Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Dye Hard - full transcript

How can he call himself Batman
if he's not part bat?

He's just a dude who
dresses up like a bat.

That's animal appropriation.

Hey, everybody!
How was Kite Man's
bachelor party?

I got married and saved
the Oceanic Trade Federation.

Other than that,
pretty chill.

How was Ivy's
bachelorette bash?

It was great. It was so great.
Emotionally low stakes,
you know.

I had a great time.
Ivy had a great time.
We slept in separate beds...

Normal bachelorette stuff.
So, yeah...

Well, hey! I'm just,
I'm ready to
keep the party going!



Who wants to get a drink
with me? One or two? Or a few
drinks? Or a lot of drinks?

Drink so much we forget
the last 48 hours
or maybe more?

Oh. I'd love to but
I gotta be with my wife,
Tabitha.

Sunday's are big at her family.

They are very religious,
seeing as how Jesus
was really a shark.

What about you, Clayface?

I, too, am spending
this evening with a paramour.

His name is Tony.

And he's the only award show
that matters.

Okay, have fun, guys...

A landlord always knows
two things:

when an oven's busted, 'cause
ya can't charge rent without
a working oven...

and when a tenant's blue.

So, spill it, hon,



or I could get my torture kit?

It's just, everybody's got
somebody special
in their lives,

-except me...
-So what?

You don't need a lover
to be happy.

Do the thing
that makes you happy.

Life is about feeding
your soul!

Yeah, no. I'm just gonna
go out and boink the fuck
out of somebody.

Let's get this
party started, bitches!

Harley Quinn's here
and she's down to clown!

Do you have a reservation?

-Um, no.
-You'll have to clown
at the bar, then.

Room for Squares is,
of course, a classic,

but it's really John Mayer's
third album when he solidified
the John Mayer sound.

So, my place or yours?

Actually, I'm just gonna
stop talking to you right now.

God. The guys
in this place suck.

Yeah, well, they beat the food.

But what do you expect
from a Wayne?

That's the first funny thing
a guy's said to me all night.

If you like that,
I got plenty more jokes.

You gotta be fuckin'
kiddin' me.

I want a squad of men
and a single woman

over to the oil refinery
district, ASAP.

Those Parademon bastards
are chugging down oil like
a desperate teen to Benadryl.

Then send another unit,
same gender ratio, to Gotham Park.

And a third crew to... Jesus!

Those hell-rats are
spreading faster than
chlamyd' on my knob!

-Where, sir?
-My privates! Where else
would an STD spread?

I meant where do you want
the third squad, sir?

Oh. The harbor.

-Commissioner, sir!
This came for you.
-Oh!

Gotta be the new
Dave Barry book I ordered.

Every time I read
this guy's stuff I'm like...
"That's pretty funny."

The Dark Knight needs me.

Oh! He remembered.

Jim, get in.

No, don't go
in, Magnum.

Oh. It's you.

I thought ya left the crew.

I'm so sorry, I would've called
but I never got
your phone number.

-Oh, well, mine's 203--
-Don't care.

I'm gonna get my stuff
and head out.

So you're really gonna
just leave Harley

after everything
she did for you?

Okay look, I'm in
a very zen place, and we
have very different goals.

I wanna trounce the skulls
of my fallen foes, and

she wants to... I don't know,
do whatever someone with
a moral compass does.

You ungrateful little shit!

You leave the dance
with the one you brought!

-Riddle me this--
-Oh, shut the fuck up!

Can't you see I'm trying to
elegantly end this conversation

with this mechanical fossil?

Good luck getting out again,
fuck head!

Alright, so I fortified
the shackles on
that hamster wheel.

It's basically impenetrable.

Feed him at 5:00, shock him
at 7:00. Maybe a snack at 9:00
if he's good.

Have fun dying alone,
you fuckin' freak!

Smell ya later, old man.

Jiminy, you look familiar.
Do I know you?

No! No, no, I have
a very common look.

Oh, I remember you
from Noonan's!

You probably don't remember me
because I was
a low-rent barback,

and now I'm an upscale
bartender.

It's a meteoric rise virtually
unheard of in this industry.

Hey! Wait, hold on.
Can I offer you
a Wayne fashioned?

It's like an old fashioned,
but more expensive.

Ya think all ya gotta do
is buy me one
spirit-forward drink

and I'll go gushy for ya?

Uh, not gonna happen.

