Hart of Dixie (2011–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - One More Last Chance - full transcript

Please tell the Governor
that BlueBell is not,

and will never be interested
in merging with Fillmore.

Fillmore supports the merger.

He's gonna try and take
over the whole town.

I have a little boy who gets me
up at 5:30 in the morning.

I tried to hang, but I just
can't, and I didn't want

to tell you
that I'm a tired old loser.

I can handle a tired old loser.

It was really sweet what you said earlier
about not being able to resist me.

I mean, I could just
stop... resisting.

Lynly and I... we're not going away,
so you can bury your head in the sand,



or you can grow up,
you can accept it.

You were with George and Tansy. Do you
think he still has feelings for her?

Sometimes I think I never
should have let you go.

JOEL: Here's one. "Two bedrooms.
Wrap-around porch." Nice.

Uh, "Street parking".
I can deal with that.

"Landfill adjacent".
And that's a no.

(grunts)

Look, I'm not saying I'm
in favor of this merger,

but if BlueBell does
become part of Fillmore,

at least we'll have more
houses to choose from.

That is not funny.

Look, we have two
viable options. Just pick one.

All right, well, fine. I say we go
with the one on Oak Street, then.

- What? No, not that one.
- So, when you said pick one, you...



Oak Street has termites, okay?
I hate bugs.

Even if we tent, I would picture
them crawling all over me.

Just, no. No, no.

We need to go with
the fixer-upper on Elm.

That house is next
to Crickett and Stanley.

Are you kidding me?
No, no, I cannot live

near people who sing
show tunes all day. I still

have PTSD from the summer
I lived below Mandy Patinkin.

- Oh, not this again.
- There's still your Aunt Winifred's house.

Now that you're all BFF-y with
the Wilkes, maybe she'll rent to us.

No. No, no, no, no. I have been
warned about Wicked Winifred.

Vivian says that Cruella de Vil
would be a better landlord.

Yeah, but do you remember
those built-ins?

I mean, what's a few Dalmatians
compared to those built-ins, right?

Look, I finally have a family I like, you
know, and I don't want to mess it up.

We'll figure something out.

WADE:
Aloha, Joel.

Doc. Beautiful day to save
BlueBell, don't you think?

Well, you
seem chipper.

Well, Vivian's introducing me
to little Harley this afternoon.

Yeah, you must be excited to finally have
a playdate with an intellectual equal.

Hilarious, Doc, but no.
This is a test.

Once I hit it off with the young one,
I get to move forward with the mom.

- JOEL: Forward?
- Upstairs to the boudoir.

- Ew, gross!
- So, you and Vivian haven't, uh...?

Wow, dude, that is,
uh... that is unexpected.

Yeah, well, Vivian's, uh...
I don't know... different.

I like her.

So I'm trying this new thing.
I think people call it dating.

You know, hand holding,
taking her out to dinner.

Stuff you see 'em do
on The Bachelor.

I even spent hours, literally
hours, the other night,

talking to her
batty Aunt Winifred.

Are you kidding me?

No, we got into a whole thing about
Kenny Rogers' plastic surgery and...

Vivian won't let Joel
and I meet Aunt Winifred,

because she says
she's awful and mean.

She's not mean. Opinionated,
maybe, but hell, she loves me.

Maybe, uh... maybe Vivian just
thinks you two are embarrassing.

(stammers)

(car horn honks)

(seagulls calling)

(birds singing)

Season 3, Episode 11
"One More Last Chance"

Thanks to the Governor's sister
falling in love with our town,

Lieutenant Governor Alex P. Byrd arrives
in BlueBell in less than 48 hours.

I looked him up.
Alex Byrd is very handsome.

Oh, Wanda!

Now, he's only gonna be here
for two hours,

but I'm sure we can pack in a lot
of charm in that tiny little window.

And we will halt this merger by getting
Bluebell declared a historic landmark.

- Hmm. That's nearly a plan.
- What? You don't think it'll work?

I make a fantastic first impression!
How could Vivian be embarrassed of us?

LAVON: Now, the one challenge
that we all face is that, uh, well,

not too many historically significant
events have actually happened here.

So, when the Lieutenant Governor
arrives,

we're gonna have to put on
our best BlueBell smile...

and... and wing it.

And there's the nonsense
we all know and love.

We're gonna have to tell him
everything that we can think of

that-that might, that just might,
convince him of our historic relevance.

Oh. My mom's toilet
in her bathroom is really old.

And I mean, I was saving it for Antiques
Road Show, but I would be happy to...

No historic commodes, Tom.
No. No, no. No.

This visit is of the highest
stakes for BlueBell,

which means no
fighting, no whining,

no drama.

George and Lynly will hand out
your assignments, and I expect

everyone in town square tomorrow
at 11:00 a.m. for rehearsal.

