Harry Enfield and Chums (1994–1999): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Tim goes to a school reunion, one-off character 'Mr. Got Out of the Wrong Side of the Bed This Morning' has a day full of mishaps, and Kevin and Perry try to organize a party.
[theme music plays]
[applause]
Thought seeing as it was a school reunion,
I ought to wear the old school tie.
Perhaps, I should have left it at that.
Of course, they've radically
redesigned the caps.
In my day, they were long and pointed
with a big D on them.
Would you like a glass of sherry?
Oo-er! What the hell! Why not? Cheers!
Oh, KV! Here comes the headmaster.
Now I am gonna get busted!
- And what are you doing now?
- I'm not doing anything, sir.
- Nothing?
- Nothing at all, sir. Just standing here.
- Have you had a drink?
- No, sir, no!
If my breath smells of sherry,
it's because I've been eating wine gums.
Atkinson gave them to me,
said he bought them in the tuck shop.
- If you'd like a drink, please have one.
- Really? Huh!
Crikey! Things have got pretty lax
since I came here!
Forgive me, I don't remember you.
What's your name again?
Ah, Nice but Dim T, sir. '73 to '77.
Then retakes '78 to '84.
Great friends
with Piers Nothing Between the Ears.
Yes. What's he done since leaving?
He has grown a moustache, sir.
Now, do you know this fellow here?
Oh! Fatty Bumstead!
- Crikey! You've changed!
- The name's Chapman.
You have changed! Name and everything!
Still don't blame you.
Bummo Bumstead,
the bog-brush of B dorm, eh?
You've got the wrong person.
It's Chapman, Chris Chapman.
I've always been called Chapman.
- Have you got an older brother?
- Well, yes I have, actually.
What was his name?
- Chapman.
- That's it!
- [Chapman] Sorry, you are?
- Tim Nice but Dim.
Great friends
with Dick Friendly but Thick.
You must've been before my time.
So, um, what did you do
after you left here?
Well, my parents came to pick me up,
put my trunk in the back of the car,
and took me to a Berni Inn.
I had steak, chips and salad.
But no beetroot.
No, it's very important not to have
beetroot. It turns one's chips pink.
I suppose it must seem different to you
coming back after all this time?
Yeah, it certainly does. In my day,
the cricket pitch was over there
where the chapel is now.
This hall here was in what's now
the swimming pool.
And those 12th-century cloisters out there
were a modern science block.
Are you sure?
Yah. In fact, the whole school
was located 70 miles north of here.
Yup, Swinbrook certainly
has changed since my time.
This isn't Swinbrook. This is Radfield.
Ah! Whoops!
Sorry, easy mistake to make.
Still, bloody nice school.
Here's to old Radfield!
The Scouser alphabet.
A, which says 'ae',
and is for "All right?"
- All right? All right?
- All right?
B, which says, 'bih'
and is for "Birkenhead."
"Bevvy."
And "birds."
C, which says 'Ch',
and is for "Calm down!"
- Calm down!
- Calm down!
[birds chirping]
[alarm rings]
[grunts]
[grunts]
Christ!
[screams]
[yells]
Oh, dear!
[grunts]
[screams]
That's put me in a bad mood
for the whole day, that has!
D, which says 'dih',
and is for "Dis."
- "Dat!"
- And "De other!"
- E, which says 'eh' and is for "Eh."
Eh, eh! Eh, eh!
- Eh? Eh.
- Eh? Eh...
F, which says 'fih',
and is for "Ferry", as in...
♪ Ferry cross the Mersey ♪
♪ Cos this land's the place I love ♪
[brass band playing "Jingle Bells"]
Greetings of the season to you,
Mr Cholmondley-Warner.
Yes, it's Christmas,
a time for relaxing in the bosom
of one's family,
free from the formality of working life.
Yes! Would you care to relax
in the bosom of my family this Christmas,
freed from the formality of working life?
Yes.
That's better.
Are you feeling sufficiently relaxed
and unwound, Mr Cholmondley-Warner?
Most certainly.
But do beware of purchasing
inferior presents for your loved ones.
Defective goods can be dangerous.
It's easy to tell if goods are defective.
They have the words, "Made in Belgium"
written on the bottom.
Here are some suggestions for healthy,
wholesome and practical gifts
for the whole family.
For the youngest,
how about this durable dummy.
It'll keep baby quiet for hours on in.
And because it's made of pure lead,
it'll be some months before
it's sucked away to nothing.
And for the elder child,
why not splash out on the splendid
Croydon Aerodrome game.
Simulate the daily life
of a busy aerodrome,
where planes are taking off and landing,
sometimes at the rate of three
or four a week!
[Warner] What a fine game! You can
almost imagine yourself in the cockpit.
