Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
Last season
on Harley Quinn,
my bestie Ivy was
engaged to this lame-o,
but I was in love with her, too.
Joker got a second acid
bath. I kicked Psycho's ass.
Hard passed Darkseid.
Saved Ivy from her own wedding
and we drove off into the sunset.
What do you think
we did next, hmm?
Now let's shed those leaves.
Uh,
yeah, I'm Ivy, ooh, yea...
I don't even wear leaves.
Still, ya gotta
respect the hustle.
I mean, they wrote, shot, and edited this
in two weeks since Psycho blew up our spot.
Was that only two weeks ago?
It feels like so much longer.
I know, right?
- - The
sign says "no girls allowed"
Superman's dead dad?
Harlivy? What are
you doing here?
Ooh! Is that our official
celeb couple name?
Ugh, I would have just
gone with "Hivey".
I hadn't said it out loud before,
it looks better in writing.
Now surrender, fugitives! Wait,
are you watching a dirty movie?
This is the Fortress
of Solitude!
L-O-L a "dirty movie"?
Uh, relax, we just dropped in to
chill for a bit and eat all your chips
while Gordon's
looking for us, okay?
Your big, dumb son
says it's okay.
Oh, did he now?
Perhaps we should call him.
- You really don't have to do that.
- Yeah, don't do that.
Ladies, your honeymoon is over.
Wrong again! It's
just beginning!
C'mon, Hivey, let's bounce.
Come back here and face justice!
Wait, did you sign
up for HBO Max?
I already used my free trial!
Shit, shit, shit,
where'd we park? God!
- How does Wonder Woman keep track of this damn jet?
- - Oh! It's
right over there. Yay!
So, what do we do now?
Let the "Eat Bang
Kill" tour begin.
- Come here.
To us, together at last.
Harley and Ivy take
over the fucking world!
- Hello? Hello?
-This is Commissioner Gordon.
- Oh, he's on! He's on! You, you!
This is
the IRS calling, sir,
you have a $90,000
lien on your house.
How in the he... Is
this about my ex-wife?
We're gonna need to confirm your identity.
What's your credit card number again?
-Oh, life saver! So, any credit card?
-Gimme, gimme, gimme!
The one with the highest limit.
Okay, let's see. You ready
for the number? Four-six...
- Charge it to the room.
- Missus and Missus Gordon.
- Ugh.
- - Send our regards to
whatever shitty tabloid you work for!
And tell Ben Affleck I
upper-decked his fancy soda stream!
- Champagne, my queen?
Harls, I gotta tell ya, this
trip you have planned for us...
Call her by her name.
Right, the "Eat Bang Kill
Tour," is just so sweet,
it's so fun, and then raunchy...
and then a little scary.
I know, it's going
to be hard to top
punching a bunch of Buckingham
guards in the dick though.
Oh, oh, tell
me your favorite part.
Um, I really liked walking
through the Queen's rose garden.
Each rose totally blooming
to her full potential.
I'm like what is this
woman's secret...
It's all about
the sprinkler schedule.
Who said that?
- Queen Elizabeth the second?
- How did she get in here?
- She shoved me in a bag.
Happy two-week anniversary!
Oh, wow, wow, Harls.
- What you... You don't like it?
- No, I do. I do.
I like it.
- It's so pleasurable to meet you, your majesty.
Aren't people going to be, like,
looking for her? I just took my bra off.
I gotcha, Ive. We'll
wrap this thing up quick!
Let's commemorate with
an emergency photo shoot.
- Kiss under the missile for good luck, Ive!
Okay, okay, I think we got the
shot! Time to lose our tail.
It's been real,
your majesty! Later!
- Watch the... Harley, no!
Yeah, she's got an
invisible parachute.
I am gonna choose
not to question that.
The potholes, the sinkholes, toxic
puddles, super squirrels, exploding sewers,
haunted crosswalks, we've
got children driving busses,
pregnant rats on every corner,
it costs $38 to mail a letter... Personally,
I loaded up on forever stamps in high school,
but not everyone's
smart like that.
- So is that a question or?
If you're elected mayor, how the
hell you gonna fix all this, Gordon?
Cheryl, you're my lieutenant!
I've got step-kids to feed and
you're blowing our tax money
on tanks, robocops, and
GCPD branded water bottles.
Eh, we paid for it
with the library tax.
Most people are only in there
to use the bathroom, anyway.
- Why's everybody mad at me?
The biggest existential threat to
Gotham is criminals like Harley Quinn
and Poison Ivy, who
continue to wreak havoc.
I'll do whatever it takes
to bring them to justice.
Mayor, you have 30
seconds to respond.
Your police budget
is out of control.
-You're the mayor! You approved my budget!
- Lame!
- Boo yourself!
