Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - All the Best Inmates Have Daddy Issues - full transcript

Okay. Marry, fuck, kill.

Kite Man, Mr. Freeze, Joker.

Yeah, I mean, the first one
is my fiancee, so, duh.

And then,
the other two are dead,

and one of them is your dead
ex-boyfriend. So, gross and duh.

All right, last one.
Two-Face, Killer Croc, Joker.

Again, he's dead,
so let's just...

No. No, it's Joker.

Holy shit. It's...

A totally unremarkable
looking white guy.

Ive, I am telling you
that is him,



just without his puke green
hair and bleached white skin.

And maniacal laugh,
blood lust in his eyes,

and fire engine red lips?

No, that was lipstick.
He always stole mine.

Ugh! He was so annoying.

Like, hello, you can
murder a family,

but you're afraid to buy
makeup on your own?

Harls, this guy
does not look like

he was flattened by a thousand
tons of steel and concrete

when a tower of his own image
crushed him to death,

which is what happened
to Joker, so...

Uh, his body was never found.

Haven't you seen those
conspiracy videos on WayneTube?

Yeah, the one with the song
raises some decent points.



But still, it's impossible
that that guy is him.

Joker tried to throw me
in that acid to undo me.

What if that's him undone?

Yeah, I think you're done.

Babe, I'm telling you
it's not him.

Oh, fuck, it's him!

- Do you think he saw us?
- Oh, I hope he saw us,

because I want him to see
the face of his murderer.

Hey!

Ivy, no! I just wanna leave
without causing a scene,

for the first time in my life.

Whoa!

I'm so sorry.

Oh. Totally my fault.

It's not often we have
bar patrons on the floor.

I should not
have been daydreaming.

Uh, about world domination?

Skintight purple suits?

Heavens, no! Purple clothes?

I wish I was that bold.

No, I was just thinking
about my kids.

- Kids?
- Say what?

Well, you know, they're my
girlfriend's kids technically,

but they feel like
they're my kids.

Here. Here's a picture.

- Harley.
- You, you know who I am?

No. Just, it says "Harley"
on your bat here.

- You almost left it.
- Thanks.

Well, if you need
extra napkins or water,

you know where to find me. Bye.

Joker always told me
he hated kids.

You bought that whole act?

He is fucking with you.

I don't know what his game is,

but seriously,
we should just kill him.

Yeah, I'm killing him.

We can't kill a normie.

Maybe that acid changed him,
you know, for reals.

Last time you thought
he changed,

he pushed you out
of a helicopter.

This is totally different.
We are not in a helicopter.

- People can't change.
- I did.

Remember when I used
to be a psychologist,

and I wore my hair up
all the time?

Even then I could tell deep
down you were a crazy bitch.

Aw. Thanks.

You are who you are
at your core,

now and forever.

You're wrong,
and I can prove it.

Ninety-nine, one hundred.
Damn it.

Better luck next time, boy-o.

Two out of three, squats.

You're on!

Well, you must be Dr. Quinzel.

Pleasure to meet you. I'm...

Harvey Dent, of course.

You're only the best district
attorney Gotham's ever had.

And let's keep it that way
at the polls tomorrow.

Can I count on your vote?

It's important
young people like you vote.

Well, I may be young,
but you did call me in

to be the Joker's psychologist

because, you know, I studied his
pathology more than anyone else.

Wrote my entire
thesis paper on him,

but, hey, you know that.

We never read your paper. Hell,
we didn't even know you wrote one.

Oh, then... Then why
did you hire me?

Because you're cheap
and you've got a pulse, skirt.

Joker's chewed up
every other shrink in Gotham.

Which is why this election
is so important.

Take an extra for your mom.
She'll love it.

I believe in you.

I won't let you down, sir.
I'm sure in no time, I can...

We have no time.

That psychopath's planted a
bomb somewhere in the city.

We need you to find out where
before it goes kaboom!

We've only got 24 hours
before the polls close.

Or the bomb goes off.

What did I say, the polls?
No, the bomb. The bomb.

Yes. No, I'm talking
about the bomb.

Of course, I'm thinking
about the bomb.

