Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Bachelorette - full transcript

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

- [AIRPLANE WHOOSHING]
- [BIRD SQUAWKING]

[PILOT] Thank you for flying
Apollonian Airlines.

We are beginning our
final descent into Themyscira.

Please make sure your
baggage is properly stowed.

A friendly reminder
that any man who dares

enter the island will
be killed on arrival.

- [HARLEY] Ah!
- [PILOT] Enjoy your visit.

Here's your crown, here's your sash.

Here's a reusable penis
straw made of recycled metals,

and its cleaning wand
and a carrying pouch.



Look at you, makin' your
list, checkin' it twice.

You only get bachelorette
weekend-ed once!

I'm gonna check on the other girls.

Mrs. Freeze in da house!

You ready for the best
weekend of your life?

Don't waste your breath.

I know I'm just a pity invite
because you killed my husband.

Technically he killed himself.

But you still came.

That means you're open
to having a good time.

Well, not really.

But I've never been to an
all-female island before.

Seems like it'll be great for crying.

Hey, Jen!



[CHUCKLES] It's Jennifer.

Ah, so glad you could
make it from Michigan.

Must be hard leaving your four kids.

Would've been easier if
I was the maid of honor.

You know, Ivy and I went
to kindergarten together

and we always said we'd be
each other's maids of honor.

- [CHUCKLES]
- So cool.

So special. [GASPS]

Wow, gross, that must happen a lot.

[GASPS]

[JENNIFER] Ah.

- This is free, right?
- Yep, cheers.

Ugh. Why did I pay for first
class if you're just gonna

- burst in here.
- The curtain's invisible.

I'm just makin' sure you
have everything you need.

Can I show you how to
wash your reusable straw?

You have two minutes
until my Ambien kicks in.

But we're about to land.

Mmm-hmm, I'm trying to catnap through

as much of this weekend as possible.

Everyone's ready to party! [WHOOPING]

I'm so excited for
you to marry Kite Man.

Me, too. I mean, I love him, you know.

And I love him!

Ugh! I mean, if you didn't
marry Kite Man, I would!

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, 1,000%.

I'm gonna set you up for
the best marriage ever

by making your bachelorette party

the best weekend of your life!

- [HARLEY SNIFFS]
- [POISON IVY CLEARS THROAT]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

_

[POISON IVY] Wow. This is the most
beautiful place I've ever seen.

Themyscira Resort works
with the natural landscape.

It's so you.

Okay! We're here.

Everyone out of the invisible van!

[YAWNS]

Harley! I'm Eris, the resort manager.

We spoke on the phone.

I hope you ladies are
ready for the VIP treatment.

This all feels like oddly corporate

for the Amazons.

I mean, they don't seem like the type

to offer soap concierge.

Oh, Svetlana knows her suds.

The economy has been booming
since Wonder Woman disappeared,

and Queen Hippolyta brought me on

to keep that momentum going.

Hope and Mercy here will
escort you to your suites.

Take lots of pics and
don't forget to tag us.

Itineraries are in your rooms.

Everyone meet in the lobby
in 20 for our spa treatments.

I have never seen you with a clipboard.

I mean, I'm... I'm
like impressed with it,

but it's also kinda freaking me out.

It's all for you,
Poison Bridey. [CHUCKLES]

How excited are you to
party with all your besties?

Uh, look, I know this
isn't like a friend group

so much as, like, a disparate
collection of strange women

I glommed on to during the most

difficult stages of my life, so...

You deserve a fun girls' trip.

And so do they.

I already took the safe
out of Catwoman's room,

I had Mrs. Freeze's AC turned way up,

and I know Jen doesn't like fish, so...

I said don't call me Jen.

[JENNIFER CHUCKLES]

Harley, you have obviously put

a lot of planning into this trip,

which just doesn't seem like you.

Is everything okay?

Of course it is.

I'm the maid of honor to
the hottest bride on Earth.

Thanks. For everything.

[SIGHS]

I'm truly embarrassed for you.

- What?
- This whole sweaty maid of honor routine,

too many thoughtful details.

You two hooked up.

