Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - There's No Ivy in Team - full transcript
Gotham City.
Demons are rising up.
Criminals breathe
in the shadows.
Blood paints the
streets like graffiti.
My home needs Nightwing.
Uh, anyone want to switch seats?
Finally! Hey, next time
we steal an invisible jet,
let's just, like, fly
home before it explodes.
Hello, Alfred.
Looks like the prodigal son
has returned...
What up, Gotham City? You
ready to lick off my toes?
Harley and Ivy are back!
That's how you wax
poetic, you fucking dork.
- My word!
- Hmm.
- I'll grab a cab.
Mmm. Hoda Kotb, your
pantry is beyond organized.
An oatmeal shelf. I am gagged!
My Meyer lemon tree is
finally producing fruit.
You know, they're not
like regular lemons.
It's that hint of sweetness
that makes all the diff...
Hello, clayfaces and shark men!
And me!
I got your cheap Hudson
News-ass postcard from Paris.
I know you got this
shit at the airport.
Oui, oui, motherfucker!
Oh, you're back! And creating all
kinds of fun new holes in the wall.
Did you know Mr. Kool-Aid improved
to that style of entry on the day?
Some talent you cannot teach.
Well, stealing classic commercial
bits are only the beginning
because now that the crew's back
together, we got mad plans, yo!
I knew you'd come back
for a giant caper.
So what are we going to do?
Okay, Ivy came up with the
most badass, most genius,
crazy, sexy, cool plan ever!
Well, I... I
wouldn't go that far.
It is so awesome and fucked-up,
it would make Lex
Luthor shit his pants!
That man does not shit
his pants for anything.
Dear heavens, Harley,
tell us what the plan is.
It's Ivy's plan.
You gotta ask her.
I know you guys are used
to me being in charge,
but this is all Ivy,
her time to shine.
Hit it, Ivy.
Oh, yes.
I will hit it
'cause I'm the boss
lady, if you will.
The big honcho, the top
pepperoni.
You
know what, guys?
We just walked in. I
haven't even unpacked.
I smell like a bus. Can we just
talk about the plan in a little bit?
You are gonna cream when
you hear this plan. Huh.
And once again, our
house is a home.
Huh. Feels smaller.
Uh... Why does this
suit have boobs?
If you want to keep that one,
I have a spare in my locker.
This is my alcove,
and you're not Batman.
He wishes, right?
He doesn't wish. I'm Batgirl.
And you're Dick Grayson. Last of the
Flying Graysons, ward of Bruce Wayne,
the original Robin, Teen Titan,
and now the protector of Bludhaven.
Nightwing!
Nightwing. Got it.
You were gone for a while.
We had to make some
expansions stick.
Well, I see you've installed some new
darkened corners, and it's Nightwing.
We're equals. Not
Batman and Robin.
Got that right.
Ah, I thought you were four.
It's been eight years. That's
how time works, dickwad.
What's with your voice?
What are you talking about?
It's a bit overly serious.
I think it's an appropriate
amount of serious.
Firefly's attacking the
Gotham corn factory,
but he's going to see his plan go
up in flames. To the Batmobile!
Shotgun.
Don't worry. You can
ride with The Macaroni.
Who's The Macaroni?
Your chariot awaits.
Fuck The Macaroni.
Good evening. Welcome.
Bienvenue.
Is this an MLM? 'Cause I'm in.
- The dictionary defines terraforming as...
- Ooh, ooh, me!
- Yes?
- You're doing great.
Thank you. So thousands of years
ago, Gotham looked like this.
Before it became
trash like this.
We're going to reanimate the dead
plant matter underneath the city
and supercharge it to
terraform Gotham into this.
- Well, I'm sold.
- Harls, just hang on a second, I haven't said the actual plan.
I thought she was finished too.
Now, to terraform this city, I
need to create the Eden Serum.
But to do that, I need a compound
found only in prehistoric mosquitoes
that have been trapped in sap.
-Like in Jurassic Park!
-Uh... Yeah. I mean, I don't... Sure.
- She's never even seen Jurassic Park!
- Guys...
What? You are missing out
on 60% of my personality.
Why do you think I kept making
Jeff Goldblum references?
The good news is that
our friends over at the Natural
History Museum have such a mosquito.
Then let us heist!
I call the role of... Eleanor St. Cloud.
She's a widowed archaeologist
fresh off her latest find, love.
Actually, if you go ahead
and pick up your binders,
I've already assigned each
of you a fantastic role.
