Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - A Seat at the Table - full transcript

Oh, hey.
I didn't see you there.

I'm Lex Luthor,

and I'm here to tell you

a little bit about
the Legion of Doom.

The LOD
is a supportive community

of elite supervillains

dedicated to making the world
a worse place.

We've been behind
some of the most evil plots

of the 21st century.

Hey, Black Manta.

What's that?



They're waiting
for the new recruits
right next door?

Looks like
you better get in there.

And make sure you bad guys
bring a good attitude.

Hey, that's you!

What did you say
to Black Manta

to elicit such rage?

Nothing racist.

Guys, pull it together.

We are about to join...

The Legion of Doom.

Welcome home, Harley.

And that's
all the time we have.

Oh, and my apologies to Bane

who wanted to do some magic.



It was going to be
a spectacle.

I'd like to say something.

Oh, my God!

When I heard we were
letting in Harley Quinn,

I thought...

No one deserves
this opportunity

more than she does.

-Oh this guy.
-I'm sorry.

But didn't he try to
kill you multiple times?

I know, I know.

I tried to kill you
multiple times,

but frankly, Harley,

now you're the one
killing it.

Wow...

Oh, I've seen this before.

It's just like the time
my ex, Sandra, called me up

after I lost 20 pounds.

Where were you
when I was still 2,750, Sandra?

Where were you?

I needed love then.

Promise us you will not
make us the Jen Aniston

to your Bradley Pitt's
feverish pursuit of co-star

Ann-halina Yo-lee.

Wow, that's a lot to unpack.

Guys, guys, come on!
Give me a little credit here.

Joker saying
a few nice things about me

ain't gonna make me see him
any different, okay?

Pick a card.

When my mind's set, it is set.

Hell, they blew out three
electric shock machines
at Arkham

trying to get through to me.

I am done giving that clown
second chances.

Is your card

the three of hearts?

-No.
-Fuck!

Okay, look. I know
the last time we talked,

it was... Shitty.

But, you know, I feel like
maybe we have an opportunity
to start over here.

Hmm.

Okay. We can
build off "hmm."

I also, obviously,
would like to apologize

for saying
you're jealous of me

and that you got
no friends and that--

All right, thank you.
I remember what you said.

I know you were just
trying to protect me, and...

Listen, I am gonna do
the same for you, okay?

Just 'cause
I'm a card carryin' member

of the Legion of Doom now--

Fuck that place in the ass.

Yes. For sure.
Although, listen...

I am working there

and I hope it doesn't
affect our friendship.

I would be dead without you.

Like, a lot.

I do not disagree with that.

I mean, I'm glad
you're not dead, but...

I don't know, it just...

It felt like you were so ready
to abandon me.

I would never do that.

I will always be there for ya.

I will always smash things

you might need smashed, Ive.

Wait, I know that look.

Is there something
you need smashed?

Come on, Ive, there's gotta be
something you need smashed.

There is... There is something
actually, I've been working on.

I knew it! You're gonna do
something evil.

That is great!

Yeah. You know, I mean,
if we're still categorizing

fighting to protect
the environment as "evil,"

then sure.

At our new
state-of-the-art manufacturing
plant in Gotham,

we're building the machines
to revolutionize

the development
of our beautiful city.

Join us in paving
the way together

to a better Gotham.

I'm gonna destroy it.

Ooh, you're still
fired up, Ive.

You are glowing.

Count me in on destroying
this new factory.

Really? Great.

Okay. Let's meet up
on Friday night
and go over a plan.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I got this.

The Legion gave me
a corporate card

and said I can expense
any meal

where I talk about
doing something evil.

Yeah, once again, it's just...
We're saving plants,

we're not actually
doing something evil...

You know what?

Thanks, Harls.

We added a little something
we thought you might enjoy.

Oh, it's beautiful!

-What's the thread count?
-Oh, my God.

It's under the sheet,
you dry turd!

Oh, my God!

So thoughtful.

You got mahogany,
oak, pine...

And... Just one chair.

Where are the rest of us
supposed to sit?

Oh, we have special offices
for all of you.

My assistant cultural attache,

Esteban, will take you.

Why, hello, Esteban!

And from what exotic
pueblito

on the Iberian Peninsula
might you derive?

It's Steve,
and I'm from Tulsa.

I don't know why
Mr. Luthor calls me that,

but he always does.

Follow me.

Okay.
Come on.

I know where I'm going.

I remember
where my old office is.

Yeah, that's been filled.

We have something else for you.

Why did you hit down
on the elevator?

And here we are.

No, no. No, no,
I know this place.

This is where they keep
the goons and the henchmen.

Right. Like you.

We're not goons.

