Harry Enfield and Chums (1994–1999): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript

Tory Boy holds a family meeting, the Slobs win the lottery, and Jürgen joins a tour party.

[theme music plays]


Hello! [snorts]
Going skiing again this year.

Excellent fun.
Got myself some new kit too.

Snazzy shades, Ski Extreme jacket.

Guaranteed bird puller.

Aerodynamic poles. Sexy or what?

Slalom salopettes. Totty turn on!
[chortles] [snorts]

GZ downhill ice-master boots
with galvanized bindings

for added crumpet-conquering.

The finishing touches?
A pair of 295 Mogul Master skis.

- So...
- [thuds]

Strap the planks on...

and away we go!

Try, try, try try, wee!


["Rule Britannia" plays]

[breathing loudly]

Oh, the increase on my allowance
has come through. Thanks!

- Good.
- Increase?

Yeah, Dad's increased my allowance.

An increase, Father?

I haven't noticed a significant
increase in her productivity.

Well, things go up in price, Tory Boy.

And she hasn't had any extra money
for a couple of years.

- How much is this increase?
- None of your business.

How much is this increase?

Look, Dad's given me an extra 80 pound
a month, if you really must know.

Five hundred and eighty pounds?

- That's an increase of...
- [calculator beeping]

...sixteen percent!

Way above the level of inflation
and totally unacceptable.

Look, food's gone up a lot,
and so have the bills.

And you're a growing boy,
you cost a lot more.

Then she should economize.

It's no good throwing money
at the problem!

Her cleaning is below par,
as is her cooking.

- [tuts]
- Be quiet, I hadn't finished!

I have your interests at heart, Father.

You're the wage-earner.
Where would we be without you?

Marvellous! [exhales]

Oi! I run this house,
and I'll cook and clean as I see fit.

It's hard work being a mum,
and I deserve the extra money.

Mother... [blows raspberry]

Nobody goes into motherhood
for the money.

It's a vocation, and a very honest
and valuable one, too.

Where would we be as a nation
without our mothers?

But when you start holding
this family to ransom

with your unreasonable
and selfish demands,

your "I'm all right, Jack" mentality,
then we say no!


The line is drawn here
and you do not cross it.

Tory Boy, if you carry on like this,
I'll send you to your room. Is that clear?


Good. Well get on with your breakfast.

Mother, may I eat my Coco Pops next door
in front of Breakfast with Frost?

- Go on then.
- Thank you.

The house is adjourned.

[Tardis whirring]

Who are you?

I'm Doctor Who-are-you-looking-at.

Calm down, calm down, eh!
Only sayin'.

Where's all these friggin' Daleks,
then, eh?

Come on, I'll bleedin' exterminate yeh
when I get hold of yeh.

Where's all these Daleks?

Okay, Lulu wants orange juice.
Do you want orange juice, Harry?

- Appo!
- "Apple juice, please."

- Appo ju plea.
- That's better!

Good boy.

Lulu. Lulu.





Poor Lulu. My poor Lulu.

It's all right, darling. Mummy's back.
I haven't gone away,

I'm just doing the drinks, okay?

Okay, Lulu.

[winces, yells]

Oh Lulu!

Now don't be silly, Harry.
I won't be a minute.

[toy rattling]


[Lulu yells]


Poor Lulu.

Perry's back from Manchester today,
isn't he?


That's nice. Have you missed him
this week?


I expect you're excited
about seeing him though, aren't you?


Oh, you are a silly!

Ah, get off! I hate you!

[doorbell rings]

[Manchester accent] All right, our Kev?

All right, Perry?
How was Manchester?

Yeah, y'know, result,
sorted, top, mad for it.

- Did you go and see Oasis?
- I might've done. Who's asking?

- Well... me.
- Oh yeah, right.

Sorted, top, mad for it.

- Were they banging?
- Yeah, they were great, you know,

but I don't know, like, you know,
'cause I was so out of it, you know.


How was your auntie?

That has-been? I don't know. Who cares?

You know, the way I look at it, out Kev,

you know, there's only
two type of people, right?

- There's us and there's wankers.
- [Kevin grunts]

[trying to do Manchester accent]
Yeah, righto, Perry. Sorted.

So, how's this dead town been
while I've been away?

Oh. It's been a right bummer.

Chill out, our Kev, and get one on.

[bad Manchester accent]
Oh, cheers, our Perry-- I mean Perrah.


Yeah, it's been a really borin' week.

Yeah, I been in my room
most of the week,

listenin' to Oasis records.

I know all the words.

