Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Inner (Para) Demons - full transcript

Mr. President, Jim Gordon,

aka Gotham PD Commissioner,
aka the Commish,

but you can call me Gordo.

Sir, Gotham City
is finally ready to...

- Please hold for the President.
- Ah!

Sorry, I thought you were
the President.

- No, I'm his secretary.
- Well, yes.

Now that you say it,

it makes sense that the President
wouldn't answer his own phone.

Just that I don't often hear
of a male secretary.

- This is the President.
- Sir, I, on my own,



with no help from others, definitely
singlehandedly took out the Injustice League.

Gotham City is ready to
rejoin the United States.

Gordo... Can I call you that?

I'd prefer that.

Gordo, according to my intel, there's
still one supervillain who is running amok.

Harley Quinn.

Uh... she's nothing but
a polyp up my bunghole.

Irritating? Sure.

Uncomfortable? Absolutely.

Horrifying to sexual partners and
often times a deal breaker? Definitely.

But nothing that a doctor-prescribed
cream can't take care of.

That is...

a lot of specific knowledge
about anal polyps.

You're talking to an expert.



Look, Gordo, Harley Quinn
caused the downfall of Gotham.

She's a menace.

She strikes fear into
the heart of the public psyche.

If she's still out there,
Gotham isn't safe.

Take care of Harley Quinn and
I'll put Gotham back on the map.

I'm coming for you, Quinn.

Harls, if we're going to talk
about it, let's just talk about it.

I mean, pssh, if you want
to, I guess I could. Yeah.

That was... crazy, right?

So, crazy.

I've been thinking a lot,
and I think it was...

An impetuous,
spur of the moment thing.

- You know?
- Yes.

It was the adrenaline
of escaping, you know.

I just think
it went to our heads.

- Hundred percent.
- We weren't really thinking.

- You know?
- It's so weird and uncanny

how you just said
everything I was going to say.

I think we just chalk it up
to a crazy moment

where something crazy happened.

You know what I mean?
I mean, that's it.

Totally. Totally! It was so me!

It was Harley Quinn,
always doing crazy things!

Always being impetuous! Hey!

Always kissing people!

- Muah!
- Ugh!

Disgusting! You're not my type.

Harley, are you sure
you're cool, or...

Yes. I swear to you. I'm
cool. I'm just... We are cool.

Ugh, great! I'm just glad
we're on the same page.

I mean, I'm getting
married to Kite Man soon.

- You know, so I gotta focus on that.
- Obvs!

Yeah, I'm super busy, too.

I'm like planning my next
move. So many moves. All...

Almost too many moves.

Wow, look at that. I'm actually
late to a move planning meeting.

Oh, this is so good.

Harley, I'm just glad
we talked about this.

And I would never want anything to
mess up our friendship, you know?

Yes, totally. Yeah,
especially not over some kiss

that, you know,
didn't even mean anything.

So, are you gonna tell Kite Man?

How could you do this to me?

Babe, I'm so sorry.

Look, I meant to call for a
reservation and stuff came up.

I said I'm sorry.

Sorry doesn't get us a table at Senor
Mexico's authentic Mexican adobe house,

which is my parents' favorite
brunch spot in all of Gotham.

- Babe, you all right?
- Yes. I'm... I'm just... It's...

I've got a lot
on my mind right now.

Hey. I'm sorry for putting
so much pressure on you.

It's just the first time
they're meeting you,

and I want them to love you
as much as I do,

because, no pressure,
if they don't love you

they won't approve
of the wedding,

and then they won't
come to the wedding!

Honey, I will make sure
that they love me.

Because parents always love me.

I mean, not my parents
or any other parents.

But the point is
for your parents? Ah!

I'm gonna just blow them away.

God, I love you.

Okay. So, as we all
know, I'm super busy,

I'm a crazy busy,
busiest I've ever been.

The question is,
what am I super busy with?

What's next?

I thought we were
gonna chill out and have fun

after we took
the Injustice League out?

Oh, yeah. We're gonna have fun.

As I become the world's
most feared supervillain!

That's not you.

The gravitas just isn't there.

The gravitas is there!

Harley, first I want
to apologize for these pussies!

I, for one, welcome you
pushing the evil envelope.

This is what I've dreamed of.

If you want to do
some truly evil shit,

then I'm your guy!

What are your thoughts
on killing puppies?

Harley, I've come to
warn you about my...

- Wait, who are you?
- Um... Batgirl. Anyway...

All right. You know what?

As a community,
we should really get together

and start coming up
with more creative names.

