Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Thawing Hearts - full transcript

Theme music playing...

- Ta-da!
- Oh.

What is that?

It's a vagina.

Oh! A human vagina.
Oh, I see it now!

Everyone always draws dicks.
That's sexist.

I'm tryna to flip
the script, bitches.

So beautiful. It reminds me
of my mother.

Listen, Georgia O'Keeffe,

if you hadn't made it so detailed,
we'd still have some fuel left

in that incredibly
powerful gun.



I will not compromise
for my art.

Okay, everyone
into the ice vagina.

Let's go kill Mr. Freeze.

[theme music playing]

I've been dreaming about getting
revenge on this freezer-burned dickhead

ever since he froze me
in a block of ice for months!

I'm thinkin' classic
"stick an apple in his mouth

and roast him
like the pig he is."

- [cell phones chimes]
- Whoa, oh-oh!

- Take a gander at your cellular telephone.
- What?

Oh, my God! He finally did it

and she finally said yes!

- Huzzah!
- Third time's a charm.

Eh, he could do better.



Oh, I love weddings! Me and Ivy
have so much fun at weddings.

We'll get so shit-faced,
we puke,

make fun of
all the dumb couples,

make the DJ play
"Since U Been Gone"

until a dad tries to fight us.

- [goon A] What do you think you're doing?
- [goon B] Stop right there!

- [goon C] Get out of here!
- Spread out.

- [grunts]
- I got news for ya,

this is Ivy's wedding and she's the
dumb couple. You need to find a date.

No way! After the "I dos," it's basically
free time. She'll wanna hang out.

For me, the question is not who I
will bring, but who I will be! [chortles]

I've been working
on a new character, Sandra.

She's single, by choice,
and down to clown!

[goon grunts]

I guess I'll bring
Tabitha of the Hammerhead Clan,

I mean, I am betrothed to her.

[goons screaming]

Post-Joker Harley

wants to hook up with
as many randos as she can.

Ya bring someone to a wedding,
that means you're serious.

Not if you bring a hooker.

You are a vile,
pocket-sized man.

I don't want anythin' serious
with anybody again.

So, I'm going solo.

The only thing I'm serious
about, is gettin' some strange

from one or several members
of that 12-piece jazz band.

Whoo!

Oh, my God! It's Beyoncé!

Oh, my God. It's Lady Gaga!

Harley Quinn,

I have been expecting you
and your insane clown...

Group.

Psycho.

Ah! No! It's too cold!

I've got brain freeze.

I did tell you
to wear a jacket.

It is unfortunate that the cold
displeases you so much,

as the core temperatures
of your bodies are about to

decrease precipitously.

[whimpers in fear]

[Kite Man] Oh, what a dick!

Look what I just got
from my nemesis.

[Poison Ivy] "Congrats on the
engagement. Condiment King"?

What an asshole, right?

Yes, a dick and an asshole.

Wait, why though?
Can you just remind me?

Pff! Uh, where do I begin?

No emojis to convey
the tone, and a period

instead of
an exclamation point?

He's being sarcastic.

But what else should I expect

from my nemesis?

Chuck, are you okay?

No! I'm freakin', Pam!

We have to get
this wedding venue.

Honey, don't put
so much pressure on yourself.

We're just touring one venue,
right?

Ah, no. It's not
just "one venue."

It's the venue!

And if we don't get it, the
whole wedding will be rui...

Hey! Relax.

Okay? All we need
is a dance floor, booze,

and Kelly Clarkson's greatest
hit. We could do it anywhere.

I have been dreaming
of getting married

at the old Gotham corn factory

ever since I saw Melanie
and Clint Howard's nuptials

in Obscure Celebrity
Weddings Yearly.

That photo spread

was like a series of
sick Renaissance paintings,

but way sicker.
That could be us!

So, yeah, I'm a little on edge.

Well, then what
are we waiting for, hon?

- Let's go get that venue.
- Hell yeah!

