Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - There's No Place to Go But Down - full transcript

This is bullshit!

- This is a kangaroo court.
- No way.

We got a real judge
and everything.

Hey, Judge, get in here.

All rise for me.

- Bane's the judge?
- I promise you'll get a fair shake.

I am unbiased.

Well, he's actually telling
the truth,

which is really annoying,
so I took it upon myself

to provide you
with Gotham's top litigator.

- Oh, we're so fucked.
- Let's not judge a lawyer by the fact he's a bat.



The defendants are charged with
the murder of Oswald Cobblepot

and other stuff.

Counselor Man-Bat.

How do your clients plead?

Yeah, we're fucked.

Theme music playing...

*HARLEY QUINN*
Season 02 Episode 07

Title: " There's No Place to Go But Down"
Aired on: May 14, 2020

And then, she bit
The Penguin's nose off.

- - She bit
The Penguin's nose off.

Mm, mm, mm.

Is Harley Quinn
who definitely did that

in the courtroom today?

Yeah, that's Harley Quinn.



Does anyone speak bat?

I want to sustain or overrule,

but it's indecipherable.

For my last witness,
I call...

Poison Ivy!

Ooh, and they're friends.

This is going to be saucy.

Yeah.

Ive, blame it all on me, okay?
You had my back

no matter what stupid messes
I've gotten myself into.

For once, let me be the one
who does something for you.

You have a whole life
ahead of you,

- I mean, you're engaged.
- But you and I are a team.

Ive, please, I wouldn't be able
to live with myself

if you went down for me.

You hate people,
is that correct?

- Yes.
- But you don't hate Harley Quinn, do you?

You partnered with her,
your only friend

and helped her plan and execute

the murder of
the Injustice League.

Yeah, we did it, okay?

We teamed up
to kill your pathetic asses,

'cause you deserved it and one day,
we're gonna finish the job.

Ivy!

Your Honor,
given the testimony,

I request that you find
the defendants

guilty on all counts!

I hereby sentence them to life!

In prison, of course.

What the hell
are we doing in the sewer?

Smells like shit down here.

Wait. That's me.

My God, I told you three times.

We need to stop Ratcatcher,

he's using the tunnels
to move weapons across Gotham.

Ratcatcher, right.

Living underground,
these criminals have hit rock bottom.

- Gordon, are you drunk?
- I have a high tolerance.

And I have a low tolerance
for evasive answers.

"I have a low
tolerance for evasive answers."

I know what I'm doing,
all right?

I was putting away scum
while you were filling up

your bat diaper
with stinky bat doodies.

I've seen this stuff on
the dark web.

Okay,
I'll circle around and block the exit.

Wait for my signal.

Taking orders
from a cheerleader.

I used to be
a damn good cop.

Oh! Aah!

Huh?

Swarm, my children! Swarm!

Oh, shit!

Shit, shit, shit!

Get it off!

- Oh, come on.
- Thanks.

That's not mine.

Why the hell
did you do that, Ive?

Harls, I'm not gonna
let you rot in prison

while I'm kiting around
the world on my honeymoon.

But no one even knows
you're kidnapped,

you could've led the rescue.

Maybe called it a mini-moon.

Come on, we can break out
of Arkham in our sleep.

Uh, the hell is this?

Your new home.

- What the shit are you doing here?
- I'm not just a judge.

I am also a warden.

Welcome to he Pena Duro North
Correctional and Rehabilitation facility.

Affectionately known as
The Pit.

Listen, Bane, we're not going
in your dumb hole.

So either free us or kill us.

Okay.

Oh, shit!

Oh, they'll be fine.

I set up padding at the bottom.

Just more dramatic, you know,
to see 'em drop like that.

While I was born in darkness,

here at Pena Duro North,
we're bringing people into the light.

We try to cultivate
positive thinking in The Pit.

Teach our guests to redirect aggressive
energies like maiming and killing

into something
more productive.