But don't let dad get hold of it!
Ha, ha, ha!
Pets can be a lot of fun
for the children at Christmas
If you have travelled in India,
you'll know that exotic pets
make ideal Yuletide gifts.
Such as lion cubs,
chimpanzees, very small elephants,
or indeed, alligators.
A word of caution. Baby animals
can easily grow into larger animals.
So a day or two after Christmas,
you'll need to shoot it with one of these!
And with that needlework kit
her aunt gave her,
your daughter will be able to turn the pet
into a handy handbag.
Technology now plays its part
in every family home.
They can be little more exciting
than gathering around to inspect
the latest gadget.
Pretty scientists have come up
with another first,
a wireless with pictures.
You can see the people who are speaking
to you on the wireless,
as if they were in your own home!
Now we go to Balmoral where His Majesty,
the King, will address the nation.
But let's not forget the printed word
is still very much with us.
As election of the wholesome
reading material
is both educative and informat-it-itive.
The Day I Killed a Thousand Fuzzy Wuzzies,
by the reverend Aubrey Bagshot,
is a heart-warming account of one man's
spiritual journey through Africa.
And for the younger child,
something a little lighter,
Simon Shoots the Smiling Sambos.
And for those long motoring journeys
over Christmas,
how about this handy dashboard attachment?
These days, we're all aware
of the problems of driver fatigue.
But now you can combat it
with this handy whisky pick-me-up!
But not everyone can afford
expensive presents in the festive season.
At Christmas, one should always
remember the poor.
Indeed.
They may attempt to burgle your house
while you're at a church.
But shortage of money should not be
an obstacle to the joy of giving.
Simply make your own presents
from objects you find around the home.
For instance, a tin of petrol
and a box of matches
becomes a simple and enthralling
petrol and matches game!
So, it's back to work tomorrow,
Mr Cholmondley-Warner.
Yes, it'll be pleasant to wind up again
and stop relaxing.
Merry Christmas, Greyson.
[explosion]
Merry Christmas, Mr Cholmondley-Warner.
Oh, yes. Pavarotti's good, Domingo's good,
Carreras ain't bad for a short-arse.
But in a world of singing,
the biscuit really has to go to Inglesias.
There's nothing more pleasurable in life
than driving along
a regular 65 miles an hour
with Inglesias coming out on the stereo.
Better to have him on the stereo,
eh, Frank, than on the road next to ya,
the way them Latin types drive.
Oh, yeah. You're right there, George.
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I admire Inglesias's superb singing.
But if I was queuing at the lights
on the A316,
you know, that filter over onto the 412,
and Inglesias come up
the inside of the queue
trying to cut in, in front of me...
- You don't give him an inch!
- ...I would be that far away
from the car in front, wind down
the electric windows,
"Oi! Inglesias! No!
I admire the superb tropical rhythms
of your singing voice
but not your filthy driving manners!
The queue for these lights
start back there!
Put your car in reverse,
go back and begin at the beguine!"
Quite right, friend. I mean,
what would happen to fabric of our society
if we allow top international singing
stars to forget basic road manners?
There'd be anarchy!
I mean, I admire Humperdinck.
Oh, the wife
and I semi-worship Humperdinck!
But if I'm approaching a roundabout
with the intention of turning left,
I'm signalling, suddenly, vroom!
Who's this coming up the inside
in a Silver Cloud? It's only Humperdinck!
- And wallop, he's shunted me!
- Jesus! What a pillock!
I'd be out there like a shot,
friend, I tell ya.
Give him a slap and say,
"Oi! Humperdinck! No!
I admire your no-nonsense musicality
but not your nonsense driving!
And no! I will not please release you
until you have provided
your full insurance details,
you hairy-faced, silver-throated tosspot!"
You know, right on your side there,
George. I mean, I admire Como.
- Now everyone admires Como.
- Indeed!
But if I saw him driving along
and there's a bus in front him
indicating to pull out,
and Como ignores it, drives straight past,
causing the bus to brake,
I'd be up there like a shot,
"Oi! Como! No! This is not one
of your magic moments!
A bus has right of way!"
Fair-minded words, Frank.
I mean, it's just selfish, isn't it,
the way these celebrities
think they own the road.
I mean, If I'm driving down the M25,
it's coned off down to one lane,
I have coned off the other two lanes.
- What is it? Road works?
- Oh, no, not road works, Frank.
No. It's Doonican!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah!
He's only got to cone off two lanes
so he can sit there in his rocking chair,
singing a profoundly pleasant
relaxing song.
- What a tit!
- I tell you what,
there'd be no holding me back, Frank.
I'd be over there like a shot.
Kick his rocking chair from under him,
smack his head on the hard shoulder,
nut him, and say, "Oi! Doonican! No!