What? No! Me? Her? No, never.

Stop denying it.

[GROANS] Fine, yes! We kissed. Okay?

[SIGHS] Feels so great
to say that out loud.

It's really been weighing on me.

Thanks for saying something.
I really need a confidante.

I am not here to support you.

I do not want to talk about this again.

Sure, sure, I may have feelings,

but I'm not gonna act on them. I mean,

neither of us wants that.
They'll fade over time.

That's what feelings
are known for doing.

Neither of us wants that!

Why don't you say it
one more time to be sure?

[CLAYFACE] Oh! I have
almost finished the border.

Hey! That's part of the other cloud.

Do not force puzzle pieces.

Look at the cover of the fucking box.

King, what are you doing in the cabin?

I thought the open sea was your home.

It was my home,

but I left for unspecified reasons,

the origins of which

I choose not to get into right now.

Well, hey, this is a bachelor party.

The Wi-Fi's a little slow,

but I think I have some tunes
downloaded on my phone here.

No.

Just the score to Big Momma's House 2.

Heavens to Betsy.

A rogue lobster just scuttled aboard.

[YELPS] Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no! I'm not ready for this.

Nanaue! I have searched
the seven seas for you.

No! No, no, no!

It's a talking lobster.

Have you ever seen anything
as crazy as a lobster talking?

Who is this Nanaue?

King, you okay? Do you
owe this lobster money?

[KING SHARK] I wish
that's all I owed him.

I told you guys I didn't
want to leave the marina.

[SAMSON] I and I been
looking for you for months.

Your father needs you.

The Hammerheads, they
won't sign the trade deal.

If the Federation crumbles,
it will start a war.

You must come home and marry Tabitha,

for the safety and livelihood
of your entire kingdom.

What about what I want?

What are you saying?

You are Nanaue.

Is this an elaborate
prelude to mermaid strippers?

I said I did not want strippers.

No. [GROANS]

My father is king of the Shark Kingdom

and I was heir to the throne,

but I didn't want an arranged marriage.

So I ran.

And now it's time for you to shark up.

- Come, quickly!
- He's with us now.

So you can go back to Shark Kingdom.

[CLAYFACE GASPS AND GROANS]

You should listen to the lobster.

I'll come with you, Samson,

but only to tell off my
father once and for all.

Don't finish the puzzle
without me, guys.

It would be a betrayal.

That was weird.

How was your snorkeling
lesson, Mrs. Freeze?

[MRS. FREEZE] I'm starving.

When's our table gonna be ready?

Ugh. These patio heaters don't work.

Ugh. Small talk makes me claustrophobic.

Tell Ivy I said happy... [SCREECHES]

[HARLEY] Listen up, you picky bitches!

This weekend isn't about
what you want to do or not do!

Get off it, Harley. You suck at this.

Fuck you, Jennifer!

This is about having
the time of our lives

to prove to Ivy that we are excited

- for her marriage!
- [JENNIFER GROANING]

So, when our bride comes
back from changing her tampon,

you better participate,

you better smile, and
you better start drinking

like your life depends on it!

- I don't drink.
- I don't care!

This vegan golden apple pate is divine.

[WOODENLY] I don't miss the meat.

Me too, totally the best.

I haven't even thought
about my dead husband once.

Only my happiness for Ivy.

Yay. Cheers to Ivy.

And to Harley,

for making this whole
weekend possible, I guess.

To having fun on our girls' trip.

Wow. Every one of my awful
friends are having fun.

You have done the impossible.

Oh, can you toast again for the camera?

I want to post it to our sosh meed.

Really? I thought this whole
thing was like a secret island.

Oh, it was.

But now it will be a
premier resort destination

for A-Listers only.

Hadids and above.

Right, right.

And, Your Majesty, how
do you feel about that?

I am very onboard with this.

Um, what the fuck is
wrong with the Queen?

Meh! Cultures change.

Who wants to look at a dessert menu?

Is there anything to do
around here besides relax?

Oh, of course.

There's a restorative
waterfall, a wilderness hike,

and just a ferry ride away

there's a tiny island called Hedonikka.