Holy crap, is that Killer Croc?

See for yourself.

- Waylon.
- Oh, hey, Harley, Ivy.

I was working on
a new water color.

I call this one
"Reed in the Water."

His name is Reed and, uh...

He's in the water,
yeah, we get it.

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

I'm working out my shit.

There's a talent show tomorrow

to showcase what everyone's
been working on.

I'd like you both
to participate.

- She'll never do it.
- I won't do it.

Here we are, home sweet home.

You're probably wondering
to yourself,

"Hey, Bane, why no door?"

Because where
would you escape to?

You are in a pit!

Oh, my, who caused
this catastrophe?

In The Pit, your bed
must be made daily.

A tidy room is the key
to a tidy mind.

Now, bring it in,
bring it in, my darlings.

- Don't fucking touch me.
- I will murder you.

I will see you two
in painting class.

Winking, I'm winking.

Shit, Harls, I mean,
how the hell are we gonna get out of here?

I don't know, beanstalk us up.

There's no plants!
There's no plants in sight.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
we're gonna be stuck in here forever.

I mean, who's gonna protect
the rainforest?

- Swamp Thing.
- Who'll defend the Great Barrier Reef?

- Aquaman.
- Who's gonna write letters to the network

when they're trying to decide whether
they should renew Love It or List It?

- Some loser.
- Yeah, exactly, and Kite Man...

What about Kite Man?
I finally find somebody

that I actually want to marry

and now I can't even do it.

- Fuck!
- Listen, we're gonna escape

and you are gonna walk down
that aisle.

You're right.
You're right.

We're gonna get out of here.

- Hey, girls.
- Oh, shit.

Just dropping off
some welcome caps I've knitted.

It gets mighty chilly at night.

Oh, pass the mayo.

So, how'd
the crime fighting go?

Eh, it's not working out
with Batgirl.

She just doesn't have
what it takes,

I might have to fly solo.

Dad, we need
to talk about your drinking.

Ah, it's great, loosens me up.

Um, okay,

this is super hard for me,
so I'm just gonna say it.

You are a problematic drinker.

A problematic drinker and
former cop turned vigilante.

A person can be two things,
or did you not know that?

Trust me, Dad, I know.

Right now, I'm telling you
you need to clean yourself up.

Gotham needs you at your best.

I'm at my best.

Always have been,
always will be.

If you won't stop drinking
for Gotham,

do it for me.

It hurts me to see you
like this.

Ah.
Oh, Barbara.

- Get down!
- Oh, crap!

Hey, Gordo, I heard you've been
playing cop again.

Trying to move in
on my weapons sales.

Dent. Ratcatcher's
working for you?

The whole city works for me,
hadn't you heard?

New New Gotham is mine.

Ah, you wanna play rough?

I should've killed you back
at the station months ago.

And tonight, I fix my mistake.

Barbara, we need to...

Barbara?

I would watch the light
leave their eyes

and know that
their last thought was fear.

But now I imagine myself
in the bubble of calm

and the urge to kill goes away.

- Why aren't you clapping?
- Because this is stupid.

Look, Bane, we wanna change.

We really do,
but it's just too...

depressing in this very dark,
dank pit.

I don't know, maybe
if you transfer us to Arkham...

Arkham is for
the criminally insane.

The Pit is for
the criminally capable.

But I will let you in on a
little secret to lift your spirits.

Tomorrow's talent show
will have a special guest.

Mr. George Lopez.

Can you believe it?

Yeah, he's choppering down
for a ten-minute set.

Mostly new material,
but probably some old hits.

Okay, this is how we escape.

I sign up
for the talent show...

- Lopez choppers in.
- We watch his hilarious set.

That pokes fun at the
idiosyncrasies of a Latino family.

Then I do a tight five
that incites a prison riot.

Which pulls the guards away
from the chopper...

Wait, sorry,
how is standup comedy gonna incite a riot?

I tell a bunch of jokes
that piss people off.

