Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 11 - A Fight Worth Fighting For - full transcript

Lotta shit happened
this season, people.

Lotta shit.
So much shit,

I'm compelled
to recap that shit for you.

Also, I tested very well
as a character,

so the producer
would like to shoehorn me

into the show
whenever possible.

Okay. Oh, man.

This season's
been compellin' as fuck.

Lots of twists and turns.

Cable ACE Award-winnin' stuff.

When we last left off,



that tiny rat bastard,
Dr. Psycho,

had betrayed Harley.

Turns out,
that tricky motherfucker

was in cahoots
with the Riddler.

And, with the help
of some bullshit technology

straight out of a comic book,

they now control a army
of blood-sucking parademons,

courtesy of Darkseid.

Dark-side? I don't know
how to pronounce that shit.

So, now, the only way
Harley can stop Psycho

is with the help of
the Justice League.

[gulps] But wouldn't you
fucking know,

they're trapped in
the Queen of Fables' storybook.

Remember that shit
from Season 1?



Look at how intricately woven

this storytellin' shit is.

Peabody Award-level shit here.

Further complicating
matters is,

the only motherfucker
who knows where that book is,

- is the Joker.
- [coughs]

But, that dude's
a khaki-wearin' amnesiac,

who's somehow whiter now

than when he was
the color of paint primer.

And now, our heroine,

Ms. Harley Quinn,

has gone against
her better judgement,

and has dumped the Joker
back into acid

to jog that
motherfucker's memory,

so he can find
the storybook,

free the Justice League,

and take down Psycho
and his fuckin' army.

[whoops]

This is some
George R.R. Martin,

Emmy Award-winnin' shit.

Now, get yourself
some popcorn,

and let's watch.

[suspenseful music playing]

[gurgling softly]

[hissing]

[laughing maniacally]

[groaning]

[Harley grunting]

[shouting]
Where's the fucking book?

Theme music playing...

*HARLEY QUINN*
Season 02 Episode 11

Title :"A Fight Worth Fighting For"
Aired on: June 12, 2020

[Dr. Psycho laughing]

Begin the taking
of Gotham City!

[ominous music playing]

[screeches]

- [whimpering]
- [screeching]

[whimpering]

[screams]

[all screaming]

[snarls]

[screeching]

[Riddler] Riddle me this...

[inhales] Oh.

What's the next move?

- Not a riddle.
- [gasps]

This whole, uh, sidekick thing

has made me real rusty
with my rids.

God! Get me Darkseid.

Oh. You want me to get him.

Oh. Sorry.

My phone doesn't have
an inter-dimensional data plan.

Good lord!

[sarcastically]
Some assistant you are.

Give me my phone.

Okay, Ds.

Deadshot, Deathstroke,
Dee Dee, Doctor Aesop,

Doctor Death,
Doctor Hurt, Doctor Trapp,

Doctor Rabinowitz...

What is Doctor Rabinowitz's
super power?

Skin care.
He's my dermatologist.

I get adult acne.

Here it is. Oh!
[chuckles]

I put him under
The Darkseid.

- That's what's wrong. - [phone beeps]
- [ringing]

[Joker] What the fuck
is your problem, Harley?

I should kill you for that.

Good. You're back.

Now, where's
the Queen of Fables' book?

You had it in the tower,
the tower collapsed.

What happened to it?

What happened to it?

What happened to me?

Oh, God! Oh, no.

Oh, shit.

What are you doing?

[nervously]
I'm starting to remember.

[ominous music playing]

[monitor beeping]

[cheerful music playing]

[inaudible]

[puppy whimpering]

[puppy barking]

[puppy barking]

[tires screeching]

[crashes]

[cracks knuckles]

What did I become?

A suburban dad.
Who gives a shit?

Where's the fucking book?

I'm not helping you!

You're the whole reason

I ended up spending
six months of my life

in khaki shorts,

a Hawaiian shirt,

and a cell phone clipped
to my belt!