Damn it!

What happened?
Why does it look like

a salad bar exploded?

Sir, the cafeteria accidentally
ordered living lettuce, sir.

Mr. Dent, you can't
burn inmates.

Not yet. But prop 17

gives an exciting, new
definition to prisoners' rights.

What are you gawking at?

Get to the Joker
and find that bomb.

Remember, tomorrow at the polls,

yes on 17!

Riddle me this.

Who's in over her head

and should've majored
in communication?

Joke's on you.
That was my minor.

Joke was on me.

I'm so sorry.

They shouldn't have done that.

Fuck off, narc.

You ready, sugar?

Hello, puddin'.

- Puddin'?
- Oh, shit.

I thought you brought my lunch.

Who's hungry for pudding?

Joker, you're gonna
eat the dessert first?

Ah ha! You know it, pal.

Word to the wise, Dr. Quinzel,

never end up
in maximum security,

no matter how fun the crime is.

Eating alone is a real drag.

So, you know who I am?

I read your thesis.
I thought it was pretty good.

Oh.

For fan fic.

Darling, if you want
to get the story right,

you have to go
straight to the source.

That's why I'm here.

An opportunity to set
the record straight.

Well, that's very good.

But you're here because you
want me to dish about the bomb,

which is gonna go kaboom
in two freckles past a hair.

Ooh, that's soon.

Okay, you caught me.

So, if you're not
gonna tell me where,

maybe you'd like to tell me why?

What? Look at this!

It's, like, five peas.

Seriously, what kind
of nutrients

am I going to get
from five peas?

How about we take a step back
and talk about

your obsession with the bat?

What's that? I'm sorry. The
speakers are getting a little fuzzy.

Where's Dr. Quinn's...

Peas... Puddin'?

Let me in the cell.
I need to get on his level.

That's tough to do
with bars between us.

- You mean the glass?
- Whatever, Cheryl. Just do it.

Your funeral, sug.

There, the speakers
aren't a problem anymore.

It's just you and me,

with nothing in between us.

What? Hey!

What do we have here?
Let me see.

Mighty fine penmanship. Hmm.

Blah, blah, blah. "Insane."

Oh, yes. Blah, blah, blah.
"Egomaniac."

Blah, blah. "Cute."

- I would never write that.
- But I know you thought it.

People are afraid of you,
but I'm not.

Somewhere inside that big clown
is a human being.

- One that can be helped.
- You're so right.

People are scared of me.

And for good reason.

No.

Just to be clear about the bomb,

I'm not telling you shit.

Do not touch me.

Hey!

Ah!

You've got spunk.

I hate spunk.

An athlete and a scholar.

You're far too good
for this dump.

Ah, well, I win.

Come back anytime, Harley.

Any idea how stupid that was?

It's a miracle
he didn't kill you.

But he didn't. Joker
wasn't trying to kill me,

he was testing me.

He's screwing with you, Quinzel.

Oh, what's the u...

You're done. Turn in
your badge and gun.

I don't have those things.

Ah, right. Well, turn in
your clipboard and glasses.

I know I can get through to him.

Give me one more chance.

- Well, what other option do we have?
- Me.

Jesus! Was he here
the whole time?

I'll make Joker talk.

Where's the bomb?

Why don't you ask Robin?

Oh, wait. Jason Todd
is dead, that's right,

because I killed him.

Too soon?

- Licorice?
- Oh, I could go for a red snack.

Oh, last one.

Leaving so soon, Batsy?

We were just revving up.

He's a lost cause.

We need to evacuate the
city while there's still time.

No, we can't panic the voters.

Uh, the citizens.

You still think
you can get to him?

You bet I can.
Just give me a minute.

So, got any plans
for tonight, Batman?

Uh, stop Joker
from blowing up Gotham.

Yeah, of course.

I meant, like, after that.

I want to ask you about Joker.

Just kill him already.

But then the bomb will go off.

People aren't worth saving.

Kill joker, kill people,
kill yourself.

Your file says you were in
group therapy with Joker,

but all the notes are
missing. What happened?

Tough to take notes
when you're getting murdered.