Nice.

Right? You and me are
getting on that chopper.

We fly out
and you're exchanging "I dos"

with Kite Man in no time.

Where are
ya hiding, Gordon?

Let's end this
real nice and quick.

I got a dental appointment
in the early a.m.

Lot of gum work, you know?

Do you hear me, Gordon?

I took your station,
I took your city,

and now I'm taking your life.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Let's get this over with,
Harvey.

Glad you came to your senses.

Better to go out like a man

rather than begging like
one of those cats

that thinks it's a dog.

- Any last words?
- Tell my daughter...

- I love her.
- Tell her yourself.

You and the bat hussy
set me up.

I only brought two goons.

I thought this was gonna be
a two-goon job.

That's on me.
I'll be back.

- Why the hell did you do that?
- What?

What'd you save me for?

You know what I am? I'm dead weight,
yesterday's news.

Dime store sushi.

I'll just get in
your way again.

Hey. Hey!

Ah, there was a swig
and a half left.

Stop feeling sorry
for yourself.

Why?

You don't need me,
Gotham doesn't need me.

My own daughter thinks
I'm a joke.

That's not true.

You're a good man, Jim Gordon.

- You inspired me.
- Ha!

Oh, yeah?
Says the girl with bat ears.

Batman's your inspiration.

He inspired my costume.

My dad inspired me.

- Barbara?
- That's right.

I'm Batgirl, Dad.

You're the one that's been
protecting Gotham.

That's my girl.

And Killer Croc, he's so ugly.

- How ugly is he?
- He's so ugly that when I met him,

I thought his asshole
was doing the talking.

Hey-oh!

Kind of feels like
a low hanging fruit there, but,

it'll probably kill
with these dumb shits.

Harley, I see that
you're doing stand up

after Lopez.

Whoa, what is this?

You failed to make your bed.

Oh, shit, yeah,
sorry about that.

Sorry doesn't cut it,
I was very clear on the rules.

I cannot play favorites.

Harley may not participate
in the talent show.

I'll make my bed,
you weirdo. God.

I wish your wave of enthusiasm
had crested earlier.

- Ivy, you have to do my set.
- What? No.

I can't tell jokes
in front of strangers.

Yes, you can, you'll be a riot.

A riot, I need you
to start a...

- Stop, yes, I got it.
- Do it, Ivy.

I guess I'm going up
after Lopez.

Bold.

This is gonna be easy
to break out of.

- There is no door.
- But there is a Cheryl.

Ugh, hi, Cheryl, you're really
gonna make me kill you to escape?

Well, you can try.

I'm Cheryl.

If she attempts to escape,

force her to join
the show choir!

Hello. Ah!

And welcome to
the first annual

Live from The Pit talent show.

We have a lot of
great acts tonight,

but first, who wants to see
some close-up magic?

And then I said, "From now on,
we're home schooling you."

So whatever we don't know,

you don't know.

Like, when did the Korean
War start? I don't know.

And neither do you.

Okay, that's my time.

Thank you, The Pit.
Good night.

Shit. This plan is so stupid.

You've got this, Ivy.

Cheryl, listen,
I'm getting past you,

so either I do and you're alive,
or I do and you're not.

What do you say?

Oh, Jesus.

Uh... Hello.

Uh, I see Killer Croc is here.

He's so ugly, when we met,

I thought his asshole
was talking to me.

Oh, come on,
it's a skin condition.

Ah, that's below the belt.

How about Victor Zsasz, okay?

Oh, boy, here we go.

The tally marks on his head

make him look like
a Peanuts character.

Oh , she's no Lopez.

Hey, you just got Ivy'd.

- You suck!
- I know, right? I suck.

Blah! Do you guys wanna riot?

Why? This is a safe space.

Come on, Zsasz,
you're not even

like a little pissed off
about that?

You just got Ivy'd. Bleh.

Just start shanking,
people.

- People, shank.
- If I could make a constructive criticism.