Whoa, to be clear,
I'm not trying to hit on you.

I'm unbelievably happy
with my wonderful girlfriend.

Mmm, sweet as pie.

Why couldn't you
have just died?

Gosh, I love her.
And our kids.

Well, you know, her kids,
but gosh darn it if they don't
feel like mine, y'know?

I don't know,
and I don't need to know.

All I know is, right now,
you're the last person
I wanna be around!

-I'm hittin' a different bar.
-Hoo, boy. Good luck.

Every watering hole around here
has been infested
with Parademons,

except this one
on account of the...

...bulletproof glass.

Yep, the top of Wayne tower
is the safest bar in town.

Hey, everybody!

Sorry to alarm you,
but you're in a hostile
hostage situation.

Hi, how are you doing?

Geez, Nicholas.
Not that hostile.

I'm sorry, everyone,
it's his first day.

Hey, where are you going?

I've read your best chance
of survival is
giving up easily.

Yeah, normally, I'd go
beat the shit out of 'em,

but I'm havin' a night
and wanna be able
to return this dress.

So, you're just gonna escape?

Uh, yeah. I'm not spending
my big night out here,

- and certainly not with the likes of you.
- -Oh, sugar.

We got a wild one.

You gotta be kidding me.

Look, bud, all
we're asking is that you
release the swanky hostages.

Not gonna happen until I get
$50 million!

I'll wire it to you right now!
Please!

Hold your horses,
I wasn't done.

But let's defiantly
sidebar after.

Also, gonna need a
W76-2 nuclear warhead

on a Trident II D5 missile...

I'm a military contractor.
You can have it.
Just don't shoot!

Wow. Okay.
Well, you know,
while we're here...

I'm also gonna need a pair of
game-worn Air Jordan 2 OG's.

Would ya stop starin' at me?

Sorry, it's just...

this is gonna sound crazy,
but...

since we're not going anywhere
anytime soon...

after the first time we met,
I had a dream about you!

-Boy was it wacky.
-Wacky how?

We were on a yacht
with these bankers.

And get this:
we were a couple! Right?

Us? No way!

That bleached skin gives me
the heebie-jeebies.

It's gross. I mean, no offense!

But in the dream,
I was so filled with rage,

I robbed the bankers.

-You didn't set them on fire,
did you?
-Wait. You had the same dream?

-Freaaaky.
-Yes!

A dream. Never happened.
Pure fiction. Not canon.
Ignore it.

It's like meeting you
triggered some...

Well, darn it,
it felt like a past life!

Funny, huh?

-What are you doing?
-Jesus Christ, I'm getting us
the fuck out of here.

Please don't use
the Lord's name in vain.

How much do you weigh?

I did a Paleo November,
and now I'm fitting into
my skinny cords.

-So, I'm guessing around 170--
-Uh! Never mind.

This! Night! Sucks!

Um, I think you just
straight up killed that guy
back there.

-Do you wanna
talk about it, or--
-No.

Are you sure? My girlfriend
says I'm a good listener.
Sometimes too good.

On what occasion would that be?
Because you have not
shut the fuck up all night!

It just seems to me
like you have
something going on.

Trust me, you're not
someone I can
talk to about this.

Why not? A bartender
is basically like a therapist.

So, come on!

-I told my best friend
I love her!
-There it is.

But she doesn't trust me enough
to love me back.

You can't love
without trust.

I thought I was fine
bein' alone after
my relationship with Jok...

esph... fina... stein.

Joksephfinastein?
Sounds Flemish.

No one knew his backstory.
Anyway, he was a total
abusive dick,

hell-bent on utter destruction
and the world's better off
without him!

You go, girl!
Having a good vent
in a literal vent. Come on!

Keep on going!

This sucks.
I'm not even doing anything.

That's not true.
You get to hit the button.

But I wanna fly the plane.

Be a part of the action!
At least let me shoot
a sweet missile.

Okay. It takes years
of training to expertly control
the Batplane.

-But, Batman, I wanna!
-Alfred, this is ridiculous.

Why don't you let me
go out there already?

Your city needs you healed,
Master Bruce.

I won't allow you to
return to action prematurely,
again.

Besides, it's only Parademons.

It's too hot.

-You could wait, Master Wayne.
-Yes, Alfred...

I could.

Huh?

Batman! Are you seeing this?
Gunfire at Wayne Tower.