We're not henchmen.

We have powers.

That's right. I am an actor!

You are not an actor.

You are a huge pile of clay

that can turn
into anything you want.

He is a giant half-shark man.

And I am a telepath.

We have actual powers!

Uh, calm down,
Dr. Guy.

This is where
you're supposed to be,
and you're lucky.

Touch whatever you want.
Everything's broken.

Goons, you're with me.

The hell we are!

We work for Harley.

And now, for me, too.

I've signed you out
for a very important mission.

I got a razzy zazzy for "Bang."

It's Bane!

You know it's Bane.

I'm here everyday, Todd.

Goddamn millennials.

Whatever, Bang!

So, we're blowing up Todd
after dinner.

Don't eat so much
you get lethargic,

but eat enough
that you don't get fainty

'cause I do not bring snacks.

The streets will run
with razzy zazzy.

And thanks to Black Manta
for the bagels.

There's only cinnamon raisins!

You know I hate raisins!

Oh! Wait.
Here's an everything.

So, Harley,

every week we meet
to pitch our evil ideas.

This is where
we get approval

for the use
of Legion resources

like goons and getaway cars.

And s'plosions!

I have no idea what the fuck
"s'plosions" are, Bane,

but we do have explosives.

So this is the place to get
creative feedback on ideas.

Exactly.

We modeled it after the way
they do things at Pixar.

I wish they would make
another Up movie.

They can't.

The story was over
at the end of the first.

Unless,

the kid is the old man
in the sequel.

Oh, that's fun!

That's a good one.

Can we stop
with the nonsense, please?

-Who wants to start?
-Okay!

So, I want to build
a giant tower

with my face on it.

Loving this.

My quote unquote "mouth"
opens up...

Boom! Reveals a giant TV.

What's on it? Me!

I open with a joke,

threaten Gotham,
you get the rest.

I need 800 million,
but I can do it for six.

Six hundred million!
I mean, that's a bargain.

I... I'm still trying
to get a chair.

Shall we move to approve?

-Harley?
-I don't get it.

You don't... Get it?

Well, for starters,
why do you need a tower?

Right?
If you want to get on TV,

why don't you just take over
the airwaves
like everybody else?

Because everyone else
has already done it.

-Fucking Bane's done it.
-Yeah, I done it.

Okay, well then, why not just
take over an existing tower?

Why are we building
a new tower?

Because a regular tower
doesn't have a fire pole

that goes from top
to the bottom, that's why.

That's a bit garish, innit?
Why do you need that?

Because I'm the Joker!

Hmm.

Feels a little like you
came up with the frosting...

-Before you baked the cake.
-Exactly.

Thank you, Harley.

You haven't baked the cake.

Why don't you come back to us
after you bake the cake,

huh, Joker?

Fine.

I'll bake the fucking cake.

You know, it's not...
It's refreshing.

I am glad that

someone finally stood up
to that clown.

Oh! Hey, Joker.

I was just telling Harley
how uncool she was.

Being in the meeting earlier

and having the gall--

It's leaking everywhere.

About that meeting,
I wanted to say--

-Look, if you came here
to yell at me then--
-Thank you!

-Uh, what?
-That plan needed work.

I'm going to put the time in,

and really make it
something special.

But I'm happy
I finally have someone here

with the guts
to stand up to me.

Maybe we could grab a drink
so I could pick your brain

with this whole giant-tower-
with-my-face-on-it thing.

Yeah, I don't think so.

A work drink.

I could give you the lowdown
on how to game the system here.

Really? And not have sex
with each other?

Harley, please!
I'm blushing.

We're colleagues now.

You don't see me having sex
with Scarecrow or Bane.

The answer's, no, I don't...

Do that with them.

Just a work drink.
Think about it.

Harley, we have a problem.

They put us in the goon poo-el.

-Ooh, that sounds fun.
-Fun?

It's not the fun kind of pool.

They're treating us
like we're common henchmen

and we have to work
for anyone who asks.

-Including Bane.
-Bane!

What?

Bane? Ugh!
We only work together.

Well, they're saying something
entirely different.

Don't worry. You won't be
working for Bane, I promise.

Ugh, I just gotta figure out
how to game the system here.

And how, pray tell,
will you do that?

I'll pray tell a colleague
about it.

So...

I've been paying
this smoothie kid

to keep writing "Bang"
on all his orders.

Oh, my God,

that's the guy
Bane wants to blow up.

Oh! That's fantastic.

You know,
everyone remembers me
for the big crimes,

the murders, the cripplings,

but it's the little ones
that keep me going.

That's hilarious.

If it was hilarious,
you'd be laughing.

You can't just say
something's hilarious.