Hold on! I've dedicated my life to trying
to keep this piece of shit city safe!
- You stink!
- Nuh-uh!
Hashtag team Harlivy!
- You suck!
I'll bring Harley and Ivy to justice,
and then you'll change your tune!
Everyone's gonna be
whistlin' Jimmy Gordon baby!
- Fuck you!
- No, fuck you!
I think that went pretty
well. What do you think?
Can you believe it's been 16 whole days
since we've been together?
I'm sorry, who's
flying this plane?
-It's on autopilot. Oh, shit, wait, hold on.
- Okay, now it's on autopilot.
I know I've been showering you with super
thoughtful gifts to an almost exhausting degree,
but get ready 'cause this next
one's gonna blow your skirt up.
But it's also very chill.
We've been doing all this intense bad
guy fighting, which you do often enjoy,
but there's this whole other
side to you which is like,
plants! And I love that, too.
Surprise!
Ugh! No! I thought I smelled stone-age
pollen. Why did you bring me here?
Uh, what? You built this
beautiful place. It's your baby.
I thought you'd get excited and
maybe we'd mess around a little bit.
Come on, let's have
sex in your baby!
I... I brought you here because
I thought it would inspire you.
Harley, it's not inspiring,
it's... It's a total failure.
I... I had this dumb idea to terraform
Earth using prehistoric plants.
Ah!
You know and then I called
it Edin with an "I" for Ivy.
That's so cute!
Okay, the name's not great.
But the... But the idea is!
I worked on it for like way too long, and
then I could only grow this one shitty acre...
Of the most beautiful jungle
anyone's ever seen! My girl!
No, I failed over
and over again.
I designed it, like, ten years ago,
the colors are so dated. Oh, my God!
I feel like I'm in, like, an
Urban Outfitters sale section.
Hey. Neon is back! Some
people say it never went away.
Ivy, you spent the last two years
helping me with my stupid bullshit
and making chili with your ex.
Yeah. I also died
and was resurrected.
Yes, exactly. You are
a badass evil villain.
You should mold the
world to your vision.
It's time to focus
on what you want.
Since we're here, it's at least
worth looking around, right?
I mean, the root system
does look pretty strong.
I used to be so into
that.
- Okay. Fine.
-We can look around. But let's make it quick.
- Oh, my God! Babe!
- What? What?
Did the queen find us? Do
we need to finish her off?
Start an international incident?
I just negotiated the correct
pH in the groundwater!
Oh, cool, I'm loving
how inspired you are.
Bee-tee-dubs, in case other people
ask me, what's the wi-fi here?
There's no wi-fi in Edin...
That's like the whole point.
A paradise that reverses all the damage
humans have done to the environment.
Where ancient plants can finally
bloom to their full potential!
Totally!
Reclaiming every inch
from toxic factories,
fast food chains.
Bravolebrities!
But not the ones that make
their own wine, right?
I cannot go back to buying based
on the label. No fucking way.
Just imagine, you and me, sitting
in the sun, living off the nectars.
We don't have to run from
anybody or bash any heads in.
Um, yeah,
yeah, that is so cool.
You know, I don't need to bash
people's heads in or have wi-fi.
I can just sit here. Maybe I'll learn
to talk to flowers or something.
And this mind control
device? Who needs it!
Oh,
look at this soil!
The Staghorn fern
is self-propagating,
so if I can get the
right acidity levels...
And then, who knows,
Terraforming could be possible!
Ooh! An unknown number, maybe it's a
telemarketer, I'd better answer it!
Hello, outside world!
Oh, hey, girl! It's King Shark.
OMG K.S. Bang Bang! What's happening
in Gotham? Tell me all the hot goss!
Well, funny you should ask,
we're being tortured. So,
how are things with you?
Wait... You're being
tortured? By who?
Oh, I hate to be a spoilsport but
me and Clayface are incarcerated.
Gordon nabbed
us at the wedding.
He's holding us in Arkham.
But if you're too busy to
rescue us, we understand...
No! We'll be right there!
Ivy! I've got some
terrible news!
So, let's just in and
out, no extra drama.
My seedlings are just in a crucial
stage and I want to get back ASAP.
Oh, yeah, me, too, can't miss
the crucial seedling stage.
You know, as soon as we make Gordon
pay for messing with our crew!
Let's skip Arkham and crash this
jet right into Gordon's house
and slaughter his entire family!
Honey, I know you haven't punched
anyone in the dick in two days,
but we have to be
smart about this.
Actually, yesterday there was a fox that
tried to take a shit too close to me. So...
Gordon could be
using him as bait.
A shark as bait? Ha! That is so
fucked up. God, you're smart!
This is why we
make a great team.
You with your brilliantly thought out
strategies and plant goddess superpowers,
and me with...
