Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Riddle U - full transcript

C'mon. C'mon. C'mon.

Oh, my God, you piece of shit!

Ugh, damn it!

How is a girl suppose to
plan her takeover of Gotham.

If she can't see her kill board?

It's only six people, Harls. And two of
them were dead when you made this list.

Well, I wanted to give
us a head start.

Like when you put your own
money in the tip jar

at the beginning of
your barista shift.

Ah! Mazel! How'd ya
make all these candles?

Definitely not with the
rendered fat of dead zebras.



Well, then I guess it
remains a mystery.

Ugh. We need power!
We can't keep depending

on runaway zoo animals for
Psycho to make candles out of.

I made hats, too.

Gotham is a wasteland.
No one has reliable power.

Riddle me this,

what's the only place in Gotham

with a still-intact power
plant and running water?

Well, it's right here!
At Riddle U!

Where the young and promising
can charge their cell phones

and their brains.
Right, three girls?

Yes, Dean Riddler.

Mmm. Now, that's clean water.

That asshole's the
only one with power.



We're gonna kill him next
and steal it for ourselves.

Ive, hope you're
vaccinated for HPV

'cause we're goin' to college.

Harley, you know we're too old

to get the HPV vaccine, right?

Okay, here's the plan.
We pretend to be coeds,

sneak into Riddle U,
kill the Riddler,

maybe go to a sick party, and then we
have all the power and water to ourselves.

Ooh! What are you
gonna charge first?

I'm gonna blow dry my hair!

- As an actor...
- Not an actor!

I know a thing
or two about acting.

To go undercover you must
become the cover.

So much so that you can no
longer even remember your true self.

Like a young
Mr. Jonathan Depp in

the television series
21 Jump Street,

and a very old Mr. Jonathan Depp

in the feature film
21 Jump Street.

Yeah, you're not coming with.

I agree, Clayface shouldn't go

but your boo...
Stephanie is mad-stoked

to hook up with you on the quad.

- Oh, God...
- What up?

It is I, Stephanie,

a fun, yet bookish transfer
student from Chico State.

Yeah. Stephanie's
not going either.

No, she's not.

You, however, are going
to a padded room.

You're way harsher than the
girls who drove me out of Chico.

I can't spill the deets 'cause
of the impending lawsuit, so...

All right, Ive,
are you ready for all-night study seshes,

talkin' philosophy
and smokin' cloves,

puttin' up any poster we
want in our dorm room! Ah!

You know what, I do have an Indigo
Girls poster that does need a wall.

Oh, my God! All right,
while you two geriatric coeds

are rediscovering yourselves,

the rest of us are makin' zebra
candles and chewin' on water!

So it was zebras...

Oh! At least the mouse
is alive this time.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God!

I drank two quarts of that shit.

I fear we may not
survive until your return.

Then you and Psycho find
a water filter. Great idea!

Ive, hope you're vaccinated for
HPV 'cause we're goin' to college!

- Yeah. You said that already.
- I know,

but when I said it nobody knew
the plan so nobody laughed.

Sure.

Let us in, let us in, let us in!

Put us down on that tower.

Oh, if my girlfriend sees me

hanging out with you
hot young coeds...

- Ugh.
- She's going to be green with envy.

Oh, my God, fuckin' gross.

- I thought it was cute, babe.
- Nice.

Morning, students.

Riddle me this, what's priceless
but still costs 60k a year?

- Riddle U.
- It's better than Harvard.

Carry on.

Pretty lazy riddle, but he
is right about Harvard sucking.

And that's was Water
Fountain 29 where you can get

the best Riddler water
in all of new, New Gotham.

Oh, my God, it's so interesting.

So, like, I have a question.

Where is the Riddler right now?

I'm sorry. Were you two
on the tour when we started?

I don't see your name tags.

Oh, we told you at
the beginning of the tour

that we were
definitely there for.

I, of course, am
Heather Witherbee

and this is my friend
Izziadora Staplebuntkin.

Hmm. I feel like I would've
remembered such distinct names.

Yes, yes. We do have
very distinct names, Heather.

