Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Trapped - full transcript

Three, two, one...

Yay!

Ah, that was successful.

Come on, We can't get
into Mr. Freeze's territory

so why not we just
let him keep it, all right?

Because he froze
my living body

then put me on display
for my enemies to mock!

And now
you're freezing us!

The cycle of violence is real.

I will not rest
until we bury

each and every one
of these Injustice League
motherfuckers



who stole Gotham from me!

So get meltin'.

What? They're dumping
toxic waste into the harbor?

I've gotta stop these assholes.

- That happened like two weeks ago.
- -It did?

-Yeah.
-How did I miss that?

Well, it certainly wasn't
because you were attending
my one man performance

- of Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking.
- -Ooh.

I went!
He's no Vanessa Redgrave.

- I had my own take!
- Fire in the hole!

Whoo!

What the hell kinda
ice is this?

The kind
you're never gonna see
the other side of!

Yeah,
nothing burns hot enough...



Oh, except Firefly's flame--

- Fred!
- Oh.

You almost told them
about Firefly's flamethrower!

Oh, well, great, Kevin,
now you did. You dummy.

Sweet, I'll just
kick that guy's ass
and take his fire gun.

Yeah. Cool idea.

Did you get it from reading
Doctor Trap's diary?

Sorry, wait.
Who's Doctor Trap?

Oh, my God! Dude!

He's the guy that looted
all the villain's lairs
when the city fell.

He's got a whole collection
of powerful crap

at the Gotham Natural
History Museum

including the aforementioned
fire gun.

Oh, right.

- Shit!
- -Thanks for all your help!

Text us if you think
of anything else!

All right, listen. We get in,
grab this flamethrower,
and get out.

Then there's this trash fire
barbecue place near here

I've been dying to try out!

Sounds muy delish!

But we got a lot
of leftover chili
to get through.

You guys are making
too much chili, okay?

You never wanna
go out anymore!

You know, we made
a pretty steep investment
in our slow cooker,

so we just have to kinda
get our money's worth,
you know?

Babe, you mention it's mild?

I didn't sleep last night,
I was so amped.

I know.
Me too, right?

-Thanks for the ride, babe.
-Anytime, babe.

Turns out in
a post-apocalyptic world,

kites are pretty crucial.

You know, you don't have
to say that every time
you drop us off, okay?

I packed you
a high-protein snack
for a long lasting energy.

For later. Wink.

Did he just say "wink"?

Yeah.
It's like an inside joke.
Whatever.

Hey, so, I've been
meaning to talk to you
about something.

And listen, don't take this
the wrong way,

but as your BFF,
and only F,

I think you can do better
than Kite Man.

And what's the right way
to take that?

You know,
now that you're branching out

from only caring about
things with branches,

you gotta get out there,
just play the field!

You're the new Poison Ivy!

I mean, you don't have
to commit to the first guy
who's nice to you.

Uh, your ex-boyfriend
tried to kill you
several times.

It was an inside joke?

Maybe you just don't know
what it's like to be

treated well by someone
who truly loves you.

Aw. Now I've got
smashin' blue-balls!

Now I can
get on with my day.

Wow. This feels like
a lot of extra security
for free Museum Day.

Come, please,
enter the lair of Doctor Trap.

I dare you!

Ooh, I dare.

Sorry. Are you Dr. Trap,

or is that your boss?
Actually, it doesn't even matter.

Just tell him that
we want no trouble,

and we're just here
to grab Firefly's flamethrower,

and then we're gonna be
on our way.

The treasure
is all yours if you can
best my traps.

So, I beg you.

Enter!

Why are you
so obsessed with us?
Just give us the gun.

Yeah, we actually
don't want to get into
a whole thing with you.

Hey, is that
Penguin's umbrella?

Ooh, I kinda want that.

It's worth more now
that I killed him.

Well, that seems like overkill.

You know, I'd love to find
a way to do this without being
burned alive on a spike.

Uh, yeah,
we're gonna have to like,
rethink this, Harls.

Hey, Dr. Wheelbarrow,

toss me one of them
fresh biscuits!

I am trying to carbo-load here.

- Don't hassle me!
They're for the hyenas!

Hey, buddy, buddy, bud,
open you mouth, Lou.

