Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 12 - Lovers' Quarrel - full transcript

I am going to kill you.

What? I haven't even
said the stuff yet

What? I haven't even
said the stuff yet

that might piss you off.

that might piss you off.

[gasps, yells]

[gasps, yells]

-Ivy!
-[Joker sighs]

-Ivy!
-[Joker sighs]

Violence was the hallmark
of our relationship, too.

Violence was the hallmark
of our relationship, too.



Beth, you craving Thai
or Italian?

Beth, you craving Thai
or Italian?

Beth, you craving Thai
or Italian?

Hey! I don't know
what I did!
I'm sure it's somethin'.

Hey! I don't know
what I did!
I'm sure it's somethin'.

Let's just hash this out
like adults.

Let's just hash this out
like adults.

[gasps, squeals]

[gasps, squeals]

[Kite Man] I gotcha!

[Kite Man] I gotcha!

So, missed you
at the dress fitting.

Kite Man, what the fuck
is happenin'?

Kite Man, what the fuck
is happenin'?



-Also, hand.
-Uh... Oh, oh! Sorry.

-Also, hand.
-Uh... Oh, oh! Sorry.

-Also, hand.
-Uh... Oh, oh! Sorry.

-[Parademon screeching]
-Uh, turns out

Dr. Psycho is now,
like, all-powerful,

Dr. Psycho is now,
like, all-powerful,

and has my forever babe
mind controlled.

and has my forever babe
mind controlled.

[groans] Well, we won't need
to worry about Psycho

[groans] Well, we won't need
to worry about Psycho

[groans] Well, we won't need
to worry about Psycho

after I kill him.

Oh, thank God!

Oh, thank God!

She's the love of my life,
and the wedding is tomorrow.

She's the love of my life,
and the wedding is tomorrow.

The wedding's happening,
okay?

The wedding's happening,
okay?

You didn't buy that tux
for nothin'.

I didn't buy it at all.
It's a rental.

I didn't buy it at all.
It's a rental.

Jesus, you are
a grown man.

Jesus, you are
a grown man.

Just buy it,
you're gonna use it.

Just buy it,
you're gonna use it.

[people screaming]

[people screaming]

-[Parademons snarling]
-[Batman grunting]

-[Parademons snarling]
-[Batman grunting]

-[Parademons snarling]
-[Batman grunting]

[grunting]

One nest of Parademons,
coming right up!

One nest of Parademons,
coming right up!

Okay, that wasn't
to anybody.

Okay, that wasn't
to anybody.

Okay, that wasn't
to anybody.

[Superman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

I'll ask you this once.

Where is Dr. Psycho?

Where is Dr. Psycho?

Where is Dr. Psycho?

[screeches]

Oh, what?

Because I'm an alien,

Because I'm an alien,

I understand
all alien languages?

I understand
all alien languages?

Okay. I know
a little Parademon,

Okay. I know
a little Parademon,

but it's still
a racist assumption.
Be better.

but it's still
a racist assumption.
Be better.

but it's still
a racist assumption.
Be better.

[Dr. Psycho
and Riddler laughing]

[Dr. Psycho
and Riddler laughing]

Do the fish guy,
do him.

Do the fish guy,
do him.

[laughs] God!
You're like Jaws

[laughs] God!
You're like Jaws

if all ya ate
was fat people.

if all ya ate
was fat people.

Okay, what's your most
embarrassing moment?

Okay, what's your most
embarrassing moment?

[gasps] I thought
we were friends,

[gasps] I thought
we were friends,

or at least coworkers
with a begrudging
professional respect.

or at least coworkers
with a begrudging
professional respect.

or at least coworkers
with a begrudging
professional respect.

Nanaue,

Nanaue,

play nice
with your brother.

[young shark struggling,
grunting]

[young shark struggling,
grunting]

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

[sniffs] Blood!

-[young shark screams]
-[bones crunching]

-[young shark screams]
-[bones crunching]

No! What are you doing?

No! What are you doing?

That's your brother!

That's your brother!

My lord!

You devoured your kin
like an amuse-bouche!

You devoured your kin
like an amuse-bouche!

Holy hell!

Holy hell!

I thought we were gonna see
you crap your pants,

I thought we were gonna see
you crap your pants,

but that is dark, man.

but that is dark, man.

Have you procured
the head of Harley Quinn?

Have you procured
the head of Harley Quinn?

Funny you should ask.

Funny you should ask.

I am procuring
as we speak.

I am procuring
as we speak.

Any minute now,
her head

Any minute now,
her head

is gonna come
rolling through the door

is gonna come
rolling through the door

like a bowling ball
with a bad dye job.

like a bowling ball
with a bad dye job.

Ahem! Sorry to interrupt.

Ahem! Sorry to interrupt.