"Lookout number two"?
The roles have been carefully
chosen based on ability.
And this heist has been planned,
dare I say, to perfection.
- What about hidden security cams?
- It's in the binder.
- What about lasers?
- Also in the binder.
What if one of the day guards
picks up an extra shift
so he can finally propose
to his high school squeeze?
He quit smoking ages ago, but carries
around a cigarette for the smell.
- Nervous about the proposal...
he goes out for a whiff of the
old confidence stick and spots us.
That's not in the binder because
it's not going to happen.
Guys, I've thought
of everything, okay?
I mean, look how
sick this binder is.
That is leadership.
I know I wasn't invited on this
adventure, but I do have n-zotes.
Not listening to you.
Okay, so that's the plan.
Great plan.
Sorry if this clap
sounds sarcastic.
I sprained my hand
playing table tennis.
What the hell are
you doing here, Bane?
I am here for revenge!
I gave Amy and Kite Man a very
expensive pasta maker for their wedding,
but they didn't get married!
It's gauche
to keep the gift.
Yeah, and it's double gauche to
ask for it back, you dickstick.
And we don't even
know where it is.
I asked nicely, but next time I
return, there will be no good manners.
All right, boss, time
to steal a mosquito.
Okay, on three.
One, two, three!
Shit! Sorry I didn't tell you what
to say on three. I just counted.
Should we go again?
No, let's just go.
All clear.
You know why I picked
up this extra shift?
Because I need a
little extra money.
I'm proposing to my
high school sweetheart,
and I don't know why this
is so nerve-wracking.
We're basically married.
I quit smoking a long time ago.
I just carry it
around for the smell.
What, King Shark and his gang?
Ah, shit on a pony, there
shouldn't be guards here...
Come on,
let's go, let's go.
- Ive, what do we do?
- Run!
Did
she just ditch us?
Okay. Ivy is not
leading our next thing.
Okay, look, I'm sure this
is just part of the plan.
She's got it under
control. Okay?
Was this in the binder?
Oh, good! You got
the magic bug.
- What now, Ive?
- Should we escape through the basement?
Or bust open the front door?
Ivy! Ivy! Ivy!
Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy!
Ah!
How is an Ivy plan even more of
a disaster than a Harley plan?
It's a surprise to me too.
Okay. Successful heist, right?
- All right.
Yeah. It looks like
it went great, boss.
Look, there's dead plant matter
under this piece of concrete,
and when I apply the Eden Serum, it
will reanimate the plant and enhance it.
Watch and learn.
Ah, yes!
Oh-ho, success!
Oh, my gosh, this is...
- Oh, no!
Aah!
Oh!
Oh, that's terrifying!
Oh, my God.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
I'm not going to repeat what that
plant said, but he fucking hates you.
Knock, knock. I'mma coming
in, so I'm gonna...
Hey, Ive, I can't find the
opening to your flower.
Which is a first.
- Hey!
- I screwed it up.
I screwed up the
Eden Serum formula.
What makes you think that?
There are too many
cooks in the kitchen.
It will be way better if I can
just work on this plan alone.
Yeah, no problem. I will tell King Shark
and Clayface it is just gonna be us.
I will let them down easy.
I mean alone, Harley.
Like, just me.
Okay,
what's the plan?
Batgirl, take out the goons.
Robin, get the
sprinklers back online.
Nightwing...
Wait. Where's Nightwing?
Evening, gentlemen.
Didn't your mom ever tell
you not to play with matches?
Well, maybe he
doesn't have a mom
or wasn't raised in a
traditional household.
You're making a lot
of assumptions here.
It's the Bat Family. Get them.
Change of plans, I guess.
The plan was to be discreet.
I don't do discreet.
Hey!
Firefly, twelve o'clock.
I'm on it.
- Whoa...
We need to do something
about the team.
Yeah, I have notes for everyone.
- - We're still
getting pizza after this, right?
Give me that.
Ugh, ugh!
I cannot believe that
she doesn't want me.
I mean us, us!
If I've learned
anything from my one day
on the set of the
Thomas Wayne biopic,
everyone can be a star in
their own role. Give her time.
I'm sure Ivy will inhabit
the character of leader.
Good luck with that.
I've known Ivy for 20 years and she didn't
even let me be a part of the plant plan,
and I'm a goddamn
plant. That's my thing.
I wish there was some way
to teach her how important teamwork is.
Are you looking for
a fun team-building activity?