No-one regrets the demise
of your television show more than me,
but your current antiques
are causing a ten-mile tailback!
You are the arsehole
of the Emerald Isle,
you polo-neck-under-a-V-neck-sweatered,
thoroughly pleasant chap!"
I mean, it's the kind of money
these people earn,
they breeds irresponsibility.
- And completely lost touch with reality!
- Animals!
Here, Glad, butter's gone up again.
Ah, what're you watching, Hild?
The shopping channel?
No, Last Tango in Paris!
Oh! Young man!
M, which says 'meh',
and is for "Manchester."
N, which says 'neh',
and is for "Nerys Hughes."
P, which says 'peh',
and is for "Pacemakers",
- as in Gerry and his pacemaker.
- As in...
♪ Ferry cross the Mersey ♪
♪ Cos this land's the place I love ♪
[man on TV] Bum.
Willy!
Willy!
[man on TV] Dirty pants.
Dirty pants!
[man on TV] Girls' dirty pants!
Girls' dirty pants!
Oh, I love Hale and Pace!
- What time's Bottom on?
- It ain't on anymore.
It's Newman and Baddiel instead.
- Oh, well, let's watch that, then.
- No, Wayne, it's too intellectual for you.
Will they say "willy" sometimes,
don't they?
No, Wayne, they're from
Cambridge University. They say "pineese."
- Pineese?
- Yeah, it's posh for knob.
Anyway...
- What are you doing?
- I'm turning the television off.
What? Why?
Because every night since
we've got married,
- all we've done is watched television.
- Yeah, so what?
So, tonight, for a change,
I thought we'd have it off!
I don't want to have it off
with you, Waynetta, you stink!
Have the television off!
Oh, why?
'Cause I thought for a change,
we might have a cond-versation.
- A what?
- A cond-versation.
- All right, then. You start.
- Right...
I wonder what the weather
will be like tomorrow.
So do I. Let's turn the telly on
and find out.
No, Wayne! The weather forecast ain't on
for another couple of hours.
Well, let's turn it on now,
lest we forget
to watch and miss the forecast completely.
No, Wayne!
Let's try politics.
What do you think of Blair, then?
I think he's very good on Give Us A Clue.
- Not Lionel Blair, Tony Blair.
- Who's Tony "Blegh?"
He's the leader out of the Labour Party!
- Who's the Labour Party?
- Oh, never mind.
- Let's try art.
- You don't know nothing about art.
- I have a smattering of knowledge.
- All right then, name a painter.
All right...
Pistachio.
Turneep.
Vangelis.
Dick Van Dyke.
- Let's try literature.
- [groans]
Did you enjoy the last book you read?
Not really, no.
I gave up halfway through.
I found the plot a little complicated.
- Did you, Wayne?
- Yes, I did, Waynetta.
Oh, what a crying shame.
And what was this book?
Spot the Dog.
Oh.
Art, literature...
politics...
- Wayne.
- What?
Turn the telly on.
[man on TV] Pineese!
Pineese!
T, which says 'dey' and is for,
"Dey do dough, don't dey, dough?"
Dey do, dey do!
Y, which says 'yeh',
and is for "Yeh what?"
- Yeh what? Yeh what?
- Yeh what? Yeh what?
Z, which says 'Zee', and if you turn it
on its side, it looks like an N.
Which is next to M.
- Which is for "Mersey."
- As in...
♪ Ferry cross the Mersey ♪
♪ Got teenage kicks
Right through the night ♪
Can I have a party on Saturday?
- Yes, all right.
- Why not? That's so unfair!
Everybody else is allowed a bloody party.
Alex Green's had seven
and he's younger than me!
- Kevin...
- I hate you!
- Kevin.
- What?
- I said yes, you can have a party.
- Muh!
I want a thousand people!
Don't be silly, Kevin!
Well, why did you bloody bother
having me then?
You can have 20.
[groans] Twenty!
- Twenty, or no party at all.
- [groans]
That is so unfair!
- Okay?
- Okay!
- Any breakages and you pay for them.
- Don't shout at me!
Hi, Perry, we're on for Saturday.
Yeah, they were a pushover, stupid prats.
I hate them.
Yeah. Yeah, I hate them.
Yeah, I saw them on Top of the Pops.
I hate them.
Yeah...
Well, I'll go through the list again.
Sarah Owen, Millie Buckle,
Beatrice Wells...
No, not big fat Beatrice!
No, we got to invite her,
or Millie Buckle won't come.
What about Helen Field?
- Uh, she's a bit spotty.
- Yeah, but she's a right slag!
All right, then.
Angela Wint, or is her arse too big?
I don't mind, and she'll give you
a love-bite if you give her 50p.