Thank you.

(applause)

Compulsory tomfoolery.
I love this place!

(crowd chatter)

Hey, Lynly, you up
for another mani-pedi party?

Absolutely.
I'll bring snacks.

Uh, well,
y'all are hanging out now?

With you busy saving BlueBell,
and Tansy broken up with Scooter...

- Oh. You broke up with Scooter? Ah.
- You were right. He's a jerk.

- Is us hanging freaking you out?
- No!

No, not at all. No.

I-I... I used to date
my best friend's ex-wife.

My best friend. But then
he was dating my ex-fiancée,

and now you're hanging out
with my ex-girlfriend.

It's all part of that BlueBell charm!
It is. It's super.

It is super duper.
Next!

Hey!

- Oh, sorry I'm late.
- Hey, sweetie.

Ooh.

You look marvelous.

Billy Crystal.
(laughs)

- Hey.
- Oh. No, we're in a fight.

- We are?
- Yes. We are.

Why did you let Wade meet
Aunt Winifred...

Who he said is not mean...
and not me and Joel?

- Are you ashamed of us?
- Okay, Zoe, I'm sorry.

I did sort of mislead you about Winifred.
Wade's right; she's not mean.

- But you really can't meet her.
- She will hate you.

- What? Why?
- Because you're a New Yorker.

She has two exes from New York.
She blames the city.

Spreads to Connecticut. And Pennsylvania,
north of Route 80. (phone chirps)

Look, I'm so sorry. I know you guys love
that house, but she is not gonna budge.

Hey, great news.

The captain of the Fairhope senior
slow pitch softball team died.

Which is sad, but they
had to forfeit the game

to go to his funeral, and now
guess who's playoff bound.

Ooh, game one is tomorrow night!

Tomorrow night is my date with Wade,
which I'm very excited about,

and you're gonna take Harley
and you're gonna have a sleepover...

Maybe someone else in the family
could do it.

Yes.

Joel and I would love to hang out
with Harley. I adore that kid.

And he adores you,
and so do I.

You're totally saving my life.
Thank you.

You're welcome.
And if you could mention

the saving the life part
to Aunt Winifred...

- She wouldn't care.
- Would only hate you more.

(on TV): Hi. It's Don Todd, and
today we're on Easter Island

- What...?
- to learn how to concentrate on our shots

even when people
are watching you.

Like, really watching you.

Hey, babe, how was your
afternoon with Tansy?

Not so good.

- W-Why? W-What happened?
- It wasn't my fault. It was an accident.

There was this whole
misunderstanding and...

Hey, Tansy, you in there?
Is everything okay?

Do I look okay?

Look what your girlfriend did
to my hair!

See, I-I really think
she's mad at me.

Wait, you never raced a soapbox derby?
Man, we got to change that.

Hey, look, I can help you;
I'm good with cars.

Can my car be red
with a silver stripe?

Eh, stripes are pretty cool, but
what about a lightning bolt?

(gasps, chuckles)

Hey, Wade?

- Wanna hold my salamander, Cecil?
- Heck yeah, come here.

Oh, when he lets you hold Cecil,
that means he likes you.

Must run in the family.
(chuckles)

Hey, Mom?

Cecil wants ice cream.

Oh, he does?
Okay, let me guess, chocolate?

Uh-huh.
(chuckles)

- I'll be right back.
- Yeah.

Man, he is so cool.

So, uh, Cecil's got pretty
discriminating tastes, huh?

What else does he like?

Not you.

- Come again?
- He hates you, everything about you.

What's that?

Oh.

He says he's gonna kill you in your
sleep unless you break up with my mom.

Well, that is a, uh, very
articulate salamander. (Chuckles)

♪

Look at these cute diaper bags.

Oh.

Aw. Look, custom-made diapers.

Oh, Lord, what are they
gonna think of next?

What's wrong with them?

Well, you're gonna use
about ten of those a day

for the first few months,
because basically all babies do

is they eat, poop,
sleep, repeat.

Well, thank you for that
inspiring vision of parenthood.

Honey, I'm just trying
to prepare you for the reality,

and believe me, you are gonna
love all the poop.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I am supposed to go
through our medical records

to see if anyone
of historical note

has ever actually
been treated here.

And I don't think
Delma Lewis counts,

even though she has been
to 200 Dolly Parton concerts.

Well, I'll see you
later, sweetie.

- Who's that?
- Oh, that's the Lieutenant Governor.

Does it look okay here?
'Cause we're tryin' to kiss butt.

That's the Lieutenant Governor?

I know.
Way too hot to be a politician.

(chuckles weakly)

Yeah.

Way too hot.

LYNLY: We went through
this last night.

Don't we have better things
to talk about today?

