Harry Enfield and Chums (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

[theme music playing]

[whistling]

- [rollerblader grunts]
- [both laugh]

Got the bugger!

Look, they'll be here soon. Just relax.

Treat them the same as any other couple.

Yes, of course. You're quite right,
of course, you are.

[doorbell rings]

- They're just two normal people in love.
- Yes. Of course. Of course...

Of course they are.

- Hello, love.
- Hello, Mum.



- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Tom. [chuckles]

- This is Dominic.
- Hello, yes. [chuckles]

Nice to meet you.
It's the first time Tom's introduced us

to one of his special friends.

- Hmm!
- [Tom] Hmm.

So, you're Dominant, then?

I-- I-- I'm so sorry. Dominic. Dominic.

- Dominic, yes.
- [Barry] Yes.

Awfully nice and completely normal
to meet you.

- Jolly good.
- Nice to meet you too.

Not too nice, I hope!

[laughs loudly]

- There we go.
- Ah. Ah.

- A nice relaxing drink.
- [Barry] Yeah.



Excellent. Oh, well, bottoms up!

I'm so sorry.

I am sorry, I meant queers.

Cheers! Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Dinner's nearly ready.

Barry, will you come and carve?

Right. Yes, that's a manly job. Why not?

That's right. You two just sit down
and make yourself at homo.

Home! Home.

I think, we'll head back to London
about nine.

Are you sure, darling? You're both
welcome to stay the night if you want.

[gulps]

Thanks, Mum. But we've got to get back.

Phew.

We've got to go to a funeral tomorrow.
A friend of Dominic's died

- a week before last.
- [mum] Oh, I'm so sorry.

Huh?

Was he a special friend?

Yes, he was a very special friend.

And he died?

In a car crash, yeah.

Oh, thank God for that!

[Barry] Oh!

Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, I-- I'm so sorry. I--
I just thought he might have died of--

Of what?

Of-- Of...

- Do you mean AIDS?
- Oh, AIDS? Oh, I hadn't thought of that!

- Oh, come on, Dad!
- So, he died in a car crash, then,

- and not of AIDS?
- Yes.

You sure he didn't have AIDS,
but still died in a car crash?

For Christ's sake, Dad. Can you try
and be a bit more sensitive?

Since you brought it up, both Dominic
and I have been tested, and we're fine.

Now, if you can't keep your foot
out of your mouth, just keep quiet.

I'm most dreadfully sorry. I--

You'll have to forgive me.

I'm afraid I'm not really cut
out for the modern world.

That's all right.

It's all right, Dad.

[Barry] Thank you.

Oh, well. Let’s get on with the grub, eh?
Football's on in a minute.

I don't really follow football.

Huh? What's the matter with you,
a poof or something?

His first game for Newcastle,
and his first goal.

Julio Geordio,
record Colombian signing, welcome.

[speaking Spanish]

Julio, what a debut.
20 minutes on the pitch and a goal.

Something pretty special, eh?

[speaking Spanish]

You must be pleased with the way
things have worked out today.

Will you be ringing your mum
in Colombia later,

or is it too early in the morning there,
or late at night?

[speaking Spanish]

Julio Geordio, player and a gentleman,
bringing a welcome touch

of the cocoa leaf to Tyneside.

Pleasure to have you
in the Premiership, Julio.

Barry.

Of course, the great thing
about New Labour is

that it's appealing right across
the class and cultural divide.

And of course, the marvellous thing
to remember about Tony Blair is--

He went to a bloody good
public school. Fettes.

We used to play them at rugger.
Bloody good blokes, actually.

They used to stamp on one's nuts,
but then shake one's hand

in the shower afterwards.

- Charming.
- Yeah. Charming, Tony Blair.

Oh, you can trust a chap who went
to public school.

Except my friend Charlie, of course,
who's in Ford Open prison.

Who is this stuck-up ponce?