Your joke directed at me
was reference-heavy,

and if might, a bit derivative.

What the shit is this?
This should not be hard,

you guys are killers,
kill each other.

I'm getting to that chopper!

- Shit!
- Shit.

Good night, The Pit.

What a bunch of locos.

And after I defeated Riddler,

- I knew what I had to do.
- I can't believe it.

I... You were her!

And she was you
while I was me.

Yeah,
I even slipped up

and called you Dad
a few times.

But you were pretty...
Drunk.

Dad, stop.

Are you gonna lend a hand

or is Batgirl too cool
to help her dad

in a montage where we skip past
the hard parts

of beating
an alcohol addiction

and cut to the part
where I'm clean?

Get over here.

Welcome back, Dad.

You're finally home.

No, there's only one place
that's home.

The Gotham City
Police Department.

But that's Two-Face's lair.

I'm taking it back.

- Wanna know why?
- Why?

'Cause I'm a damn good cop.

So, um, I actually came
on stage to start a riot.

- Huh?
- What?

I was gonna use the riot
as a diversion to escape

on George Lopez's helicopter.

Now that I say it out loud,
I realize how stupid it sounds.

I mean, I'm never getting
out of here, right?

My entire life I've been cut
off from my feelings, you know?

I was living in
an emotional pit,

but I liked it that way,
you know.

'Cause it was safe and secure, and no
one ever put a knit hat on me, you know?

I guess that I accepted that being
lonely was, you know, was my thing.

And then something happened.

I made friends,
I got engaged.

- - Thank you. I
joined the mile high Kite club.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to give you a piece of
advice about sex at 10,000 feet.

Don't do it into the wind.

And I was thinking about it,

I'm like, was I happy?

I was really happy.

You know, it's like,
I crawled out of my emotional pit.

Yeah.

And so then, what happens?

- Where did the universe put me?
- The Pit.

That's right, The Pit.

And no matter how much
we change down here.

No matter how many times
we make our goddamn bed

or pass the talking stick.

We're still stuck in this Pit.

And with Bane of all people.

This guy.

I relate.

Wow, she's got
a great point there.

I did all this hard work
to get myself out of one pit

just to end up in another.

Life's just one big pit

that none of us
are ever gonna get out of.

One big fucking
inescapable pit.

And that is where
we are stuck forever.

Damn, Ivy's right.

We gotta get out of The Pit.

Yeah, come on, guys,

we're a talented group,
if we work together, we can escape.

Also if you don't chip in,
I'll stab you.

That was amazing,
you spoke from your heart,

- you started a riot!
- About 30 seconds too late,

let's face it, George Lopez
is never coming back,

I bet they hardly
met his quote.

Harley, I really blew it.

Or maybe not.

- Here's the plan, we go on the roof...
- Blah, blah, blah.

Daddy's got this.

Hey!

You still got this?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah. All good.

Honey, I'm home.

You get a shiv. You get a shiv.
You get a shiv.

Hey, Ivy, it's clear you
made a breakthrough in The Pit.

How about you come back
and continue to work on yourself?

Perhaps a vision board?

- I have some inspo.
- Ah, shove it, Bane.

Yeah, don't take credit
for her emotional growth.

Fuck this, I shall rise!

Uh-oh, that's not good.

We're not gonna make it.

Hold on.

No one escapes The Pit!

Damn it, Bane.

Shit, shit, shit!

What, are you gonna
write me a ticket?

A ticket to hell.

You still doing okay?

Yep.

Ah!

In the soft spot.

What's happening?

I'm back. That's what.

- - You cannot
run from your problems, Harley.

Hate weighs you down.

Only love sets us free.

- Ivy.
- No.

- It's okay.
- Don't, don't do this.

Have a good life,
get married, make babies.

Name them Harley.

- The girls and boys.
- Harley?

See? It totally works.

You know I love you.

Bye, Ive.

Hi!

We did it.