All right, then. Alison Black
and Debbie Hinton. That's it.
- We gonna invite any boys?
- No.
- Okay, let's ring them up. You start.
- No, you start.
- Okay, let's toss for it.
- No, I had one before I came round.
[phone ringing]
- [man on phone] Hello?
- Oh!
- You nearly did it then!
- I know.
[door shuts]
- Hello, boys. Have you phoned anyone yet?
- Not yet, Mrs Patterson.
You are pathetic.
Give me the list and I'll phone.
No!
Come on, Perry,
let's go down the phone box,
- where we can have some bloody privacy!
- Bye, Mrs Patterson.
[groans]
Kev, all the girls are here.
You having a party at your house,
11 Maryfield drive on Saturday night
at 7:30, Kev?
- Yeah.
- Right, I'm coming.
- Who else is allowed to come then?
- Like, girls and everything... Girls...
What, the girls that are here's,
like, sort of thing?
Yeah. Let's go.
It'll be really good. It's gonna be like
beer and vodka and all that and I'm--
Come on, Perry!
I've left 20 cans of beer.
After that, soft drinks only.
Okay. Just get out!
- Bye-bye, darling.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Bye bye, Perry.
- Bye, Mr and Mrs Patterson.
[music playing]
Ow! Get off!
Hey Kev, look what I've got.
Great, indoor fireworks!
No, condoms!
I know!
Vanessa Bailey comes tonight
and I'm on for it!
- Reckon?
- She does it with everyone!
- Does she?
- Yeah.
And you better have one
'cause Alison Black's coming
and I know she really fancies you.
- Does she really?
- Yeah.
And she's done it before I know,
with Dave Riggs.
How d'you know?
My brother said Dave wrote it
on the blackboard before Maths!
- Do you think she'll do it with me then?
- Deffo!
- What time is it?
- Half nine. Where is everyone?
[doorbell ringing]
Doorbell, Kev, doorbell!
Doorbell, doorbell!
Bloody hell, Kev! It's Alison Black!
You got your condom?
- Yeah.
- Stick it out a bit, get her going!
Cheers, pal! Good idea.
Hi, Alison. Come in.
D'you want a beer or something?
- Hello, Kevin.
- Hello, Dave Riggs.
I'd love a beer.
Yeah, me too. Thanks.
- It's a good record this, innit, Kev?
- Yeah, it's a good record. A good record.
Hey, Kev, can we borrow
your bedroom for a bit, mate?
What for?
Oh! Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Kev. Oh, and can I borrow this?
- Yeah, sure.
- Cheers, Kev, you're a mate!
Oh, bad luck, Kev!
What? Oh, her? No! I don't fancy her.
She's uglier than I thought.
[doorbell ringing]
Doorbell, Kev!
Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell!
- All right, mate?
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- All right there?
- Hello, mate.
- Yeah, safe...
- Kev, who are they?
- I don't know!
- Where's the booze in, mate?
- It's in the kitchen.
Oh, the stupid cow ain't even in!
This house, a bit flash, ain't it?
So whose is it?
Don't know.
- Uh, Kev...
- Shut up!
- So this is all the booze in, mate?
- Yeah.
- You know, Steve, Goldfish!
- Cool!
Let's have a race.
- Where's the stereo then?
- Over there.
You bastard, I was winning!
No! Don't take that,
that's the owner of the house's!
- Do what, mate?
- Nothing!
- They're taking all your tapes too, Kev.
- All right then, mate, see you later.
- Yeah, see you later.
- Yeah, bye!
- Yeah!
- Cheers!
Yeah, bye!
We'll get 'em when they come back,
eh, Kev?
- See you later then.
- Yeah, cheers, Kev! Good party!
Hi! We're back a bit early!
Oh! Has everyone gone?
What's all this mess?
Where's the stereo?
Why are the goldfish dead?
Perry?
- B-- bigger boys.
- What? What do you mean?
Bigger boys came.
Dad, look at this.
- Oh, my God, Kevin!
- What's happened here?
Well, some bigger boys came here
and stole the stereo
and killed the goldfish.
Well, Christ, Kevin.
Didn't you try and stop them?
They were bigger boys.
They took Kevin's tapes too.
- Kevin, who's Dave Riggs and Alison Black?
- I don't know.
Well, I've just been up in your room.
There's a used condom on the floor
and someone's scrawled "Dave Riggs
shagged Alison Black here..."
in foot-high letters on your wall!
I'm going home.
See you, Kev!
Oh, dear!
Well...
never mind, son.
Never again, eh?
Would you like some cocoa?
Mum!
Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum...
[applause]
The show's not over
until the fat bloke sings!