That's totally uncool, you know.
Learnin' words is what you do at school.

- Teachers teach you how to be stupid.
- Yeah.

Hello, Perry. Did you have a nice time
in Manchester?

[normal accent] Yes, thank you,
Mrs Patterson, thank you.

Yeah, it was very cold, though.

Gosh, you've drawn a little bit of
a beard on!

- How very grown up.
- Thank you!

[Manchester accent]
I really like your mum, you know.

I feel like I'd like to shag her.

Yeah, I'd like to shag your mum too.

Right, I'm off out. I'm gonna go
and beat up a couple cockney bastards.

- You coming?
- Yeah, great.

Ya, I'll have some bread
and dripping for us teas, our mother.

Kevin, why are you talking
in that extraordinary way?

I dunno what tha's talkin' about.

Why are you pretending to be a Northerner?
You sound very silly.

You don't know nowt!

I'm real!
You're just living their lies!

I 'ate yeh!

Julio Geordio, three games
for Newcastle and three goals.

You've just come out of the shower,
you smell nice.

No wonder you're the toast of Tyneside.

[speaking foreign language]
I divvn't know about that.

[speaking foreign language]
...brilliant support from the lads,

really like...
[speaking in foreign language]

Modest as ever, Julio.

But that was a little touch
of South American magic

when you chipped the keeper from
30 yards. Talk us through it, will you?

[speaking in foreign language]
...saw the keeper off his line...

[speaking in foreign language]
...and I've just hit it, one-nil.


Your football's certainly not been
affected by the climate here, Julio.

It's hot where you come from.
What do you think of the weather here?


[speaking in foreign language]
...cold wind comin' off the Urals...

[speaking in foreign language]
...icy conditions the neet, like.

[speaking in foreign language]
...warm front from the Atlantic...

[speaking in foreign language]

...couple of pleasant days
at the start of the week.

At end of the day...
[speaking in foreign language]

...twenty-six Fahrenheit, minus two
centigrade. Ooh! Wrap up warm, like.

[clears throat]

Julio Geordio: footballer, gentleman,

and former meteorological student
of Bogota University. Barry.


Hello, how are you?

- What?
- How are you?

I didn't get a chance to say hello
at the start of the race.

Very exciting, isn't it?

I must say, you're going
tremendously fast.

Shut up!

Sorry, quite right.
Concentrate on the race, eh?

Jane! Hello Jane! Very exciting,
isn't it?

Oh, she's such a lovely woman...


Excuse me, you haven't got
the right time, have ya?


Oh, look at that. We're coming to the end!

Stephen! Hello!

Roger, you bitch,
I thought you'd never make it!

- Come on, I'll race you to the end.
- All right, you're on!


So rude of me. Goodbye!
Nice talking to you.

- [Roger] Stephen, come on!
- All right, I'm coming!

She's mad!

[singing off-key] ♪ Who's that girl
Running around with you ♪

No, Lance. It's--

♪ Who's that girl
Running around with you ♪

Oh, yeah yeah.

[off-key] ♪ Who's that girl
Running around with you ♪


♪ Who's that girl
Running around with you ♪

- [off-key] ♪ Who's ♪
- ♪ Who's ♪

- ♪ Who's ♪
- ♪ Who's bong bong who's ♪

- ♪ Who's bong bong who's ♪
- ♪ Bong bong who's ♪

♪ Bong bong who's ♪


- ♪ Bong bong that's ♪
- ♪ Bong bong that's ♪

- ♪ Bong bong bong bong that's ♪
- ♪ Bong bong bong ♪

♪ Bong bong bong bong bong that's ♪

♪ Bong bong bong girl ♪

♪ Bong bong bong girl ♪

♪ Bong bong bong girl ♪

♪ Running around with you ♪

- [off-key] ♪ Running around ♪
- ♪ Ing ding ding ing ding ding! ♪

♪ Ing ding ding ding
Running ding ding around with you ♪

♪ You bing bang bong
You bing bang bong ♪

♪ You bing bang bong
You bing bang bong ♪

Right, now put it all together.

♪ Bong bong who's bong bong that
Bong bong bong girl running ding ding ♪

♪ Around with you bing bang bong
You bing bang bong! ♪

Now do it again. Do it without the bings,
the bongs, the dings and the dongs.

[off-key] ♪ Who's that girl
Running around with you ♪

No, you're right, Lance.
You are tone-deaf.

Only in English though, not in Italian.

[sings "Figaro's Aria" perfectly]

Do you know what Lance?
You're really weird.

My name is Michael Paine.