Um, apparently,

Um, apparently,

Batman and his super friends
destroyed the Parademons,

Batman and his super friends
destroyed the Parademons,

and are, um...
[clears throat]

and are, um...
[clears throat]

-...are coming here.
-Fuck!

-...are coming here.
-Fuck!

You express fear
and displeasure.

You express fear
and displeasure.

No! Everything's fine.

No! Everything's fine.

That was a happy "fuck."

That was a happy "fuck."

It's a great word.
You can use it
many different ways.

It's a great word.
You can use it
many different ways.

Like "Fuck, yeah!"
or, "Let's fuck."

Like "Fuck, yeah!"
or, "Let's fuck."

Harley Quinn
swore an oath to me
and failed.

Harley Quinn
swore an oath to me
and failed.

Now you have sworn
the same oath.

Now you have sworn
the same oath.

Now you have sworn
the same oath.

I shall appear at nightfall
to collect someone's head.

I shall appear at nightfall
to collect someone's head.

It is your choice whose.

It is your choice whose.

No problem, no biggie!

No problem, no biggie!

Now, is that my nightfall
or where you are?

Now, is that my nightfall
or where you are?

'Cause time zones across
planets and dimensions

'Cause time zones across
planets and dimensions

are like wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah... okay.

are like wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah... okay.

[laughs triumphantly]

[laughs triumphantly]

You've stepped in it
now, Psycho.

You've stepped in it
now, Psycho.

A big, fresh wet one!

♪ The Justice League
to the rescue! ♪

♪ The Justice League
to the rescue! ♪

♪ The Justice League
to the rescue! ♪

Huzzah!

Huzzah!

No way that helmet's
powerful enough

No way that helmet's
powerful enough

to control Superman's
funky alien brain.

to control Superman's
funky alien brain.

♪ The Justice League
comes to get us ♪

♪ The Justice League
comes to get us ♪

♪ Free us all ♪
[continues vocalizing]

♪ Free us all ♪
[continues vocalizing]

He might be right.

He might be right.

If the Justice League
reach the mall,

uh, game over.

uh, game over.

Shut up, Debbie Downer,

Shut up, Debbie Downer,

it's not game over.

it's not game over.

It's game on! Ha!

It's game on! Ha!

We got a new plan.

We're gonna kill
Harley Quinn,

We're gonna kill
Harley Quinn,

but first we gotta kill
the heroes.

but first we gotta kill
the heroes.

Kill the heroes,

Kill the heroes,

kill Harley,

kill Harley,

rule Earth!

rule Earth!

Welcome to the old
Kite-tress of solitude.

Welcome to the old
Kite-tress of solitude.

Sorry about the mess.

My, uh, roommate
leaves stuff everywhere.

My, uh, roommate
leaves stuff everywhere.

Psycho, that little shit.

Psycho, that little shit.

Puts on a magic yarmulke

Puts on a magic yarmulke

and now, he's doin'
Jedi mind tricks?

and now, he's doin'
Jedi mind tricks?

We need to destroy
that helmet.

Uh, just a little
caveat there.

Uh, just a little
caveat there.

Uh, we can't get close
or he'll put our domes

Uh, we can't get close
or he'll put our domes

through the brain-washing
spin cycle.

through the brain-washing
spin cycle.

I know.
He did the same thing

I know.
He did the same thing

to Clayface
and King Shark.

to Clayface
and King Shark.

The second they... Sy.

[sighs deeply]
Sigh is right.

[sighs deeply]
Sigh is right.

[sighs deeply]
Sigh is right.

For my lady love
hath been led astray.

For my lady love
hath been led astray.

Not "sigh," dummy.
Sy. Sy Borgman.

Not "sigh," dummy.
Sy. Sy Borgman.

Not "sigh," dummy.
Sy. Sy Borgman.

Sy wasn't affected
by Psycho's mind control.

Sy wasn't affected
by Psycho's mind control.

He was immune.

He was immune.

What the hell made you
so special, Sy?

What the hell made you
so special, Sy?

[yelps] Zombie eye,
zombie eye!

[yelps] Zombie eye,
zombie eye!

Wait, wait!
My kite senses
are fluttering.

Wait, wait!
My kite senses
are fluttering.

It's Morse Code!

It's Morse Code!

-You know Morse Code?
-Of course!

-You know Morse Code?
-Of course!

Sailors and kiters
use signal lamps

Sailors and kiters
use signal lamps

to transmit Morse Code
without being detected.

to transmit Morse Code
without being detected.

I still sometimes
can't get over the fact

I still sometimes
can't get over the fact

Ivy has sex with you.

Ivy has sex with you.

[suggestively] Oh, she does.

[suggestively] Oh, she does.

Look, the eye is saying...

Look, the eye is saying...

Plug... me... in.