♪ Dance, dance wherever you may be ♪
♪ I am the Lord of the dance, said he ♪
♪ And I'll lead you all
Wherever you may be ♪
♪ And I'll lead you all
In the dance, said he ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
[applause]
Thought seeing as it was a school reunion,
I ought to wear the old school tie.
Perhaps, I should have left it at that.
Of course, they've radically
redesigned the caps.
In my day, they were long and pointed
with a big D on them.
Would you like a glass of sherry?
Oo-er! What the hell! Why not? Cheers!
Oh, KV! Here comes the headmaster.
Now I am gonna get busted!
- And what are you doing now?
- I'm not doing anything, sir.
- Nothing?
- Nothing at all, sir. Just standing here.
- Have you had a drink?
- No, sir, no!
If my breath smells of sherry,
it's because I've been eating wine gums.
Atkinson gave them to me,
said he bought them in the tuck shop.
- If you'd like a drink, please have one.
- Really? Huh!
Crikey! Things have got pretty lax
since I came here!
Forgive me, I don't remember you.
What's your name again?
Ah, Nice but Dim T, sir. '73 to '77.
Then retakes '78 to '84.
Great friends
with Piers Nothing Between the Ears.
Yes. What's he done since leaving?
He has grown a moustache, sir.
Now, do you know this fellow here?
Oh! Fatty Bumstead!
- Crikey! You've changed!
- The name's Chapman.
You have changed! Name and everything!
Still don't blame you.
Bummo Bumstead,
the bog-brush of B dorm, eh?
You've got the wrong person.
It's Chapman, Chris Chapman.
I've always been called Chapman.
- Have you got an older brother?
- Well, yes I have, actually.
What was his name?
- Chapman.
- That's it!
- [Chapman] Sorry, you are?
- Tim Nice but Dim.
Great friends
with Dick Friendly but Thick.
You must've been before my time.
So, um, what did you do
after you left here?
Well, my parents came to pick me up,
put my trunk in the back of the car,
and took me to a Berni Inn.
I had steak, chips and salad.
But no beetroot.
No, it's very important not to have
beetroot. It turns one's chips pink.
I suppose it must seem different to you
coming back after all this time?
Yeah, it certainly does. In my day,
the cricket pitch was over there
where the chapel is now.
This hall here was in what's now
the swimming pool.
And those 12th-century cloisters out there
were a modern science block.
Are you sure?
Yah. In fact, the whole school
was located 70 miles north of here.
Yup, Swinbrook certainly
has changed since my time.
This isn't Swinbrook. This is Radfield.
Ah! Whoops!
Sorry, easy mistake to make.
Still, bloody nice school.
Here's to old Radfield!
The Scouser alphabet.
A, which says 'ae',
and is for "All right?"
- All right? All right?
- All right?
B, which says, 'bih'
and is for "Birkenhead."
"Bevvy."
And "birds."
C, which says 'Ch',
and is for "Calm down!"
- Calm down!
- Calm down!
[birds chirping]
[alarm rings]
[grunts]
[grunts]
Christ!
[screams]
[yells]
Oh, dear!
[grunts]
[screams]
That's put me in a bad mood
for the whole day, that has!
D, which says 'dih',
and is for "Dis."
- "Dat!"
- And "De other!"
- E, which says 'eh' and is for "Eh."
Eh, eh! Eh, eh!
- Eh? Eh.
- Eh? Eh...
F, which says 'fih',
and is for "Ferry", as in...
♪ Ferry cross the Mersey ♪
♪ Cos this land's the place I love ♪
[brass band playing "Jingle Bells"]
Greetings of the season to you,
Mr Cholmondley-Warner.
Yes, it's Christmas,
a time for relaxing in the bosom
of one's family,
free from the formality of working life.
Yes! Would you care to relax
in the bosom of my family this Christmas,
freed from the formality of working life?
Yes.
That's better.
Are you feeling sufficiently relaxed
and unwound, Mr Cholmondley-Warner?
Most certainly.
But do beware of purchasing
inferior presents for your loved ones.
Defective goods can be dangerous.
It's easy to tell if goods are defective.
They have the words, "Made in Belgium"
written on the bottom.
Here are some suggestions for healthy,
wholesome and practical gifts
for the whole family.
For the youngest,
how about this durable dummy.
It'll keep baby quiet for hours on in.
And because it's made of pure lead,
it'll be some months before
it's sucked away to nothing.
And for the elder child,
why not splash out on the splendid
Croydon Aerodrome game.
Simulate the daily life
of a busy aerodrome,
where planes are taking off and landing,
sometimes at the rate of three
or four a week!
[Warner] What a fine game! You can
almost imagine yourself in the cockpit.
But don't let dad get hold of it!
Ha, ha, ha!
Pets can be a lot of fun
for the children at Christmas
If you have travelled in India,
you'll know that exotic pets
make ideal Yuletide gifts.