And I am a nosy neighbour.

Now, Mr Prendergast at number 41

is currently undergoing treatment
to transform him

from a male into a female.

I know this to be true,

because I've followed him
to the clinic on several occasions.

And by standing on an upturned milk crate,

and peering through the window,

I have been able to witness
the delicate microsurgery

carried out upon his genitalia.

Why anyone should wish
to have this done is a mystery to me.

I mean, I like a bird
as much as the next bloke.

But I do not like a bird with big hands!
Oh, no! Definitely not!

- Get the giro?
- Yep, and the child allowance.

- Great. How much is it?
- Hundred and eighty quid.

Brilliant. Hundred and eighty
lottery tickets please, Ravi.


- Quick, turn the telly on, Wayne!
- Oh, yeah.

Oh look! We're just in time.

[TV presenter]
It's two minutes past eight,

and time for the umpteenth
National Lottery draw.

The very lovely Mother Teresa
of Calcutta will start off Guinevere.

Press that button, and make someone's
dream come true.

And the numbers are...







and the bonus ball is... six.

The cumulative totals of our octuple
lottery rollover are 180 million pounds!





- [groans]
- Wayne?

- What?
- Get up, Wayne.

- We've won.
- Eh?

We've won 180 million pounds
on the lottery!

Quick, tick the "maximum publicity" box.
We've won!


I just gotta go and change me trousers.

Yes! I'm gonna be a rich bitch!

- [air hisses]
- [farts]

[reporter] So, you've got three children.
Have you got any pets?

Yes, we have a dog...


- And I have fleas.
- That is correct.

[reporter] Well, what will you spend
the money on then, Wayne?

Well, uh...

First of all,
I'm gonna get my herpes cured.

Then I intend to spend the rest on pizzas.

No way! We're not touching a penny.

Until we have consulted the sound
financial advisor from Win-A-Lot.


As your sound financial advisor
from Camelot,

I would recommend making no major
purchases at the moment,

but instead, look at investing
your capital in a high yield--

Right, that's him consulted.

Let's go and spend, spend, spend,
spend, spend!

Here, little kiddie,
look what I've got, eh?

Look at that. Isn't it lovely?

Come on, don't be shy. Come on!

Never accept sweets
from strangers!

♪ He lives in a box
He looks like a corpse ♪

♪ He's dead of course! ♪

The amazing Mr Dead!
This week, "The Chaperone."

[audience cheers]

[voice of Mr Dead] Howdy, Billy Joe!

If the good Lord's a-willin',
and the creek don't rise,

we're gonna have us a Jim Dandy harvest.

- I guess.
- [audience laughter]

What's the matter, boy?
You upset about something?

Mary's ma says she can't go
to the dance with me

unlessin' I can find a chaperone.

Where am I gonna find me a chaperone?

Heck boy! I'll be your chaperone,
if it'll stop you a-mopin'.

Aw, will ya Mr Dead?

Gee, you're about a best a friend
a boy can have.

I have a mind to give you a hug.

Don't do that, Billy Joe. Folks'll talk!

[audience laughter]

♪ He's dead, of course! ♪

[voice of Mr Dead] Now, you two,

don't forget I'm your chaperone.
Y'all cut that out!

Hey! Who turned out the lights?

[audience laughter]

♪ He's dead, of course! ♪

[bicycle bell rings]

Hello there.

I'm Captain Stefan van der Haast Graacht
of the Amsterdam Police.

And this here is Ronald, my partner.
And also, I'm very happy to say, my lover.

Say hello, Ronald.


We are patrolling what you might call
the mean streets of Amsterdam.

And we live in a houseboat.

And these are the tools of our trade:
the truncheon,

the gun and the handcuffs.

Of course, there are very strict
guidelines for the deployment

here in Amsterdam.

The commissioner of the police
only lets us use them in emergencies,

and for our private sex games.

Later we will go to the squatting area
where the hippies live,

and to check to see if they're okay
and see if they need some shopping done

or something and maybe then,
we will have a little jam with them

and sing a couple of songs.

And then this evening,
Ronald and I are visiting our girlfriend,

Anna-Marian, who's loving us both.

Because we think it is important
to love women as well as men.

And we will maybe take turns with her.
Or perhaps, even have

an interesting threesome.


Ronald has sent to me
some really excellent blow.

Evening, all.

There's a general election soon,

and you may well be visited
by a man like this.

Hey up, madam. And what a very
pleasant day it is, too.

He's from the Labour Party,
and he's come to canvass your vote.