This is bullshit.

Can I just say, I love the stitch
work on your costume, girl.

I see you.

Aw, geez, thanks.

Why the hell are you here?

Gordon's coming
to take you down.

You are what stands in the way of
Gotham rejoining the United States.

And I've come here to warn you

because he thinks
you're a villain,

but I know that you're not.

What? I'm bad as hell.

Total villain over here!

Fuck, yeah!

That's the Harley
I've been waiting for.

Own it, girl!

You did kick the Legion
of Doom out of Gotham,

killed Joker, got rid
of the Injustice League.

Those were all heroic things.

This is what we
were just saying.

See? Batgirl gets it.

You want me to melt her mind?

I will melt her mind.

All I'm saying is lay low, and
hopefully this'll all blow over.

No time to lay low!

I was just telling Ivy how
I am a very busy person,

and that's what I am.

So I am going to lay
very high, thank you.

Harley, he won't stop
until he gets you.

You heard about
what he did to Two-Face,

and Two-Face had
a whole mess of goons.

So, what you're saying is
I need an army.

No, that's 100%
not what I was say...

- You tell Commissioner Gor-dumb...
- Nice!

That I am
the baddest bitch in town.

I'm Harley Quinn! I'm impetuous!

I kiss people at random!

- Muah!
- What's happening?

I am a supervillain,
and Gordon better sack up

and prepare for an all-out
war with me and my army.

- Thanks for the heads up.
- No, again,

that was 100% not what I was saying...

All right, listen. New plan.

We are gonna defeat Gordon.

We just need an evil army.

Anyone know how
we can get an evil army?

I am rock hard right now!

That's nasty.

Harley, what has
gotten into you?

Ever since you and Ivy emerged from
Bane's pit, you seem unlike yourself.

Yeah, you never said
anything about being a warlord.

Plus, where are we
going to get an army?

Especially since
the goons have unionized.

Nothing happened in the pit, and I
am absolutely being totally like myself.

And no one is getting in my way.

Not even Gordon.

You know what? I think I
know where we can get an army.

But it's some
real deal villain shit.

You got to get your hands
dirty. Are you down to do that?

Bitch, please. I am super down.

This is exactly
what I want to do.

I'm Harley Quinn. I'm impetuous!

I kiss people for no reason.

Muah!

Yeah, you've made that whole
kissing thing really clear, Harley.

Hey, sup. Uh, I don't
really care either way,

but what're the chances
you have a four top?

Four top is
restaurant speak for...

A table, for four people.
Thanks.

My little foodie.

Yeah, it's a three-hour wait.
Sorry.

Oh, boy!

Um, babe,
those people over there

that look like a country club
fucked a yacht club are waving at us.

Charles dear, over here!

Mother, Father, please meet
the love of my life, Pamela.

You didn't make a reservation.

- Mother, I am so sorry.
- Oh, God.

I had to have the credit card company
concierge read management the riot act

and we still got stuck here
with the hoi polloi.

Our usual booth was taken.

Oh. You know what?
Let me talk to the manager.

Good luck to her, I say.

Well, look at that.
A booth just opened up.

Pam, I must say,
I like your style.

Well, shall we?

Senorita, can we
get four mimosas

and an order of your
mashed avocado? Gracias.

And if I don't escape my
shackles in five minutes,

I will plunge to my death!

Okay. Where's this army
you're promising?

Well, as you all know,

I have always had a huge
hard-on for world domination.

- Well, that's on brand.
- Just disgusting.

And there is truly only one
foolproof way I've found to get it.

That idiot in
the technicolor dreamcoat

has a device
called a "Mother Box"

that can create a "Boom Tube."

We take the Boom Tube
to Apokolips,

where Darkseid has a whole
shitload of amazing armies.

We kiss Darkseid's ring,

pledge fealty, blah blah blah,

he gives us an army
of flying monkey lizards,

and we take out Gotham
by supper.

Eff, yes!

I'm an eff maybe...

I find that plan
to have many holes.

How would one even
procure a Mother's Box?

I am so glad you asked!

Get ready for a BAFTA,

because you're gonna
be playin' a drunk.

A modern Falstaff! Perfect.

Company!

Ah! Oh, villainous, burp,
company

hath been, burp,
the spoil of my...

Shut the fuck up!
I'm the director.

You stumble onstage
and distract security.

You just lost your BAFTA.

Then, while Miracle
is chained up,

I'm gonna go into his mind,

figure out where he keeps
the Mother Box and...