- You gonna fill that part in?
- What?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
sorry. I was just...
- Your hair looks really good today.
- I know, right?
The shark found the phone we planted and
called Harley just like we thought he would.
I bring down Harley and Ivy, no one's
gonna be complaining about the potholes,
the sinkholes, toxic puddles,
exploding sewers, haunted...
This is torture!
Let me out of here!
Chin up, buddy! Before you know
it, Harley is going to bust us out.
She better do it soon.
I have an audition in six hours for the
new Thomas Wayne biographical picture!
"A Hard Wayne's Gonna Fall."
Another movie
about a bipedal billionaire.
And a trashy reboot at that.
Stop it! That puckish
auteur James Gunn,
is spreading his wings into the
horizons of award season drama!
If you can't make the audition,
why don't you just submit a tape?
We could just use the phone
that suspiciously showed up
in my French bread
pizza at lunch.
Oh, like now?
Hello. Clayface. Arkham Asylum.
Five to seven feet tall,
or whatever suits the role
of "Thug Number Three."
Willing to shave. Anywhere.
Is this gonna be much longer? I gotta
go pick up a prescription for my lizard.
Pay dirt!
- Freeze!
I'm getting nervous about Britney and
Kylie's improv skills with Gordon.
They're trained professionals. I'm sure they're
gonna buy us at least another five minutes.
Oh, no!
Have we been bad?
Ooh, we need
someone to punish us.
Not Commissioner Gordon!
Ooh, we respect and
fear him so much.
Something about this
doesn't seem right.
Hold on, let's hear them out.
What the? Adult film actresses
Kylie Kryptonite and Britney Bionic?
- I'm a huge fan!
- Loved you in the "Drilling Joke."
-Sign my gun?
-Can I get an autograph? It's for my husband.
Wait. This is where you drugged and kidnapped
me to help me escape an abusive relationship.
Harlivy!
- Shark face!
You look radiant!
Oh, thanks! We've been
doing a ton of fucking.
To the jet! Quick!
God, I can't believe I just
said that, that was so lame.
Should I try that again? You know
what, nevermind, let's just go.
Watch where you're going, Karen!
Excuse you, bitch! You just
bumped into Poison Ivy.
One of the premier
supervillains in this world,
newly inspired for some really
cool shit she's working on.
And my BFF GFF slash...
Hottest woman alive.
Supervillain? Ha! She
hasn't done anything evil in years!
Where the fuck do
you get off? You...
- Come on, Harley, let's go.
- Yeah.
- You're not coming with?
We're gonna jet back to Edin and
continue the important work we were doing
with the leaves and
measuring them...
Probably having lunch
at some point...
Then maybe, maybe more
leaf inspections...
And you're enjoying that?
Oh, yeah! I love chaos but I also
love plants. Just like my lady.
Harley, I mean, if you want to hang
with them, you don't have to come...
Are you kidding? There's nothing
I'd rather do than listen to bae
talk about chlorophyll
for a couple of weeks.
So I won't be needing these...
The nuclear codes expire on
Tuesday. Miss ya, mean it!
Stop by whenever and also call
me if anything cool happens
and even anything uncool happens
I don't want to miss out. Bye!
- Huh?
- Mmm-mmm.
You're what the French
call "Les Incompetents."
- That's a little...
- Losing Harley and Ivy again,
and now half the GCPD is suspended for
the shit they posted on social media
with pornstars. I
should have your badge!
We'll let the people decide
who's gonna take whose job
when I kick your
butt in the election.
You don't
stand a chance.
Just ask my campaign manager.
What? How could you do this to me?
- Do you know what my name is?
- Harvey Dent.
- Right, but my moniker?
Oh!
I still don't get it.
Ooh! Big whoops. Whatevs.
Enjoy your seventh
term, Mr. Mayor!
Just know this open sewer of a city
and its shit problems are all yours
and I hope you choke
on 'em.
- Stupid squirrel!
Ah, damn kid bus drivers!
Live by the polls, die
by the polls. Poetic.
Good news is I just
became available again.
No!
I just put the tea kettle on, do
you want chamomile or jasmine?
- What?
- Nothing.
- What is that noise?
- Well, I mean, it is our 18th day anniversary.
I'll give it to you later. Actually
no, I'll give it to you now.
- So what is it with you and, like, bags of people?
Surprise!
Oh, my gosh. Harley! Do
you know who this is?
Yeah, it's the munch who
said you weren't evil!
Let's feed her to a
plant or something!
Give her an unflattering
haircut for her face shape!
Show her you are the
baddest bitch on the planet!
She's head of the Suicide Squad.
Oh, so you're Amanda Waller?
Oh, whoa, we need to make a
Gotham yearbook or something.
I know the names but not the faces, but
sometimes the faces and not the names.