That's
exactly what I need.
Something to foster camaraderie.
Perhaps you need to
foster group camaraderie.
It's at the top of my foster
list above the kittens.
I have an idea.
Is it the commercial
we all just heard?
No, I am not a dumb sponge soaking up,
spitting out whatever I hear on TV. Okay?
Uh, usually when a bomb
beeps, it's a bad thing.
Because they're
about to explo...
Eh.
- Your card's been declined.
Impossible. I use autopay.
I also went paperless
to save the trees.
Declined. There's a
hold for identity theft.
You'll have to
talk to your bank.
This is outrageous!
I need to blow up
a mall tonight.
Could you hold it for me?
If I do that for you, I
gotta do it for everybody.
You're giving my explosives
to freaking Calendar Man?
What's he going to blow
up? Valentine's Day?
I hate this place.
I will take the full fury
of my business elsewhere.
The ransom video said they're
holding Harley in here.
Well, are you sure?
What the hell is
this place? Huh?
A great way to take your mind off things
and let those creative juices flow.
So, being kidnapped...
Was, on second thought, an
over-the-top lie to get you here,
- which, by the way, took a lot of work.
- And where is here?
An escape room! Oh, no!
Did we stumble upon the abandoned
home of Professor Phineas T. Puzzler?
Eccentric inventor
and noted recluse.
The only way out of
this mysterious mansion
is to solve a series of clues,
each more fiendish than the next.
You know, there's no way
I'm going to do that.
Oh, it's just one hour, and I already forged
your signature on the release, so, ha.
Oh, great. Noobs.
It was half price if we didn't
ask for a private group.
I'm Nelvin Eckles, escape
room extraordinaire.
You don't follow me on social?
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm not spending an
hour with this guy.
Wait. Is this thing real?
- Ahoy.
- Riddler?
It's me, Professor Puzzler,
who's trapped in an escape
room with minutes to spare.
A wrong answer would lead
you to your mortal despair.
Fail to solve the puzzle,
you'll be squashed like a bug.
Win and you'll get a group photo
and personalized mug,
limited to 11 characters.
Huh! The ad did
not mention this.
Guys, it's gonna be okay.
We'll figure this out.
- Okay, we won't but Ivy will.
- Ah, shit maggots.
I should be working on the
Eden Serum right now. Ugh!
And you're gonna totally figure that out,
right after you help us out of this jam
because there is no one...
Damn it, Harley! Please stop telling me
how smart and what a great leader I am.
I don't want the responsibility.
I don't. Not a good leader!
You've got to stop hitting
things when you're mad.
It's ironic, I know, but...
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Huh?
- Okay, ID?
- I'm Bane.
You know... Bane! Bane.
Okay, so we put a
hold on your account
due to suspicious activity, and
we can go through the charges.
So there's, like, $20 at Big
Belly Burger at 8:00 a.m.
Yeah, I like that breakfast
sandwich as much as the next guy.
Another $30 at Big Belly
Burger at 9:00 a.m.
Well, perhaps it's
more than the next guy.
Twenty-five cases
of hard seltzer.
One hundred cals
and cheaper in bulk.
There's nothing suspicious
about these activities.
The wedding dress worn
by Sarah Jessica Parker
in the Sex and the City movie,
that was such a cash grab,
and you paid $50,000
for it. I'm sorry, what?
You can't put a price on a
bespoke Vivienne Westwood.
It's a work of art!
I know I'm just, like, a
simple bank teller or whatever,
but looking at your purchase history,
I'm just like, are you depressed?
No...
I couldn't help but wonder.
Was the teller
telling the truth?
Was I depressed?
Perhaps my identity
had been stolen,
by myself.
- Mmm.
- So we're gonna die, aren't we?
- Oh, yeah.
And it might be
incredibly painful.
If you'd like, I can
just eat you right now.
Just save you the trouble.
Piss cakes of a dick...
Let the game begin,
my sad little pawns.
Your opponent awaits, a
chess master of brawls.
Time's wasted in danger,
will never abate.
So make haste and escape,
with a nimble checkmate.
Gonna need you to
step aside, ma'am.
Card-carrying Mensa member.
JK, Mensa doesn't gift cards.
My incredible brain is my card.
I know this is terrifying,
but I am so impressed
- with the production value.
- Right?
So what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I heard the commercial and
thought, "That's what we need..."
- Group camaraderie!
- Yes!
Yes, that's why I
brought us here.