That's the worst
kind of audience.

Sorry,
I got a lot on my mind.

You know,
Bane wants to use my crew

to blow up that smoothie kid,
and they're pissed.

Who do I talk to
to get them out of that?

Um, me.

I'll talk to Lex.

He wants to keep you happy.
You're an asset.

-Really? He thinks that?
-Everyone thinks that.

You're a big deal.
You're Harley Quinn!

Wow, I...

Wow! Holy shit!

Thanks.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

So your ass is gonna take down
that place by yourself?

There's not a plant around it.

First of all,
I am a capable metahuman

who doesn't always
need the plants.

And also,
Harley's gonna show up

and, like, smash some people
with her bat, too.

Harley? I don't see Harley
around here.

You know who I see?

Frank. I'm ready
to fuck some shit up.

You're in a pot, Frank.
I'd have to carry you.

So what?
I carry you emotionally.

We all carry shit.

You bring me in there
and I'll show you some damage.

How, Frank? What am I gonna,
like, throw you at people

and you're gonna eat them?

Boom! Look at that.
We just figured it out.

Thanks, but I think
Harley and I can take care
of this.

Like the way
you took care of that outfit?

Why? What's wrong with it?

You see fabulous,
I see fugly.

You got to diversify
your color palette, woman!

Spice that shit up!

Add a fun hat.

Maybe a little blush
on your cheeks and shit.

See? See, see,
I don't just eat people.

Hurtful words are another
weapon in my arsenal.

And you just got
a verbal ass whooping.

So, how have you been?

Oh, you know,
same old, same old.

Murdering, hijacking,
WMDs, arson.

Ooh, I've been rewatching
a lot of Scrubs.

What happened to Zach Braff?

Wait, wait.
Didn't we kill him

when we took that
movie studio hostage?

Remember, we were
trying to force him

to remake classic movies,
but with cats?

Ha! I'm telling you,

"Cats-ablanca" would have
blown the original
out of the water.

Anyway, I think
Zach Braff is alive.

-Oh.
-Just not working.

-Ah!.
-Oh, Harley...

We had some fun
back in the day, didn't we?

Oh, we sure did.

Mmm.

All right, you know,
I really better get going.

Sorry to interrupt,

but I, like,
totally ship you guys.

Seriously.

You're, like, my favorite
evil couple in Gotham.

These are on the house.

Oh, thank you.

Come on, you can stay
for five more minutes?

There, she is, over there.

The green one
with the fun hat on.

Uh, Frank, who is this person?

You said I couldn't do nothin'
'cause I was in this pot.

-Meet Chaz.
-This is really
getting heavy, man.

He's my pot guy.

Carries my pot around
wherever I need to go.

He sells marijuana, Frank.

He misread his ad.

That is also true.

Yet, here we are.

Okay.
Well, I'm leaving.

So why don't you have him
bring you back
to the apartment.

Wait, I thought
you were meeting Harley here.

Oh, shit!

She stood your ass up.

No, no, no.
She just had to reschedule.

You know,
she ended her text in "ugh."

So I know that she just,
you know,

she didn't wanna reschedule
but she had to.

You know, things come up.
It's fine.

Nah, she's changed.

Thinks she's a bigshot now.

Hell, I know this pear tree,

survived 9/11,

now he's planted
front and center
at the Freedom Tower

and that motherfucker
won't even call me back.

Harley is nothing like
your 9/11 pear tree friend.

And, by the way,
I know that tree, okay?

He was a dick before 9/11,
he's a dick now.

That asshole changed

and so has Harley.

Trust me, you're on your own.

Oh, man!

They only have potato chips

with the weird Korean flavor.

"Cheddar and octopus ranch"?

Could be delicious!

I would give it a whirl.

Put down those snacks,
you dumb goons.

It's time to go.

We're not going anywhere
with you,

S&M Sally!

Harley took care of it.

I filed
all the proper paperwork.

I even got the green light
from HR, so...

Your move.

How disappointing!

Right? But don't worry.

I'll call Harley
and we'll sort this out.

I meant these chips.

They're disappointing.

I'm not tasting the...
Oh, wait!

There's the octopus!

- Damn! It went to voicemail.
- That's that then.

Saddle up,
muchachos.

We have a juicery to es'plode!

I missed this.

This isn't...
Come on...

Now, this is just

an extension
of the business conversation
from earlier.

-Oh, for sure.
-Cool.

-Cool.
-Cool. We're just cool.

- Yeah.
- Monsters!

She's eating
the beef tenderloin
with a fish fork.

Okay, I did miss this.

Now, this is living.

Yeah. Hey, you know,
I had a thought

about that tower
with your face on it
you pitched at the meeting?