The Lieutenant Governor is arriving.
Lavon needs us.

Right, I totally agree, um...

(clears throat) There are more
important things to talk about,

and I have a lot
of work to do,

but if you could just explain
to me one more time

how you accidentally
burned off Tansy's hair.

It's because she has
this professional curling iron

that doesn't have
a release spring.

So when you hold the iron
too long in one place...

But why would you hold it
for too long?

Because I wanted to get
the curl really good.

I'm a perfectionist.
And then I smelled burning,

and then I let go,
but the clampy thing didn't.

Right, right, right,
the clampy thing.

(chuckles)

Oh, my God,
you don't believe me.

I didn't say that.

Wow. What kind of monster
do you think I am?

Places, everyone!
Rehearsal's up.

And, Lieutenant Governor Byrd,
this is our town gazebo,

designed in 1892 by one
of Alabama's foremost... gazeb-ists.

- Really? Who?
- Uh, one whose name is, um...

Sadly lost to history.

I, Lieutenant Governor Byrd,
am not impressed.

- Look, Crickett.
- Oh.

It's Lieutenant Governor Byrd.
Welcome to BlueBell.

We're Belles.

Allow us to tell you all about
our town's rich historical tradition.

That's your line.

I was pausing for effect.

Can we start over?
Elodie ruined my preparation.

I think this rehearsal
is gonna take a while.

Yep.

Hey, about tonight, um,
where is Harley going to sleep?

I did not think about that.
I don't know, maybe the couch?

Well, what happens when
he falls asleep at 7:30,

and we have to spend the rest of
the night tiptoeing around in the dark?

Didn't really
think that through, either.

You know,
we wouldn't have this problem

is somebody would just get over
their show tune phobia.

You try writing a novel
with someone singing selections

from Evita
over your head all day.

- You're cute when you're infuriated.
- Oh, thanks.

LAVON (clears throat): Governor Byrd,
this is, uh, Dr. Hart,

second-generation town doctor.
A living legacy.

Yes, yep, my dead father
collected coins.

Really old coins.

Really? That's the best
you came up with?

Lieutenant Governor Byrd
is still unimpressed.

And-and this is famous
author, uh, Joel Stephens,

writing his next best seller,
a future classic...

- Uh, a historic novel set in BlueBell.
- It's not really a historic novel.

- It's more of a... It's a modern cowboy.
- Are you trying to kill me, Joel?

(groans)

I'm sorry. I'm freaking out.
I mean...

This town was founded
250 years ago,

and-and Tom's mom's toilet
is our crowning achievement.

Lavon, deep breaths.
He's gonna love this town.

Yeah, I mean, what with
the whole small town,

neighbor helping neighbor sweet
thing you got going on here,

all the historic stuff, that's
just gonna sail right by.

I just need to relax.

- Yeah.
- Unwind.

(Lynly sobbing) Lynly.
You okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry
about me, I'm good.

(groans)

Uh-oh.

- Thank you so much for yesterday.
- Nah...

It was amazing to see
how much Harley liked you.

Yeah, well, uh,
about that.

Look, Harley may have
liked me, but...

Apparently,
if I don't break up with you,

Cecil the salamander
is gonna kill me in my sleep.

No, he just needs
to spend more time with you.

How about tomorrow you come with us
to my Aunt Winifred's crab boil?

- Bring him a toy truck or something.
- Yeah, it sounds great.

Hey,

I promise you, I will
win that kid over.

- All right?
- Okay.

Good.

'Cause I was thinking maybe
we should get dessert to go.

(clears throat)
Waiter!

HARLEY: I don't get it.
Your house is a hotel?

- I think you better take me home.
- No, no, not a hotel.

Bed-and-breakfast, which...
really cool thing...

Means when we wake up
in the morning, breakfast is free.

So is breakfast at my house.
Let's go.

Well, you know something else
that's cool about the Whippoorwill?

Someone else cleans
our room for us. What?

My mom cleans my room.

I miss her.

No! We're gonna
have fun.

What do you usually do
when you're at home right now?

I like to build forts.

Uh, unfortunately,
the furniture here is antique,

which means breakable.

No offense, but this place
isn't very kid-friendly.

My mom says you guys
are nearly married.

Oh, um, I guess...

I suppose that's kind of...
kind of true.

Why wouldn't you want to live
somewhere where you can have a kid?

Or at least a dog or a cat?

Well, we're looking for a new place,
but good real estate is tricky to find.

My dad found a house;
took him two weeks.

- Well, we want to stay right in town.
- And some people don't like bugs.

And some people
don't like singing.

Some people have never heard
of exterminators.

Some people have never
heard of earplugs.

Are some people you guys?
Are you fighting?

No one is yelling, but
it seems like you're fighting.