Now, Come on, Arthur. Give him a chance.
We must be receptive

to the full spectrum of opinions.

- Shame about Mrs Blair, though, isn't it?
- What do you mean?

Well, you know, bit of a fright.

[chuckles] I mean, surely he didn't have
to marry a member of the Addams family?

[laughs]

- I don't believe I'm hearing this.
- Well, you wait till you hear this.

Apparently, she's a bit
of a lefty. [shudders]

You know, feminist.

- And you don't approve of feminism?
- Well, I used to quite like feminism

till I found out what it meant.

Now, this might shock you,

but apparently, feminists want to stop
all totty smiling, giggling

and being silly,
and turn them into bossy boots.

Mind you, Mrs Thatcher was bossy
and I was her number-one fan. Woo!

- We don't want any disharmony, do we?
- You are the future of the Labour party,

- are you?
- Yup! Tony Blair's the man for me.

Nice hair, jolly good suits,
and fantastic teeth.

And is that all you want
out of a politician?

He's not a politician, is he?

Goodness me, I had no idea.
I think we all better leave.

Here you are, totty. Washing up.

- Do your windscreen, mate?
- No, thank you.

- Do you want a newspaper, darlin'?
- No, thank you.

Nice cup of tea, mate?

- Shampoo and blow-dry?
- No.

There you go.

Chicken fricassee, roasted potatoes
on a bed of spinach, mate?

Portrait of yourself, darling?
Lovely smile.

Syringe your ears, mate?

Festival of mime, love?

Open University physics course, mate?

I know exactly what you mean.
Someone should tell her

she hasn't got the legs for skirts
that length anymore. [chuckles]

- [muttering]
- Yeah, yeah.

[laughs]

Yeah, all right.
I'll speak to you tomorrow. Okay.

Take care.

- Bye.
- [shudders]

- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing, sorry. Don't worry about it.

No, no. You sitting there flinching
throughout my entire phone call.

What is it?

Look, it's my problem, okay?
I just can't bear the sound of your voice.

It drives me up the wall.

- Oh, well, thank you very much, yeah.
- Well, you asked.

- What's wrong with my voice?
- [grunts]

There is nothing inherently wrong
with your voice.

It's just that I don't happen
to like the tone of it.

If it was up here, fine.
If it was down here, fine.

[speaks in monotone] But like this,
this relentless irritating drone,

I happened to find not particularly

- to my taste.
- Oh, I see.

We've been married for 15 years,
and all of a sudden, my voice--

- [slurps]
- Oh, God!

Are you having a fit or something?

No. It's just that other people seem
to be able to drink tea

without making it sound like a pig
with it's snout in the trough.

- Hello.
- Hello, David.

David.

I'm going to get changed.

- All right, darling. I love you!
- I love you more!

You're babyish.

Of course I love him more.
I love him as much as I loathe you,

which is why I am keeping
this family together, for his sake.

What's the matter with you,
you gone deaf as well as saggy?

Sorry, I wasn't listening.

I was trying to remember the date
on which you turned

into the world’s biggest tosser.

His second game for Newcastle,
and his second goal. Julio Geordio,

record Colombian signing,
nice to have you back on the show.

[speaking Spanish]

[Geordie accent]
Thanks very much Tony like.

Julio, what a debut
couple of appearances.

Two goals in two games.
Something pretty special, eh?

[in Geordie accent] Aye, Tony.
[speaking Spanish]

[in Geordie accent] ...lovely ball
from Beardo. [speaking Spanish]

[in Geordie accent] ...stuck me
toe out, and it went in.

And that incident in the second half
with Carlton Palmer,

you were on the floor for some time.
We thought you might go off,

- but you didn't. What happened?
- [scoffs]

[speaking Spanish]

I didn't think he meant it, like.

[speaking Spanish]
...handbags at five paces.

[speaking Spanish]
...playground stuff really, like.

So, overall, you must've been very pleased
with the way things have turned out today.