- Harls.
You never returned my emails.
Yeah, thanks for the t-shirts and all,
but the only squad I'm joining is Cobb.
Yet you still refuse
to get the tattoo.
What's your damage, Waller?
Always perving on supervillains
and putting bombs in their heads.
You think you're hot shit but no one's
above being rude to my bae! Now apologize.
You think you can kidnap
me without repercussions?
I eat repercussions
for breakfast!
Harley, why are you
stirring up drama right now?
We are supposed to be checking
mitochondrial reactions.
- This is not drama, okay?
What's she gonna do? She's
wearing a pencil skirt.
You dance with me, you dance with
the entirety of a team of renegades
who take on the dirty jobs the
U.S. Government won't even do.
Captain Boomerang.
Killer Croc.
Enchantress.
Deadshot.
Katana.
Together they are,
The Suicide Squad.
Some of the meanest psychos who
are alerted whenever Amanda Waller
sends out the signal.
Which you did
about two hours ago.
That's pretty cool, eh?
P.R. put it together.
Oh, they want your notes
by end of day. No rush.
Uh, hey! Can I see it?
Oh, sure, yeah, I'll send you
the link. Right after I kill ya.
You kill us? You didn't
even make the montage!
Where's everybody else?
Oh, uh, P.R. has the A-team
overthrowing a dictator
in Central America. But...
I am Plastique. And I'm
"the bomb."
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, I've got butterflies
of excitement!
Oh, no, I'm going to faint.
Pull yourself together, man!
Do you want to get cast as
Thug Number Three or not?
Yes! Playing a minor character
in a billion-dollar franchise
is every actor's dream!
-There we go. Warm up that instrument.
Keep going. Oh, you definitely couldn't
have done this alone in the car.
"Quit ya yappin' or the tooth fairy
is gonna need to do a little, uh...
She's gonna come
and collect her...
Uh, tooth, uh, fee."
I'm sorry, can
I try it a different way?
That was great! No
notes! Thanks so much!
Please, I have incredible range!
I'm perfect for this role,
but if not, I can
be anyone else.
A shocked bystander?
A lost tourist?
An uncredited limo driver?
I need this job. I'll lose my
SAG insurance and the screeners!
I use the elaborate boxes they
send them to store my leftovers.
How will I keep my
egg salad fresh?
That sounds like a you problem.
Thanks for coming out.
You
already said that...
Ugh, God. This
chair is killing me.
Can you get me one that doesn't
make my ass fall asleep?
One with lumbar support perhaps?
Please, James Gunn, sit on me!
Oh. Ooh!
Well, Mister Face, what
would you say to a job
on set as the director's chair?
God, you look like a pile of shit
but you feel like a pile of clouds!
Bombs away!
Too slow, eh?
- Ivy!
We really shouldn't have
given away all our weapons.
We could use those
nuclear codes about now!
- Here!
- Aww, but I gave that to you for our three-day anniversary!
Well, eat scepter,
Plastique!
Ouch! God damn it.
Now we get serious!
- Oh, I think I've heard of Plastique.
She's like a failed Canadian
political terrorist, right?
I didn't know Canada
made terrorists.
Chirp away, hosers! I almost
blew up a super-soldier lab!
Oh, is that before or after you
stole Carmen Sandiego's coat.
God, you know I meant that as
an insult, but I do love her.
- Eat ash!
- My ranunculus!
I hope you're ready to be in
a new montage. In Memoriam!
I was born for it!
Oh, hang on, it's gotta, yeah, it does this
little blinkie thing before it explo...
It's gone.
It's all gone.
I'm so sorry.
Wait! Look, look!
It's not all dead.
Ew!
If I hadn't kidnapped Amanda Waller
none of this would've happened.
I'm addicted to drama!
It's fine, it's fine, Harley.
Edin was doomed to fail.
No! I saw how happy you were,
tinkering with your shiny trees
and the wet hunks of grass.
And all the green stuff.
Oh. Wow, please never
describe nature again.
Look, there's
nothing I want more than
to terraform the world.
To take it back from
humans, but...
It just can't be done.
At least not by me.
That is bullshit. You can do
it because now... You have me.
Harley, I saw how
bored you were.
It's okay if we don't
do everything together.
Disagree! These last
19-and-a-half days
have been the most
emotionally dope of my life.
I know the Eat Bang Kill
Tour can't go on forever.
So let's get serious.
I am all in! I
want what you want.
Please let me help you see your
beautiful evil plot through.
Please, let's plant
some shit, please?
You really think I
can do this, peanut?
Yes! Totally! Partners in crime
in every sense of the word.
- BFFs GFFs, right?
Harley and Ivy take
over the fucking world!
I'll put on the tea kettle.