No, no, it's certainly not...

Sometimes I watch Dr. Phil
with Brando.

You can learn a lot.

So, which one of you
is afraid of commitment?

- What? No, no.
- What? No one. No.

- She doesn't know how to compromise.
- He just refuses to be reasonable.

Me? You're the one who's completely
unreasonable when it comes to singing..

Me? I'm not the one refusing
to deal with one little insect

- Singing is good for the soul.
- That won't even be there when we move in.

- That place has an amazing porch swing.
- That place has an amazing kitchen.

- You have asthma!
- You don't cook!

(grunting)

(chuckling)

I didn't offer you
anything to drink.

- Do you want something to drink?
- No, I'm good.

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

What's going on?
Is everything okay?

It was, and then someone said
something about a dog, and...

I don't feel well.
What happened to your sweater?

He had a stomachache.

Yeah, and you have the letters
"M.D." after your name.

Yes, well, I tried everything, but
he insisted that he needed his mom.

Right, sudden stomachache.

Man, you got played.

Yeah, he used
psychological water boarding.

And he won by a landslide.

ZOE (sighs): Well, I'm sorry
that we ruined your night.

- Me, not so much.
- Let's ride back in silence.

That's the first thing
we've agreed on in hours.

- You're still talking.
- Yes, I am.

VIVIAN:
Okay, let's get you to bed.

- Rain check?
- Of course. (Chuckles)

You little...

Uh, cutie! (Chuckles)

Hope you feel better
soon, mm-hmm.

(sighs)

(sighs)
(door opens)

Hey. I come with
peace offerings.

Little powdered sugar ones.

Thanks.

I, uh...

I'm sorry.

- Last night was just...
- I know. That kid.

He poked and he prodded,
and he poked where he prodded.

Yeah. On the bright side,
looks like young Harley

has a promising future as
a CIA interrogator.

(chuckles) But I will say,
he did make me realize

that we need to get
out of this place.

Oh, agreed, but I'm not
moving to the bug house.

Well, I'm not going
to show tunes-ville.

Well, then I guess we need
Aunt Winifred's house,

'cause it's the only one
that we agree on.

I'm about to hear a long,
cuckoo plan right now, right?

No, the plan is very simple.

See, we have Vivian get us invited
to Aunt Winifred's crab boil today,

and wein Aunt Winifred over,
and she rents us her house.

But how do we get her
to like two New Yorkers?

I'll figure something out.
Or we'll wing it.

I swear, it's like you
and Lavon have the same brain.

Yeah, we're thinking
about changing the town's motto

to "It's so crazy,
it just might work."

But you have to say it
like that.

(grunts)

Well, at least one of us
got a good night's sleep!

Too bad it's not the one who's
got to save BlueBell today.

- (groans) Lavon, what is going on?
- Well, that's what I'd like to know.

I-I just spent the night trying to keep
Lynly's tears from flooding my guest house.

Wait, what?
Hold on.

Why?

- Because you're breaking up with her.
- Never said anything about breaking up.

Though, truth be told, I might be having
some doubts, some serious doubts.

I don't know if you've seen
Tansy recently,

but in a nutshell,
very bad hair day.

I don't want to talk about hair!

The Lieutenant Governor arrives in half
an hour. I need things to go perfectly.

- I understand that.
- Well, good,

'cause you and Lynly are supposed
to be stationed at the Rammer Jammer,

showing love and diversity
in the historic context

and celebrating the anniversary
of your first kiss.

All right, Lavon, I don't know
if I made myself clear,

but me and Lynly, not exactly
in a kissing zone right now.

- So...
- Call her.

Apologize. Fate of BlueBell.

Joel, hey, big news.

Okay, so we are officially
invited to the crab boil, and I know,

I was thinking that maybe you
could fake a seizure at dinner,

because Aunt Winifred would be super
impressed watching me save someone's life.

Right. I'll keep thinking.

(chuckles)

Hey.

- Don't say anything.
- Okay.

It's not that
you're more likable.

Just apparently Aunt Winifred
is a New York-ist.

You know, somewhere I have about
eight billion retorts to that,

but, um, right now I got
my own Wilkes problem.

That you do. Little Harley
sure is a stubborn kid.

Yeah, tell me about it.

My life is being ruined by a cranky
eight-year-old and his talking lizard.

My life is being ruined by a cranky aunt
and her bias against the zip codes.

You know, I could talk
to Winifred if you...

Wade Kinsella, are you
asking me to do you a favor?

No, ma'am. (Chuckles)

No, I'm simply asking
for a mutual exchanging of...

Well, yeah, favors.

You know, you talk me up, I talk you up.
It's win-win.

You really like her, huh?