Plug... me... in.

What does it mean?

What does it mean?

What does it mean?

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

Oh, well, okay, right.

Sy, you're a zombie
robot ghost!

Sy, you're a zombie
robot ghost!

N-n-n-none, none
of the above, baby!

N-n-n-none, none
of the above, baby!

I just got
a classic case of

the human consciousness-
transferred-into-
the-machine-itis.

the human consciousness-
transferred-into-
the-machine-itis.

the human consciousness-
transferred-into-
the-machine-itis.

There was
a whole chapter on it

There was
a whole chapter on it

in my robot b-b-b-body handbook
I didn't read.

in my robot b-b-b-body handbook
I didn't read.

Sy, we don't have
a lot of time.

Listen, why
weren't you affected

Listen, why
weren't you affected

by Psycho's mind control?

by Psycho's mind control?

Because the C-C-C-Commies!

Because the C-C-C-Commies!

CIA wanted to make sure
the Ruskies didn't flip me

CIA wanted to make sure
the Ruskies didn't flip me

into a Manchurian candidate

into a Manchurian candidate

and/or president
of the United States.

They used
cutting-edge t-t-technology

They used
cutting-edge t-t-technology

to create
an anti-mind control device

to create
an anti-mind control device

and jammed it
in my n-n-n-noggin.

and jammed it
in my n-n-n-noggin.

Can you tell us
how to make that device?

Can you tell us
how to make that device?

Sure! Easy-p-p-peasy
on my metal neezy.

Sure! Easy-p-p-peasy
on my metal neezy.

Sure! Easy-p-p-peasy
on my metal neezy.

-Oh, thank God!
-We're coming, Ivy.

-Oh, thank God!
-We're coming, Ivy.

[Sy] All you need
is magnetic coating

[Sy] All you need
is magnetic coating

-from a floppy disk...
-Huh.

-The photodiodes
of a VHS tape...
-[groans]

-The photodiodes
of a VHS tape...
-[groans]

And an 8-track recording
of The Monkees'
D-D-D-Daydream Believer.

And an 8-track recording
of The Monkees'
D-D-D-Daydream Believer.

And an 8-track recording
of The Monkees'
D-D-D-Daydream Believer.

Say we couldn't get
those things...

Say we couldn't get
those things...

[Sy] Well,
then, it's gonna take
a little elbow grease.

[Sy] Well,
then, it's gonna take
a little elbow grease.

[Sy] Well,
then, it's gonna take
a little elbow grease.

[indistinct roaring]

[indistinct roaring]

Oh, my God!
Superman's gonna kill Ivy!

Oh, my God!
Superman's gonna kill Ivy!

Wasn't he trapped
in a book?

Wasn't he trapped
in a book?

-Who let Superman
out of the book?
-[disappointed sigh]

-Who let Superman
out of the book?
-[disappointed sigh]

[Riddler] Are you sure
you've got this?

[Riddler] Are you sure
you've got this?

I mean, there's still
time to flee.

I mean, there's still
time to flee.

You've seen these calves.

You've seen these calves.

Stop showing me
your weird turkey leg calves.

Stop showing me
your weird turkey leg calves.

I'm not gonna fuck you.

I'm not gonna fuck you.

If you wanna go, go.

But don't show up tomorrow
when this is over

But don't show up tomorrow
when this is over

and still expect me
to let you rule Scandinavia.

and still expect me
to let you rule Scandinavia.

and still expect me
to let you rule Scandinavia.

I know you got a type.

I know you got a type.

Fine, fine, I'll stay.

Fine, fine, I'll stay.

Ah! It's just so pretty there.

Everything looks like
a fairy tale.

Everything looks like
a fairy tale.

-[Dr. Psycho] Mmm.
-Ow! God!

-[Dr. Psycho] Mmm.
-Ow! God!

Ivy, stand down.

Ivy, stand down.

[Wonder Woman
and Superman grunt]

Still got it, baby.

Still got it, baby.

Hey...

Hey...

I know I'm more
of a wordplay guy,

I know I'm more
of a wordplay guy,

but, mathematically,
I don't like your odds.

but, mathematically,
I don't like your odds.

Don't get your onesie
in a wad.

Don't get your onesie
in a wad.

I got a couple of things
up my sleeve.

I got a couple of things
up my sleeve.

Two very short arms?

Two very short arms?

God damn it,
I was trying to think

God damn it,
I was trying to think

of a really cool
Wesley Snipes-style one liner

and you had to go--

and you had to go--

Wesley Snipes?

Wesley Snipes?

When's the last time
you saw a fucking movie?

When's the last time
you saw a fucking movie?

Poison Ivy, we know that
you're under Dr. Psycho's
mind control.

Poison Ivy, we know that
you're under Dr. Psycho's
mind control.