All we have to do
is impress the venue manager

with our super dope love,
and it is in the bag.

Hey, uh, does this tie
go with this kite?

Okay, no tie goes with a kite.

But you do look
really handsome.

I will now unfreeze you.

Please, do not act
as petulant babies,

for I have no intention
of killing you.

Holy shit!

What are you gonna do to us,
you frigid... [stuttering] Fuck?

Cursing. Hmph.
The crutch of the illiterate.

People call me a murderer,

but that is a misnomer.

You see, I created this lab
for the sole purpose of finding

a cure for my wife's
incredibly rare blood disease.

It's terminal. Which is sad,

right?

- And yet, there is hope.
- [squeaking]

I have been performing a multitude of
experiments on the common snow rat,

which shares 98% of its DNA
with that of a human.

The experiments
have been a rousing success.

- Ah!
- He's lost his shit!

This is a real shampoo factory.

[squeaking]

[gasps]

Your arrival has
proved fortuitous,

as it coincides with my decision to
move on to human experimentation.

[all exclaim]

[squeaking]

You know, speakin'
doctor to mister,

maybe ya wanna
get it right once

with a snow rat before ya move
onto humans?

No. I'm 98% sure

that the 2% difference
in DNA is the issue.

And now that
I have you, Harley,

I can put that theory
to the test.

Maybe we pull straws
to see who goes first?

He is a man shark,

he is like an aged little boy,

and, hmm... A dirt man?

Yeah. Thus, you,
being not only a human,

but also a human woman, are the

- ideal subject.
- Hey!

[grunts]

[goon screams]

[grunts]

[Harley] Ah!

Fuck, again?

I do not know how much
this will hurt, due to the fact

that complete loss of bodily functions
can mean any number of things.

But, were I to venture a guess,

I'd say that it will...
sting a little.

Wait! I know how
we can save your wife!

You're only saying you'll
save her life to save your own.

So what, you don't want me
savin' your wife's life? Okay, I won't.

Hey, relax, relax. Let's not
jump to conclusions.

This is a negotiation.

How do you propose
to perform this miracle?

My friend's a doctor
and the smartest person I know.

Wow! That's the nicest thing
you've ever said about me.

Not you, idiot. Ivy.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Look, freeze, Ivy's
a genius biochemist.

If she can't find a cure,

there isn't one.

Why would Dr. Isley help me?

She wouldn't,
but she'll help me.

Now, let me
out of these restraints,

I'll shoot her a quick text

and she'll come fix your
wife up lickety-split.

This is an
agreeable proposition.

There is only one thing
we can do while we wait...

[dramatic music]

Lunch!

I will go make preparations.

Any food allergies or phobias
I should be aware of?

No? Ha! Wonderful.

[Harley grunts]

Harley, look, I don't want
to question your plan,

but do you really think
Ivy can find a cure?

I mean, Freeze will for sure
kill us if she doesn't.

So we're just breezing past
the whole,

"he's preparing
us lunch" thing?

No idea, but I'm not bringin'
her here and puttin' her in danger.

I'm buyin' us time.

This weirdo is all gross and
obsessed with his dumb, dying wife.

Some might call that "love"?

Whatever. If we take her
hostage and threaten to kill her,

we can get him to give us
his freeze ray. And then,

we can freeze his ass
in a block of ice!

Wow. Great plan.
This is one of your best.

I got one question though.

How the hell are we supposed to find
his wife, when we're frozen to chairs?

Could someone pass
the mac and cheese?

Oh, my God.

What? If I'm going to
pull off the plan,

I need sustenance.

The reason I wanted
to do this lunch is,

Nora hasn't hosted guests

in quite some time.
So I thought,

this will be fun for her.

Her options are limited.

Jesus, that blue perv gets
his jollies by freezin' women.

Everyone, let us begin consumption
of the bounty I have prepared.