Yeah. Thought you might
say somethin' like that,

which is why
I'm not giving you a choice.

You can't tell me
what to do!

I'm the Joker,

Gotham's clown
prince of crime.

I'm gonna...

Blow up if you don't
help me find the book.

Before you came to,

I put a bomb in your head,

and I got the clicker
right here.

Hey! That's my bit.

[beeping]

[growls] Fine.

I guess we're going
to Bethany's house.

[Batman] I lost communication
with the Batplane

around Wayne Tower.

Master Wayne, you know you don't have
to narrate for me.

I'm quite adept
at context clue.

If I can just get
a glimpse of it.

I can use
the city surveillance systems

and track it.

- There! No.
- [clicking]

No. No.

No. No. No. No.

[clicking]

Computer. Enhance.

[Alfred] We have a new OS.

All you have to do is say,

"Hey, Batcomputer,"

and then whatever
you want it to do.

Hey, Batcomputer.

Zoom in on picture.

Joker's back,

and Harley's with him.

They must be behind this.

It's time
for Batman to... return.

[sternly] No, Master Wayne.

Come on, Alfred.
I am ready.

Oh, I'm not worried about you.

I just haven't had a chance
to disinfect the Batsuit.

Fine. Okay. Clean the suit...

[softly] then Batman begins.

Again.

[ominous music playing]

[screeching]

All right.
This all looks perfect to me.

Can we go to
the dress fitting now?

Babe, let's
at least have Debbie

show us around.
What's the rush?

[nervously] What? There's no rush.
There's no rush. I'm chillin'.

So, I heard one of you
loves to fondue.

Fon-do I ever!

Fon-damn it!

Oh. We'll figure out
a fix for that.

Babe, are you sure

you don't wanna
postpone the nupties?

You know,
just until we get the whole

"unpredictable flying demons"
sitch figured out?

Like, I'm not even sure
I can kite down the aisle

- in these conditions.
- No! Absolutely not.

I'm ready to
move forward with my life

and leave some things behind.

And, if we don't
do it right now,

those things might
catch up with us,

and we can't have that.

[hesitatingly]
And... also, like...

I wanna marr...

You know, like,
love and marr...

I wanna do that thing
with you.

[crying] That was
really touching.

Thank you for saying that.

I don't care
what Psycho does,

this wedding is happening.

So, this, of course,
is where we'll

put the... [gasps]

[cell phone ringing]

[Debbie on phone]
...the photo booth.

We'll have all kinds
of silly props like

a sign that says "YOLO."

It'll be hilarious.

See, honey?
We're in great hands.

[Joker] I can't believe
I spent six months

being some
loser suburban stepdad.

God damn it!

I'm watering
the whole neighborhood.

Get the fuck back!

Hold on!
It's not what it looks like.

Well, it looks like
he's the Joker,

you're Harley Quinn,

and you're here to rob me.

Two out of three.
Not bad.

We're not here
to rob you.

There's a book.

A big, fairytale book.

It's hers.
She needs it back.

You're gonna
have to elaborate, clown.

[groans]

You found me
in the rubble of Wayne Tower.

We fell in love.

I read your kids stories

out of what I thought was
just a regular fairytale book,

but it was really
an evil fairytale book.

And it turns out
I was actually the Joker,

but I lost my memory,

then she threw me back
in acid.

Now, I'm the Joker
again.

Speaking Spanish...

I dated the Joker
for six months?

That's fuckin' ridiculous.

Is it any more ridiculous

than pointing
that gun at my face?

The gun you think little Sofia
and Benicio don't know about?

The gun you've never
loaded or shot

in your life?

[growls]

Soy yo, pudding.

Mi corazon.

[lock clicking]

- [groans]
- Insulting Joker in Spanish...

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Give me the book,
or I'll kill you.

You're not killin'
anybody.