- Too late.
- Hey, you're not allowed onstage.

It was just
in his dressing room.

So, hold on to your barf bags!

We're going to Apokolips.

Ha!

There goes my new year's
resolution to not bite my nails

or jump into any
inter-dimensional portals.

Whee!

So... So, then I said,
"Did anyone call for kelp?"

And then I wrapped
Aquaman up in...

Can you guess? Kelp.

You are a hoot!

Isn't she, Darryl?

Charles is
one lucky son of a gun.

- Hell yeah, I am.
- Charles! Language!

Well... But, it's kinda
like my catch phrase.

Well, then find a new one!

Yes, ma'am. If you'll excuse me,

I'm just gonna go wash my
hands before we chow down.

I love you.

Our son getting married
was a shock in and of itself,

but to find out his fiancee
has actual super powers!

Our grandkids are
going to have superpowers like us!

Oh, you... So you guys
have superpowers?

Oh, sure. I can harness
the power of cold,

and this one has
the old gift of flight.

So, you can imagine
how disappointed we were

when poor Charles
was born... powerless.

Well, he has his kite.

Ugh!

Pamela, we want the best
for our grandkids,

and that is them
having superpowers,

not pretending to have them.

And you're the answer
to our prayers.

Well... Good.

This is gonna be the last
mustache you ever see, Quinn.

Wow, that is a lot of guns.

Or, not enough guns.

Dad, I don't think you
should go up against Harley.

Oh, that old saw.

Because she's
a girl, and boys against girls is unfair.

Um, no.

Because rumor has it
she's going to have an army.

Thousands of people might die.

You might die.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I see what you're saying.

Ugh! Thank you!

- I need an army!
- No!

That is 100% not
what I was saying...

Oh, frick!

Citizens of Gotham!

You're here today because
you answered the call.

We have an opportunity

to save our beloved Gotham City

and get back our rightful
place in the United States.

That means clean water,
fresh food,

and overpriced
Internet providers!

But in order to do that,

we have to take down the
scourge that is Harley Quinn.

- Yes, Harley Quinn.
- All right!

Wait, are you
cheering for Harley,

or cheering for
taking down Harley?

It's gotta be
taking down, right?

Okay. Good.

It was just the way I
worded it, it wasn't...

Anyway. I...

For too long we've allowed
villains to run our lives,

and they destroyed
our beautiful city.

Well, I will not let that
stand, and neither will you!

Who's with me?

There was a war, vermin.

And I won.

Your future belongs
to Darkseid now.

I'm giving your BAFTA to him.

You seek an army, Harley Quinn?

- Um...
- Are you capable of wielding such power?

- Yeah, I...
- The power to take away a people's confusion

and replace it with obedience?

- Yes, I...
- To liberate a people

and give them one clear purpose.

One goal, to die for your will.

Oh, you're done. Okay
yes, totes to all that stuff.

Let me get that army!

Mr. Great and Powerful Darkseid.

I sense a great pain in you.

Nope, no pain. I'm good.

An anger, born from a want.

A want that was not met.

If we could just
move on to the...

Are you trying to fill an empty
hole in your life, Harley Quinn?

What is this guy, my therapist?

There are some holes that not
even an army of Parademons can fill.

Definitely not. All my holes
are filled up to the brim.

Nothing? Really?

Look, I'm just here
for that army.

So, you know,
what's the haps on that?

The dwarf did not tell you?

Okay, I may have come up here at
a different time to ask for an army.

- I didn't mention that?
- No!

And I am a very active listener.

You must prove yourself to me.

He was too cowardly to do so.

The task is simple.

Defeat Granny Goodness
in combat,

and I will give
her scepter to you,

which you will use
to command the Parademons.

So, I just gotta beat up an
old lady and I get an army?

I can do that.

Prepare to die!

And this is why I got cold feet.

You got this, Quinn.

Ah!

I promised myself
I'd never kill an old person.

I'd let the American
healthcare system do that.

But we need to
get Harley's back.

I fear Darkseid
clearly laid out the rules.

If she doesn't do it herself,
she does not get the army.

Don't worry, she's gonna do it
herself.

You fools!

You thought some
little girl could defeat me?

Now get ready
for some cookies, milk,

and a lifetime of torture
in Granny's dungeon.

Prepare to die.

Yes, still got it!

Where am I? Did I do it?

Yes, Harley Quinn,
you defeated Granny Goodness.

Yeah, you did.

Huzzah! Harley! You are a hero!

It was so smart of her
to play possum like that.

