didn't work.

So, me and the little one,
we are fighting

tomorrow

in an alleyway at noon.

Wh-What?

You're fighting Little Zach?

Yeah.

Bad.

Ass.

No, Little Zach is mean.
I once saw him

beat up an old man for taking

the last scone
at the Butterstick.

Fighting him is

a terrible idea!

Well, I threatened
to give them a speech

on civility, like you did,
but that didn't work.

Yeah, you know why? Becau...

Because this is
my speech on civility.

All right?
First time they fought,

I had to ring
their bells with it.

Well, that is information
that would've been good to know

before you left me at the bar!

(knocking)

Yeah?

Tom? Did I order a pizza?

Oh, yeah, that's not for you.

What did Lavon say?

Oh, uh, man, he said no.

Uh, I'm sorry, Tom.
I knew it was a long shot,

but I did file some papers

with the county, so...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He-he-he said no
and you just let him?

No. I mean, Tom,
he seemed pretty firm about it.

I am going to great lengths,

long, long, Tom-Long lengths,

to make this farm
happen for Wanda.

The least you can do is fight
the good fight with Lavon.

Okay.

You know what?
You're right, you're right.

I'm gonna go over there
right now.

And I will not take no
for an answer.

How's that?

Good. Thank you.

You're welcome.
Now, go deliver that pizza

before it gets cold.

(chuckling):
Oh, I do so envy

your innocence, George Tucker.

(women whooping)

SADIE:
Come on, boys!

Take it off!

Just shake it!

Ooh, ooh!

In your, uh,
trained medical opinion,

how much alcohol
do you need to consume

to erase horrifying memories?

Some scars never heal.

(whooping)

Are you having fun?

So much fun!

Hiring Tom and Meatball

was a hilarious idea.

You are such a hoot!

The humor must help you
through the rough times.

But don't worry, dear!

I am sure that your time
for all this

is fast approaching.

Oh, you get back here!

(women clamoring)

(sighs)
Okay, so...

what happens
if I tell Little Zach

that I won't fight him?

Well, this might surprise you,

but Little Zach isn't
all that clever.

He will probably
call you "chicken"

or "four-eye"
and then knock you out.

What would you do?

This isn't about me.

Yes, true, but if some stranger

in a bar challenged you
to a showdown,

even if you knew that you were
gonna get your ass kicked...

I'd fight him anyway.

Okay, fine.

Then that's-that's
what I have to do.

Look, Joel, have you ever
even thrown a punch?

No.

But you're gonna teach me how.

How do you...?

(clears throat)

(women whooping)

Crickett?

Have I told you how beautiful
that color is on you?

Thank you.

Do you know
what it reminds me of?

A gold filling.

Like the one
BlueBell's gonna need to get

after eating
all your sugary cakes.

I can't change it!

I wish I could,
but I can't, okay?

Why not?

Because.

Mind your own beeswax is why!

Oh!

(groans)

(gasps)

Too many tequila.

I...

n-need doctor.

DON TODD: Today we're setting up base
camp at the base of Mt. Kilimanjaro.

(laughs)

Where the atmosphere is so thin

that the ball just explodes
off the club face.

Not unlike a... a man's eyeball
who's this high above sea level.

Okay! Everything's going black!
(door opens)

It's going black!
(door closes)

Why don't they give small town
mayors secret service?

George, what do you want?

Lavon, I am done
tiptoeing around you.

Why did you deny Tom
and Wanda's application?

Because I did.

Alpacas are dangerous.

Lavon, you have a pet alligator.

Okay? What the hell's
going on here, man?

Wanda asked me
to do her a favor.

She doesn't want
the damn alpacas.

She was afraid to tell Tom.

Well, that's good to know.

And no need
to tiptoe around me.

If I wanted to turn your face
inside out, I would've.

You would've tried.

Good point. Good point.

See you around, Lavon.

Yeah.

I have not felt this bad

since the Delta Sig Redneck Ball

my sophomore year.

Here.

AnnaBeth, who cares
that Elodie found

some other nitwit to marry?

It's not a competition.

You're right.
I know you're right.

And we are taking steps.