Come on, big guy!
Give papa some action.

Fine.
Don't scratch the paint.

Booya!

I just feel so alone
without Ivy!

I mean, sure, there are
some things I could've
done differently. Okay!

At the end of the day,
she broke up with me
'cause I'm too impulsive

and I go around
'causing messes and
never clean 'em up.

-Aw! Doesn't it feel good
just to say it out loud?
-No!

-Harley? Well, well, well...
-Riddler?

...if it isn't
the simple clown herself.

-How did you--
-Get here?

Well, I escaped the mall.

Then, I orchestrated
a hostage situation upstairs
as a distraction,

so I could sneak in here
to grab this baby.

-Classic misdirect.
-Yeah, yeah, great.
But, I was gonna say,

-how did ya get so buff?
-Hmm?

Oh. Spending every waking
moment running on that hamster
wheel gets you shredded.

I mean,
check out these quads...
wait, wait, wait.

Is that Joker?

Oh, my, you think
I look like the Joker?

Nope, no! He's just a bartender
who gives great,
non-judgmental advice.

Well, either way,
you're both gonna die.

Sure, I moved back
to Gotham to see 'em,

-but what if my kids
don't want to see me?
-Don't say that, Carl.

Yeah, but it's been seven
long years. I left 'em when
they needed me most.

You can't keep
blaming yourself
for the past.

You need to forget.

Maybe they're better off
without me.

Tuck in any fingers
you wanna keep!

-Oh. What'd that do?
-I don't know.

Oh, no. Carl, I'm so sorry...

It's a cancer ray.

Harley Quinn,
you gave me cancer?

Why would they even make this?

Well, that's it, Kev.
I'm gonna go spend the holidays
with my kids.

I'm so sorry!

No, no, please.
Please, please... Ow!

No.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no!

Ow!

My blood sugar
must be crashing.

Is there a vending machine
around here?

Did you kill another person?

Let's just chopper out of here.

All that gratuitous violence.
Yuck.

This is why
I don't like TV today.

Violence ups
the dramatic effect.

I got enough drama in my life.

Just once, I'd like to watch
something where two people
fall in love,

and experience
no complications whatsoever.

Oh, and they don't have sex
till they're married.

Oh, my gosh, Batman?

Harley Quinn! And...

It's the Joker.

I did it!

I took down Batman's archenemy!
On my own.

Papa for the win!

Gordo?

Good to see ya, buddy!

What's happening?
Don't leave me in here!

- Please, I don't like
small spaces!

I knew it was only a matter
of time until you two psychos
started knocking boots again.

What? No. Uh! See, he's...

Never mind, I'll explain later.

Harley! We came as soon as
we got your text.

Indeed! I paused the Tonys
and I'm DVRing it,

so no one tell me who won
Best Lighting in a Musical.

It was Howell Binkley,
wasn't it?

When's Japhy Weideman
going to get his day in
the fucking sun!

-I didn't text anyone.
-Then who did?

Swole!

Did ya just run up
18 flights?

Uh, try 19 and a half.

How did you escape
Psycho's fortified jail?

And get so hot
without us knowing?

Here ya go, pal.

You know what, I lied.
I did have your phone number.

I actually had
everyone's phone number!

And I was the one
who texted you all!

How dare you?

Yep! And get this...

we actually like each other.
A lot.

You were working for Riddler
all along.

-Um, actually...
-He's with me.

You're dating Riddler?

Quel scandale!

Okay, we're not fucking!

-We're together!
-I see.

Not using labels yet, are we?

Too new, is it?
Lot of changes, Psycho.

Dating, hooking up,
"baring ass."

Call it what you will,
I'm proud of you for
finally being who you are.

We're in a business partnership
based on mutual respect, idiot.

And you know what,
he doesn't belittle me
like you did, Quinn.

How did I belittle you?

You never recognized my talent!

You never let me shine!

And also,
you hated working for a woman.

Okay, also I hated
working for a woman!
But who cares?

So, you and Ninja Turtle Calves
are gonna fight us? Oh, please.

You're a tiny man
in a silly tinfoil hat.

All right, here we go!

Maybe your gal-pal Ivy
can help!

You wanna call her, maybe?

No, I don't wanna get her
wrapped up in this
'cause this...

This is a very strong example

of one of those messes I make
I was tellin' you about.

This "tinfoil hat"

amplifies brainwaves,

supercharging my mind powers.

