Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Batman's Back Man - full transcript

[exhales]

For the last time, dude,
get the fuck out of here

with the "Gandalf could just
fly over Middle-earth

and drop the ring
into the fires of

Mount Doom from
atop an eagle" bullshit!

I've clearly laid it out
on a LOTR subreddit.

What do you want to watch?

We could watch Harley Quinn.

[spluttering]

- No!
- Have you seen the show?

Oh, God, no!



It's just another heavy-handed
female empowerment story,

where the true villain is the
quote-unquote "patriarchy."

So basic.

Yeah, I guess.

I heard Harley takes down Joker
at the end of season one!

I'm sorry, but "cucked" isn't a great
color on the greatest villain of all time.

That's what this review says.

- [slurping]
- Hey, you wrote this one.

I can't believe you want
to watch this show.

You know, they just did a three-episode
arc, where Harley beats Penguin,

Riddler and Mr. Freeze,
using nothing but her Mary Sue powers!

Are you sure you haven't
seen the show?

Yeah! 'Cause I'm not
a 12-year old girl.

Also, dude,



why would I watch a show
that's set in Gotham City,

but Batman's barely in it?

You watched
all five seasons of Gotham.

Because it wasn't a fucking
tsunami of virtue signaling.

Here, smart guy.

Let's see what this week's
episode of Harley Quinn is about.

"Harley Quinn and her best friend,
Poison Ivy..."

See?

"...aren't in this episode, which
focuses on Batman waking from his coma

and vowing to take back
Gotham City."

Fuck! Fine! But if it sucks,
we're watching Family Guy.

[theme music playing]

[grunting]

Okay. [groans]

[back cracks]

[grunting]

[sighs in relief]

[dramatic music plays]

Alfred!

- [rod clangs]
- [thuds]

- [Bruce groans] - It's
not as bad as it looks.

Why don't you
come back to bed?

I've made you
a cup of honey tea

and pigs in blankets.

I don't want pigs in a blanket.
I want to fight crime.

I will take that honey tea.

Let's get you back to bed,
Master Bruce. You need your rest.

I've rested enough.
Gotham needs Batman.

And it will get him,
once he's made a full physical recovery.

In the time
you were in a coma,

312 new television shows
came out.

What say we be binge buddies?

- Get me Jim Gordon.
- We needn't bother Mr. Gordon.

He's making sure law and order
are returned to the city.

We are so fucked!

It's a shit show out there!

I saw a dog kill a man
on the street,

and then I saw the dog do
other things to that man.

What, have you been in a
coma these last few months?

No. I've been doing stuff.

Ah! [chuckles] You playboys,
always doing stuff.

Must be nice.

Now, I brought a list of
things I need you to pay for,

so I can take back the city.

One, police officers.
Two, a codpiece that I can wear

that opens up and shoots
a tiny missile.

That doesn't exist.

Not yet.

That's where you
and your fat wallet come in.

Mr. Wayne is not going
to bankroll your imaginary...

Tone it down there, limey.

Now, look, I'm the only one
who can save the city.

At least, since the Bat
abandoned us.

Are there no heroes left
in Gotham?

[groans] Just a couple of
amateurs popping off. Take a look.

[Gordon] This Yankee doodle dandy in a
powdered wig calls himself "The Macaroni."

- [man grunts]
- As in...

♪ Stuck a feather
in his hat... ♪

And you know the rest.

[Bruce] That wig's a walking
"kick me" sign.

If you think that's bad,
check out the broad in the bat suit.

[Gordon] They're calling
her Batgirl.

That's futile. These
lightweights aren't prepared

to go mano y mano
with Two-Face or Bane.

Without Batman, people don't
have the balls to fight back.

I got word
Quinn took down Freeze.

That clown is a pain
in my ass.

- Hey, that's not your chair.
- [grunts]

We're keeping it open
for honorary purposes.

- That's your chair.
- [groans]

Have some respect.

[Bane] Oh, okay.

Does this rule apply
to parking spots?

If so, I'll need to
move my Volvo.

Look, I've been doing
some thinking.

[chuckles]

Oh, sorry, I thought
that was a punchline.

Quinn's on a dare.
And we're next.

Maybe we should
consolidate power

and join forces to protect
ourselves from external threats.

What, you and me? Collab?

Ha! You got your hands full
with Banetown.

Hey, it's the locals.
We say "Bane-ton."

The way you remember it,
it rhymes with Plankton.

