Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Runaway Bridesmaid - full transcript

Tawny Young reporting
live from Gotham City Hall

as the mayor,
in a rare public appearance,

has come out
to honor the heroes

who fought so bravely
in the Battle of Gotham.

I present you each
with a key to the city.

There you go, Superman
and, of course, Wonder Woman

and Batman.

Check out that grip.

There you go, space cabbie.

Couldn't have
done it without you.

Who the fuck are these guys?



Commissioner Gordon,
what do you think

of this beautiful ceremony?

I'm just so honored to be
getting a key to the city

seeing as I was
here the whole time

protecting lives.

The Mayor's probably
saving the best for last

like I did with
the Mission Impossible movies.

I watched one first

- but then I went to four...
- Mmm-hmm. Let's listen.

There's one last person
I need to thank today.

If it weren't for him,
our city would still be riddled

with supervillains.

This mustachioed
servant of the people

may not have powers



but, man, he sure is super.

That's right, citizens.

I hereby honor myself.

What? What about me?

We helped this city together.

Not him.

Seriously,
I think I've seen this guy

like one other time,
like, ever.

*HARLEY QUINN*
Season 02 Episode 13

Title: "The Runaway Bridesmaid"
Aired on: June 26, 2020

Dr. Psycho, check.

Riddler, check.
Welcome back, by the way.

Harley Quinn!

Don't tell me...

You're not supposed to be here.

Is anyone supposed
to be anywhere?

Oh, you wanna talk about it?

Maybe over a fruit cup.

Nah...

I wanna be alone
with my thoughts.

Don't worry about me.
I'll break out when I'm done.

I'm just going through
a personal crisis.

Actually, I'll take
that fruit cup though.

Well, fruit cup
in exchange for conversation.

Sort of linchpin
of this whole social contract.

So... I'm gonna go.

Look, thank you for giving
me a chance to talk to you.

Why did you do it?

I don't know.
I fucked up.

I wish I had a better answer.

I love you.

That Harley stuff
was a stupid fling

and a mistake.

And I promise
it will never happen again.

If you don't want to marry me,

just say it
so I can go to a bar,

and get loaded and get
into an argument with somebody

about what the most
metal album of all time is.

And then start crying

for no reason
and puke on myself

Oh, Kite Man, I do.
I do want to marry you.

And if you, you know,

were a metal album,

you'd be
Appetite for Destruction.

- You know...
- What? What...

GNR is not even metal.

What are we even talking about?

- Is this...
- Chuck, I hate that I hurt you.

You know, you
deserve everything.

And I know
this doesn't fix anything.

But could you pull over here?

Ta-da! It's the old
Gotham corn factory.

What is this? Is this
just a tour of my failures?

It's your dream wedding venue.

If you still, you know,

wanna get
married to this old gal.

What about Condiment King?

Didn't that dick face already
call dibs on this monument

to rustic perfection?

So about that...

Come to ask for an invite
to our wedding, Ivy?

Change of plans, sauce fucker.

It's Condiment King!

So, you know, he just, sort of,

decided to just give it to me

and he is still
obviously very much alive.

But he's, sort of,
like out of town indefinitely,

and no one knows
if he'll ever come back,

but, you know, probably not.

Ivy, Kite Man, we're so happy

to have you
at the old corn factory.

We know your
wedding will be perfect.

Wait. You risked your life

against one of the most
formidable villains

Gotham has ever seen

just to give me my dream venue?

I think that's maybe
like an overstatement

of Condiment King.
But essentially, yes.

That's what I did
because I love you.

So...
What do you say?

You wanna get married or what?

Wow. This is
a lot to think about.

You, probably,
can't tell right now,

but I am tots overwhelmed.

Look, just take your time.

You know, just know
that it's waiting for you

if you want it.

Why are you so calm, Gordo?

Aren't you excited to see
me going back to Arkham?

I'm a complex man
with many emotions.

That must be sifted through.

The Mayor didn't give
you the key to the city

- and now you're sad.
- I don't have a key, goddammit!

I mean, no,
that's not it at all.

That was a dumb guess.

Dummy!

Let me give you
a little piece of advice.

You don't wanna be the one

who gets the key to the city,

you wanna be
the one who gives it.

Yeah, Gordo.

You should run for mayor.

I got into public service
to shoot bad guys

while allowing
for the occasional accidental

shooting of an innocent,
because no one's perfect!

I don't even like politics.

Well, I love 'em.

Come on, let's overthrow
Mayor What's-his-name?