Happy 19th-day
anniversary.
on Harley Quinn,
my bestie Ivy was
engaged to this lame-o,
but I was in love with her, too.
Joker got a second acid
bath. I kicked Psycho's ass.
Hard passed Darkseid.
Saved Ivy from her own wedding
and we drove off into the sunset.
What do you think
we did next, hmm?
Now let's shed those leaves.
Uh,
yeah, I'm Ivy, ooh, yea...
I don't even wear leaves.
Still, ya gotta
respect the hustle.
I mean, they wrote, shot, and edited this
in two weeks since Psycho blew up our spot.
Was that only two weeks ago?
It feels like so much longer.
I know, right?
- - The
sign says "no girls allowed"
Superman's dead dad?
Harlivy? What are
you doing here?
Ooh! Is that our official
celeb couple name?
Ugh, I would have just
gone with "Hivey".
I hadn't said it out loud before,
it looks better in writing.
Now surrender, fugitives! Wait,
are you watching a dirty movie?
This is the Fortress
of Solitude!
L-O-L a "dirty movie"?
Uh, relax, we just dropped in to
chill for a bit and eat all your chips
while Gordon's
looking for us, okay?
Your big, dumb son
says it's okay.
Oh, did he now?
Perhaps we should call him.
- You really don't have to do that.
- Yeah, don't do that.
Ladies, your honeymoon is over.
Wrong again! It's
just beginning!
C'mon, Hivey, let's bounce.
Come back here and face justice!
Wait, did you sign
up for HBO Max?
I already used my free trial!
Shit, shit, shit,
where'd we park? God!
- How does Wonder Woman keep track of this damn jet?
- - Oh! It's
right over there. Yay!
So, what do we do now?
Let the "Eat Bang
Kill" tour begin.
- Come here.
To us, together at last.
Harley and Ivy take
over the fucking world!
- Hello? Hello?
-This is Commissioner Gordon.
- Oh, he's on! He's on! You, you!
This is
the IRS calling, sir,
you have a $90,000
lien on your house.
How in the he... Is
this about my ex-wife?
We're gonna need to confirm your identity.
What's your credit card number again?
-Oh, life saver! So, any credit card?
-Gimme, gimme, gimme!
The one with the highest limit.
Okay, let's see. You ready
for the number? Four-six...
- Charge it to the room.
- Missus and Missus Gordon.
- Ugh.
- - Send our regards to
whatever shitty tabloid you work for!
And tell Ben Affleck I
upper-decked his fancy soda stream!
- Champagne, my queen?
Harls, I gotta tell ya, this
trip you have planned for us...
Call her by her name.
Right, the "Eat Bang Kill
Tour," is just so sweet,
it's so fun, and then raunchy...
and then a little scary.
I know, it's going
to be hard to top
punching a bunch of Buckingham
guards in the dick though.
Oh, oh, tell
me your favorite part.
Um, I really liked walking
through the Queen's rose garden.
Each rose totally blooming
to her full potential.
I'm like what is this
woman's secret...
It's all about
the sprinkler schedule.
Who said that?
- Queen Elizabeth the second?
- How did she get in here?
- She shoved me in a bag.
Happy two-week anniversary!
Oh, wow, wow, Harls.
- What you... You don't like it?
- No, I do. I do.
I like it.
- It's so pleasurable to meet you, your majesty.
Aren't people going to be, like,
looking for her? I just took my bra off.
I gotcha, Ive. We'll
wrap this thing up quick!
Let's commemorate with
an emergency photo shoot.
- Kiss under the missile for good luck, Ive!
Okay, okay, I think we got the
shot! Time to lose our tail.
It's been real,
your majesty! Later!
- Watch the... Harley, no!
Yeah, she's got an
invisible parachute.
I am gonna choose
not to question that.
The potholes, the sinkholes, toxic
puddles, super squirrels, exploding sewers,
haunted crosswalks, we've
got children driving busses,
pregnant rats on every corner,
it costs $38 to mail a letter... Personally,
I loaded up on forever stamps in high school,
but not everyone's
smart like that.
- So is that a question or?
If you're elected mayor, how the
hell you gonna fix all this, Gordon?
Cheryl, you're my lieutenant!
I've got step-kids to feed and
you're blowing our tax money
on tanks, robocops, and
GCPD branded water bottles.
Eh, we paid for it
with the library tax.
Most people are only in there
to use the bathroom, anyway.
- Why's everybody mad at me?
The biggest existential threat to
Gotham is criminals like Harley Quinn
and Poison Ivy, who
continue to wreak havoc.
I'll do whatever it takes
to bring them to justice.
Mayor, you have 30
seconds to respond.
Your police budget
is out of control.
-You're the mayor! You approved my budget!
- Lame!
- Boo yourself!