We are so fricking smart.
I can't believe we got tricked
into coming here by Riddler.
It was a catchy commercial.
It was so catchy.
Ha! Checkmate, bitches.
Whoo!
You're welcome.
Hey, Searching for Bobby
Fuckstick, you just killed us.
You're right.
I'm so stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
And on IMDB, I'm actually listed
as Clayface, Roman numeral four.
But I hope I'll reclaim numeral
one when they update my credits
to include my role in the
new Thomas Wayne movie.
What Thomas Wayne movie?
Great, great, great, great! I'm
going to die with the eighth Robin.
I'm the first!
I thought I could cape crusade on my own,
but I let Tarantula kill Blockbuster.
It was big news in
Bludhaven.
If the Bat Family knew about it,
they'd know what
a failure I was.
If it was big news, don't you
think they'd already know about it?
I'm going to kill myself.
You do not have to do that. We're going
to die in, like, three and a half minutes.
Not fast enough!
Hey, I want to get out of
here, and I'm trying to form
a complete fucking thought before
acting on it. Unlike you...
Yeah, well, the spikes ain't gonna wait
for you to come up with something perfect.
You might as well
come up here with me.
I should have never left
Gotham in the first place.
I got restless and
Batman pushed me.
Oh, my God, shut up!
He said, "Failure isn't fatal,
but failure to change might be."
Later, I found out he was
just quoting John Wooden,
which is so basic!
Oh, maybe that's it. Maybe
we have to fail to succeed.
Riddler's shit about checkmate.
He didn't say it was us
doing the checking, mate.
Ugh, yeah, I'm going
to kill myself too.
Try jamming the gears. Stall.
Okay, Mensa boy, what's the
quickest way to lose a chess match?
That's easy. It's
called a fool's mate.
- It dates back to...
- Ugh, just tell me what to move!
Okay, okay. Move
your F pawn up one.
Okay, now move
your G pawn up two.
- I did it.
- Oh, my God!
- We are not going to die.
- Haven't they exploited that poor, rich Wayne family enough?
Every few years, there's another
film depicting the Waynes' murder.
We get it. Crime alley.
The pearls, those pearls,
their beautiful child
watches them fall, as
life is extinguished
from his mother's eyes,
so too is his innocence.
It's one thing for Bruce Wayne
to talk about his trauma,
but for others to do it
over and over again...
Yes, yes, go on. I
can use all of this.
- Oh, look, we did it.
- Teamwork!
- Ive!
- Harles.
Did my stupid, smart
escape room idea work?
I mean, we still might die, but
sure. I don't know how you did it,
setting me up to tackle
my exact issue back there.
I mean, embracing
failure to win.
How did you find this place?
I have no idea what
you're talking about,
but no one expects
you to be perfect.
We will always have your back,
- even if you screw up.
- This is very touching,
and it will make an
excellent Hallmark movie...
But we're going to
die in three minutes!
No, we're not because I'm going
to do everything I can to save us.
And who cares if
it's not perfect?
- I am...
- I just finished it.
- Thank God.
- Oh, great.
Yeah, congrats. You
got it. Fuck you!
Please exit to the right
and leave the upper view
to collect your photo and
mug. Eleven characters!
You've got this, Ive.
We are all here for you.
You gave this to that
knobby-kneed dandelion.
- This is too strong.
- Okay, just hand me that.
If I fail, I fail.
And we'll try again
tomorrow, right?
Yes!
You did it! Oh, you're such a
smokeshow when you're planning.
Oh, something's wrong.
Something's very wrong.
Whoa!
Not in
a hot and sexy way.
Run, run!
Shit... It went down my throat!
At last! I shall have my
revenge for the pasta maker.
Oh, oh, wow.
I... I feel nothing.
I couldn't help but wonder.
Did I need a
therapist after all?
Is anyone hurt? Suffering from
current traumatic stress disorder?
Oh, no. Frank
didn't make it out.
Frank, are you...
Are you okay?
I am...
a God!
Do you have any fours?
Okay, let's try again.
Hi, I'm Nightwing.
I know. Last of the Flying Graysons,
ward of Bruce Wayne, the original Robin.
No, no.
Nightwing, member
of the Bat Family.
You forgot "giant
dickhead," dickhead!
- It's Firefly.
He's attacking an orphanage.
Quick, Bat Family,
to the Batmobile!
- Shotgun.
- You can ride with me.
Thanks.
Maybe next time...