More than I've liked anyone

since a flaky New Yorker blew into
town, and, oh, yeah, ruined my life.

But I promise I won't
share that with Aunt Win.

(clears throat)

You got yourself a deal.

(clapping)
Everybody, smiles on.

The Lieutenant Governor is here,
and he's very handsome.

The Governor's sister really
couldn't stop talking about BlueBell.

Said it was one of the most
charming towns she'd ever seen.

Oh, well, uh, thank you.

You know, we also pride ourselves on
our importance to the state's history.

And how's that?

(gasps) Lieutenant
Governor Byrd.

The historic BlueBell Belles
welcome you to BlueBell.

We made the "Gazebos of Alabama"
calendar this year.

BlueBell's gazebo has
stood for 167 years.

Weathered Katrina, countless storms,
and witnessed hundreds of proposals,

including my own. (Chuckles)

Well, that is sweet,

if not quite historic.

Mayor Hayes...

Isn't this
the most beautiful day?

Like every day in BlueBell.

Uh, this is Frank.

His roots in town
go back five generations.

He owns the Dixie Stop,
our local grocery.

You know, my grandfather invented
the apple fritter right in our kitchen.

I believe Winchell's
invented the apple fritter.

(chuckles)

I'm a bit of
a history buff.

Mayor Hayes, good morrow!

Ah, well, if it isn't another one
of BlueBell's happy couples.

Uh, this is, uh, Dr. Zoe Hart,

and, uh, and BlueBell's very first
best-selling novelist, Joel Stephens.

Nice to meet you. Actually, my second
novel has been greatly inspired

by BlueBell's unique
small-town culture.

(clears throat)

And rich history.
Have you seen the gazebo?

I-I have.

Lavon, Lavon, Lavon, sorry.
Okay, real quick.

You know I am here for you 100%.
Go, BlueBell.

But would it be
okay if Joel and I

ducked out of town this
afternoon with Wade and Vivian

to go to my Aunt Winifred's
crab boil?

Well, look, I need everything
to go smoothly today.

So you leaving with Wade
and Joel, not a problem.

Hey...

I'll try not to let that
insult me.

Hey, Shelby, I got your text.
W-What's the emergency?

Oh, it's not the baby, is it?

You know that I'm not an actual
medical professional, don't you?

It's not an emergency per se.
I'm just starving,

and there is nothing to eat here,
and Brick is on a house call.

- Why don't you just go into town?
- I can't.

- I'm avoiding somebody.
- Who?

Ugh.

The Lieutenant Governor.

- What? Why?
- If you must know, we slept together.

Eight months ago.

Shelby, are you telling me
that the Lieutenant Governor,

Alex Byrd, is your baby daddy?

(indistinct chatter)

- JOEL: That smells great.
- Focus. We are on a mission.

(sighs) Can't we go
to one Wilkes family event

without some Jane Austen-like
social manipulation plan?

You know, normally I'd agree
with you, but I really

don't want to be murdered
in my sleep by that lizard.

Jane Austen... that name sounds familiar.
Did I sleep with her?

VIVIAN: Hi!

WADE: Hey!

Oh.

You guys really came.

- This is gonna be interesting.
- Wade! Come here! Give me some sugar.

For you, two lumps, Aunt Win.
Come here.

Well, she doesn't seem intolerant.
Oh, well, just you wait.

(clears throat)
Winifred, come here.

I'm delighted to introduce you
to your niece,

Zoe Hart, and her
boyfriend Joel Stephens.

Hi. It's nice to meet you.
You have a great yard.

Yeah, we brought some garlic-butter
sauce for the crabs.

Well, of course you did.

New Yorkers always know
how to do things better.

What? No, I-I...

You bring silverware, too? No need...
us cowpokes, we just eat with our hands.

If you'll excuse me.
I don't need that. (Laughs)

(brief chuckle)

WADE: Hey, bud, got you this.
It's a cement mixer. (Chuckles)

Cecil says he's gonna use it
to mix up your brain.

Oh.

- Hey, Aunt Win! Let's hang!
- Harley, buddy, let's talk!

Of course I lied.

Telling people I got preggo by a sperm
donor sounds a lot better than saying

I got knocked up by some complete
stranger after seven tequila slammers.

(loud slap)

Yeah, I guess
that's true.

AnnaBeth, this is our secret.
Take it to the grave.

- Promise.
- Of course, but...

Maybe this is fate giving you
a second chance to come clean.

Tell Lieutenant Governor Byrd
that he's about to have a chickadee.

No, siree.
What happens in Vegas...

Or in this case, a deluxe double
at the Mobile Inn... no.

I am staying in this house until
the Lieutenant Governor leaves town.

I just need someone
to get me donuts.

Fine. I'm not one
to be all pushy.

But before you eat yourself into
a sugar coma, just... consider this.