Joker killed the psychologist?

Yeah, he really didn't
want to talk about his family.

- Hmm.
- And you know what? I don't wanna talk to you,

- so get out!
- Thanks for the help.

Back for more, Harley?

It's Dr. Quinzel.

Well, Doc, you've got guts.

I'll give you that.
But that's all you get.

I don't wanna hear
about the bomb.

I wanna hear about
what makes you tick.

That's good.

And it's almost a joke.

Tell me about growing up.

Oh, look who passed
their freshman psychology class.

We're in an insane asylum.

Not a single person in here
came from a happy home.

People around here seem to
think you have real daddy issues.

Ha! Who told you that?

Was it Penguin?

That mutant orphan's the one
with daddy issues.

Well, I can see this is
just too painful for you.

- We can stop for today.
- Painful?

You think you can
hurt me, sweetheart?

I've been hurt by the best.

Oh, please. Everyone's
scarred by their childhood.

Not worse than me!

Fine. You wanna know how
I got these emotional scars?

I'm listening.

All right.

I'll admit my parents
weren't too fond of me.

What makes you think that?

Let me see. Quote.

"Son, we're not fond of you."

My parents were wealthy,
but they never gave me much,

especially not their attention.

So, you must have spent
a lot of time alone.

Well, I had Mr. Ferris.

Was he a role model for you?

He was a ferret,
a beautiful beast.

With gorgeous ringed fur,
Mr. Ferris, the ferret.

Being an only neglected child,

the pet was a brother to me.

We were inseparable.

Until one night,
while Mummy was away,

I made the mistake of
wandering into my father's study.

There I found dear, old Dad
with our maid, naked.

He roared at me, so I rushed
out, went straight to bed.

I hadn't even had supper.

After all, the maid was busy.

The next morning,
I found Ferris's cage empty,

and Daddy above it with
the widest smile I'd ever seen.

That day, my father took away

the one thing I'd ever loved.

Then he beat the shit out of me.

I just remember him standing
over me, punching and laughing,

laughing and punching,
and punching.

Personally, I never got
what was so funny.

But that's the thing
about comedy.

Not everyone gets the joke.

You're not defined
by your father.

You don't have to
destroy the world.

I can help you if you help me.

All right. I'll 'fess up
about the bomb.

- But promise me one thing.
- Of course.

I want to eat a normal meal
like a normal person

in a normal insane asylum
at the cafeteria and all.

Done. Next week, you can eat
whatever you want.

No, no. No, it has
to be tonight,

because I don't trust those
assholes to keep your word.

- Licorice, Batman?
- You said you were out.

- I found more.
- Shut it.

Tell me where the bomb is,

and you'll have
that meal tonight.

I promise.

I believe you.

The bomb is in the heart
of Little Italy.

Holy hell! She did it!

Yeah, that's beginners' luck.

That's the last time I'll
underestimate a skirt with a PhD.

I'm gonna win the election.

Men in prison, get
everyone over to Little Italy.

- Pronto!
- That's Italian.

We can carpool, right?
Global warming, it's an issue.

I, of course, can't go.

Me around an armed bomb?
Bad photo op.

But do anything it takes
to stop that bomb.

The voters thank you.

You still alive?

Guess I owe Riddler a 20.

Joker 'fessed up, thanks to you.

- I didn't do anything.
- You told me about his family.

That was nothing. And I wouldn't
have even told you about it

if I knew you were gonna be
so smug about it.

Like it or not, you helped me.

Everyone needs a friend.

And since you want humans
wiped from the face of the earth...

Right. So, you cut
a plant for me?

- I could kill you with this.
- Yeah, you could.

You know, if I dip my shoulder,

I could just squeeze right into
that little space up front.

- No.
- No? Yeah, dumb idea. Dumb.

Yoo-hoo!

Hey, I think
that child lock is on.

Yeah, we're here.

The heart of Little Italy,
you son of a bitch.

There's nothing here, Jim.
There's no bomb.

Damn it.

As long as we're here, you
want to try the fresh mozz,

or some brajoot, as they say?