Demons are rising up.
Criminals breathe
in the shadows.
Blood paints the
streets like graffiti.
My home needs Nightwing.
Uh, anyone want to switch seats?
Finally! Hey, next time
we steal an invisible jet,
let's just, like, fly
home before it explodes.
Hello, Alfred.
Looks like the prodigal son
has returned...
What up, Gotham City? You
ready to lick off my toes?
Harley and Ivy are back!
That's how you wax
poetic, you fucking dork.
- My word!
- Hmm.
- I'll grab a cab.
Mmm. Hoda Kotb, your
pantry is beyond organized.
An oatmeal shelf. I am gagged!
My Meyer lemon tree is
finally producing fruit.
You know, they're not
like regular lemons.
It's that hint of sweetness
that makes all the diff...
Hello, clayfaces and shark men!
And me!
I got your cheap Hudson
News-ass postcard from Paris.
I know you got this
shit at the airport.
Oui, oui, motherfucker!
Oh, you're back! And creating all
kinds of fun new holes in the wall.
Did you know Mr. Kool-Aid improved
to that style of entry on the day?
Some talent you cannot teach.
Well, stealing classic commercial
bits are only the beginning
because now that the crew's back
together, we got mad plans, yo!
I knew you'd come back
for a giant caper.
So what are we going to do?
Okay, Ivy came up with the
most badass, most genius,
crazy, sexy, cool plan ever!
Well, I... I
wouldn't go that far.
It is so awesome and fucked-up,
it would make Lex
Luthor shit his pants!
That man does not shit
his pants for anything.
Dear heavens, Harley,
tell us what the plan is.
It's Ivy's plan.
You gotta ask her.
I know you guys are used
to me being in charge,
but this is all Ivy,
her time to shine.
Hit it, Ivy.
Oh, yes.
I will hit it
'cause I'm the boss
lady, if you will.
The big honcho, the top
pepperoni.
You
know what, guys?
We just walked in. I
haven't even unpacked.
I smell like a bus. Can we just
talk about the plan in a little bit?
You are gonna cream when
you hear this plan. Huh.
And once again, our
house is a home.
Huh. Feels smaller.
Uh... Why does this
suit have boobs?
If you want to keep that one,
I have a spare in my locker.
This is my alcove,
and you're not Batman.
He wishes, right?
He doesn't wish. I'm Batgirl.
And you're Dick Grayson. Last of the
Flying Graysons, ward of Bruce Wayne,
the original Robin, Teen Titan,
and now the protector of Bludhaven.
Nightwing!
Nightwing. Got it.
You were gone for a while.
We had to make some
expansions stick.
Well, I see you've installed some new
darkened corners, and it's Nightwing.
We're equals. Not
Batman and Robin.
Got that right.
Ah, I thought you were four.
It's been eight years. That's
how time works, dickwad.
What's with your voice?
What are you talking about?
It's a bit overly serious.
I think it's an appropriate
amount of serious.
Firefly's attacking the
Gotham corn factory,
but he's going to see his plan go
up in flames. To the Batmobile!
Shotgun.
Don't worry. You can
ride with The Macaroni.
Who's The Macaroni?
Your chariot awaits.
Fuck The Macaroni.
Good evening. Welcome.
Bienvenue.
Is this an MLM? 'Cause I'm in.
- The dictionary defines terraforming as...
- Ooh, ooh, me!
- Yes?
- You're doing great.
Thank you. So thousands of years
ago, Gotham looked like this.
Before it became
trash like this.
We're going to reanimate the dead
plant matter underneath the city
and supercharge it to
terraform Gotham into this.
- Well, I'm sold.
- Harls, just hang on a second, I haven't said the actual plan.
I thought she was finished too.
Now, to terraform this city, I
need to create the Eden Serum.
But to do that, I need a compound
found only in prehistoric mosquitoes
that have been trapped in sap.
-Like in Jurassic Park!
-Uh... Yeah. I mean, I don't... Sure.
- She's never even seen Jurassic Park!
- Guys...
What? You are missing out
on 60% of my personality.
Why do you think I kept making
Jeff Goldblum references?
The good news is that
our friends over at the Natural
History Museum have such a mosquito.
Then let us heist!
I call the role of... Eleanor St. Cloud.
She's a widowed archaeologist
fresh off her latest find, love.
Actually, if you go ahead
and pick up your binders,
I've already assigned each
of you a fantastic role.
"Lookout number two"?
