Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - L.O.D.R.S.V.P - full transcript

Can I help you?

Oh, Hi, there.

Where did you come from?

I'm just waiting
for the museum to open.

Just a normal shark

doing normal shark things.

Don't... Don't worry about me.

We got 'em! It's go time.

Halt! Thieves.

Aquaman?

Yes, noble guard.
It is I, The Aquaman,



protector of the deep blue
and all its inhabitants.

It is an honor.

I will apprehend
these air breathers.

You give chase
to their co-conspirators.

Yes, my liege.

All right,
let's get outta here--

Ow!

I spoil your little party?

Ha-ha! It is I, Aquaman,

son of Atlan,
heir to the throne of Atlantis.

I must say, King Shark,

your mother
would be most displeased

to find you
in this plebeian company.

You're not my dad!



That is contrary
to what she said.

Ah-ha-hoy!

Let us now dispense
with the levity.

I am going to need
the Atlantean jewels

with which you absconded.

Bravo!

What magnificent word choice.

You are truly
the Shakespeare of the sea.

I prefer to think of myself

as the Dickens of the Deep.

Hey. Deep Dickens.

Let's wrap up
this episode of Frasier

so we can get back to getting
the hell out of here.

She certainly is that.

What did that dolphin
say about me?

Oh, I don't speak dolphin.

I know a little porpoise,
but--

What villainous reject
have you deigned to summon?

Did somebody call for... kelp?

Unkelp me, plant witch.

Let's go.

Yes. Run. Run!

I, Aquaman, will retrieve
my family's jewels,

- and the sirens will sing
of my revenge for eterni--

Ow... Juba? A little help?

Harley Quinn and her crew made
Aquaman look like a member

of the Justice B League
this afternoon,

and made off with a set
of ancient Atlantean jewels.

The standout of the crew
was Poison Ivy...

I'm so sick of hearing this.

Um, I am not part of the crew.

I was asked for a favor.
I provided said favor.

End of story.

Holy shit!
Guys, guys, listen.

"Dear Ms. Quinn,

based on your recent
evil efforts,

the Legion of Doom
invites you and your crew

to our headquarters to discuss
further possibilities."

Guys, this is what
we've been workin' towards.

Dump Joker, check.

Get noticed by
the Legion of Doom, check.

Oh! I did it!

Even though no one said
I could run a crew.

What? Hello. Hi.

I said that you
could run a crew.

Yeah, but you're my friend.

Uh, come on,
it's like when your mom says

you're the prettiest girl
in school.

That's what my mom said.

Shark genitalia is very hard
to see. Until it isn't.

This is huge for us.

Means we might get
to move out of this shithole.

I will have you know,
Norm Dilfer,

the Carpet King of Gotham

found this mall
more than satisfactory.

What the heck is that noise?

Oh yeah, that shit's
been keepin' me up.

I haven't been able to get
a lick of sleep for days.

I... I didn't hear any noise.

And you can count me out of
this Legion of Doom business.

Hey Harley, since I've been
banned for life,

I probably shouldn't come.

But maybe you can mention
I'm reformed

and I don't call women
anymore?

You know, don't push it,
but if it comes up organically.

Yeah, I don't really
see a scenario

where that comes up
organically,

but I'll get ya in.

Well, congrats, Harls.

You're on the verge
of achieving your dream

and I... I really do wish
I could be there to see it.

But your name's
on the invitation.
You gotta come.

Well, that's clearly a misprint
because I'm--

Not in the crew.
We've heard.

Yeah. What they said.

Fine. Be like that.

I guess if I run
into Joker there,

I'll just deal with it

without my best friend
by my side.

Okay, I'll go.

I knew you would.

Pretty cool, huh?

All the heavy hitters,

Sinestro, Lex Luthor,
Roger Goodell.

Ooh, uh, FYI,
we stand for the anthem here.

This is
the big leagues of evil.

Oh! Think this
might interest you.

It goes throughout
the entire office.

Is that
a fake diver and a castle?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's a real diver,
and you're free to eat him.

A real diver?

A real diver?

Is it my birthday?

Ah, what'd I tell ya
about this place?