Hey, so I was thinking,
if you're interested,

maybe I'll turn that thesis
of mine into a full novel.

There it is.

You play naive,
but you're better than that.

You never cared
about the bomb, did you?

You just wanted your story.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You're naughty, Dr. Quinzel.

- What happened to Harley?
- Well, Harley, I'm game.

That is, if I can call this
our first date.

- What's with the Italian?
- Oh, that's Luigi.

His food's the reason
I keep coming back to Arkham.

I mean, him and Batman.

See, Luigi's got a bit of
a nickname around here.

Little Italy.

It feels no good.

The flavor, really,
just explodes in your mouth.

Paint my toenails.

You're not gonna believe this.

The bomb was in a guy
named Little Italy.

- Luigi.
- Wait.

Where are you going,
Dark Knight?

Why don't we dine al fresco?

Where is he?

You lying asshole!

I told everyone
exactly where the bomb was,

but you were the only one
who got the joke.

Oh, my God! You're insane.

Please, I gave you
what you wanted, a story.

The story.

Clown price of crime
kidnaps hotshot psychologist.

Her tell-all sells millions.

Baby, I'm about
to make you a star.

Not if they kill us first.

They're not going to kill me,
because they won't kill you.

Honestly, you're safer here
than back at that looney bin.

- Take the shot.
- Sir, I can't without hitting her.

Who gives a fuck? I can't
win this goddamn election

if Joker escapes on my watch!

- Ivy, you saved me!
- Say what?

I always knew you had a special
place in your heart for the Joker.

Not you, asshole.

Not bad for a first date,
eh, puddin'?

Are, are you okay, or whatever?

Why did you save me?

No one's ever given me
a gift before,

I mean, not to mention a
plant. So, that was nice.

Kill them all!

Uh... I surrender.

Ow!

So, Doc, I was thinking
of seeing a new therapist,

if you could recommend, uh...

- I'd love to.
- Cool.

Dr. Quinzel, thank God
you're all right.

Phew!

Crazy night, huh?

But it's a happy ending.

Joker's captured,
I'll win re-election,

and you've earned yourself
a promotion. Congrats.

We good?

Fuck off, Two-Face.

Bullshit. You came up
with Two-Face?

And not a single royalty.

- Ugh.
- Ive, you said humanity wasn't worth saving,

but then you saved me, a human.

Even though it meant another
year in Arkham. I mean, thusly...

- Don't say thusly.
- I changed you,

which proves
your core can change.

Harley wins again.

God, you're so smug.

Harley, you didn't change me.

You helped me, sure, you know,

but I didn't always hate people.

It wasn't until Mr. Ferris died.

Mr. Ferris? You mean
Joker's Ferris?

No, I mean Mr. Ferris,
the ficus.

- He was my first plant.
- I don't understand.

Harls, that was my story.
I told it in group therapy.

Joker probably just stole it

and weirdly changed it
into a ferret.

What? I spent so much money on
ferret paraphernalia over the years.

His custom Christmas stocking
was a ferret.

Well, as always, Joker lied,
surprising no one but you.

The first time my father hit me,

that's when I gave up on humans.

Until I met you.

You never told me, Ive.
I'm sorry.

Yeah, it was a long time ago.

So, what are we
gonna do about him?

We call in a tie-breaker.

- Oh, nice unit.
- Uh, can I help you?

Hmm. Sugar, sugar, sugar.

Nope. Oh, why not? I'll splurge.

Oh, boy.
This is way too stylish.

Okay. There. Ah, that's normal.

Where's my new, old lucky sock?

There you are, buddy.

Ho!

What just happened?

Ugh!

He really loves those kids.

- That is disgusting.
- Ugh! I hated seeing it.

And case closed.

He's got zero memories from
before the tower collapsed.

- You're welcome.
- All right, all right.

I was wrong.
The old Joker is gone.

I guess the acid
really did change him.

Which is why
I just smoke joints.

Fuck you. That was a good one.

Papa needs his nap.

I guess this is goodbye.

- Oh, jeez.
- Shoot.

Okay, enough.

Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy.

Good news, I'm the DA again.

Bad news, you're under arrest.

Oh.