Such as lion cubs,
chimpanzees, very small elephants,
or indeed, alligators.
A word of caution. Baby animals
can easily grow into larger animals.
So a day or two after Christmas,
you'll need to shoot it with one of these!
And with that needlework kit
her aunt gave her,
your daughter will be able to turn the pet
into a handy handbag.
Technology now plays its part
in every family home.
They can be little more exciting
than gathering around to inspect
the latest gadget.
Pretty scientists have come up
with another first,
a wireless with pictures.
You can see the people who are speaking
to you on the wireless,
as if they were in your own home!
Now we go to Balmoral where His Majesty,
the King, will address the nation.
But let's not forget the printed word
is still very much with us.
As election of the wholesome
reading material
is both educative and informat-it-itive.
The Day I Killed a Thousand Fuzzy Wuzzies,
by the reverend Aubrey Bagshot,
is a heart-warming account of one man's
spiritual journey through Africa.
And for the younger child,
something a little lighter,
Simon Shoots the Smiling Sambos.
And for those long motoring journeys
over Christmas,
how about this handy dashboard attachment?
These days, we're all aware
of the problems of driver fatigue.
But now you can combat it
with this handy whisky pick-me-up!
But not everyone can afford
expensive presents in the festive season.
At Christmas, one should always
remember the poor.
Indeed.
They may attempt to burgle your house
while you're at a church.
But shortage of money should not be
an obstacle to the joy of giving.
Simply make your own presents
from objects you find around the home.
For instance, a tin of petrol
and a box of matches
becomes a simple and enthralling
petrol and matches game!
So, it's back to work tomorrow,
Mr Cholmondley-Warner.
Yes, it'll be pleasant to wind up again
and stop relaxing.
Merry Christmas, Greyson.
[explosion]
Merry Christmas, Mr Cholmondley-Warner.
Oh, yes. Pavarotti's good, Domingo's good,
Carreras ain't bad for a short-arse.
But in a world of singing,
the biscuit really has to go to Inglesias.
There's nothing more pleasurable in life
than driving along
a regular 65 miles an hour
with Inglesias coming out on the stereo.
Better to have him on the stereo,
eh, Frank, than on the road next to ya,
the way them Latin types drive.
Oh, yeah. You're right there, George.
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I admire Inglesias's superb singing.
But if I was queuing at the lights
on the A316,
you know, that filter over onto the 412,
and Inglesias come up
the inside of the queue
trying to cut in, in front of me...
- You don't give him an inch!
- ...I would be that far away
from the car in front, wind down
the electric windows,
"Oi! Inglesias! No!
I admire the superb tropical rhythms
of your singing voice
but not your filthy driving manners!
The queue for these lights
start back there!
Put your car in reverse,
go back and begin at the beguine!"
Quite right, friend. I mean,
what would happen to fabric of our society
if we allow top international singing
stars to forget basic road manners?
There'd be anarchy!
I mean, I admire Humperdinck.
Oh, the wife
and I semi-worship Humperdinck!
But if I'm approaching a roundabout
with the intention of turning left,
I'm signalling, suddenly, vroom!
Who's this coming up the inside
in a Silver Cloud? It's only Humperdinck!
- And wallop, he's shunted me!
- Jesus! What a pillock!
I'd be out there like a shot,
friend, I tell ya.
Give him a slap and say,
"Oi! Humperdinck! No!
I admire your no-nonsense musicality
but not your nonsense driving!
And no! I will not please release you
until you have provided
your full insurance details,
you hairy-faced, silver-throated tosspot!"
You know, right on your side there,
George. I mean, I admire Como.
- Now everyone admires Como.
- Indeed!
But if I saw him driving along
and there's a bus in front him
indicating to pull out,
and Como ignores it, drives straight past,
causing the bus to brake,
I'd be up there like a shot,
"Oi! Como! No! This is not one
of your magic moments!
A bus has right of way!"
Fair-minded words, Frank.
I mean, it's just selfish, isn't it,
the way these celebrities
think they own the road.
I mean, If I'm driving down the M25,
it's coned off down to one lane,
I have coned off the other two lanes.
- What is it? Road works?
- Oh, no, not road works, Frank.
No. It's Doonican!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah!
He's only got to cone off two lanes
so he can sit there in his rocking chair,
singing a profoundly pleasant
relaxing song.
- What a tit!
- I tell you what,
there'd be no holding me back, Frank.
I'd be over there like a shot.
Kick his rocking chair from under him,
smack his head on the hard shoulder,
nut him, and say, "Oi! Doonican! No!
No-one regrets the demise
of your television show more than me,
but your current antiques
are causing a ten-mile tailback!