Did I lie? Did I fuckin' lie?
I did not fuckin' lie.

Also heard
we have an actor here.

We do improv every Wednesday.

Huzzah!

And we've got every resource
your crew could want.

So, you've got a fish tank
and you do improv?

Wow, you're my shitty
college boyfriend.

Oh, all right, yeah, I mean,

did your college
boyfriend have...

A kryptonite-powered submarine

that can turn into a car
and shoot missiles.

We have three of them.

And they're available
to our members at any time.

Harley. So glad
you could make it.

Lex, this place is amazing.

Not too bad, huh?

The grenade vending machine
and Kombucha on tap.

I mean, you guys
thought of everything.

I've been watching you
ever since you went solo,

and I haven't seen
an evil rising star like you

since, well, since me.

Hey, buddy?

Now that you're done
kissing your own asshole...

That's not a phrase.

...why are we here?

Look, I'm sure you know
about prospective member night.

Where every Legion member
can nominate someone to join?

Well, Harley,
guess who I nominated? You.

So, come back tonight
for the party,

meet everyone,
see how you mesh,

and, maybe if it goes well,

you could be the next member
of the LOD.

That's what we call
the Legion of Doom.

Oh, is that what it stand for?

I thought it was
Legion of Dildos.

That is a sex shop
down the street

with whom we're currently
in a protracted legal battle.

-So, I'll see you guys tonight?
-Uh, damn right you will.

Oh, hey, do I need
to get my parking validated?

We don't validate.

So evil.

Hey, let's hit the gift shop.

They have those
mini-license plates

with your name on 'em.

Oh, um, yeah, yeah,
knock yourself out.

I... I'm gonna catch up
with you in a bit.

Hey, so what is your deal?

Like, why are you suddenly
so interested in Harley

after treating her like shit
for months?

Do you know how many
invitations we've sent to you?

Jesus, I dunno, millions.

Calm down, it's 148.
And every time you rebuff us.

Because I don't want to join

your self-important
sausage party.

-Hey. We have a woman.
-Good for you.

I'm blanking on her name
right now, but she's lovely.

Great.

Do you want to play around
or you want to get serious?

Love that.

You're the only one
that can do that,

which is why you're right.

I don't want Harley.
I want you.

Then why did you
fuckin' invite her?

Why did the Golden Globes
nominate The Martian
for best comedy?

They wanted Matt Damon to show.

In this metaphor,
you're Matt Damon.

Yes, okay, I get it.

It was just a very stupid
and outdated reference.

I don't see a lot of movies.

Look, I'm not joining
the Legion of Doom, okay?

Or the LOD or the whatever.

That's totally fine.

Oh, just one thing
I forget to mention.

If you don't join,
Harley doesn't get in either.

Okay, they don't have Harley,

but this is close enough.
Isn't this place awesome?

God damn it!

Son of a bitch.

I didn't hear a damn thing.

What? You didn't here that?

Oh, that thing?

-Yes.
-Eh.

That's just the pipes.

Ahh!

Yeah, I'm gonna need you
to go ahead and explain that.

Okay.

There may be

a giant tentacle monster
in the basement.

Are you sure you took
everything out of your pockets?

Phone? Keys?
Your metal exoskeleton?

-Check your weapons, please.
-Ooh.

Uh, That's not a weapon.

Fine, but when I act someone
to death, you'll be blamed.

Hey, do you... Do you think
Joker is gonna be here?

Hey, ya know what?
I... I don't give a shit.

Nope, don't care.

Ooh, there's my competition,
KG Beast. Huh.

Not so scary when they make him
take off his machine gun arm.

Harls, look at this place.
I mean, this isn't you.

But it can be.

I mean, it's aspirational
and classy and shit.

Classy? Okay.

'Cause this morning you drank
cereal out of a blender.

Let's all remember that.

Okay, my other cereal cups
were dirty.

Look, I gotta go mingle.

What did you say to me?

Oh, I have not turned my back
on the aquatic world.

It turned its back on me.

Oh, well, you can
kindly go fuck yourself!

Well, if it isn't Ivy-licious.

The wind
beneath my wings.

Hey.