Hold on! I've dedicated my life to trying
to keep this piece of shit city safe!
- You stink!
- Nuh-uh!
Hashtag team Harlivy!
- You suck!
I'll bring Harley and Ivy to justice,
and then you'll change your tune!
Everyone's gonna be
whistlin' Jimmy Gordon baby!
- Fuck you!
- No, fuck you!
I think that went pretty
well. What do you think?
Can you believe it's been 16 whole days
since we've been together?
I'm sorry, who's
flying this plane?
-It's on autopilot. Oh, shit, wait, hold on.
- Okay, now it's on autopilot.
I know I've been showering you with super
thoughtful gifts to an almost exhausting degree,
but get ready 'cause this next
one's gonna blow your skirt up.
But it's also very chill.
We've been doing all this intense bad
guy fighting, which you do often enjoy,
but there's this whole other
side to you which is like,
plants! And I love that, too.
Surprise!
Ugh! No! I thought I smelled stone-age
pollen. Why did you bring me here?
Uh, what? You built this
beautiful place. It's your baby.
I thought you'd get excited and
maybe we'd mess around a little bit.
Come on, let's have
sex in your baby!
I... I brought you here because
I thought it would inspire you.
Harley, it's not inspiring,
it's... It's a total failure.
I... I had this dumb idea to terraform
Earth using prehistoric plants.
Ah!
You know and then I called
it Edin with an "I" for Ivy.
That's so cute!
Okay, the name's not great.
But the... But the idea is!
I worked on it for like way too long, and
then I could only grow this one shitty acre...
Of the most beautiful jungle
anyone's ever seen! My girl!
No, I failed over
and over again.
I designed it, like, ten years ago,
the colors are so dated. Oh, my God!
I feel like I'm in, like, an
Urban Outfitters sale section.
Hey. Neon is back! Some
people say it never went away.
Ivy, you spent the last two years
helping me with my stupid bullshit
and making chili with your ex.
Yeah. I also died
and was resurrected.
Yes, exactly. You are
a badass evil villain.
You should mold the
world to your vision.
It's time to focus
on what you want.
Since we're here, it's at least
worth looking around, right?
I mean, the root system
does look pretty strong.
I used to be so into
that.
- Okay. Fine.
-We can look around. But let's make it quick.
- Oh, my God! Babe!
- What? What?
Did the queen find us? Do
we need to finish her off?
Start an international incident?
I just negotiated the correct
pH in the groundwater!
Oh, cool, I'm loving
how inspired you are.
Bee-tee-dubs, in case other people
ask me, what's the wi-fi here?
There's no wi-fi in Edin...
That's like the whole point.
A paradise that reverses all the damage
humans have done to the environment.
Where ancient plants can finally
bloom to their full potential!
Totally!
Reclaiming every inch
from toxic factories,
fast food chains.
Bravolebrities!
But not the ones that make
their own wine, right?
I cannot go back to buying based
on the label. No fucking way.
Just imagine, you and me, sitting
in the sun, living off the nectars.
We don't have to run from
anybody or bash any heads in.
Um, yeah,
yeah, that is so cool.
You know, I don't need to bash
people's heads in or have wi-fi.
I can just sit here. Maybe I'll learn
to talk to flowers or something.
And this mind control
device? Who needs it!
Oh,
look at this soil!
The Staghorn fern
is self-propagating,
so if I can get the
right acidity levels...
And then, who knows,
Terraforming could be possible!
Ooh! An unknown number, maybe it's a
telemarketer, I'd better answer it!
Hello, outside world!
Oh, hey, girl! It's King Shark.
OMG K.S. Bang Bang! What's happening
in Gotham? Tell me all the hot goss!
Well, funny you should ask,
we're being tortured. So,
how are things with you?
Wait... You're being
tortured? By who?
Oh, I hate to be a spoilsport but
me and Clayface are incarcerated.
Gordon nabbed
us at the wedding.
He's holding us in Arkham.
But if you're too busy to
rescue us, we understand...
No! We'll be right there!
Ivy! I've got some
terrible news!
So, let's just in and
out, no extra drama.
My seedlings are just in a crucial
stage and I want to get back ASAP.
Oh, yeah, me, too, can't miss
the crucial seedling stage.
You know, as soon as we make Gordon
pay for messing with our crew!
Let's skip Arkham and crash this
jet right into Gordon's house
and slaughter his entire family!
Honey, I know you haven't punched
anyone in the dick in two days,
but we have to be
smart about this.
Actually, yesterday there was a fox that
tried to take a shit too close to me. So...
Gordon could be
using him as bait.
A shark as bait? Ha! That is so
fucked up. God, you're smart!
This is why we
make a great team.
You with your brilliantly thought out
strategies and plant goddess superpowers,
and me with...