And with this bad boy,
plus my new hobby of
guided meditation,

I can control every
Parademon in the city.

Oh, I see. He's doin'
my old plan of
takin' over Gotham

to team up with Darkseid
and rule the Earth.

Then I'm gonna
take over Gotham

- and team up with Dark--
- She just said that.

Shit! Fuck.

The point is, I'm gonna do
what you never could,

because you are a pussy.

Pussies are powerful.
They birthed all of humanity!

I was a C-Section.

Bring it on!
I'm hungry for Parademons!

Stage combat!

Get me outta here! Not...

This one! This one...

Wow. It's like straight steel.

What's black, blue,
and red all over?

Your ass when I beat it!

I guess
when the abs get harder,
the riddles get dumber.

Bring it, bitch.

I've got this, boys.

And it's all you.

Give up, Psycho,
and maybe I'll let you live

as one of those orphans
that builds Wayneboxes.

Uh... I'm gonna pass!

You thought this would be
a fair fight?

You're going down!

Why didn't it work
on the old timer?

Same reason I can't go
to the airport:

metal plates, baby!

God, you're old. Whatever.
I'll kill you too.

Why don't you just brainwash me
and end this?

Oh, but where's the pizazz
in that?

It's way more fun
to torture you with
everything you love.

This right here is exactly why
you're a terrible supervillain.

You know what,
for too long I've been
looked at as a joke,

but when I'm through,
people are gonna respect
the name Dr. Psycho!

With Batman and
the Justice League gone,

Gotham was yours
for the taking, Harley.

But you couldn't do it.

You know,
I should thank you, Harley.

If you never made me feel
so small, I never would've
known how big I could be.

Quinn, God I hate you,

but I need your help.

If we can break through
the dome we can escape
in the Batplane.

Can't you just use
a bat-missile?

Yeah. We could,
but sometimes I just don't
feel like it.

Or I don't wanna.

All right, I'm not allowed
to use them.

-I'll do it.
I'll break through the dome.
-What?

Sy, that's suicide!

Harley, dear, I'll admit,

when you left the mall
earlier tonight, I did not
expect to be in this position.

-But it's a gift!
-Sy, you're...

You're standing.

This is me
feeding my soul, baby.

Nothing would make me fuller
than saving your tuchis

and helping you take down
that angry little shvants
in a tux.

I never liked that one.

He's gonna kill all of us
if you don't stop talking.

Oh.

You were the best landlord
I've ever had.

You always fixed our oven
so fast,

and you never judged me
no matter how many times

I flushed my tampons
down the toilet.

As long as you've got this,
you've always got a friend.

Hey, Psycho!

Thousands of years ago,
my people, the Maccabees,

prayed for oil to last
when they needed it most.

Unlucky for you,
that very same oil
runs through my veins

today!

Yes! I mean darn.

Ah, those Parademons took out
the communications system.

No more autopilot!
Buckle up, Quinn.

Papa's about to earn himself
some wings.

I regret lots of things!

Fuck!

Okay, that was
the plane's fault.

We need to take
Psycho down, now.

Who knows how much damage
he can do with that helmet?

Yeah, but how? It'd take, like,
the entire Justice League
to stop him.

I had a dream about them, too.

This is gonna sound crazy
but they were stuck in a book.

-What did ya just say?
-Yeah. It was
this Book of Fables?

Yeah! Queen of Fables.
How did you know that?

Was in one of my dreams.
I held a book

with the entire
Justice League in it.

But, you know,
then I woke up and
I don't remember the rest.

Weird!

Gordon, I need you
to drop us off somewhere.

There's a lot of
powerful memories here.

Is this your hideout?

It's not very cozy.
Let me call Beth.

She has family in Central City.
We could stay there

till this whole mess
blows over.

Just me, Beth, the kids,
and my new pal Harley Quinn.

Nah, no, no, Ivy was right.
I keep makin' messes.

I brought in the Parademons.
I took in Psycho.
I caused all of this.

I can't keep runnin'
from my messes.

And the way I see it,
cleanup starts with

gettin' the Justice League
out of that storybook.

The storybook is real?
Where is it?

I don't know,
but I think you do.

Are you sure
you can't just remember?

It's like I see the book,
but...

everything else is cloudy.

That's disappointing because
I really, really, really,
don't wanna have to do this.

Do what?

I'll be seein' ya soon,
Mistah J.