You are the arsehole
of the Emerald Isle,
you polo-neck-under-a-V-neck-sweatered,
thoroughly pleasant chap!"
I mean, it's the kind of money
these people earn,
they breeds irresponsibility.
- And completely lost touch with reality!
- Animals!
Here, Glad, butter's gone up again.
Ah, what're you watching, Hild?
The shopping channel?
No, Last Tango in Paris!
Oh! Young man!
M, which says 'meh',
and is for "Manchester."
N, which says 'neh',
and is for "Nerys Hughes."
P, which says 'peh',
and is for "Pacemakers",
- as in Gerry and his pacemaker.
- As in...
♪ Ferry cross the Mersey ♪
♪ Cos this land's the place I love ♪
[man on TV] Bum.
Willy!
Willy!
[man on TV] Dirty pants.
Dirty pants!
[man on TV] Girls' dirty pants!
Girls' dirty pants!
Oh, I love Hale and Pace!
- What time's Bottom on?
- It ain't on anymore.
It's Newman and Baddiel instead.
- Oh, well, let's watch that, then.
- No, Wayne, it's too intellectual for you.
Will they say "willy" sometimes,
don't they?
No, Wayne, they're from
Cambridge University. They say "pineese."
- Pineese?
- Yeah, it's posh for knob.
Anyway...
- What are you doing?
- I'm turning the television off.
What? Why?
Because every night since
we've got married,
- all we've done is watched television.
- Yeah, so what?
So, tonight, for a change,
I thought we'd have it off!
I don't want to have it off
with you, Waynetta, you stink!
Have the television off!
Oh, why?
'Cause I thought for a change,
we might have a cond-versation.
- A what?
- A cond-versation.
- All right, then. You start.
- Right...
I wonder what the weather
will be like tomorrow.
So do I. Let's turn the telly on
and find out.
No, Wayne! The weather forecast ain't on
for another couple of hours.
Well, let's turn it on now,
lest we forget
to watch and miss the forecast completely.
No, Wayne!
Let's try politics.
What do you think of Blair, then?
I think he's very good on Give Us A Clue.
- Not Lionel Blair, Tony Blair.
- Who's Tony "Blegh?"
He's the leader out of the Labour Party!
- Who's the Labour Party?
- Oh, never mind.
- Let's try art.
- You don't know nothing about art.
- I have a smattering of knowledge.
- All right then, name a painter.
All right...
Pistachio.
Turneep.
Vangelis.
Dick Van Dyke.
- Let's try literature.
- [groans]
Did you enjoy the last book you read?
Not really, no.
I gave up halfway through.
I found the plot a little complicated.
- Did you, Wayne?
- Yes, I did, Waynetta.
Oh, what a crying shame.
And what was this book?
Spot the Dog.
Oh.
Art, literature...
politics...
- Wayne.
- What?
Turn the telly on.
[man on TV] Pineese!
Pineese!
T, which says 'dey' and is for,
"Dey do dough, don't dey, dough?"
Dey do, dey do!
Y, which says 'yeh',
and is for "Yeh what?"
- Yeh what? Yeh what?
- Yeh what? Yeh what?
Z, which says 'Zee', and if you turn it
on its side, it looks like an N.
Which is next to M.
- Which is for "Mersey."
- As in...
♪ Ferry cross the Mersey ♪
♪ Got teenage kicks
Right through the night ♪
Can I have a party on Saturday?
- Yes, all right.
- Why not? That's so unfair!
Everybody else is allowed a bloody party.
Alex Green's had seven
and he's younger than me!
- Kevin...
- I hate you!
- Kevin.
- What?
- I said yes, you can have a party.
- Muh!
I want a thousand people!
Don't be silly, Kevin!
Well, why did you bloody bother
having me then?
You can have 20.
[groans] Twenty!
- Twenty, or no party at all.
- [groans]
That is so unfair!
- Okay?
- Okay!
- Any breakages and you pay for them.
- Don't shout at me!
Hi, Perry, we're on for Saturday.
Yeah, they were a pushover, stupid prats.
I hate them.
Yeah. Yeah, I hate them.
Yeah, I saw them on Top of the Pops.
I hate them.
Yeah...
Well, I'll go through the list again.
Sarah Owen, Millie Buckle,
Beatrice Wells...
No, not big fat Beatrice!
No, we got to invite her,
or Millie Buckle won't come.
What about Helen Field?
- Uh, she's a bit spotty.
- Yeah, but she's a right slag!
All right, then.
Angela Wint, or is her arse too big?
I don't mind, and she'll give you
a love-bite if you give her 50p.
All right, then. Alison Black
and Debbie Hinton. That's it.
- We gonna invite any boys?
- No.
- Okay, let's ring them up. You start.