Poison Ivy, we know that
you're under Dr. Psycho's
mind control.

So I give you this warning.
I, Kal-El, do say--

So I give you this warning.
I, Kal-El, do say--

We don't want
to have to take you out

but if you don't give us
another option, we will.

but if you don't give us
another option, we will.

That's what
he was getting to.

That's what
he was getting to.

Don't worry, the shark
hates violence

Don't worry, the shark
hates violence

and the lump of clay
is harmless.

and the lump of clay
is harmless.

[yells] Blood!

[yells] Blood!

Okay, I did not, uh... yeah.

Okay, I did not, uh... yeah.

Okay, I did not, uh... yeah.

Uh. Come on, come on!

Uh. Come on, come on!

I'm Kite Man!
Not Soldering Man!

I'm Kite Man!
Not Soldering Man!

I know Soldering Man,
but he's in Milwaukee.

I know Soldering Man,
but he's in Milwaukee.

No, I said connect
the thingamajig

No, I said connect
the thingamajig

to the w-w-what's-ya-call-it,
not the whose-it-what's-it!

to the w-w-what's-ya-call-it,
not the whose-it-what's-it!

I don't know how to do this!

I don't know how to do this!

Kites are electricity-free.
I went to Oberlin!

Kites are electricity-free.
I went to Oberlin!

Well, unless you figure it out,

Well, unless you figure it out,

the person I love

-is gonna die!
-What?

-is gonna die!
-What?

As a friend.
The friend I love,

As a friend.
The friend I love,

as a friend, is gonna die!

Okay, 'cause that
sounded intense.

Okay, 'cause that
sounded intense.

I'm Harley Quinn,
I'm impetuous,
I kiss people. Muah!

I'm Harley Quinn,
I'm impetuous,
I kiss people. Muah!

I'm Harley Quinn,
I'm impetuous,
I kiss people. Muah!

Oh-ho! Hoochie mama!

Oh-ho! Hoochie mama!

What is happening?

Okay. You know what?
I can't wait around

Okay. You know what?
I can't wait around

until you graduate
from DeVry!
I'm goin' to save Ivy.

until you graduate
from DeVry!
I'm goin' to save Ivy.

until you graduate
from DeVry!
I'm goin' to save Ivy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

that is a sophisticated
piece of cloth and wood.

that is a sophisticated
piece of cloth and wood.

It took years of training
with my sen--

It took years of training
with my sen--

And she is soaring
majestically.

And she is soaring
majestically.

And she is soaring
majestically.

-[roaring]
-[Batman grunts]

-[roaring]
-[Batman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[King Shark grunts]

[King Shark grunts]

[Superman straining]

[Superman straining]

Get off me,
you angry dolphin.
Get off me!

Get off me,
you angry dolphin.
Get off me!

Get off me,
you angry dolphin.
Get off me!

-[glass shattering]
-[metal crunching]

-[glass shattering]
-[metal crunching]

-[Wonder Woman grunts]
-[Poison Ivy exclaims]

-[Wonder Woman grunts]
-[Poison Ivy exclaims]

Wait, wait! Did I tell you?

Wait, wait! Did I tell you?

Ivy and I basically spent
her whole bachelorette party

Ivy and I basically spent
her whole bachelorette party

Ivy and I basically spent
her whole bachelorette party

saving Themyscira
from Lex Luthor?

saving Themyscira
from Lex Luthor?

Clear the area, clown.

Otherwise,
I can't be responsible
for your safety.

Otherwise,
I can't be responsible
for your safety.

[both grunt]

[both grunt]

[pants]

Damn it, Harley!

Damn it, Harley!

[King Shark sniffing]

[King Shark sniffing]

Blood!

Blood!

[King Shark growls]

[King Shark growls]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[Wonder Woman grunts]

[Batman groaning] Harley!

Are you shittin' me, Clayface?

Are you shittin' me, Clayface?

Are you shittin' me, Clayface?

You could change
into this at any time

You could change
into this at any time

and chose ditzy co-eds
and divorcees?

and chose ditzy co-eds
and divorcees?

[Clayface roars]

[Clayface roars]

[Superman grunts]

You realize the Man of Steel

You realize the Man of Steel

isn't just a clever
nickname, right?

isn't just a clever
nickname, right?

Ive, you gotta snap out of it

Ive, you gotta snap out of it

or they're gonna kill--
[yelps]

or they're gonna kill--
[yelps]

or they're gonna kill--
[yelps]

or they're gonna kill--
[yelps]

-[Superman grunts]
-[Poison Ivy screams]

-[Superman grunts]
-[Poison Ivy screams]

-[Superman grunts]
-[Poison Ivy screams]

-[Superman grunts]
-[Poison Ivy screams]

[Harley]
Ugh. Homeboy's gotta upgrade
to jet pack or somethin'.