That's a soft rhyme at best.

Look, I'm not worried
about Quinn.

Besides, why would I want to
team up with the likes of you?

You don't even have
a big boy chair.

I... [grunting]

- [grunts] - Ah,
don't get your little singlet in a bunch,

I'm just having a goof.

So, are we teaming up?

- No.
- [sad groan]

[music plays]

- [Batgirl] Up here, dummy.
- [camera shutter clicks]

[grunting]

[panting] Hey, guys,
today's safety tip.

Instead of going to a party
this Friday night,

sign up for a self-defense class. Right,
buddy?

This is Batgirl, signing off.

[grunts]

Research, Master Wayne?

This sorority girl can't run
around wearing the bat symbol!

It's gonna make people
think I'm back!

So your quibble is with the
unsanctioned use of your logo, sir?

A, it's not a logo.
It's a symbol,

meant to strike fear into
the hearts of criminals.

And B, if that little girl's
killed while wearing it,

the city of Gotham
will lose all hope.

Well, there's nothing you can
do about it now, Master Wayne.

You can barely make
a solid bowel movement.

Well, maybe Bruce Wayne can't.

But I know someone who can.

[Batgirl grunts]

- [thuds]
- [gasps]

- Who's there?
- Always check your six.

[squealing excitedly]
Oh, my God! Batman?

I am such a stan!

- Hmm.
- I'm wearing your logo.

It's a symbol.

And one you shouldn't
be wearing.

Oh, frick! Is it copyrighted?

I swear to God I'm not making
any money off of it.

It took me years of training to
establish trust with the people of Gotham.

You're out of your depth.
It's not safe.

I appreciate your notes,
but I can handle myself.

- You were saying?
- [gasps]

Oh, my God, you guys,

I have awesome breaking news.

Batman... Yes,
The Batman is back in Gotham.

Do you still have
a million followers?

Actually 1.3 million.

Yeah, but most of them
are bots, right?

- Batman is back!
- Hmm.

Ladies and gents,
going to need you to stay calm

while my associates and I
relieve this establishment

of a little coin.
You know I like coins.

[chuckles] Fill her up,
sweetheart.

No! We're not afraid
of you anymore.

What? Of course you are. Look
at the guns and half my face.

[grunts]

Ow! Ow, fuck!

We're not afraid,
'cause Batman's back.

Just leave us alone.

Yeah.

Wait, Batman's really back?

- [people cheering] - That's
right. Rebellion is in the air!

Batman's back, baby!

And with him,
hope for the people of Gotham!

I'm gonna live forever!
Batman's back!

[woman grunts]

You can wipe that smug look
off your face.

That's not smug.

- This is smug.
- Devastating.

I never said I was back.
Batgirl did.

Yet, you didn't deny it.

And now all of Gotham is as full of
false hope as an undercooked meat pie!

Enlighten me.
Why can't Batman be back?

Still unable
to reach your feet?

I've been rocking slip-ons.
My feet run hot.

But if you think I'm too weak to get
back out there and I'll fail, just say it.

You're too weak
and will fail.

I am strong and will succeed!

Fine. Prove it.
Put these on.

[groaning] Come on.

Come on!

[grunting]

Oh, that's right, you can't.

Seems to me,
the city's protector should be able to

put his sockie-poos
on his feetsies.

But what do I know? I just took you
in after your parents were murdered,

loved you like I would
my own son.

Cared for you unconditionally.

Changed your diapers
when you were in a coma.

You don't know what
it's like to be a warrior.

I'll have you know,
I was in Her Majesty's Royal Navy.

What did you guys fight over?

[in British accent]
Who get the last scone?

On occasion, we did.

Your ego is writing checks

your broken body
cannot cash, sir.

"Your ego's writing checks..."
[blabbering]

Connect me to Lucius Fox.

Oh! There you are, buddy.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.

[sighs]

- [chair squeaking]
- Huh?

How does she ride?
Ain't she a beaut?

Look, it's adjustable. It can
be any height you want it to be.

It's like magic.

Yeah. I love it.

The lower lumbar support
is helpful.

[grunts]

Not a lot of chairs designed for
guys with overdeveloped traps.

You look parched.
Let me get you a drink.

If I remember correctly,
you're a sparkling guy, right?

Aw!

[slurping]

Is that coconut?
[slurping]

Delicious!

Hey, I admit I was
being tough on you yesterday.

But that was just some
good-natured ribbing.