One day, that child
is gonna ask about their dad.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay
saying, "Sorry, daughter... or son..."

"But your dad
doesn't even know you exist"?

WADE:
Hey, Aunt Win.

Uh, you know, Joel and Zoe may seem
like your basic Manhattanites,

but Zoe gave up
a very fancy surgical career

in New York
to move back down here.

And I know for a fact that
her favorite movie of all time...

Sweet Home Alabama.

Oh, you know who else loves
Sweet Home Alabama?

My ex, Donna, from Brooklyn.

ZOE: Did you know that my pal Wade has
a massive collection of video games?

Cecil says video games turn
people into demented sociopaths.

I'm not sure that research
backs Cecil up, but...

(clears throat)

Look at that Zoe Hart, just
schmoozing with my little Harley.

After how she ruined
his birthday.

- Hey, do you like root beer floats?
- Cecil does.

Do you know who
makes great ones?

You're gonna say Wade, right?

(quiet sigh)

Y-You know what?
Zoe's not perfect, all right?

She-she gets these ideas
in her head,

and most of the time
they're just plain nutso.

But almost always,

they come from a place of wanting to
do things for the people she loves.

If it looks like I'm trying
to sell you on 'em, it's 'cause I am.

And it's not for her sake,
but for yours.

Honestly, you'd be lucky to call
people like those family.

ZOE: You know what? I didn't like
Wade, either, when I first met him.

He is an acquired taste.

But he is a good guy
with a huge heart.

And one of the best
fort builders I ever met.

And I know you like forts.

WINIFRED:
Zo, where you been hiding?

Why don't you grab
your boyfriend

and that butter sauce
you been bragging about,

and come to my table.
Come on.

WINIFRED:
Come on.

HARLEY:
Hey, Wade.

Is it true that you know
how to build a really cool fort?

Do I know how to build a fort?
(chuckles)

Buster, have you
ever heard of the Alamo?

Guess who built that.
Me, that's who.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Awesome!

WADE: So, anyway,
what you start with...

(bell tinkles)

BRICK:
AnnaBeth, good news.

I have solved the mystery
as to why Shelby's been

so out of sorts
the last couple of days.

What? Shelby's
out of sorts?

Hey. This is her first baby,
and she just wants me

to get in that excited zone
with her, you know.

Yep, that sounds like...

You've solved
the mystery, all right.

(chuckles) And I got her the
cutest onesie you have ever seen.

Oh, come on, give me
a hand wrapping it, will you?

Don't look at me like that.

- Wow. Thanks, Wade.
- Yeah!

This Alamo is awesome.

- How do you get in?
- Well, duh... like all the best forts...

Secret entrance. Ho!

- Cool!
- No? All right.

Hey, uh, man your battle station,
little man, and... hey,

let me, uh, lighten
your load for you.

Your mom'll get mad if you
get stuck in there. (Chuckles)

- WADE: Pretty cool, huh?
- Yeah.

(quietly):
Crap on a crap stick.

WANDA: Lavon's coming with
the Lieutenant Governor,

so get ready to be historical
and charming and spontaneous,

like we rehearsed.

I'm so glad you called.

Now we can put this thing
with Tansy behind us.

- I knew you'd believe me.
- Yep, yep...

It's just, uh, you know,
it's water under the bridge.

We don't even have to talk about it.
We can just focus on... saving BlueBell.

Oh, great... Our
anniversary couple's here.

Tansy, I am truly sorry

about the unfortunate,
um, follicle incident.

But even George here can attest
to the fact that it was an accident.

Does "attest" mean
what I think it means?

For your sake, I hope not.

Oh, look, there's Lavon and
the Lieutenant Governor.

Time to save BlueBell.

You have that anniversary
milkshake for us?

Coming right up.
And I can almost certainly

attest to the fact
that no one's gonna spit in it.

WANDA: Welcome to BlueBell's
very own unique Rammer Jammer,

built on the site
of the original Rammer Jammer.

I-Isn't this
the original Rammer Jammer?

Exactly.
Hallowed ground.

Whoa. Uh, hey,
what-what have we here?

(clears throat) The Rammer Jammer would
like to congratulate Gullible George Tucker

and Crazy Eyes Lynly on the six-week
anniversary of their first kiss.

- OTHERS: Happy anniversary!
- Tansy, that's my cousin there.

Such unusual nicknames.
Where do they come from?

LAVON: Oh, um, handed down
generation after generation.

Ask about the part where
I smelled something burning

and she said it was
popcorn. (laughs)

Is that true what she
just said about the popcorn?

That's what it
smelled like to me.

Well, popcorn and human hair
smell completely different.

Of course you'd believe her.
Why don't you just admit it,

you still have feelings for her.
That's what this is all about.