[Harley]
Ugh. Homeboy's gotta upgrade
to jet pack or somethin'.

[Clayface roaring]

[Clayface roaring]

[King Shark roaring]

[King Shark roaring]

[King Shark roaring]

[King Shark roaring]

[King Shark yelps, grunts]

-[roars]
-[metal clangs]

-[roars]
-[metal clangs]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[Clayface roaring]

[Clayface roaring]

[Clayface roaring]

[beeping]

[Clayface roars]

[Clayface roars]

[snaps]

[snaps]

[grunts]
Ive, there you are.

[grunts]
Ive, there you are.

[grunts]
Ive, there you are.

Oh, wow,
you rocked Superman.

Oh, wow,
you rocked Superman.

Anyway, listen,

I know the real you
is in there somewhere.

I know the real you
is in there somewhere.

I know the real you
is in there somewhere.

Well, that's new.

Well, that's new.

[Harley screams]

[Harley screams]

[sighs]

[sighs]

I guess Poison Ivy
should've... hedged her bet.

I guess Poison Ivy
should've... hedged her bet.

I guess Poison Ivy
should've... hedged her bet.

Hmm.

[grapple gun firing]

[grapple gun firing]

[grapple gun firing]

Okie d-d-d-dokie,
that should do it.

Okie d-d-d-dokie,
that should do it.

Give her a whirl, Mr. Kite Man.

Give her a whirl, Mr. Kite Man.

[device whirrs, beeps]

[device whirrs, beeps]

-[electricity crackling]
-[Kite Man grunts]

-[electricity crackling]
-[Kite Man grunts]

-Sy?
-[static]

-Sy?
-[static]

Oh, frick, I killed him.

Oh, frick, I killed him.

[Sy] No way, Jose!

[Sy] No way, Jose!

Synet is online!

Synet is online!

Where are you?

[Sy] Hey. Let's build this
anti-mind-control device

[Sy] Hey. Let's build this
anti-mind-control device

and then if there's time,
we'll make some fresh pasta.

and then if there's time,
we'll make some fresh pasta.

Hell, yeah!

Hell, yeah!

[Harley] Oh, great!
Gang's all here.

[Harley] Oh, great!
Gang's all here.

We don't need to settle this
with violence. You know...

We don't need to settle this
with violence. You know...

Hmm. That's a personal first.

Hmm. That's a personal first.

Quinn's right. Wayne Tower
has seen enough damage.

Quinn's right. Wayne Tower
has seen enough damage.

And I believe
a metahuman battle

And I believe
a metahuman battle

falls outside Mr. Wayne's
insurance coverage.

falls outside Mr. Wayne's
insurance coverage.

He's a friend,
I'm just saying.

He's a friend,
I'm just saying.

[Harley grunts]

[Harley grunts]

[Harley grunts]

[Poison Ivy grunts]

Bats, you got her
all tied up.

Bats, you got her
all tied up.

Leave her alone
and go stop Psycho.

Leave her alone
and go stop Psycho.

I'm sorry, Harley.

She's too dangerous.

She's too dangerous.

She needs
to be taken down.

She needs
to be taken down.

She could escape
and kill thousands

She could escape
and kill thousands

before Dr. Psycho
is neutralized.

before Dr. Psycho
is neutralized.

I can't let you kill her.

I can't let you kill her.

I love her
more than anything
in this whole world.

I love her
more than anything
in this whole world.

I'm not gonna kill her.

I'm not gonna kill her.

I'm just gonna put her
in the phantom zone

I'm just gonna put her
in the phantom zone

where she'll rest
for all of eternity.

where she'll rest
for all of eternity.

Then, send me there, too!

Uh, all right.

Uh, all right.

Wow, this is so dramatic.

Wow, this is so dramatic.

It's like a CW show,

It's like a CW show,

if the cast was less hot.

if the cast was less hot.

Yeah, you guys are right.
Ivy's too dangerous to--

Yeah, you guys are right.
Ivy's too dangerous to--

To be left alive.

To be left alive.

You should have killed her
when you had the chance.
Because now?

You should have killed her
when you had the chance.
Because now?

You're right where I want you.

You're right where I want you.

[Wonder Woman gasps, coughs]

[Wonder Woman gasps, coughs]

[gasps]

Wonder Woman, you look bangin'.

Wonder Woman, you look bangin'.

-What?
-Batman,

are those pecs real
or is it just the suit?
[chuckles playfully]

are those pecs real
or is it just the suit?
[chuckles playfully]

Gross.

These pecs are definitely real.

These pecs are definitely real.

Give them a grab.
Don't be shy.

Give them a grab.
Don't be shy.

Give them a grab.
Don't be shy.

Oh, gross.
Did you just spray them
with Ivy's love pheromones?