You think she unconsciously
flew through the air, idiots?

Rise, Harley Quinn, commander
of my Parademon army.

Aw! Thanks, D-Train.

Uh, Lord, sir.

All right! Y'all ready
to hand Gordon his ass

and show him once and for all that
Harley Quinn is Gotham's true boss

and the baddest villain of all?

Yes. Yes!

Fuck, yes!

I mean, I did this,
but also fuck, yes!

Boomtube us home, psycho!

I have to be honest, I am very
scared about this whole thing.

As am I. You can't tell,
but I've clayed myself.

Whoa. Babe, you wanna
get frisky right here?

What about the 'rents?

Why do you let your parents
treat you like shit?

What am I supposed to do?
They're my parents.

Let's do this again
next week, Ivy, darling.

Don't worry,
I already made a reservation,

so Charles needn't cloud
his mind with simple tasks.

You know what?

- Fuck you guys.
- Beg your pardon?

Yeah, I said, fuck you.

Because first of all,
I'm the one

who messed up the
goddamn reservation, okay.

Chuck asked me
several times not to forget,

because for some reason
he cares about you two.

And then, he took the heat for
it because he cares about me,

and for some reason,
what you two think about me.

So, yeah! He's a kind,
loving, supportive partner.

And the only miracle here is that
you two ghouls somehow raised him.

And another thing,
he's not lucky to have me,

I'm lucky to have him!

So, fuck off!

Hell! Yeah!

See you at the wedding?

Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on. Is that a Boom Tube?

Uh. Sorry, just got excited
and...

No baby, not that.

- That!
- Looks like it's over the Dead Mall.

Hang on, wait, which way...
That's east...

No, it is. Oh, my God!

Harley!

Dad, you don't have to do this.

If saving Gotham means I have
to gun down another lady clown,

then so be it.

Wait. What do you mean another...

Oh! Probably be best if you turn
around your merry band of meatbags.

And why the hell
would I do that?

Gordo, I have a flying army from
a hell planet under my control.

Well, I made my decision! And I
never back down from my decisions.

It's a terrible quality that has ruined
most of my personal relationships,

so bring it!

It's your funeral, old man.

- Uh-uh, it's yours.
- Don't think so.

Well, I do think so.

Feels like you're
overcompensating for something.

Why is everybody
up my ass about that?

Nothing happened!

This is just
my Wednesday, bitch.

- Not buying it.
- I don't give a shit!

Fuck, yes!

My God!
Gaping sphincter in the sky.

I'm coming!

Tanks, now!

Uh-oh.

Ah!

Harley! What the hell
is going on here?

Yeah, while you were out
gettin' brunch,

I was beating up an old lady to get a
Parademon army from another galaxy.

You beat up an old lady?

She was super jacked!

And now I'm gonna
take over all of Gotham!

So what, you really just want kill
thousands of people just because?

Because I'm
Harley fucking Quinn!

I'm always doing crazy things!

Always being impetuous,
you know?

Always kissing people and shit!

This is just my Wednesday.

Yeah. It's actually Thursday.

Anyway, look. You know me,
I mean, I'm ride or die, but...

I mean, is this really
the ride you envisioned?

Uh, not exactly.

What's the endgame?

What do you really want?

What the hell are you doing?

No!

The city's yours, Gordo.

I know what I want,
and it's not this.

We were gonna take over the fucking
world and you're squandering it all!

Ow!

Are you kidding me?

Oh, I should have known
this was too good to be true.

You got no balls, Quinn.

Fuck this!

See you back at home?

No! I'm out of the crew.

I fucking quit. See you never.

This mean I won?

I won!

This is why you don't
back down, people!

Look, I can explain the whole
Game of Thrones Khaleesi thing okay.

All... All this has just been
me avoiding something

that I need to talk to you about

and if I don't do it now,
it will be too late.

Look, if you really
need to say it, just...

Harley! Cool Parademons.

Hey! Did Ivy tell you
what she just did?

How she's the coolest,
hottest fiancee

a regular guy with superpowers
like me could ever ask for?

Well, I mean, I wasn't just gonna sit
there and watch your parents be assholes

to the man that I want to
spend the rest of my life with.

Mmm!

Oh, buddy! Those Parademons
are dry humping a taco truck.

I'm gonna go
snap a pic for Insta.

Ah, man. I love that idiot.

- What were you gonna tell me, Harls?
- Um...

We need to talk about...

What you wanna do
for your bachelorette party!

Really? That's what
you wanted to tell me?

Yeah!