- It has men and they...
- We're doing that.

Look, I'm only here to tell my dad no.

And maybe pick up some lunch.

Nanaue, I've known you
since the day you was born

in the bosom of the ocean.

Down here is your home.

Mmm-mmm. I'm a land shark now.

I have land friends, and a land life.

There are so many rules on land.

Nothing beats deep-sea living.

Oh, really? Name one
thing that's better.

Just one?

I can think of many.

♪ The sea plants are always brighter ♪

♪ 'Cause they're fertilized with shit ♪

♪ A land life constrained by toilets ♪

- ♪ Now that really is the pits ♪
- It's not bad.

♪ But when you got the ocean floor ♪

♪ You don't have to wipe no more ♪

- Ugh!
- ♪ Don't fuss with TP ♪

♪ When you go peepee ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ You've never had a cleaner ass ♪

♪ Than when you're pooping like a bass ♪

Oh, hey, Franklin.

♪ Octopus ink all day ♪

♪ The blots they float away ♪

♪ Look at the seahorse
he feels no recourse ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

Dave, I haven't seen you in years.

♪ Check out this grouper ♪

♪ Poops like a trouper ♪

♪ And this pink flounder ♪

♪ Using the ground here ♪

Are there other parts of your argument

besides being able to
defecate wherever you want?

♪ No one will notice ♪

♪ Not that sea lotus ♪

♪ It is all chill here ♪

♪ We all eat krill here ♪

I love krill.

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ No need to wash your hands ♪

♪ You can just run them in the sands ♪

- [LAUGHS]
- ♪ There are no bathrooms ♪

♪ It's all a bathroom beneath the sea ♪

Okay! I get it!

There's poop everywhere!

Look. That was a very
compelling argument,

with impressive choreography,

but I remain unconvinced.

Well, how about this?

If you don't get married,

hundreds of thousands will die,

and most likely lead to the extinction

of two proud shark bloodlines.

Okay, see, that feels like

what the song should've been about.

Mmm. It's more difficult
to find rhyming patterns

with that subject matter.

Okay, I'll consider marrying Tabitha,

but only to stop the two
families from warring.

Not because I can shit
anywhere in the ocean.

Call the Federation.

The wedding is on!

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTING]

That's what I'm talkin' about.

- _
- [ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Ladies of the Aeagean Islands!

Put your hands together

and welcome the God of War

to the stage!

[WHOOPING]

Yeah, baby!

Oh, my God!

I can see the outline of his penis!

[WHOOPING]

This is the best night of my life!

[YELLS]

[MRS. FREEZE MOANING]

Oh, shit! Cobb Squad reunion!

Remember when you two met?

Let's get "Cobb Squad" tattoos.

Oh, my God, let's do that.

- We're all getting matching tattoos!
- [CATWOMAN GROANS]

I know you made everyone pretend to

get along at the restaurant, you know,

but, like, now they actually are.

You did that. You always
go the extra mile for me.

I'm your best friend.

You are my best friend.

[SNORING]

Oh, shit.

Piss cakes of a dick.

[GROANS] All right, listen to me.

We shouldn't have done this.
We should not have done this.

The mind-blowing orgasmic
sex or the staying over?

[POISON IVY] The all of it.

- The all of it.
- Right, of course. And, you know,

we don't want it to happen again...

No! No! No, we do not. Never.

Obviously. That would be awkward

and derail future plans. Plus, you know,

- there's no room in the itinerary for...
- [DOOR OPENS]

We made another mistake.

No big deal, we were
drunk. We're friends!

We have a working relationship.
We can get past this.

- It's gonna be fine.
- Oh, good morning, Poison...

- I need to get out of here.
- She needs to get out of here.

Wait, what? Are you... Are you sure?

So sorry, but there's no
way off the island today.

The invisible plane is out
picking up some investors.

Well, is there an invisible boat?

Or a visible boat? Is
there a fucking fisherman?

- A trawler?
- Yes, look for boats.

Oh, unfortunately, no.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

[SIGHS] Harley, I fucked up, okay?

I will be in my room
until this weekend is over.

[KING SHARK HUMMING]

Huh?