Oh, gross.
Did you just spray them
with Ivy's love pheromones?

Maybe we should see
what's under these costumes.

Maybe we should see
what's under these costumes.

Maybe we should see
what's under these costumes.

[Wonder Woman chuckles]

Or not. A lot of not.
Please, not!

[Superman laughs] You know
I can see through that, right?

[Superman laughs] You know
I can see through that, right?

[gasps, yelps]

[gasps, yelps]

[distant whistling]

[distant whistling]

[distant whistling]

[Riddler and Dr. Psycho
laughing]

Yes! The heroes are defeated!

Yes! The heroes are defeated!

Yes! The heroes are defeated!

Ivy's bringing me Harley,

my ramen takeout's
almost here,

my ramen takeout's
almost here,

and the Earth
is about to be mine!

and the Earth
is about to be mine!

I'm the most powerful person
on the fucking planet!

I'm the most powerful person
on the fucking planet!

I'm the most powerful person
on the fucking planet!

[Dr. Psycho] Ahhh!

[Dr. Psycho] Ahhh!

I've returned to collect
what is owed to me.

I've returned to collect
what is owed to me.

Where is Harley Quinn?

Where is Harley Quinn?

[Dr. Psycho] Yeah. So,
it's mostly gadgets

[Dr. Psycho] Yeah. So,
it's mostly gadgets

like drones
and scented alarm clocks.

like drones
and scented alarm clocks.

The kind of stuff
you find in the sky mall.

The kind of stuff
you find in the sky mall.

And who is Orange Julius?

And who is Orange Julius?

[Riddler laughs]

[Riddler laughs]

-She's here.
-See?

Harley Quinn, as promised.

Harley Quinn, as promised.

Psycho, release me,
you tiny, giant asshole!

Psycho, release me,
you tiny, giant asshole!

Psycho, release me,
you tiny, giant asshole!

Shut up.

Kill her now
and I shall call forth

Kill her now
and I shall call forth

the armies of Apokolips

the armies of Apokolips

to enslave this planet

to enslave this planet

as we agreed upon.

as we agreed upon.

Choose not to
and it's your head.

Choose not to
and it's your head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Blah, blah, blah.

Cool your jets, Big D.

Cool your jets, Big D.

I have been thinking
about something,

I'm more than just
a "rule Earth" kind of guy,
all right?

I'm more than just
a "rule Earth" kind of guy,
all right?

I'm more than just
a "rule Earth" kind of guy,
all right?

I could rule solar systems
for you,

I could rule solar systems
for you,

goddamn galaxies.

goddamn galaxies.

[chuckles] Unlikely.

[chuckles] Unlikely.

Listen, I get it, I get it.

You probably think
I'm just a run-of-the-mill
supervillain

You probably think
I'm just a run-of-the-mill
supervillain

You probably think
I'm just a run-of-the-mill
supervillain

but I got that charisma,

that je ne sais quoi
that you're looking for
in a right-hand man.

that je ne sais quoi
that you're looking for
in a right-hand man.

that je ne sais quoi
that you're looking for
in a right-hand man.

Let me show ya.
I'm about to do
something epic!

Let me show ya.
I'm about to do
something epic!

Let me show ya.
I'm about to do
something epic!

-Explain.
-[device beeps]

You see the living weed
over there?

You see the living weed
over there?

That right there is Poison Ivy.

That right there is Poison Ivy.

Let me give you
some backstory.

Let me give you
some backstory.

Let me give you
some backstory.

Harley, I made
the anti-mind control device.

Harley, I made
the anti-mind control device.

Well, actually Sy
turned into a cake mixer

Well, actually Sy
turned into a cake mixer

and he made it...
It's kind of a funny story...

and he made it...
It's kind of a funny story...

that we don't have time for.

that we don't have time for.

We only had materials
for two of these bad boys.

We only had materials
for two of these bad boys.

Put the other in Ivy's ear
if my plan doesn't work.

Put the other in Ivy's ear
if my plan doesn't work.

This is the plan.

This is the plan.

What the hell is your plan?

What the hell is your plan?

True love.

True love.

Pamela Isley.
It's me. Chuck.

Pamela Isley.
It's me. Chuck.

What is a "Chuck"?

What is a "Chuck"?

Ivy, I'm your fiancé.
Your soulmate.

Ivy, I'm your fiancé.
Your soulmate.

I believe our love
is so powerful,
that when I kiss you,

I believe our love
is so powerful,
that when I kiss you,

I believe our love
is so powerful,
that when I kiss you,

it will break Psycho's spell.

Because true love conquers all.

Because true love conquers all.

Because true love conquers all.

Because true love conquers all.

[grunts]

[grunts]

As I was saying,
Ivy and Harley
are best friends.