No, no, no. That's not what I said.
Lynly, listen to me. No, no.

Lynly, please don't cry. Please don't cry.
Okay, smile. Hey.

(nervous chuckle)

OTHERS (chanting):
Kiss! Kiss!

Are-are they gonna kiss?

'Cause this is starting
to get oddly uncomfortable.

Oh, no, don't-don't worry,
they're gonna kiss.

OTHERS (chanting):
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(chanting continues)

(applause)

An historic moment.

Uh... let's get you
a seat outside.

(chuckles)

(panting):
Hi.

Lieutenant Governor Byrd,
I was wondering if you'd

be interested in seeing
my antique commode.

Tom, not now.

My Great-Great-Great Grandma Ernestine
had one of the first indoor toilets.

When Andrew Jackson
came to Alabama

to commemorate the Battle
of Horseshoe Bend,

nature called. (Laughs)

She had him carve
his name in the seat.

Andrew Jackson?

Now, that's historic.

What'd I say?

Uh, okay.

We need to talk.

(crying): Don't say it.
Don't you dare say it.

Oh, I apologize...
I did misjudge you two.

- Oh, no, that's okay.
- We misjudge people all the time.

And I hear you're
looking for a house.

I have a rental... it
just might be perfect.

I've been looking for... just
the right sort of tenants. Mm, mm!

- Really?!
- Yes!

Oh, my gosh,
that would just be...

Hey, Doc, can I...
borrow you for a sec?

Aunt Winifred is telling
us about the house. Can it wait?

- No, it really can't.
- Why? (Gasps)

I lost the rest
of Harley's lizard.

Marian Matthews was right...
this town is special.

And I love the...
historic commode.

Yeah.

Point is, if BlueBell
is looking for historic status

to prevent this merger
with Fillmore...

- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God...
- Well...

- Show me where to sign.
- Whoa!

- Yes! (Laughs)
- Hot damn!

I happen to have
the paperwork right here.

(chuckles)

And your choice of pens.

SHELBY (chuckles):
Not a robber.

Just me, Shelby.

- Shelby, can this wait?
- What the hell's going on?

SHELBY: This will only take a moment.
I'm taking your good advice to heart.

Lieutenant Governor Byrd,
it's been a while, but hi.

- Remember me?
- Shelby, we are right in the middle...

Wait-wait. The Mobile Inn.

Exactly. Bingo.
Excellent memory.

Wow, what was that, uh...
eight months ago?

Oh, no.

- Oh, boy.
- Or girl.

I'm not sure which yet.
Anyhoo, I want to make it

very clear that I am not expecting
commitment or financial support.

I just thought it was right
to let you know

that I am carrying the child
that we made together

with the help of our
friends, vodka and tequila.

Okay, then.
On with your business.

(clears throat)

Maybe sign the paperwork first,
then process what just happened.

Or not.

That salamander was Harley's best friend.
How could you guys lose him?

In good news, I once dated a veterinarian
who told me that salamanders,

they regenerate
their tails.

Yeah, thanks for the backup, okay, but
Cecil took off for the hills, all right?

A-And telling a kid that, oh,
at least his tail's gonna grown back

isn't gonna make him
feel any better.

Yeah, well,
we better figure out what will.

Mom, Cecil's gone.

Oh, sweetie, I know.
Maybe he'll come back.

Maybe he'll love
being free and unshackled.

HARLEY:
Cecil is a pet. He'll get eaten.

I knew I never should
have put my backpack down.

It's all my fault.

Whoa, no, no, no, buddy.
Uh...

Look, there's something
I should tell you.

It's not your fault Cecil
took off, okay? It's...

ZOE:
It's mine. Yeah.

You know, I-I was
looking for lip balm,

and I saw your backpack

on the ground, so-so I thought,
maybe there's some in there,

and I unzipped it,

and Cecil, he just...
whoosh!... he just ran out.

And I tried to catch him,
but... man, he's fast.

So after rooting through
a backpack that isn't yours,

looking for lip balm, you lose
an eight-year-old's beloved pet,

and you don't bother
to tell anyone till now?

(softly): When my lips are really dry...
sometimes I have trouble talking.

Ah. Just like my ex, Shaquira...
from Queens!

She had dry lips, too... and
no regard for anyone else.

There will be no house for you.

Mm-mm!

I hate you.

(sighs)

(knocking)

Hey.

(sighs)
Can we talk?

- Look, Lynly, I...
- Look...

Maybe I did, subconsciously,
burn Tansy's hair off,

but it's only because I saw the two
of you on the boat deck the other night,

and I knew... you were
gonna want her back.

Wow.

So that's what started all this?

Look, Lynly,

yes, Tansy and I do have history
and that doesn't just go away,

but that was nothing, and I'm sorry
if you got hurt at all by what you saw.