Last week, he got me

my own toothbrush holder.

See? Progress.

And we've agreed
to taking it slow.

And I'm fine with waiting.

I told him I was fine
with waiting.

So, you're not?

I don't know. I just...

He has all the power.

And all I can do is sit around

and wait for him
to change his mind.

(retching nearby)

(coughing)

Right, but so what

if you're alone forever?

At least you didn't
bankrupt the Belles.

Oh, Crickett, no.

Cake Fest is a moneymaker.

I need that money
to pay our charter dues,

or it's hasta lavista, Belles.

They will kill me.

Well, at least
that explains things.

(hiccups)

Now, if you ladies
will excuse me,

I have some cakes to bake.

(people talking, laughing)

All right, it's the last
day of the challenge,

the bike ride!

Let's loosen up those
hammies, people!

MEATBALL:
Oh, man.

I forgot what
deliciousness looked like.

So you're really going
through with this?

Cellulite wins again.

How could you
bankrupt the Belles?

Shh!

I spent our cash reserves
buying the Belles' love.

Spa days,

makeovers, designer handbags.

A lottery for
a Hawaiian vacation.

Oh, Crickett.

Oh, I'm really sorry
about your health month.

ZOE:
Well...

we'll just pre-burn
those cake calories.

All right, guys,
we're gonna finish strong!

50 miles instead of 20!

Let's do this thing!

...Sorry, doc.

Those Hummingbird cakes
look too good.

Sayonara, health food!

Come on!

WADE: All right, here
we go, buddy, come on.

All right, all right,
here we go.

Whoa, whoa...
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whatever you do,
don't tuck your thumbs

into your fists, all right?

You'll break them, not him.

Little Zach's gonna
kill me, isn't he?

Yeah.

(sighs)
Look, Joel,

maybe it's time
to face facts, all right?

You're not a badass
or a cowboy,

and you shouldn't try to be.

But you, Joel Stephens,
as you are...

should be happy.

Right? You're-you're
a smart dude,

you got a great girl.

Great career.

I- I should probably be
following you around.

Well, I'm kidding, but...

But what about
Little Zach, though?

He's gonna be looking for me.

Don't worry about it,
all right?

I'll take care of him.

(sighing):
Oh, good.

'Cause I-I probably
do need my hands...

for typing.

Right. Okay.

I don't get it!

So why don't we get our permit?

It-It's complicated, Tom.

You are a bad, mean mayor!

(Wanda gasps)
GEORGE: Okay. Hold on.

Wanda...
is there anything

you'd like to say here?

Okay, fine!

Tom, I don't want alpacas.

Their eyes are too big
and they scare me.

They don't even have teeth!

But I knew how much
you wanted them.

So I asked Lavon

not to give us the per pt.

(stammering)

They are not scary, Wanda.

They're cute.

I mean, think of the wool!

Think of the sweaters!

Think of the Kleenex box cozies!

No...
I...

I'll do everything.

I'll feed them,

and I'll walk them, and I...

No.
I-I'll love them.

No way.

(chuckles)

Think our work's done, yes?

Yeah.

Yeah, think so, and, uh...

and us?

Okay, look:

I am sorry about Lynly.

I really did like her,

but I should've been honest
with you from the start.

And... yeah,

I probably could have
ended things with her...

a little earlier.

Yeah, well...

she probably would've burned
Tansy's hair off anyway,

so, uh, lesson learned?

Lessons learned.

(laughing):
Indeed.

Indubitably.

(laughing)

BRICK:
Oh, Dr. Hart.

Is that frosting on your cheek,

or-or your tears making
your mascara run?

Fine.

I surrender.

From the way this
town has taken

to shoving cake in their faces,

you have obviously won the bet.

I remain your humble servant,

my house stays in shambles,

and the Belles live
to see another day.

So you'll, uh, be
on call this weekend.

I'm gonna go visit
Lemon and my mother.

Poor things.
Yeah.

You got it, boss.

Or maybe I'll take
a long weekend in Bermuda.

(sighs)

AnnaBeth?

Sweetheart?

Oh...

(moans)

(chuckles)

I heard you had yourself
quite a night.