So, nothing
we had was real?

The trip we took
to the mountains,

the walks we took at night
after the kids were asleep,

The Sopranos rewatch
we did?

I guess. I mean,
I did kind of enjoy those.

But, I didn't know who I was!

I'm the Joker!

Obviously, I'm not
going to date

some suburban mom!

That was a little harsh.

I'm the fucking Joker!

[chuckles] I mean, come on!
I mean, seriously.

I thought
we had something.

But, if you're too much
of a coward to try,

then here's your book.

[dramatic music playing]

[screeching]

Shouting in Spanish...

- [Harley] Shit!
- No shit.

[call waiting music playing]

[giggles]
What's he saying?

[shushes]
I'm still on hold.

[on phone] Who interrupts
Darkseid's quest

for the anti-life equation?

Uh, it's...
[clears throat]

[in deep voice] ...Dr. Psycho.

Ah. The dwarf who
called Wonder Woman a slur

that even I dare not utter.

God! That was, like,
two years ago!

Also, "dwarf"
is considered a slur.

Just FYI.
This isn't Wizard of Oz.

[Darkseid]
Darkseid does not care.

[sarcastically] Yeah.
Why would you?

Okay, so, Mr. Darkseid, sir,

I have recently
taken over Gotham City

after organizing
all your parademons, and...

What is your request?

Okay, I'd like that deal that
you made with Harley Quinn.

The one that said
if she took over Gotham,

you'd help her
take over the world.

Darkseid is...
late for a meeting.

All right.
I'm gonna make this quick.

When I was a little boy,

my mother brought me
to the county fair.

There was a Ferris wheel.

A big, beautiful thing,

and you had to be
a certain height to ride it.

And, of course,
I was too short.

But, my mother
would always say,

[in high-pitched voice]
"Patience, Eddie.

I'm sure next year
you're gonna be big enough."

Let me tell you right now.

The next year rolled around,

and I hadn't gotten
any taller.

Years went by.

I hung upside down
from my ankles for hours.

I took growth hormones.

Anything to ride
that big wheel in the sky.

I never did get there.

But, then, one day,

somethin' very
unexpected happened.

[giggling] All those people

fell to their death!

[all screaming]

- [growling]
- And it was a rush!

I thought it was so satisfying

to watch all those people die!

And, that's when
I decided to hate women.

I'm not sure that tracks.

But, you get
where I'm comin' from.

[Darkseid] I will end
this transmission now.

[softly] Wait! Wait! Wait!

Most insomniacs who
stay up all hours of the night

doing deep dives on Wikipedia
would tell you

that 87% of apocalyptian
business transactions

are fueled by revenge.

So, I was thinking...

- [laughing]
- What?

Why are you
looking at me all weird?

I just read your mind.

What?
That's creepy, man.

Sir, what if I bring you
the head of Harley Quinn?

I mean, she did break the terms

of her
original agreement with you,

and it seems like a good reason
to want her dead.

[Darkseid] You would
vanquish the woman

who betrayed me?

[chuckles] Yeah! Of course.

I mean, we're already
in the process of that.

We're mid-vanquish.

Bring me the head
of Harley Quinn,

and the Earth...

is yours.

[excitedly] Yes! Fuckin' sweet!

- I mean, it will be done.
- [cell phone beeps]

Oh. Soon,
the whole world

is gonna bow before me.

Bring me Harley Quinn!

[screeches]

God, your calves are huge!

[squeaking]

[screeching]

[music playing on speaker]

[Poison Ivy] What do you think?

I think this is
highly against protocol.

If my mother saw me
seeing you

in that dress
before the wedding,

she would say something
very passive-aggressive

that would bring me
to tears.

Where is Harley?

She should be here.
Not me.

What? Forget about Harley.
She was busy,

and I don't have any other friends,
so you're up.

Babe, did you and Harley
get into a fight or something

at the ol' bach partay?