- It's chill, they're with me.
- Oh, thanks, Steph.

Let's keep this train going.

He actually showed up?
I'm gonna fuckin' kill him.

I dunno, Harls, I mean, he/she
seems to be very popular.

And you've got to admit, like,
Steph's really pulling off her crop top.

I mean, you never
really made it work.

I know. I never know
what to pair it with.

Well, that was a surprisingly
easy and delightful stroll

across an apocalyptic wasteland.

Of course it was!

Any idiot could've done it.

I'm a brilliant telepath and

my talents are being squandered

on menial tasks like this.

And you do stuff, too.

Shit! There's still cops?

- Stop right there!
- He did it!

Your treachery knows no bounds!

I'm not going to jail
for you or anybody!

Ah!

Dang. Back to the clink.

This is Two-Face territory.

Whaddaya say, boys!

Howzabout we compose 'em a
story on deez Chicago typewriters?

What the fuck is
dickhead Tracy talking about?

Oh, it's one of them
old-timey phrases.

See,
from a distance a Tommy gun sounds like...

Ah! Well, I'll be damned!

It does sound like a typewriter.

And that is the last
of the 17 hedge mazes.

Yeah, if we could just have a follow-up
question to Heather's earlier question.

Do you think you could
lead us to the Riddler

so we can thank him for
letting us in his university?

I mean... It's
not like we're gonna kill him.

He's a very busy man.
You never see him anywhere...

and yet, he's everywhere.

Uh, making sure that we
all have clean water and power.

That concludes our tour.

A
Bachelor's in puzzles is not an education.

Bring back a useful degree!

One that guarantees gainful
employment like art history.

What the hell was that?

The Riddler's the only one
who asks questions around here!

What? Everyone knows that.

How long have you been here?
You know what? Never mind.

- While you're here, will you...
- Join the theater department?

- No.
- But if I already have?

Just get intel on the
Riddler's whereabouts.

Ivy and I are gonna do
some general snoopin' around.

Fine. Can do. Oh, Chad! Wait up!

Wow, this place is huge. Where
do we even start to look for Ridd...

Oh, there he is.

Riddle me this!

You're about to die, bitch.

You're not Riddler.
Who the hell are you?

I'm Jiminey Riddles...
The Riddle U mascot.

Holy frick, it's Harley Quinn?

Shit!

Ha!

Would you like to audition
for the a cappella club?

Would you like to audition
for the cool a cappella club?

You're not cooler
than us, Garrett!

Oh, shit!

Shit!

Argh!

Yeah, I know. And I got made
by the surprisingly agile tour guide.

- So...
- Let's go kill a tour guide.

Find the tour guide.

Ugh. College Ivy is no fun!

Hey, I just want to be clear.
I'm anti-forcefully entering

the dorm room of a girl who
sure does not want us in there.

Under normal
circumstances, agree.

But Ive, this is an
emergency procedure.

- Ahh!
- Babs, don't shoot!

Izziadora? You work
for Harley Quinn?

Wait... Poison Ivy?

You were gonna rat us
out to the Riddler!

What? No! Heck. If anything,
I want someone to take down the Riddler.

Hey Waynebox. Play
"Party mix." And turn it up.

Look, there's some
seriously terrible stuff

that's been going on here
ever since Riddler took over.

Like, what kinda stuff?

Well, like, we used to have a
really good basketball team

and all the best players
just disappeared.

And let's just say, it wasn't
because they went pro.

Okay? I mean, they were good
for Division II, but you know...

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying

students are disappearing.
Riddler's behind it.

And I wanna take him down...
If you don't kill me.

Yeah, but how do we know
that the second we untie you,

you're not gonna turn us
in to your dean?

You'll just have to trust me.

Fair warning,
I'm only wearing a towel.

By the by, you're out
of lavender herbal essen...

What the hell is going on here?

Waynebox! Turn down "Party mix!"

- Hey, Dad...
- Who are these two

and why is there a plant
wrapped around you?

There's a lot a suspicious
things going on here.

- She's gonna turn us in!
- We're just... Vining, Dad.