You warned me from the start
that you were damaged goods.

Yes, I did, but...

Guess the fact that
I burned Tansy's hair off

means I'm still
kind of damaged myself.

Boy, my parents
are gonna be mad.

Well, you know what,
you could feel free

to just blame it all
on me, okay?

Oh, I will.
(chuckles)

Look, for whatever
it's worth,

Lynly, you really did bring me
back to life, and...

for that, I will be
forever grateful to you.

See?

Maybe I was
your Band-Aid after all.

Yeah.

I'll call Lavon from Houston.

Good-bye, George Tucker.

Good-bye, Lynly Hayes.

(door closes)

Should I get him
another pen?

Why? He's just gonna use it
to stir his scotch.

So, we got...
baby-bombed.

Of course, so did he.

Well, I guess we should check on him.
See if he wants another scotch.

(sighs)

How we doing?

I went to Mobile
for a recycling convention,

and... made a baby.

A baby I'll probably
never see or know or...

Well, look, I know that Shelby
said she didn't expect you to help

in the raising of
the baby, but...

It doesn't mean
she won't accept it.

Don't suppose y'all know
where she is?

(Wade imitates roaring engine,
screeching tires)

Hey, dude.

Listen, I-I know you're probably
plotting Zoe Hart's demise

in that little head of yours...
you wouldn't be the first.

But, uh, look, I'm hoping
we can be pals one day,

and that's not gonna happen
unless we have honesty.

So I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I'm the one that lost Cecil.

I should've known.

Harley, look, I'd hate me, too,
if I were in your shoes, all right?

I get it. I've been there.
But just so you know,

I care a whole lot
about your mom.

And because of that,
I care a lot about you, too.

And losing Cecil
was an accident.

I am... very, very sorry.

But don't waste your time
hating Zoe Hart, all right?

She's gonna win you over
eventually, and...

if you can help it, maybe try
not to hate me, either.

ZOE:
Hey, guys!

Look who we found
in the woods.

(gasps)
Cecil!

- Oh...
- Thanks, Mom. You're the best.

- You're okay, too.
- Works for me.

I guess Cecil knew a good ice cream buddy
when he found one, right? (Chuckles)

Look, I'm only eight,
but I'm not stupid.

This does not even look like Cecil.
What's that?

Huh. Even Cecil Two
wants to kill you.

Seriously?
That one talks, too?

BRICK: You are having the
Lieutenant Governor's baby?

And you're doing it
in Montgomery?

He just came to see me, and
he said, once the fog cleared,

he realized
the only thing to do was

to offer to move me to Montgomery
and help raise the baby. His baby.

He said, if he didn't do it, he'd be
kicking himself the rest of his life.

So that's... that's it, huh?

You just leave, huh?

- Please don't be mad at me. (Exhales)
- I could never be mad at you.

Not for long.
(chuckles) (chuckles)

You are simply the best,
Brick Breeland.

(sighs)

Don't be a stranger, okay?

♪

(exhales)

LAVON:
My fellow BlueBellians,

well, the irony is, uh,
today was... truly historic.

L-Look, all your efforts
exceeded my expectations.

I'm... sorry
I couldn't bring it home.

So, while the name
BlueBell's about to be...

Wiped from maps
and GPS's worldwide,

- ...please know that it will never be...
- Mayor Hayes,

I've been looking
for you.

Lieutenant Governor, I thought
you'd be headed back to Montgomery.

I was on my way
when I realized...

I never signed those papers to declare
BlueBell a historical landmark.

What... You're
gonna stop the merger?

Yes, sir.

ANNABETH: Well, don't question
the man, (laughs) just give him a pen.

Oh, yeah, uh, yeah.

There you go.

Hey, everybody,
the merger's off!

(cheering, whooping)

Who cares if Aunt Winifred hates us
and will not rent us her stupid house?

Because we get to have
no house in BlueBell!

Actually, I've been thinking,
and seeing as how

this is a day
of historical significance,

I will cave and...

Live next to
Stanley and Crickett.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, thank you!
- You're welcome.

CRICKETT and STANLEY: ♪ See how
the Fates their gifts allot! ♪

♪ For A is happy!
♪ B is not!

Termite house it is!

- Oh, thank God.
- We're renting a house!

No, no, we're not.

Termite house is for
rent or for sale.

- We're buying the house.
- Seriously?

All in.

Great news.
Long live BlueBell.

Hey.

Mmm. I didn't expect to see you tonight.
Now there's two things to celebrate.

Yeah, well, Brando owes me
this sleepover with Harley,

so... I figured I'd cash in.

You free?

Uh, hey, Wanda?

You're closing
tonight.

Yes, ma'am.