The roles have been carefully
chosen based on ability.
And this heist has been planned,
dare I say, to perfection.
- What about hidden security cams?
- It's in the binder.
- What about lasers?
- Also in the binder.
What if one of the day guards
picks up an extra shift
so he can finally propose
to his high school squeeze?
He quit smoking ages ago, but carries
around a cigarette for the smell.
- Nervous about the proposal...
he goes out for a whiff of the
old confidence stick and spots us.
That's not in the binder because
it's not going to happen.
Guys, I've thought
of everything, okay?
I mean, look how
sick this binder is.
That is leadership.
I know I wasn't invited on this
adventure, but I do have n-zotes.
Not listening to you.
Okay, so that's the plan.
Great plan.
Sorry if this clap
sounds sarcastic.
I sprained my hand
playing table tennis.
What the hell are
you doing here, Bane?
I am here for revenge!
I gave Amy and Kite Man a very
expensive pasta maker for their wedding,
but they didn't get married!
It's gauche
to keep the gift.
Yeah, and it's double gauche to
ask for it back, you dickstick.
And we don't even
know where it is.
I asked nicely, but next time I
return, there will be no good manners.
All right, boss, time
to steal a mosquito.
Okay, on three.
One, two, three!
Shit! Sorry I didn't tell you what
to say on three. I just counted.
Should we go again?
No, let's just go.
All clear.
You know why I picked
up this extra shift?
Because I need a
little extra money.
I'm proposing to my
high school sweetheart,
and I don't know why this
is so nerve-wracking.
We're basically married.
I quit smoking a long time ago.
I just carry it
around for the smell.
What, King Shark and his gang?
Ah, shit on a pony, there
shouldn't be guards here...
Come on,
let's go, let's go.
- Ive, what do we do?
- Run!
Did
she just ditch us?
Okay. Ivy is not
leading our next thing.
Okay, look, I'm sure this
is just part of the plan.
She's got it under
control. Okay?
Was this in the binder?
Oh, good! You got
the magic bug.
- What now, Ive?
- Should we escape through the basement?
Or bust open the front door?
Ivy! Ivy! Ivy!
Ivy! Ivy! Ivy! Ivy!
Ah!
How is an Ivy plan even more of
a disaster than a Harley plan?
It's a surprise to me too.
Okay. Successful heist, right?
- All right.
Yeah. It looks like
it went great, boss.
Look, there's dead plant matter
under this piece of concrete,
and when I apply the Eden Serum, it
will reanimate the plant and enhance it.
Watch and learn.
Ah, yes!
Oh-ho, success!
Oh, my gosh, this is...
- Oh, no!
Aah!
Oh!
Oh, that's terrifying!
Oh, my God.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
I'm not going to repeat what that
plant said, but he fucking hates you.
Knock, knock. I'mma coming
in, so I'm gonna...
Hey, Ive, I can't find the
opening to your flower.
Which is a first.
- Hey!
- I screwed it up.
I screwed up the
Eden Serum formula.
What makes you think that?
There are too many
cooks in the kitchen.
It will be way better if I can
just work on this plan alone.
Yeah, no problem. I will tell King Shark
and Clayface it is just gonna be us.
I will let them down easy.
I mean alone, Harley.
Like, just me.
Okay,
what's the plan?
Batgirl, take out the goons.
Robin, get the
sprinklers back online.
Nightwing...
Wait. Where's Nightwing?
Evening, gentlemen.
Didn't your mom ever tell
you not to play with matches?
Well, maybe he
doesn't have a mom
or wasn't raised in a
traditional household.
You're making a lot
of assumptions here.
It's the Bat Family. Get them.
Change of plans, I guess.
The plan was to be discreet.
I don't do discreet.
Hey!
Firefly, twelve o'clock.
I'm on it.
- Whoa...
We need to do something
about the team.
Yeah, I have notes for everyone.
- - We're still
getting pizza after this, right?
Give me that.
Ugh, ugh!
I cannot believe that
she doesn't want me.
I mean us, us!
If I've learned
anything from my one day
on the set of the
Thomas Wayne biopic,
everyone can be a star in
their own role. Give her time.
I'm sure Ivy will inhabit
the character of leader.
Good luck with that.
I've known Ivy for 20 years and she didn't
even let me be a part of the plant plan,
and I'm a goddamn
plant. That's my thing.
I wish there was some way
to teach her how important teamwork is.
Are you looking for
a fun team-building activity?