Brotherly love, et cetera.

It felt very personal.

And frankly, mean-spirited.

Well, I've thought about
what you said

in regards to us
joining forces,

and how we're more likely to
survive if we stick together, and I'm in.

Let's do it, you and me,
an equal partnership. Fifty-fifty.

Hmm. Does this have anything
to do with Batman coming back?

- Can I be honest with you?
- Of course.

It does not.

So what do you say,
partner?

As long as it's 50-50.

All right,
now let's talk branding.

We need to communicate
that we're working together,

and not to be fucked with.

I got something I wanna
show you. Hey, boys!

But... That's not a...
That's just a picture of you.

I'm not even on the poster...
[stammers]

Where's the 50 and 50?

What are you talking about?
That's you, right there.

No, that is a shadow.

I was born there,
but that's not me.

And look,
it's only got your name on it!

What are you talking about!

That's you,
that's me. We each got a face. Two-Faces.

I think it's too much
of a thinker.

Nah, everyone knows
that it's the both of us.

Equal partners, right?

[stammers] I would be open to a bus poster,
like the twins poster,

where it's you,
but it says Bane.

And then it's me,
but it says Two-Face.

But I've gotta be
on there.

Otherwise, you know,
this is...

I'm a name.

Loaded with firepower
and razor-sharp weaponry,

the titanium-dipped body armor comes
fitted with a strength-compensation dial.

I've also added a customized AI to
provide tech support and system analysis.

Her name is Monica.

[sighs]

You deserve better, Monica.

[laughing]

Oh, hello, Alfred.

Going behind my back
to have Lucius build you

a bat suit to compensate
for your feeble state?

No, I'm just hanging
with my buddy,

like friends do. Jealous?

Oh, look! A suit of lies.

You cannot fight crime in
your current physical condition.

Yeah. That's what the
suit is for. Tell him, Lucius.

I need to get going.

I have Pilates tonight.

- Alfred.
- Lucius.

You're not getting that suit
and you're not to fight crime.

I forbid it.

Fine. If that's
the way you feel.

Forgive me
if I don't trust you.

This is coming with me.

- [whimpering and grunting]
- [creaking]

The dolly's got a bum wheel.

[Alfred grunting]

Elevator's broken.

[Alfred continues grunting]

[Alfred] No trouble at all.

- [slurping]
- [clanking and thudding]

[snoring]

[softly] Monica.

[swooshing]

[shushing] Quiet.

[swooshing]

[snoring]

[Monica] You're looking great
this evening, Batman.

- [beeping]
- Let's do this!

[grunts]

[grunts]

[Monica] Stun mode activated.

- [pipe clangs]
- [Batman] "Not ready," my ass.

[Monica] Indeed, sir.

[beeping]

[man grunts]

[yelling]

- Who are you working for?
- [whimpers]

[Batman] Two-Face.

[Monica] Threat identified.
Proceed with caution.

- [beeping]
- Bane.

We thought you
were dead, Batman.

Bad news. I'm not.

[Bane grunts]

My beef isn't with you, Bane.
I'm here for Two-Face.

He's clearly running
this operation.

What? No!

[grunting]

- [crack]
- [Batman grunts]

[Bane] I am also
equally in charge.

Not by the look of things.

[Bane grunts]

No! It's Two Faces!

Plural. My face and his face.

I am one of the two faces.
We are partners!

He already has two faces.

If he were your partner,
that would be three faces.

[Bane grunting angrily]

I knew it was too much
of a thinker!

[Bane grunting]

[Monica] Code red.
Threat level, 100%.

[both grunt]

[Batman grunts]

[Monica] Caution. Caution.

[distorting] Cau...

[groans]

I am the shadow
that haunts your darkness!

[Batman sighs]

[Batman] Last chance.

Where's Two-Face?

[grunts]

[Bane] Ahhh!

[Bane yelling]

[Bane grunts]

[yells]

[beeping rapidly]

[yelling]

[Monica] Code red.

[Bane grunts]

[yelling]

- [Bane yelling]
- [groaning]

[Monica distorting] C-Code
red. Proceed with caution.

[grunts]

[Monica] Code red.
Code red. Code red.

[both grunt]

[Bane yells]

- [Batman groans]
- [Bane] I will break the Bat!

- [Bane yells]
- [grunts]

[crackling]

Bane, you gullible fool!

[panting and groaning]
Monica, call Lucius Fox.

[system shutting down]

Well, what do we have here?