As I was saying,
Ivy and Harley
are best friends.

As I was saying,
Ivy and Harley
are best friends.

So it's gonna be
very poetic

So it's gonna be
very poetic

when Harley is killed
not only by her friend...

when Harley is killed
not only by her friend...

but her secret lover!

but her secret lover!

but her secret lover!

You know?

Of course I fucking know!

Of course I fucking know!

You think I'm going
to mind control Ivy

You think I'm going
to mind control Ivy

and not read her mind?

and not read her mind?

You don't buy a Ferrari
and leave it in the garage!

You don't buy a Ferrari
and leave it in the garage!

You don't buy a Ferrari
and leave it in the garage!

We are not secret lovers!

It was a couple times
and it was amazing

It was a couple times
and it was amazing

and Ivy broke it off
and I'm totally cool with it!

and Ivy broke it off
and I'm totally cool with it!

Enough! Stop trying
to lower the stakes.

Enough! Stop trying
to lower the stakes.

Enough! Stop trying
to lower the stakes.

Hey. Pitting two lovers
against each other,

Hey. Pitting two lovers
against each other,

like I said, epic.

like I said, epic.

I am mildly intrigued
by evil usurping love.

I am mildly intrigued
by evil usurping love.

I am mildly intrigued
by evil usurping love.

Oh, look at the big words
on Darkseid.

Oh, look at the big words
on Darkseid.

Someone did well
on their SATs.

Someone did well
on their SATs.

Ive, we love each other
too much to do this! [grunts]

Ive, we love each other
too much to do this! [grunts]

[laughs evilly]

[laughs evilly]

[Harley grunts]

[sighs]
Don't make me hurt you.

[sighs]
Don't make me hurt you.

[grunting]

[grunting]

Okay, don't make me
hurt you again.

Okay, don't make me
hurt you again.

-[grunts]
-[bat clatters]

-[grunts]
-[bat clatters]

[straining, grunting]

[straining, grunting]

[laughs] Isn't this great?

[laughs] Isn't this great?

Friends fighting to the death.

Friends fighting to the death.

I mean, this is the stuff
that gets you off, right?

I mean, this is the stuff
that gets you off, right?

[both grunting]

[both grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[Harley straining]

-[grunts]
-[device clatters]

-[grunts]
-[device clatters]

-[grunts]
-[device clatters]

-[grunts]
-[device clatters]

Yes! Kill her!
Kill Harley!

Yes! Kill her!
Kill Harley!

Yes! Kill her!
Kill Harley!

[straining] Here...
goes... true... love...

[straining] Here...
goes... true... love...

[straining] Here...
goes... true... love...

Okay! Mr. Johnson's up!
Girl on girl. So hot.

Okay! Mr. Johnson's up!
Girl on girl. So hot.

Okay! Mr. Johnson's up!
Girl on girl. So hot.

Holy shit.
True love worked.

Holy shit.
True love worked.

Holy shit.
True love worked.

What are you, 13?

What are you, 13?

Psycho, focus.
[snaps fingers] Focus!

Psycho, focus.
[snaps fingers] Focus!

Fine. I command you

Fine. I command you

to kill Harley Quinn.

to kill Harley Quinn.

[grunting] Uh, come on!

[grunting] Uh, come on!

And I command you
to ess my vee.

And I command you
to ess my vee.

And I command you
to ess my vee.

"Ess my vee"?

[Dr. Psycho grunts]
What the fuck?

[Dr. Psycho grunts]
What the fuck?

[groans] What the hell
is going on?

[groans] What the hell
is going on?

[groans] What the hell
is going on?

Guess you ain't as strong
as you thought, Psycho.

Guess you ain't as strong
as you thought, Psycho.

You're not an A-lister.

Just a goon
with delusions of grandeur.

Just a goon
with delusions of grandeur.

Have you failed me, human?

Have you failed me, human?

No! You think I need Ivy
to kill her? Come on.

No! You think I need Ivy
to kill her? Come on.

No! You think I need Ivy
to kill her? Come on.

I'll kill both of 'em.
I am an all-powerful man!

I'll kill both of 'em.
I am an all-powerful man!

I'll kill both of 'em.
I am an all-powerful man!

-Come and get me!
-[both] Sure.

-Come and get me!
-[both] Sure.

-Come and get me!
-[both] Sure.

-[Dr. Psycho grunts]
-[objects clatter]

You're not
all-powerful, douchebag.

You're not
all-powerful, douchebag.

You're just a loser
who puts on a hat
to look cool.

You're just a loser
who puts on a hat
to look cool.

Basically, everyone
on Tinder.

Basically, everyone
on Tinder.

Yeah a lot of hats on Tinder.

Yeah a lot of hats on Tinder.

-A lot of hats.
-Oh!