That's
exactly what I need.
Something to foster camaraderie.
Perhaps you need to
foster group camaraderie.
It's at the top of my foster
list above the kittens.
I have an idea.
Is it the commercial
we all just heard?
No, I am not a dumb sponge soaking up,
spitting out whatever I hear on TV. Okay?
Uh, usually when a bomb
beeps, it's a bad thing.
Because they're
about to explo...
Eh.
- Your card's been declined.
Impossible. I use autopay.
I also went paperless
to save the trees.
Declined. There's a
hold for identity theft.
You'll have to
talk to your bank.
This is outrageous!
I need to blow up
a mall tonight.
Could you hold it for me?
If I do that for you, I
gotta do it for everybody.
You're giving my explosives
to freaking Calendar Man?
What's he going to blow
up? Valentine's Day?
I hate this place.
I will take the full fury
of my business elsewhere.
The ransom video said they're
holding Harley in here.
Well, are you sure?
What the hell is
this place? Huh?
A great way to take your mind off things
and let those creative juices flow.
So, being kidnapped...
Was, on second thought, an
over-the-top lie to get you here,
- which, by the way, took a lot of work.
- And where is here?
An escape room! Oh, no!
Did we stumble upon the abandoned
home of Professor Phineas T. Puzzler?
Eccentric inventor
and noted recluse.
The only way out of
this mysterious mansion
is to solve a series of clues,
each more fiendish than the next.
You know, there's no way
I'm going to do that.
Oh, it's just one hour, and I already forged
your signature on the release, so, ha.
Oh, great. Noobs.
It was half price if we didn't
ask for a private group.
I'm Nelvin Eckles, escape
room extraordinaire.
You don't follow me on social?
Yeah, I'm done.
I'm not spending an
hour with this guy.
Wait. Is this thing real?
- Ahoy.
- Riddler?
It's me, Professor Puzzler,
who's trapped in an escape
room with minutes to spare.
A wrong answer would lead
you to your mortal despair.
Fail to solve the puzzle,
you'll be squashed like a bug.
Win and you'll get a group photo
and personalized mug,
limited to 11 characters.
Huh! The ad did
not mention this.
Guys, it's gonna be okay.
We'll figure this out.
- Okay, we won't but Ivy will.
- Ah, shit maggots.
I should be working on the
Eden Serum right now. Ugh!
And you're gonna totally figure that out,
right after you help us out of this jam
because there is no one...
Damn it, Harley! Please stop telling me
how smart and what a great leader I am.
I don't want the responsibility.
I don't. Not a good leader!
You've got to stop hitting
things when you're mad.
It's ironic, I know, but...
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Huh?
- Okay, ID?
- I'm Bane.
You know... Bane! Bane.
Okay, so we put a
hold on your account
due to suspicious activity, and
we can go through the charges.
So there's, like, $20 at Big
Belly Burger at 8:00 a.m.
Yeah, I like that breakfast
sandwich as much as the next guy.
Another $30 at Big Belly
Burger at 9:00 a.m.
Well, perhaps it's
more than the next guy.
Twenty-five cases
of hard seltzer.
One hundred cals
and cheaper in bulk.
There's nothing suspicious
about these activities.
The wedding dress worn
by Sarah Jessica Parker
in the Sex and the City movie,
that was such a cash grab,
and you paid $50,000
for it. I'm sorry, what?
You can't put a price on a
bespoke Vivienne Westwood.
It's a work of art!
I know I'm just, like, a
simple bank teller or whatever,
but looking at your purchase history,
I'm just like, are you depressed?
No...
I couldn't help but wonder.
Was the teller
telling the truth?
Was I depressed?
Perhaps my identity
had been stolen,
by myself.
- Mmm.
- So we're gonna die, aren't we?
- Oh, yeah.
And it might be
incredibly painful.
If you'd like, I can
just eat you right now.
Just save you the trouble.
Piss cakes of a dick...
Let the game begin,
my sad little pawns.
Your opponent awaits, a
chess master of brawls.
Time's wasted in danger,
will never abate.
So make haste and escape,
with a nimble checkmate.
Gonna need you to
step aside, ma'am.
Card-carrying Mensa member.
JK, Mensa doesn't gift cards.
My incredible brain is my card.
I know this is terrifying,
but I am so impressed
- with the production value.
- Right?
So what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I heard the commercial and
thought, "That's what we need..."
- Group camaraderie!
- Yes!
Yes, that's why I
brought us here.