You wouldn't happen to be Tabitha?

Yup. You must be my betrothed.

I didn't think you'd show.

Yeah, they came and found me.

Then they sang me the song.

Did they sing you the song?

- I live the song.
- Wait.

I'm picking up some vibes

that maybe you don't
want to get married to me.

What gave it away?

The fact that I've
managed to chain-smoke

even though I'm underwater?

[FANFARE PLAYING]

Son, you've finally come home.

Hi, King Daddy.

Now, let's get this show on the road.

Where's the bride?

Daddy, I have some bad news.

She doesn't wanna get married.

And neither do I.

- What?
- [CROWD GASPS]

Hmm. Wild night, huh?

Oh. Nothing gets by your cat instincts.

Or through paper-thin walls.

I messed up.

The feelings didn't go
away, now Ivy's upset.

You've known her the
longest. What should I do?

Don't look at me.

- Jennifer's known her the longest.
- [JENNIFER GROANING]

See you at brunch, Harls.

[POISON IVY] I... I need
to be alone right now.

Ivy, look. You're here,
you're queer, get used to it.

Let's enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Harley, that was a huge mistake, okay?

And nothing like that
can ever happen again.

Totally. Look, the first
time we'd just escaped jail.

The second time we were
drunk. It's a two-time thing.

Well, a four-time thing
within a two-time thing.

[SIGHS] Look, your
friends came all this way

to spend time with you.

Plus, I still have a
very fun surprise planned.

The Crown Jewel of the weekend!

Come on, Ive. The weekend
can't end like this.

I wanted it to be perfect for you.

We'll forget last night ever happened.

Yeah, I... I'll come out.

Let me just... Let me put on a bra.

Here, it... it was in my room.

[JENNIFER] Ugh. I'm so hungover.

I need another mimosa, I think.

All right, ladies, I
have a big surprise.

Are we going back to the strip club?

I left my fanny pack.

No, someone stole it.

Anyway, Eris, the hotel manager,

is actually an enemy of the Amazons.

She possessed the Queen,

and is using her to sell Themyscira

to Lex Luthor so he can put on

an upscale lifestyle and music festival.

He's already shipping
the port-a-potties.

- And we're gonna kill Eris.
- Yes!

Which will save this beautiful island

and its natural resources.

You know, environment shit.

I've been scoping this out for weeks.

- Yep. I love it.
- Really?

Yes, obviously!

Why didn't you tell us sooner, woman?

I wanted you to enjoy
the spa facilities first.

Yeah, night one we enjoy the resort,

and night two we destroy it.

Oh, my God. Harley, this
is so thoughtful of you.

Like, it's exactly my
taste. It's like my thing.

Murder? I don't know. I
work in life insurance.

These are bottomless, right?

Okay, let's kill her.

What are you doing?

What I should've done when I left...

Finally standing up to my father.

Dad, I've made a good life for myself.

I have friends that I'm so important to

they won't even finish a puzzle
they're working on until I get back.

Do you understand that type of bond?

So I will marry when I'm in love.

No shark of mine marries for love.

I can't share a clamshell

with someone who doesn't even know me.

No offense, Tabitha.

Uh, I don't wanna share
one with your ass either.

Nanaue,

if you leave my kingdom again,

you can never return.

Then this is goodbye, Father.

[GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION]

And one last thing.

I like pooping in the toilet!

[CROWD GASPS]

The shame of it.

Ready to officially unite
Themyscira and LexCorp?

Well, it's not like Wonder Woman's
gonna come and save them.

I wish I could be there to
consummate this marriage in person,

but... [GROANS] Little Lexi's sick.

[LEXI COUGHS]

Sign here, Queen, and
we'll all get rich.

Well, everyone except you.

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, sad.

- [POISON IVY] Hey!
- [ERIS] What the...

Selling out the Amazons to Luthor?

You're gonna have to
take that shit up with...

The Cobb Squad!

Wait, are you... Did
no one else get one?

- Jennifer?
- Uh...

[YELLS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GROANS] You hit me in the tit.

Sign here, date here. It's the 16th.