I wonder if you'd be interested
in voting for't the Labour Party?

What are your policies?

Well, we believe in helping
the poor, ee by gum!

And we believe in a fair deal
for the working man.

You know, them's is asked
to get their hands dirty

for them's is asked to not to.

[voiceover] His policies seem reasonable
enough, but take a close look at his head.

It's crawling with lice.

L is for Labour. L is for lice.

Here he is returning home
to his own socialist household.

His wife, his children,
his belongings, all crawling with lice.

L is for Labour. L is for lice.

This is Britain as it is now.
Green and pleasant, isn't it?

Ah! But have you thought how it would look
under a Labour government?

L is for Labour. L is for lice.

Okay. Well, if we're all ready,
I'd like to welcome you to the tour.

London from Victorian times
to present day.

- [Jürgen] Excuse me.
- Now we're all gonna make our way--

- Excuse me?
- Yes, hello?

Please excuse my impertinence.

Will it be possible for me to pay
my two pounds 50

- and join you on your tour?
- Oh yes, of course. More the merrier.

Right, we'll be making our way
down the walkway

towards the bridge.
If you'd all like to follow me.

Before we start, I would like
to make an announcement.

As you can probably tell from my hideous
guttural accent, I am a German.

I would like to make the most sincere
apology to each and every one of you

and assure you that I shall
take my shame to my grave.

Thank you.

Okay well, as I was saying,
we'll be going on towards Tower Bridge.

If anyone's got any questions
as we go round,

- don't hesitate to ask.
- I have a question.

- I have a question.
- Okay.

You're probably thinking maybe I'm
a little crazy,

but I'm noticing that this bridge
is Victorian,

whereas all these buildings over here
are built from the 1950s onwards.

- Why is this?
- You know that's-- that's a good question.

You see, all the buildings over here were
destroyed during the--

Um, they were dest--
They were destroyed.

But how did this happen?

- Really don't know.
- It was the Luftwaffe, was it not?

- It was 50 years ago.
- Whereas now, over here,

we observe an hotel,
before there was a delightful English inn,

with flowers round the door.
And then what?

Wave after wave of Nazi bombers
is coming out of the clear blue sky.

The evil sausage-eating Krauts,
raining down their cargo of death.

Boom, boom, bo--
Where are you going?

Where are you going? Come back!

You will come back!
Resistance is useless!

[Alf] Here puppy, puppy.
Here puppy, puppy.


[water splashes]

[water splashes]


Well, I may not know much about art,
but I know what I like.

I always said that marriage
wouldn't last, didn't I?

You did, Frank.
I remember that day in 1981...

Wales and Spencer
in Westminster Abbey,

and us all watching it
on that telly there.

And you shouted out,
"Oi, Wales! No! It won't last!"

Over and over again throughout
the whole two-hour ceremony.

I did.

You know, you turned
what should've been a very happy day

- into a right miserable one for all of us.
- I did.

Of course, now the divorce has come
through, Wales will be looking

to set up home with Parker Bowles.

Where'd you think they'll live then,

Somewhere nice and peaceful
in a good quality neighbourhood.

Like my road.

Next door to you was thinking of selling
that one and all, weren't they Frank?

Oh, if Wales and Parker Bowles
moved in next door to me,

I should tolerate it.

I'd go round there,

"Wales, Parker Bowles,
welcome to 22 The Larches.

I'm Doberman, number 24.

Don't let your horses and dogs
shit on the pavement,

we'll all get along fine".

Not in very good nick though, is it,
next to you Frank.

Be handy for them having you around
to do the place up, eh?

Oh, I should have to redo
the whole place for 'em.

And I should do it with the solemnity
that a royal refurbishment requires.

And if Parker Bowles said to me,
"Frank, you're doing a superb job,

sit down here and have a cup of tea."

All right, I'd sit on the settee and take
a well-deserved five-minute break.

- Nice.
- But...

If she come and sat next to me,

put a blue movie on the video,

started rubbing her hand
up and down my leg

and licking my earhole suggestively,

I should say, "OI! Parker Bowles!


I admire your tight-lipped
response to the press

and the fact you ain't afraid
to dress your age...

mutton dressed as mutton...

But you've already ruined Wales' marriage.
You ain't gonna ruin mine!

Take your hand off my leg,
you stuck-up,

toffee-nosed, horse-faced bitch!"

Lulu. Lulu come to Harry!


Lulu! Lulu come to Harry!


Lulu come to Harry!

[Lulu crying]

Mum! Poor Lulu!

Poor Lulu.

[theme music plays]