I can run your whole
campaign from behind bars

like a real campaign manager.

No!

But let's just say
for argument's sake

I want the job.

Being the police commissioner

of the most
dangerous city in America,

I got low favorables.

You also seem like
a hair-trigger reactionary

kind of guy
who runs his mouth off

when he's backed into a corner.

That's bullshit.

Say that to my fucking face!

Ah-ha! See, you're a cop,

but you're not a hero.

Unless, you do something heroic

that gets your
name in the papers.

Cuffing your occasional
costumed psycho isn't splashy.

But guess what?

A little bird told me
that Ivy and Kite Man

are getting
married on Saturday.

And I've got their guest list.

All these criminals
will be in attendance

- with their guard down.
- Wait a minute.

I just have an idea.

I bust that wedding
and I become a hero

as big as Batman.

Now you're
getting it, Mr. Mayor.

Hey, there, sweetheart.
Why so gloom?

What are you guys doing here?

Really?

So did you get
the paperless post reminder?

Ivy's wedding is on.

And the bride
still wants you to come.

I'm not going.

I'll just be a distraction

and like Ivy said,
I always fuck everything up.

It's your goddamn
best friend's wedding!

Yeah and for once,

I wanna make the
right choice. Restraint.

Everyone wants you there.

And you wouldn't want
to miss my performance

of an aria.

I'll be singing
at the reception.

Did we mention there's
going to be vanilla cake?

- I'm not going.
- I'll save you a seat.

So you're bailing
on your best friend's wedding?

Why is everyone so chatty?

This place used to be
great for silent brooding.

If you're really
worried about someone

dragging Ivy's wedding
to hell in a handbasket,

I got bad news.

- What is it?
- Help break me out

and I'll tell you.

- I ain't buying it.
- All right.

That's fine.

Screw over your
best friend twice, I guess.

Gordon's planning to arrest

all the villains at the
wedding. He told me himself.

The cojones on that guy.

How the fuck's he
going to pull that off?

Oh, he probably won't.

But he's gonna try.

And I mean, these weddings...

Oh!

...they're so
meticulously planned.

Anytime you throw
a wrench in it,

it's like a ripple of...

Well, if I can't fuck up
Ivy's wedding.

- No one can!
- Okay.

I hear bells ringing.

Listen up.
I didn't just bring you in here

to enjoy these vegan donuts.

Vegan?

We have a special
mission today.

Oh, come on, boss.
It's Saturday.

I've got
my half-sister's baby shower.

We're going to Poison Ivy
and Kite Man's wedding.

Ivy's going
through with it, huh?

You mean Kite Man's
going through with it?

After all that
woman's done to him.

Look, we don't know
the emotional underpinnings

of that relationship

but by God we will when
we arrest those two lovebirds

along with every major
supervillain in the city

who didn't have
prior weekend plans.

Sounds like Batman's problem.

Well, I am off to my
half-sister's baby shower.

Not so fast, Cheryl.

Aren't you tired of the supers
getting all the credit?

Here. Here's the guest list.

Take one. Pass 'em along.

These are the most powerful
supervillains in Gotham.

Exactly. It's pretty badass.

Pretty damn key worthy.

But, sir, these people have
a myriad of superpowers.

And what do we have?

A damn good plan.

Oh, Father,
I gotta sin I've gotta confess.

Ah, this isn't really
a good time, son.

Yeah, uh, I must confess.

All righty then,
what is it, my son?

I punched out a priest.

Look at you!
Looking all elegant and shit.

You come alone?

My name is...

Can I get an amen?

Amen, sir.

Oh! Oh, now this is majestic.

It is very 2014 Pinterest.

Kite Man is a basic bitch
through and through.

Oh, he's drinking
out of a mason jar.

I am so nervous.

Relax. Weddings
are a joyful occasion.

You know,
unless you're one of the bridesmaids.

The gifts are okay, I guess.

I'm not nervous
about the wedding.

I'm nervous about
performing at the reception.

This particular piece
is a musical minefield.

The tricky rhythms,
dramatic shifts in pitch.

One needs the lung
capacity of an Adam Lambert.

Aren't you cute?

Look, I'm sure Ivy
will love the song.

I don't care if she loves it.

I only care if he does.

Catwoman's date?

How dare you? That's
not just Catwoman's date.

That's cinema auteur,
Tim Burton.

If I deliver
a siren song for the ages,

it could be my big break.

So you weren't singing
this song out of love?

- I was, out of love for acting.
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my gosh! She's here.

Hey, hi, howdy, hello,

everybody continue talking
amongst yourselves.