Yeah, tequila is
Satan's drink of choice.

Yeah.

Well, don't worry.

You'll feel better after
you eat something greasy.

Actually, I don't think I will.

Lavon, can we talk?

Well, howdy there, cowboy.

I thought you would be,

I don't know, at the rodeo

or remodeling some stables.

Fine, okay.

I realize I, uh,
went a little crazy.

Of course we can
hire a contractor.

I'll pay whatever we need to.

Well, you'll have to,
because I lost the bet.

(laughs)

Well, I'm sorry
that I even suggested

that I, uh, do it myself.

Um...

Tom is right.

I should probably
scrap my whole book

and just start from scratch.

Leave the cowboy writing
to the real cowboys.

Joel Stephens,
no, you are wrong.

Your way with words,

your brain,

your courage to face every day

knowing you could go
into anaphylactic shock

from mold or-or pollen

or peanuts... that is
pretty badass, my friend.

I know that you can
write a great book.

I believe in you.

Thank you.

You know what?

I gotta do something.

Wait!
What-what kind of something?

(shouting) Thanks for
being on time, guys!

Let's make this quick so we can
get some pizza after this!

Yeah!

(chanting):
Fight! Fight!

Let's do this!
Yeah!

All right, now,
let's show him who's boss.

You ready to do this?

Hey, Wade.

I got no beef with you.

I'm waiting for your friend.

Yeah, well, he's not coming.

Wh... your pal
dissed Little Zach.

He has to pay.

With all due respect, sir.

Look, it's over,
man, all right?

Let me buy you a drink.

Well, a bunch of drinks,
all right?

Come on.
I like the beard, man.

You look great.

Well, hello...

four-eyes.

(laughing):
Four-eyes!

It's amazing, as if on cue!

All right, it's all right.

Well, how you doing there...

shrimpy?

Wade, did you see that?

I hit that guy, just
like you taught me!

I see what you meant
by thumbs out, though;

that really...
(yelling)

My God!

I'm gonna kill you,
four-eyes!

(yelling)

Next time, we're gonna
work on defense, all right?

(yelling)
He's so angry!

He's so angry!

Okay.

♪ Long ago when I was young

♪ Faith alone
could make no more ♪

♪ Oh, my God

♪ Oh, my God...

Thanks for helping out.

Oh, I know all about
making mistakes,

believe me.

There you go.

One cookies and cream
for Sheriff Bill.

I promise to run
twice as far tomorrow.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

Health and Wellness Month
is pretty much over.

But a health and
wellness lifestyle

can last a healthy lifetime.

Totally.

♪ Be my soul

♪ That never could see

♪ You said in your heart

♪ Be still your goals

♪ That never could breach

♪ The walls of your...

♪

George.

You look nice today.

Can I get you
a table? Coffee?

I'm not here for coffee.

Well, then, what?

We should go out sometime.

Okay.

I-I guess I still
don't understand.

We are making progress.

I-I got you the new
toothbrush holder.

And I appreciate it, I do.

I get that you've
been burned before.

That you want to take it slow.

But I'm 31 years old.

And we've been together a year.

And I knew...

in just one month,

with absolute certainty,

that you are
the love of my life.

Well, good.

So what's the problem?

(laughs)

Well, there doesn't
have to be a problem.

I mean, I'll wait
to get married

ten years, 100, forever...

...if you can tell
me one thing.

After nearly 365 days together,

do you know for sure

if I am the love of your life?

I love you.

So much.

Well, I guess...

there's nothing else
to say, then, is there?

♪ No way out

♪ I can see the morning coming

(audience cheering)

(Zoe gasps)

Oh, my God, what happened?

Well, your cowboy got
in his first gunfight.

Lucky for him, he's got
a doctor in his corner.

Thanks.

Honey, we need to get you
some ice for that.

And then we need to talk about

where we're gonna live,
'cause Duke said

that the remodel is
going to take two months.

And I'm not going back
to the Whippoorwill.

Zoe, I just got my ass kicked.

I got clocked in the face.

It's kind of sexy, right?

Come here.

(laughing)

(cheering)