Come on. One day
I'll return the favor.

Really? If you wanted
to do an evil collab,

you should've invited me
to join the Injustice League!

And given me my
own damn slice of this city!

You and me
in the same board room?

No wonder those mangey curs
are laughing at you.

You listen to me, butt face!

I was a huge supervillain

before my reputation
was ruined over some
innocent locker room talk!

And now, you're a babysitter.

Are you in a club?

Is there a classic series
of books about you?

No! Because you
don't have friends

and you don't go on heists!

I love The Baby-Sitters Club.

Claudia is my girl!

I was more of
a Mallory fan myself.

I, too, went through
an awkward period.

That is it!

Oh, no!

My feeble mind. You...

You've infiltrated it.

Psych!

You can't control my mind.

I'm an A-lister.
I'm too smart.

And you're just a weak
washed-up goon.

Oh, really? Can a goon give you
a makeover with his mind?

How about something
to help with your oily skin?

Maybe some little rouge?

Not too much! I mean,
you're not an old
French whore, are you?

Unless you are,
in which case,
here's some toilet water!

I love it.

Do you have something
for thinning hair?

Ugh,
I hate this place.

When I go to lunch,
I want a meal
not a grouping of sides.

And I want that flamethrower,

not a spike through my head
from Dr. Get A Life.

So I called the best burglar
in all of Gotham

and this is where
they wanted to meet.

Wait. Why'd you say "they?"

-It's Catwoman, isn't it?
-Aren't you excited? Ah!

You're good friends!
Reunited! For a heist!

I mean,
three badass ladies

takin' down that sackless
dweeb Dr. Trap,

then stealin'
his priceless artifacts.

Oh, this is gonna be
so crazy, sexy, cool!

Just like when you two
teamed up for that
fun Amazon thingie.

Fun amazon thingie?

You know she screwed me
over on that.

That was years ago.
People change.

Who even remembers
what happened?

Um, she didn't help me
take down those loggers,

she ditched me
for a blood diamond

leaving me to pay
for the entire hotel bill.

And she got a ton
of spa treatments.

There was like all kinds
of scrubs that
I've never even heard of!

Okay, then maybe
this'll be like
a much needed exercise

in emotional boundaries
for ya? Huh?

No, no see, you don't get it.

Selina's like,
she's so confident and cool.

And somehow, she just like,
draws you in by being aloof.

You know, you just see her,
and you're like,
"Ah, I want to be like that."

And then, you see her
wearing overalls,
and you're like,

"Oh, maybe I want overalls."

And then suddenly, you have
a closet full of overalls
that don't look good on you.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Can we just leave
before she gets here?

Oh, hi, hi. Yes.

-Nice jacket.
-What this?

Oh, yeah...
I was thinking about donating it actually.

It's just like this style's
gotten so trendy, you know?

Cobb salads, all around.

See, she always does this,
she orders for everyone.

So controlling.

I got your message about
the museum, Harley.

Oh. Uh, yeah, you know,
in light of some recent
retellings of old stories

I should've paid more
attention to, maybe we--

They have an Egyptian ruby

I've been thinking
about wanting.

Ah, rubies,
that's so classy. Yes.

They're like fun
and timeless,

but like way less obvious
than a diamond.

So, I'm in.

Wow! Just like that?

Do you really like
this jacket or were you
just saying that you did?

What do you think?

-What do you think?
-What's happening?

Actually, the truth is

we're just not comfortable
working tog--

Ah, this is so awesome!

I mean, I just can't wait
to get started.

I mean, you were so right
about these Cobb salads,

it's amazing. I mean,
I don't eat meat or whatever,

but I can just push them away.
And I mean, look at us,

we're like the Cobb squad!
You know?

Should we all get
matching tattoos?
I mean, I'm kidding. Or am I?

I mean, we could do it, right?
I know a guy.

Ive, she just stole
your favorite jacket.

I know, but it looks
so much better on her.

Is she always late?

Yes. It is a power move.

Well, it's not even original.

I've been stood up
by badder-asses.

Here, kitty, kitty!

Are you always this impetuous?

Give me a dictionary,
and I'll tell ya.

A chauffeur?
You must be doing well.

He's my boyfriend.

And she's my girlfriend.