Will you be ringing your mum
in Colombia later,

or is it too early in the morning there,
or late at night?

[laughs]

[speaking Spanish]

Way too late, man. [speaking Spanish]

Julio Geordio, a player
and a gentleman. Barry.

[speaking Spanish]

Kicked the bucket
a couple of years ago now, like.

Julio Geordio, a player and a gentleman.
His mother's dead. Barry.

Okay, Julie. Well, if you hear anything,
let me know and I'll do the same.

- Okay.
- Here he is now.

He's just arrived back.
I'll call you in a minute.

- [father] Kevin.
- What?

- Can you come down here, please?
- Oh, for God's sake.

What?

- Kevin, where the hell have you been?
- What?

It is two o'clock in the afternoon,
darling.

We've been really worried about you.

[snorts]
You are so sick-makingly pathetic!

It is not pathetic!

Kevin, we haven't heard a thing
from you since yesterday tea-time!

Where did you stay last night?

- I went to Perry's, didn't I?
- Well, you didn't stay at Perry's.

I spoke to his mum.

I didn't say I stayed there.

I said I went there!

Well, Perry's mum didn't
see you all evening.

I didn't go in to Perry's. I went there,
Perry saw me coming and came out.

So, that is why his bloody mum
didn't see me!

[snorting]

So, where did you stay?

Pete's.

Then why did Pete's dad ring us
this morning and ask if Pete was here?

Well, I dunno, do I?
Why don't you ask him?

I did. Pete told his parents
he was staying here.

- So?
- Well, he didn't, did he?

And you didn't stay at Perry's,
and you didn't stay at Pete's.

We did stay at Pete's!

- Kevin, I spoke to his dad.
- Well, his dad's a bloody liar then!

- We stayed at Pete's till 11.
- [doorbell ringing]

Oh, you stayed till 11, did you?
And then where did you go?

Well, I dunno, do I?

I would've thought you were exactly
the person to know.

Oh, for God's sake!

- Come in.
- Hello, Mrs. Patterson.

Good morning, how are you?

Ah, Perry.

Hello, Mr Patterson. Good morning.
How are you, sort of thing?

Afternoon, Perry.
Have a good night, last night?

Yes, please, Mr Patterson,
please, thank you.

- Where'd you stay?
- [Perry] My house.

Oh, your parents rang and said you didn't.

Oh, I forgot. Pete's!

Oh, you stayed at Pete's.

Yes. Well, no.

Yes or no.

I like your dress, Mrs Patterson.
Is it new?

- Dave's! We stayed at Dave's.
- Oh, you did, did you?

Yeah. I forgot Dave wasn't Pete.

- So you stayed at Dave's, did you Kevin?
- Yeah.

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- [woman] Is Dave there?

No, Dave's not here.

No, I thought he stayed at home last night
with Kevin and Perry.

- [woman] He said he stayed here.
- Oh, okay. Thanks.

All right, we went to Trax!

What the nightclub?
How long did you stay there?

All night, of course.
What's your bloody problem?

All right, all right. All right.

I've had enough of this.
You're not allowed in nightclubs!

- You're grounded for two weeks.
- What? That is so unfair!

[phone rings]

- Hello?
- [Jane] Hi, it's Jane.

- Jane.
- About Kevin...

- Yes, we were worried, but he's home now.
- Oh, he stayed at ours last night.

- What he stayed with you? Oh.
- Yes, he came into our house last night.

[Mother] Thanks for letting me know.

Well, Damon's mum said apparently
you arrived at her house at 11:30

and stayed there all night.

Is that true?

Kev couldn't get in to Trax.

- He don't look 18.
- Shut up.

Me and the others got in though.

You are dead!

It's fine for you to stay at Damon's.

Kevin, why didn't you tell us the truth
in the first place?

Don't be so bloody stupid.
You just don't understand, do you?

How can I possibly tell you the truth?
You're my parents!