- [JENNIFER GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]

Eris, get the contract!

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

Harley on your right!
No, no, your other right!

My right!

How do I close this window?

Ah! It's in full-screen
mode. Shit. [GROANS]

Which HDMI port did you use?

- [HARLEY GRUNTS]
- [JENNIFER PANTING]

- [JENNIFER GRUNTS]
- [ERIS GROANS]

This is for selling out
nature and women and...

Not having bottomless mimosas.

[PANTS]

What happened?

You were possessed by Eris.

She turned your island into a resort.

This is Themyscira?

Yeah. And Harley Quinn saved the day.

With the rest of the Cobb Squad.

Very well.

We shall celebrate the
Cobb Squad's victory

in the ancient tradition of the Amazons.

We're gonna have a fucking rager?

We're going to have a fucking rager.

- [WOMEN CHEERING]
- [JENNIFER WHOOPING]

[BOTH GROAN]

Are you having fun?

I'm just glad you talked
me into coming back out.

You know, it's like, aside
from the horrible mistake

that we made earlier, this
has been my dream vacation.

I mean, relaxation, partying, murder.

I mean, man,

you know me better than anyone.

You're easy to celebrate.

And you're fun to celebrate with.

[SNORING]

- Oh, shit, fuck!
- Oh, double fuck.

Oh, for the ding of fuck nuts!

I can't... What is wro...

How can I fuckin'...

Oh, my God. We have talked about this.

We cannot do this again.

We just said that we weren't gonna
do it and then we did it again.

You're right. You're totally right.

We can't do this. We can't...

Wait, why can't we do this?

Because you're my best friend,

and I can't stand the
idea of losing you.

- You know? I...
- You don't have to.

We'd be closer than
we've ever been before.

Well, not closer than last night,

- I mean, that was crazy.
- Yeah, that was fucking crazy.

Don't you want to feel
this way all the time?

Our whole lives could
be going around the world

saving nature, freeing
all-female armies,

partying, getting free stuff.

It would be so fun!

I love you.

Just think about it, okay?

[CLAYFACE] Ooh, one hour till we dock.

I bet we can finish the puzzle.

- Hey!
- No one touches another piece

until King Shark gets back!

Nobody. I mean it!

I can't wait to see Ivy.

Ah, I wonder what she'll
complain about first.

Probably the airplane food.

God, she is one in a million.

Wow. You certainly share
a unique connection.

[KING SHARK ROARS]

The King hath returned!

So you stood up to your dad? That rules.

I looked him right
in the eye and I said,

"Daddy, I'm not marrying Tabitha".

Good for you.

A man is nothing
without his convictions.

Exactly.

And then, a couple minutes after that

I came back and got married.

What? I can't say no to King Daddy.

But at least now he knows
I'm not happy about it.

Wait. You got married
to someone you just met?

She didn't reject you over and over?

How many times did you propose?

I think... none?

- What?
- Tabitha and I worked it out.

We'll stay married publicly,

but we're each allowed to
have secret relationships.

I mean, sure, we could
probably get along

and have a very milquetoast marriage,

but I don't want that.

I wanna be with someone who excites me.

Where love isn't safe,

the kind of love that
doesn't have limits.

I want a soulmate.

Just like me and Ivy.

[CLAYFACE] Mmm.

[HARLEY] Bye!

Jennifer! Welcome home, honey.

[SHUSHES] Stop.

I'm going by Jen now, okay?

Okay. [STAMMERS] What...

What happened on that trip?

[MRS. FREEZE] I can't
wait to get you home.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh! Stop.

[CAR SQUEAKING]

[EXHALES] Okay, I've
thought about what you said.

And this weekend was so special.

Amazing, really.

And you're right, that we have
had these high highs together.

But... [SIGHS] Harley,

you run from one thing to the next,

and at some point that's gonna be me.

And the truth is,

I trust you with my life,

but I don't trust you with my heart.

So, I... I'm marrying Kite Man.

Hey, girl. How was the trip?

It... it was good.

Hey, you wanna go make some chili,

sit on the couch watching TV

for four to six hours?

[CRIES]