Okay, change of plans.
As a former ice-block victim

and now champion of ice-blocked
women all over the world,

I decided we're gonna
save his wife first,

then kill him.

[Kite Man] Four minutes
early, perfect.

Eager, but not desperate.

That's late in my book, bro.

Mitchell, what the hell
are you doing here?

Oh. Didn't you hear?

You're not the only world-famous villain...

- ...engaged in this town.
- [Ivy scoffs]

I'm sorry, "world-famous"?
Come on.

Wedding venues are tough to
come by in new New Gotham.

And there's only
one unbooked weekend left.

So, it looks like
you've got some competish

from the Condiment King.

[laughs]

I'm not getting married in any
place with the stink of condiments.

And I'm not getting married
anywhere that reeks of kite!

Oh, yeah. Kites are odorless.

Unless, uh... They do get wet
or if you store them improperly, I...

Chuck, we can do this wherever.

I will not yield!

Once the manager sees the biggest
power couple in Gotham is in his presence,

and how sick our love is,

he'll kick your
ranch-loving ass

all the way back
to the Hidden Valley.

Gonna be tough to impress him
with that stain on your suit.

[stammering] What stain?
There's no stain!

Ah!

That one.

[laughs]

All right, Condiment King,
Becca, you got here first,

so let me take you on the tour.

For the schmutz on your suit.

[classical music playing]

[Mr. Freeze] Mmm...

[slurps]

[chuckles]

Why's he doing that?
What's wrong with your face?

Small man, as the consumption
of cooked meats

increases my body temperature
and puts me at risk of death,

please, a little favor. Describe
the mouthfeel of your steak.

Um...

Butter-like?

Mmm, like butter. Yes.

All right, this is some weird
Silence of the Lambs shit.

Ah! I see you
found your appetite,

my eager little snow rat.

So, how'd y'all meet?

Was she alive then?

It's a funny story. Nora, you
tell it better than I do.

Oh, she's being shy. [chuckles]

I'll tell it.

Nora was the owner of
a mom-and-pop cryogenics lab,

and I was determined
to squash it.

You see, as the CEO
of a multinational corporation,

I had a duty
to my shareholders.

Expand or die.

Now, seemingly unrelated,

I had really hit it off with an
enchanting stranger online.

You'll never guess who it was.

- Your wife.
- Meg Ryan?

- Nora.
- Yeah. Like I said,

she tells it better.

[chuckles] Huzzah!

A meet-cute for the ages.

All I hear is a story
of a big swinging dick

coming in and ruining
a woman's livelihood.

Oh, you grinch.

Look, you'll have to
excuse my friend here.

She's all sour
on love right now.

Yeah, she's not even taking a
date to her best friend's wedding.

Ooh, is there turmeric in this?

That is a swift kick, nice.

I suspect your cynicism comes from
never having experienced true love.

Oh, yeah, this is
definitely turmeric.

I'll tell you about true love,
you fuckin' bitch!

True love made me sacrifice
my career as a psychologist,

permanently change
the way I look,

and almost got me killed,
like, so many times.

Love is bullshit!

[dramatic music playing]

- [oven dings]
- Oh, spinach puffs.

I will never forgive Joker

for the damage he's done
to your heart.

Making you give up on love

was perhaps his greatest
crime of all.

I'm also willing to bet
that your outburst

nearly cost us spinach puffs.

Who cares about the puffs?

We're imprisoned by the person
we came here to kill!

We need to get that gun.

I'm just eating my feelings.

His story was so moving.
[chuckling and chewing]

Problem solved.

Not entirely. The steak
is under-seasoned,

and there doesn't seem to be
a grain of salt on the table.

God! Your stupidity
is astounding.

Clayface, grab the gun,
de-ice us, then give me the gun.

- Great plan, boss!
- Unbelievable.

Do me first. I'm so cold,
my nuts are the size of Dippin' Dots!

Is that unusual for you?

What? No!

I have regular-sized...