My name is Michael Paine...

and I am a nosy neighbour.

Now, I've taken the liberty of placing
a small device

in the home of my neighbour.

You know, the bloke at number 27
who looks a bit like Damon Hill.

Last night at 7:34, his old mum rang.

"Mum, I'm just eating my dinner.
I'll call you back," he said.

Do you know he didn't call
that woman back until 9:28?

Approximately two hours later.

Would Damon Hill have taken
that long to ring his old mum back?

I'll be honest with you, I don't know.

Not a lot of people know
that I don't know that,

but I bloody well don't!

♪ He lives in a box
He looks like a corpse ♪

♪ He's dead, of course ♪

[narrator] The Amazing Mr Dead!

This week, "Gone Fishin'".

[audience cheering and applauding]

Good mornin', Mr Dead.
Did you sleep well?

[Mr Dead] Why, I slept like a corpse.

[audience laughing]

What's up, Billy-Joe?
You look like you've seen a ghost.

[audience laughing]

Oh, Mary an' me's done had a disagreement.

So, you ain't popped the question yet.

Why, if I was ten years younger,
I'd marry Mary myself.

[audience laughing]

She don't want me hangin'
around you no more, Mr Dead.

She says there's
something rotten about you.

[audience laughing]

Y'all fancy comin' fishin' with us today?
Show Mary what a nice guy you are?

If you think it's okay.
I don't wanna cause a stink.

- [interstitial music playing]
- [audience laughing]

- [flies buzzing]
- Well, then, Joe,

I hope you're pleased with yourself.

These flies are gonna drive me mad!

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
You and your stupid friend over there!

Oh, hush Mary. It ain't Mr Dead's fault
the fishin' hole's gone bad.

[audience laughing]

Besides, I know a guy
who wants to marry you.

- You do?
- I do.

Why, only this morning Mr Dead said
if'n he was ten years younger,

he'd marry you himself.

[audience laughing]

What'd I say?

Women. Ha!

[audience laughing and applauding]

♪ He's dead, of course ♪

- Here, mate, where's the train to Catford?
- You've just missed it. It's just gone.

Oh, I getcha.

You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

I already told you,
you've missed it. It's gone.

[laughs] You drive an 'ard bargain,
don't you, son?

Here you go, you get yourself
something for the little kiddie,

and I'll get my train. Everybody's happy.

- I just told you. It's gone!
- Hold out your hand.

Now, where's... my... train...
to... Catford?

- I haven't actually got time for this.
- This jog your memory?

Train to Catford, uh...

[laughs] You little monkey.
That's more like it.

There you go. Everybody's happy!

- Can I have another one?
- [mother] No, one's enough.

Can you help Lulu open hers
while I go to the loo?

Good boy.

- Can I have some, Lulu?
- No.

- Oh, please, Lulu.
- Mm.

Oh, please, Lulu.

Oh, Lulu.

Please, Lulu. Please, Lulu.

Please, Lulu.

Please, Lulu.

[wails]

[German accent] It is cold today, yes?

Brr. It is very cold. [laughs]

[both laugh]

Freezing brass monkeys.

I am Jürgen.

- Hello.
- Yes. I am from Germany.

[chuckles] Very good.

Yes, I am very much enjoying my stay
in London.

This morning, I am walking down
Oxford Street in a funny hat. [laughs]

Maybe I am a little bit crazy.

[clears throat]

It is most peculiar, this.
It says here quite clearly,

the buses come every six minutes,

and yet already we are waiting
for eight minutes.

Yeah, they're often late.

This is most strange.

It says clearly six, and already eight,
and now almost nine.

And I am ogling the horizon,
and still there is no sign.

I am not understanding this.

No, I don't understand this.

I'm sorry?

You said, "I am not understanding this."

The actual English expression is,
"I don't understand this".

I must apologize for my disgraceful
use of English.

I shouldn't have mentioned it.