It just feels like

you've been different
since then.

What? No.
We're, like, totally fine.

[stammering] We just... She...

She's just got her things,
and I've got mine.

It's a classic case of, like,
people just, you know, havin' things

that they do away
from people.

Plus, she's like
not good at this stuff.

You know, it's like, you are.

You are good
at this kind of thing.

You are right about that.

[inhales] Okay. Um...
[clicks tongue]

Are you totally set on cream?

What? What do you mean?

- The... Isn't this just white?
- Nope.

- [screeching]
- Oh, shit!

[grunts]

[screeching]

[speaking slowly]
We don't speak your language.

Is there another way

we can communicate?

You do know
that speaking louder

will not help them
understand you.

It... might.

What the fuck?

Shit nuts with a can!

Oh, my God!

I wasn't even sure
I wanted a backless dress,

- and now I'm stuck with it.
- Yeah.

I was gonna say,
a backless halter...

is a little rural.

[growls]

[growling] I've had it!

I didn't care when
they were taking giant dumps

all over the fuckin' city,

but this is
a $13,000 Vera Wang!

[nervously] Uh...
Okay. Thirteen...

So, you know,
are we doin' the traditional thing

where the bride's parents
pay for the wedding?

Dr. Psycho's dead.

Hold my hair.

Yeah. Sure, honey.

[menacing music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[Harley shouts]
Get down!

[screeching]

We're not going
to find this book.

Ugh. This sucks!

Why don't you just
blow my head up right now?

[angrily] It's your fault
we're here.

If you hadn't been
an asshole to your ex,

she wouldn't have
chucked the book

into the jaws of
a parademon.

She chucked the book

because she's loca.

She's got it tattooed
on her lower back

next to a Tweety Bird.

Although, we did have
some good times.

Great.
Uh, I don't give a shit.

Let's find the book.

[squelching]

I might actually say

it was the
most fulfilling relationship

- I've been in.
- Jesus Christ!

Are you gettin' sentimental?

Where was that
when we were dating?

You fell in love with me
when I was famous.

When I looked like this.
[chuckles]

Bethany fell in love with me

when I was just
a square-looking barback

with not a lot of prospects.

Uh, that wasn't the real you!

[shouting] You had forgotten
what a piece of shit you are!

I can't believe
you were ever a therapist.

I'm starting to wonder,

did I screw
something up good

with me and Bethany?

Probably not.

Just seeing you toss away
your chance at Ivy has...

has got me thinking
about my own love life.

I mean, I don't wanna
biff it like you did.

Hey! I told Ivy
how I felt,

and she didn't feel that way.
[shouting] And end of story!

Water under the bridge!

Right. Right.

[sarcastically] The screaming about
it at the mere mention of her name

certainly backs that up.

[screeching in distance]

Fuck, yeah!

[snoring]

Look at these hideous monsters.

Oh, Bethany and I
used to cuddle just like that.

God, we could just
sit on the couch

and talk about nothing
for hours.

We just got each other.

She always had my back.

[sentimental music playing]

Good God!

That's true love.

Then you can't just give up.

Love's a risk.

It may not always
go in your favor,

but if it's true love,

you have to fight for it.

[belches]

That is foul.

Ugh! Let's get
the hell outta here.

[suspenseful music playing]

[growling]

Maybe it's T. rex rules.

If we don't move,
they can't see us.

[screeching]

Yeah. I'm pretty sure
they can see us.

[growling and screeching]

[grunts]

I can't run
in fucking wingtips.

[screeching]

[dramatic music playing]

[shrieks]

[Joker yelps]

[shrieks]

[screeching]

[Joker grunts]

[both panting]

[screeching]

Nice knowin' ya, Mistah J.

[screeching]

[dramatic music playing]

So, you're all
in league with Psycho,

and you've
gotten back with Joker.

Oh for two, idiot.

Jesus, Bats.