- You gonna fill that part in?
- What?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
sorry. I was just...
- Your hair looks really good today.
- I know, right?
The shark found the phone we planted and
called Harley just like we thought he would.
I bring down Harley and Ivy, no one's
gonna be complaining about the potholes,
the sinkholes, toxic puddles,
exploding sewers, haunted...
This is torture!
Let me out of here!
Chin up, buddy! Before you know
it, Harley is going to bust us out.
She better do it soon.
I have an audition in six hours for the
new Thomas Wayne biographical picture!
"A Hard Wayne's Gonna Fall."
Another movie
about a bipedal billionaire.
And a trashy reboot at that.
Stop it! That puckish
auteur James Gunn,
is spreading his wings into the
horizons of award season drama!
If you can't make the audition,
why don't you just submit a tape?
We could just use the phone
that suspiciously showed up
in my French bread
pizza at lunch.
Oh, like now?
Hello. Clayface. Arkham Asylum.
Five to seven feet tall,
or whatever suits the role
of "Thug Number Three."
Willing to shave. Anywhere.
Is this gonna be much longer? I gotta
go pick up a prescription for my lizard.
Pay dirt!
- Freeze!
I'm getting nervous about Britney and
Kylie's improv skills with Gordon.
They're trained professionals. I'm sure they're
gonna buy us at least another five minutes.
Oh, no!
Have we been bad?
Ooh, we need
someone to punish us.
Not Commissioner Gordon!
Ooh, we respect and
fear him so much.
Something about this
doesn't seem right.
Hold on, let's hear them out.
What the? Adult film actresses
Kylie Kryptonite and Britney Bionic?
- I'm a huge fan!
- Loved you in the "Drilling Joke."
-Sign my gun?
-Can I get an autograph? It's for my husband.
Wait. This is where you drugged and kidnapped
me to help me escape an abusive relationship.
Harlivy!
- Shark face!
You look radiant!
Oh, thanks! We've been
doing a ton of fucking.
To the jet! Quick!
God, I can't believe I just
said that, that was so lame.
Should I try that again? You know
what, nevermind, let's just go.
Watch where you're going, Karen!
Excuse you, bitch! You just
bumped into Poison Ivy.
One of the premier
supervillains in this world,
newly inspired for some really
cool shit she's working on.
And my BFF GFF slash...
Hottest woman alive.
Supervillain? Ha! She
hasn't done anything evil in years!
Where the fuck do
you get off? You...
- Come on, Harley, let's go.
- Yeah.
- You're not coming with?
We're gonna jet back to Edin and
continue the important work we were doing
with the leaves and
measuring them...
Probably having lunch
at some point...
Then maybe, maybe more
leaf inspections...
And you're enjoying that?
Oh, yeah! I love chaos but I also
love plants. Just like my lady.
Harley, I mean, if you want to hang
with them, you don't have to come...
Are you kidding? There's nothing
I'd rather do than listen to bae
talk about chlorophyll
for a couple of weeks.
So I won't be needing these...
The nuclear codes expire on
Tuesday. Miss ya, mean it!
Stop by whenever and also call
me if anything cool happens
and even anything uncool happens
I don't want to miss out. Bye!
- Huh?
- Mmm-mmm.
You're what the French
call "Les Incompetents."
- That's a little...
- Losing Harley and Ivy again,
and now half the GCPD is suspended for
the shit they posted on social media
with pornstars. I
should have your badge!
We'll let the people decide
who's gonna take whose job
when I kick your
butt in the election.
You don't
stand a chance.
Just ask my campaign manager.
What? How could you do this to me?
- Do you know what my name is?
- Harvey Dent.
- Right, but my moniker?
Oh!
I still don't get it.
Ooh! Big whoops. Whatevs.
Enjoy your seventh
term, Mr. Mayor!
Just know this open sewer of a city
and its shit problems are all yours
and I hope you choke
on 'em.
- Stupid squirrel!
Ah, damn kid bus drivers!
Live by the polls, die
by the polls. Poetic.
Good news is I just
became available again.
No!
I just put the tea kettle on, do
you want chamomile or jasmine?
- What?
- Nothing.
- What is that noise?
- Well, I mean, it is our 18th day anniversary.
I'll give it to you later. Actually
no, I'll give it to you now.
- So what is it with you and, like, bags of people?
Surprise!
Oh, my gosh. Harley! Do
you know who this is?
Yeah, it's the munch who
said you weren't evil!
Let's feed her to a
plant or something!
Give her an unflattering
haircut for her face shape!
Show her you are the
baddest bitch on the planet!
She's head of the Suicide Squad.
Oh, so you're Amanda Waller?
Oh, whoa, we need to make a
Gotham yearbook or something.
I know the names but not the faces, but
sometimes the faces and not the names.