Oh, my face tower?

That... That would be the one.

I was thinking
you could build it underground

and when you wanna unveil it,

it can shoot above the surface

and scare the shit
out of people.

-Ooh, like a Jack in the box!
-Exactly!

Love that.

It's very on brand for me,
I mean.

Wow, really?

I don't think you've ever taken
one of my ideas before.

The student becomes
another master.

Uh, I think the phrase is,

"The student becomes
the master."

No, I believe it's,
"The student becomes
a master

"equal to the original master,

"but not with more mastery
than that master."

So you're not upset I decided
to go off on my own?

If this is
the Harley Quinn solo act,

I just have one thing to say...

I wish it'd had
happened sooner.

Bravo!

Oh!

Up to your old tricks again.

Well, you're gonna be
spending a lifetime together

in Arkham.

You know, I'd love
to take you, puddin'...

You know, I'd love
to take you, puddin',

but I'd never deny you
the pleasure

of buying me time to escape.

So get the hell on,
you knucklehead!

Oh!

What you grinning at?

You comin' or what?

Us,
escaping together?

I used to dream
about this moment.

Oh, Harley!

I couldn't leave you
on the boat.

I need you.

For this.

Mmm.

And this!

Some things
never change, Quinn.

Has Harley called back yet?

Yeah! And
she said she fixed everything,

and I just didn't tell you.

Fantastic!

What's taking
your shark friend

so long to plant the bomb?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's because
he's a shark

and not a demolitions expert.

Todd must pay
for what he's done.

Let's see whose name
is Bang now, Todd.

Ah! Good Lord!

Oh!

Hey, Shark guy,
did we kill Todd?

Todd...

Doesn't work Wednesdays.

Oh, he must have
changed the schedule.

Why, Lord?

Why take him
when you could have me instead?

I am a perfectly
delicious substitute.

What the hell
are you talking about?

He's still alive.

Huh? Oh, I was rehearsing.

I have an audition
for a margarine commercial.

Well, it was very moving.

Although, that could be
the morphine talking.

I love everybody right now.

I came as soon as I heard.
How's he doing?

Oh, my God!

I think he's going
into cardiac arrest.

Someone? Nurse? Somebody!

No, that's actually a pretty
standard shark heartbeat.

-I'm fine.
-Oh, no shit?

So where's Harley?

She said she got help up
with some Legion shit,

but I figured she'd come
running as soon as she heard.

Patrick Swayze's ghost!

It appears
we've been deceived.

Ooh!

It looks like Jo-Quinn
is back together.

Less than an hour ago,

former lovebirds
Harley Quinn and Joker

were spotted
tonguing each other down.

Hey, everyone!

Oh, I'm so sorry
I didn't get here sooner.

I got held up at a crazy
Legion board meeting and then--

-Oh!
-It is one thing

when I thought you
ditched me for the Legion,

but him?

I thought you were
better than that, man.

No, I am.
And I see that now.

Too late.

You promised
you'd extricate us

from having to join Bane,

but you didn't,

and now, look!

Some of us
got our fins blown off.

I'll tell you one thing.

A Japanese chef offered
a large sum of money for it

and you weren't even there
to tell me to not consider it!

Because you were canoodling
with the Joker instead.

I know, but the whole reason
I even met with Joker

was to figure out how to
get you guys out of doing that.

- I mean--
- Oh, please.

-Drivel!
-Ive, you, you...

You got to understand.

No! Not this time, Harley.

I have done
everything in my power

to keep you away
from that ass clown

because I truly believe
that you deserve better.

But you know what? I am done
believing in someone

who just doesn't believe
in herself.

I'm...
I'm sorry, Ive...

I made a mistake.

I know I did.

It won't happen again.

-Bullshit!
-Poppycock!

It's true, Harley.

You're like the fish
that cried Orca.

It's a story
remarkably similar

to that
boy who cried Wolf,

except that instead of a boy,
it's a fish,

-and instead of a wolf--
-It's an orca.

No! It's a wolf named Orca,

but it can swim,

which is terrifying.

And also morphine induced,

but the point
he's trying to make is,

we are out of the crew!

Clayface!

I'm sorry,

but I have a regional
margarine commercial
audition

that starts in seven hours.

-King?
-I have a catheter inside me,

so I can't currently leave,

but please note that
as soon as I'm able to urinate

in a normal fashion,

I am also out of the crew.

Please, don't go.

Sorry, I... I have my own plan
to focus on,

but you probably
don't remember that anyway.

No, I do and I still wanna
help you with it.

I think I'd rather go solo
on this one.

I need people I can count on.

Yeah, boss.

We got her.