- No, you start.
- Okay, let's toss for it.
- No, I had one before I came round.
[phone ringing]
- [man on phone] Hello?
- Oh!
- You nearly did it then!
- I know.
[door shuts]
- Hello, boys. Have you phoned anyone yet?
- Not yet, Mrs Patterson.
You are pathetic.
Give me the list and I'll phone.
No!
Come on, Perry,
let's go down the phone box,
- where we can have some bloody privacy!
- Bye, Mrs Patterson.
[groans]
Kev, all the girls are here.
You having a party at your house,
11 Maryfield drive on Saturday night
at 7:30, Kev?
- Yeah.
- Right, I'm coming.
- Who else is allowed to come then?
- Like, girls and everything... Girls...
What, the girls that are here's,
like, sort of thing?
Yeah. Let's go.
It'll be really good. It's gonna be like
beer and vodka and all that and I'm--
Come on, Perry!
I've left 20 cans of beer.
After that, soft drinks only.
Okay. Just get out!
- Bye-bye, darling.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Bye bye, Perry.
- Bye, Mr and Mrs Patterson.
[music playing]
Ow! Get off!
Hey Kev, look what I've got.
Great, indoor fireworks!
No, condoms!
I know!
Vanessa Bailey comes tonight
and I'm on for it!
- Reckon?
- She does it with everyone!
- Does she?
- Yeah.
And you better have one
'cause Alison Black's coming
and I know she really fancies you.
- Does she really?
- Yeah.
And she's done it before I know,
with Dave Riggs.
How d'you know?
My brother said Dave wrote it
on the blackboard before Maths!
- Do you think she'll do it with me then?
- Deffo!
- What time is it?
- Half nine. Where is everyone?
[doorbell ringing]
Doorbell, Kev, doorbell!
Doorbell, doorbell!
Bloody hell, Kev! It's Alison Black!
You got your condom?
- Yeah.
- Stick it out a bit, get her going!
Cheers, pal! Good idea.
Hi, Alison. Come in.
D'you want a beer or something?
- Hello, Kevin.
- Hello, Dave Riggs.
I'd love a beer.
Yeah, me too. Thanks.
- It's a good record this, innit, Kev?
- Yeah, it's a good record. A good record.
Hey, Kev, can we borrow
your bedroom for a bit, mate?
What for?
Oh! Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Kev. Oh, and can I borrow this?
- Yeah, sure.
- Cheers, Kev, you're a mate!
Oh, bad luck, Kev!
What? Oh, her? No! I don't fancy her.
She's uglier than I thought.
[doorbell ringing]
Doorbell, Kev!
Doorbell, doorbell, doorbell!
- All right, mate?
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- All right there?
- Hello, mate.
- Yeah, safe...
- Kev, who are they?
- I don't know!
- Where's the booze in, mate?
- It's in the kitchen.
Oh, the stupid cow ain't even in!
This house, a bit flash, ain't it?
So whose is it?
Don't know.
- Uh, Kev...
- Shut up!
- So this is all the booze in, mate?
- Yeah.
- You know, Steve, Goldfish!
- Cool!
Let's have a race.
- Where's the stereo then?
- Over there.
You bastard, I was winning!
No! Don't take that,
that's the owner of the house's!
- Do what, mate?
- Nothing!
- They're taking all your tapes too, Kev.
- All right then, mate, see you later.
- Yeah, see you later.
- Yeah, bye!
- Yeah!
- Cheers!
Yeah, bye!
We'll get 'em when they come back,
eh, Kev?
- See you later then.
- Yeah, cheers, Kev! Good party!
Hi! We're back a bit early!
Oh! Has everyone gone?
What's all this mess?
Where's the stereo?
Why are the goldfish dead?
Perry?
- B-- bigger boys.
- What? What do you mean?
Bigger boys came.
Dad, look at this.
- Oh, my God, Kevin!
- What's happened here?
Well, some bigger boys came here
and stole the stereo
and killed the goldfish.
Well, Christ, Kevin.
Didn't you try and stop them?
They were bigger boys.
They took Kevin's tapes too.
- Kevin, who's Dave Riggs and Alison Black?
- I don't know.
Well, I've just been up in your room.
There's a used condom on the floor
and someone's scrawled "Dave Riggs
shagged Alison Black here..."
in foot-high letters on your wall!
I'm going home.
See you, Kev!
Oh, dear!
Well...
never mind, son.
Never again, eh?
Would you like some cocoa?
Mum!
Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum...
[applause]
The show's not over
until the fat bloke sings!
♪ Dance, dance wherever you may be ♪
♪ I am the Lord of the dance, said he ♪
♪ And I'll lead you all
Wherever you may be ♪
♪ And I'll lead you all
In the dance, said he ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