It's an Internet thing.
You wouldn't get it.

Goddamn Internet.

You ladies have fun.

I just came out to get
another beer for the shower.

Oopsie-daisy.

So, Commissioner Gordon
is your dad

and he lives with you
in this dorm room?

He snuck in before
the Riddler took over.

It's been a...

Rough couple of months.
For both of us.

I've been trying to track
the Riddler and he keeps

coming back to this one location.

There's something going on
in this fraternity house.

I see people go in but
they never come out.

Uh, how is that different
from a normal frat house?

I don't know yet.

But I have three wristbands
to a party there tonight.

Hey, this is gonna sound crazy,

'cause you're supervillains
and all, but

if you're past
the killing me thing,

- maybe we can all go and...
- Great. Thanks.

Oh, come on! I had to chug
a beer to get those!

I didn't like the way it tasted!

Or the way it made
me feel! Come back!

So explain that "vining"
thing to me.

Is it something you and I could
do? Or would that be weird?

That'd be weird.

You got moxie but we got guns.
You're surrounded, see?

How are we going
to get out of here?

Ah, perfect!

I can't reach the pedals
and you can't fit inside.

We're gonna make
a few modifications.

Is it just me, or do yous
hear welding?

And you said you
didn't want the long metal spike.

Whoo-hoo! I can admit
when I'm wrong.

Ha-ha! There's another one.
Get 'em!

Do I like Chad? Yes.

But I don't know if I'm ready
to be "Chad's girlfriend."

Why does he want
to rush to label it?

How long did he give
you to decide?

Just the weekend!
And I'm auditioning

for Garrett's a cappella group.

Ugh! That's still
the cool one, right?

It's too much pressure!

Hey Steph! Can we grab ya
for a second?

We got some intel.

So did I. Betsy Dunkhaven
has a crush on Ava Stein...

Absolutely hates
Hunter McMurray.

Who could blame her?
Hunter's got areolas the size of...

pancakes.

They touch in the middle.

We got some intel about
the Riddler. He's inside.

And we got wristbands.

VIP, bitches.

Holy shit! How'd you get that?

It pays to be chad's
"almost-girlfriend."

Ugh! Gross.

Gross. And grosser.
Oh, Harley...

What? It's an ice luge.

Ya know I can't resist alcohol
bein' poured down an icy surface.

No, I did not know that.

Listen, Harls. Game face, okay?

We got to keep our
eyes out for the Riddler.

I'm pretty sure that
was the Riddler.

It might've just been
Jiminey Riddles.

No no, that's Jiminey Riddles.

The whole party is
a fundraiser to cover

his medical bills for
the beating you gave him.

I already donated.

Oh, you're good, Steph.

Sorry. VIP only.

But we're with Steph.

Do I look like I give a shit?
Gotta have a VIP wristband.

All right, Stephanie.

You go in, you look around,
you report back.

Real simple peek n' speak.

What if I run into Chad
and he asks me where we stand?

I mean, sure,
he gave me the weekend,

but it would be awkward
not to talk about it.

But if we did talk about it...

Oh, my God,
it'd be just as awkward!

Ah! I'm being ripped apart!

Ugh, I'm going to
text my counselor!

Oh, my God! You're
a fucking clay monster.

Forget about Chad for five
seconds and do your goddamn job.

The best thing about
chest hair, chip catcher.

That's not even from
the bag you're eat...

Come on, Dad!

We know the Riddler's up to
something in that frat house!

Now, put on your shirt and
let's go full swat on his ass.

I don't do shirts anymore.
And I certainly don't swat.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have some
Kimmy Schmidt to binge.

This school needs a champion!

New, New Gotham needs a hero!

No. This city needs
the Bat. I...

need the Bat.

That's not a chip.

Ugh. He's been in there
way too long.

Let's just kill the bouncer.

Yeah, but we don't want
to cause a scene.

Watch this, Ive.

Hey, girls.

So, I figured out how

he's generating electricity.

By inviting people to fake frat parties,
kidnapping them,

and forcing them to
run on hamster wheels,

effectively turning them
into human batteries?