Your time out of the game

has really made your
detective skills go to shit.

[Batman] I doubt that.

[Harley] We're trying
to save the city.

Psycho's mind-controlled
my crew

and all the parademons.

And, in order to stop him,

we're trying
to free the Justice League

- from Queen of Fables' book.
- Oh.

[growls] Oh!
That is not the book.

What? Then the actual book is...

[shouting] Still at Bethany's!

Looks like we're
takin' a detour to suburbia.

Bats, tell Zatanna
to meet us there,

and bring her wand.

- Who's Bethany?
- My girlfriend.

- What?
- My ex-girlfriend!

I'll explain on the way.

[screeching]

Okay. You're tellin' me

that Harley and Joker

were in the goddamn nest,

but escaped
with Batman?

[screeching]

And, they're headed east
in the fuckin' Batplane?

- [screeches]
- Northeast. Whatever.

Shit! What the hell
are we gonna do?

Batman was supposed

- to be out of commission!
- [crashing]

Hey, Psycho!

You tiny-dicked asshole.

I was tryin'
to just sit this one out,

but you screwed with
my goddamn wedding.

So, either ground
your goddamn parademons

until the "I do's" are done,

- or so help me...
- Oh!

Actually, I'm so happy
you came, Ivy.

I was really
in need of a friend.

[whirring]

[Batman] So, you,
the Joker,

were in a relationship
with a nurse practitioner.

Technically,
she was in nursing school.

And you professed
your love to Ivy.

Ugh! Still don't know
why you brought that up.

Oh, my God!
It came up organically.

It would've been awkward
if I didn't say anything.

Look, we need to get that book
before Psycho kills us all.

No.
This is mine to do.

[knocking]

Didn't I tell you
to fuck off and get lost?

Yes. Yes, you most definitely
said both of those things,

but, um...

I just can't stay away, Beth.

You know, I thought
I had the perfect life

before I met you.

Maiming, killing,
causing general chaos.

I thought I had it all.

But, now, I realize...

I was missing something.

Love is what
makes life worth living.

So, Joker went through some
changes over the last few months.

I don't wanna blow
what could be a great thing.

Like a friend of mine did.

I still have the remote
to blow up your fuckin' head.

I wanna give this a shot.

Speaking in Spanish...

[gasps] Oh, baby!

We need that book.

Jesus! Read the fucking room!

[suspenseful music playing]

[both gasp]

[weakly] Thank Hera!

That place was hell.

[softly] They made us listen
to the same songs

[breath shudders]
over and over again.

[trembling] Too soft.
Too hard. Never just right.

Never just right.

So, in summary,

we have to take down
the parademon army

and get to Dr. Psycho.

No time to waste!

[grunting and groaning]
Sorry! It's been a minute.

I should probably
get back to Central City.

[groans]

I'll go make some coffee.

So, is this your new life?

You're gonna go coach
a little league team

and get ice cream
after the game?

[chuckles] No!

Little Benicio's
lactose-intolerant.

Look, lots of dads
are serial killers.

I'm not gonna change
who I am.

I just have
a better reason to kill.

I am in love!
[laughing]

Now, it's your turn.

I told you, I tried.
It didn't work.

Ivy said no.

Are you prepared
to live with that?

I'm prepared for anything.

Ivy! What're you
doing here?

I've got something
to tell you.

I am going to kill you.

[dramatic music playing]

- Damn! That shit was tense.
- [groans]

See, now,
this show is a comedy

that combines both humor
and dramatic tension.

- Can I get a Chiron?
- [buzzer sounds]

See you all next week.

Same Frank time,

same Frank channel.

I'm gonna get some popcorn
in anticipation.

Hey, Chaz.
Hook a brother up!

- [laughs]
- [slurping]

[spits] There's butter on this!

[shouting] What the fuck, Chaz?

I'm watchin' my cholesterol.

[Theme music playing]

Sync corrections by srjanapala