We are so fricking smart.
I can't believe we got tricked
into coming here by Riddler.
It was a catchy commercial.
It was so catchy.
Ha! Checkmate, bitches.
Whoo!
You're welcome.
Hey, Searching for Bobby
Fuckstick, you just killed us.
You're right.
I'm so stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
And on IMDB, I'm actually listed
as Clayface, Roman numeral four.
But I hope I'll reclaim numeral
one when they update my credits
to include my role in the
new Thomas Wayne movie.
What Thomas Wayne movie?
Great, great, great, great! I'm
going to die with the eighth Robin.
I'm the first!
I thought I could cape crusade on my own,
but I let Tarantula kill Blockbuster.
It was big news in
Bludhaven.
If the Bat Family knew about it,
they'd know what
a failure I was.
If it was big news, don't you
think they'd already know about it?
I'm going to kill myself.
You do not have to do that. We're going
to die in, like, three and a half minutes.
Not fast enough!
Hey, I want to get out of
here, and I'm trying to form
a complete fucking thought before
acting on it. Unlike you...
Yeah, well, the spikes ain't gonna wait
for you to come up with something perfect.
You might as well
come up here with me.
I should have never left
Gotham in the first place.
I got restless and
Batman pushed me.
Oh, my God, shut up!
He said, "Failure isn't fatal,
but failure to change might be."
Later, I found out he was
just quoting John Wooden,
which is so basic!
Oh, maybe that's it. Maybe
we have to fail to succeed.
Riddler's shit about checkmate.
He didn't say it was us
doing the checking, mate.
Ugh, yeah, I'm going
to kill myself too.
Try jamming the gears. Stall.
Okay, Mensa boy, what's the
quickest way to lose a chess match?
That's easy. It's
called a fool's mate.
- It dates back to...
- Ugh, just tell me what to move!
Okay, okay. Move
your F pawn up one.
Okay, now move
your G pawn up two.
- I did it.
- Oh, my God!
- We are not going to die.
- Haven't they exploited that poor, rich Wayne family enough?
Every few years, there's another
film depicting the Waynes' murder.
We get it. Crime alley.
The pearls, those pearls,
their beautiful child
watches them fall, as
life is extinguished
from his mother's eyes,
so too is his innocence.
It's one thing for Bruce Wayne
to talk about his trauma,
but for others to do it
over and over again...
Yes, yes, go on. I
can use all of this.
- Oh, look, we did it.
- Teamwork!
- Ive!
- Harles.
Did my stupid, smart
escape room idea work?
I mean, we still might die, but
sure. I don't know how you did it,
setting me up to tackle
my exact issue back there.
I mean, embracing
failure to win.
How did you find this place?
I have no idea what
you're talking about,
but no one expects
you to be perfect.
We will always have your back,
- even if you screw up.
- This is very touching,
and it will make an
excellent Hallmark movie...
But we're going to
die in three minutes!
No, we're not because I'm going
to do everything I can to save us.
And who cares if
it's not perfect?
- I am...
- I just finished it.
- Thank God.
- Oh, great.
Yeah, congrats. You
got it. Fuck you!
Please exit to the right
and leave the upper view
to collect your photo and
mug. Eleven characters!
You've got this, Ive.
We are all here for you.
You gave this to that
knobby-kneed dandelion.
- This is too strong.
- Okay, just hand me that.
If I fail, I fail.
And we'll try again
tomorrow, right?
Yes!
You did it! Oh, you're such a
smokeshow when you're planning.
Oh, something's wrong.
Something's very wrong.
Whoa!
Not in
a hot and sexy way.
Run, run!
Shit... It went down my throat!
At last! I shall have my
revenge for the pasta maker.
Oh, oh, wow.
I... I feel nothing.
I couldn't help but wonder.
Did I need a
therapist after all?
Is anyone hurt? Suffering from
current traumatic stress disorder?
Oh, no. Frank
didn't make it out.
Frank, are you...
Are you okay?
I am...
a God!
Do you have any fours?
Okay, let's try again.
Hi, I'm Nightwing.
I know. Last of the Flying Graysons,
ward of Bruce Wayne, the original Robin.
No, no.
Nightwing, member
of the Bat Family.
You forgot "giant
dickhead," dickhead!
- It's Firefly.
He's attacking an orphanage.
Quick, Bat Family,
to the Batmobile!
- Shotgun.
- You can ride with me.
Thanks.
Maybe next time...