Whoopsies!

I think I speak for me and
Harley, when I say, thank you.

Let me find this.
Ah, there we are.

...testes!

Sure, they're store-bought,
but you...

Listen up, you crazy asshole.

I'm not buyin'
your bullshit story!

I know your wife ain't sick.

She probably
tried to leave you,

and you couldn't handle it,
so you fuckin' froze her.

What are you doing?

Giving her the freedom
you denied.

You're just like my ex,
you creepy control freak.

Nora's not your
property anymore!

Harley, you don't know
what you're doing!

This is for ruining
her small business.

Ahhh!

Now that you don't have
your stupid gun,

I'm gonna kill you.

[Nora coughing]

See? I told ya she was fine,
ya piece of shit!

My love, that I
gaze upon your face

can only mean one thing.

You've found a cure!

I'm not going to die

of this incredibly rare

blood disease anymore,

and we can spend the rest

of our lives together.

[gasps, sighs]

I'm sorry, what was that?

You've condemned her to death.

You better hope your friend Ivy
can find a cure,

or I'm going to blow this
entire place up

and kill us all.

Right. Let me check on her ETA.

Wait. You're telling me aioli is just
mayo mixed with something else?

Little bit of an
industry secret. [chuckles]

- It goes great on corn.
- Get outta town!

No, don't get outta town,
you got a wedding.

[gasps] Oh, hi!

I thought I smelled a kite.

[laughs]

Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez!

Look at those two,
thick as thieves.

Dreams are stupid.

Never gonna get this place.
We should just leave.

Hey! Hey! Up here.

Okay? Fuck that guy,
he's a dick.

I know how important this is to
you, okay, so I'm prepared.

We're gonna go in there,

we're gonna blow that manager's
goddamn socks off.

- [Stew] And this is, of course...
- [Kite Man] The staircase,

made famous by
Mr. And Mrs. Clint Howard.

It was the cover shot.

Ah, ooph! I've got goose bumps.

Do you think this place

is just a wedding mill
for Hollywood royalty?

Oh, no. Of course not.

I mean, the old
Gotham corn factory

is just so rich with history.

You know, I think that's what
we really connect with.

Oh, really? What exactly
do you know

- about this place?
- [cell phone rings]

Ah! It's Harley,
and she never calls...

eleven times,
unless it's an emergency.

[sighing] Ha! Uh, corn...

Um, the maize... Yeah, venue...

Ah, fiancée... The love...
Um, well, uh,

you know, Per...
I'm a husk guy.

- So, uh...
- Babe, I'm so sorry,

Harley's gotten herself into some
serious trouble, and I have to go save her.

I'm sorry. I love you.
I love you! [blows kiss]

So you were about to
enlighten me

on your personal
connection to corn?

Uh...

Um...

Uh...

Did I misread
the situation? Yes.

But Ive, if you'd seen him feed her soup,
you'da done the same.

They'll find a cure, my love.

But if they don't,
we will die together.

Because I'm blowing
the whole place up!

No, you are not!

Hey, would it speed things up if I
got ya a microscope for the other eye?

Yeah, no. But BTdubs,

thanks so much for getting me
involved in this.

I actively tried not to put ya
in the situation.

And then what happened?

Well then,
I... I fucked up the situation.

There it is.

I didn't know what else to do!

Other than call the smartest,
coolest, hottest person I know.

Well, that is true.

Look, Freeze is crazy!

He orchestrated the whole
Injustice League hit on me.

How absurd.

I woke up in a block of ice.

That's your signature move!
You tried to kill me!

Everyone else
wanted to kill you,

but I convinced them
to freeze you.

As you can imagine,

a group of white,

cis-gendered, heterosexual,
male, crime lords,

they loved the idea
of turning a woman

into a helpless
object of mockery.

- Oh.
- Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

You've falsely accused the most
woke ice-themed villain

in all of new New Gotham.