Everything's cool.

Harley! I'm so glad
you decided to come.

- Love wins again.
- Yeah, yeah.

Long live Poison Kitey.

Well done.
That's one less thing

you'll regret your entire life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

So are there other
rooms here or what?

They have us corralled
in here for cocktail hour.

Right under this godforsaken AC

- which is doing nothing...
- Gordon.

...my vocal chords!

I'm gonna go find the bathroom.

There you are, Gordon.

- There you are.
- Ah! Don't touch me.

Let's get you

with the other
bridesmaids, okay?

It's almost showtime.

So how's everyone been?

What the crap, Harley?

I'm here. Ready to maid.

You weren't at the rehearsal.

How are you gonna
know how to walk?

Uh, right foot,
left foot. Repeat.

You bailed on Ivy.

What do you care?
Are you even a bridesmaid?

I still have all the
responsibilities of a bridesmaid.

Just not the fashion ones.

You think I'd be
caught dead in that rag.

Okay. Well,
then can I wear yours?

Which ten pounds
do you plan on leaving behind?

Ladies, I'm just
here to support Ivy.

That is the only
reason I'm here.

Please give me the chance
to make it up to her.

And you. Cobb squad forever.

Damn!

I thought she was just being
a beep. This really is too tight.

Hold still, goddamn it!

- BRB!
- Hey, I'm not done!

You said you'd
braid my hair! Fuck!

Where are you,
you rat bastard?

What did you just call me?

- Harley?
- Oh, hey, Mr. Groom.

I just wanted to say mazel tov

and I wish you
many happinesses.

I am having so many
emotions right now.

None of them
I would categorize as happy.

Hey, where's Frank?
He said if this happened,

he'd have a pocket full
of zannies for me.

There you are,
my runaway bridesmaid.

I'm supposed
to keep you two apart.

Yikes!

Hey, Jen, hair looks great.

No thanks to you.

Yass, queens. Okay, attitude.

Give me attitude.
Great. Love it.

Got you, Gordo!

Ah, fuck my ass.

No one ruins
my best friend's wedding

but me!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Mr. Covington,
Help, the venue rep.

He's bleeding.

Hey, where do
I stand for the...

- Tad!
- Ivy!

Wow. You look stunning.

Harley!

Hey, Tawny,
it's the Commish...

...ioner.

- Commissioner?
- Gordon.

Yes. Listen, I've got
the scoop of the year for you.

Bring your cameras down
to the old Gotham corn factory

because there's gonna be

something real
heroic going down.

You're ruining my wedding.

I'm trying to do
the opposite of that.

I keep finding people
that you've punched out

and then you made
the photographer faint.

- But...
- Look, I just need this day

to go smoothly for Kite Man.

I mean, he's a mess.

I mean, he didn't
even want you here.

I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have said that.

It's just... Look,
this is supposed to be

the happiest day
of my life, you know?

I mean, that is if you ascribe
to those patriarchal norms

about a woman's value fading
after she gets chosen by a man.

Which we don't, right?

Regardless,
it's supposed to be,

overall,
a really good vibes day

and it's barely
hanging on by a thread.

I mean, I feel like I'm just

sick of managing
everyone's feelings.

I have my own.

I'm nervous and I'm
scared about the future, too.

But... I don't get a time

to just like
reflect about that, you know,

before I walk down
the goddamn aisle forever.

No, because someone's
going around cold-cocking

- all my goddamn vendors. Shit.
- But...

- But Ivy...
- Harley!

Your friendship
means the world to me

but, maybe, I'm kidding myself

that I can have
my cake and eat it too.

You know, you
can't stop being you

and... That fucks
up what I have with Kite Man.

It just does.

Gordon is here
to bust half your guest list.

I'm trying
to save your wedding.

- Listen how crazy you sound.
- I'm not.

- Two-Face told me.
- Okay.

A literal two-faced
person told you that.

Harls, you may not even
know this but you're looking

for any reason to disrupt
my life with Kite Man.

And I just... I cannot have it.

So what are you saying?

I mean, I'm saying...

I'm saying I don't
want you to be here.

Harley, are you leaving?

Yeah, I got duped by Two-Face.

He told me Gordon was
gonna be here but he's not.

And I just look
stupid and desperate

in front of everyone as usual.

Nonsense! We're at a wedding.

The only person people
are paying attention to

is the bride...

And hopefully, me!

Maybe I don't
fit in Ivy's new life.

Ugh, I need water.

Plastic?