So like, did you get an invite
to this thing or--

Naw, naw, I picked up
a catering gig actually, yeah.

Bein' Ivy's boyfriend,
it is pricey.

But you are worth it.

Chicken satay?

Yeah, sure.

I will
blow you up, you chicken satay.

Or, why don't
you take that anger,

put it in your feelings pocket

and I'm going give you
this whole tray.

Why are you talkin' to him?

What? He outclasses
any of these idiots. Okay?

This is the problem
with this place.

It's like a boys club.

It's like a...
it's like a goddamn frat.

It is I, Aquaman,

son of Atlan,

heir to the throne of--

Boo to you!

To the throne of--

Boo!

You two stole my family jewels.

Your balls?

- Oh, grow up, Sinestro.
- I know that was you.

You have no proof.

Let's kill it.

Ah, or... Or we can do
what I usually do.

Lower some livestock
down the hole,

walk away, wait a few weeks,

and, uh, hope it calms down.

If you won't deal with that
noise-making abomination,

then I will.

She's not an abomination.

She's my sister. My sister.

Yeah, I'm definitely
gonna need you to explain that.

I warned you
and you paid me no heed.

So now, taste the salty brine
of my sweet--

Argh!

Hah!

Shit! Shit, shit, shit.

Be with me, Konstantin.

Brother, it is I,
the Superman, from Kryptalon.

And these people
are not your enemy--

Not my worst review.

Kite Man to the rescue.

I'll protect us, babe.

Maybe they took the weapons
from the guests

but they didn't check...

The help.

Oh, cross wind, oh, shi...

Did he just call you "babe"?

I... You know,
I... Maybe.

Call off your dogs, Luthor.

Not everyone has to suffer
at my hands today.

This is between me and them.

By "them" I think you mean me.

Hello, Arthur.

David, it's not
always about you.

But it's not
not about me either.

Ivy!

Ow!

May Poseidon have mercy
on your soul.

Hey, fish dick,
why don't you go back
to the ocean?

Otherwise known as
"the world's toilet."

Boo.

Oh, so no ocean jokes?

Uh, it seems like
political-iggical
correct culture

is killing the comedy.

No, no, no, no.

Oh God, oh God.
No, no, no no no.

Ah.

Help me.

Ah! What have I done?

My brothers. Oh, my brothers!

Aquaman!

Look, I am stomping
on your fish. Stomping!

Bane, stop it.

Hey, there's a YMCA pool
down the street.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Just throw saltwater fish
into a chlorinated pool.

Water's water, I guess.

Come on. What are you, four?

Huzzah!

What I'm about
to tell you,

I've never told to anyone.

My sister Mirielle and I
were both CIA.

She was a top scientist,
the best!

And in the '80s, cocaine
and animal hybridization

were all the rage.

I was Langley's go-to cleaner.

You know what "go-to" is?

It's the guy you go to!

If there was a mess,

I was the man
to take care of it.

My missions took me

from jungle treetops
to the sea floor.

So, I asked Mirie if she could
make a hybrid for me,

one that could aid me
on my missions.

A half-monkey, half-octopus,

or as it's commonly known,
a Monkeypuss.

She said
it was against protocol.

But I just kept bugging her,

and finally, because of
how much she loved me,

she agreed to try.

As you might've guessed,
it all went horribly wrong.

Psycho,
meet my sister Mirielle.

She's a mop?

No, she's not a mop.

It's the janitor's closet.
I made a mistake, so kill me.

Here's Mirielle.

Saving the Legion of Doom
from a member
of the Justice League.

I mean even if it was Aquaman,
ugh, that is gettin' me in.

Look, even if ya don't get in,

it's still pretty cool
to be nominated, right? Right?

Uh, no. I would do
a header out that window

and let my brains smash
all over the sidewalk.

You're joking.

Last chance.
Sure you don't want in?

Harley is good enough
to get in on her own.

You saw what she just did
to Aquaman.

Let her in.

I mean, for God's sake,
you let Bane in.

Lot of politics involved there.

So, your final answer's a no?

We all know why we're here,

and I'm happy to say,

the Legion has voted,

and we have a new member.

Harley. Join me.

Just fuck these guys.