Oh, wait. That makes way more
sense than what I was thinking.

Oh, my God, that hurt!

Well, what fortuitous timing.

We just had two jobs open up.

Congratulations, graduates.
Welcome to the workforce.

Joke's on you, Riddler!

- I don't do jokes... I do...
- Whatever.

The point is you're in
for a surprise.

'Cause we ain't beautiful,
young coeds.

We're beautiful,
regular-aged women.

- That's right, Harley Quinn...
- Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.

I Know! Gee, I wonder
what gave it away?

The '90s miniskirts,
the pigtails,

the overall shorts,
or the chunky flats?

- Oh.
- Jesus.

So you took down Penguin
and came for me.

Well, I got something Cobblepot doesn't,
a riddle stick!

Why are you laughing?

No. It's a super,
super cool name, very menacing.

It's a cane. What are ya
gonna do, trip us?

See? It is cool.

Oh! How convenient,
those fake police men ran out of gas.

Uh, pretty sure it was my sick
driving that scared them off.

You idiots! They stopped
following you

because you left
Two-Face territory.

You're in Bane town now.

It's actually Baneton.

And if you lived here,
you'd be home by now. Let's get em'.

What? We just built
a mega death car.

You think we're afraid
of a few Bane goons?

I think we underestimated
the Bane goons.

Running sucks!

Uh, faster! My battery's
only at 75%.

I can't believe Chad set me up.

I broke my purity ring for him.

Clayface, pull it together.

Turn into something skinny
and slip out of your belt.

Are you calling me fat?

Honestly, this is some of
his best character work.

Yeah. I'm not sure how much
longer I can do this in clogs.

What is Rodger and
Hammerstein's Oklahoma?

- Ah. Yes.
- Let them go, Riddler!

How'd you get in here?

See, Tanner? I said we
should have a retinal scanner

but you were all like, "No, wristbands
are fine, It'll be fun, like Coachella!"

This is my last warning.
I'm warning you.

Tanner, go kill her.

Oh, great. Now I gotta
watch Gordon's kid die.

Oh, my God. Did you kill Tanner?

No! No?

No. I said,
let them go, Riddler!

Whatcha gonna do?
Shoot all of us?

No! Just that switch!

Frick!

When someone says,
"What are you gonna do, shoot all of us?"

You say "No! Just you!"
Not the switch!

You've just been
citizens arrested!

Gosh, I'm good.

Is this what it feels
like to be Batman?

Because I feel like
a superhero right now!

Wow, Babs,

you really know how to
just kill the post-fight mood.

Sorry. I'm gonna call my dad.

He'll arrest Riddler
and take him to Arkham.

Oh, my gosh!

This is gonna be so great
for his self-esteem.

I dunno. I mean, he seemed
pretty confident earlier in that towel.

We'll just drop Riddler
at Arkham.

You sure? I mean,
I could come with.

Then maybe we could get Fro-Yo?

Or w-what do you usually do after a
high-octane battle between good and evil?

Yeah, we're gonna do the
drive-thru at Arkham.

It's on our way home.
Easy peasy. Byeee!

Knees up, bitch.

Cheese!

You're the bitch!

And a liar.

You told that nice girl that
you were taking me to Arkham!

Three down, three to go.

Ah! We are gods!

Or at least demigods.
Maybe Titans.

One brand-new industrial
strength water purifier as requested.

Oh, that's what you guys
were doin'?

Yeah, that's what we were doin'!

We went through hell
to get you this.

We took out half
of Two-Face's army!

And we had to get stomped
into the Bane boys. Fucking Bane!

We made a death car!

Oh. Well, you know, once
we got the power runnin'

the water started comin'
out clear, so...

Ugh! Well, I for one am glad

we can once more be free from

the petty trappings
of campus life.

Oh, Chad!

What do ya think'll
happen to Babs?

Eh, you know, I mean,
once the adrenaline wears off,

she'll probably
go back to studying,

she'll graduate...

Hopefully she grows
out of her awkward

Batman obsession phase.

I mean, we all did.

I don't know. I feel like we
awakened something in her.

Yeah.