Ivy, from the first
moment I saw you,

I knew I could never do better.

And even though you rejected me

over and over again
and over again,

for good measure,

I was determined
to share a life with you.

You know, some
might call it stalking...

Ivy, I can't wait to spend

the rest of my life with you

in our modest,
ranch-style, suburban home.

Grilling meatless
proteins, of course,

and spending weekends shuttling
our four kids between soccer,

ballet, karate and capoeira,

which is this sick combination
of ballet and karate.

Spending Sunday dinners
at my parents' house,

as soon as they allow us back
into their lives, of course.

Um, and just a lot
of chilling on the couch,

binging some
premium streaming content

and looking at our phones.
No-judgment style.

Ivy, you are
the wind beneath my kite.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

Saving my best friend.

Well, that was...
a very specific picture

that you painted
of our future that I had not...

I had
not totally considered.

Oh, right, I'm up. Sorry.

Um, hello,
uh, let me just check

my notes...
Right.

Charles Kite Man Brown,

I...

I knew you were bullshit.

It's not what you think.
Just let me through.

Fuck you, homewrecker.

Time to put my Cardio Barre
membership to the test.

Fuck, Jennifer.

I am 36 goddammit!

This might be the last wedding
I get to be a bridesmaid in.

Why is a caterer
at the ceremony?

Okay, great.
You did your part. Do you both agree now?

- Hell yeah.
- I do.

I now pronounce you...

Under arrest!

Do it, men and Cheryl,

Too much glue.

Why?

The flowers.

I'll get us out,
I'll get us out.

This is... Shit! Plastic?

Why?

Gas masks!

Merv, Merv,
are you getting this?

'Cause I can't see anything.

Darling, I think
it's time to leave.

Don't leave, Mr. Burton!

We haven't rapped yet.

This is for you,
Timothy Burton!

No! Why! No...

Maid of honor coming through!

Ah! I fucking love science.

Tawny Young reporting live

from the scene
of Ivy and Kite Man's wedding

in which
Police Commissioner Gordon,

- heroically...
- Retreat!

Get outside! Quick!

Pissed off some
very powerful supervillains

and accomplished
absolutely nothing.

All right, Merv,
let's pack it up.

Gary, let's get out of here.

That guy is creeping me out.

Harley, I'm really glad

you didn't leave
when I told you to.

I thought maybe I could
do something right for once.

Oh! I just want you
guys to be happy.

Well, it's too late.

Once again,
everything is ruined.

It doesn't have to be.

Hey, I'm an ordained minister.

I got a license... Ah... online.

And I made it into a lanyard.

Pretty legit, huh?
So what do you think, huh?

- Can I marry you?
- Wow!

Harley with a backup plan.

Oh, good for you, Reverend.

Fuck you!

Listen, Kite Man,
I know we aren't in the corn factory

but we are on the property.

So technically, you can tell
Us Weekly or whatever

that you got married there.

We can Photoshop some
pics later. It'll be great.

Okay. Let's do this.

- Hell no.
- What?

I should have known
the third time I proposed.

Every step in our relationship

I've had to do over
and over and over.

And I'm not.

After all of this,
I'm not redoing my wedding.

Don't you...
Don't you wanna marry me?

Of course, I do. But you don't.

I saw your face during the vows

and I knew
your heart wasn't in it.

I may be simple
but I'm not a fool.

It is hard to finally admit it.

But since you
refuse to, I will.

I'm not the person for you.

No. Oh, shit!

Like you said, Ivy,
I deserve the best.

There they are!

Shit! We gotta get out of here.

Where's the exit?

Oh, for the shit of shit.

This is why I didn't
want to get married here.

The parking lot is a damn maze.

It's pollen season
in here, bitch!

It's pollen season!

I'm really sorry, Ivy.

Kite Man will come around.
He always does.

Yeah, but you know what?
I won't. I mean, he's right.

I've been denying a lot
of myself for a long time.

I guess... I guess,
it seemed easier for me

to just go along
with it, you know?

But now I realize
I hurt a lot of people

- delaying the inevitable.
- Well, people change.

Yeah, yeah, people do change.

I mean, look at you.
What you did for me today.

You...
You showed me the Harls

I always wanted
to see, you know.

You don't think
I'm chaotic and crazy,

- make a bunch of messes?
- No, you definitely do that.

But you're trying to grow

and actually doing it.

And that, I mean, for me,

that's what matters.

I love you, Ive.

I love you, too, Harls.

Oh... Oh, shit!

Okay, eyes on the road!

I love you, but Jesus!