-A lot of hats.
-Oh!

Oh! It's good to have
my very bitter friend back.

It's over for ya, buddy!

It's over for ya, buddy!

[grunts]

[grunts]

-[electricity crackles]
-[Dr. Psycho groans]

-[electricity crackles]
-[Dr. Psycho groans]

Harley Quinn!

Harley Quinn!

[nervously]
Hi, Mr. Darkseid, sir.

[nervously]
Hi, Mr. Darkseid, sir.

I'm really sorry about
bringing those Parademons
to Earth

I'm really sorry about
bringing those Parademons
to Earth

and not using them.

and not using them.

See, I was doing it
for the wrong reasons and--

See, I was doing it
for the wrong reasons and--

You have proved yourself
even more formidable
than I thought.

You have proved yourself
even more formidable
than I thought.

You have proved yourself
even more formidable
than I thought.

-The deal stands.
-"The deal"?

-The deal stands.
-"The deal"?

On your command...

On your command...

-[device beeps]
-...my armies
shall spring forth

-[device beeps]
-...my armies
shall spring forth

and enslave the planet.

The Earth is yours,
Harley Quinn.

The Earth is yours,
Harley Quinn.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Psycho, the creep
that he is, he was right.

Psycho, the creep
that he is, he was right.

I don't wanna rule Earth
on a throne of skulls.

I don't wanna rule Earth
on a throne of skulls.

I'm not a real supervillain.

I'm not a real supervillain.

Hell, I'm not sure
I'm even a bad guy
anymore.

Hell, I'm not sure
I'm even a bad guy
anymore.

All I've been doing
is reacting.

All I've been doing
is reacting.

Getting in the Legion of Doom
to show up Joker.

Getting in the Legion of Doom
to show up Joker.

Stopping the Injustice League
to get revenge.

Stopping the Injustice League
to get revenge.

It's 'cause, deep inside,

It's 'cause, deep inside,

I didn't know
what I really wanted,
until now.

I didn't know
what I really wanted,
until now.

Your indecision baffles
and angers me.

Your indecision baffles
and angers me.

Your indecision baffles
and angers me.

For this,
I shall return one day

For this,
I shall return one day

and terraform your planet
into a scrapyard.

and terraform your planet
into a scrapyard.

and terraform your planet
into a scrapyard.

Well, that seems ominous.

Well, that seems ominous.

All right, pop back
in your Boom Tube.

All right, pop back
in your Boom Tube.

Darkseid is...

Darkseid is...

leaving.

leaving.

Ivy, you call me out
on all my bullshit,

Ivy, you call me out
on all my bullshit,

but you don't
judge me for it.

but you don't
judge me for it.

We have fun whether
we're sitting on the couch

We have fun whether
we're sitting on the couch

or murdering a group
of investment bankers.

or murdering a group
of investment bankers.

You showed me
what the best version
of myself could be

You showed me
what the best version
of myself could be

and you held me to it.

and you held me to it.

I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with you.

I want to be with you.

I want to be with you.

And, yes, it might be messy.
It might not work.

And, yes, it might be messy.
It might not work.

It might even destroy
our friendship forever.

It might even destroy
our friendship forever.

It might even destroy
our friendship forever.

But love is a risk.

I'd rather risk our friendship

I'd rather risk our friendship

than pretend
these feelings aren't real.

than pretend
these feelings aren't real.

You just, you don't
give up on love.

You just, you don't
give up on love.

Take a risk,

Take a risk,

take a leap of faith,
and be with me.

take a leap of faith,
and be with me.

[Kite Man groans]

[Kite Man groans]

Hey, did my kiss work?

Hey, did my kiss work?

Where am I?

[Dr. Psycho laughs maniacally]

[Dr. Psycho laughs maniacally]

[Dr. Psycho laughs maniacally]

We're laughing?
Are we friends again?

We're laughing?
Are we friends again?

What is so funny?

What is so funny?

Aw, man, I hate
missing inside jokes!

Aw, man, I hate
missing inside jokes!

Oh, don't worry,

Oh, don't worry,

I'll tell you.

[Dr. Psycho screams]

[laughs maniacally]

[Poison Ivy and Harley moaning]

[Poison Ivy and Harley moaning]

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh, this is gonna affect
the crew dynamic

Oh, this is gonna affect
the crew dynamic

in a messy
and complicated manner.

in a messy
and complicated manner.

in a messy
and complicated manner.

I already had a feeling.
The tension was palpable.

I already had a feeling.
The tension was palpable.

I already had a feeling.
The tension was palpable.

[laughs] She's still limber.

[laughs] She's still limber.

[Dr. Psycho grunting]

[Dr. Psycho grunting]

Ooh! I need a cigarette.

Ooh! I need a cigarette.

[groans]

[groans]

Um...

Um...