- Harls.
You never returned my emails.
Yeah, thanks for the t-shirts and all,
but the only squad I'm joining is Cobb.
Yet you still refuse
to get the tattoo.
What's your damage, Waller?
Always perving on supervillains
and putting bombs in their heads.
You think you're hot shit but no one's
above being rude to my bae! Now apologize.
You think you can kidnap
me without repercussions?
I eat repercussions
for breakfast!
Harley, why are you
stirring up drama right now?
We are supposed to be checking
mitochondrial reactions.
- This is not drama, okay?
What's she gonna do? She's
wearing a pencil skirt.
You dance with me, you dance with
the entirety of a team of renegades
who take on the dirty jobs the
U.S. Government won't even do.
Captain Boomerang.
Killer Croc.
Enchantress.
Deadshot.
Katana.
Together they are,
The Suicide Squad.
Some of the meanest psychos who
are alerted whenever Amanda Waller
sends out the signal.
Which you did
about two hours ago.
That's pretty cool, eh?
P.R. put it together.
Oh, they want your notes
by end of day. No rush.
Uh, hey! Can I see it?
Oh, sure, yeah, I'll send you
the link. Right after I kill ya.
You kill us? You didn't
even make the montage!
Where's everybody else?
Oh, uh, P.R. has the A-team
overthrowing a dictator
in Central America. But...
I am Plastique. And I'm
"the bomb."
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, I've got butterflies
of excitement!
Oh, no, I'm going to faint.
Pull yourself together, man!
Do you want to get cast as
Thug Number Three or not?
Yes! Playing a minor character
in a billion-dollar franchise
is every actor's dream!
-There we go. Warm up that instrument.
Keep going. Oh, you definitely couldn't
have done this alone in the car.
"Quit ya yappin' or the tooth fairy
is gonna need to do a little, uh...
She's gonna come
and collect her...
Uh, tooth, uh, fee."
I'm sorry, can
I try it a different way?
That was great! No
notes! Thanks so much!
Please, I have incredible range!
I'm perfect for this role,
but if not, I can
be anyone else.
A shocked bystander?
A lost tourist?
An uncredited limo driver?
I need this job. I'll lose my
SAG insurance and the screeners!
I use the elaborate boxes they
send them to store my leftovers.
How will I keep my
egg salad fresh?
That sounds like a you problem.
Thanks for coming out.
You
already said that...
Ugh, God. This
chair is killing me.
Can you get me one that doesn't
make my ass fall asleep?
One with lumbar support perhaps?
Please, James Gunn, sit on me!
Oh. Ooh!
Well, Mister Face, what
would you say to a job
on set as the director's chair?
God, you look like a pile of shit
but you feel like a pile of clouds!
Bombs away!
Too slow, eh?
- Ivy!
We really shouldn't have
given away all our weapons.
We could use those
nuclear codes about now!
- Here!
- Aww, but I gave that to you for our three-day anniversary!
Well, eat scepter,
Plastique!
Ouch! God damn it.
Now we get serious!
- Oh, I think I've heard of Plastique.
She's like a failed Canadian
political terrorist, right?
I didn't know Canada
made terrorists.
Chirp away, hosers! I almost
blew up a super-soldier lab!
Oh, is that before or after you
stole Carmen Sandiego's coat.
God, you know I meant that as
an insult, but I do love her.
- Eat ash!
- My ranunculus!
I hope you're ready to be in
a new montage. In Memoriam!
I was born for it!
Oh, hang on, it's gotta, yeah, it does this
little blinkie thing before it explo...
It's gone.
It's all gone.
I'm so sorry.
Wait! Look, look!
It's not all dead.
Ew!
If I hadn't kidnapped Amanda Waller
none of this would've happened.
I'm addicted to drama!
It's fine, it's fine, Harley.
Edin was doomed to fail.
No! I saw how happy you were,
tinkering with your shiny trees
and the wet hunks of grass.
And all the green stuff.
Oh. Wow, please never
describe nature again.
Look, there's
nothing I want more than
to terraform the world.
To take it back from
humans, but...
It just can't be done.
At least not by me.
That is bullshit. You can do
it because now... You have me.
Harley, I saw how
bored you were.
It's okay if we don't
do everything together.
Disagree! These last
19-and-a-half days
have been the most
emotionally dope of my life.
I know the Eat Bang Kill
Tour can't go on forever.
So let's get serious.
I am all in! I
want what you want.
Please let me help you see your
beautiful evil plot through.
Please, let's plant
some shit, please?
You really think I
can do this, peanut?
Yes! Totally! Partners in crime
in every sense of the word.
- BFFs GFFs, right?
Harley and Ivy take
over the fucking world!
I'll put on the tea kettle.
Happy 19th-day
anniversary.