Boss is gonna love this.

[laughs] Looks like ya got
your bell rung real good, Batty.

- We cooked up something special for ya!
- [crackling]

Why didn't you wake up
and stop me, Alfred?

To repay you
for years of torment,

we're gonna make a little
video for all of Gotham to see.

[chuckles] Yeah!
Then we're gonna post it!

- [chuckles]
- That's implied, Rick.

Everyone's gonna know it was
Two-face's crew that killed Batman!

[scraping]

You two, go check it out.

[grunts]

[grunts] What the...

It's "The Macaroni."

[grunts]

[grunting]

[access platform whirring]

[grunting]

- [Batman] Who are you?
- My liege.

- Alfred.
- Just doing my part, sir.

That wig is pretty impractical.

[grunts]

Let's get you on your feet.

Just say it.
Say, "I told you so."

A gentleman does not trade
in such pedestrian platitudes.

[grunts]

But he does know
when to ask for help.

A little assistance, my lady.

[Batgirl] Be right there!

[both grunt]

Oh, yikes.

Your legs
are hella jacked up.

One of them's, like, going that way
and the other one's all floppy and stuff.

It's gross.

[Batman] Can you just
help me up?

[old-timey music playing]

- [Bane yelling]
- [explosion]

Jesus, what now!

[yelling]

I was born in hell,
and I demand respect!

I crushed Batman.

Perhaps I should do
the same to you?

Tranquilo, baby, tranquilo!

I want to hear you out, but I cannot
talk to you when you're like this.

I beg you, please, calm down.

Do one of those breathing exercises
you're always telling me about.

Oh, sorry. [groaning]

Better. Now, talk to me.

You said this was
an equal partnership,

but even Batman thinks
you're running Gotham.

Ah, don't listen to bat face.
He's just messing with your head.

[breathing heavily]

[grunting]

- Focus.
- Now, when you say, "Crushed him,"

does that mean he's dead?

His legs were parting
in different directions!

- It was gross.
- In the future,

I think we should just
kill Batman

when we get the chance,
but you did a good job, buddy.

See, I contribute
to this business.

We need a new name
that represents both of us.

The Bane of Your Existence?

Bane Capital?

Not that,
but something like that.

We... we can pitch on it.

It's not the name.
The name's workin'.

What I think is you need to
have room to do your best work.

Space to spread out and
explore all the nooks and crannies

in that big ol'
noggin of yours.

To find what sparks my joy?

Exactly.

And I know just the place
for you to do that.

[Bane groans]

Eh.

[voice breaking]
That's beautiful.

See? Isn't that nice?

Who takes care of you?
Right, buddy?

[gasps] Sweet mother
of Canadian Club!

- Are you sitting?
- Sometimes I sit.

- Never seen it.
- You don't know everything I do.

[sighing] You don't write,
you don't call.

I thought you'd abandoned us.

I would never
give upon Gotham.

Well, uh, I can get you
up to speed real quick.

The city's in the shitter. We
have a lot of work to do, partner.

Should probably start
by taking back the GCPD.

There was a coup, of sorts.

- No.
- Okay, we'll start smaller.

Gotta walk before we can run.

Uh, how about the docks?

No, I mean, I can't work.

[chuckles] I'm trying
to do the math here.

Uh, you're back,
crime's at an all-time high.

What's the problem?

I'm not physically able.
Currently.

- Is that why you're sitting?
- Maybe.

I need a little time to get
back to my fighting weight.

Your fighting weight? Okay.

And how long are we talking?
A week, a month, uh...

Gotham needs a bat!

I agree.

- [crying] And I need a partner.
- Also agree.

And I know
the perfect person for the job.

Jim, meet Batgirl.

It's a real honor to meet you,
Da... Commissioner.

What's she doing here?

Like you said,
the city needs the bat.

The bat inspires fear
in criminals,

and hope
in the people of Gotham.

And with your help,
Batgirl can keep that hope alive.

[chuckling] You want us
to work together?

It's temporary.

The people of Gotham need to
believe that Batman is still out there.

Uh...

[resigned sigh]

We will literally have
the best time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hey, guys, Batgirl here, and I've got some big news!
- [sighs]

- I liked it.
- [slurping]

Batgirl should have
smiled more.

You wanna watch
another one?

Fine. Whatever.

It doesn't come out
for a week?

This distribution model
is ridiculous!

[sighs] Let's just
torrent some hentai.

Theme music playing...