-Cute.
-So, what's the plan?

I was thinking,
first, we smash through
the skylight, then--

Don't catsplain breaking
and entering to me.

The plan is,
I handle the traps,

you follow me.

I'm not used
to working in a team,
so keep your distance.

All right, ladies,
have fun taking down
that beta cuck.

-Babe, are you not coming?
-Oh, no.

My biggest fear is traps.

And space.

No kites in space there, so...

I'm gonna hang back,
keep watch.

Maybe pick up some
iced coffees for you strong,
female anti-heroes.

Ugh, it's her signature move!

Psst, Harley.

What are we at a play?
What do you want?

So, uh, earlier...

I was lying.

Yeah, I thought it was
too loser-y to be
afraid of traps.

No, I am very afraid,
but I'm going in anyway.

There's a diamond shaped
like a leaf in there

that'll make the perfect
engagement ring for Ivy.

She loves stuff with leaves!

Are you sure Ivy wants to take
this next step with you?

Maybe take a lesson
from the slow cooker

and let that shit simmer, huh?

No way! Our love is cooked
to perfection.

So, traps be damned!
I'm getting the diamond.

There is no trap in the world
that could stop me!

But if one does,

tell Ivy it's okay
to love again

after an appropriate
mourning period, mmmkay?

Ugh!

Shit! They're gone.

Thanks, dude. Now I have
no idea how to get
the flamethrower.

It's probs
in the armory exhibit.

Ooh, I bet they have
some sick arrowheads.

Love to peep those babies
if we have time. Follow me.

You're willing to go first
into this death trap?

If herein lies
my lady's diamond,
then totes.

Works for me.

Survived my first trap.

That wasn't a trap,
that was a pencil.

So, you have a boyfriend, huh?

Rolling him like
we did those loggers?

-Oh, no. We're dating.
-Dating?

Yeah, you know,
we like eat dinner,
we have sex,

complain about the crew.
You know?

Heads up!

Hmm. You hate people.

Yeah. I mean,
now I hate most people.

I guess a lot has changed
since the last time
we hung out.

I guess, you know, I have
more than just my journal
to confide in, you know?

Oh, no!

My question is
where did he find
the contractors to do all this?

- You know what I'm saying?
- Please.

Evil construction's
a booming business
in new New Gotham.

Selina!

Don't stress me out.

So, what are you gonna
do with this flamethrower?

Melt a climate change
denier's summer home?

I'm helping Harley

get revenge
on Mr. Freeze, so...

-You mean, you're retired?
-What? No!

I've just been busy,
you know, with life,
and, and, and...

So what do you care?

I'm just trying to understand.

You used to have
such a clear brand.

What's the last thing
you did for the environment?

Well, when's the last time
you stole a jewel?

Girl, please.

I'm never not
stealing jewels.

Nets!

The sworn enemy
of the kite!

Along with a mild summer.

Watch your fingers.

Whoa,
is that Deathstroke's sword?

Let's just go back!
I bet they have
the flamethrower

and they're waiting
for us outside.

No! This may come
as a shock,

but I could never
do better than Ivy.

-I know.
-You know, she pretends
to hate everyone,

but under that,

I've never known
a more supportive,

understanding, caring,

and funny woman
who can control plants.

She deserves the world!

So, the least I can do

is give her the most
beautiful ring

medieval Europe has to offer!

All right, let's get you
that ring, sport.

Another net!
No, no, no, no! It's worse.

- It's a spider web!
- It's nature's net!

Come on.

Of course I could run a crew.

You've seen what
my brain is capable of.

They don't get me.

What I don't get is
why you need
validation from me!

That suggests a weak mind!

You're just a crazy hair,
weak-minded motherfu--

The Riddler is missing!

What do you mean,
"The Riddler is missing?"

That's the shit
I'm talking about!

I mean, missing, like,
he's not where he's
supposed to be!

- Shit!
- I'm so worried.

But I'm the only one
with the keys!

Lavender sage.

He must've used
all the body butter

you threw at him to slip out.

Oh, how the Riddler
hath played you.

Harley will be most displeased.

Displeased?

She's gonna fuckin' kill me!

This was the one thing
she told me to do!

That of course, and feed
the koi in the fountain,

but I breaded
and fried those fuckers!