You no longer deserve to have me inflict
my foul person upon you.

I shall do you the service of henceforth,
forthwith, shutting up my trap.

I feel I must apologize for the conduct
of my nation in the war.

Oh, no, it doesn't matter.
It's quite all right.

It is not all right. The behaviour
of the Nazis was completely unacceptable.

- You weren't even born then.
- As a German,

I share the guilt of my forefathers.

The crimes committed during
those dark years are a stain

on my nation’s history,
and you must never,

ever let me forget this!

- Oh, look, here comes the bus now.
- The bus? The bus is late!

Even that fat old Mussolini
made the buses run on time!

This would never have happened
under the Nazis!

[all laughing]

[narrator] An ordinary dinner party.
The sort of occasion we all enjoy.

The men are exchanging witty stories.
And look at the women.

Aren't they pretty?

Look at the way they laugh.
They're delightful.

But now the conversation turns
to more serious matters.

I wonder if the government
should return to the gold standard?

- I think it should.
- Good, then we're all agreed.

[narrator] But oh, dear. What's this?

One of the women
is about to embarrass us all.

I think the government should stay off
the gold standard,

so that the pound can reach a level
that will keep our exports competitive.

[narrator] The lady has foolishly
attempted to join the conversation

with a wild and dangerous opinion
of her own. What half-baked drivel!

See how the men look at her
with utter contempt.

Daphne, we're going home!

[narrator] Women, know your limits!

Look at the effect of education on a man
and a woman's mind.

Education passes into the mind of a man.
See how the information is evenly

and tidily stored.

Now see the same thing on a woman.

At first, we see a similar result.
But now look.

Still at a reasonably low level
of education,

her brain suddenly overloads.

She cannot take in
complicated information.

She becomes frantically
and absurdly deranged.

Look at these venomous harridans.

They went to university.
Hard to believe they're all under 25.

Yes, over-education leads to ugliness,
premature ageing and beard growth.

Now let's see the proper way.

Good, so we're all agreed.
We should return to the gold standard.

Oh, I don't know anything
about the gold standard, I'm afraid,

but I do love little kittens.

They're so soft and furry.

What a delightful thought, you dear,
sweet, fragile little thing.

How I adore you.

[narrator] Women, know your limits.

In thought, be plain and simple, and let
your natural sweetness shine through.

Here we are, then.

- Evening, Ken.
- Good evening, Barry.

- Hello, Tom, nice to see you.
- And you, Ken. This is Dominic.

Dominic's Tom's mate.

- What are you drinking?
- A pint of bitter, please, Ken.

- I'll have the same.
- Me too, please.

Are you sure?

You don't have to, you know,
they do everything.

Cherry brandy, Babycham...

Dad, we like bitter. It's what we drink.

- What, like men?
- We are men.

Yes, hell, I suppose you are, really. Yes.

[Barry] Excellent.

Jolly good. Ha!

Yeah.

Oh, well. To men and beer.
Men and beer. [growls]

- Mm. Lovely.
- I'm just going to the toilet.

Why? Are you meeting someone?

For goodness' sake, Dad!
I need to go too, Dominic. Follow me.

- You're both going to the loo?
- [Tom] Yes.

Dominic and I want to go for a pee,
is that okay?

Yes, of course it is, fine.

Oh, he's looking fine, your boy.

Yes, he's just gone for a pee
with Dominic.

I say, should be at the urinal by now.

Standing side by side,
staring silently ahead.

Should be finished about now.
Doing up their flies.

Each doing up their own flies.

And... should be back any minute now.

Ah, and here they come!

Oh, isn't that excellent, Ken?
My son Tom and his boyfriend, Dominic,

went to the loo and they didn't have sex.

[theme music playing]

[all laughing]

- [man] Another bottle, I think.
- Well, you should know. Yes, I think so.

[indistinct chatter]

Happy anniversary, darling.

[shudders]

[applause]