Ive, what are you
talkin' about?

This year was a fine crop.

But one person
stood above the rest.

Just you and me.
Like we'll start our own thing.

It'll be...
It'll be Harley and Ivy.

Y'know we'll get those matching
flame retardant jumpsuits

you've always wanted.
You love those.

You mean the one
where yours says

"Yaass" and mine says "Kween."

Yaass. Yaass.

No, no, no. No, come on.

You told me
to leave the Joker for this,

and now I'm here and
it's gonna damn well happen.

Harley, listen to me.

This person
is an absolute machine.

They don't want you. Okay?

They never wanted you.

They were just using you
to get to me.

And I'd like to welcome
our newest member,

Harley Quinn!

Harley, you did it!

Congratulations, Harley!

Hey, thanks
for believin' in me.

No. I... I was just
trying to protect you.

Harley Quinn, welcome
to the Legion of Doom.

Fine. You want
to join those assholes?

Go! Be an asshole
yourself, be my guest.

What don't you
understand about

"they have a submarine
that turns into a car

that shoots missiles"?

The Legion's awesome!

Oh, this is getting heated.

What delicious drama.

Don't put your insecurities
on me.

All right, here we go.

What... What? You tell me.
What insecurities?

Uh, you just
don't want me to join

because you're afraid
I won't need you anymore.

You are delusional.

Am I? Am I?

Ya loved it
when I was all beaten down

and brokenhearted
after breakin' up with Joker.

But you hate it now

that I'm better and makin'
somethin' of myself!

-Ooh, snap!
-Damn!

That's not true.

Is true. Ya can't handle it,
can ya?

-What?
-You're tryin' to sabotage me

instead of confrontin' the fact
that, without me,

you don't have
a single friend in this world.

I...

I don't need this shit.

Like I've always said
I'm not part of your crew so--

Oh great, go. Run away
to your stupid plants.

You know they have names.

What the hell
are you lookin' at?

I'm so sorry, Mirielle.
Can ya ever forgive me?

My own issues aside,

can someone explain
why Sy is cryin'

and where this giant
tentacle monster came from?

Super-long story.
Short version.

CIA experiment went wrong.

That's his sister,

and he hasn't been down here
for like 35 years.

Yeah, uh that's what
I was gonna guess.

Oh, I can't even imagine
what it must be like

to go through life
a giant, deformed thing.

You can't,
you can't imagine that?

I don't know how I live
with myself.

Oh, it's okay. Look,
why not try and talk to her?

How?

I'll do it.
I'll do it, I'll do it.

Let me be your Whoopi.

What?
Ghost affected everyone.

It was a phenomenon.

Talk to her.

She may not speak English
but I bet she understands it.

Mirie, I'm so sorry.

I never shoulda forced you
to make that damn hybrid.

Ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah.

Okay, she said "I get that
you were confused and angry.

So was I.

But it wasn't being turned
into a tentacle monster

that made me angry."

Wow,
this is getting interesting.

"I was angry
because you walked away.

You closed yourself off
from me.

I didn't just lose
my brother that day,

I lost my best friend."

She kept hoping
you would reach out,

but you never did.

One more time
on that last part?

Right. Right, okay.

She says, "I always thought
no matter how bad it got,

you'd never give up
on our friendship."

I should've come to you,

but I was afraid
I let it go too long.

That you wouldn't forgive me.

This is everything.

I don't need
a translation for this.

I never should've kept you
locked up down here,

so from now on, you're free.

Look at her go.

That's my girl.
Run, baby, run.

Oh, she looks great.
She seems so happy.

I'm in...
I'm in its mouth.

Oh, I'm just gonna...

Woo! Oh, Harley, Harley.

Whatever weird sex thing
you had to do

to get me back into
the Legion of Doom,

I thank you.

Yeah, that's not what happened.

Uh-huh. Wink, wink.

On a related note,

you can't go on any capers

where the crew might interact
with a female superhero.

Yeah, that seems fair.

Ready to put
your life behind you

and make the world
an even worse place?

Sure thing, Lex.

Good.

Oh, and by the way,

another member
insisted on dropping by.

Hi, Harley.