It's amazing
how good you are
at running a crew!

Oh, fuck!

There's no reason
to freak out
over a lost prisoner.

Unless...

you've built a rapport in order
to gain their trust to break them,

but in the process
they've broken you.

I guess what I'm sayin' is,

did anyone fall in love
with the Riddler?

Come on. Show of hands.

Is that a hand I see
in the back there?

Oh, no,
that's a massage chair.

Oh, look! He left a riddle.

"Who's running loose
in the mall

but not one of y'all?

And who will never run a crew

'cause this prisoner
slipped through?

Now, let the chase ensue.

If you ever find this note,
you dumb..."

Oh, it just gets
dirty from there.

Oh, he's pay for this!

All right, Sy,
you take the mezzanine,

King Shark, you take
the fountains and bathrooms,

Clayface, take
the ground floor!

I'm gonna supervise
over walkie-talkies,

which is the hardest
and most leadership-heavy
part of a split up.

Now split!

This teamwork is suffocating.

I don't know how
you live this way.

Yeah, I mean, I guess
it just sorta happened,

but you know,
I mean, I like it.

I mean, you could
try it sometime.

Oh, a deadly game
of Hopscotch.

Step where I step.

Hoppity, hoppity.

Oh, it's like
she's dancing on air.

Whoa, those are
sick arrowheads.

Oh, careful now.

Oh, no. Someone had
an extra helping of salad.

This whole museum
field trip doesn't feel
like your scene.

Maybe you need to reevaluate.

Oh, I don't think so.
Do you think so?

I mean, how strongly
do you think so?

You know what, never mind.
I'm good with it.

I am. I'm happy about
my decision. Right?

Oh, goodie!

I didn't miss stealing
the flamethrower.

Wait, how did you get
past the traps?

Get them off of me!

Get them off of me!

Oh, no, I'm good.

Oh, my God!
What's wrong with your face?

Oh, bad reaction to
my new deodorant, babe.

Back to the
chemical stuff.

Here's your super soaker.

Pleasure doing
business with you.
Now let's get outta here.

Wait, babe,
what are you doing here?

I had to get
something for you.

There's a special question
that I have been waiting
to repop.

Oh. Um...

Can we do this later?

Last time I tried,

I didn't have a ring.

But now,
nothing can go wrong.

Uh, Poison,

Gertrude Ivy, my love,

my life, uh...

will you do me
the honor of...

Where's my ring?

Gotta go. Girl power.
And all that.

Wow, what a cold B.

Well, thank you.
Exit through the gift shop.
Not!

Wait, that's your real voice?

Yes. We'll see
what your voice sounds like

when you've survived
several trap-related mishaps.

You're all going
to die in my trap!

Come on, come on, come on!

Somebody give me
a goddamn update!

I'm having quite
an emotional experience here.

You ever vibrate
at just the right setting

to really connect to a
Baby-Sitters Club audiobook?

Anybody?

He's on foot.

Calm down, he can't
have gotten far.

And he's got a walkie-talkie!

Over! Ten four! Copy that!

Did you copy that, Psycho?

Find him, you morons!

Ah-ha! I've got the target
in my sights.

You sure?

Uh, it could be
a massage chair.

It's not.

Or it could be me.

Just take the shot!

Oh, yeah, shoot me. Shoot me.

If I go down
for this, I'm taking
all of you with me!

There you are,
you little rat bastard.

Ah!

I'll get the ring
back from her,
it's no biggie.

The important thing is
that, um...

From the day I met you--

I knew...

Smash away,
smashy pants!

You know, this is
one of my fave five traps,

made out of the same stuff
as airplane windows.

Listen, Ivy, before we get
smushed to death,

-will you--
-Ugh!

Catwoman could've easily
gotten us out of this.

She got herself out
and that's all
she cares about.

Fuck her! She sucks!

I just want you to know
that every part of me--

Yeah, I just honestly
don't think it's such
a bad way to be,

only worrying about yourself.

I mean, there's something
to be said for not getting
smushed to death.

- I'm messing this up.
- We're only here
because of her!

No, no, no, we're here
because of your
stupid fire gun

that probably
won't even work.

It's a plasma flamethrower,

and it can melt any...
Oh, duh!