Okay, this is crazy,
but I think I might have our answer.

Uh...

- [cell phone rings, buzzes]
- Oh, thank God.

I... I gotta take this.
Sup, babe-arino?

Ah, yeah... Oh. Your
old greenhouse? Yeah...

Hey, remember
when we were there

and I had a couple
too many margs,

and next thing you know...
Oh... Oh, it is urgent?

Anything for you.

My betrothed needs
the K-man ASAP.

If you leave right now,

this is definitely going to
affect my decision.

Positively? Because you'll see

how much I love my fiancée
and will do anything for her,

which is far more important

than any corn connection
we might have?

- Absolutely not.
- Well...

The things we do
for love, right?

[sighs]

I wouldn't know.

Just to double-check, what
color petals am I looking for?

[Poison Ivy] Magenta.

[Kite Man] Right, right.

That... That's like
a reddish pink?

No, no. It's a purplish pink.

Don't touch the reddish pink
ones, they're paralytic, okay?

Cool. And, uh, ballpark,

uh, how long does
that take to kick in...

[stammers] You know what?

Doesn't matter,

'cause I definitely didn't
touch the reddish pink one.

There in a few.

Oh, boy!

Ah! [groaning]

[grunts]

[groaning]

I touched the reddish pink one.

Uh, yeah, I see that.

Don't worry, it's...
It's gonna wear off.

Okay, looks good.

Okay, so Nora needs
a blood transfusion,

but unfortunately,
her blood type

is as rare as
her blood disease.

Ever my unique butterfly.

Once you inject this serum,
it will change your blood type to Nora's.

And then, we can give your
healthy blood to your wife.

[imitating Borat] "Your wife!"

But, the transfusion
will kill you.

[all gasp]

My condolences.

Why the hell did you
have to say the death part?

Now he's going to
make one of us do it!

Well, I've never been more
thankful for my shark blood.

And, as previously stated,

I am a dirt thing,
so it won't work on me.

This is bullshit.

No, it must be my sacrifice.

The only reason I've suffered
through life

in this godforsaken cryo-suit,

is to find a cure for Nora.

If that time has come,

then I greet my end
with open arms.

Holy shit, that's insane.

It is not insane,

for if you truly love someone,

you will do anything for them.

My beautiful girl.

Goodbye, my love.

Have the life
I could never give you.

I will never stop loving you.

No!

[crying]

[sobbing]

Oh, God!

I'm feeling feelings!

I've never seen
truer love than that.

Damn. That's nothin'
like what Joker and I had.

I guess that would be
kinda nice.

Oh. Don't be
too hard on yourself.

We've all been
in toxic relationships

that skewed
our thoughts on love.

Leslie.

Chin up, Harls. I mean,
if I can find true love,

then there's hope for you too.

I'm so happy for you guys.

[Nora sobbing]

And my condolences to you.

He seemed like
a really great guy.

Yeah, good guy.

- So, so sorry.
- He was a real mensch.

Can we go now?

Oh, my God! Get out of here!

Babe, I'm just... I'm so sorry
that I left the venue.

I know how much
this meant to you,

and I hope I didn't
mess it all up.

While I totes appreesh the apology,
I realized something today.

It doesn't matter
where we get married,

the only thing that matters,
is that I get to marry you.

I don't even care
about the ven...

[phone rings]

I knew my selfless gesture
would be rewarded.

Ah! It's just like
the end of a rom-com!

You're go for the K-man.

Hope you had a backup venue,
you kited douche!

- [Condiment King laughing]
- Mitchell?

No, put Stew on.

- No, he's right.
- [laughs] Looks like you didn't...

"cut the mustard." [laughs]

Oh, Jesus, here we go.

You'll always be
trying to "ketchup" to me.

- [laughs]
- He can't be serious.

[laughs]
"Mayo" have a good day.

He is.

"Tartar" for now.

Closer.

I think he's
my nemesis now, too.

Theme music playing...