I love the shape of your
sharp elbows, and, uh--

And because I don't
even know what's
important to me anymore.

I mean, Catwoman has
it all figured out.

She knows what she wants
and she gets it.

She has 19 cats.

She can never go on vacation.

I mean, imagine,
finding someone to watch them.

Fire in the hole!

Ivy, will you marry--

- Stop!
- Not the right time?

No, it's not
the right time.

I don't know if it'll ever
be the right time.

And I don't know if I ever
wanna get married, okay?

Damn it, that would've been
great for a trap.

No, no, no, there's no need
to keep interacting.

You beat my traps.

You're free to go!

And you're free to... Um...

Shut your trap, Trap!

Well, you've returned
without the customary
"heading back" text. Rude.

Did you get the gun?

Yup. This'll burn down
Freeze's wall and...

Why does it look like
you guys had
a harder night than me?

'Cause we did!

Oh, fine, you broke me!

Riddler's on the loose.

We can't find him.

We think he ate Psycho.

What? Psycho lost Riddler?

He's a shmuck, I told him.

I don't know why
he's on the crew.

Okay. Let's fan out,
check the cupboards
and cubbies,

keep your eyes low,

we'll find him
before Riddler eats him,

and someone order
a damn pizza!

One pizza comin' up.

Yoo-hoo!
What's round and moving much slower

than when I was inside of it?

Why's he gotta be
so cute about everythin'?
It's so ew.

Let me out!

Psycho, your job was
to guard someone
who was chained up.

You could've just read a book
and this wouldn't
have happened!

May I recommend
The Baby-Sitters Club?

The series that focused
on Stacey's diabetes

was so moving.

Oh, bullshit!

You made me
a glorified mall cop!

I am trying to take down
the Injustice League here!

I don't have time
to recapture my prisoners!

Your boy's an idiot.

-Agreed.
-Oh, if you're
so smart, Einstein,

why didn't you just leave?

I'm gonna tell you why.

'Cause you fear my wrath.

Yeah. Right.

It's a waste land out there.

In here, I get three squares,
plenty of cardio.

I'm in the best shape
of my life,

plus there's
free entertainment

watching you idiots

fail to accomplish
even the simplest of tasks.

I'll escape when
I'm good and ready.

God, what
is this, fucking Candyland?

Hey! What are you up to?

You know, just getting back
in touch with my roots.

Very cool. Very cool.

I mean, how am I
gonna have time
to focus on my goals

when I'm responsible
to so many people now?

You know? It's like,
this is just not where I saw
my life going.

Hmm, I hear ya.
I mean, I thought I'd be married to Joker by now.

But do you really think
your life was better
before all this,

when you were
more like Catwoman?

Yeah, 'cause no one's
stopping her from doing
what she wants.

Like punishing Ace Chemical's
board of directors

for illegal dumping
of toxic waste!

You know,
when I met Kite Man,
I thought he was a total dweeb

who didn't even deserve
to breathe the same air as you.

-Yeah, me, too.
-Then he started
hanging around more

and I still
didn't really like him.

But today, he risked his life
to get you that diamond
you wanted.

-I didn't want that diamond.
-Yeah, I know.
It's totally not your taste.

-It's too whimsical.
-Far too whimsical.

But I saw a less lame
side of him

and I'm starting to get it.

-He grows on you, right?
-Yeah.

Ive, you're never
gonna be Catwoman

because you have people
that love you.

People who want
the best for you.

People who will help you
with your goals if you let 'em.

-Can I do one?
-Sure.

No, please!

I know I'm happier now.

-And cooler.
-Hmm, not cooler,

but I guess
it's hard to let go
of your past self, huh?

You don't have to.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Uh, full disclosure,
I'm a little bit wasted.

Fair enough.
Can I come in?

Come on.

Look, I... I know
it's not your fault

that I don't have the life
that I thought I would.

And I took my frustrations
with myself out on you.

And I'm sorry.

I want what you want, babe.

And if you need more time,
that's good with me.

- No presh.
- But...

If you wanted
to ask me again...

Oh, I get it.
You're not ready.

And you know what?
Maybe I'm not ready.

-Now's good.
-You sure?

'Cause I can't do this
a fourth time.

I'm ready.

Ask me.